I sometimes have these beautiful visions. These beautiful visions of art surrounding me throughout every inch of my life. I do not feel like I am the traditional wedding/marriage type but once in a while I picture these scenes in my head that overwhelms my senses. I have this undying desire to do for others and to show my love and I want to paint pictures with words for those people. If I were to ever take vows with someone I would want words of love painted on every wall. I wish I could put into words the feeling of passion I have running though my veins. The desire to help those that so desperately need it and the desire to tell people how beautiful they are is what drives me every day. I don’t desire things in hope for praise. I desire these things because for all of my life I never saw my own beauty. I tore myself down for not being pretty enough or thin enough or smart enough. I always labelled myself as being second best or not really worthy of all of the things that other girls my age were worthy of. Because of feeling this way throughout the majority of my life I started fighting for others. I saw myself in other girls and I couldn’t stand the thought of them feeling the same worthlessness that I felt.
Even in the most average looking person I am able to see beauty. Beauty is this concept that has been so sadly distorted by society and I cannot allow myself to be brainwashed to believe that beauty is simply external. I want to root for the underdog. I am not a victim. My self-loathing growing up was my choice but society helped to push me over the edge. It took me into my early 30’s to really learn and understand that what we believe is our choice. I grew so tired of picking apart every little thing about me and trying to fit the molds of what I thought everyone wanted me to be. I am a woman and a part of me believes it is built into our DNA to be insecure in some way or another but as I have grown older I have learned to accept myself and to hold onto everything that I am and stop focusing on everything that I am not. My time is so limited that I don’t want it spent on self-criticism and worry about what others think about me. The people that truly love me will love me for my perfect imperfections. Accepting oneself may be the hardest thing in the world because we have society screaming in our face day in and day out telling us how we have to look, act, eat and breathe. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the chaos and start believing what the masses are telling you. What I needed to keep reminding myself of is that the masses are usually fighting for the all-mighty dollar and have no genuine interest or care in what we look like or who we are. Their intentions are superficial. I love who I have become because sincerity is what is in my heart. I will make mistakes and say and do the wrong things but my intentions are always genuine. It is the happiness and well-being of others that keeps me trekking through each and every day. Many times over I have wished I could take away the pain of others because their sadness or illness made my heart-ache.
I refuse to be an excuse-maker anymore. I hear people validate their lives through excuses every single day and I cannot be one of those people anymore. I am responsible for my past, my present and my future and I am no longer a confused, young girl. I am a woman that has lived and learned and I have been taught by those that have struggled in ways that to me are unimaginable. I have learned what is truly important in life by those that may have little or no words. I have learned how easy and carefree my life is and those that society have deemed to be so different have guided me into a world that has made me not just see the big picture but to also see the details in the picture….the details that go unnoticed by many. I believe I am one of the lucky ones in life. I am not a religious person but there is something in me that I feel….it is so hard to explain. I can experience something that to someone may be a happy moment but to me it is a moment of inspiration…a moment or compassion…a moment of empathy. I live my life in moments that never go unrecognized….they simply go unspoken of because most of the time I don’t have the words. I rarely can explain to people what I am truly feeling. It can make me feel crazy sometimes but I also know it is the most genuine and unique thing about me. Even when my heart hurts I feel and understand love (I believe) more than many others could even imagine. Love and passion for me go hand in hand because I truly believe you can’t have one without the other. Passion seeps out of my pores in everything I do….even in moments of vulnerability or loneliness. I am an art form. I am passion and I am love. Even through the most painful times in life I have fallen more and more in love with myself because I have learned to be genuine to who I really am. I have become accepting of my past, present and future mistakes because they are going to happen no matter what. I don’t live in these moments I now learn from these moments and I want to influence others to do the same thing because even the cruelest of people has beauty hidden within them.
Posted in Blog, Blogging, Diane, Fun, Health, Inspiration, Journal, Life, Love, Philosophy, random thoughts, Thoughts, Writing
I want a lover that wants to share words with me written on paper. I want notes left for me with simple messages of love….with messages of comfort. I have this idea of love that to so many seems so unrealistic. Romance has died for most people but my heart can’t let go of the feeling that there is something….someone beautiful out there for me….someone that wants to leave notes for me to find letting me know that their heart feels the same way mine does. I am one person on the surface but someone so completely different within. I used to believe the surface was my mask but it really just is a part of me. I unveil my mask to those that I grow comfortable with…sometimes this ends in great pain but other times I learn more about the many degrees of love. I am a person that loves hard…..I love so hard sometimes it hurts. I feel every emotion with great intensity and I never stop questioning why. There is a reason and I don’t know if I will ever find it. It is this complexity within me that I have yet to truly share with someone because I am terrified. Emotions can so easily be misconstrued and my sensitivity and anxiety could easily be seen as dramatic and chaotic. I cannot help the battles I fight in my head and sometimes I grow exhausted always trying to push them to the side. My battles are part of who I am and I want a love that sees those battles and knows that those battles are fueled by passion and not self-absorption. Every feeling I have is fueled with passion because I have this never-ending desire to learn and to experience everything I possibly can until my last dying breath. I know so very little of what this world is all about and it drives me and maddens me all at the same time. I am inspired by everything and it makes me feel like a character in a book wandering to find all of the answers…..knowing some things have no answers.
I want to fall in love. I want to feel someone fall in love with me. I want to let go of all of the wants and wishes and live this life of love that overwhelms my entire being. I don’t want to live in just one moment….I want to live an entire lifetime with someone. I want to be understood and wanted in a way that I have never felt. I want to share my words and my thoughts knowing that they are understood and that they are valued. The real me is not on the surface and I know that is so cliché to even say but with me there is such truth to it.
Posted in Blog, Blogging, Diane, Fun, Health, Inspiration, Journal, Life, Love, Philosophy, random thoughts, Thoughts, Writing
I pick up these habits in life that are really quite maddening. I tell myself over and over again that I do not really want to fall in love or need to for that matter when in truth it is all that I want. In my 35 years love has become this undefinable thing that has torn me apart because it owns me and it kills me all at the same time. Love is this “thing” that I long for that also brings me great anger. Now, if that is not contradictory I don’t know what is. I make the same mistakes over and over again and I start to question the evolution of love and the evolution of people in general. I try so hard sometimes and I see myself doing it and I just can’t stop it. I ache on the inside wanting to be seen and I push in a way that infuriates me…..I become someone I don’t at all want to be. Why do we do this to ourselves periodically throughout life? Why do we fall into the same traps? Why do we force ourselves to have to re-learn the same lessons over and over again?
I am the person that loves so hard that it hurts. I do not love only in romance but I love hard in all of my relationships. I may be selfish but I love so hard because I want to be loved in return. Of course it is more than that though. I love hard because I see the hidden parts of people. I find the beauty in them that many people might overlook. I love hard because feeling love is way easier than feeling hate or feeling pain. But sometimes no matter how hard you love, some people will never love you that same amount. I am a hopeless romantic in life. I live in the world of fairytales because I don’t want to think about relationships being painful. People tell me everyday that my thought is unrealistic and that relationships are hard and are a bunch of work but in my heart I am unable to accept this as a truth. Love is about learning and compromising yes but I have a full-time job and I don’t believe that my relationships should be another one. Relationships are not jobs they are these little lucks that fall into our lap when we need them most. The problem is that I live this life of fairytale and romance and I sometimes cross paths with those that don’t see through the same vision that I do but I still hold on. I hold onto those that would abandon their grip on me without a second thought. I hold onto those that have nothing but a weak grip on my hand. I stay for those that would not stay for me. I stay for those that don’t see me the way I want….NO….NEED to be seen. Someone recently told me that two people in a couple will (maybe the word was can) never be best friends. Even after time with this person and the many conversations we have had, that is the one thing I could never agree with….even if I never shared that vocally. This statement has lingered with me since the words were uttered. Love will never mean anything to me if the friendship is not there. Friendship is the truest form of love. Not generic friendship but friendship that makes you feel connected to another person naturally.
Maybe this is vain but I feel sorry for those that have not fallen in love with me. I feel sorry for those who only saw surface deep with me. I wish others could slide into my body because what I feel almost daily is intense….intense to the point of almost overwhelming. It is an intensity that has made me fall in love with myself but an intensity that also makes me question who and what I am. I question why certain things are as they are and why certain things aren’t. I wonder how others my very same age have experienced this entirely different life than I know and I sometimes wonder which life is better. It’s not something I should worry about but I do. It all goes along with that cliche statement of “We’re human. It happens.”
I sometimes wish I could slip into the minds of others to see if they are all as much of a cluster fuck as I am. Are their minds as beautifully chaotic as mine? I found the ability to quiet my mind one day past and life was so different then but I have allowed myself to get sucked back into the madness of life and of society that tells us to “GO GO GO.” I find these passions and I forget about me. I give so much to others and in mere moments I come crashing down because I feel this strange wreckless abandonment. I realize I have once again become lost. I have forgotten to address these things called feelings. I have stayed within the madness to avoid the pain or the terror that life might bring. I used to see this gigantic world outside of myself and I have now pushed myself into this little bubble that has confined me…that has blurred my vision. I have abandoned so much knowledge I once gained and the desire to step FAR outside of my comfort zone. I guess I return many times over to thinking of Christopher McCandless and the words “Happiness is only real when shared.” I hold onto this because it is that happiness that makes me understand love and it is the desire for me to share my everything with someone that makes me not want to give up on love. It is the longing to have someone waiting to hear my words at the end of the day and even if the words may seem nonsensical they do not care because the words are coming from me. It is that simplicity that is love but it is humankind that makes it so complex. I want to escape the complexity but I am unsure of how to. I feel as if the grip of society has poisoned me and although the simplicity of love is my biggest desire I fear that my exposure to the societal/media elements has done damage that most likely can never be undone. I guess that is why I always refer it back to being a fairytale.
Posted in Blog, Blogging, Diane, Fun, Health, Inspiration, Journal, Life, Love, Philosophy, random thoughts, Thoughts, Writing
I want to venture into a new world. I want to make my fairytale come true as I see fit. I want to make my own rules and break all of the ones that surround me every single day. I want to keep searching for my counterpart that makes me feel alive…..that makes me know that everything that they are is what I have been waiting for. I can’t help but think that I will know when I know.
Sometimes I question who I am. Do I really know? Of course I know. I am a chaotic, hot shitty mess ad I absolutely love it. I want people to constantly teach me new things. I don’t want to be molded. I want others to show me how they live and allow me to embrace the things I fall in love with. I want to fall in love with something new every single day. I want to fall in love with ideas and thoughts and music that tugs at my heart strings….and words that drip of the paper and make me float into a world I have never been to. I want to live one thousands lives. I want to be one thousand different people. Is this possible? Is there anyone out there I can share this with?
My mind is a beautiful and maddening place. My wants are endless. My fears are plentiful. I know that fear is what stands in the way of all of those things defined as good but I embrace fear….even as uncomfortable as it may be. I embrace it because I feel as though it is natural. My mind jumps so quickly I am barely able to keep up. I do wonder sometimes why I have yet to experience this thing called love that people speak of. Am I meant to? Would I know what it was if I experienced it? I have this aching inside of me that wants it more than anything I have ever wanted but I don’t know if what I truly want is love. I believe love is so undefinable because it is something that can change….because people change…..the world changes…..our circumstances change. I don’t believe I have experienced love because with love comes a comfort unlike anything else. I have yet to experience saying and feeling everything that goes through me with another person. When I feel that, I believe that is when I will know what love truly is. When I no longer worry about what the other person thinks about me…..when I can strip naked both physically and emotionally without being panic stricken is when I believe I will know what love truly is. Maybe that is simply trust but I believe those things go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other.
Do you ever have those moments when you are completely overwhelmed? A surge of unexplainable and unidentifiable emotions washes all over your body….all over your soul. It could be words simply drawn onto paper that could cause a great rush of feelings. Simple words that could put your past right here into your present or put the idea of the future into the now. Where have we been? Where are we going?
This is the time of year that my inner demons like to come out and play. Who are my inner demons you may ask? My inner demons are those little monsters that peel layer after layer of any sort of self-confidence and self-value away. Right now I am angry at myself for becoming so un-balanced and slipping through the cracks again. I promised myself that I would fight to continue my health journey and I, once again, have been caught up in the whirlwind called life. Certain situations seem to keep repeating themselves throughout my life and I can’t help but think these are challenges being thrown at me intentionally. I just can’t figure out the solutions. Maybe I really do know the solutions but I know the outcomes are going to be painful and I am unsure if I am ready for that once again. Deep down I think I am this amazingly good person but I fight with these demons that say all of these ugly, hateful things to me. I am fighting depression and I am fighting fear once again. Sadly, I am embarrassed and angry for falling back into this place because not long ago I was stronger than I had been ever. I didn’t hold onto the negative feelings or the overwhelming thoughts. They went as quickly as they came. I let the chaos of life control me and now I am back to square one.
I have no choice but to trek forward. I am uncomfortable with myself and to feel that way day in and day out has become exhausting. I spoke to a dear friend of mine at great length today and while I was speaking I knew I needed to be expressing myself to ease myself of the emptiness and confusion I have been feeling lately….the feeling of the unknown is probably a better way to put it. While talking I was hearing myself and I was seeing the complexity of my mind. Before I am even finished with one thought I am onto another and I don’t know where to begin or where to end. It was so incredibly hard for me to admit things that I did to my friend because in my mind I felt like my problems and my insecurities were of lesser value than the problems of others that surround me. I put on this mask sometimes that portrays me as happy and bubbly and I do that because I am incredibly uncomfortable showing anger or sadness to others….I don’t want to be judged….even knowing that it is inevitable to happen. Even just the idea of hurting someone else’s feelings makes me cringe with great discomfort….and sadly this means I am not always being honest. I have this great passion in me but I am unsure if many know that and sometimes I have no one to share it with. Sometimes I am weird and sometimes I talk far too much and I do this because of this passion inside of me. I am self-aware almost the point of madness. It is as if in majority of situations I am on the outside watching myself….I am my own audience…..and I fumble and I am unclear of what I want to express and unclear of what I feel. I am sure that most people don’t perceive me the way I perceive myself. I feel so socially awkward because I lack strength and confidence in certain areas.
I could go on for days discussing this topic because my brain is in shambles right now. I know what I want and I realize that is not in exact alignment with where my life is right now. As hard and heart-wrenching painful as this is to admit I desperately want to give my love to someone and I want them to give their love to me but what I want more is to fall in love with myself again.
Over the past 6 months I have met an abundance of people. I have met people that have changed my life in ways I never thought possible. Never once did I think my life would involve working with individuals with special needs. I never believed I had the patience or the mindset to work with individuals so different than myself. I lived my life for many years being blissfully ignorant. As hard as it is to even admit I viewed individuals with special needs as defective or lesser of people. I did not view them like this in a hateful or spiteful way, I was just uneducated and unaware (and yes that is my fault). I went through life thinking all was good and I was happy until I was given the opportunity to work with children and adults with autism (and even individuals with other special needs). I soon realized my life had been missing this huge piece. I had been missing out on the beauty of differences. Those words are so general but until I met so many of these people I did not realize that these people are not defective they are simply different, especially those with autism. Autism is not a disease or a defect or a condition….it is simply a difference in neurology. I read articles and headlines all of the time that talk about the search for a cure. These people are not sick or broken….what do they need to be cured for or from? Why is being different a bad thing. I read motivational and inspirational quotes all of the time and so many talk about being unique and embracing your unique qualities. Well, individuals with autism are simply that…unique. I have found their differences to be beautiful as well as admirable because so many of these individuals with autism have gifts and talents that I could only dream of.
The problem is not the individuals with autism but the people around them trying to mold them to fit a societal norm. Now before I get my head bitten off by saying that let me explain myself. I am an ABA therapist for children ages 2-7 on the spectrum and I am a job coach for individuals 16-22 on the spectrum. Holding both of these titles would make it obvious to the majority that my jobs are mainly to help individuals on the spectrum to become successful…..the question is, what do I help them with? I hear the term socially appropriate thrown around left and right almost every day. That term seems pretty simplistic but I, myself, can’t help but wonder who and what dictates what is and what is not socially appropriate? There are things that we think of that may be obvious like a child throwing him/herself onto the floor having a massive meltdown because he/she did not get what he/she wanted or a student spitting in the middle of class. These are things that ANY child could do….not just a child with autism. They are behaviors that do need to be addressed. I think as a society we need to broaden the horizons on what is socially appropriate. There is a young man that I work with that is 20 years old. He is part of a work program that is made up of about 7-10 students. The students do various craft projects to sell in a store. While working on the project this boy may start singing or may start talking about a bunch of nonsensical things (which is not abnormal with several individuals on the spectrum). His teachers will ask him to stop and maybe even redirect him in another direction. I don’t intervene because these people have worked with him for much longer than I have and I owe them respect but a lot goes through my mind when this happens. His actions are not hurting or harming anyone so why must be stop….simply because someone/others became annoyed? His singing/nonsensical talk makes him happy and brings him great joy….it may be even be a form of self-soothing (the same way stimming is for many individuals on the spectrum)…why would we strip him of this? Because it is not “normal”? I ask this question as I have asked it one million times over….what is normal? I guess I just can’t adjust to the idea that we all must follow a certain set of rules for living…..to be and act a certain way that is deemed appropriate. There are exceptions in every case of course but it hurts me to think of taking away the happiness of another just because their actions may be seen as “different” or “socially inappropriate”.
These individuals both big and small have changed me. They have taught me so much about what is really important in this life and their ability to achieve happiness without judgment is what I have found to be of the utmost importance. These people see each other without even noticing the differences. These people interact with each other (sometimes needing a prompt to do so) without judgment….they don’t see flaws or faults. They simply see other people that think and know different things. Take a moment to think about how beautiful that really is. We live in this society that forces us to focus on beauty and body image and all sorts of superficial things and we judge each other based on those things….we see the overweight girl hiding in the corner and we judge her. We see the boy in the old clothes that doesn’t fit society’s idea of “fashionable” and we judge him. We see the differences and we focus on them….whether or not we mean to. These beautiful children and adults that I have worked with don’t see those differences. It is as if that judgmental part of their brain is turned off. They may take note of something different in someone else but they don’t linger on it….they don’t hold onto it. That is a quality I could only dream of having. So, I guess I am different than many in that I love the differences…I embrace the differences….I, sometimes, to others dismay, encourage the differences. I thrive to help others succeed in life but I never want to mold someone. If I tried to do that then I am taking them away from their true self and that would be nothing but disheartening. These beautiful individuals with autism/special needs are and always will be people first.
Is simplicity really a possibility? Is it just a concept we all grasp for but we can never truly reach? Do we need all of the complicated to see how strong or weak we really are or do we manifest each and every one of our complications? If we just walk away the complication is no more. Is it that simple? Does that mean nothing is worth fighting for? My head is filled with questions like this all of the time and it seems that as more time passes more and more challenges are thrown at me. I think I am in one of those phases that makes me wonder how strong I truly am. My heart knows I can handle anything thrown out me but my head keeps me in this state of constant chaos and questioning. I know what I want in life but it never seems simple to get those things….ever. I only truly know my own life but sometimes I watch those that surround me and it seems like certain things come with such ease and I just don’t understand how….or why? My life is like a rat race and I do love it and I keep it this way because I don’t want to miss anything and I want to accomplish as much as I possibly can. With that being said, the chaos tends to overcome the peace that is so desperately needed in my life. Balance is of such great importance and I felt that I had once achieved it but I have lost it again. How does one balance when life has so much to offer….life gives us so much to learn and see and experience? When I experienced balance before my life was completely different. I had time to slow down my mind and my body and I was able to focus on cleansing my mind and body. I am now fighting to better my life and hopefully better the lives of many of those I am surrounded by day in and day out. I am not slowing down because I am fighting for a cause that has become a part of who I am. I struggle with the chaos some days but I ache for more knowing that I am part of the solution and not part of the problem. Sitting on the sidelines is not an option for me….especially not now when I have found something so worth fighting for…..something worthy and deserving to be fought for.
So, with this imbalance that I now speak of, what do I do? How do I know when to make myself a priority? Right now I am trying to figure out what is right or wrong and I am just sitting right in the middle. I question if and when to walk away from people or situations. I question whether I am too weak or whether I am too outspoken. I question whether I am too hard on myself or hard enough. I question how others view me and I question how I see myself. Stepping outside of our comfort zone may be one of the most difficult challenges each and every one of us on this Earth has to face. Some people choose to never go outside of their comfort zone strictly due to fear. I do not judge those people because that fear could be legitimate. Many of those that do not venture out of their comfort zone fear rejection and pain and those experiences when faced can overwhelm us to our core. Whether we like to admit it or not, most of us still hold our past in our present and this grasp is what keeps us from enjoying the moment and taking chances. We fear that life is going to repeat itself and the idea of feeling the same kind of hurt, pain or rejection that we experienced in the past is almost intolerable…..intolerable to the point of sickening. How do we let go of the past and let it be just that? How do we trust what is right here right now? I guess the answer is simple…..we uncomfortably and with great unease step outside of our comfort zone and hope for the best. I guess that we must believe that we are only given as much as we can handle in this life and if we must handle the pain once again then it is meant to be.
I suppose my words seem pretty cryptic. They make sense to me and I guess that is what matters most. I write my words so people can interpret them as they wish. I will be judged regardless…both negatively and positively and I must accept both. I write what I do because it keeps me sane. I am soon to be 35 and I have realized that I must take chances and I must dive into the deep end because life happens entirely to fast not to. There is no guidelines for life and no rules. I have to make my own rules and sometimes those rules will seem insane to the majority but they are my rules because this is my life. I love what I love and I fight for what I believe it. I get angry sometimes and that anger makes me feel so unbelievably uncomfortable because it feels so unnatural but without that anger I would have no words….I would have no creativity or no drive to do better and be better. I have talked in complete circles here….that is nothing new. I have to do that sometimes because, like I said, writing and expressing is my sanity. I can cry behind the screen of a computer with ease because I am not being knowingly judged….I am being me to the fullest extent. With every word I type the more stripped away I become and I think because I am this unbelievably nervous person I need that to happen. Certain days are overwhelming because solutions are not always clear and the confidence I may have had just the day before has dwindled down to almost nothing. I sometimes wish I could jump right into others minds and then I realize that probably would lead to even more chaos. I am now simply talking in circles and my thoughts (as usual) never lead me to any place concrete. I think that is why I find such pleasure in writing…..there does not have to be an ending point if we don’t want there to be. There are very few places in life where that rule is able to apply.