1/17/19

It has been a minute since I sat down to write about my health journey or really to write about anything at all.  The thoughts have all been there but the sitting down and doing it part has not.  So here I am.  I am about 3 weeks in and honestly I am really starting to feel good.  Today was such a good day.  Everything about it was good.  The adults I work with were awesome, my coworkers were so fun, the ABA kiddos were so fun to be around.  My day had such a positive energy in it.  Ok, yes I am getting all crunchy hippie on you but since eating cleaner and incorporating exercise I have felt myself become happier and feel better.  I have been reading a ton and learning about all of the unnatural things we put into our bodies and it is sticking in my brain.  I have actively been pushing the negative thoughts that come so naturally to me.  Because I am feeling better physically,  I am starting to feel better mentally.  I feel stronger in both ways.  Since I was a young girl I struggled with how I look.  I have struggled with body image.  I have had a specific idea of what the ideal woman should look like.  I have finally come to realize that I have allowed myself to be brainwashed to believe what beauty is.  I realize it is not hard to do these days with the media throwing it in our faces day in and day out.  I know that advertisements and shows nowadays are starting to feature women of all shapes and sizes and that is soooooo amazing but I didn’t grow up seeing this.  My brain has already learned what “beauty” really is and that is thin with nothing sagging.  I need to unlearn this.  I need to teach myself that beauty is so much more than what is on the surface.  I know my confidence is getting better because tonight I thought about myself and realized my personality and the way I care about people makes me more beautiful than anything on the outside.  It just takes the right people to see that.  There will always be people out there that will judge me based on my body shape, size, whatever and that is ok.  Beauty goes so far beyond how we look.  If a hot guy is a dick I have absolutely no interest in knowing him or spending any time with him.  So, it hit me tonight that looks are such a superficial thing.  It is really about how you feel.  Don’t get me wrong, I like to do my hair and put makeup on and get dressed up from time to time but that is because it makes me feel good.  It makes me feel more confident.  I won’t always be dolled up (hell I am not more than I am) but the right people will still think I am beautiful because they know I am a good person (a little wacky from time to time but ultimately I am a genuinely good hearted person that loves to do for others).  I guess the moral of that long rant is that I feel really good.  I feel like this is going to be IT.  This is not going to be another quick fix with my weight yo yoing up and down.  I am going to get healthy.  I am going to treat my body like it is a temple.  I want to push myself harder than I ever have because I know what the ultimate reward is.  I have weighed about 25 lbs less than where I am now and that is about the weight when I feel most comfortable in my own skin.  For me it seems the most natural and realistic for my height and shape.  So my ultimate goal is to get there and stay there.