Journey to Wellness Day 1

Wednesday December 26, 2018

So, most people start their resolutions and life changes when the actual New Year begins.  Not me…I must be the odd duck 😉  There is something in my brain that keeps shout…WHY WAIT?  I argue with myself until I force myself to finally do something about it.  I am at that point in my life at this very moment.  2018 was a total shit year.  I am normally the super positive and happy type but this past year I definitely felt the lowest of the low (even if I wasn’t always showing it).  I started to feel like I was going to feel like that from here on out and I just couldn’t let that happen.  I couldn’t just give up.  Why did I need to wait?  All I was going to do is be lazy and not put my all in for the next 6 days.  I feel this internal urge to prove to myself that I can do it.  That I can succeed.  Of course, it makes me feel good when others compliment my physical achievements but I am really doing this for me.  I have suffered with self esteem issues for as long as I can remember (and it was on overdrive this past year).  I want to do things I never ever thought I could.  I want to step really far outside of my comfort zone and show my vulnerability to others.  I constantly worry what others think and I want that feeling to stop.  With that being said, that feeling will not go away because I am uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment.  I completely believe all body sizes and shapes are beautiful.  I just don’t feel beautiful in mine at the current size I am.  I don’t feel sexy at all.  I feel most like myself when I am about 35 pounds less than this.  I have felt confident and good about myself at that size.  That size does not make me “thin” but it does make me more natural…more me.  I like the way clothes fit me but I still have curves.  I will never be “thin” with the perfectly smooth body.  It’s hard to see that in the mirror but I know I hide my body way less and feel less insecure at that size.  It feels right to me.  Maintaining that size has never worked for me though.  Hence, why I am here.  I HAVE to make significant changes if I want this to really work.  I wanted this to be my first step to showing (and being ok with) my vulnerability.  I want to be as honest here as possible so (hopefully) others join the journey with me (whether it be physically or virtually), especially women.  Media has overtaken the world and women (yes men too, I know, but being a woman I am speaking from a woman’s perspective because that is what I know…what I experience) have a brainwashed idea of what beauty is.   I am a media junkie so I am not insulting the advancement of technology…..I just think media has stopped caring about the person and only the money (I guess that goes for a lot of professions).  Beauty is so much more than just a person’s outer appearance.  This journey is about the beauty of all of inside.  Health and wellness are so more than what we weigh or what and how much we eat.  This past year has been a struggle for me and I can only sit here and take ownership for constantly feeling like shit (tired all of the time, bloated, headaches and hazy…just overall not good).  Because I felt like shit mentally, I said fuck it to everything and put no effort in.  I made endless excuses.   Yes, I had some traumatic things happen but I truly believe that nothing should take you down and keep you down.  I made the excuse that I am living with my dad so that makes healthy eating hard for many reasons.  Yes, I am ready for my own space/kitchen but what a bullshit excuse I was making.  I have found it so easy to say “I’ll start tomorrow” or “I can’t do it because”.  Those words are no longer allowed to cross my lips  Stay tuned for future posts because if you know me you know I have a lot to say and a lot of thoughts and opinions.  I promise to make it as entertaining as possible. 😉

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A Change in Lifestyle

So I have been missing from social media. I have shut off a lot of forms of technology that I finally realized were taking away my connections with the outside world. Don’t get me wrong, I have not disappeared off the grid entirely (obviously you know that by this post) but I have limited my time scrolling. At night I would lay in bed and have Netflix running on my computer and I would be mindlessly scrolling through Facebook then move on to Instagram then on to Snapchat then on to anywhere else that would occupy my mind at the time.

I am not sure where to really start when talking about this change I have made. I am famous for making changes. I think subconsciously I love a challenge and to see whether or not I can do something. I was sure by significantly cutting back on social media and technology use I would feel some sort of withdrawal. Pathetic maybe, but true because I know it can be just as much of an addiction as anything else. To my utter shock I have not had that expected anxiety and need to know what is going on in everyone’s lives and what pictures people are sharing on snapchat. I did not give myself the chance to wander into that area of boredom that would cause me to start scrolling. I actually brought myself back to a place that I had abandoned for quite some time. I have drowned myself in books and learning and questioning. I have read article after article of things that interest me and I keep studying more just to learn. I have nerded out and I absolutely love it because there is so much in the world I want to know about and experience. I love technology, don’t get me wrong, it is something beautiful that has allowed us to learn about so much outside of ourselves at a rapid speed. I have significantly cut down on my computer and social media time but I do admit that cutting back on texting has been a challenge. I love and hate texting. It is such an easy and quick way to communicate with someone but it also takes away all form of emotion. The amount of misunderstanding that happens by sending just one little text can be purely maddening. I have heard over and over again (myself included in saying it), “I just hate talking on the phone.” I am old enough to have been around before cell phones were really a thing and talking on the phone was what you would look forward to. Now, we all become anxiety-ridden thinking about having to have a conversation over the phone. Why is that? I believe I am good with people in person and have average, if not above average conversational skills. When you talk on the phone you are able to hear the inflection in someone’s voice and you can talk quickly and not have to abbreviate your thoughts. So, why is texting now what we do? Why have we grown to hate talking on the phone so much? It is so strange to me but that is something I could go on and on about forever.

Anyhow, back to where I have been at for the last few weeks. Without trying to sound unbelievably cliché, I have been finding myself. About 4+ years ago I had a friend introduce me to Alan Watts and how our Ego controls us. We had several discussions and at that time I took every chance I had to learn about everything he told me. I was fascinated. I started meditating twice a day and I was so amazed at how different (for lack of a better word) I felt. I felt so much more at ease in my own body and mind. I have always been a very anxious and worrisome person and I started to notice that things started rolling off my back (I was a duck 😉 I was able to release the anxiety as soon as I felt it coming on. I was aware that most of my worries were the “little things” and I really started focusing on the NOW. I became aware that I was allowing the past and the future to control me and one was already gone and one had not even happened yet. Why was I allowing that to happen? It sounds like such an obvious concept but majority of us do it just out of mere habit. My change in lifestyle and mindset and the inclusion of meditation and regular exercise allowed me to focus on the NOW and I can’t really express the way it made me feel. It was incredible. I remember feeling like for the first time I was truly myself. I was not living to please others or rushing to get everything done or worrying about what happened or what might of happened. I was simply living and it was beautiful. As life happens though, I became busy, jobs changed, people came in and out and I stopped being so mindful. I did not become unhappy…I just became more and more unaware of myself. I would say to myself that I needed to get back there but just never did…until now.

I am not exactly sure what pushed me to go back to this place I very much loved. It may have been the New Year coming in or the need and want of a new challenge in my life…who knows? All I do know is that I absolutely love this place I am re-discovering. I have been reading nonstop and sharing my thoughts with others (to those that have wanted to listen) and I have really focused on making not just my mind but my entire body and spirit healthy. I have been told I am one of those new age hippies and maybe I am but I am not a big fan of labeling people’s identities. I just know what feels right to me. I don’t push my ideas and ways of doing things on people (at least I don’t think I do) but I do love sharing my experiences with those that want to hear them and maybe even want to try to experience it themselves.

So what have my days looked like since I decided to make this mindful change? Well, I now wake up every morning early (some mornings earlier than others-I now really listen to my body and if it needs more rest I give it more rest). At night I started putting my phone across the room so I would have to get up to get it in the morning instead of just lay there and hit snooze over and over (because I surely could do that well before). Once I am up I burn a candle (usually my spearmint eucalyptus stress relief candle) and have the lighting in my room lower (there is nothing worse than harsh lighting). I turn on meditation/zen music and I go about my morning routine. I discovered one of Earth’s great gifts…COCONUT OIL! Every morning I do oil pulling (some of you may have heard of this and others maybe not—and the reactions I get to it are always entertaining). I take a tablespoon of coconut oil and put it in my mouth and will chew it up until it becomes liquefied. Once is it liquefied I will “mouthwash” with it for anywhere between 20-30 minutes (this is where I get the “Are you crazy?” reactions). It sounds strange and I thought it would be difficult to keep a liquid in my mouth for that long but it is not. I just continue doing my usual things in the morning while I do it. If you haven’t heard of oil pulling I recommend you look it up because the health benefits are insane. While I do my oil pulling I will wash my face (which I have been more strict about and I use coconut oil on my face every night and it is unbelievable how much my skin has cleared up and looks so much healthier), get dressed, prepare my coffee and lunch for the day. By the time I go through all of these things it is time to spit it out (I use a plastic cup because spitting it down your drain can wreak havoc on your pipes). I then brush as I usually do. It is as simple as that. Crazy as it sounds it is worth it for all of the health benefits. I then sit at the end of my bed with a pillow propped behind my back and I will spend 10-15 minutes meditating. I try to focus on my breathing (deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth). Meditation can be a little tricky because the point is to clear your mind which can be difficult, especially in the world we live in today. When I meditate I repeat a mantra in my head (I can’t tell you what it is because mantras are sacred to each person for their own personal reasons). I will find my mind wandering and when this happens I do not beat myself up for being unable to focus but instead I just go right back to the mantra. This may happen 3 or 4 times or 40-50 times. Either way I go back to being centered and focus on the mantra and my breathing. Nothing during this time is forced. I am simply just being. When I am finished I slowly open eyes and start moving…nothing is rushed. I will then get dressed in my clothes for the day (I try to meditate in comfortable, stretchy clothes that don’t feel binding or restricting). Once I am dressed and ready I will sit at my kitchen table with meditation/zen music still playing and I will enjoy a cup of hot green tea and my morning smoothie or healthy breakfast of choice (toast with peanut butter, eggs, etc.). Before I forget, during this time I have vowed to not look at my phone for anything work related or anything that could bring on any kind of stress. My mornings define my day so by doing this I am starting out calm, happy and relaxed every day. I wait until I am settled in the office to check any emails, bank accounts or reports. I may answer a text if it is urgent or if it is someone I want to talk to (only positive things allowed at this time). While munching on my breakfast and sipping my tea I take out my notebook (I designed a special notebook to include positive affirmations, daily stretches, lists of books I want to read and goals I would like to achieve-I will share more of the specifics about this at a later time). I flip open to the newest, fresh page and I put the date and proceed to list 5 things I am grateful for. Some days I am grateful for the start of a new day and the beauty that surrounds me and other days I am thankful for chapstick because my lips had been dry. I am grateful for so many things and I don’t focus on everything being in depth…I make sure I take note of the little things too. After I make my list I read a few pages of something inspirational/motivational. Some days feel easier than others to take in everything I am reading or writing but I do it knowing that it starts my day better than being rushed or bombarded with emails of a million different problems. I start my day at ease and to be honest I have found most of my days to flow with ease (maybe not quite so at ease around the time that my hormones were surfacing..haha…but still at ease). I catch myself when I start getting judgmental or start letting things get to me. I do what I can to stop myself from letting it get out of hand. It is not always easy but just being aware of it makes a huge difference.

Right now I have been writing for quite a while and my thoughts have been pouring out of me but I feel like the thoughts are becoming a little jumbled (a little tired, sick of looking at the screen) so I am going to depart for now but I plan on continuing documenting this journey and I hope you decide to join me for the adventure!

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Rooting for the Underdog


I sometimes have these beautiful visions. These beautiful visions of art surrounding me throughout every inch of my life. I do not feel like I am the traditional wedding/marriage type but once in a while I picture these scenes in my head that overwhelms my senses. I have this undying desire to do for others and to show my love and I want to paint pictures with words for those people. If I were to ever take vows with someone I would want words of love painted on every wall. I wish I could put into words the feeling of passion I have running though my veins. The desire to help those that so desperately need it and the desire to tell people how beautiful they are is what drives me every day. I don’t desire things in hope for praise. I desire these things because for all of my life I never saw my own beauty. I tore myself down for not being pretty enough or thin enough or smart enough. I always labelled myself as being second best or not really worthy of all of the things that other girls my age were worthy of. Because of feeling this way throughout the majority of my life I started fighting for others. I saw myself in other girls and I couldn’t stand the thought of them feeling the same worthlessness that I felt.

Even in the most average looking person I am able to see beauty. Beauty is this concept that has been so sadly distorted by society and I cannot allow myself to be brainwashed to believe that beauty is simply external. I want to root for the underdog. I am not a victim. My self-loathing growing up was my choice but society helped to push me over the edge. It took me into my early 30’s to really learn and understand that what we believe is our choice. I grew so tired of picking apart every little thing about me and trying to fit the molds of what I thought everyone wanted me to be. I am a woman and a part of me believes it is built into our DNA to be insecure in some way or another but as I have grown older I have learned to accept myself and to hold onto everything that I am and stop focusing on everything that I am not. My time is so limited that I don’t want it spent on self-criticism and worry about what others think about me. The people that truly love me will love me for my perfect imperfections. Accepting oneself may be the hardest thing in the world because we have society screaming in our face day in and day out telling us how we have to look, act, eat and breathe. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the chaos and start believing what the masses are telling you. What I needed to keep reminding myself of is that the masses are usually fighting for the all-mighty dollar and have no genuine interest or care in what we look like or who we are. Their intentions are superficial. I love who I have become because sincerity is what is in my heart. I will make mistakes and say and do the wrong things but my intentions are always genuine. It is the happiness and well-being of others that keeps me trekking through each and every day. Many times over I have wished I could take away the pain of others because their sadness or illness made my heart-ache.

I refuse to be an excuse-maker anymore. I hear people validate their lives through excuses every single day and I cannot be one of those people anymore. I am responsible for my past, my present and my future and I am no longer a confused, young girl. I am a woman that has lived and learned and I have been taught by those that have struggled in ways that to me are unimaginable. I have learned what is truly important in life by those that may have little or no words. I have learned how easy and carefree my life is and those that society have deemed to be so different have guided me into a world that has made me not just see the big picture but to also see the details in the picture….the details that go unnoticed by many. I believe I am one of the lucky ones in life. I am not a religious person but there is something in me that I feel….it is so hard to explain. I can experience something that to someone may be a happy moment but to me it is a moment of inspiration…a moment or compassion…a moment of empathy. I live my life in moments that never go unrecognized….they simply go unspoken of because most of the time I don’t have the words. I rarely can explain to people what I am truly feeling. It can make me feel crazy sometimes but I also know it is the most genuine and unique thing about me. Even when my heart hurts I feel and understand love (I believe) more than many others could even imagine. Love and passion for me go hand in hand because I truly believe you can’t have one without the other. Passion seeps out of my pores in everything I do….even in moments of vulnerability or loneliness. I am an art form. I am passion and I am love. Even through the most painful times in life I have fallen more and more in love with myself because I have learned to be genuine to who I really am. I have become accepting of my past, present and future mistakes because they are going to happen no matter what. I don’t live in these moments I now learn from these moments and I want to influence others to do the same thing because even the cruelest of people has beauty hidden within them.

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Unfinished Thoughts…



I want a lover that wants to share words with me written on paper.  I want notes left for me with simple messages of love….with messages of comfort.  I have this idea of love that to so many seems so unrealistic.  Romance has died for most people but my heart can’t let go of the feeling that there is something….someone beautiful out there for me….someone that wants to leave notes for me to find letting me know that their heart feels the same way mine does.  I am one person on the surface but someone so completely different within.  I used to believe the surface was my mask but it really just is a part of me.  I unveil my mask to those that I grow comfortable with…sometimes this ends in great pain but other times I learn more about the many degrees of love.  I am a person that loves hard…..I love so hard sometimes it hurts.  I feel every emotion with great intensity and I never stop questioning why.  There is a reason and I don’t know if I will ever find it.  It is this complexity within me that I have yet to truly share with someone because I am terrified.  Emotions can so easily be misconstrued and my sensitivity and anxiety could easily be seen as dramatic and chaotic.  I cannot help the battles I fight in my head and sometimes I grow exhausted always trying to push them to the side.  My battles are part of who I am and I want a love that sees those battles and knows that those battles are fueled by passion and not self-absorption.  Every feeling I have is fueled with passion because I have this never-ending desire to learn and to experience everything I possibly can until my last dying breath.  I know so very little of what this world is all about and it drives me and maddens me all at the same time.  I am inspired by everything and it makes me feel like a character in a book wandering to find all of the answers…..knowing some things have no answers.

 I want to fall in love.  I want to feel someone fall in love with me.  I want to let go of all of the wants and wishes and live this life of love that overwhelms my entire being.  I don’t want to live in just one moment….I want to live an entire lifetime with someone.  I want to be understood and wanted in a way that I have never felt.  I want to share my words and my thoughts knowing that they are understood and that they are valued.  The real me is not on the surface and I know that is so cliché to even say but with me there is such truth to it.

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It’s All Just a Fairytale

lord byron

I pick up these habits in life that are really quite maddening.  I tell myself over and over again that I do not really want to fall in love or need to for that matter when in truth it is all that I want.  In my 35 years love has become this undefinable thing that has torn me apart because it owns me and it kills me all at the same time.  Love is this “thing” that I long for that also brings me great anger.  Now, if that is not contradictory I don’t know what is.  I make the same mistakes over and over again  and I start to question the evolution of love and the evolution of people in general.  I try so hard sometimes and I see myself doing it and I just can’t stop it.  I ache on the inside wanting to be seen and I push in a way that infuriates me…..I become someone I don’t at all want to be.  Why do we do this to ourselves periodically throughout life?  Why do we fall into the same traps?  Why do we force ourselves to have to re-learn the same lessons over and over again?

I am the person that loves so hard that it hurts.  I do not love only in romance but I love hard in all of my relationships.  I may be selfish but I love so hard because I want to be loved in return.  Of course it is more than that though.  I love hard because I see the hidden parts of people.  I find the beauty in them that many people might overlook.  I love hard because feeling love is way easier than feeling hate or feeling pain.  But sometimes no matter how hard you love, some people will never love you that same amount.  I am a hopeless romantic in life.  I live in the world of fairytales because I don’t want to think about relationships being painful.  People tell me everyday that my thought is unrealistic and that relationships are hard and are a bunch of work but in my heart I am unable to accept this as a truth.  Love is about learning and compromising yes but I have a full-time job and I don’t believe that my relationships should be another one.  Relationships are not jobs they are these little lucks that fall into our lap when we need them most.  The problem is that I live this life of fairytale and romance and I sometimes cross paths with those that don’t see through the same vision that I do but I still hold on.  I hold onto those that would abandon their grip on me without a second thought.  I hold onto those that have nothing but a weak grip on my hand.  I stay for those that would not stay for me.  I stay for those that don’t see me the way I want….NO….NEED to be seen.  Someone recently told me that two people in a couple will (maybe the word was can) never be best friends.  Even after time with this person and the many conversations we have had, that is the one thing I could never agree with….even if I never shared that vocally.  This statement has lingered with me since the words were uttered.   Love will never mean anything to me if the friendship is not there.  Friendship is the truest form of love.  Not generic friendship but friendship that makes you feel connected to another person naturally.

Maybe this is vain but I feel sorry for those that have not fallen in love with me.  I feel sorry for those who only saw surface deep with me.  I wish others could slide into my body because what I feel almost daily is intense….intense to the point of almost overwhelming.  It is an intensity that has made me fall in love with myself but an intensity that also makes me question who and what I am.  I question why certain things are as they are and why certain things aren’t.  I wonder how others my very same age have experienced this entirely different life than I know and I sometimes wonder which life is better.  It’s not something I should worry about but I do.  It all goes along with that cliche statement of “We’re human.  It happens.”

I sometimes wish I could slip into the minds of others to see if they are all as much of a cluster fuck as I am.  Are their minds as beautifully chaotic as mine?  I found the ability to quiet my mind one day past and life was so different then but I have allowed myself to get sucked back into the madness of life and of society that tells us to “GO GO GO.”  I find these passions and I forget about me.  I give so much to others and in mere moments I come crashing down because I feel this strange wreckless abandonment.  I realize I have once again become lost.  I have forgotten to address these things called feelings.  I have stayed within the madness to avoid the pain or the terror that life might bring.  I used to see this gigantic world outside of myself and I have now pushed myself into this little bubble that has confined me…that has blurred my vision.  I have abandoned so much knowledge I once gained and the desire to step FAR outside of my comfort zone.  I guess I return many times over to thinking of Christopher McCandless and the words “Happiness is only real when shared.”  I hold onto this because it is that happiness that makes me understand love and it is the desire for me to share my everything with someone that makes me not want to give up on love.  It is the longing to have someone waiting to hear my words at the end of the day and even if the words may seem nonsensical they do not care because the words are coming from me.  It is that simplicity that is love but it is humankind that makes it so complex.  I want to escape the complexity but I am unsure of how to.  I feel as if the grip of society has poisoned me and although the simplicity of love is my biggest desire I fear that my exposure to the societal/media elements has done damage that most likely can never be undone.  I guess that is why I always refer it back to being a fairytale.

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I want to venture into a new world.  I want to make my fairytale come true as I see fit.  I want to make my own rules and break all of the ones that surround me every single day.  I want to keep searching for my counterpart that makes me feel alive…..that makes me know that everything that they are is what I have been waiting for.  I can’t help but think that I will know when I know.

Sometimes I question who I am.  Do I really know?  Of course I know.  I am a chaotic, hot shitty mess ad I absolutely love it.  I want people to constantly teach me new things.  I don’t want to be molded.  I want others to show me how they live and allow me to embrace the things I fall in love with.  I want to fall in love with something new every single day.  I want to fall in love with ideas and thoughts and music that tugs at my heart strings….and words that drip of the paper and make me float into a world I have never been to.  I want to live one thousands lives.  I want to be one thousand different people.  Is this possible?  Is there anyone out there I can share this with?

My mind is a beautiful and maddening place.  My wants are endless.  My fears are plentiful.  I know that fear is what stands in the way of all of those things defined as good but I embrace fear….even as uncomfortable as it may be.  I embrace it because I feel as though it is natural.  My mind jumps so quickly I am barely able to keep up.  I do wonder sometimes why I have yet to experience this thing called love that people speak of.  Am I meant to?  Would I know what it was if I experienced it?  I have this aching inside of me that wants it more than anything I have ever wanted but I don’t know if what I truly want is love.  I believe love is so undefinable because it is something that can change….because people change…..the world changes…..our circumstances change.  I don’t believe I have experienced love because with love comes a comfort unlike anything else.  I have yet to experience saying and feeling everything that goes through me with another person.  When I feel that, I believe that is when I will know what love truly is.  When I no longer worry about what the other person thinks about me…..when I can strip naked both physically and emotionally without being panic stricken is when I believe I will know what love truly is.  Maybe that is simply trust but I believe those things go hand in hand.  You can’t have one without the other.

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Those Damn Inner Demons….


monsters under the bed

Do you ever have those moments when you are completely overwhelmed?  A surge of unexplainable and unidentifiable emotions washes all over your body….all over your soul.  It could be words simply drawn onto paper that could cause a great rush of feelings.  Simple words that could put your past right here into your present or put the idea of the future into the now.  Where have we been?  Where are we going?

This is the time of year that my inner demons like to come out and play.  Who are my inner demons you may ask?  My inner demons are those little monsters that peel layer after layer of any sort of self-confidence and self-value away.  Right now I am angry at myself for becoming so un-balanced and slipping through the cracks again.  I promised myself that I would fight to continue my health journey and I, once again, have been caught up in the whirlwind called life.  Certain situations seem to keep repeating themselves throughout my life and I can’t help but think these are challenges being thrown at me intentionally.  I just can’t figure out the solutions.  Maybe I really do know the solutions but I know the outcomes are going to be painful and I am unsure if I am ready for that once again.  Deep down I think I am this amazingly good person but I fight with these demons that say all of these ugly, hateful things to me.  I am fighting depression and I am fighting fear once again.  Sadly, I am embarrassed and angry for falling back into this place because not long ago I was stronger than I had been ever.  I didn’t hold onto the negative feelings or the overwhelming thoughts.  They went as quickly as they came.  I let the chaos of life control me and now I am back to square one.

I have no choice but to trek forward.  I am uncomfortable with myself and to feel that way day in and day out has become exhausting.  I spoke to a dear friend of mine at great length today and while I was speaking I knew I needed to be expressing myself to ease myself of the emptiness and confusion I have been feeling lately….the feeling of the unknown is probably a better way to put it.  While talking I was hearing myself and I was seeing the complexity of my mind.  Before I am even finished with one thought I am onto another and I don’t know where to begin or where to end.  It was so incredibly hard for me to admit things that I did to my friend because in my mind I felt like my problems and my insecurities were of lesser value than the problems of others that surround me.  I put on this mask sometimes that portrays me as happy and bubbly and I do that because I am incredibly uncomfortable showing anger or sadness to others….I don’t want to be judged….even knowing that it is inevitable to happen.  Even just the idea of hurting someone else’s feelings makes me cringe with great discomfort….and sadly this means I am not always being honest.  I have this great passion in me but I am unsure if many know that and sometimes I have no one to share it with.  Sometimes I am weird and sometimes I talk far too much and I do this because of this passion inside of me.  I am self-aware almost the point of madness.  It is as if in majority of situations I am on the outside watching myself….I am my own audience…..and I fumble and I am unclear of what I want to express and unclear of what I feel.  I am sure that most people don’t perceive me the way I perceive myself.  I feel so socially awkward because I lack strength and confidence in certain areas.

I could go on for days discussing this topic because my brain is in shambles right now.  I know what I want and I realize that is not in exact alignment with where my life is right now.  As hard and heart-wrenching painful as this is to admit I desperately want to give my love to someone and I want them to give their love to me but what I want more is to fall in love with myself again.

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