Just Some Thoughts…

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Is simplicity really a possibility?  Is it just a concept we all grasp for but we can never truly reach?  Do we need all of the complicated to see how strong or weak we really are or do we manifest each and every one of our complications?  If we just walk away the complication is no more.  Is it that simple?  Does that mean nothing is worth fighting for?  My head is filled with questions like this all of the time and it seems that as more time passes more and more challenges are thrown at me.  I think I am in one of those phases that makes me wonder how strong I truly am.  My heart knows I can handle anything thrown out me but my head keeps me in this state of constant chaos and questioning.  I know what I want in life but it never seems simple to get those things….ever.  I only truly know my own life but sometimes I watch those that surround me and it seems like certain things come with such ease and I just don’t understand how….or why?  My life is like a rat race and I do love it and I keep it this way because I don’t want to miss anything and I want to accomplish as much as I possibly can.  With that being said, the chaos tends to overcome the peace that is so desperately needed in my life.  Balance is of such great importance and I felt that I had once achieved it but I have lost it again.  How does one balance when life has so much to offer….life gives us so much to learn and see and experience?  When I experienced balance before my life was completely different.  I had time to slow down my mind and my body and I was able to focus on cleansing my mind and body.  I am now fighting to better my life and hopefully better the lives of many of those I am surrounded by day in and day out.  I am not slowing down because I am fighting for a cause that has become a part of who I am.  I struggle with the chaos some days but I ache for more knowing that I am part of the solution and not part of the problem.  Sitting on the sidelines is not an option for me….especially not now when I have found something so worth fighting for…..something worthy and deserving to be fought for. 

So, with this imbalance that I now speak of, what do I do?  How do I know when to make myself a priority?  Right now I am trying to figure out what is right or wrong and I am just sitting right in the middle.  I question if and when to walk away from people or situations.  I question whether I am too weak or whether I am too outspoken.  I question whether I am too hard on myself or hard enough.  I question how others view me and I question how I see myself.  Stepping outside of our comfort zone may be one of the most difficult challenges each and every one of us on this Earth has to face.  Some people choose to never go outside of their comfort zone strictly due to fear.  I do not judge those people because that fear could be legitimate.  Many of those that do not venture out of their comfort zone fear rejection and pain and those experiences when faced can overwhelm us to our core.  Whether we like to admit it or not, most of us still hold our past in our present and this grasp is what keeps us from enjoying the moment and taking chances.  We fear that life is going to repeat itself and the idea of feeling the same kind of hurt, pain or rejection that we experienced in the past is almost intolerable…..intolerable to the point of sickening.  How do we let go of the past and let it be just that?  How do we trust what is right here right now?  I guess the answer is simple…..we uncomfortably and with great unease step outside of our comfort zone and hope for the best.  I guess that we must believe that we are only given as much as we can handle in this life and if we must handle the pain once again then it is meant to be. 

I suppose my words seem pretty cryptic.  They make sense to me and I guess that is what matters most.  I write my words so people can interpret them as they wish.  I will be judged regardless…both negatively and positively and I must accept both.  I write what I do because it keeps me sane.  I am soon to be 35 and I have realized that I must take chances and I must dive into the deep end because life happens entirely to fast not to.  There is no guidelines for life and no rules.  I have to make my own rules and sometimes those rules will seem insane to the majority but they are my rules because this is my life.  I love what I love and I fight for what I believe it.  I get angry sometimes and that anger makes me feel so unbelievably uncomfortable because it feels so unnatural but without that anger I would have no words….I would have no creativity or no drive to do better and be better.  I have talked in complete circles here….that is nothing new.  I have to do that sometimes because, like I said, writing and expressing is my sanity.  I can cry behind the screen of a computer with ease because I am not being knowingly judged….I am being me to the fullest extent.  With every word I type the more stripped away I become and I think because I am this unbelievably nervous person I need that to happen.  Certain days are overwhelming because solutions are not always clear and the confidence I may have had just the day before has dwindled down to almost nothing.  I sometimes wish I could jump right into others minds and then I realize that probably would lead to even more chaos.  I am now simply talking in circles and my thoughts (as usual) never lead me to any place concrete.  I think that is why I find such pleasure in writing…..there does not have to be an ending point if we don’t want there to be.  There are very few places in life where that rule is able to apply. 

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I Needed to Write…

 

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I work with autistic children.  I work with some of the most amazing kids I have ever encountered in my life.  These kids have made me grow to wonder.  They have grounded me and have made me understood what is really important in life.  I sometimes wonder what it would be like to live just one day in their minds.  I joke with these children and tease them (in good fun of course) and I wonder how literally some of them take the things I say.  I may pinch one of their noses and tell them I am going to take it home with me and shortly after I wonder what visual went through that child’s head after I said that.  Did they picture me carrying their nose in my pocket and pulling it out to lay on my dresser at home?  Autism is seen by so many as a deficit when it truth it is just a difference….it is this mind-blowing, wonderous difference.   We know so much and so little about it.

I admit that when I work with these children I sometimes struggle.  I struggle with some of them conveying themselves as being a blank slate while others seem to lack any sort of emotion or social “normalcy”.  I grew up in a household where love was shown each and every day.  Hugs and kisses were (and still are) just something natural that we did and it never felt weird or forced.  My job has grounded me and has allowed me to ease myself from passing judgment on others before I know their story.  Some of these children might seem to be blank slates but I truly believe that to be furthest from the truth.  I was talking to a friend (who is also a coworker) the other day and told her that I (along with most people I work with) have to worst habit of talking about the child to the parent/guardian or even to other coworkers right in front of the child.  We have talked about them as if they weren’t right there or as if they could not possibly understand anything about our “adult” conversation when in truth we have no idea what could be going through the child’s mind.  Just because some of these children have little or no verbal skills does not mean that they do not have a brilliant mind.  Just because some make strange noises or flail different parts of their bodies that does not mean that they lack intelligence or sensibility.   Imagine to yourself not being able to speak and having people talk about you in a manner that made you out as lesser of a person….as a flaw.  Imagine not being able to defend your brilliance.  We may struggle in understanding their “lack” of emotion and we sometimes forget that they are also struggling to understand all of the different emotions they convey.  What they see as so simple may be so very complex to us….or at least that is what our emotions make it seem like.  I sometimes envy those that see the definitive answer because my mind and my emotions can sometimes be maddening.

I started writing this piece because I just watched the movie Temple Grandin and I felt inspired.  If you don’t know who Temple Grandin is I strongly recommend watching the movie and doing your research because this woman is the picture of brilliance.  She did not speak her first words until she was 4 years old and doctors tried convincing her mother to put her in a mental institution because autism at that time was viewed as a mental illness….as a form of schizophrenia.  Her mother could not bring herself to do that and Temple grew up to be a Masters of Science Graduate and her research on cattle and the slaughtering process was published in many scientific journals.  One may think that this type of research would be a real snoozefest  but when you watch the movie and learn the thought process behind  the research you quickly learn that although the emotions of this woman may not be conveyed on the outside and given out freely to those around here that surely does not mean that they do not exist.  This woman with autism showed great compassion for animals and had an eagerness to learn and she had mentors that guided her throughout her life.  She may not have always expressed her gratitude and caring for these people, but it was knowingly there….no words were needed.

This blog entry did not start with a question and really had no set direction to take.  I started writing because I felt lucky.  I felt lucky to have been given an opportunity that has allowed me to “see” into another person’s world….to see a world so different than my own.

“You see the world in ways that others can’t” ~Temple Grandin

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Day 2 Question 2-Year 2

 

                                  what is love

What is love?

My parents are in New York visiting my sister (I am in South Carolina) and we all decided to Skype today.  The entire time that we were talking to each other, my mom and my sister were bickering back and forth.  My mom said my sister was mean to her and my sister talked about how my mom instigated arguments.  I listened to them and thought to myself how I had been in that same place just a few years ago.  It bothered me seeing them argue but I didn’t say anything out of fear that one of them would think I was choosing sides.  I understood where both were coming from but I also saw the changes that “should” be made by both parties to improve their relationship before it is too late.  I am far from perfect and in the past I spent far too much time and energy on being angry and screaming at my mother because she looked at me the wrong way or because I felt like she was instigating and argument.  I can’t tell you the day it happened but I changed.  I stopped seeing all of the things that annoyed me and bothered me and I started seeing all of the things I love. 

Love is unconditional acceptance of another human being no matter what flaws they may have or how much they might drive you crazy sometimes.  Love is not a concept but a feeling.  Love is putting yourself in another person’s shoes to try to understand where they are coming from before choosing to judge their thoughts or actions.  Love is wanting only good things to happen for another person.  Love is having a fear of losing someone because you are unsure how you will survive if they are no longer a part of your physical life.  Love is helping someone through heartache and pain and experiencing sadness yourself because you cannot stand the thought of that person hurting.  True love is being empathetic and compassionate and having a willingness…not not a willingness but a wanting for another person to experience optimal health and great success throughout their life.  True love does not have to be a romantic love.  True love is a feeling outside of yourself…..the willingness to give up your own happiness just so another person can experience their own happiness…even if it is short-lived. 

Love has become this concept that has been sensationalized in a way that has made it nothing but generic in the eyes of the masses.  I have fallen prey to this social stereotype.  I have given up on love more times than I can count because I have yet to experience the fairytale that I have witnessed in dozens of romantic comedies.  It took me 33 years and many tumbles and heartaches to realize that love is all around me…I just need to focus my eyes a little better.  Real, honest and sincere love does not make you question yourself or make you feel bad mentally of physically.  I have listened to so many women (myself included many times in the past) talk about different guys and how he did this or that and made them feel horrible yet they still return to relationships that are made up of nothing but chaos and dysfunction.  Love is not something you question….when you know you know.  Real love makes you better not bitter.  I may still be single at the age of 34 but love is something I will never give up on because I think it is the most important thing in this life…..and in every life before and after.  I think love is the only thing that could possibly save this sinking planet and bandage up the wounds caused by such great anger and disagreement.  I am a dreamer yes and it is what I love about myself because one million times over I would rather carry love in my heart all day everyday over anger, hatred or sadness. 

I do not follow religion….I question religion.  I do not have a specific set of beliefs but my mind is always open.  With that being said, there is a verse in the Bible (as cliché as it may have been made over the past few years) that holds such great truth in terms of the real meaning of love.  I speak of Corinthians 13:4–8a.

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

To whomever has chosen to read my words I ask you to take these thoughts and ideas in and study your own life.  I hope your life is filled with great love and if it is not I hope that you find a way through the darkness into the light and see the love that surrounds you each and every day. 

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Day 1 Question 1-Year 2

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If you had an opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be?

I have spent a lifetime trying to validate every one of my feelings and thoughts.  I have questioned whether my thoughts and feelings were right or wrong.  I have lived to believe that there are a certain set of rules to live by….a specific right way to live.  I have come to learn that this is wrong.  I am not always ok with my feelings and my thoughts.  I do have moments of guilt for feeling less than happy.  I have read enough works written by philosophical gurus to believe that happy is the only way to be.  Happy is what I strive for as much as I can but it is not the outcome of every situation or every day.  Human beings are these amazing creatures designed to think and feel more than we can handle sometimes.  We have come to understand anger and sadness and although those emotions are not idea or beneficial….sometimes they are necessary in order to pave the way to the happiness.  I can’t help but think that it is of the utmost important to accept everything we feel and think because that is our true self in the moment…whether it is pleasant or not. 

I returned to this blog and answering all 365 questions over again because I realized that it was my expression and my honesty that saved me.  It is what made me happy.  Whether or not I would like to admit it, I have slipped since then….I am happy but not as happy as I was when I was doing what I loved every day.  I stopped seeing myself and that has brought discomfort.

So, you may ask what any of this babble has to do with the question at hand….well trust me it does.  The message I would give to a mass audience….hell to everyone I possibly could…is to be ok with yourself.  Be ok with what you feel and what you think in the moment even if you don’t like it.  Lately I have felt so rejected which in turn has made me feel so ugly and so useless.  I detest that this feelings and thoughts are even a part of me but they are and I have to be honest about them if I have any intention of moving forward.  My thoughts have felt so ridiculously superficial because I have spent the last few years standing on my soapbox saying that having a significant other in my life will not make me complete.  I still believe those words but I also believe that no experiences are as good if they are not shared.  I have come to accept my moments of loneliness and see them as opportunities to get myself back to the gym and to express myself as creatively as I so desire.  A part of me does wish that I had a “special someone” (ugh I hate that term) to share myself with….to feel a level of comfort that is so rare between 2 people.  What I want to tell people is to not let others dictate how you should think or feel.  In my moments of loneliness I worry that others will view me as weak and needy and I want to be perceived as an Ironwoman made of great strength.  Well, I am a woman…I am emotional.  I have needs and wants and sometimes I desire companionship that has the potential to last a lifetime.  I have learned that I cannot keep apologizing (even if it is only in my head) for being sensitive and for being worrisome.  I have days in which I spend endless hours laughing and smiling and hope that I can relive those moments over and over again.  I also have days where I spend time degrading myself in my own head and worry about the masses and what they think of me.  I am ok with having both of those kinds of days because I am who I am and I accept it…..I accept the beauty and the gifts I have but I also accept the imperfections.  It is not always easy but as the extremely overused and pretty much annoying saying goes…”It is what it is.”

I think we live in a world where the majority is not ok with themselves.  I think we live in a world where we focus so much on teaching the basics (math, science, English, etc.) that some (a lot) of people are fearful of what they are feeling and thinking.  We don’t share compassion or empathy with each (at least not on a regular basis) so we don’t know how to deal with each other.  We don’t know how to express our anger without harm or our sadness without falling into a depression.  If I were on my soapbox with the world as my audience I would tell the people to try their very best to accept themselves and to ask for help when they need it.  I would tell the people to accept themselves and to not feel shame for their mistakes because it is those mistakes that make us human.  I would tell the world that mistakes are made only once…the second time is a choice.  As people I can’t help but believe that so many people are living behind masks because we have become afraid to express how we feel or what we think out of fear of judgment.  I would tell the world to try to let go of this fear because simple expression can be a beautiful cure for the insanity known as life. 

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I Have Been Gone Too Long….I Vow to Return

vulnerable hero text

I had an at length discussion with this nameless someone (and I choose to keep this person nameless not out of shame but instead out of the sacredness of our relationship and the wanting to keep it only between us) a few days ago and I told him that showing vulnerability was something I hated…deep down to my core I hated it.  He then followed up with, “Well what is vulnerability?”  My senses knew what I meant but the words felt nearly impossible to express.  In that moment I felt vulnerable.  I had to think before I was able to speak.  What is vulnerability to me?  I first had to remember my belief that everything can be defined so differently by each person that roams this earth.  So, again, what is vulnerability?  Well, let me back up for a minute and explain my relationship with this person.  I met this person through an online dating site well over a year ago.  I remember reading his profile and I knew immediately that I had to write to him.  The first words I wrote were:  I think you may just be the male version of me.  From then on the conversations continued and we spoke of meeting but it had not happened (until just very recently).  Throughout us chatting online I was unsure of how I felt.  Was this merely a friendship or could it be more?  After several months and a countless number of electronic exchanges we finally spoke on the phone.  His voice changed the entire game for me (I use the word game loosely so don’t get it mixed up with thinking I view relationships as games).  All of our previous exchanges were miniscule in comparison to hearing the sound of his voice….the rises and falls and the ease in the words as they fell off of his tongue.  I immediately became eager to meet the person behind the voice….the person that made words so beautiful without even trying…..the person that told stories of a world that he sees so beautifully….a world that so few other people are able to see.  The day finally came, after many months of electronic and verbal exchanges, that we were due to meet.  Whether I wanted to admit it or not, I was nervous.    Well we finally met and the time we spent together left me feeling something I had never felt before.  The nervousness never disappeared fully but the ease of being around him was something so very new for me.  I listened to him without questioning motives behind his words.  I believed what he said without assuming there was some sort of ulterior motive.  I felt inspired because he made life look so easy.  I was drawn to him because he is someone I unknowingly had been looking for.   He was that comfort that very rarely existed in my being.

So, to get back to my definition of vulnerability….In our lives we experience an abundance of pleasure (if we are lucky) but we also experience pain.  We need this pain in order to truly appreciate the pleasures.  With that being said, pain is never simple and just like pleasure it stirs up a variety of other emotions and feelings.  We all have a story….a history for lack of better words.  People will hurt us while we saunter on the path of life as we will hurt others (sometimes knowingly while other times unknowingly).  Some people in life experience the pain and move on to the next thing.  I am working to be one of those people but I have not quite mastered the technique.  Being vulnerable means showing the true and honest me…..showing all flaws and ridding myself of the mask that has been worn from the time I was a young child.  I am not confrontational and I would always choose to make others happy before making myself happy….this is an unbalance in my life.  In the written word I see myself as brilliant but in the spoken, three-dimensional world I am still a lost young girl wandering around watching everyone around me living lives that I am unsure are meant for me or not???  I hate admitting that I need other people because in the past I have lost many and my heart has hurt unbearably because of it.  I know that the past is simply an illusion but it is hard to forget that sort of pain and it is easy to avoid ever feeling that way again if you possibly can.  So, instead of admitting and expressing my true feelings I hide them….I bury them deep within me.  I guess  a part of me feels that I will no longer do that when the right person/people venture into my life….I will be able to give all of me as opposed to just pieces of me….I will come out of the hiding…..I will be vulnerable and be comfortable with that vulnerability.  Whether I like saying it or even writing it, we all need people in our lives.  As quoted from one of my favorite books, Into the Wild, “No experience is ever as pleasurable if it is not shared.”  These words seem so simple as does the concept.  We may not be able to share all experiences in the physical sense but we have opportunities all of the time to share them in the written or verbal sense.  I want to share my life with someone.  I do not need or want the traditional lifestyle and to live in a manner that society sees fit but I do want to talk endlessly with someone until my last dying breath and have them share as much of themselves with me as they possibly can.

I feel like if my life comes together with that of another beautiful dreamer so much like myself that our lives could and would be surrounded by art.  I imagine rooms being filled with inspiration and the written word.  Through the chaos of words would be the beauty of life.  I cannot share my life with someone that is not an artist….it took me a long time to learn this but there is nothing more true than this.  I may fear love in the manner of losing it but I feel love in a way that makes me feel alive…..love is the most sacred thing in this world that I know right here right now.  I know that I must step out of my comfort zone and rid myself of the fear that is only there because of my past.

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Just Some Random Chatter

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I need to get back to my meditation.  I feel more clear now than I have in most of my lifetime and I still stand behind my convictions but I need to return to those moments of mental rest and allow my body to be more at peace.  I need to give both my mind and body a rest.  I feel so much deep within me but I am tired.  I may give my body time to rest but I have not given my mind or soul time to rest in far too long.  I know this because my self-doubt is holding on a little too strong right now.

I am always looking for the answer to the question “why?”  I don’t know what my spiritual beliefs are but I have heard many times that “God does not give us more than we can handle” and “Everything happens for a reason.”  I do believe we each have a path for some reason or another and I guess sometimes that is maddening to me.  It does not make me angry I just wonder (over and over again) if there really is a time that we will find or understand this purpose or our reason.  What is real and what is not?  Are we all in control of our own destiny?

I was given a book recommendation by a new soon to be coworker (I will get into that in a different entry) called “What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love and Marriage”.  There was an excerpt in the book that I would swear was written about me.  It went as follows:  “I am an altogether different person than I was three years ago. My friends and family may not have noticed, but I am almost unrecognizable to myself at times. My outlook is more optimistic. I’m less judgmental. I have vastly more patience and self-control. I’m a better observer. I get along better with people. I have a peace of mind that comes from the world making so much more sense to me.”  I am undoubtedly a different person than I was 3 years ago….hell even from just one year ago.  I love this person I have become but I still struggle with the thoughts of the person that I once was and the decisions I once made.  I know the past is in the past and there is no going back to change it but I can’t help but think about what my reputation still is to other based on those poor choices once made in moments of weakness and self-loathing.  I spent so many years never taking the time to see or love myself and just made one detrimental choice after another and these choices still leave me with lingering feelings of embarrassment and anger.  There are people I hope I never see again because I don’t know if they will ever see me as more than the mess of a person that I was at one time past.  Again, I know that it is only this moment that matters and how far I have come….but the thoughts are still there whether I like them or not.  That knot still sits in my stomach when I happen to think back to a time when I drank too much and made some very questionable choices….choices that made me look pathetic, slutty and all and all ridiculously insecure.  At one time I could have been the butt of everyone’s jokes because of the stupid decisions I made.  I know now that I had absolutely no self-respect.  It was never about anyone else….it was me just fighting my inner demons and believing that these poor choices were what was going to get me noticed and loved (if only for a moment).  I could not have been more wrong.
I am secure with myself now….well way more secure than I ever used to be.  I am a female so it goes without saying that in moments insecurity is a given.  It is strange though but this security came when I spent more time alone.  I knew I had to distance myself from certain people because an energy within me knew that the relationship was neither beneficial to me or to them.  I have grown to no longer be fake and I cannot force relationships with people.  I would rather spend time wrapped up into a book or trekking away on the elliptical at the gym than forcing myself to befriend someone that shares no common interests of mine (and vice versa)…just for the sake of having a friend.  I will ALWAYS look for the good in people and I love telling people (even strangers) the good things I see in them but this is not a friendship make.  Like I have always said with romantic relationships, the same goes for friendships, they should be natural.  When a relationship is forced we are making ourselves do unnecessary work that will probably reap little or no benefits.  I realize that this mindset of mine may push some people away and may make others think that I am pushing everyone away.  I can’t make people see or understand my vision.  This is why I have spent a good amount of time by myself.  I no longer want to have fake and forced relationships.  Life passes us by at a record speed whether we want to believe it or not and I want to look back in 30+ years and remember the genuine relationships I had and the people that changed me with their wisdom and their outlook on life.  I want to look back and see that my relationships were made up of give and take and all parties came out better because of that.
As human beings we are molded (myself included).  We have been exposed to so much in this world that sometimes our thoughts and our actions are not truly our own.  We act, react and overreact to everything because we have been shaped by someone or something that surrounds us.  This is not always a negative thing….it is just something that many do not notice as they saunter through everyday life.  People have told me many times throughout my life that I worry too much and I think too much but what they don’t realize is that I am constantly observing my own behaviors in order to try to do what I think is most suitable for the situation at hand.  It may be easy to say to me, “Just relax and go with the flow” but sometimes that mentality only makes a situation worsen.  My self-awareness has great potential to make almost every situation I come into better.  The way I handle a situation can play the main part in how all actions play out.  Do you follow me?  I avoid confrontation and telling people that they are wrong as much as possible (even if deep down in my gut I feel like they are wrong) because I am aware of those things that I have potentially been guilty of and without living in the mind, body and soul of another person I cannot possibly understand their motives or intentions.  I can only make assumptions and we all know what happens when we do that.  If you read my 365 day blog entries you can not only see but feel the continual evaluation and evolution of self.  I do not do this strictly because I want to please others.  I do this so I can make as many situations for myself as pleasant as possible.  I know there are no benefits to anger and rage.  I know no good will come from being confrontational and ugly.  If anything, the consequences of those behaviors would be the exact opposite of what I was striving for.  So, although I may think and feel as if something is wrong, I must remember that I will never truly understand another’s motives and I must move forward and draw my attention elsewhere.  I must not chase those people and situations that will be of no benefit to my life.  I have done that so much in the past and the results have always been the same.  Although this life is confusing and with this confusion can sometimes feel like a heart piercing loneliness…this life is mine.  I cannot help but feel that I do have complete control of my own destiny because I am unable to see what is only on the surface.  I have dove deeper into my consciousness and there is no chance to ever resurface…..what has been seen cannot be unseen.  I know this probably sounds like just a bunch of nonsense and words just strewn together but to me it makes complete sense.  My thoughts are so little of who I am.  It is so much more than that and I offer my words in hopes to meet others that can understand what I am not only saying but what I am feeling.
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My Chaotic Self

Imagination

I seem to do my best thinking when I am at the gym.  It must be all of those endorphins bouncing around my brain.  My body may physically spent but my mind seems to always be clear as day when I am working out.  I can be surrounded by people but feel like this is my place of seclusion where my truest and most clear thoughts swarm into my brain. Things in my life right now seem to be panning out…knock on wood.  I keep getting closer to the goals I have set forth for myself.  I started this new blog about a month ago (give or take) and as of this morning I am down 8.6 lbs. and I am unsure of how many inches (2 weeks ago it was 6 inches).  I still have a trek ahead of me to reach my weight and body goal but my determination levels are through the roof and when I progress I don’t stop until I get what I want.  I do hit walls sometimes though.  I have yet to stop comparing myself to others.  I have yet to stop assuming others think I am not good enough because of my body or my imperfections.  It is all part of the process called life…I know this but it is never simple to just switch off these thoughts and abandon them completely.  I believe that change is possible but relapse is almost inevitable.  I believe it is the relapse that strengthens us though…..it is the test that we need to prove to ourselves how strong we are.

I sometimes get these momentary images in my head….the images of wonder I like to call them.  Today while at the gym I turned on a song that ALWAYS seeps under my skin and makes me feel anything and everything all in one moment.  The song is Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.  I have never been the person to believe that my life would be complete once I had a boyfriend or better yet a husband.  I have needed to constantly prove to myself how strong I am independently and if someone were to come into my life it would be a bonus not a completion.  I hurt on the inside though because I know that I have given up on trying to put myself out there.  I sabotage myself by assuming I am not going to be good enough for someone and I worry and worry and worry some more.  My past is still in my present and I am fully aware of it.  This morning while I trekked along on the elliptical I imagined myself in a white wedding dress with a man’s arms wrapped around my waist.  I couldn’t see his face….I didn’t need to.  We stood in the middle of the dance floor and started to dance our first dance together as a married couple and when the song began (Chasing Cars) my eyes swelled up.  I looked at him and said, “Thank you for finding me.”  It may sound silly but sometimes when you wander through life you are able to see all of the beauty (which I do) but sometimes you feel lost and you feel like you are waiting for someone but you don’t know who that person is or why you are looking/waiting for them.  I know how beautiful I am both inside and out but I hide and I do know that it will take a lot of digging for someone to find the real me….it will take someone really wanting to.  In my daydream I thanked this person because he found me in all of my chaos.  I thanked him for really seeing me as beautiful instead of drama-filled because of my intensity.

This blog was started to focus on my health journey but I feel the need to get my thoughts out into the universe….writing is my sanity and my guide to health.  Health is such a generic word with an endless amount of definitions.  I understand the difference between being alone and being lonely.  I am alone a lot and most of the time I am ok with it….I actually embrace it because I am able to collect my thoughts and feelings and dissect them as much or as little as I want to.  It is my time to understand and love me….to have that relationship with myself that I had lacked and taken for granted for far too long.  With that being said, I do sometimes feel lonely because I want to experience things and talk until the wee hours of the morning with someone and there is nothing but empty space.  This blog is my drug….it is my ticket to serenity.  Over the past few weeks I have had moments of loneliness and with loneliness comes self-doubt and the typical question of, “What is wrong with me?”  or better yet “Why not me?”  No, I don’t understand why not me but I also don’t think I am meant to.  I can’t help but think that I am here to face these challenges and find this inner strength.  I truly believe I hold a lot of power…..a lot of influence and there is nothing that can interfere with that….even if it may take time.  I question the existence of God (as most people already know) but I can’t help but feel a power of some sort that is guiding me in a particular direction and although I experience these moments of loneliness I am being challenged….I am being pushed in a particular direction to make changes and make a difference somehow or another.  I have needed to find this person (me) that has been aimlessly wandering for so long and although I still wander I wander with purpose now.

I went off the beaten path today.  I plan to regroup in the next couple of days to share some new pictures of my body and weight changes as well as measurements.  I hope everyone stays tuned in!  All of my love!!!

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