Unfinished…

chaos

I want to venture into a new world.  I want to make my fairytale come true as I see fit.  I want to make my own rules and break all of the ones that surround me every single day.  I want to keep searching for my counterpart that makes me feel alive…..that makes me know that everything that they are is what I have been waiting for.  I can’t help but think that I will know when I know.

Sometimes I question who I am.  Do I really know?  Of course I know.  I am a chaotic, hot shitty mess ad I absolutely love it.  I want people to constantly teach me new things.  I don’t want to be molded.  I want others to show me how they live and allow me to embrace the things I fall in love with.  I want to fall in love with something new every single day.  I want to fall in love with ideas and thoughts and music that tugs at my heart strings….and words that drip of the paper and make me float into a world I have never been to.  I want to live one thousands lives.  I want to be one thousand different people.  Is this possible?  Is there anyone out there I can share this with?

My mind is a beautiful and maddening place.  My wants are endless.  My fears are plentiful.  I know that fear is what stands in the way of all of those things defined as good but I embrace fear….even as uncomfortable as it may be.  I embrace it because I feel as though it is natural.  My mind jumps so quickly I am barely able to keep up.  I do wonder sometimes why I have yet to experience this thing called love that people speak of.  Am I meant to?  Would I know what it was if I experienced it?  I have this aching inside of me that wants it more than anything I have ever wanted but I don’t know if what I truly want is love.  I believe love is so undefinable because it is something that can change….because people change…..the world changes…..our circumstances change.  I don’t believe I have experienced love because with love comes a comfort unlike anything else.  I have yet to experience saying and feeling everything that goes through me with another person.  When I feel that, I believe that is when I will know what love truly is.  When I no longer worry about what the other person thinks about me…..when I can strip naked both physically and emotionally without being panic stricken is when I believe I will know what love truly is.  Maybe that is simply trust but I believe those things go hand in hand.  You can’t have one without the other.

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5 Responses to Unfinished…

  1. dan4kent says:

    Rock on. I second your emotion. What a power plant waiting to come on-line if we just get out of the way and let it! Well said. Better lived. Dan

  2. golfkat says:

    You have touched my soul. Perhaps that is an omen? I enjoy your posts. Check mine at golfkat.

  3. brendamarroy says:

    I believe you do know what love is like and how it feels. The reason I believe this is because I read how you are growing in Self-love, which determines our ability to let “real love” in. You go girl. Keep loving and accepting yourself the way you are doing and watch what shows up in your corner of the world. Cheers and hugs. Brenda

  4. cyprineb says:

    I love this quote. I always felt excitement when I witnessed chaos either first or second hand. As I get older I realize that it’s because subconsciously I know that if I truly embraced it, then I would be welcoming great changes into my life.

  5. beingzora says:

    Wonderful post. Zee

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