I want to venture into a new world. I want to make my fairytale come true as I see fit. I want to make my own rules and break all of the ones that surround me every single day. I want to keep searching for my counterpart that makes me feel alive…..that makes me know that everything that they are is what I have been waiting for. I can’t help but think that I will know when I know.
Sometimes I question who I am. Do I really know? Of course I know. I am a chaotic, hot shitty mess ad I absolutely love it. I want people to constantly teach me new things. I don’t want to be molded. I want others to show me how they live and allow me to embrace the things I fall in love with. I want to fall in love with something new every single day. I want to fall in love with ideas and thoughts and music that tugs at my heart strings….and words that drip of the paper and make me float into a world I have never been to. I want to live one thousands lives. I want to be one thousand different people. Is this possible? Is there anyone out there I can share this with?
My mind is a beautiful and maddening place. My wants are endless. My fears are plentiful. I know that fear is what stands in the way of all of those things defined as good but I embrace fear….even as uncomfortable as it may be. I embrace it because I feel as though it is natural. My mind jumps so quickly I am barely able to keep up. I do wonder sometimes why I have yet to experience this thing called love that people speak of. Am I meant to? Would I know what it was if I experienced it? I have this aching inside of me that wants it more than anything I have ever wanted but I don’t know if what I truly want is love. I believe love is so undefinable because it is something that can change….because people change…..the world changes…..our circumstances change. I don’t believe I have experienced love because with love comes a comfort unlike anything else. I have yet to experience saying and feeling everything that goes through me with another person. When I feel that, I believe that is when I will know what love truly is. When I no longer worry about what the other person thinks about me…..when I can strip naked both physically and emotionally without being panic stricken is when I believe I will know what love truly is. Maybe that is simply trust but I believe those things go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other.