I want to venture into a new world.  I want to make my fairytale come true as I see fit.  I want to make my own rules and break all of the ones that surround me every single day.  I want to keep searching for my counterpart that makes me feel alive…..that makes me know that everything that they are is what I have been waiting for.  I can’t help but think that I will know when I know.

Sometimes I question who I am.  Do I really know?  Of course I know.  I am a chaotic, hot shitty mess ad I absolutely love it.  I want people to constantly teach me new things.  I don’t want to be molded.  I want others to show me how they live and allow me to embrace the things I fall in love with.  I want to fall in love with something new every single day.  I want to fall in love with ideas and thoughts and music that tugs at my heart strings….and words that drip of the paper and make me float into a world I have never been to.  I want to live one thousands lives.  I want to be one thousand different people.  Is this possible?  Is there anyone out there I can share this with?

My mind is a beautiful and maddening place.  My wants are endless.  My fears are plentiful.  I know that fear is what stands in the way of all of those things defined as good but I embrace fear….even as uncomfortable as it may be.  I embrace it because I feel as though it is natural.  My mind jumps so quickly I am barely able to keep up.  I do wonder sometimes why I have yet to experience this thing called love that people speak of.  Am I meant to?  Would I know what it was if I experienced it?  I have this aching inside of me that wants it more than anything I have ever wanted but I don’t know if what I truly want is love.  I believe love is so undefinable because it is something that can change….because people change…..the world changes…..our circumstances change.  I don’t believe I have experienced love because with love comes a comfort unlike anything else.  I have yet to experience saying and feeling everything that goes through me with another person.  When I feel that, I believe that is when I will know what love truly is.  When I no longer worry about what the other person thinks about me…..when I can strip naked both physically and emotionally without being panic stricken is when I believe I will know what love truly is.  Maybe that is simply trust but I believe those things go hand in hand.  You can’t have one without the other.