Do you ever have those moments when you are completely overwhelmed? A surge of unexplainable and unidentifiable emotions washes all over your body….all over your soul. It could be words simply drawn onto paper that could cause a great rush of feelings. Simple words that could put your past right here into your present or put the idea of the future into the now. Where have we been? Where are we going?
This is the time of year that my inner demons like to come out and play. Who are my inner demons you may ask? My inner demons are those little monsters that peel layer after layer of any sort of self-confidence and self-value away. Right now I am angry at myself for becoming so un-balanced and slipping through the cracks again. I promised myself that I would fight to continue my health journey and I, once again, have been caught up in the whirlwind called life. Certain situations seem to keep repeating themselves throughout my life and I can’t help but think these are challenges being thrown at me intentionally. I just can’t figure out the solutions. Maybe I really do know the solutions but I know the outcomes are going to be painful and I am unsure if I am ready for that once again. Deep down I think I am this amazingly good person but I fight with these demons that say all of these ugly, hateful things to me. I am fighting depression and I am fighting fear once again. Sadly, I am embarrassed and angry for falling back into this place because not long ago I was stronger than I had been ever. I didn’t hold onto the negative feelings or the overwhelming thoughts. They went as quickly as they came. I let the chaos of life control me and now I am back to square one.
I have no choice but to trek forward. I am uncomfortable with myself and to feel that way day in and day out has become exhausting. I spoke to a dear friend of mine at great length today and while I was speaking I knew I needed to be expressing myself to ease myself of the emptiness and confusion I have been feeling lately….the feeling of the unknown is probably a better way to put it. While talking I was hearing myself and I was seeing the complexity of my mind. Before I am even finished with one thought I am onto another and I don’t know where to begin or where to end. It was so incredibly hard for me to admit things that I did to my friend because in my mind I felt like my problems and my insecurities were of lesser value than the problems of others that surround me. I put on this mask sometimes that portrays me as happy and bubbly and I do that because I am incredibly uncomfortable showing anger or sadness to others….I don’t want to be judged….even knowing that it is inevitable to happen. Even just the idea of hurting someone else’s feelings makes me cringe with great discomfort….and sadly this means I am not always being honest. I have this great passion in me but I am unsure if many know that and sometimes I have no one to share it with. Sometimes I am weird and sometimes I talk far too much and I do this because of this passion inside of me. I am self-aware almost the point of madness. It is as if in majority of situations I am on the outside watching myself….I am my own audience…..and I fumble and I am unclear of what I want to express and unclear of what I feel. I am sure that most people don’t perceive me the way I perceive myself. I feel so socially awkward because I lack strength and confidence in certain areas.
I could go on for days discussing this topic because my brain is in shambles right now. I know what I want and I realize that is not in exact alignment with where my life is right now. As hard and heart-wrenching painful as this is to admit I desperately want to give my love to someone and I want them to give their love to me but what I want more is to fall in love with myself again.