Is simplicity really a possibility? Is it just a concept we all grasp for but we can never truly reach? Do we need all of the complicated to see how strong or weak we really are or do we manifest each and every one of our complications? If we just walk away the complication is no more. Is it that simple? Does that mean nothing is worth fighting for? My head is filled with questions like this all of the time and it seems that as more time passes more and more challenges are thrown at me. I think I am in one of those phases that makes me wonder how strong I truly am. My heart knows I can handle anything thrown out me but my head keeps me in this state of constant chaos and questioning. I know what I want in life but it never seems simple to get those things….ever. I only truly know my own life but sometimes I watch those that surround me and it seems like certain things come with such ease and I just don’t understand how….or why? My life is like a rat race and I do love it and I keep it this way because I don’t want to miss anything and I want to accomplish as much as I possibly can. With that being said, the chaos tends to overcome the peace that is so desperately needed in my life. Balance is of such great importance and I felt that I had once achieved it but I have lost it again. How does one balance when life has so much to offer….life gives us so much to learn and see and experience? When I experienced balance before my life was completely different. I had time to slow down my mind and my body and I was able to focus on cleansing my mind and body. I am now fighting to better my life and hopefully better the lives of many of those I am surrounded by day in and day out. I am not slowing down because I am fighting for a cause that has become a part of who I am. I struggle with the chaos some days but I ache for more knowing that I am part of the solution and not part of the problem. Sitting on the sidelines is not an option for me….especially not now when I have found something so worth fighting for…..something worthy and deserving to be fought for.
So, with this imbalance that I now speak of, what do I do? How do I know when to make myself a priority? Right now I am trying to figure out what is right or wrong and I am just sitting right in the middle. I question if and when to walk away from people or situations. I question whether I am too weak or whether I am too outspoken. I question whether I am too hard on myself or hard enough. I question how others view me and I question how I see myself. Stepping outside of our comfort zone may be one of the most difficult challenges each and every one of us on this Earth has to face. Some people choose to never go outside of their comfort zone strictly due to fear. I do not judge those people because that fear could be legitimate. Many of those that do not venture out of their comfort zone fear rejection and pain and those experiences when faced can overwhelm us to our core. Whether we like to admit it or not, most of us still hold our past in our present and this grasp is what keeps us from enjoying the moment and taking chances. We fear that life is going to repeat itself and the idea of feeling the same kind of hurt, pain or rejection that we experienced in the past is almost intolerable…..intolerable to the point of sickening. How do we let go of the past and let it be just that? How do we trust what is right here right now? I guess the answer is simple…..we uncomfortably and with great unease step outside of our comfort zone and hope for the best. I guess that we must believe that we are only given as much as we can handle in this life and if we must handle the pain once again then it is meant to be.
I suppose my words seem pretty cryptic. They make sense to me and I guess that is what matters most. I write my words so people can interpret them as they wish. I will be judged regardless…both negatively and positively and I must accept both. I write what I do because it keeps me sane. I am soon to be 35 and I have realized that I must take chances and I must dive into the deep end because life happens entirely to fast not to. There is no guidelines for life and no rules. I have to make my own rules and sometimes those rules will seem insane to the majority but they are my rules because this is my life. I love what I love and I fight for what I believe it. I get angry sometimes and that anger makes me feel so unbelievably uncomfortable because it feels so unnatural but without that anger I would have no words….I would have no creativity or no drive to do better and be better. I have talked in complete circles here….that is nothing new. I have to do that sometimes because, like I said, writing and expressing is my sanity. I can cry behind the screen of a computer with ease because I am not being knowingly judged….I am being me to the fullest extent. With every word I type the more stripped away I become and I think because I am this unbelievably nervous person I need that to happen. Certain days are overwhelming because solutions are not always clear and the confidence I may have had just the day before has dwindled down to almost nothing. I sometimes wish I could jump right into others minds and then I realize that probably would lead to even more chaos. I am now simply talking in circles and my thoughts (as usual) never lead me to any place concrete. I think that is why I find such pleasure in writing…..there does not have to be an ending point if we don’t want there to be. There are very few places in life where that rule is able to apply.