WARNING WARNING WARNING COMPLETELY EXPOSED!!

INSERT FACE PALM ALONG WITH HEAD SHAKE RIGHT HERE!!!

me

So this just may be the hardest entry in this entire health journey to post.  I look at the picture above and all I feel is internal rage!!  Its embarrassing!  It makes me want to crawl under a rock.  I have become more of an introvert over the years.  I am starting to see that I was an introvert because I was embarrassed of my body.  I have not felt confident in quite some time.  I sit here and I want to cry thinking about it all.  I know I am nowhere near the size I once was.  I see my natural curves and I can look at my body and see the potential for change.  Look at my hour glad figure.  If I can push myself to get fit in all of the right places I would be total sexy curvy.  My skin will not be super smooth but being in my bra and undies or even in a bathing suit I KNOW I wouldn’t feel anywhere near as uncomfortable as I do now.  My weight and my body have been the main source of my mental health issues throughout the years.  I, hands down, know this.  I am so consumed with how I look, what I eat and how much exercise I get on a day to day basis that it has affected my life significantly.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing job and friends and so many great things that bring me joy, but I know that my life does not have the happiness it could because of how obsessed I am with this.  I lack any kind of confidence.  I am ashamed.  BUT I am not giving up.  I have been up and down with my weight for as long as I can remember.  And never do I remember a time when I wasn’t struggling with my weight or what size I was.  Athletic stuff never came naturally to me.  I have not felt comfortable in my own skin but only maybe a handful (possibly less) of times in my life.  I think that 2018 was so traumatic for me that something in me turned on one day and KNEW that the excuses needed to end.  We can only wallow for so long.  Again, don’t misunderstand me, everyone is entitled to time to grieve and for some it takes a long time BUT I have to believe that the person that passed would (not in a million years) want you to live that way.  Life is this ever changing thing and so much changes so fast over time and I am getting tired of being anxious or sad or unmotivated and downright lazy all of the time.  I want this so much it hurts (literally and physically).  So, with me putting the picture above on the internet for who knows how many people to see, you now know I am putting it all out there.  There is no going back now.  I want people to support my journey but I also want (yes, I know it sounds crazy) criticism and harsh words too.  In order to feel happier I need to stop pleasing everyone or need everyone’s approval/care what everyone thinks about me.  I want to get to a place where that is no more.  It may take me the rest of my life but fuck if I am not going to try.  I believe it is ok to vulnerable because when we are vulnerable we are our truest self.  The problem is that seeing our truest self is probably the most terrifying thing ever.  Our truest self is our most honest self.  So putting my picture up there is letting you know that this is probably THE most vulnerable thing I have ever done.  I am not saying that so anyone gives me a pat on the back.  I am saying it because it pushes me to make this change.  It makes me know that this time is different.  I may fail or have setbacks but a long as I have this image and this entry then I will always have a place to come back to to remind me that its not about an ending it is about the journey.  And in order for the journey to be a good one it is vital that I get my health in check so I can truly enjoy as much as possible.

 

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7 Responses to WARNING WARNING WARNING COMPLETELY EXPOSED!!

  1. My dear, take a super long deep breath, exhale and then, relax.
    Here is what I see from reading and witnessing your post.
    A brave woman who cares enough about herself and those who may feel just like her to post a struggle for all to understand.
    That was the obvious
    Now here is the rest. I also see a healthy, vibrant human being. Our bodies change and go through cycles depending on our environment. That is ok. You are not sick, cancer has not ravaged your body and the opportunity to create what ever vision you have for yourself is always present.
    Start by loving yourself from the inside out and the rest will follow. Beauty, true unaltered beauty and confidence comes from the inside out and has nothing to do with how you perceive yourself in a swimsuit. (Although I do know there are times it helps) 😀
    You have already taken the first steps by being open and honest, now find the rest or recognize what already exists within and move forward.
    Just some simple unwarranted advice from someone who has been there.

  2. granny1947 says:

    Oh My Word.
    I did not know what to expect when I opened your post.
    Certainly not what I saw.
    Ok, your are a bit chubby.
    You are not obese.
    You are far from obese.
    You need to be a bit kinder to yourself.
    You appear to be young.
    This is good.
    With a bit of determination(and you seem to have that) you will shed those extra pounds quite easily.
    You are in control.
    I, too, have been there.
    I got on the scale at work and thought “how the hell did that happen?”
    Cut out all starch and ate loads of vegetables and meat.
    Snacked on fruit.
    It melted away in about four months.
    I never starved myself.
    Just ate the good stuff.
    I will be following you with great interest.
    I know you can do it.

  3. admin says:

    I relate to you. We are the most critical of our own bodies and the least aware of how others really see us. My advice is to treat yourself the way you would treat a precious friend: with love and kindness and patience. Give yourself healthy food and make time for exercise and rest. Avoid the negative self-talk and criticisms; they only serve to hurt and make you believe the worst about yourself – and they are false! And take each moment as it comes; stay in the present moment. The past and the future are not where you live. You are here right now, breathing and vital.
    Diane, these are advices I give to myself, too. Like everyone else I struggle with challenges to my esteem and self-worth. I believe we can be our own best supporters just as easily as we can be our own destroyers. You have to start by seeing the beauty and uniqueness that is you, the individual you are today in this moment. You are here for a reason and your message touches others, often more than you may ever know!

    • Diane :0) says:

      Thank you. Your response really means so much ❤ And thank you for checking out my blog 🙂

      • admin says:

        You’re welcome! I want you to know that you are not alone. I hear you and I care ❤ And it sounds like other friends care, too. I hope that helps! 🐱

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