INSERT FACE PALM ALONG WITH HEAD SHAKE RIGHT HERE!!!
So this just may be the hardest entry in this entire health journey to post. I look at the picture above and all I feel is internal rage!! Its embarrassing! It makes me want to crawl under a rock. I have become more of an introvert over the years. I am starting to see that I was an introvert because I was embarrassed of my body. I have not felt confident in quite some time. I sit here and I want to cry thinking about it all. I know I am nowhere near the size I once was. I see my natural curves and I can look at my body and see the potential for change. Look at my hour glad figure. If I can push myself to get fit in all of the right places I would be total sexy curvy. My skin will not be super smooth but being in my bra and undies or even in a bathing suit I KNOW I wouldn’t feel anywhere near as uncomfortable as I do now. My weight and my body have been the main source of my mental health issues throughout the years. I, hands down, know this. I am so consumed with how I look, what I eat and how much exercise I get on a day to day basis that it has affected my life significantly. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing job and friends and so many great things that bring me joy, but I know that my life does not have the happiness it could because of how obsessed I am with this. I lack any kind of confidence. I am ashamed. BUT I am not giving up. I have been up and down with my weight for as long as I can remember. And never do I remember a time when I wasn’t struggling with my weight or what size I was. Athletic stuff never came naturally to me. I have not felt comfortable in my own skin but only maybe a handful (possibly less) of times in my life. I think that 2018 was so traumatic for me that something in me turned on one day and KNEW that the excuses needed to end. We can only wallow for so long. Again, don’t misunderstand me, everyone is entitled to time to grieve and for some it takes a long time BUT I have to believe that the person that passed would (not in a million years) want you to live that way. Life is this ever changing thing and so much changes so fast over time and I am getting tired of being anxious or sad or unmotivated and downright lazy all of the time. I want this so much it hurts (literally and physically). So, with me putting the picture above on the internet for who knows how many people to see, you now know I am putting it all out there. There is no going back now. I want people to support my journey but I also want (yes, I know it sounds crazy) criticism and harsh words too. In order to feel happier I need to stop pleasing everyone or need everyone’s approval/care what everyone thinks about me. I want to get to a place where that is no more. It may take me the rest of my life but fuck if I am not going to try. I believe it is ok to vulnerable because when we are vulnerable we are our truest self. The problem is that seeing our truest self is probably the most terrifying thing ever. Our truest self is our most honest self. So putting my picture up there is letting you know that this is probably THE most vulnerable thing I have ever done. I am not saying that so anyone gives me a pat on the back. I am saying it because it pushes me to make this change. It makes me know that this time is different. I may fail or have setbacks but a long as I have this image and this entry then I will always have a place to come back to to remind me that its not about an ending it is about the journey. And in order for the journey to be a good one it is vital that I get my health in check so I can truly enjoy as much as possible.