I have to say I am pretty proud of myself for hanging on for a whole week with this health goal.  I can’t say this indefinitely but this time it feels like it is going to stick.  I have gone the route of the “quick fix” in the past but a this time I want to do it the right way.  I want to learn about my body throughout the journey and what seems to work best for me to maintain a healthy weight permanently and eat healthy with confidence.  I don’t want to get swayed into eating unhealthy because it is a party or holiday or whatever.  I am not blaming anyone but myself when I say that because I have proven to myself over and over again that my self-control can sometimes be out of hand.  I believe I am addicted to food and the idea of it.  That’s almost embarrassing to say but if I am going to be vulnerable and really want to succeed I have to be completely honest….even if it makes me cringe.  I want to learn how to eat to live as opposed to live to eat.  I am not looking for my body to be smooth and perfect and have perfectly tone muscles…..I am 40 and gained and lost my whole life…..that ship has sailed  I just want to have a healthy relationship with food and learn how to respond in different settings when it comes to food.  I want to feel good way more than I don’t.  I want to have energy and motivation and feel happier way more than sad or anxious or downright depressed.  2018 was a complete shit show.  I had absolutely no drive to work on myself and better myself.  I did have pretty significant things happen to me that I know played a part but I am done feeling like that all of the time.  I want to feel like I am a badass 40 year old.  I want to do active things that I never thought I could do (hiking, hard fitness classes, jog/run regularly).  I want my body to become my temple.  I need it for me to keep me sane.  There is a part of me that feels guilty when I feel good because it makes me worry that I am forgetting my mom and her importance in my life.  And I know that is stupid to think.  I know she would not at all want me to continue to feel that kind of sadness and anxiety.  It is just a hard feeling to shake.  But that is part of this journey.  I believe I need to start accepting everything I feel instead of fight all of the uncomfortable parts.  I am learning so much about how interconnected our gut is to our brain.  I had heard it but never really took it into consideration until pretty recently.  So much of the food we eat is filled with processed materials.  If you start to think about it, how can these foreign items (that are not actual food) be good for our bodies.  Now, I know me and I know I will not be able to change my lifestyle overnight but I want to keep learning and exposing myself to more information and really push myself to continually make more and more healthy/natural/organic choices.  I want to see how mu body and mind feel when I do.  Just by eating cleaner and healthier this week I can feel a difference in my energy levels and I feel happier.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I am still tired and not running any marathons anytime soon but I can tell that decreasing some of the processed crap and incorporating exercise just for a few days has made me feel happier, more confident.  I want to keep that feeling going because honestly it feels great.  I haven’t felt like that in a long time but I have been there.  I want to get back to that place and make it a permanent stay.