Wednesday December 26, 2018

So, most people start their resolutions and life changes when the actual New Year begins.  Not me…I must be the odd duck 😉  There is something in my brain that keeps shout…WHY WAIT?  I argue with myself until I force myself to finally do something about it.  I am at that point in my life at this very moment.  2018 was a total shit year.  I am normally the super positive and happy type but this past year I definitely felt the lowest of the low (even if I wasn’t always showing it).  I started to feel like I was going to feel like that from here on out and I just couldn’t let that happen.  I couldn’t just give up.  Why did I need to wait?  All I was going to do is be lazy and not put my all in for the next 6 days.  I feel this internal urge to prove to myself that I can do it.  That I can succeed.  Of course, it makes me feel good when others compliment my physical achievements but I am really doing this for me.  I have suffered with self esteem issues for as long as I can remember (and it was on overdrive this past year).  I want to do things I never ever thought I could.  I want to step really far outside of my comfort zone and show my vulnerability to others.  I constantly worry what others think and I want that feeling to stop.  With that being said, that feeling will not go away because I am uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment.  I completely believe all body sizes and shapes are beautiful.  I just don’t feel beautiful in mine at the current size I am.  I don’t feel sexy at all.  I feel most like myself when I am about 35 pounds less than this.  I have felt confident and good about myself at that size.  That size does not make me “thin” but it does make me more natural…more me.  I like the way clothes fit me but I still have curves.  I will never be “thin” with the perfectly smooth body.  It’s hard to see that in the mirror but I know I hide my body way less and feel less insecure at that size.  It feels right to me.  Maintaining that size has never worked for me though.  Hence, why I am here.  I HAVE to make significant changes if I want this to really work.  I wanted this to be my first step to showing (and being ok with) my vulnerability.  I want to be as honest here as possible so (hopefully) others join the journey with me (whether it be physically or virtually), especially women.  Media has overtaken the world and women (yes men too, I know, but being a woman I am speaking from a woman’s perspective because that is what I know…what I experience) have a brainwashed idea of what beauty is.   I am a media junkie so I am not insulting the advancement of technology…..I just think media has stopped caring about the person and only the money (I guess that goes for a lot of professions).  Beauty is so much more than just a person’s outer appearance.  This journey is about the beauty of all of inside.  Health and wellness are so more than what we weigh or what and how much we eat.  This past year has been a struggle for me and I can only sit here and take ownership for constantly feeling like shit (tired all of the time, bloated, headaches and hazy…just overall not good).  Because I felt like shit mentally, I said fuck it to everything and put no effort in.  I made endless excuses.   Yes, I had some traumatic things happen but I truly believe that nothing should take you down and keep you down.  I made the excuse that I am living with my dad so that makes healthy eating hard for many reasons.  Yes, I am ready for my own space/kitchen but what a bullshit excuse I was making.  I have found it so easy to say “I’ll start tomorrow” or “I can’t do it because”.  Those words are no longer allowed to cross my lips  Stay tuned for future posts because if you know me you know I have a lot to say and a lot of thoughts and opinions.  I promise to make it as entertaining as possible. 😉