1/4/19

So the following conversation with myself just occurred in my (overthinking as usual) head:

Me to Me: “You have eaten 3 pieces of dark chocolate today.  You have no self-control.  Once again you fail.”

Me to Me in Return: “Seriously? 3 weeks ago you were probably shoveling fast food into your face and eating any chocolate you happened to run by.  Change doesn’t happen overnight.  Think about all of the things you have changed in the last 2+ weeks.  Be happy about that.”

Me: “You have been reading in all of the books and articles the control that food and sugar has on us.  You have studied behavior for your job knowing what the right things to do are but you still have no self control.”  Arrrrgggghhhhhhh

So, I am realizing that it is so much easier for me to be hard on myself than to pat myself on the back for any  of my accomplishments.  I have struggled my whole life with my weight.  I have lost and I have gained and lost and gained and lost and….well you get the point.  I know there is a part of my anxiety and depression issues that comes right from the way I see myself.  I am so insecure in so many ways and my body and weight is a huge reason for that.  I lack confidence.  I guess I don’t lack it because it is something I never really had.  I have NEVER been able to give myself a compliment without feeling uneasy when I say it or even think about it to myself.  Yet, I am so quick to hate on myself because of my chubby thighs or unshapely arms or my slightly overlapped front teeth (I can be so hard on myself sometimes that you would think my teeth were all sorts of jacked up).  To type those words is embarrassing.  I know people tell me I don’t need to be so hard on myself.  Unfortunately, it has become a habit of mine.  But that is why I am here.  I want to break bad habits and live my life to the fullest and feel amazing while I do it.  I know not every day will be great but I want WAY more good days than bad.

This health journey (although I talk about it a lot) is about a lot more than just my weight.  I want to share it with people because #1-It helps keep me accountable  #2-I want others to read what I have written and be able to relate and know that I understand the struggle.  I hope people get something out of what I write.  In just the short time I have started this journey and started taking the plunge outside of my comfort zone I have learned a lot about myself.  By putting more natural sustenance in my body and starting to exercise again I have ALREADY felt so much better about myself.  I have started to see that even the small changes and accomplishments are HUGE!!!  I have dove into it with a passion that feels different than any time in the past.  I desperately want to lose the weight and challenge myself (sometimes to the point of almost breaking) to do things I never thought I could.  In my head I have made 100 excuses and I knew this body I am in now wouldn’t be able to handle some of the challenges.  But FUCK THAT!!!!  As quoted many times, “Life happens outside of your comfort zone.”  You have to start somewhere and start saying fuck what other people think.  I love people so much and of course I value their opinions but no-one but me lives my body to know what feels the most natural to me.  So, I want to try like hell to shrug off someone giggling at me lifting weights at the gym (well they probably aren’t but I will be worried they are<insert facepalm here>) or feeling like an asshat while running because I am slow and uncoordinated.  It is about the moments of trying like hell even if it feels awful that are the most important.  So, I must keep repeating that to myself until I truly believe it.  I want to stop the negative talk in it’s tracks.  See, I told you everyone, this brain of mine can go haywire sometimes.  I love it though because in writing I feel like I am the truest form of me.  I am completely honest and vulnerable.  Being like that in person can be a lot harder for me.  But, again, that is yet another part of my journey.  There is a part of me that would like to get recognized for my writing and for my thoughts.  I would love to publish a book.  But mind you, it is not fame I am looking for (well maybe a teeny tiny bit) but instead for other people (my first instinct was to say women but honestly this isn’t just for women) to know that this journey is not just for me.  My happiness comes from other people.  My joy comes from knowing I have helped others and have made them feel good about themselves.  I want this journey to help others if it can.  I want others to join me on the journey because I know that the power of praise and having someone believe in you is way more powerful that negative self talk.  I want to make this journey my story.  I want to have my words (published or unpublished) fall into the hands of someone or many someone’s after I am gone and know that I was someone who made an effect on this world.  As you can see, when I write I am all over the place but that is how my mind works.  I am always digging.  I am vulnerable.  I think some of you can appreciate and I am sure relate to the nonstop brain.  It is a gift and a curse.  I guess I leave today saying that what I am feeling right now is probably the happiest I have felt in a really long time.  I feel like I am getting back to the person I was and wanted to get back to so much….actually I am headed to an even better place.  I have put my journey out into cyber world for anyone to read so I am no longer alone on this journey.  What does that mean then? Excuses are going to have to be a thing of the past if I really want this because too many people have been given permission to kick my ass if they see me falling back into bad habits.  Now I remind all of you that you will a get a lot more out of me with encouragement and praise than you will if you just start giving me shit.  Just like all of my fellow behavior therapists know, praise is way more effective than punishment.  So, I ask everyone to be tough but kind.  Remind me of why I started the journey and why it is important.  I am being VERY vulnerable by asking for help from anyone willing to give it.  I have always been the person to never want to burden others with my stuff.  I was always worried I was coming off as an attention whore if I talked about myself too much.  I know saying what I am about to say is a little contradictory to everything I have been talking about but I am going to be 100% honest…..this journey will also be a big middle finger to those that ever made me feel like I wasn’t good enough….or just even just enough.  I love a good challenge and 99% of this journey is for myself,  but that teeny tiny 1% is challenged by the doubts of others.  So, here I say GAME ON!!!  This is the year that I challenge myself in ways I never have.  I have started the list of things I want to do….or at least try this year.  These are the things that I have imagined trying at some point that have perked my interest but I was too much of a chicken shit to do.  I am done missing out on things because I am afraid or worried.  I could try something I never thought I could do and absolutely love it!  Here is the list I have compiled so far:

Stepping Out of My Comfort Zone 2019 To Do List:

• Make running something I do a few times a week
• Jog/run an entire 5k
• Workout using all kinds of equipment at the gym and NOT worry about what others are thinking about me
• Go to different (hard) workout classes (hopefully find a few things I absolutely love)
• Eat as clean and natural as possible
• Hike in the mountains
• Be more assertive and take charge. Be confident!
• Stop saying yes all of the time!! Say No and be ok with it.
• Daily positive self-talk….give up the negative, whiny, depressing self-talk.
• Accept that not everyone is going to like you and not everyone is going to be your cup of tea.
• Stop complaining….or at least stop complaining when it really isn’t necessary. Stop joining in when others are complaining (I can feel that this is going to be a tough one….complaining about unnecessary shit has become too normal).
• Go paddle boarding, kayaking, jet skiing, do a ropes course (and really challenge myself), surfing (if you can see, majority of these things require a bathing suit…so now you see why they have been avoided)

I SAVED THE BIGGEST ONE FOR LAST (and I am sure I will even add more to this list but this is the biggie):

• WEAR A BIKINI BEFORE THE END OF THE SUMMER

Am I nervous about putting so much on my shoulders at once?  Of course I am but I am excited more than anything.  Bumps in the road are bound to happen but like I said before, I love challenging myself and because of that I will not stop trying EVER!!!  So much of health is interlocked and that to me is so interesting so I am choosing to go with it as far as I can. So, if you are reading this and would like to join me on this journey in any way feel free to follow my blog and share your thoughts.  This is my journey but I need lots of help and friendship along the way so really this is about more than just me.  You know how they say it takes a village to raise a child.  Well I believe we all need a village in order to be the best we can be.  At least I do.  I ask for you to challenge me if you want to or offer advice or tips if you have them.  The more I learn the better I will become.