1/5/19

I normally would never say this being so new into this journey but I am starting to already feel a difference.  I feel it physically yes but I have been feeling it so much mentally and I have needed that for quite some time.  I have needed a mental boost and changing my habits has already started to help.  I am starting to think that this blog is therapy for me.  So, I start writing about my weight and body and I start to steer in about 10 different directions as you can see…well read.

I am really starting to see and feel how much our physical self and mental self are connected and how much they both affect each other.  I have dealt with anxiety and depression issues since I was seventeen years old…actually I was an anxious little kid (still not entirely sure why-that is a whole different entry itself).  Some of this is genetic while other parts of it are completely environmental and internal.  This past year was a breaking point for me.  On the morning of January 28^th my ex and I laid on the floor of my living room (I was going to be moving out the next day) just waking up.  He was acting strange so I asked him what was wrong.  I pressed him to tell me.  He had been back and forth about moving out of the area and I knew it was ultimately coming but I guess I just hadn’t really taken it that seriously.  To make a very long story short, he thought it was best if we took a break.  We both cried a lot.  He was going to leave that day and come back that night to spend my last night there with me.  He wanted us to still be friends but take some time a part so he could figure out what he was going to do (he was definitely not settled in life at all).  I cried on and off all day.  I thought about calling my mom but I didn’t want to bother her with it because just the day before I was a complete moody bitch to her (I called her back later in the day to say I was sorry and we talked for quite a while).  So, the day went on and my ex came back.  We played cards and just hung out (basically avoiding talking about anything).  Around 11:30pm my phone started ringing and it was my parents home phone.  I immediately knew something was wrong.  My ex told me not to assume anything but I knew what was coming.  My mom was on her way to the hospital (my mom had open heart surgery 8 months prior and had been in and out of the emergency room over the 6 months she had been home (she spent 2 months in the ICU and in cardiac rehab).  My dad told me that this time it really didn’t look good.  My ex and I rushed up to the hospital and my dad met us there.  My dad and I were called back and we thought we were heading into the emergency room but they asked us to go into the consultation room.  I knew what was happening.  I wanted to believe it wasn’t true but I knew.  My dad and I sat in that room for about 15 minutes before anyone came in.  We tried to keep it light and simple and I said they may not have wanted us to be exposed to the flu (there were tons of people there with it).  After what felt like a lifetime, the doctor came in and to be honest I am not sure exactly what he said.  The only words I absorbed were, “I was unable to revive her.”  I immediately dropped to my knees and sobbed.  Also, my ex was not with me at this time.  He stayed in my car to avoid being around sick people.  I remember feeling that the doctor was very cold and really didn’t care about my mother dying.  After that night I have wondered many times how hard the really worked on her to save her.  It is a moot point I know because it won’t change the outcome but it has something that has been sitting with me.  So, in less than 24 hours (hell less than 15 hours) my boyfriend broke up with me (he had become my best friend over the 8 months we were together) and I lost the person that gave me life.  My mom was the only person in this world that I felt I could be completely myself with.  She knew me inside and out and loved me unconditionally.  My mom was my best friend and my hero among many other things.  I had hit the lowest point of my life in less than one day .  I know it was all building up to it because during the 2 months my mom was in the hospital I was traveling between 150-200 miles almost daily to see her (she went to a hospital about 1.5 hours away to have her surgery) and I saw my mom in a way I never wanted to see her.  She spent several days sedated with a breathing tube down her throat.  Her kidneys stopped functioning and she had to go on dialysis.  Her lungs weren’t functioning properly and her whole body was swollen.  She made it out of ICU for a brief time and took a very bad fall and had a huge baseball sized knot on her head and you can’t even imagine the bruises.  The 2 months she was in the hospital were pure hell.   My mom had moments of delirium and she talked a lot of nonsense.  She wasn’t the mom I knew my whole life.  I worried nonstop for 2 months.  I was exhausted both physically and emotionally.  I was terrified.  So, as you can see I was already in a fragile state.  The 6 months after she got out of the hospital were just chaos (that is the only way I can describe it).  My life was in a state I was not prepared for.

Over the last 12-15 months I completely lost myself.  I struggled harder than I ever have.  I lost all motivation and ambition and I just went through the motions of day to day life.  I smiled and laughed throughout the days and of course I enjoyed a great deal of the company I was with but I was really sad.  I was completely mentally fucked.  I let my body go because I just stopped caring.  I hated how I looked.  I blamed myself for arguing with my mom the day before she died.  I basically shut down.  I tried on and off to get myself out of this hole but I just couldn’t…until recently that is.  One day close to January 1^st (I can’t remember the exact date) for shits and giggles I picked up a notebook and decided to write resolutions and goals for 2019.  I wanted to get out of this sad place.  So, I took the bull by the horns that day and started pushing myself.  I started to read again and started doing all of those things that I love but had abandoned.  It has felt great.  I still have moments that feel tough and there is a part of me that feels guilty for feeling happy because it scares me thinking I am forgetting my mom.

People have always said that losing a parent (or someone you are very close to) changes you.  I knew it but I never expected it to be such a big, significant change.  With that being said, my mom would not want me to want to walk around in a fog or be consumed with anxiety day in and day out.  She is a huge push in this journey.  My mom was always my biggest cheerleader and I loved her so much for that.   She made me feel so loved and so incredibly important.  There was no better feeling to me than making my mom proud.  So, I am done being sad everyday and letting the negative/depressed/anxious feelings own me.  I still want to do things that I know would make my mom proud.  My mom could feel every emotion of mine.  She is the person that has made me truly understand empathy.  My mom may not have always understood why I did certain things that I did and I could drive her nuts but it didn’t matter.  What she cared about the most was me being happy.  It broke her when I wasn’t happy or when I was hurting.  So I am done being unhappy all of the time.

This is all part of my journey.  To discover more and more about myself, to challenge myself and to experience as much as I possibly can in this life.  So, on this journey some days will be about my physical health and the eating and exercise aspect but other days will be about different parts of my health and wellness journey.  I am excited to try new things and push myself in ways I never have before.  This journey is discovering so many things that bring me happiness and sharing it with the world.  My journey is to start living for me and finally unchain myself from others opinions of me.  This journal is to honor my mom but to also honor me.  There are so many good things around me and I want to focus on those things.  I guess there is some truth in “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. 😉