I sometimes have these beautiful visions. These beautiful visions of art surrounding me throughout every inch of my life. I do not feel like I am the traditional wedding/marriage type but once in a while I picture these scenes in my head that overwhelms my senses. I have this undying desire to do for others and to show my love and I want to paint pictures with words for those people. If I were to ever take vows with someone I would want words of love painted on every wall. I wish I could put into words the feeling of passion I have running though my veins. The desire to help those that so desperately need it and the desire to tell people how beautiful they are is what drives me every day. I don’t desire things in hope for praise. I desire these things because for all of my life I never saw my own beauty. I tore myself down for not being pretty enough or thin enough or smart enough. I always labelled myself as being second best or not really worthy of all of the things that other girls my age were worthy of. Because of feeling this way throughout the majority of my life I started fighting for others. I saw myself in other girls and I couldn’t stand the thought of them feeling the same worthlessness that I felt.
Even in the most average looking person I am able to see beauty. Beauty is this concept that has been so sadly distorted by society and I cannot allow myself to be brainwashed to believe that beauty is simply external. I want to root for the underdog. I am not a victim. My self-loathing growing up was my choice but society helped to push me over the edge. It took me into my early 30’s to really learn and understand that what we believe is our choice. I grew so tired of picking apart every little thing about me and trying to fit the molds of what I thought everyone wanted me to be. I am a woman and a part of me believes it is built into our DNA to be insecure in some way or another but as I have grown older I have learned to accept myself and to hold onto everything that I am and stop focusing on everything that I am not. My time is so limited that I don’t want it spent on self-criticism and worry about what others think about me. The people that truly love me will love me for my perfect imperfections. Accepting oneself may be the hardest thing in the world because we have society screaming in our face day in and day out telling us how we have to look, act, eat and breathe. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the chaos and start believing what the masses are telling you. What I needed to keep reminding myself of is that the masses are usually fighting for the all-mighty dollar and have no genuine interest or care in what we look like or who we are. Their intentions are superficial. I love who I have become because sincerity is what is in my heart. I will make mistakes and say and do the wrong things but my intentions are always genuine. It is the happiness and well-being of others that keeps me trekking through each and every day. Many times over I have wished I could take away the pain of others because their sadness or illness made my heart-ache.
I refuse to be an excuse-maker anymore. I hear people validate their lives through excuses every single day and I cannot be one of those people anymore. I am responsible for my past, my present and my future and I am no longer a confused, young girl. I am a woman that has lived and learned and I have been taught by those that have struggled in ways that to me are unimaginable. I have learned what is truly important in life by those that may have little or no words. I have learned how easy and carefree my life is and those that society have deemed to be so different have guided me into a world that has made me not just see the big picture but to also see the details in the picture….the details that go unnoticed by many. I believe I am one of the lucky ones in life. I am not a religious person but there is something in me that I feel….it is so hard to explain. I can experience something that to someone may be a happy moment but to me it is a moment of inspiration…a moment or compassion…a moment of empathy. I live my life in moments that never go unrecognized….they simply go unspoken of because most of the time I don’t have the words. I rarely can explain to people what I am truly feeling. It can make me feel crazy sometimes but I also know it is the most genuine and unique thing about me. Even when my heart hurts I feel and understand love (I believe) more than many others could even imagine. Love and passion for me go hand in hand because I truly believe you can’t have one without the other. Passion seeps out of my pores in everything I do….even in moments of vulnerability or loneliness. I am an art form. I am passion and I am love. Even through the most painful times in life I have fallen more and more in love with myself because I have learned to be genuine to who I really am. I have become accepting of my past, present and future mistakes because they are going to happen no matter what. I don’t live in these moments I now learn from these moments and I want to influence others to do the same thing because even the cruelest of people has beauty hidden within them.