It's a New Day…

1/17/19

It has been a minute since I sat down to write about my health journey or really to write about anything at all.  The thoughts have all been there but the sitting down and doing it part has not.  So here I am.  I am about 3 weeks in and honestly I am really starting to feel good.  Today was such a good day.  Everything about it was good.  The adults I work with were awesome, my coworkers were so fun, the ABA kiddos were so fun to be around.  My day had such a positive energy in it.  Ok, yes I am getting all crunchy hippie on you but since eating cleaner and incorporating exercise I have felt myself become happier and feel better.  I have been reading a ton and learning about all of the unnatural things we put into our bodies and it is sticking in my brain.  I have actively been pushing the negative thoughts that come so naturally to me.  Because I am feeling better physically,  I am starting to feel better mentally.  I feel stronger in both ways.  Since I was a young girl I struggled with how I look.  I have struggled with body image.  I have had a specific idea of what the ideal woman should look like.  I have finally come to realize that I have allowed myself to be brainwashed to believe what beauty is.  I realize it is not hard to do these days with the media throwing it in our faces day in and day out.  I know that advertisements and shows nowadays are starting to feature women of all shapes and sizes and that is soooooo amazing but I didn’t grow up seeing this.  My brain has already learned what “beauty” really is and that is thin with nothing sagging.  I need to unlearn this.  I need to teach myself that beauty is so much more than what is on the surface.  I know my confidence is getting better because tonight I thought about myself and realized my personality and the way I care about people makes me more beautiful than anything on the outside.  It just takes the right people to see that.  There will always be people out there that will judge me based on my body shape, size, whatever and that is ok.  Beauty goes so far beyond how we look.  If a hot guy is a dick I have absolutely no interest in knowing him or spending any time with him.  So, it hit me tonight that looks are such a superficial thing.  It is really about how you feel.  Don’t get me wrong, I like to do my hair and put makeup on and get dressed up from time to time but that is because it makes me feel good.  It makes me feel more confident.  I won’t always be dolled up (hell I am not more than I am) but the right people will still think I am beautiful because they know I am a good person (a little wacky from time to time but ultimately I am a genuinely good hearted person that loves to do for others).  I guess the moral of that long rant is that I feel really good.  I feel like this is going to be IT.  This is not going to be another quick fix with my weight yo yoing up and down.  I am going to get healthy.  I am going to treat my body like it is a temple.  I want to push myself harder than I ever have because I know what the ultimate reward is.  I have weighed about 25 lbs less than where I am now and that is about the weight when I feel most comfortable in my own skin.  For me it seems the most natural and realistic for my height and shape.  So my ultimate goal is to get there and stay there.

1/6/19

Today I worked out the hardest I probably have in a very long time.  I am pushing myself!  Luckily, on this adventure I am joined by my friend Jenna.  Some of you that read this will know Jenna while many others will not.  Jenna is a very fit woman with all of the right curves in all of the right places (hope that didn’t sound too weird haha).  She has the ideal body shape (at least in my opinion).  I cannot lie, when I first met Jenna and for a very long time I did have a twinge of jealousy when it came to her.  I thought to myself many times that she is every mans dream woman.  Jenna isn’t just fit she is also very pretty.  Jenna could be intimidating to many women.  She was for me when I first met her.  Jenna and I have known each other for probably over 4 years and we have become friends…I would like to think good friends.  I chose to ask Jenna for help in the gym because Jenna has worked SO hard to get to the place she is at now.  Jenna struggled with her weight and size in the past and obviously one day the lightbulb clicked and she decided to change her lifestyle.  She isn’t intimidating to me anymore because she inspires me.  She may not have ever been my size but she knows what it is like to struggle with body image.  She looks amazing for all of the work she has put in but I know she is STILL insecure about certain things.  I also know that her confidence has increased tremendously when she made the healthy changes.  She is proud of her body but she doesn’t EVER act cocky or better than other women.  Once you get to know Jenna you quickly learn that she is someone you want by your side.  While working out with me these last two days she has encouraged me and pushed me.  Several times she told me how good I was doing (and I know she genuinely meant it).    She didn’t overdo it because she knows that it is a process.  She has gone through hell to get to where she is at now.  She knows that you can’t go hardcore right out of the gate because you are more apt to fall off the wagon.  Jenna is strong.  She can workout hard at the gym.  Her regular workouts are way more intense than mine (well at least for now 😉) and she spent the last 2 days “training” me and showing me stuff on the machines and explaining things to me.  I kept thinking to myself, “I hate that her workouts the last 2 days have been weak in comparison to her usual because of me.”  I had to stop those thoughts though because I knew (because I know how Jenna is) she was loving helping me.  I had to stop the automatic habit of assuming the worst about what people are thinking about me.  She is excited for my journey and I am sure that she would feel great knowing that she was a big contributor to my current and future successes.  Jenna is amazing!  She should be duplicated for anyone looking for a workout buddy.  Actually, the world just needs more Jenna’s in the world in general (I couldn’t help myself Jenna 😉  I knew you would be reading this).  I don’t write these words to kiss Jenna’s ass and put her up on a pedestal.  I write these words to let her know she is greatly appreciated.  This may sound over the top but Jenna helped save me this pay year and a half.  I was falling hard and I was getting worried that I was not going to be able to get out of the funk.  Jenna never told me how I should feel or what I needed to do.  She just always showed me and told me about what she is doing that has made her feel better.  She has always supported me with no judgment because Jenna knows that sometimes life is just fucking hard and you just stop trying (hopefully not long term though).    I think, as people living in this crazy world, we have become uncomfortable telling people the good things about them for fear of it being misinterpreted.  But I am telling…everyone fuck that!  If there is something you like about someone tell them that.  Give people compliments and be honest with them.  Stop fearing what everyone will think.  So Jenna, I think you are awesome!  I value you so much as a person.  Thank you, not only for what you are doing to help me but for helping SO many people.  You are such a selfless person and for that I thank you.  And to all of my readers, just trust me when I say…get a good workout partner (someone you mesh well with) and you will feel an even higher level of empowered and driven.  The right workout partner will encourage you and support you.  Find that person for you if you can.  If you can’t, feel free to drop by here if you are needing words of encouragement or just someone to relate to.  I am always happy to help others with encouragement if I can.

I wasn’t quite sure where I was going to originally go with this entry.  I don’t want to bore people and just say what I did step by step at the gym.  I want people to be intrigued and interested and I want people to share their thoughts and ideas about what direction I should steer from day to day.  I want people to join me on this journey to teach me.  I want people to teach me and show me all of their healthy choices in life that make them feel their best.  But I also want people to reveal their struggles.  I want whoever reads this to know they are not on their own when it comes to struggling with the way you look and feel about yourself.  I am feeling amazing at this very moment.  I am sore from working out but it is that kind of sore that makes you feel accomplished and proud of the work you put in.  I am learning so much and I want this drive and motivation to continue.  I want people to expose me to their world when it comes to health and wellness both mentally and physically.  Share with me what you do when you feel like you are slipping or you are struggling with negative self-talk or lack of motivation.  Challenge me with things you think I should try or talk about.  I ask everyone to go gentle….I talked about this in a previous entry but in case you don’t remember, I am always way more successful when people encourage me and praise me as opposed to yelling at me and degrading me.  I believe in tough but kind.  I have a lot to talk about and I want to gain many different viewpoints.  I want my mind and body challenged.  I want to re-train my brain to stop tearing myself apart and focus on everything I am doing well.  I want to actively stop those thoughts in their tracks.  This year is the year to start living exactly how I have wanted to live and to try things I have only daydreamed about.  This is the year I become (or at least make a significant improvement) more confident.  This is the year I live for me and not for everyone else.  I will embrace and value all of the important people in my life but I will not depend on their approval for my own happiness.  It is ok to not agree on everything with people…even the people you are closest to.  Those that truly care about you wouldn’t want you to seek their approval.  They want you to live as openly and honestly (and of course happy) as possible.  I will keep learning and repeating, “Not everyone is going to like you or like certain things you do and that is ok.”  This year I want to start the voyage to being the person I have held back on becoming.  I want to live life to the fullest feeling healthy both physically and mentally.  I want this journey to help me become more open and honest and face and conquer the uncomfortable parts in life….because I know you need to experience pain to truly understand pleasure.  Everyday will not be perfect and that is ok.  I want to tell the world more about me and expose myself in a way I never have by being brutally honest.  I hope more people join me along this journey because I want to be challenged and I can only challenge myself so much.  And I do hope that I can inspire others along the way.

1/5/19

I normally would never say this being so new into this journey but I am starting to already feel a difference.  I feel it physically yes but I have been feeling it so much mentally and I have needed that for quite some time.  I have needed a mental boost and changing my habits has already started to help.  I am starting to think that this blog is therapy for me.  So, I start writing about my weight and body and I start to steer in about 10 different directions as you can see…well read.

I am really starting to see and feel how much our physical self and mental self are connected and how much they both affect each other.  I have dealt with anxiety and depression issues since I was seventeen years old…actually I was an anxious little kid (still not entirely sure why-that is a whole different entry itself).  Some of this is genetic while other parts of it are completely environmental and internal.  This past year was a breaking point for me.  On the morning of January 28^th my ex and I laid on the floor of my living room (I was going to be moving out the next day) just waking up.  He was acting strange so I asked him what was wrong.  I pressed him to tell me.  He had been back and forth about moving out of the area and I knew it was ultimately coming but I guess I just hadn’t really taken it that seriously.  To make a very long story short, he thought it was best if we took a break.  We both cried a lot.  He was going to leave that day and come back that night to spend my last night there with me.  He wanted us to still be friends but take some time a part so he could figure out what he was going to do (he was definitely not settled in life at all).  I cried on and off all day.  I thought about calling my mom but I didn’t want to bother her with it because just the day before I was a complete moody bitch to her (I called her back later in the day to say I was sorry and we talked for quite a while).  So, the day went on and my ex came back.  We played cards and just hung out (basically avoiding talking about anything).  Around 11:30pm my phone started ringing and it was my parents home phone.  I immediately knew something was wrong.  My ex told me not to assume anything but I knew what was coming.  My mom was on her way to the hospital (my mom had open heart surgery 8 months prior and had been in and out of the emergency room over the 6 months she had been home (she spent 2 months in the ICU and in cardiac rehab).  My dad told me that this time it really didn’t look good.  My ex and I rushed up to the hospital and my dad met us there.  My dad and I were called back and we thought we were heading into the emergency room but they asked us to go into the consultation room.  I knew what was happening.  I wanted to believe it wasn’t true but I knew.  My dad and I sat in that room for about 15 minutes before anyone came in.  We tried to keep it light and simple and I said they may not have wanted us to be exposed to the flu (there were tons of people there with it).  After what felt like a lifetime, the doctor came in and to be honest I am not sure exactly what he said.  The only words I absorbed were, “I was unable to revive her.”  I immediately dropped to my knees and sobbed.  Also, my ex was not with me at this time.  He stayed in my car to avoid being around sick people.  I remember feeling that the doctor was very cold and really didn’t care about my mother dying.  After that night I have wondered many times how hard the really worked on her to save her.  It is a moot point I know because it won’t change the outcome but it has something that has been sitting with me.  So, in less than 24 hours (hell less than 15 hours) my boyfriend broke up with me (he had become my best friend over the 8 months we were together) and I lost the person that gave me life.  My mom was the only person in this world that I felt I could be completely myself with.  She knew me inside and out and loved me unconditionally.  My mom was my best friend and my hero among many other things.  I had hit the lowest point of my life in less than one day .  I know it was all building up to it because during the 2 months my mom was in the hospital I was traveling between 150-200 miles almost daily to see her (she went to a hospital about 1.5 hours away to have her surgery) and I saw my mom in a way I never wanted to see her.  She spent several days sedated with a breathing tube down her throat.  Her kidneys stopped functioning and she had to go on dialysis.  Her lungs weren’t functioning properly and her whole body was swollen.  She made it out of ICU for a brief time and took a very bad fall and had a huge baseball sized knot on her head and you can’t even imagine the bruises.  The 2 months she was in the hospital were pure hell.   My mom had moments of delirium and she talked a lot of nonsense.  She wasn’t the mom I knew my whole life.  I worried nonstop for 2 months.  I was exhausted both physically and emotionally.  I was terrified.  So, as you can see I was already in a fragile state.  The 6 months after she got out of the hospital were just chaos (that is the only way I can describe it).  My life was in a state I was not prepared for.

Over the last 12-15 months I completely lost myself.  I struggled harder than I ever have.  I lost all motivation and ambition and I just went through the motions of day to day life.  I smiled and laughed throughout the days and of course I enjoyed a great deal of the company I was with but I was really sad.  I was completely mentally fucked.  I let my body go because I just stopped caring.  I hated how I looked.  I blamed myself for arguing with my mom the day before she died.  I basically shut down.  I tried on and off to get myself out of this hole but I just couldn’t…until recently that is.  One day close to January 1^st (I can’t remember the exact date) for shits and giggles I picked up a notebook and decided to write resolutions and goals for 2019.  I wanted to get out of this sad place.  So, I took the bull by the horns that day and started pushing myself.  I started to read again and started doing all of those things that I love but had abandoned.  It has felt great.  I still have moments that feel tough and there is a part of me that feels guilty for feeling happy because it scares me thinking I am forgetting my mom.

People have always said that losing a parent (or someone you are very close to) changes you.  I knew it but I never expected it to be such a big, significant change.  With that being said, my mom would not want me to want to walk around in a fog or be consumed with anxiety day in and day out.  She is a huge push in this journey.  My mom was always my biggest cheerleader and I loved her so much for that.   She made me feel so loved and so incredibly important.  There was no better feeling to me than making my mom proud.  So, I am done being sad everyday and letting the negative/depressed/anxious feelings own me.  I still want to do things that I know would make my mom proud.  My mom could feel every emotion of mine.  She is the person that has made me truly understand empathy.  My mom may not have always understood why I did certain things that I did and I could drive her nuts but it didn’t matter.  What she cared about the most was me being happy.  It broke her when I wasn’t happy or when I was hurting.  So I am done being unhappy all of the time.

This is all part of my journey.  To discover more and more about myself, to challenge myself and to experience as much as I possibly can in this life.  So, on this journey some days will be about my physical health and the eating and exercise aspect but other days will be about different parts of my health and wellness journey.  I am excited to try new things and push myself in ways I never have before.  This journey is discovering so many things that bring me happiness and sharing it with the world.  My journey is to start living for me and finally unchain myself from others opinions of me.  This journal is to honor my mom but to also honor me.  There are so many good things around me and I want to focus on those things.  I guess there is some truth in “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. 😉

1/4/19

So the following conversation with myself just occurred in my (overthinking as usual) head:

Me to Me: “You have eaten 3 pieces of dark chocolate today.  You have no self-control.  Once again you fail.”

Me to Me in Return: “Seriously? 3 weeks ago you were probably shoveling fast food into your face and eating any chocolate you happened to run by.  Change doesn’t happen overnight.  Think about all of the things you have changed in the last 2+ weeks.  Be happy about that.”

Me: “You have been reading in all of the books and articles the control that food and sugar has on us.  You have studied behavior for your job knowing what the right things to do are but you still have no self control.”  Arrrrgggghhhhhhh

So, I am realizing that it is so much easier for me to be hard on myself than to pat myself on the back for any  of my accomplishments.  I have struggled my whole life with my weight.  I have lost and I have gained and lost and gained and lost and….well you get the point.  I know there is a part of my anxiety and depression issues that comes right from the way I see myself.  I am so insecure in so many ways and my body and weight is a huge reason for that.  I lack confidence.  I guess I don’t lack it because it is something I never really had.  I have NEVER been able to give myself a compliment without feeling uneasy when I say it or even think about it to myself.  Yet, I am so quick to hate on myself because of my chubby thighs or unshapely arms or my slightly overlapped front teeth (I can be so hard on myself sometimes that you would think my teeth were all sorts of jacked up).  To type those words is embarrassing.  I know people tell me I don’t need to be so hard on myself.  Unfortunately, it has become a habit of mine.  But that is why I am here.  I want to break bad habits and live my life to the fullest and feel amazing while I do it.  I know not every day will be great but I want WAY more good days than bad.

This health journey (although I talk about it a lot) is about a lot more than just my weight.  I want to share it with people because #1-It helps keep me accountable  #2-I want others to read what I have written and be able to relate and know that I understand the struggle.  I hope people get something out of what I write.  In just the short time I have started this journey and started taking the plunge outside of my comfort zone I have learned a lot about myself.  By putting more natural sustenance in my body and starting to exercise again I have ALREADY felt so much better about myself.  I have started to see that even the small changes and accomplishments are HUGE!!!  I have dove into it with a passion that feels different than any time in the past.  I desperately want to lose the weight and challenge myself (sometimes to the point of almost breaking) to do things I never thought I could.  In my head I have made 100 excuses and I knew this body I am in now wouldn’t be able to handle some of the challenges.  But FUCK THAT!!!!  As quoted many times, “Life happens outside of your comfort zone.”  You have to start somewhere and start saying fuck what other people think.  I love people so much and of course I value their opinions but no-one but me lives my body to know what feels the most natural to me.  So, I want to try like hell to shrug off someone giggling at me lifting weights at the gym (well they probably aren’t but I will be worried they are<insert facepalm here>) or feeling like an asshat while running because I am slow and uncoordinated.  It is about the moments of trying like hell even if it feels awful that are the most important.  So, I must keep repeating that to myself until I truly believe it.  I want to stop the negative talk in it’s tracks.  See, I told you everyone, this brain of mine can go haywire sometimes.  I love it though because in writing I feel like I am the truest form of me.  I am completely honest and vulnerable.  Being like that in person can be a lot harder for me.  But, again, that is yet another part of my journey.  There is a part of me that would like to get recognized for my writing and for my thoughts.  I would love to publish a book.  But mind you, it is not fame I am looking for (well maybe a teeny tiny bit) but instead for other people (my first instinct was to say women but honestly this isn’t just for women) to know that this journey is not just for me.  My happiness comes from other people.  My joy comes from knowing I have helped others and have made them feel good about themselves.  I want this journey to help others if it can.  I want others to join me on the journey because I know that the power of praise and having someone believe in you is way more powerful that negative self talk.  I want to make this journey my story.  I want to have my words (published or unpublished) fall into the hands of someone or many someone’s after I am gone and know that I was someone who made an effect on this world.  As you can see, when I write I am all over the place but that is how my mind works.  I am always digging.  I am vulnerable.  I think some of you can appreciate and I am sure relate to the nonstop brain.  It is a gift and a curse.  I guess I leave today saying that what I am feeling right now is probably the happiest I have felt in a really long time.  I feel like I am getting back to the person I was and wanted to get back to so much….actually I am headed to an even better place.  I have put my journey out into cyber world for anyone to read so I am no longer alone on this journey.  What does that mean then? Excuses are going to have to be a thing of the past if I really want this because too many people have been given permission to kick my ass if they see me falling back into bad habits.  Now I remind all of you that you will a get a lot more out of me with encouragement and praise than you will if you just start giving me shit.  Just like all of my fellow behavior therapists know, praise is way more effective than punishment.  So, I ask everyone to be tough but kind.  Remind me of why I started the journey and why it is important.  I am being VERY vulnerable by asking for help from anyone willing to give it.  I have always been the person to never want to burden others with my stuff.  I was always worried I was coming off as an attention whore if I talked about myself too much.  I know saying what I am about to say is a little contradictory to everything I have been talking about but I am going to be 100% honest…..this journey will also be a big middle finger to those that ever made me feel like I wasn’t good enough….or just even just enough.  I love a good challenge and 99% of this journey is for myself,  but that teeny tiny 1% is challenged by the doubts of others.  So, here I say GAME ON!!!  This is the year that I challenge myself in ways I never have.  I have started the list of things I want to do….or at least try this year.  These are the things that I have imagined trying at some point that have perked my interest but I was too much of a chicken shit to do.  I am done missing out on things because I am afraid or worried.  I could try something I never thought I could do and absolutely love it!  Here is the list I have compiled so far:

Stepping Out of My Comfort Zone 2019 To Do List:

• Make running something I do a few times a week
• Jog/run an entire 5k
• Workout using all kinds of equipment at the gym and NOT worry about what others are thinking about me
• Go to different (hard) workout classes (hopefully find a few things I absolutely love)
• Eat as clean and natural as possible
• Hike in the mountains
• Be more assertive and take charge. Be confident!
• Stop saying yes all of the time!! Say No and be ok with it.
• Daily positive self-talk….give up the negative, whiny, depressing self-talk.
• Accept that not everyone is going to like you and not everyone is going to be your cup of tea.
• Stop complaining….or at least stop complaining when it really isn’t necessary. Stop joining in when others are complaining (I can feel that this is going to be a tough one….complaining about unnecessary shit has become too normal).
• Go paddle boarding, kayaking, jet skiing, do a ropes course (and really challenge myself), surfing (if you can see, majority of these things require a bathing suit…so now you see why they have been avoided)

I SAVED THE BIGGEST ONE FOR LAST (and I am sure I will even add more to this list but this is the biggie):

• WEAR A BIKINI BEFORE THE END OF THE SUMMER

Am I nervous about putting so much on my shoulders at once?  Of course I am but I am excited more than anything.  Bumps in the road are bound to happen but like I said before, I love challenging myself and because of that I will not stop trying EVER!!!  So much of health is interlocked and that to me is so interesting so I am choosing to go with it as far as I can. So, if you are reading this and would like to join me on this journey in any way feel free to follow my blog and share your thoughts.  This is my journey but I need lots of help and friendship along the way so really this is about more than just me.  You know how they say it takes a village to raise a child.  Well I believe we all need a village in order to be the best we can be.  At least I do.  I ask for you to challenge me if you want to or offer advice or tips if you have them.  The more I learn the better I will become.

1/3/19

Today this journey felt hard.  My body is feeling the wrath of my workouts  (I still need to start lifting weights and jump out of my cardio comfort zone) and I wanted to eat endless amounts of chocolate allll day.  I indulged in a couple of pieces of dark chocolate but deep down I wanted to be laying underneath a chocolate fountain surrounded by brownies and cupcakes.  But alas, I did not give into the craving because I know it is simply my addicted brain playing tricks on me.  I need to form positive habits (going to the gym regularly, regulating my social media times, going to bed at a reasonable hour every night) but I also want to get in the habit of telling myself that when I crave the sweets it is the triggers in my brain doing this.  I do not NEED chocolate or sweets.  I can get sweetness from other sources that are so much less taxing on the body.  Some people may think my thinking is extreme and I am setting myself up for failure because I am limiting myself but come the end of the day I am an all or nothing kind of person….especially when I feel passionate about something.  I will push myself more and more even if it feels awful.  (Processed) Sugar is the devil and I know this.  I am not saying I won’t ever slip.  I am almost sure I will but I want to try like hell to rewire my brain to crave healthier items and to just make that my normal.  I want to get to the place where I just overlook sweets.  I want to finish a meal and not even think I need something sweet…..or at least something unnaturally sweet.

My thoughts today haven’t been super clear and I am beat tired.  Working out has been awesome but sleeping at night has been a little altered because of it.  I think I am still on a workout high when I go to bed so it takes me forever to fall asleep.  Plus I am not even in my own bed (I am dog/house sitting for a friend) so there is another factor there.  Since my thoughts are kind of blurry I am going to leave this one short but brainstorm about what I want to write about over the weekend.  Make sure to tune in 😊

INSERT FACE PALM ALONG WITH HEAD SHAKE RIGHT HERE!!!

So this just may be the hardest entry in this entire health journey to post.  I look at the picture above and all I feel is internal rage!!  Its embarrassing!  It makes me want to crawl under a rock.  I have become more of an introvert over the years.  I am starting to see that I was an introvert because I was embarrassed of my body.  I have not felt confident in quite some time.  I sit here and I want to cry thinking about it all.  I know I am nowhere near the size I once was.  I see my natural curves and I can look at my body and see the potential for change.  Look at my hour glad figure.  If I can push myself to get fit in all of the right places I would be total sexy curvy.  My skin will not be super smooth but being in my bra and undies or even in a bathing suit I KNOW I wouldn’t feel anywhere near as uncomfortable as I do now.  My weight and my body have been the main source of my mental health issues throughout the years.  I, hands down, know this.  I am so consumed with how I look, what I eat and how much exercise I get on a day to day basis that it has affected my life significantly.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing job and friends and so many great things that bring me joy, but I know that my life does not have the happiness it could because of how obsessed I am with this.  I lack any kind of confidence.  I am ashamed.  BUT I am not giving up.  I have been up and down with my weight for as long as I can remember.  And never do I remember a time when I wasn’t struggling with my weight or what size I was.  Athletic stuff never came naturally to me.  I have not felt comfortable in my own skin but only maybe a handful (possibly less) of times in my life.  I think that 2018 was so traumatic for me that something in me turned on one day and KNEW that the excuses needed to end.  We can only wallow for so long.  Again, don’t misunderstand me, everyone is entitled to time to grieve and for some it takes a long time BUT I have to believe that the person that passed would (not in a million years) want you to live that way.  Life is this ever changing thing and so much changes so fast over time and I am getting tired of being anxious or sad or unmotivated and downright lazy all of the time.  I want this so much it hurts (literally and physically).  So, with me putting the picture above on the internet for who knows how many people to see, you now know I am putting it all out there.  There is no going back now.  I want people to support my journey but I also want (yes, I know it sounds crazy) criticism and harsh words too.  In order to feel happier I need to stop pleasing everyone or need everyone’s approval/care what everyone thinks about me.  I want to get to a place where that is no more.  It may take me the rest of my life but fuck if I am not going to try.  I believe it is ok to vulnerable because when we are vulnerable we are our truest self.  The problem is that seeing our truest self is probably the most terrifying thing ever.  Our truest self is our most honest self.  So putting my picture up there is letting you know that this is probably THE most vulnerable thing I have ever done.  I am not saying that so anyone gives me a pat on the back.  I am saying it because it pushes me to make this change.  It makes me know that this time is different.  I may fail or have setbacks but a long as I have this image and this entry then I will always have a place to come back to to remind me that its not about an ending it is about the journey.  And in order for the journey to be a good one it is vital that I get my health in check so I can truly enjoy as much as possible.

I have to say I am pretty proud of myself for hanging on for a whole week with this health goal.  I can’t say this indefinitely but this time it feels like it is going to stick.  I have gone the route of the “quick fix” in the past but a this time I want to do it the right way.  I want to learn about my body throughout the journey and what seems to work best for me to maintain a healthy weight permanently and eat healthy with confidence.  I don’t want to get swayed into eating unhealthy because it is a party or holiday or whatever.  I am not blaming anyone but myself when I say that because I have proven to myself over and over again that my self-control can sometimes be out of hand.  I believe I am addicted to food and the idea of it.  That’s almost embarrassing to say but if I am going to be vulnerable and really want to succeed I have to be completely honest….even if it makes me cringe.  I want to learn how to eat to live as opposed to live to eat.  I am not looking for my body to be smooth and perfect and have perfectly tone muscles…..I am 40 and gained and lost my whole life…..that ship has sailed  I just want to have a healthy relationship with food and learn how to respond in different settings when it comes to food.  I want to feel good way more than I don’t.  I want to have energy and motivation and feel happier way more than sad or anxious or downright depressed.  2018 was a complete shit show.  I had absolutely no drive to work on myself and better myself.  I did have pretty significant things happen to me that I know played a part but I am done feeling like that all of the time.  I want to feel like I am a badass 40 year old.  I want to do active things that I never thought I could do (hiking, hard fitness classes, jog/run regularly).  I want my body to become my temple.  I need it for me to keep me sane.  There is a part of me that feels guilty when I feel good because it makes me worry that I am forgetting my mom and her importance in my life.  And I know that is stupid to think.  I know she would not at all want me to continue to feel that kind of sadness and anxiety.  It is just a hard feeling to shake.  But that is part of this journey.  I believe I need to start accepting everything I feel instead of fight all of the uncomfortable parts.  I am learning so much about how interconnected our gut is to our brain.  I had heard it but never really took it into consideration until pretty recently.  So much of the food we eat is filled with processed materials.  If you start to think about it, how can these foreign items (that are not actual food) be good for our bodies.  Now, I know me and I know I will not be able to change my lifestyle overnight but I want to keep learning and exposing myself to more information and really push myself to continually make more and more healthy/natural/organic choices.  I want to see how mu body and mind feel when I do.  Just by eating cleaner and healthier this week I can feel a difference in my energy levels and I feel happier.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I am still tired and not running any marathons anytime soon but I can tell that decreasing some of the processed crap and incorporating exercise just for a few days has made me feel happier, more confident.  I want to keep that feeling going because honestly it feels great.  I haven’t felt like that in a long time but I have been there.  I want to get back to that place and make it a permanent stay.

Wednesday December 26, 2018

So, most people start their resolutions and life changes when the actual New Year begins.  Not me…I must be the odd duck 😉  There is something in my brain that keeps shout…WHY WAIT?  I argue with myself until I force myself to finally do something about it.  I am at that point in my life at this very moment.  2018 was a total shit year.  I am normally the super positive and happy type but this past year I definitely felt the lowest of the low (even if I wasn’t always showing it).  I started to feel like I was going to feel like that from here on out and I just couldn’t let that happen.  I couldn’t just give up.  Why did I need to wait?  All I was going to do is be lazy and not put my all in for the next 6 days.  I feel this internal urge to prove to myself that I can do it.  That I can succeed.  Of course, it makes me feel good when others compliment my physical achievements but I am really doing this for me.  I have suffered with self esteem issues for as long as I can remember (and it was on overdrive this past year).  I want to do things I never ever thought I could.  I want to step really far outside of my comfort zone and show my vulnerability to others.  I constantly worry what others think and I want that feeling to stop.  With that being said, that feeling will not go away because I am uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment.  I completely believe all body sizes and shapes are beautiful.  I just don’t feel beautiful in mine at the current size I am.  I don’t feel sexy at all.  I feel most like myself when I am about 35 pounds less than this.  I have felt confident and good about myself at that size.  That size does not make me “thin” but it does make me more natural…more me.  I like the way clothes fit me but I still have curves.  I will never be “thin” with the perfectly smooth body.  It’s hard to see that in the mirror but I know I hide my body way less and feel less insecure at that size.  It feels right to me.  Maintaining that size has never worked for me though.  Hence, why I am here.  I HAVE to make significant changes if I want this to really work.  I wanted this to be my first step to showing (and being ok with) my vulnerability.  I want to be as honest here as possible so (hopefully) others join the journey with me (whether it be physically or virtually), especially women.  Media has overtaken the world and women (yes men too, I know, but being a woman I am speaking from a woman’s perspective because that is what I know…what I experience) have a brainwashed idea of what beauty is.   I am a media junkie so I am not insulting the advancement of technology…..I just think media has stopped caring about the person and only the money (I guess that goes for a lot of professions).  Beauty is so much more than just a person’s outer appearance.  This journey is about the beauty of all of inside.  Health and wellness are so more than what we weigh or what and how much we eat.  This past year has been a struggle for me and I can only sit here and take ownership for constantly feeling like shit (tired all of the time, bloated, headaches and hazy…just overall not good).  Because I felt like shit mentally, I said fuck it to everything and put no effort in.  I made endless excuses.   Yes, I had some traumatic things happen but I truly believe that nothing should take you down and keep you down.  I made the excuse that I am living with my dad so that makes healthy eating hard for many reasons.  Yes, I am ready for my own space/kitchen but what a bullshit excuse I was making.  I have found it so easy to say “I’ll start tomorrow” or “I can’t do it because”.  Those words are no longer allowed to cross my lips  Stay tuned for future posts because if you know me you know I have a lot to say and a lot of thoughts and opinions.  I promise to make it as entertaining as possible. 😉

So I have been missing from social media. I have shut off a lot of forms of technology that I finally realized were taking away my connections with the outside world. Don’t get me wrong, I have not disappeared off the grid entirely (obviously you know that by this post) but I have limited my time scrolling. At night I would lay in bed and have Netflix running on my computer and I would be mindlessly scrolling through Facebook then move on to Instagram then on to Snapchat then on to anywhere else that would occupy my mind at the time.

I am not sure where to really start when talking about this change I have made. I am famous for making changes. I think subconsciously I love a challenge and to see whether or not I can do something. I was sure by significantly cutting back on social media and technology use I would feel some sort of withdrawal. Pathetic maybe, but true because I know it can be just as much of an addiction as anything else. To my utter shock I have not had that expected anxiety and need to know what is going on in everyone’s lives and what pictures people are sharing on snapchat. I did not give myself the chance to wander into that area of boredom that would cause me to start scrolling. I actually brought myself back to a place that I had abandoned for quite some time. I have drowned myself in books and learning and questioning. I have read article after article of things that interest me and I keep studying more just to learn. I have nerded out and I absolutely love it because there is so much in the world I want to know about and experience. I love technology, don’t get me wrong, it is something beautiful that has allowed us to learn about so much outside of ourselves at a rapid speed. I have significantly cut down on my computer and social media time but I do admit that cutting back on texting has been a challenge. I love and hate texting. It is such an easy and quick way to communicate with someone but it also takes away all form of emotion. The amount of misunderstanding that happens by sending just one little text can be purely maddening. I have heard over and over again (myself included in saying it), “I just hate talking on the phone.” I am old enough to have been around before cell phones were really a thing and talking on the phone was what you would look forward to. Now, we all become anxiety-ridden thinking about having to have a conversation over the phone. Why is that? I believe I am good with people in person and have average, if not above average conversational skills. When you talk on the phone you are able to hear the inflection in someone’s voice and you can talk quickly and not have to abbreviate your thoughts. So, why is texting now what we do? Why have we grown to hate talking on the phone so much? It is so strange to me but that is something I could go on and on about forever.

Anyhow, back to where I have been at for the last few weeks. Without trying to sound unbelievably cliché, I have been finding myself. About 4+ years ago I had a friend introduce me to Alan Watts and how our Ego controls us. We had several discussions and at that time I took every chance I had to learn about everything he told me. I was fascinated. I started meditating twice a day and I was so amazed at how different (for lack of a better word) I felt. I felt so much more at ease in my own body and mind. I have always been a very anxious and worrisome person and I started to notice that things started rolling off my back (I was a duck 😉 I was able to release the anxiety as soon as I felt it coming on. I was aware that most of my worries were the “little things” and I really started focusing on the NOW. I became aware that I was allowing the past and the future to control me and one was already gone and one had not even happened yet. Why was I allowing that to happen? It sounds like such an obvious concept but majority of us do it just out of mere habit. My change in lifestyle and mindset and the inclusion of meditation and regular exercise allowed me to focus on the NOW and I can’t really express the way it made me feel. It was incredible. I remember feeling like for the first time I was truly myself. I was not living to please others or rushing to get everything done or worrying about what happened or what might of happened. I was simply living and it was beautiful. As life happens though, I became busy, jobs changed, people came in and out and I stopped being so mindful. I did not become unhappy…I just became more and more unaware of myself. I would say to myself that I needed to get back there but just never did…until now.

I am not exactly sure what pushed me to go back to this place I very much loved. It may have been the New Year coming in or the need and want of a new challenge in my life…who knows? All I do know is that I absolutely love this place I am re-discovering. I have been reading nonstop and sharing my thoughts with others (to those that have wanted to listen) and I have really focused on making not just my mind but my entire body and spirit healthy. I have been told I am one of those new age hippies and maybe I am but I am not a big fan of labeling people’s identities. I just know what feels right to me. I don’t push my ideas and ways of doing things on people (at least I don’t think I do) but I do love sharing my experiences with those that want to hear them and maybe even want to try to experience it themselves.

So what have my days looked like since I decided to make this mindful change? Well, I now wake up every morning early (some mornings earlier than others-I now really listen to my body and if it needs more rest I give it more rest). At night I started putting my phone across the room so I would have to get up to get it in the morning instead of just lay there and hit snooze over and over (because I surely could do that well before). Once I am up I burn a candle (usually my spearmint eucalyptus stress relief candle) and have the lighting in my room lower (there is nothing worse than harsh lighting). I turn on meditation/zen music and I go about my morning routine. I discovered one of Earth’s great gifts…COCONUT OIL! Every morning I do oil pulling (some of you may have heard of this and others maybe not—and the reactions I get to it are always entertaining). I take a tablespoon of coconut oil and put it in my mouth and will chew it up until it becomes liquefied. Once is it liquefied I will “mouthwash” with it for anywhere between 20-30 minutes (this is where I get the “Are you crazy?” reactions). It sounds strange and I thought it would be difficult to keep a liquid in my mouth for that long but it is not. I just continue doing my usual things in the morning while I do it. If you haven’t heard of oil pulling I recommend you look it up because the health benefits are insane. While I do my oil pulling I will wash my face (which I have been more strict about and I use coconut oil on my face every night and it is unbelievable how much my skin has cleared up and looks so much healthier), get dressed, prepare my coffee and lunch for the day. By the time I go through all of these things it is time to spit it out (I use a plastic cup because spitting it down your drain can wreak havoc on your pipes). I then brush as I usually do. It is as simple as that. Crazy as it sounds it is worth it for all of the health benefits. I then sit at the end of my bed with a pillow propped behind my back and I will spend 10-15 minutes meditating. I try to focus on my breathing (deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth). Meditation can be a little tricky because the point is to clear your mind which can be difficult, especially in the world we live in today. When I meditate I repeat a mantra in my head (I can’t tell you what it is because mantras are sacred to each person for their own personal reasons). I will find my mind wandering and when this happens I do not beat myself up for being unable to focus but instead I just go right back to the mantra. This may happen 3 or 4 times or 40-50 times. Either way I go back to being centered and focus on the mantra and my breathing. Nothing during this time is forced. I am simply just being. When I am finished I slowly open eyes and start moving…nothing is rushed. I will then get dressed in my clothes for the day (I try to meditate in comfortable, stretchy clothes that don’t feel binding or restricting). Once I am dressed and ready I will sit at my kitchen table with meditation/zen music still playing and I will enjoy a cup of hot green tea and my morning smoothie or healthy breakfast of choice (toast with peanut butter, eggs, etc.). Before I forget, during this time I have vowed to not look at my phone for anything work related or anything that could bring on any kind of stress. My mornings define my day so by doing this I am starting out calm, happy and relaxed every day. I wait until I am settled in the office to check any emails, bank accounts or reports. I may answer a text if it is urgent or if it is someone I want to talk to (only positive things allowed at this time). While munching on my breakfast and sipping my tea I take out my notebook (I designed a special notebook to include positive affirmations, daily stretches, lists of books I want to read and goals I would like to achieve-I will share more of the specifics about this at a later time). I flip open to the newest, fresh page and I put the date and proceed to list 5 things I am grateful for. Some days I am grateful for the start of a new day and the beauty that surrounds me and other days I am thankful for chapstick because my lips had been dry. I am grateful for so many things and I don’t focus on everything being in depth…I make sure I take note of the little things too. After I make my list I read a few pages of something inspirational/motivational. Some days feel easier than others to take in everything I am reading or writing but I do it knowing that it starts my day better than being rushed or bombarded with emails of a million different problems. I start my day at ease and to be honest I have found most of my days to flow with ease (maybe not quite so at ease around the time that my hormones were surfacing..haha…but still at ease). I catch myself when I start getting judgmental or start letting things get to me. I do what I can to stop myself from letting it get out of hand. It is not always easy but just being aware of it makes a huge difference.

Right now I have been writing for quite a while and my thoughts have been pouring out of me but I feel like the thoughts are becoming a little jumbled (a little tired, sick of looking at the screen) so I am going to depart for now but I plan on continuing documenting this journey and I hope you decide to join me for the adventure!