It's a New Day…

Day 69 Question 69:

What celebrity/celebrities do people compare you to the most?

I decided to make this entry short and to the point because I have a day of adventure ahead of me.  It has been quite a nice weekend…beautiful weather, time with good friends, good food and movies galore.

So, when people ask the question of which celebrity they would compare you to I am always at a loss.  When I was blonde I would always say Drew Barrymore was probably the closest but in truth I don’t really see it.  When the whole Doppleganger craze came about on Facebook I never put a picture up because I had no idea who to put up.  I asked my friends what they thought and these were the 3 celebrities I heard the most (in the order I heard them the most).  Do you see it?  I don’t personally see any of these (especially the first one) but I heard it a lot.  Weeeeiiirrrdddd!!!  Who do people compare you to?

Day 68 Question 68:

What do you appreciate most about your life?

I really can’t answer this question.  I can’t answer it because there are far too many things to list and it is impossible to put one thing on the top of that list.  My life is beautiful in so many ways and I have had the luck of meeting so many people throughout my life that have been influential and inspirational.  I have family that I love with every part of my being.  I have a determination inside of me that keeps me moving through every single day.

After my first meditation of the day I started thinking about what one word would describe me the best and it did not take me long to come to the conclusion that the word would be determined.  With everything I do I have this raging determination that pushes through me and through me and through me.  If I set a goal and in my mind I am truly serious about wanting to accomplish it, I will accomplish it no matter what.  There will be times when I get sidetracked and it may take me longer than I anticipated to reach my goal but I will get there because when I set a goal it is something that I want so badly.  I appreciate having a determination like this in my life and having influences in my life to teach me the importance of determination and hard work.

When you work in the field of nonprofit (in most cases) you are introduced to a world very different from what you have always known (for most people-not all people).  Nonprofit organizations are mostly set up in high poverty/low-income areas.  When I first started working in this field I experienced things I never thought I would first-hand, up close and personal.  The things I saw were like images from a movie.  I knew this kind of poverty existed and I knew that people struggled, I guess my own personal ignorance (chosen ignorance) never really thought it was that bad.  I could not have been more wrong.  While working for the two different organizations I spent many days going in and out of homes of teenage mothers.  These homes were unlivable and should have been condemned but they weren’t.  These homes were filled with filth and any food was scarce and the quality of life was something I could not even imagine.  These young mothers struggled with their own lives and were now responsible for the lives of these tiny little people that they brought into the world.

The reason I bring up this topic is because being exposed to situations like the one I mentioned above made me appreciate my life on a whole different level.  I was able to see what life was really like after I took off the rose-colored glasses.  My life became a blessing because I could not imagine living the way that a lot of those people had to live.  It strengthened me though.  It made me find my calling in life.  I don’t care what anyone says, NO ONE should have to live like that.  Life comes with stuggles and stresses but everyone deserves a fighting chance and deserves to learn that life does not need to be like that.  In the past (I will not lie) there would be people that I encountered that I immediately felt that I was above them…because they were poor or uneducated or had babies when they were teenagers.  My way of thinking was such ignorance and I have finally learned that I am above no one.  People will not always be able to relate to each other based on their circumstances but that does not mean that either party is better than the other.  I have befriended so many people in the last few years of my life that I never thought I would.  I befriended these people because of their depth, their wisdom and their goodness.  Some of these people did not/do not have two pennies to even rub together but that is something I no longer see…inspiration and influence will never be monetarily or status based for me.

If I HAD to answer this question…the one thing I appreciate most about my life is my ability to put myself in another person’s shoes.  I may pre-judge or make snap judgments or say or do the wrong thing BUT I will always reflect on my actions and I will ALWAYS remind myself that everyone else’s story and journey is different from my own.  There is no way I will ever understand why people think or do as they do because we didn’t have the same lives…we are not clones.  The ability to do this has opened my eyes and has made me practice compassion and be empathetic to other’s situations.  Sometimes people scream in silence and all thy want is for someone to hear them or someone to help them or someone to understand them.  Everyone is fighting their own fight in this world.

I believe in love.  I believe in hope.  I believe in truth.  I believe in faith.  I believe that EVERYONE has this incredible power within themselves to make their lives incredible and powerful.  Some people just have to work harder to get there….I believe that some people are given this challenge because they need it…they need to prove to themselves that they can do it.  This is where I love being part of the process.  This is where I love to tell people what they CAN do not what they can’t.

I really do believe that love and kindness are simple and I preach and spout it off in so many blog entries.  I do this because I believe it is the way to a better life.  I appreciate life as a whole because it is this magical place in which we can write and live our own story.  We are able to meet people so different from ourselves and learn about other parts of the world from complete strangers.  We have all of these endless areas of knowledge and education that are around every corner.  Life is truly beautiful if you allow yourself to really see how much is being offered to you.

Day 67 Question 67:

What made you decide to start practicing meditation regularly?

So as most of you know I meditate twice daily.  I do two twenty minute sessions and I absolutely love these 2 parts of my days.  For the longest time I was curious about Meditation but I figured it would be impossible for me because my brain goes nonstop and I could sometimes be overcome with anxious and nervousness.  I do Transcendental Meditation and what I love is how it embraces your thoughts.  Thoughts are natural.  You can’t just stop them when they come.  If you try to you just end up thinking and thinking and thinking some more.  When I come out of my meditative state it takes me a minute or two to get refreshed and I realize that I feel like I had escaped for 20 minutes.  Thoughts came and went the entire time but I would feel so completely relaxed.  It is close to what I would consider an out of body experience.

Through this meditation (sometimes it is hard to put into words the feelings I have experienced) there is so much from the past that is brought to the surface.  It almost feels like old stresses escape me during this time.  What I find most interesting (and I usually don’t pick up on it until after) is the things that would come to my mind while I was in the meditative state.  Since starting this practice I have brought to the front of my mind experiences that I have not even thought of in several years…and these experiences were clear as day in my internal vision.

I now love the things I find humor in.  I can scan Facebook and see silly pictures that make me smile and it makes me appreciate the person who posted it just that much more.  It feels like we share the same sense of humor.  Nowadays I feel excitement from deep within me about so many different things.  I just want to keep reaching out and take advantage of as many opportunities as possible…even if they are as small as going to see a new movie or reading a book recommended by a stranger.  I feel like a character in a book…the weakling of a female that turns into a strong, opinionated, life-living woman.  The one that finally says to hell with living a life of suffering and despair and decides to take life by the balls and writes her own journey.

For the longest time I had this nagging feeling inside of me that something was missing from my life.  I could not put my finger on exactly what it was.  I was always on a search for happiness.  After the last guy and I split up we tried maintaining a friendship for a little while but it ended up being a bust.  We needed time apart because my feelings were still too strong and who knows where his head and heart were at.  During the small period of time that we tried to be friends he sent me a link of David Lynch (movie producer) talking about consciousness and Transcendental Meditation.  I was immediately drawn in and I wanted to find out more immediately.  I had grown really tired of living this life filled with anxiety and constantly blaming all sorts of sources for being unfair.  I was sick of viewing life in this manner.  I didn’t want to be one of those angry people anymore that constantly blamed every aspect of life for all of their problems.  I no longer wanted to be a comformist.  I wanted to start practicing something new to see what the results could possibly be.

I look back at the relationship I was in and it is as if I was a completely different person then in comparison to who I am now.  I am unsure of how I would relate to the person I was seeing nowadays.  I believe that he would have had to do a lot of changing as well in order for our paths to coincide.  I now realize that through my meditation practices and through my feeling of much more ease that I must separate myself from negative people as much as possible.  I do not want to be around people that chronically complain because I have learned (and truly believe) that we are in control of our lives and negativity just brings on many more problems.  I blamed myself, loathed myself and felt sorry for myself for so long and finally I was over it.  I knew that deep inside of me was this strong, bull-headed woman that wanted to fight for an incredible, beautiful, artistic life and it was now or never.  I still have moments of anxiety and everyday isn’t filled with rainbows and butterflies (I am a woman and I am hormonal-the body’s chemistry sometimes just is the deciding factor in how we feel) but life seems to have greater clarity now.  Life doesn’t seem so complicated anymore.

I can sense that people would roll their eyes when they read what I write.  I know some people just have to be pessimistic in order to survive.  Some people thrive for drama in their lives because that is what makes them safe and secure.  Some people have a lot of built up resentment and anger and the only thing they know is to reject other people.  I am ok with that.  I do not need to be accepted and loved by all.  I share my words because (honestly) I want people to look at themselves.  I want people to reflect on their lives and truly see who they are as people.  I want people to determine if they are really happy in life.  No, my goal is not to fix everyone in the world…come on now that is impossible.  My goal is to share my experiences because I think so many people can relate.

I pass by blogs everyday of people that are overwhelmed with stress, sadness, despair and self-loathing.  It is obvious these people are screaming in silence and they just want to figure out the answers and they have no idea how.  The only real answer is that there isn’t one.  We all determine our own path and we make our own choices.  It is our choice to believe what we want to believe.  I want to tell people that it is ok to not follow the crowd or mold yourself to what society thinks you should be.  Happiness is not a destination.  Happiness is the journey.  I have said that many times before and I will say it many times again.  Life can be a struggle when you are trying to figure yourself out.  There are days when you may feel like you are being pulled in too many directions to even count and you have no idea which direction is the right one.  Everyone may be telling you that one direction is the right way but your gut and your heart feel that another direction is.  People may not like that I say this but listen to what your gut is telling you.  What you are feeling is true because you are connecting with a deeper level of consciousness.  This is a deeper part of you that knows what is right for you.  It may feel weird and out of the norm because you are going against the grain of society but trust me…once you stop resisting you will start living.  Life really and truly does start when you step outside of your comfort zone.

Do you know what it feels like to be sitting in a coffee shop alone watching strangers and feeling a sense of happiness because you are able to experience all of these lives around you?  Do you know what it feels like to want happiness for complete strangers?  Do you know what it feels like to fight for what you believe in and not want to beat yourself up about it (because someone/society is telling you that it is wrong)?  Do you know what it feels like to look in the mirror and feel absolutely beautiful and it has nothing to do with your physical appearance?  Do you know what it is like to love yourself because you are able to grab onto all of your values and your gifts that you have to offer to the world and embrace them?  I hope you are able to answer yes to these questions because everyone should be able to experience and feel these things.  In my opinion this is what living really should be.

I started to meditate so I could start living MY life instead of everyone else’s.  I started writing this blog so that I could get everything I needed to out of me because sometimes I struggle in vocal word.  I started sharing my thoughts with complete strangers (and even friends and family) so that they could experience something outside of everything that they know.  I am not a saint or someone looking for a medal or some type of humanitarian award but in complete and true honesty I want people to be able to love themselves.  I want people to be able to read my words and to be able to say screw what everyone else thinks about me and say, “I am talented, beautiful, artistic, smart, determined, passionate, kind, caring…”  Life is not meant to be lived so everyone conforms.  I believe that we would have so many less hate crimes and wars if people were more accepting of themselves and loved themselves and accepted others for their differences but I realize we are a long long long way from that.  My words in this blog are written in hopes to inspire.  Step outside of your comfort zone…not tomorrow…not next week…NOW!!!  Ask yourself why you “hate” anything or anyone you do then follow it up by asking what benefits come from this hate.  Ask yourself what benefits come from loathing the way you look or feel about yourself.  Do something so different than you normally would do just to prove to yourself (just yourself-not to anyone else) that you can do it.  Maybe I am demanding a lot of people and maybe people will ridicule me and tell me that I am living some sort of fantasy life but I am not going to stop…not today…not next week…not next year.  I will be spouting off this same message for the rest of my life….who knows maybe I will even be spouting it off in the life after that too.  ;0)

Meditation has changed me.  Meditation has made me fall in love with life and has allowed more and more stresses to escape my body.  I share this with you in hopes that you are able to enjoy your journey called life as much as I have.  I promise you that it is possible to change your path if that is what you truly want…and it doesn’t have to be as hard as you think it is going to be.  I understand that there is apprehension and nervousness but you really do not need to be scared because what you are capable of is so unlimited.  Whoever you are reading this….YOU ARE A GIFT IN THIS WORLD.  You have way more to offer than you even have any idea about in this very moment.  Take this time right here right now and choose to love who you are.  The last thing I am asking is for you to just trust me in this.  Check out this link to a College based on Counsciousness in Iowa.  http://www.mum.edu/index.html  and the Trascendental Meditation website is www.tm.org if you are interested in checking it out.  :0)  And this Sunday on The Oprah channel at 9:00pm she will be doing a special on TM and will be visiting the University in Iowa.  :0)

My last words to you are….Love Yourself Always!

Day 66 Question 66:

Are you a good friend?

We live in this world that has become so “politically correct”.  Well you know what, I can use discretion but I HATE having to walk on eggshells day in and day out because I might say something to offend someone.  I believe we lose all morality and all honesty of who we are as people when we constantly stroke people’s egos or candy coat our feelings.  God forbid we offend someone by telling the truth.  You may wonder why I bring this up when the question at hand is whether or now I am a good friend.  Well I do believe friendship and honesty do go hand in hand and like relationships and love I do believe sometimes friendships are forced.  I believe friendships are much easier and much more immediately natural flowing that romantic relationships but sometimes there is an uneasiness.  Ultimately, no one wants to be alone in life (well some might but I think they would be outnumbered) and sometimes we are forced into life situations (especially as we get older…and still remind single) in which we want to make friends and meet new people but the pickins are pretty slim.  I am not implying that we must be particular and picky when making friends but just like a romantic relationship you want to have friends that you TRULY care about….people that you would drop everything for….people you bond with…cry with…laugh with…I think you know what I mean.  There comes a time though, that just like orgasms, we fake it.  We force friendships in order to not be alone or to simply have someone to do something with.  I have done this at different times in my life.  It has taken me 33 years to see that there was no benefit to doing this and beating myself up for not particularly caring for certain people (don’t get me wrong, I did not say dislike, I just mean not being able to share interests or feel any sort of connection to the other person) is no longer worth it.  I don’t believe time is really wasted often (as long as you are learning a lesson) but I do believe that knowingly befriending someone/people that you just share no common ground with or feel any sort of comfort with is definitely a waste of time.

For me it has taken a long journey to really start finding myself and accepting everything that I am.  For the first time (probably since early childhood) I have felt at ease and even proud of who I am as a person.  I am seeing life and opportunities in a different way now and I am able to hold onto the beautiful person that I am no matter what others may think or say about me.  Other people have no control over my life…I am the only one that has that power.  Everything I am writing about does tie into the question I am answering.  Am I a good friend?  Yes, I do believe I am.  Have I always been a good friend?  Nope, I certainly have not.  There will come times in the future where I am destined to fuck up a friendship or hurt a friend’s feelings for whatever the reason may be.  I look at those things as life…we must have downs in order to appreciate the up’s.  I do not want to go on a big rant by bragging about myself and state the zillions of reasons that make me a good friend.  It is quite simple…my intentions are always sincere, always genuine, and always heart-felt.  What I feel inside of me day in and day out is the urge to continually better myself and try to make the best choices that I can (not everyday I do) and for someone that I consider a real and true friend I would do anything for them.  I try my hardest with people that I feel an honest connection with.  I believe I am a polite and very friendly person but I will admit that I do not put a lot of effort into people that I have no common ground to share or those that I just don’t feel any sense of ease with. 

Friends have come and gone throughout my life.  As time passes life changes.  I am 33 years old and still single with no children (I am the Carrie Bradshaw of 2012-well before the movies ;0)  As most of you would guess a lot of people my age have gone down the married with children path.  I will not say that singles and couples can’t be friends but I will say that in a lot of cases there is a shift in the dynamic of the relationship.  I have married friends but they are not the friends that I hang out with regularly.  I choose not to hang out with them because (to be completely honest-I am only speaking for my situation btw) a lot of them treat me like an outsider.  I get looked upon like the single, wild party girl that in their eyes just hasn’t grown up and settled down yet (I haven’t drank alcohol in 16 months—trust me I am far from a party girl anymore).  I get the looks of pity and the “oh he will come along when you least expect it” or “you should meet so and so” comments.  What a lot of them don’t understand is that marriage and children are not my top priorities in life.  I look at both of those things as “If it happens it happens.”  This attitude has caused a divide in different relationships because when people’s values differ so does their common ground.  I believe it is so true that you can have a lot of acquaintances in your life but true friends usually only come in maybe a small handful.  Friendship is usually a weeding out process.  Just recently I discovered a “friend” had unfriended me on Facebook.  I then realized we never were really close friends…we were acquaintances.  I never got to any point with her in which I felt comfortable.  I never felt like I could pick up the phone at anytime just to talk to her or ask her advice on something.  I am unsure of why she “unfriended” me.  She has become a Bible banger and if she has read anything I have written then she has probably learned that I am not a church going Christian.  Maybe she believes she should not mingle with sinners like me (again, why I question Christianity).  I don’t know I could be totally off base.  Neither of us really put in the effort for what I believe two people should if the friendship is the real deal.  I don’t dislike her because of this.  I would always treat her with respect and kindness if our paths crossed.  I am a good friend, even if sometimes I say or do the wrong thing, because I accept people for who they are (it may not come initially-I may make snap judgments but I always come back to realizing people’s lives are different than mine).

In answer to the question of whether or not I am a good friend I would have to say yes.  I say yes because I realize that people are going to make mistakes and at some point or another do something to fuck up the friendship (hopefully it is only a momentary fuck up) and I believe it forgiveness whole-heartedly (if the person is genuinely sorry).  I have talked about my friends behind their backs and done things I should not have done and I have asked for forgiveness.  In some cases I have been forgiven and in others I have not.  I am a good friend because I allow people room to learn and to grow.  I may not be there each and every moment I am needed because I am caught up in my own life but those that are my true and genuine friends are always in my heart and they will know that.  I am willing to see past someone’s antics and bad decisions if they are willing to see past mine.  I believe that is what friendship is really about.  Friendship comes with this level of comfort that is there almost immediately.  You don’t get to that level with just anyone…that is why I say real friendships come in only small handfuls. 

I know sometimes I tend to complicate things.  Actually no I am just being who I am and I love to analyze and thing about things in depth.  Not everyone understands this and not everyone would want to befriend me because of this.  I admit to having a hard time being friends that seem to me to be superficial and “on the surface”.  I am not the type of girl that wants to talk about boys and shoes all of the time.  I am not throwing a dig out there at the girls that are those types…I am just stating that the chances of us meshing into any sort of friendship would probably be slim to none.  I am a good friend because my words are honest.  I may not always say them in vocal word but at some point or another I always say them.  I am not confrontational and this can be a negative or a positive…it would just depend on the friendship I guess.  I have shaped, molded and shifted throughout my many years and finally I am at peace with who I am.  I will never stop changing and I will constantly be seeking out more knowledge but what makes me the most sincere (which I think is the key to being a good friend) is that I have an immense amount of goodness and compassion in my heart.  I really do want good things to happen for other people.  When I love and when I care…I love with everything in me.  I may feel awkward and uncomfortable showing it (that is just how I am) but my true friends know that about me.  They never need to question how I feel about them.  I am an open book.

P.S.  I had to throw this in here because I caught some shit from leaving out someone in another entry (my favorite music).  TRACEY MOORE-I had you sitting in the front of my mind when I wrote this entry.  Love you mean it!!!

Day 65 Question 65:

What are some of your favorite books/book reccommendations?

Throughout my life I have been the type of person to read excessively in spurts.  I will read an insane amount of books in a short period of time (maybe 3-4 weeks) then I won’t read anything (with the exception of magazines or Internet articles) for months and months.  I am trying to be better about this.  I am so interested in a million different things (books, documentaries, exercise/fitness) that sometimes I just can’t seem to squeeze everything I want to do in one day.  I do love my sleep so I am not going to give that up. ;0)

Fairly recently I went through a reading spell and I read some really incredible books.  It inspired me to write this entry because I wanted to share these recommendations with my readers in hopes that they would return the favor.  I am a sucker for a good book…a book that you could start and finish in one day (it doesn’t have to be that way but you know what I mean).  I figured we could do some swapping of ideas.  Below are some books I have read recently and some I have read quite a long time ago.  I thought I would include a synopsis of every book so everyone could get an idea about the premise and decide if they wanted to jump in.  Each book played with my heart strings in some way or another…they were/are all books that I didn’t want to put down once I picked them up.  If you decide to read any or all of these books I would love to hear your take on them (especially The Power of Now and The Art of Happiness-these are my absolute 2 favorites-I am going to reread The Power of Now starting this weekend).  I really want your book recommendations as well.  I am really into sci-fi too much but if it is something that completely caught your attention then I am totally willing to check it out.  I want to expand my horizons and potentially open another door to another world that someone else has introduced to me.  Who knows, maybe I could find another new love or another new passion for a subject I never thought I would have interest in.

So here we go (in no set order):

1)      Running with Scissors (The movie did not at all compare to the book) by: Augusten Burroughs-Running with Scissors is the true story of a boy whose mother (a poet with delusions of Anne Sexton) gave him away to be raised by her unorthodox psychiatrist who bore a striking resemblance to Santa Claus. So at the age of twelve, Burroughs found himself amidst Victorian squalor living with the doctor’s bizarre family, and befriending a pedophile who resided in the backyard shed. The story of an outlaw childhood where rules were unheard of, and the Christmas tree stayed up all year round, where Valium was consumed like candy, and if things got dull an electroshock- therapy machine could provide entertainment. The funny, harrowing and bestselling account of an ordinary boy’s survival under the most extraordinary circumstances.

2)      Hunger Games Trilogy-Suzanne Collins(I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE FIRST MOVIE TO COME OUT)-The Hunger Games trilogy takes place in an unidentified future time period after the destruction of the current nations of North America, in a nation known as “Panem.” Panem consists of a rich Capitol, located in what used to be The Rockies of North America, and twelve (formerly thirteen) surrounding, poorer districts which cater to the Capitol’s needs. As punishment for a previous rebellion against the Capitol wherein twelve of the districts were defeated and the thirteenth destroyed, every year one boy and one girl from each of the remaining twelve districts, between the ages of twelve and eighteen, are selected by lottery and forced to participate in the “Hunger Games.” The Games are a televised event where the participants, called “tributes,” must fight to the death in a dangerous outdoor arena until only one remains. The winning tribute and his/her corresponding district is then rewarded handsomely.

3)      Lord of the Flies-William Golding-In Lord of the Flies, British schoolboys are stranded on a tropical island. In an attempt to recreate the culture they left behind, they elect Ralph to lead, with the intellectual Piggy as counselor. But Jack wants to lead, too, and one-by-one, he lures the boys from civility and reason to the savage survivalism of primeval hunters. In Lord of the Flies, William Golding gives us a glimpse of the savagery that underlies even the most civilized human beings.

4)      Being Zen-Ezra Bayda-We can use whatever life presents, Ezra Bayda teaches, to strengthen our spiritual practice—including the turmoil of daily life. What we need is the willingness to just be with our experiences—whether they are painful or pleasing—opening ourselves to the reality of our lives without trying to fix or change anything. But doing this requires that we confront our most deeply rooted fears and assumptions in order to gradually become free of the constrictions and suffering they create. Then we can awaken to the loving-kindness that is at the heart of our being. While many books aspire to bring meditation into everyday experience, Being Zen gives us practical ways to actually do it, introducing techniques that enable the reader to foster qualities essential to continued spiritual awakening.

5)      The Art of Happiness-The Dalai Lama(This is my 2^nd favorite book in the whole world)- “Whether one believes in religion or not, whether one believes in this religion or that religion, the very purpose of our life is happiness, the very motion of our life is towards happiness.” H.H. the Dalai Lama, from The Art of Happiness.  So popular and so rarely understood, this Nobel Peace Prize winner and man of great inner peace brings to a general audience the key to a happy life. In collaboration with a Western psychiatrist, The Art of Happiness is the first inspirational book for a general audience by the Dalai Lama.  Through meditations, stories, and the meeting of Buddhism and psychology, the Dalai Lama shows us how to defeat day-to-day depression, anxiety, anger, jealousy, or just an ordinary bad mood. He discusses relationships, health, family, and work to show us how to ride through life’s obstacles on a deep and abiding source of inner peace. Based on 2,500 years of Buddhist meditations mixed with a healthy dose of common sense, The Art of Happiness crosses the boundaries of all traditions to help readers with the difficulties common to all human beings.

6)      The Power of Now-Eckhart Tolle-There are four key themes in Tolle’s book, none of which is particularly revelatory in its own right, and all of which owe much to Buddhist, Zen and Taoist teachings: The ‘ego self’, or ‘mind’, is not the ‘true self’. We are all part of the Great Unity, or Ultimate Source, and to recognise this fact and drop the illusion of separateness and self is the key to enlightenment. Time is an illusion, and we should learn to live in the present or ‘eternal Now’. Our attempts to gain primary fulfilment from external pleasures – be they material possessions, political or work-related power, success and recognition, or even the perfect loving relationship – carry with them an equal likelihood of pain and disappointment. By contrast, real fulfilment is an inner ‘state of being’. However, the power of Tolle’s message lies in how he combines these traditional themes, and explains their implications without resorting to esoteric jargon or – by contrast to the apparent hypocrisy of many supposed gurus – allowing it to be obscured by the inflation of his own ego.  To summarize, he suggests that our minds are conditioned to think in terms of past, present and future. This means that we are constantly preoccupied with looking both backwards and forwards – in fact anything rather than focus on the present, the here and now. So we focus on the past because this is what gives us our sense of identity, and what has led us to the life circumstances that we currently face. And we focus on the future because this is where all our dreams, hopes and fears will play out.

7)      Oh, The Places You’ll Go-Dr. Seuss-This last book I thought I would just copy in so you can read it right here right now.  Yes, it is a “children’s” book but once you read it you will realize that the message is really for all people.  It is a book that reminds us how life really is and what we are all capable of.  All of the children that I have been a nanny for have received this book as a gift from me and I plan to buy this book for any other children that become a significant part of my life.

Oh, The Places You’ll Go by: Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You’re off to Great Places!

You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.

You’re on your own.  And you know what you know.

And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets.  Look ’em over with care.

About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”

With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,

you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any

you’ll want to go down.

In that case, of course,

you’ll head straight out of town.

It’s opener there

in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen

and frequently do

to people as brainy

and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,

don’t worry.  Don’t stew.

Just go right along.

You’ll start happening too.

OH!

THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!

You’ll be on your way up!

You’ll be seeing great sights!

You’ll join the high fliers

who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.

You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t

Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so

but, sadly, it’s true

and Hang-ups

can happen to you.

You can get all hung up

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch

with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump,

you’re not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they’re darked.

A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right…

or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?

Or go around back and sneak in from behind?

Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,

for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused

that you’ll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or a No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

NO!

That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape

all that waiting and staying.

You’ll find the bright places

where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,

once more you’ll ride high!

Ready for anything under the sky.

Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done!

There are points to be scored.  there are games to be won.

And the magical things you can do with that ball

will make you the winning-est winner of all.

Fame!  You’ll be famous as famous can be,

with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t.

Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times

you’ll play lonely games too.

Games you can’t win

’cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something

you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance

you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go

though the weather be foul

On you will go

though your enemies prowl

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl

Onward up many

a frightening creek,

though your arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike

and I know you’ll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course,

as you already know.

You’ll get mixed up

with many strange birds as you go.

So be sure when you step.

Step with care and great tact

and remember that Life’s

a Great Balancing Act.

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.

And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So…

be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray

or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,

you’re off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So…get on your way!

Day 64 Question 64:

What is one of the craziest things you have ever done?

In my 33 years of life I have done a lot of crazy things.  I have had many nights of drunken debauchery and done inappropriate things with boys in semi-public places (leave your judgment at the door-I am far from perfect but I am honest ;0)  When I think about my life and evaluate my journey of crazy scenarios and wild rides I keep flashing back to going to Woodstock ’99 (no not an acid flashback-haha).

I was 20 years old and it was the summer between my junior and senior year of college.  My best friend from college lived in New Hartford which was only 20 minutes away from Rome, NY where they were holding Woodstock ’99.  I knew I HAD to go.  I slid the idea past my parents and immediately got shot down.  After a couple of weeks I figured they must have forgotten so I asked them if I could go to Sylvan Beach (in the town next to Rome,NY) to hang out with my best friend (the dates just happened to coincide with the dates of Woodstock ;)…how convenient right)???   I won’t surprise anyone by saying that my parents were so on to my scheme.  Deep down I think they knew I was a good kid and even though they didn’t love the thought of me going to Woodstock they couldn’t keep that tight of a grip on me….and if they didn’t know before I went they certainly knew by the time I got home.  I was covered in bruises and dirt and was lobster red from 3 days of beating down sun.  I think it was quite obvious I didn’t just take a relaxing trip to Sylvan Beach.  :0)

Woodstock was a once in a lifetime experience and it definitely had its ups and downs but I could not be more happy that I got to experience it.  Like I said, my best friend lived 20 minutes from the Airforce base where the festival was being held.  We decided we were going to arrive early Friday morning so we could get a decent parking space and get our tent set up.  We left at 5:30am and finally arrived on base at 9:30am….yes indeed it took 4 hours.  Traffic was just creeping.  250,000 people attended this festival.  We parked our car and trekked the 2 miles to the west gate to finally get into the festival we have been so anxiously been waiting for.  We found a spot close to this entrance to set up our tent.  There were quite a few thousand people that had already arrived the night before.  While setting up our tent I turned my head to the left to witness a guy leaning out of his tent throwing up all over the ground…yep this was Woodstock.

The three days we spent at Woodstock were unbelievably memorable.  There were down sides ($5 bottles of water, dirty, scary porta potties, excruciating heat) but it still did not take away from the experience.  There were two stages set up on the base (the west stage and the east stage).  The big acts (Dave Matthews, Rage Against the Machine, Limp Bizkit) were held on the West stage while smaller acts (Rusted Root, Our Lady Peace, Insant Clown Posse) were held on the East Stage.  We mainly stayed at the west stage since these were the bands we wanted to see the most but every once in a while we ventured over to check out a show on the East stage.  The stages were approximately 3 miles apart so it was a hike to go back and forth.  As time passed more and more people arrived and it became like a sea.  There were people everywhere and sometimes you would have to get your bearings to figure out where you were because of the amount of people surrounding you.

The first show we saw was James Brown at high noon.  We planted ourselves on the grass and let all of the festivities roll in.  We met so many different people from around the country…it was amazing how many people traveled thousands of miles for this festival.  I even kind of sort of had a Woodstock boyfriend.  He was younger than me which was not normally like me and I find it funny that I remember his name being Jake (when I can’t remember some of the guys names I dated within the last year…hahaha).  We sat on the grass and watched shows all day long surrounded by people drinking beer and smoking weed.  There was supposed to be a pretty strict security search when you first arrived but with the amount of hookas and bongs I saw I immediately knew that wasn’t happening ;0)  People were having an amazing time despite the raging heat.

My best friend and I saw an endless amount of shows: Dave Matthews Band, Rage Against the Machine, Korn, Limp  Bizkit, DMX, Jamiroquai, Jewel, Red Hot Chili Peppers—this is only scratching the surface.  For $150, the heat and the high prices of food and water were totally worth it in my opinion.  Vendors marked up prices because they could and I didn’t blame them.  Tickets to concerts to see only one performer (maybe an opening act as well) can cost up to $100 a piece nowadays…$150 for a 3 day weekend of nonstop bands (popular amazing bands at that) was completely worth it to me.  There was rioting and there were big blazing fires at the end and a lot of the news coverage blamed the high prices of food and water and people’s irritability but what they failed to mention is that the day before (Saturday) that they handed out candles to 250,000 people in plans of doing a Jimi Hendrix tribute.  Maybe this is my own ignorance but if you hand out 250,000+ candles to concert goers that have been in the blazing sun for three days with very little sleep then you are ASKING for a fire.  No, I do not condone what happened at Woodstock in regards to the fires and looting…I do think that there was not a lot of preparation and planning on behalf of the venue.  I am not sure if they were truly prepared for that many people and I do not know if they had enough staff on standby if needed.

Regardless of the fires and the looting I would not take back this experience for anything.  I got to spend the weekend with my best friend in the whole world and we experienced so many amazing things.  My best friend got a butterfly airbrushed on her boobs and walked around topless all day….she was even featured on VH1  (I did not have the balls to do the same).  We ran into friends that we went to college with (how crazy is it to run into people you know amongst a crowd of 250,000 people), we met VJ’s from MTV, we met and befriended people from different countries that had traveled to the United States for the first time just to see some of the bands, we peed behind a chain link fence (the porta potties were gross and too far away) and totally got busted by some random guy, we saw dozens of concerts that we would have never seen otherwise.  The shows were amazing but by far my favorite was Rage Against the Machine.  The lead singer, Zack de la Rocha, did not speak to the audience even once but the performance was flawless.  I have always been a Rage fan so to see them live was absolutely amazing!  The lights, the sound and the crowd reaction made it just that much better.

Woodstock was three days filled with chaos and craziness.  I left tired, dirty and bruised but it was an experience that I would never ever give back.  My parents ended up picking me up at the mall and when I arrived they knew immediately that I had lied and went to Woodstock instead of Sylvan Beach (they knew all along but I think they were just in denial).  The time they started worrying was when they saw the fires and the looting on TV…but being smart ladies that we were, we got the hell out of dodge as soon as all of the madness began.  By that time (midnight on Sunday night) our time was spent.  We both just wanted a hot shower and a warm bed.  I look back on that time and I smile thinking about something that I did that in a million years I never thought that I would.  People can ridicule and insult this festival but until you are there you really don’t know anything about the experience.  It truly was something worth it…in my opinion the good indefinitely outweighed the bad.  I can’t say I would do it again (since my ass is no longer 20 years old) but then again who knows.   Guess we will just have to see what the future holds.  ;0)  I feel like I can’t even give this whole festival and experience justice in the written word…it was one of those once in a lifetime experiences that although it was filled with insanity it was something that I couldn’t be happier that I will always be able to hold onto the memory of.

So to my readers, what is one of the craziest things you have ever done????

Day 63 Question 63:

How do children make you feel?

This morning I was skimming through another blog I stumbled upon and a girl had answered a bunch of different contemplative questions and I found the questions and her answers quite interesting.  This is going to go off the beaten path for a second but there was one question that she answered that kind of blew me away.

Question: The children living next door are being horribly abused by their parents. The only way to stop the abuse is to adopt the children and care for them in your home. Would you?

Her Answer: Honestly, NO, plain and simple.

I, honestly can’t imagine anyone saying no to this question but I have also learned a lot more about people by making this blog.  I was hanging out having dinner with a friend the other night and the topic came up of children being abducted and tortured and how it is becoming more and more common.  Both of us shared the sentiments of how disgusting and sick it is for a person to do this to a child.  We talked about the movie Precious and how a person must be very mentally ill if they were to sexually abuse (or abuse in general) a young child (as young as 3 months old).  There is nothing natural or right about that.  I can only believe that someone must have a “mental defect” to think that actions like that are ok or if they find satisfaction in them.

So upon reading this answer I have to admit I was shocked that she outright said no.  I do understand that some people just don’t enjoy children or do not want them but I do not understand how you would not want to protect them.  I am a nanny for twin girls that are 16 months old…these are not my children and I would take a bullet for them in an instant.

I am very undecided about whether or not I want children.  For the longest time I thought I did and then I realized I felt the way that I did because that was the “norm”…what you are supposed to do.  I go back and forth with it all of the time.  I know I have answered this question in a different form in a previous blog entry.  I guess I had to revisit the topic again because of my shock from the woman’s answer above.

I may be undecided on whether I want children or not but I adore them.  I would do anything to protect them, even if they weren’t mine.  The other day I was in Walmart, waiting in the customer service line to pick up my new computer.  Behind me in line was a young girl (I would guess early 20’s) pushing a cart with a stunning blonde headed girl (she was about 14 months old).  The little girl had bright blonde hair pulled into 2 pigtails on the top of her head and big ocean blue eyes.  She was so happy and so excitable.  I turned around and asked how old she was and told the girl I was a nanny for twin girls.  She asked if I had any children and I told her no.  She then asked me if I wanted them and I told her I was undecided.  Ok, let me back up for a minute.  This is not meant to stereotype, but upon first perception this girl appeared to be quite “country” and upon listening to her I don’t believe she was very well-educated.  I formed a snap judgment assuming that she probably wasn’t that great of a parent (no I am not proud of thinking that way).  She looked me square in the eye and said, “You really should have children.  They make everything in your life better.  There is nothing better than having children.”  I immediately got kicked in the ass by making a completely inaccurate assumption.  Now, she may not be parent of the year but her actions in the store (how attentive and loving she was to her daughter and her words) showed me something completely different than I assumed.  I learn quite often that you really cannot judge a book by its cover.  I am sure I will learn this lesson many more times throughout my life.  I was impressed by this young woman and the love she showed for her child.

Unfortunately there are too many cases where parents neglect and harm their children or we read stories (watch the news) of children being abducted and found dead somewhere.  I recently read an article online about a 9 year old girl that died and her mother and grandmother were being charged with manslaughter.  The little girl ate some candy without permission and her punishment was to run until her mother told her she could stop.  The little girl continued running for over 3 hours (on a hot day).  When she reached home she ended up having severe seizures and her heart stopped.  She was unable to be revived.  I can’t wrap my brain around how any parent could think this form of punishment is ok???  My friend that visited me the other night told me of another story where a young boy was found chained up in his house.  He had been pulled out of school to be “home schooled”.  I am unsure of the details of how he was discovered but when he was he was extremely malnourished and weighed significantly below the average for someone his age.  How can someone do that? This is a human being…a human being with your DNA.  You chose to give this child life.

I have encountered so many parents throughout my years that have absolutely no business being parents.  I understand that sometimes pregnancies are unplanned but if you do not want children or do not want the burden you have options.  There are people all over the world that want children and would love them unconditionally and protect them every day of their life.  In my opinion being able to have a child is the greatest gift someone could ever receive.  It is the opportunity to be the best person you possibly can be and use your gift to help shape this person that you have given life to.  Having a child is having the opportunity to make the world a better place by teaching this child solid morals and values.  Why isn’t the world like this?  It seems like such common sense but it is not.  Why have we grown into this society of entitlement—everyone is owed a favor.  I believe when you have a child that is your opportunity to start over and to start fresh.  If you did not have the best life then you are able to make sure that the same does not happen to your child.  I believe a child/children should change you….it is an opportunity that should make you a better person.  I am not a parent so maybe I have no leg to stand on.  Maybe my opinion doesn’t count.  I know how I feel when I am around children though.  I know that children are innocent and deserve a fair shot at life.  I know that children are like sponges and absorb and mimic everything that they see and hear.  Why would you not try to expose them to all of the positive things in life?  As a parent, how could you possibly look at your child and not feel a love from deep within yourself?  I keep thinking back to when I worked as a Parent Educator and I witnessed a mother telling her 3 year old son that he was a mistake and she wished she never had him.  I never thought I would hear or see anything like that in my life.  I always knew that people like that existed but I never thought in my life I would have so many first-hand encounters with mothers and fathers that were always putting themselves before their children and treating their children like they were nothing but an inconvenience.  I wanted to scream at these parents when I saw them act like this and tell them to get their shit together.  I never did though because I knew that method would be pointless.

I admit I do fear having children partially because of the direction I see the world going.  I know that children need to experience hardships in order to build confidence and strength but we are living in a day in age where children need to be wearing protective armor.  Bullying is becoming this commonplace in school’s nowadays….what is it going to be like in 15 years???  Maybe it won’t be as bad…maybe it will be way worse.  When I finally make my decision about children, I do not want fear to be the reason that I choose not to have them.  I know I would be a mother that would love her children until the end of time and teach them everything I possibly could.  I believe I would raise compassionate and kind children.  I have chosen to work in the fields that I have because of my love for children.  I love the innocence in their eyes and the curiosity they have toward everything.

I have rambled all over the place in this entry.  I guess it just struck a chord with me when I read about the woman that would not adopt the children I mentioned above.  I love my life of independence.  I love being able to go where I want when I want and having no one to answer to or no one to bring with me.  With this being said though, if a child were to be brought into my life (under any sort of circumstances) I would do right by them and make sure they had the best life I could provide for them.  To me, it just seems like the only choice…the right thing to do!

Sidenote:

Both of these books have a somber tone but are good reads on the topic if you would like to check them out:

A Child Called It by Dave Peltzer (He also has 2 followup books to this)

Room by Emma Donoghue

Day 62 Question 62:

What is your favorite poem?

I am not an avid poetry reader but every once in a while one crosses my path that I fall a little bit in love with.  Poetry is this art form in which people are able to express themselves in abstract ways which is so very beautiful to me.  They tell a story and to writer they know all of the details and the pieces that the words so delicately define but the reader is only able to wonder what the writer has truly felt.  Poetry is this art form in which both parties (the reader and writer) have their own story and are able to translate the words they see fit.

I chose the poem below because it reminds me so much of an important time in my life.  One day past I met this amazing person but our lives were unable to come together at the moment.  This person I will never forget because he showed me a world outside of my own and made me believe in things and feelings that I never knew existed.  I hope you enjoy it.  What is your favorite poem?

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

Day 61 Question 61:

Can people change?

It’s St. Patrick’s Day!  No booze for this young lady.  I saw a friend last night at the restaurant where I work and she asked if I was still on the no drinking think and when I did the math I realized it has been 16 months since I have drank.  I will rock out a non-alcoholic beer every once in a while but it has been a loooong time since any alcohol (besides the teeny weeny bit in the O’Douls) has been inside my body.  It is pretty wild.  I honestly can’t really see going back to drinking (no I was not an alcoholic-haha) because I have seen life in a different way and I like this way better.  Hindsight really is 20/20 because for me I saw that drinking really had no advantages.  I would always end up with a “want to shoot myself in the face” hangover and on some occasions I would just get emotional or feel depressed the day after drinking.  For me it really was a depressant that took a hold of me.  In 16 months I have not had to suffer through the 24+ hour hangover or have to make those phone calls apologizing for my stupid actions.  I never had to ask others what my dumb ass did because I drank too much.  I was completely capable to drinking in moderation or just having 1 or 2 in a social setting but I just decided I wanted a challenge and just get rid of it all together.  My original goal was to quit for 4-5 months and once I met that goal I figured why start now????

I refer to this part of my life because with the question of whether people can change I would have to say yes.  I believe we are built in certain ways and change can be extremely difficult at times but it is completely possible.  Change can only be accomplished though if that is what you truly want.  Real change is not something that can be faked.  You can’t just try to convince yourself that you are changed because that is what you want.  I have aspects of my life that I am still trying to figure out how to change.  I know I just have to take the bull by the horns and do it but I have this stubborn part of me that can’t let go of things.

This morning my mom called me just to chat (take note I had worked 16+ hours yesterday).  Within minutes of the conversation we were at each other’s throats.  We are both complete Sensitive Sally’s and although we love each other more than words could even express we are both hard headed and do not always know how to respond or react to each other.  I must reiterate how much I love my mom.  I think she is the greatest woman on earth but I believe I am holding in some resentment and some animosity toward her.  I hold these things inside of me because I have not completely accepted myself in all areas yet.  My mom has made comments about my weight, my hair, my style, etc. throughout the years and in the past yes sometimes it was just hurtful.  I know that was not her intention but at the time she didn’t realize how much it bothered me.  Nowadays she knows so she tries to steer clear of saying anything that she knows might hurt my feelings.  I know this but I am still very sensitive and even though she doesn’t always say certain things I assume she is thinking them.  I get caught up in her words and I read into things too much sometimes.  I HAVE to change this about myself and I believe I can, I just have to figure out how.  How do you erase 20+ years of something you have felt and stressed about?  I get anxious and defensive with my mother about a lot of what she says because in a lot of cases I know that what she is saying is right.  She just may not always have the best delivery (that might be something she needs to work on).  I loathed my body growing up and even though I don’t absolutely love it now but I accept it and embrace it as best as I can and it gets easier everyday.  I knew I had to change or my path would be completely self-destructive.  I look back at my life and I see that if I would have continued with certain patterns that life would have been nothing but one disappointment and heartbreak after another.

Yes, people can change if that is what they want in life.  I will say it again like I said it a million times (and a lot of people disagree but it is one thing I know I am 100% right about).  How you feel is your choice.  If you want to be happy that is your choice.  If you want to be unhappy that is your choice.  If you want to be angry that is your choice.  Is it really fair to blame anyone or anything else for YOUR feelings?  If you answered yes then you might need take a look at your circumstances and see how many times you have blamed someone else for how YOU are feeling.  There is nothing wrong with feeling sadness or anger when circumstances bring that on but those are YOUR feelings….they are nothing that you can place blame on someone or something else for.  Once I realized this I saw my life change in a very drastic way.  I looked back and saw the many times I placed blames on people, places or things for how I felt.  I let something or someone else control me and in my opinion that is not how life should work.

Everything here is strictly my opinion and my opinions are based on my life experiences.  For the first time in a really long time I feel a true happiness….not a fake, forced one.  I hated fighting with my mom this morning and I cried and I felt sad and angry but I accepted that they were MY emotions and I could not place blame on her anymore for how I felt.  It makes me happy that I have become that type of person.  I gives me a feeling of peace and calm in my life that I have so desperately needed.

Since it is a Saturday and a Holiday I will not go on toooooo long of a rant.  I want to wish my readers an amazing day and hope that you always know that the changes you want to make are completely possible….it makes take some of the hardest work you have ever had to do in your life but I know you have it in you.  Have a wonderful day, enjoy the weather and always be safe!!!  I send all of my love!