Day 61 Question 61:
Can people change?
It’s St. Patrick’s Day! No booze for this young lady. I saw a friend last night at the restaurant where I work and she asked if I was still on the no drinking think and when I did the math I realized it has been 16 months since I have drank. I will rock out a non-alcoholic beer every once in a while but it has been a loooong time since any alcohol (besides the teeny weeny bit in the O’Douls) has been inside my body. It is pretty wild. I honestly can’t really see going back to drinking (no I was not an alcoholic-haha) because I have seen life in a different way and I like this way better. Hindsight really is 20/20 because for me I saw that drinking really had no advantages. I would always end up with a “want to shoot myself in the face” hangover and on some occasions I would just get emotional or feel depressed the day after drinking. For me it really was a depressant that took a hold of me. In 16 months I have not had to suffer through the 24+ hour hangover or have to make those phone calls apologizing for my stupid actions. I never had to ask others what my dumb ass did because I drank too much. I was completely capable to drinking in moderation or just having 1 or 2 in a social setting but I just decided I wanted a challenge and just get rid of it all together. My original goal was to quit for 4-5 months and once I met that goal I figured why start now????
I refer to this part of my life because with the question of whether people can change I would have to say yes. I believe we are built in certain ways and change can be extremely difficult at times but it is completely possible. Change can only be accomplished though if that is what you truly want. Real change is not something that can be faked. You can’t just try to convince yourself that you are changed because that is what you want. I have aspects of my life that I am still trying to figure out how to change. I know I just have to take the bull by the horns and do it but I have this stubborn part of me that can’t let go of things.
This morning my mom called me just to chat (take note I had worked 16+ hours yesterday). Within minutes of the conversation we were at each other’s throats. We are both complete Sensitive Sally’s and although we love each other more than words could even express we are both hard headed and do not always know how to respond or react to each other. I must reiterate how much I love my mom. I think she is the greatest woman on earth but I believe I am holding in some resentment and some animosity toward her. I hold these things inside of me because I have not completely accepted myself in all areas yet. My mom has made comments about my weight, my hair, my style, etc. throughout the years and in the past yes sometimes it was just hurtful. I know that was not her intention but at the time she didn’t realize how much it bothered me. Nowadays she knows so she tries to steer clear of saying anything that she knows might hurt my feelings. I know this but I am still very sensitive and even though she doesn’t always say certain things I assume she is thinking them. I get caught up in her words and I read into things too much sometimes. I HAVE to change this about myself and I believe I can, I just have to figure out how. How do you erase 20+ years of something you have felt and stressed about? I get anxious and defensive with my mother about a lot of what she says because in a lot of cases I know that what she is saying is right. She just may not always have the best delivery (that might be something she needs to work on). I loathed my body growing up and even though I don’t absolutely love it now but I accept it and embrace it as best as I can and it gets easier everyday. I knew I had to change or my path would be completely self-destructive. I look back at my life and I see that if I would have continued with certain patterns that life would have been nothing but one disappointment and heartbreak after another.
Yes, people can change if that is what they want in life. I will say it again like I said it a million times (and a lot of people disagree but it is one thing I know I am 100% right about). How you feel is your choice. If you want to be happy that is your choice. If you want to be unhappy that is your choice. If you want to be angry that is your choice. Is it really fair to blame anyone or anything else for YOUR feelings? If you answered yes then you might need take a look at your circumstances and see how many times you have blamed someone else for how YOU are feeling. There is nothing wrong with feeling sadness or anger when circumstances bring that on but those are YOUR feelings….they are nothing that you can place blame on someone or something else for. Once I realized this I saw my life change in a very drastic way. I looked back and saw the many times I placed blames on people, places or things for how I felt. I let something or someone else control me and in my opinion that is not how life should work.
Everything here is strictly my opinion and my opinions are based on my life experiences. For the first time in a really long time I feel a true happiness….not a fake, forced one. I hated fighting with my mom this morning and I cried and I felt sad and angry but I accepted that they were MY emotions and I could not place blame on her anymore for how I felt. It makes me happy that I have become that type of person. I gives me a feeling of peace and calm in my life that I have so desperately needed.
Since it is a Saturday and a Holiday I will not go on toooooo long of a rant. I want to wish my readers an amazing day and hope that you always know that the changes you want to make are completely possible….it makes take some of the hardest work you have ever had to do in your life but I know you have it in you. Have a wonderful day, enjoy the weather and always be safe!!! I send all of my love!