Day 66 Question 66:
Are you a good friend?
We live in this world that has become so “politically correct”. Well you know what, I can use discretion but I HATE having to walk on eggshells day in and day out because I might say something to offend someone. I believe we lose all morality and all honesty of who we are as people when we constantly stroke people’s egos or candy coat our feelings. God forbid we offend someone by telling the truth. You may wonder why I bring this up when the question at hand is whether or now I am a good friend. Well I do believe friendship and honesty do go hand in hand and like relationships and love I do believe sometimes friendships are forced. I believe friendships are much easier and much more immediately natural flowing that romantic relationships but sometimes there is an uneasiness. Ultimately, no one wants to be alone in life (well some might but I think they would be outnumbered) and sometimes we are forced into life situations (especially as we get older…and still remind single) in which we want to make friends and meet new people but the pickins are pretty slim. I am not implying that we must be particular and picky when making friends but just like a romantic relationship you want to have friends that you TRULY care about….people that you would drop everything for….people you bond with…cry with…laugh with…I think you know what I mean. There comes a time though, that just like orgasms, we fake it. We force friendships in order to not be alone or to simply have someone to do something with. I have done this at different times in my life. It has taken me 33 years to see that there was no benefit to doing this and beating myself up for not particularly caring for certain people (don’t get me wrong, I did not say dislike, I just mean not being able to share interests or feel any sort of connection to the other person) is no longer worth it. I don’t believe time is really wasted often (as long as you are learning a lesson) but I do believe that knowingly befriending someone/people that you just share no common ground with or feel any sort of comfort with is definitely a waste of time.
For me it has taken a long journey to really start finding myself and accepting everything that I am. For the first time (probably since early childhood) I have felt at ease and even proud of who I am as a person. I am seeing life and opportunities in a different way now and I am able to hold onto the beautiful person that I am no matter what others may think or say about me. Other people have no control over my life…I am the only one that has that power. Everything I am writing about does tie into the question I am answering. Am I a good friend? Yes, I do believe I am. Have I always been a good friend? Nope, I certainly have not. There will come times in the future where I am destined to fuck up a friendship or hurt a friend’s feelings for whatever the reason may be. I look at those things as life…we must have downs in order to appreciate the up’s. I do not want to go on a big rant by bragging about myself and state the zillions of reasons that make me a good friend. It is quite simple…my intentions are always sincere, always genuine, and always heart-felt. What I feel inside of me day in and day out is the urge to continually better myself and try to make the best choices that I can (not everyday I do) and for someone that I consider a real and true friend I would do anything for them. I try my hardest with people that I feel an honest connection with. I believe I am a polite and very friendly person but I will admit that I do not put a lot of effort into people that I have no common ground to share or those that I just don’t feel any sense of ease with.
Friends have come and gone throughout my life. As time passes life changes. I am 33 years old and still single with no children (I am the Carrie Bradshaw of 2012-well before the movies ;0) As most of you would guess a lot of people my age have gone down the married with children path. I will not say that singles and couples can’t be friends but I will say that in a lot of cases there is a shift in the dynamic of the relationship. I have married friends but they are not the friends that I hang out with regularly. I choose not to hang out with them because (to be completely honest-I am only speaking for my situation btw) a lot of them treat me like an outsider. I get looked upon like the single, wild party girl that in their eyes just hasn’t grown up and settled down yet (I haven’t drank alcohol in 16 months—trust me I am far from a party girl anymore). I get the looks of pity and the “oh he will come along when you least expect it” or “you should meet so and so” comments. What a lot of them don’t understand is that marriage and children are not my top priorities in life. I look at both of those things as “If it happens it happens.” This attitude has caused a divide in different relationships because when people’s values differ so does their common ground. I believe it is so true that you can have a lot of acquaintances in your life but true friends usually only come in maybe a small handful. Friendship is usually a weeding out process. Just recently I discovered a “friend” had unfriended me on Facebook. I then realized we never were really close friends…we were acquaintances. I never got to any point with her in which I felt comfortable. I never felt like I could pick up the phone at anytime just to talk to her or ask her advice on something. I am unsure of why she “unfriended” me. She has become a Bible banger and if she has read anything I have written then she has probably learned that I am not a church going Christian. Maybe she believes she should not mingle with sinners like me (again, why I question Christianity). I don’t know I could be totally off base. Neither of us really put in the effort for what I believe two people should if the friendship is the real deal. I don’t dislike her because of this. I would always treat her with respect and kindness if our paths crossed. I am a good friend, even if sometimes I say or do the wrong thing, because I accept people for who they are (it may not come initially-I may make snap judgments but I always come back to realizing people’s lives are different than mine).
In answer to the question of whether or not I am a good friend I would have to say yes. I say yes because I realize that people are going to make mistakes and at some point or another do something to fuck up the friendship (hopefully it is only a momentary fuck up) and I believe it forgiveness whole-heartedly (if the person is genuinely sorry). I have talked about my friends behind their backs and done things I should not have done and I have asked for forgiveness. In some cases I have been forgiven and in others I have not. I am a good friend because I allow people room to learn and to grow. I may not be there each and every moment I am needed because I am caught up in my own life but those that are my true and genuine friends are always in my heart and they will know that. I am willing to see past someone’s antics and bad decisions if they are willing to see past mine. I believe that is what friendship is really about. Friendship comes with this level of comfort that is there almost immediately. You don’t get to that level with just anyone…that is why I say real friendships come in only small handfuls.
I know sometimes I tend to complicate things. Actually no I am just being who I am and I love to analyze and thing about things in depth. Not everyone understands this and not everyone would want to befriend me because of this. I admit to having a hard time being friends that seem to me to be superficial and “on the surface”. I am not the type of girl that wants to talk about boys and shoes all of the time. I am not throwing a dig out there at the girls that are those types…I am just stating that the chances of us meshing into any sort of friendship would probably be slim to none. I am a good friend because my words are honest. I may not always say them in vocal word but at some point or another I always say them. I am not confrontational and this can be a negative or a positive…it would just depend on the friendship I guess. I have shaped, molded and shifted throughout my many years and finally I am at peace with who I am. I will never stop changing and I will constantly be seeking out more knowledge but what makes me the most sincere (which I think is the key to being a good friend) is that I have an immense amount of goodness and compassion in my heart. I really do want good things to happen for other people. When I love and when I care…I love with everything in me. I may feel awkward and uncomfortable showing it (that is just how I am) but my true friends know that about me. They never need to question how I feel about them. I am an open book.
P.S. I had to throw this in here because I caught some shit from leaving out someone in another entry (my favorite music). TRACEY MOORE-I had you sitting in the front of my mind when I wrote this entry. Love you mean it!!!