It's a New Day…

Day 109 Question 109:

What habit are you having a hard time breaking?

I can’t quite put my finger on what I want to write about today.  I am actually quite tired.  I have spent the week accomplishing a lot and exerting a lot of physical energy and my body is just in rest.  I would love for my mind to be in rest mode too but that is just not who I am.

The habit of constantly planning and making to do lists and planning about a million years ahead is something that no matter how hard I try I just cannot seem to break.  I may ease my body for a little bit but I just cannot let my mind go and enjoy the laziness and the simplicity.  The meditations are a HUGE help but my desire for more knowledge and wanting to be a part of a million projects sometimes just catches up with me.  At this current time I am researching Spanish lessons (Rosetta Stone, Pimsleur method) because I would really like to start learning a second language.  I am researching for my unit 5 paper that is due on Sunday May 13^th (I will have this done in advance because I am not at all a procrastinator nowadays).  I am planning times to workout this weekend and what workouts I want to do.  I am beyond happy in life and I love my enthusiasm and drive and I honestly feel like I have a great balance.  I am in a healthy place both mentally and physically.  I just need to force myself to sometimes just slow down…everyone needs a break in life.  I just have the worst habit of feeling guilty when I decide to be lazy…because in my head there is always something productive I could be doing.  I could be cleaning.  I could be working ahead on assignments.  I could be researching organizations and sending out resumes/portfolios.  I could be researching topics for upcoming blog entries.  I could be watching documentaries on subjects that interest me.  I could be reading.  I could be grocery shopping.

This life has been flying by and I have such a desire to absorb as much as I possibly can.  I know in order to do this that I need to give my body and mind proper rest and if that requires a lazy day or two then I should do that.   Why is it that I am unable to give myself that permission?  Does anyone else have the same problem?  How do you deal with it?  I pretty much know my answer but I just can’t seem to step out of this comfort zone….I can’t seem to overcome the guilt I feel when I am not being productive.  I have quite smoking (10 yrs ago-cold turkey), I stopped drinking (18 months ago), I have lost 65lbs and continue to go strong, I workout 4-5 times a week and I have changed my lifestyle drastically.  I meditate twice a day which has given me a lot more energy both physically and creatively (it has also alleviated so much of my anxiety and nervousness).  I have changed my entire lifestyle for what I believe is the better and the healthier.  Why am I unable to just slow down?  I am almost starting to think that I am repressing something that I just am unable to pull forward.

This entry answered a question but I decided to write it to ask for advice.  If you ever experience this, how do you handle it?  How do you think I should handle it??  I would love any words of wisdom (as I am always looking for words of wisdom).  Happiness has found me but I don’t want to wear myself out when I should be taking time to just rest.  Thank you for any and all advice :0)

Day 108 Question 108:

Are you able to forgive yourself?

This is a strange, wide-open question.  A question that most people wouldn’t really know how to answer.  I chose this question because while meditating I have this surge of thoughts.  Yes, I know, most people believe that when you meditate that you are supposed to be free of all thoughts.  Well thoughts are natural.  You can’t stop them if you wanted to and the harder you try the more you think.  So anyhooooooooooo, I have come to realize that a lot of the time during my meditations I will think about things that haven’t entered my mind in several years.  Today I started to think about myself during the college years.  I thought about how I acted and what kind of person I was.  I have never been a bad person and I had a great time in college but my actions definitely could have stood some improvement.  I was this desperate girl back in the day seeking attention.  I always felt like I was never pretty enough or good enough so I tried waaaayyyyy too hard with people.

It is now 2012 and this person I have spoken of no longer exists.  I have absolutely forgiven myself.  I made mistakes and I was able to forgive myself and move forward.  It took me a long time to get here but I made it.  Forgiving oneself is never easy though.  It takes a lot of courage and a lot of change within onself….it has to be something you really want.  I am not proud of all of my actions of the past but what I have learned is that these actions do not define me.  The only thing that defines me is the person I am right here and right now and the person at this present moment is the person I love the most.  In the past I was never able to look at myself and see a person that I liked.  I was caught up with my physical appearance and comparing myself to others and wishing I was one way or another.  I always felt like I was not good enough or successful enough.  I felt worthless.  After my last breakup it hit me like a ton of bricks that I had never been able to love myself and that was a life I no longer wanted to live.  My evolution of change started the very day that I made this realization.  Instead of blaming myself for all of my mistakes in the past I forgave myself and chose to learn from them.  I think about who I was then and that person is almost like a ghost to me.  I know she existed but I cannot feel her anymore.  I am unable to think those negative thoughts anymore.  I am unable to let circumstances and people control me anymore because I learned one HUGE lesson….everything in life is a choice.  If I want to be happy that is my choice.  If I want to be unhappy that is my choice.  The latter just doesn’t seem like a smart choice…actually it is not even an option anymore.  Once I realized that how I felt and my thoughts were MY choice, I turned off the negative.  I turned off the manipulation.  I turn off the self-loathing.  I turned off the pity party.  These things are so unnatural to me now.

In the past I have hurt others and I have chosen (even if it is way past the fact) to apologize and take ownership of my actions.  I feel twinges of embarrassment for my past behaviors and actions but they do not define.  Instead they make me proud because I am able to see how far I have come in life.  It took me a long time to realize that I had been living through everyone else’s standards and criteria and I reached my 30’s and I had felt like I hadn’t accomplished as much as I should have at this age.  I felt like being a full time nanny was a fluff job in the eyes of other people.  It then dawned on me that it is not a fluff job at all.  Nothing about my life is fluff.  I started to think about my accomplishments and the person that I am to this very day and I realized that there is nothing minimal about what I have done with my life.  I have worked jobs that have helped people in bettering their lives.  I have worked with single mothers and have had them thank me and even hug me because I get them hope for a better life.  I have stood on the grounds of my state house representing the children of the state of SC.  I have traveled to several states and have been to trainings and classes to improve my knowledge on issues that are important to me.  I stopped drinking 18 months ago….not because I had a problem….but because I wanted a better life and better health for me.  I have lost about 65lbs and I am still working really hard everyday to improve my body and my health.  I tell the people that I care about that I love them as often as I can.  In my free time I read about things that peak my interest and I try to become more knowledgeable on important world issues.  I watch documentaries.  I laugh as much as I can and I try to make people smile because in a world this fast-paced I think it is necessary.  In my opinion, these are not insignificant things.  My life is right where is should be.

I asked if I am able to forgive myself and I say yes but in truth there really is nothing to forgive.  I accept who I was and I accept and love who I am now.  Everything has been a journey to get me to this place right here and right now.  There is nothing more beautiful than that.  There is no point regretting or feeling guilt for our past actions.  The past does not exist…it is an illusion.  I found my soulmate in life….he is a gay…but he is still my soulmate.  I would marry him tomorrow strictly for the companionship I care so deeply about because we have a connection on every other level except sexually.  In my opinion I am truly lucky for that.  I am lucky for the friendships that I have and the people that have shown me a world outside of my own.

I wrote this entry because I think a lot about other people.  I think about how I hate the thought of other people suffering….even people I share no common ground with or do not understand.  Hatred comes to easy for people and I think so many people need to forgive themselves and then they may be able to get rid of some of their hatred and anger.  Mistakes in life are inevitable but we can choose to forgive ourselves for those mistakes and move on….and we should also realize that others are going to make mistakes (mistakes that could hurt us) but we should forgive them.  Forgiveness has this amazing healing power….as super cheesy as it sounds.  I wrote this entry to reach out to people (as I do in a lot of my posts) because I don’t want you to feel sadness and I don’t want you to feel pain.  This life is a beautiful thing and if I could help you to see that, even through just my words, then I would love to do that for you.

Day 107 Question 107:

What do you think of youth in today’s society?

So yesterday my sister called me when I was on my way to the gym.  She told me she had some news about my old high school in NY.  A couple that my sister went to high school with had a daughter together (the couple didn’t stay together) and on Sunday night this 16 year old girl committed suicide.  My sister didn’t know the details but to her understanding the young girl had attempted suicide before (I am not sure how many times).  My sister and I talked for quite a while and both of us have had our bouts with bad anxiety but we both agreed that suicide had never been an option….not even during the hardest times of it.  I said to her, “What could be going through the mind of a 16 year old girl for her to take her own life?”  I would be almost certain that an investigation will be done to make sure that any form of bullying was not part of the cause.

I started to think about youth today and all that they face.  I started to think back to when I taught Teen Outreach Program classes (7-12^th graders) and how different those kids seemed to be from the way me and my classmates were.  I could be in complete denial though and when you are those ages you really have no idea how you are acting.  This is not a pity party for the youth of today.  This is me believing the capabilities that these young people have…..the thing is….a lot of them don’t know what gifts they have.  It takes a long time for the human brain to fully mature.  It is rare to find a middle or high school student that acts completely mature….even the smartest kid in the class doesn’t always exhibit the best social skills.  Youth are awkward because they are changing.  They are unsure who to follow….hell I am 33 and I am still unsure of exactly what I think and feel about everything.  I never thought I would want to work with youth (especially the middle school age youth) because I always found them to be defiant, rude and they just never seemed to absorb anything.  I then realized that this was the age group that needed the most support and the most mentoring.  I thought about who and how I was at those ages and I would have done anything to have had some positive role models in my life to guide me in finding my passions and to make me truly believe that looks and weight do not make me who I am.

I think the youth of today face many challenges and with the rapid advancement in technology and the media harassing us and telling us how we have to look and act there will be difficulties…..but I have a lot of HOPE!!!  Our youth are our future leaders and although they may be snarky, they really have a lot of drive. I could say they are lazy because of all of the technology but so are a lot of adults!  The youth have a crazy amount of potential….they just need a push.  I truly belief that in your tween/teen years you are molded in a big way and your self-esteem is in overdrive….whether your outlook be positive or negative.  At these ages kids need to hear the truth and I will always support in your face learning but they also need reassurance and they need to know all that is good about them….because they may never know.

I have 2 nephews (9 and 11) and they are like night and day.  The 11 year old is a determined, born leader and the 9 year old is a free-spirit dreamer.  I am sure you can guess which one gives my sister and brother in law a run for their money ;0)  Although they are different they both have these amazing qualities about them.  The 9 year old may not be able to focus all of the time but he has this natural curiosity about him.  I don’t get to see them often at all because 1000 miles lie between us :0(  The last time I did though was Easter of 2010.  I remember sitting in the computer room of my parent’s house.  We had the pull out couch pulled out and him and I were sitting on the bed (mind you he would have only been 7..almost 8 at that time) and I just started to talk to him.  I asked him questions about his life and I asked him about his interests and what made him happy.  We talked for about 25 minutes with no interruptions and one would have never even realized there was a 24 year age gap between the 2 of us.  I got down to his level and showed interest in him and he loved it.  He is a kid that needs extra attention and love….he has the sensitive gene that runs in our family.  He is so lucky to have the big family that he does with so many cousins and aunts and uncles around (even though at times he loves to just do things by himself) because some kids don’t have that at all.  Other kids don’t have the love that they deserve at home…they are treated like a piece of furniture….they exist but don’t serve much of a purpose.  ALL KIDS MATTER….ALLL YOUTH MATTER!!!

My other nephew, the 11 year old, is a beautiful child.  I tell my sister and my mother all of the time that I hope he holds onto the qualities that he has for the rest of his life.  This kid is so driven and so passionate.  He plays baseball and he was elected president of his school homeroom, he is a Boy Scout and plans to continue until he is an Eagle Scout.  Being his age and working his way through middle school and into high school, he could easily start having a big head but this kid is so grounded.  This kid has such a good head on his shoulders.  This kid cares so much for other people and he would give the shirt of his back if a friend was in a bind.  This kid will be a success in life….I don’t have a doubt in my mind.  He may succeed financially but that will be insignificant because his modesty will always shine.  I don’t say these words simply because I am biased either.  I can spot a natural born leader from a mile away….no matter age, color or status.

It would be easy to say that youth are doomed.  It would be easy to say that youth are just a bunch of lazy kids that feel entitled to everything.  It would be easy to just brush this age group under the rug and wait to deal with them again when they are adults.  I don’t see it that way though.  I can’t lie and say that some youth haven’t driven me up the wall and their sense of entitlement has made me want to scream and shake that whole attitude out of them….but that would be too easy and would solve nothing.  I ache to work with youth.  I ache to talk to groups of young girls and tell them how beautiful they are and find out their strengths.  I ache to be a part of these young people pursuing dreams that they never thought possible.  I ache to be a mentor and a role model to a kid(s) that thought they were unimportant and realized what gifts they really hold within themselves.

I was unsure of what direction this blog entry was going to go when I started writing it.  I am saddened that a young girl took her own life and was unable to receive the guidance she needed (not blaming anyone…people may have not even known).  The world can be a scary place that can swallow you up and as a youth/teen it can be extremely difficult.  Kids are cruel and bullying has ran far too rampant.  We, as adults, have a responsibility to set good examples.  Talking about bullying and talking about sex is never going to be comfortable or our favorite subject to talk about with youth (knowing they are going to squirm and roll their eyes) but it is necessary.  We don’t live in a world of saints.  As adults we don’t need to spill our life story to kids/teens but why not show them they we are human????  As adults we can motivate and we can encourage.  We can show kids the world….even if it is through a computer screen or by artifacts from our past.  There is no simple solution to make kids act in a certain way but we all have the opportunity to be a big part of their lives during this significant period of growing up…even when we just want them to go away because of their sassy mouths and bad attitudes.  I speak as if I am a parent and I am not but it does not lessen my love for people at all.  I want everyone…big and small…to experience the deepest level of happiness possible with pain being minimal.  Pain is inevitable and heartache is inevitable but there are a million opportunities to prevent these things….just  by offering kindness instead of ridicule.  We should never crush a child’s dream or force them into anything….why make a mold of ourself when we can help shape a completely unique individual.

I hope my words have tugged a little bit at your heart strings…especially if you have children in this age range.  I hope you take the time to tell them you love them every day and remind them of all of the special things about themselves….because even though they may not act like it….they need it.  :0)

Day 106 Question 106:

Why are your thoughts on racism?  White supremacy?  Ethnicity?

So yesterday I took in a lot.  I read a lot and I researched a lot.  I filled my mind all day with new concepts and learned a whole lot.  I have days like that….days where I feel like I can’t possibly absorb as much knowledge as I would like.  If sleep weren’t a requirement in order to function normally then I would spend day in and day out trying to absorb everything I could about this world.

For my Graduate class I always try to stay ahead of the game.  My work schedule keeps me so busy and when I am off on the weekends I like to enjoy that time and not feel pressured to have to do school work.  For next week a discussion that we are having involves the topic of racism.  Part of the assignment was to watch segments from a documentary called The Color of Fear.  I looked everywhere in hopes of finding the entire documentary but everything I found stated that to buy it a copy would cost $150 or more.  I am unsure why this documentary is so expensive but nonetheless I watched the segments that were available through my school website.  The documentary shows a group of males (7 or 8) of them and the males are Black, White, Asian, and Mexican.  The entire documentary discusses the hardships of each race and how each race is affected by the others.  I have to admit that I had a very hard time watching even just these few segments because to be completely honest I felt like the white man was treated unfairly.  I understand that the white man is the majority and I understand that other races have gone through some horrible things (at the hand of the white man) but we are now in the year 2012 and racism occurs on all ends.  This man was yelled at by the black man and was told that he could never understand what it is to be black and the white man stated that he never had feelings like he was better than anyone else, no matter race gender or creed.  He just looked at everyone as human beings.  The black man attacked him by saying, “You believe that by everyone being human beings, means everyone should act white!”  I just couldn’t wrap my brain around this.  They kept barking at him that they hoped that they could come to a common group and reach the same goal but I could not figure out what the goal was.  They were unwilling to understand where he was coming from and believed the white man is the oppressor and this man could not even define what it means to be white but they expected him to take on their point of view and find truth in their words.  There was no common ground to be found.

I got so worked up during this documentary (just the segments mind you) because I felt like I was thrown into a group of people that does not represent ME. I understand that several years ago black people were slaves to the white people….but I, myself have never been part of this.  I do not condone this behavior.  I look at everyone as people.  We all have air in our lungs.  We all have feelings and emotions and so much to share with each other but instead people choose to live through a victim mentality.  I called my dad and this is what I said, “Dad, this might be a stupid question, but is it possible for black people or Mexicans or Asians to be racist or are another white people technically racists because we are the majority in this country?”  I asked this question because in viewing this documentary I felt like the white man was beaten down for things that were in the past….things he had absolutely no control over.  I am sorry but I am so beyond the victim mentality….I don’t care what color/ethnicity/nationality you are.  If you want something then fight for it.  What even boggles my mind is the blatant racism within our own races.  Life goes so far beyond the color of a person’s skin.  I have heard far too many times black people refer to themselves as a “N” word (yes I have enough respect to not even type the word because it is a disgusting and disgraceful term) as a term of endearment.  Two men can call each other that and it gives them a sense of “brotherhood”.  REALLY?????????  This was a term coined during a time when this group of people was oppressed in a manner that they were barely considered human and now it is being used as a term of endearment???  Something just doesn’t seem to add up to me there?

Yes, I am a white female.  Yes I am in the majority in this country.  I, however refuse to see all of the differences between people because of their color, race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc.  I choose to see opportunity for understanding.  If someone wants to point their finger and tell me that I will never understand then that is their choice….I will always ask the questions and I will always lend my ear to be educated.  If you look at me as being the oppressor then you are judging me unfairly because you are not allowing me to be an individual.  You are making me a number….a number that is one of millions.  I am sorry but two wrongs don’t make a right in my book.  ALL people should be treated with kindness and respect.  I know that is a pipe dream but this whole race argument is getting really old in my book.  Jewish people were sent to concentration camps and were brutally murdered just for the fact that they were Jewish.  These people were treated like lab rats.  I read a story once about how a group was used in an experiment.  They had different bones removed from their legs to see if they would regenerate.  If that is not inhumane I do not know what is????

It breaks my heart that we still have arguments like this and that people are unable to see beyond the color of the skin.  I work in a restaurant that has this beautiful diversity and my co-workers are my family.  I love them for what they have been able to teach me about their cultures but that is not the main reason I love them.  I love them for their kindness and their open hearts….they never saw the color of my skin or saw me as the majority or as the oppressor.  They saw the goodness in my heart and my desire for friendships.  Anyone can be a victim if they want to be but anyone can also be a hero.  There is no question as to which one I would choose.  We can bitch and moan about what happens in this country and how different races are treated but there is no comparison as to what happens in other countries.  I would fear having a female child in some other countries knowing that she could be sold into slavery before she is even a teenager, brutally raped before she even has her own period, never able to receive education because she is considered worthless in her country (as most females are).  I have a problem with the victim mentality in this country because I know what goes on in other countries…those are the real victims.  In the book, Half the Sky that  just finished there was a piece that talked about a 3 year old girl that was raped and because she was now considered unclean her father put a gun up her vagina and fired it.  She survived but there was so much internal damage that this girl would be bed-ridden the rest of her life and would never be able to have functioning bowels or kidneys.  Also, the healthcare in Africa is not exactly exceptional so just imagine the pain and the infections this young girl endured.  That is what a real victim is!!!!  When I start to think my life is so unfair and so terrible, these are the stories that I think of.

We are people.  We all have the capability for good and kindness.  Some people just choose not to ever use those capabilities.  Some people are brainwashed by their own people.  Yes I do know life as a white person and I am proud to be white but I have been ashamed many times of people from my race….not my race as a whole.  Where we stand on the issues does not have to do with the color of our skin….it has to do with what we feel in our hearts.  Some whites have been trained to hate Blacks, some blacks have been trained to hate whites, some whites have been trained to hate Mexicans and so on and so forth……BUT some groups have also been trained to hate “their own kind”.  Violence occurs every single day between members of the same race.  The white man has killed another white man for some reason or another.  Watch the news and see gang riots in Chicago and all of the participants are black males.  There are stereotypes of about every race and every group.  Whites are rednecks.  Blacks are thugs.  Mexicans steal.  Muslims are terrorists.  The actions of one or a few should not represent an entire group of people….THAT IS JUST UNFAIR!!!!

I can’t write anymore because this subjects just breaks me.  This subject makes my heart hurt because this subject is pulling humanity apart and more than anything I would love to see more people brought together.  There is too much blame being placed on people and too many victims.  I hope those that read this are able to look within themselves and look at those around them and stop seeing color and just start seeing opportunity….opportunity for friendships…opportunity for love….opportunity for knowledge…opportunity for PEACE!

Day 105 Question 105:

Should gays be able to marry?  Adopt children?

I have written a lot of entries with the subject being homosexuality and their rights.  It is a subject I feel very passionately about and it is a subject that is constantly getting nationwide media attention.  I have to answer this question straight out….ABSOLUTELY YES!!!  This is a discussion I have had with my dad quite a few times and we do not agree on this subject.  It is actually quite weird to me the way my dad thinks about it.  About a week ago we were having dinner and the subject came up.  We bantered back and forth and I know my dad gets flustered with my way of thinking sometimes….i.e.  I don’t think marriage is the solution and just because 2 people have children does not mean they should have to get married.  Well anyhow, my dad has no problem with people being gay (even though I know he would not love it if I were to come home and say I am…he would accept me though) but he does not believe that they should be able to get married.  He believes that civil unions are fine for them but that marriage is meant for a man or a woman.  I asked him, “According to who?  The Bible?  God?”  He kind of sat there caught up in his words because like me, my dad is agnostic.  He does not get wrapped up in religion and he stands pretty much on the same ground as I do.  I pointed this out to him and he still just said it is meant for a man or a woman.  It confused me how he was following the “rules” of the Bible (which in my opinion can and has been lost in translation for several years) but he is not at all a religious person.  He believes that MAYBE there is some sort of higher power but there is not a God that he prays to or a church that he attends.  Just like me he focuses on bettering himself and does not look to any higher power for guidance.   I let him have his beliefs and we moved onto another subject.  This topic still sat with me for a while though.

The day I was talking to my parents I told them that right now in my life I am really starting to feel balanced and I am starting to really understand who I am as a person.  I know more about where I stand on the issues.  The reason I know these things now is because I feel them.  I know I know that sounds weird but I explained it to my parents by telling them that when I make decisions I go by what the feeling inside of me is telling me.  My decisions though are strictly right for me….they may not be the right decisions for everyone.  In every part of my being I feel that people are born gay.  One of my dearest friends in the world is a gay male and one day I asked him outright if he believes that he was born gay and his answer was, “Without a doubt!”  He told me that he knew that this was not something that was a choice for him….there was nothing that influenced him to “become gay”.  He said he knew from when he was very young that he was attracted to boys.  With how cruel this world is, I don’t believe that anyone would really choose to be gay.

With this being MY blog I HAVE to be completely honest in how I feel.  What I feel makes up who I am.  The way I feel brings me to a natural state of being….a place of absolute truth and genuineness.  I believe in gay marriage and gay adoption because I believe all people on this earth deserve to be treated equal.  We have the Constitution and all of this laws and regulations that state that this country represents freedom and equality but in truth it really does not.  This country is made up of people picking and choosing what we can believe and what we can practice.  No matter what the majority always rules.  My very dear friend that I mentioned above is one of the best people I have ever met in my 33 years of life.  This man would give the shirt of his back to a random stranger if he felt that they were in need.  He has a kindness and a sincerity that draws people to him.  I have told him time and time again that I wish more people in the world could be like him.  He is positive, hilarious, intelligent and caring.  I adore him with everything in me and even though he is 8 years younger than me, I look up to him.  I admire all of his qualities and his strengths and I strive to be like him because he (in my eyes) continues to grow and becomes more and more successful as a person each and every time I see him.  With all of this being said, I am disgusted that he is unable to have the same opportunities for marriage and potentially children that I do.  This is a man that (hands down) would treat his partner with respect and love until death did them part.  He would put straight couples to shame because he understands what it means to love someone and to treat them right.  He should not be stripped of the joy of marriage simply because he chooses a partner of the same gender.  Not allowing 2 people that are deeply in love to get married or potentially adopt children is just IGNORANT.

I shy away from religion so much for a variety of reasons.  I find religion to have so many barriers and so many rules and limitations.  I, myself, am a person that will accept people no matter what their race, creed, gender, status or sexual orientation is.  Of course I have judged people and I will do it again many times before I die but I have never hated someone based on who they are or believed someone should be stripped of the same rights and priveledges that I have simply because we are two “different” people.  I find that many religions tend to do this.  I once passed by a church a few months back on my way to my parents.  On the sign outside it read :GAY MARRIAGE MAY BE LEGAL IN VERMONT BUT IT IS STILL ILLEGAL IN THE BIBLE!  I had to turn around and pass by it again to make sure I read it right.  My idea of the church while I was growing up was a place of safety and security.  The church was supposed to be this place where ANYONE could go and be welcome and receive no judgment.  In becoming an adult I have found this to be a complete fantasy.  I know I am stepping on some toes with these words and I know not all churches are like this….but I am having a hard time getting this bad taste out of my mouth.

It saddens me that we live in this world that is so far from being equal.  I have decided to practice meditation and become heavily involved in the human services field because I want to be a part of the solution and not part of the problem.  I may be only one voice but I want my voice to represent equality and love and drive to make this world just a little bit kinder.  I am not saying everyone has to love everyone or understand everyone…it comes down to acceptance.  You may believe that homosexuality is a “sin” but in truth all of us are sinners in some way or another.  If no one is being harmed then just accept people.  If you encounter gay people and they are doing nothing to hurt you, offend you or harm you then why not accept them….maybe even potentially befriend them….why not go out of your comfort zone and pride yourself on accepting even more people into your life and hope that you AND them live a long life of happiness and goodness.  To me, it is that simple.  People are people….happiness is the goal for all.  Ignorance is the problem that is not allowing this goal to become a reality.

Again, I must state that my words are never meant to offend.  I speak solely from my own feelings and my thoughts.  I do not believe religion to be a bad thing at all.  I actually admire those for having faith in their beliefs.  It is something that (at least at this time in my life) is just not the right fit.  What I am trying to do here is just express to people as a whole that we are all the same…we are all people….we all have air in our lungs and thoughts in our heads.  Our differences should not drive us apart, they should bring us together.  If we allowed ourselves to jump into the melting pot then we would be able to learn and to understand so much more than we ever have.  I love to think about people asking questions just to learn about who someone else is and where they come from.  I am well known for me super duper inquisitive…the amount of questions I ask could even potentially annoy people.  I will always respect people if it gets to that point but it will not change my curiosity and my desire to know more about the world around me and the paths that others have walked.  I hope these words have made you think….think about who you are and what you represent as a person.  I have when you think about who you are, you are able to see kindness, compassion and empathy because it is these things that have the potential to make the world an even more beautiful place.

I wanted to just add a little sidenote here at the end.  I don’t know if any of you have ever watched Modern Family or not.  If you have not, please check it out somehow (you can find it on www.hulu.com).  There is a gay couple (Cameron and Mitchell) that adopt a baby from Vietnam.  The way their story is portrayed is awesome because the focus is strongly on them being a gay couple but just generally being a couple.  It shows their ups and downs and their comedic twists and how well they work as two people.  Their relationship is so strong and when you watch it (at least for me) you tend to forget that they are a gay couple.  Regardless of that, it is a super awesome show and everyone should watch every single episode :0)

Day 104 Question 104:

When do you find time to reflect? What do you usually reflect about?

Reflection time!  It is Sunday and I have found that sleeping a lot on Sundays comes with quite a bit of ease.  My week is coming to an end and it is as if my body just wants to wind down and relax….and I accept that with pleasure.  I am headed to the pool in a few minutes to get some sun and hopefully turn a shade of less than pastey like I currently am.  I wanted to do a quick entry today because Sunday should hopefully be everyone’s downtime and it should be a time for ease of mind.  I know that is not always the case but I do hope that everyone is able to have at least one day a week or every couple of weeks like that.

My time of reflection includes an absurd amount because as many of you have already guessed….my mind goes a mile a minute.  This used to panic me and worry me but once I accepted this, I started to love this about myself.  There are times when I wish my mind would slow down but if it chooses not to I use it as an opportunity to create as opposed to an opportunity to have an anxiety attack or get upset.  This part of me is the most beautiful part of me because it allows me to give…to give in so many forms.

When I find time to reflect I think about the people in my life (my friends, my family, strangers I have met in random places) and I draw a curiosity in my mind about their lives.  I wonder what they are thinking and feeling and I wonder if we share any of the same thoughts and feelings.  I reflect on love and myself.  I reflect on my true feelings and how my feelings constantly change on this subject.  I am this fiercely independent person that wants to prove to herself that she can do anything on her own but I still have this part of me that has this love to share.  I want to find my male counterpart….my best friend….and although I don’t think I want to ever get married….I want to share my life with this person and hope this person wants to share their life with me.  I have these images of laughter and this ease between 2 people (one of them being myself) and feel that natural state of existence.  Everything in life seems to be falling into place just perfectly (the way it is supposed to be) and the area of romantic love is currently on pause (which I am ok with).

When I find time to reflect I think about the person I was and who I am now and I see this transformation and this pride in how much I have pushed myself.  No one but me has pushed me out of my comfort zone and because of this I have been able to experience the happiness that I always used to talk about.  I write every single day and in the words on the paper I find myself.  I see the artist that I am and I see the ease and the beauty in words and I have found yet another thing to love just that much more.

I didn’t want to make this entry too long because I wanted to enjoy the day and I wanted my readers to enjoy their day.  I just wanted to pass on the opportunity for others to be able to reflect on their lives and themselves and I do hope so much that you are all able to see what beauty there is….even through some of the hardest parts.  Life can see absolutely impossible sometimes and we can conjur up hatred and anger and it is hard to move past these things but it is possible…trust me I am proof of that.  I lived a life that was unnecessarily miserable and when I figured out that my thoughts were my choice, I took complete control and in that small action the world became a completely different and beautiful place.  I hope the same for all of you.  I may not know you but I hope you do not have to experience pain or heart-ache….and if you do I hope it is minimal and isn’t something that controls you.  I hope whatever you reflect on makes you smile and gives you that feeling that all in life is good.  :0)

Have a wonderful Sunday All :0)

Day 103 Question 103:

What kind of affect has the media had on you throughout your life?

The media….IT IS EVERYWHERE!!!  Until I reached my adult years I took media for granted.  I never thought it really had any influence on my life.  Boy was I wrong!  Honestly, the media has shaped me in a lot of ways….some for good and some not so good.  I am a lot more aware of my media intake nowadays….I am able to differentiate between real and make believe.  I am able to make conscious choices and form opinions based on what I read and what I see.  As a young child and a teen, I really never thought about these things.

For many years I struggled with my identity and what I was supposed to look like and how I was supposed to act and to be honest, I believe the media was a huge influence on my way of thinking.  I never understood why my Prince Charming wasn’t coming to take me away and shower me with love.  I honestly believed that the love stories that we saw/see in movies were real (well I still kind of do).  After going on disappointing date after disappointing date and meeting men that were lazy and just dealing with the whole dating scene in general, I realized that love stories like we see in the movies are VERY VERY rare.  These love stories don’t show the dirty details of the relationship and the struggles and the hardships (well in a way they do but never in great detail) and the fights and the battle people have within themselves to make the best decisions.  I realize now that these movies are fictional stories but as a young person I believed that the love that they showed in movies was what all real love was like.  I have yet to experience or witness a love on that kind of level.  Unfortunately my disappointments in the dating world (because of having this high standard and desire for the same sort of relationships I had seen in the movies) has made me closed up when it comes to sharing any form of intimacy with a man.  I believe I will know when it is 100% right for me but I still hold onto a fear because I am still lost between fiction and reality.  The media has molded me into this person.  I realize I make my own choices and decisions and I am not placing blame, I am just saying that the influence of the media and the drama of the film industry has/had influenced me in a way to want something that I am unsure whether or not it is real or attainable.

The media is actually a very tricky thing.  It can be pure evil but it can be a major source of power as well that could get the ball rolling on a movement of some form that could change the world.  Although sometimes I look at things in the media (skinny women, women with perfect teeth, powerful women) and I wish I had those things and I get a little too hung up on image….as of lately I have used the media as a tool to sharpen my mind.  I will space out and watch a sitcom for hours and laugh and smile because I know I need that as part of my day but instead of watching things that only focus on women’s outer beauty (I used to love America’s Next Top Model or reality shows with only skinny, pretty women), I choose to watch the news and form my own opinions about what is going on in society.  I focus on seeing the bigger picture and I have opened up my vision to what is going on far far far outside of me.  The media has helped me research subjects that I find fascinating and it has allowed me to voice my opinions (on this wonderful blog provided by wordpress).  The media has allowed me to connect with old friends (this is a positive and negative because I am working on limiting my Facebook time because I was turning into a junkie) and hear the insights of others.  I am even working on my Masters Degree online which is a blessing for me because I work 60+ hours a week and physically going to school would have been impossible.

Life is this great balancing act for each and every one of us.  Media has become this source that we must learn how to balance in order to use it in a healthy manner.  It is something that could be easily abused and something that many could use for the purposes of evil.  It is even something that could cause great harm.  Media for young people is quite scary.  If you watch the news or read a newspaper (yes the use of media yet again) we have seen this huge jump in the number of teen deaths and teen suicides and the media somehow played a factor.  Kids nowadays are getting bullied not through just vocal words but through various media outlets.  Young girls are being taught that beauty means being stick thing and having perfect features (they don’t realize that so many of these women on the covers of magazines or in photo shoots are airbrushed).  There is a show on TV that seriously gets my blood boiling.  It is called The Secret Life of an American Teenager.  This show is aired during primetime on a basic cable network.  On this show, there have been two teen girls (15 and maybe 16) that have become pregnant and it is as if the pregnancies are being sensationalized.  These young kids are talking about marrying their boyfriends and they talk about sex nonstop.  Everything about this show is wrong!!!!  I understand what goes on in schools nowadays and I believe in In Your Face Learning but the message that this show is throwing out to young kids/teens just disgusts me.  Where is the line between morality and making ratings/money.  Have we become such a money/material crazed world that we stopped caring about what children are exposed to?????  It seems that way to me.  Again though, it is the job of the parents to monitor what their children are exposed to.  This is a double-edged sword though.  Whether we like it or not, there are parents out there that are going to let their kids do what they want and watch what they want.  As I have said a million times over, it takes a village to raise a child.  I, personally, could not be a part of a staff that promoted something that I knew had a great chance of harming children/teens.  Maybe harming is a strong word but the statistics show how easily influenced kids and teens are nowadays….school shootings, attire, attitudes, education levels, peer pressure, etc.

I laugh to myself when I get writing sometimes because in words I type I see so much of my dad in me.  I never thought I would be the type of person to say, “I just don’t understand kids these days.”  Well of course I don’t.  They are of a completely different generation and with how rapidly technology is advancing, I am going to be one of those dinosaurs that no longer knows how to use a computer…hahahaha.  I believe I am quite a liberal person and I believe people need to hear the 100% completely honest truth.  With that being said, there is always a need for discretion and protection as well.  Anything can form a positive impact if it is presented in the right manner.  The modeling industry can be made up of many thin women but if they were to portray curvier women models as well and on top of that focus on their other strengths (educational backgrounds, trades, etc) then young girls may not always be so influenced to try to be skinny as much.  The eating disorder statistics may decrease drastically.  With ups there are downs and with downs there are ups.  The media should show both of these things so young people and adults alike don’t immediately fall into the category of ignorant because of lack of knowledge.  I see the world as this beautiful place with endless opportunities.  I, without a doubt, do not have the answer to all of the world’s problems…I do have a lot of opinions though ;0)  The media is something that could potentially the most powerful tool in the world (if it isn’t already).  I guess what it comes down to is the people driving that media and what their moral values really are.

Thoughts?  Opinions?  Likes?  Dislikes?

Day 102 Question 102:

What are your thoughts on the “OCTOMOM”?

In some of these entries I just babble and in some I can’t get my thoughts quite together to express exactly what I am feeling.  It is as if I can feel the emotions and the thoughts bubbling to the surface but sometimes being able to convey the passion in my words becomes difficult.  There are a bazillion topics that strike my interest and immediately my brain and my emotions go into overdrive and I am not always able to convey exactly what I am feeling or thinking.  I wish people were able to jump in my body at random times when I am having these moments then the lightbulb will go off and they will say, “Ooooooh, I get it.”

Today I have chosen a topic that in some ways is probably superficial.  What my thoughts about the Octomom are have no real significance or impact on the world or on their situation but I still have an opinion and since this blog is called: In My Opinion, I thought what the hell!

I have to be completely honest.  I TRY really hard to see the good in people.  I TRY really hard to understand their situation and see where they are coming from and strive to be understanding because I am not in their shoes BUT with this woman named Nadia Suleman I just have great difficulty feeling any remorse or any compassion for her.  If you are unaware of who this woman is (how that is possible I don’t know because her picture is constantly splashed on the news or on the tabloids), she is a woman that had six children then decided to get in vitro fertilization (as a single woman). 8 eggs were implanted in her uterus and all 8 eggs attached and she is now the mother of 14 children.  I have no problem with a woman or a man raising a child/children on their own but this woman has NO BUSINESS getting in vitro when she already had 6 children and at that time she was struggling to pay the bills.

This woman has no affect on my life and what she does is her business, I am strictly stating my opinion because everywhere I seem to turn her face and her sob story are splattered all over.  My opinion of this woman is very low because she does not at all convey sincerity.  This woman screams to me that she is just looking for attention and her priorities are all sorts of out of wack.  14 children are living under a roof with this woman that to me seems mentally unfit.  These children don’t stand a chance for normalcy at all and she keeps defending herself.  Below I have inserted a clip of her on the Oprah show and the entire time she is going on and on, I couldn’t help but watch Oprah’s face and how obvious it was that the Octomom was putting on a show.  I can’t put my finger on why I feel the way I do….I just feel like her actions never seem to match what she says.  She seems to eat her words a lot.  She is endangering the welfare of her children by not allowing them to get the individual attention that they each deserve.  I read an article the other day and her own mother has washed her hands of the situation.  If her own mother does not want to lend a helping hand to raise her grandchildren then there are some serious red flags waving in the wind in my opinion.  Her and Kate Gosselin both sit on the top of the list when it comes to unfit mothers.  They have both exposed their kids in the media and they have (again in my opinion) have sought fame and recognition and that just sends such a poor message.  I write tons of blog entries about children and how important raising them properly is.  These two women are so very self-absorbed and want so much attention that they are completely depriving their children of normalcy and the ability to understand the concepts of modesty and sincerity.  These children are made to be props in life and I think that is so wrong.  If later on in life (when they are able to understand what the media really is) they choose they want that life then that is fine but being exposed to cameras and the public from the time they are newborn babies (by parents choice) is just wrong.

I wanted to include some articles and videos just to get some other people’s opinions.  Maybe I am being too harsh….I don’t know????  I just can’t shake the feeling that this woman is constantly putting on an act.  Does anyone else feel this way?  If not, what does she convey to you?

Octomom Nadya Suleman: Child Services Investigation Was a “Set Up”

After Orange County Social Services Agency launched an investigation of Nadya Suleman Tuesday, the mother of 14 spoke out to Good Morning America Thursday saying she was “set up.”

 The investigation occurred after Suleman’s hairdresser visited her home and subsequently filed a complaint about the conditions Suleman’s 14 children were living in. The hairdresser claimed the famous mom locked her children in a room using a chair and made them use portable toilets outside. She allegedly released photos to TMZ to back up her claims.

 Suleman, who became known as “Octomom” when she gave birth to octuplets in 2009, defended herself on GMA.

 “I think, maybe, me and my kids were set up,” Suleman said. “We were set up.”

 “She thought it was unacceptable that they’re half-naked going potty,” Suleman, 36, explained, explaining that the toilet inside was broken. “I mean mom is out there, come on.” As for the claims about the chair, she clarified that one of her older children propped the chair under the door handle to stop the children from entering the room and opening and closing the door.

 Suleman’s hairdresser also said she paid $520 for a Brazilian Blowout and haircut. “I am making money, though. I have jobs and I can afford it,” Suelman claimed. She also explained that the bill included 14 other haircuts for her children.

 The mother recently posed semi-nude for a British magazine. “I’ve been using the media to pay the bills,” she explained. “Any offer, now, is to take care of my kids.”

 Following the investigation, the OC Social Services Agency concluded that Suleman’s children were safe and no further action was taken.

 My last words here are that I truly believe this woman is making one excuse after another.  Her house is covered in graffiti.  Trust me I understand that her house is going to be far from clean with that many children but there is no reason for the outside and inside of the house to be spray-painted and for the children to be sitting on potties outside (and who knows how full they are and how “clean” they are).  She even said that one of the kids propped the chair against the door…really?????  I just am unable to feel remorse for this woman.  She is playing the role of a victim and there is nothing I cannot stand more than that.  She had no business having anymore children and she has made one poor choice after another and the people that are suffering are those innocent children.  DISGRACEFUL!

Day 101 Question 101:

What was the last thing that made your heart break?

I am not a parent.  Many people believe my opinion is not valid when it comes to children and anything parent-esque because of this fact.  No I did not give birth to any children but I believe I have had a lot of positive voice in many children’s lives and I have taken a great deal of training and have seen mothers improve their parenting techniques because of me.  My voice is valid because as I have said over and over again…it takes a village to raise a child.  I am currently a nanny for twin girls that are 16 months old.  No these children are not mine but I love them with everything in me and in a sense they are my family.  I would take a bullet or throw myself in front of a bus for either of them.  My job (not just as their nanny but as a kind and decent human being) is to protect these children and not one day passes that I do not think about that.

On my computer my homepage is set to Yahoo news.  Yesterday I scanned the page before opening my email and a headline caught my eye.  The headline read: Teacher/Bully: How My Son Was Humiliated by His Teacher and Aide.  I was pulled in immediately.  I am going to include the article as well as the Youtube video because I believe this story needs to go viral and these women that have done these horrible things need to be called out.  This story broke my heart because a completely innocent child was treated in a disgusting manner by TEACHERS….the people that are supposed to protect him.  This child is autistic.  When I watched this Youtube video tears swelled up in my eyes and I felt so much sorrow for this child’s father.  No parent should ever have to face what this father had to face.  This young autistic boy was spoken to like he was a stray dog and the teacher and the aid in the classroom showed no love for him…the showed him no decency or respect at all.  This made my heart break because I could not understand how people could act like that.  I don’t understand how adults could harm a child in any mental or physical way and not feel any guilt in themselves.  I could not understand how a school system did not stand up and immediately fire these women.  I could not understand how the actual story got swept under the rug and it took the father making a youtube video for it to get attention.  As administrators at this school, the entire staff should be absolutely embarrassed and disgusted with themselves for not taking a stand against what happened.

 People question why I may not want to have kids and to be honest….this ranks right up there with the reasons.  A child is to always be protected and if I were to bring my child to school and find out that he/she were being treated this way I am not sure of what I would do.  I would be filled with anger because all children deserve a chance…even the ones that give us a run for our money.  I may not be a parent but children mean the world to me and after reading this article I felt a deep sadness both for the father and the son.  This little boy had to go through day-to-day torture in a place that everyone would tell him is safe.  The father had to listen to a lengthy recording of his son being vocally abused….I cannot even imagine how that feels…and I hope to never feel that way.  This father and son deserve justice in this situation and even though I am one person and this is one minor gesture I want to help….I want to continue the trek in making his video viral and showing the world that even our educators are the BULLIES!!!!  I believe that when a teacher has worked hard and proven themselves they deserve to be rewarded but handing out tenure to animals such as this and allowing them to just receive a slap on the hand is WRONG (I am not sure if they are tenured teachers but I would make that guess).  If you have a chance I also recommend watching the documentary Waiting for Superman…you can find it on youtube part by part.  This documentary will blow your mind to find out what is really going on in the United States school system.  It is time we take a stand and state our peace…people like this should NEVER be allowed to “teach” children.  I would love to hear your opinions and thoughts.  :0)

The article below is what I found on Yahoo news:

N.J. father records teacher, aide mocking autistic son

By Erin Wright

New Jersey might have what is considered the toughest anti-bullying law in the nation, but one Cherry Hill father felt it didn’t go far enough to protect his autistic young son. So he decided to employ a tactic that melded equal parts secrecy and publicity and that has propelled his case into the spotlight.

Stuart Chaifetz said that his 10-year-old son Akian had always been a “sweet and nonviolent child,” and so it was puzzling when his son began arriving home with notes from Horace Mann Elementary School claiming that Akian was having violent outbursts, and in some cases hitting his teacher and an aide. When meetings with school administrators and personnel didn’t produce any answers, Chaifetz was at a loss. “I felt I was beginning to lose my son — that these outbursts were changing his very nature,” he writes on a website he created. “I knew I had to find out what was happening in his class that was having a dramatic impact on him.”

Chaifetz’s method of getting to the bottom of things including wiring his young son for sound one February morning. Akian returned with more than six hours of audio, which Chaifetz listened to that night and said “changed his life forever.”

Chaifetz detailed his findings on a web page, “No More Teachers/Bullies,” and in a YouTube video titled: “Teacher/Bully: How My Son Was Humiliated and Tormented by His Teacher and Aide.” In clips of the audio, a classroom aide and teacher whom Chaifetz identifies as “Jodi” and “Kelly” can be heard discussing alcohol use, spousal issues and other personal topics, as well as mocking Akian and responding rudely to his questions. Chaifetz in listening to the audio, the reasoning behind his son’s outbursts became clear to him, and he then moved to take the case public.

And, as is so often the case with compelling YouTube videos, Chaifetz’s case has quickly gone viral. In a note atop the hundreds of comments he’s received since posting the video on April 20, Chaifetz states that he’s disabled the auto-post feature due to a large amount of “inappropriate posts,” and that he’s finding it hard to keep up with the amount of comments pouring in. Chaifetz has also noted a groundswell of support on Facebook.

As a result of Chaifetz’s impromptu sting, the aide was fired but the teacher was apparently reassigned to another school. On his web page, Chaifetz expresses the opinion that such teachers should be fired, “no second chances, no excuses.” To that end, he has collected more than 20,000 signatures on a petition seeking legislation that would result in the immediate dismissal of teachers who engage in bullying.

Day 100 Question 100:

What is something you have seen recently that has given you hope?

I MADE IT TO DAY 100!!!!  Woooo Hooo!!!  I have written every single day for the last 100 days.  I am so proud of myself.  I have written about the things I care about and in those 100 days I have watched myself grow and I have learned so much about what truly matters.  The feelings I have about that cannot even be put into words.  I have 265 more days to go so I probably should not get too excited…hahahaha!!!!  I hope to surpass even the 365 when that day comes.  I hope to one day (sooner than later) be able to pick up a book on the bookstore shelf, open it up and see my words sitting on the page.

I had a topic I was originally going to write about today but something just came up that I needed to write about.  I am definitely going to clobber the topic I originally had set forth to write about, I am just going to push it back a day.  This morning I was sitting on the couch where I work waiting for the girls to wake up from their night full of I hope magical dreams and a story came on the Today Show.  The story was of a young couple that had fallen deeply in love.  Their names are Bethany Schmidt and Ryan Smith.  During their storybook romance, Ryan was diagnosed with stage 4 testicular cancer.  He was only 24 years old.  I have attached the story below for everyone to read.

I know this story sounds sad and depressing but in truth this story brings me a lot of hope.  It breaks my heart that this young woman had to lose the love of her life but it warms my heart to know that she was able to find that person that made her puzzle complete.  I am a positive person…an optimist and an opportunist but when it comes to relationships and dating I admit to being a pessimist.  The way I experience life is through what I feel.  When I am surrounded by couples in whatever the setting may be, there are so many times that I am unable to pick up on the love.  I do not feel the connection between those two people.  What I sense is people that have settled because they fear loneliness or people that have compromised or sacrificed a lot of who they are in order to follow a path they believe they are meant to follow (I am not judging because I have been that person before).  I might be wrong.  I will completely admit that.  I have never lived one day in their lives, walking around in their shoes.  I am just strictly going by my senses.  When I watched the story of this couple, the love that was being portrayed was absolutely endless.  These two were not just a couple, they were best friends that adored each other.  Their lives became complete because it was as if they search for each other was over.  They found each other…they were meant to be in each others lives.  Their love seemed so simple and so natural and even though Bethany lost the love of her life, she was able to experience the truest form of love a person could…a love with no doubt….a natural love without question.  That gives me hope.  I have always stated that a man will not complete me and I do mean that….and I am a stubborn ass and I will not settle.  This story gives me hope that a real, honest and genuine love between two people can really exist.  Even through the struggles and the pain of his illness the love was always a simple thing…it was natural….it was never forced….it never came with rules or regulations or boundaries.  I want this kind of love or I want no love at all (in the romantic sense obviously).  Nowadays I find the whole dating seen to be so much work and people have such a bad attitude about it.  People put so many limits on everything and want to play the field (and in my experience) so many people want just the physical aspect.  Real love, kindness, and caring for another person should not be work.  Everything when it comes to dating has become so unnatural (again, in my experience).  I am tired of not being able to be me 100% because people have set up all of these do’s and don’ts in their lives.  I want NO LIMITATIONS!!!  Love has no limitations…it is a natural progression when it is right!  Life is too short to limit yourself…I would much rather live a life of Oh well’s than What If’s.   This story below proves to be what real love is and even if I never experience that kind of love, it makes me feel so happy to know that these two people (even if they are strangers) were able to.  I am this person that just oozes love and oozes hope for myself and for the people around me.  I get confused and I get all wrapped up in silly things sometimes but love is something that I never question because it comes in all of these forms and it is one of those things that never should be tweaked.  True love is one of the most natural things in the world.  If I never experience with a man (again, in a romantic sense), I will die happy knowing that I have found love in myself and have experienced love with my family and my friends and even experienced love with perfect strangers that have helped guide me through this jungle called life.

Below I have shared pictures of the couple on their special day as well as the entire story featured from the Today Show website.  I have also included pictures of my parents and my sister and her family because these are the people that I love most.  This story inspired me and gave me hope and after I watched it I couldn’t help but think about losing people in my life.  This young girl lost the love of her life and although her heart aches and she probably feels a void she is still moving forward.  She has great support from her family and she has so much more to look forward to in life.  I could never be sure of what her and her husband spoke about before his passing but I would almost guarantee that he encouraged her to keep living her life and loving her life even after he was gone.  As hard as it seems and as painful as some days probably seem, his wishes are probably what pushes her through.  I found hope in knowing that after those that I love pass (my mom and dad mainly) that although I will be absolutely crushed, that I will be able to keep moving forward…especially because I know that is what they would want me to do.  As stubborn as I can be, I never stop thinking about how much I want to make my parents proud…and even after they pass that same rule will still apply.

At 24, he hadn’t long to live … so they got married

Six weeks later, he died of rare cancer – but they had ‘gift no one can take away

Ryan Smith loved golf, airplanes, cooking, good wine, good beer and the Oregon Ducks. But more than anything else, he loved Bethany.

 He met Bethany Schmidt in 2005 when they were both freshmen at the University of Oregon. They became inseparable — eating out together, visiting their families together, traveling to Europe together, cheering together at football games at Oregon’s Autzen Stadium.

 The good times continued after Ryan and Bethany graduated in 2009. They rented a one-bedroom apartment near campus in Eugene and launched their careers — Ryan in finance, Bethany in graphic design. Then, in January 2011, the 23-year-olds received a blow.

 Ryan learned he had a rare and particularly ruthless form of cancer. Bethany took time off work and stayed by Ryan’s side as he tried everything: three intensive chemotherapies, a major surgery in Los Angeles, lengthy and grueling hospital stays. But by November, doctors discontinued his treatment, and by early December, his organs began shutting down.

 Bethany Schmidt and Ryan Smith met as freshmen at the University of Oregon and went on to graduate together in 2009. This photo was taken in June of that year.

 The couple realized they had little time left to do what they wanted to do most of all: Get married. So, with the help of family members, friends and helpful strangers, they planned a stunning wedding in just three days. Their nuptials didn’t center on formalwear or wedding favors or other trappings that stealthily consume the thoughts of so many brides- and grooms-to-be. Instead, the focus was simple: Their love for each other, and their love for their family and friends.

 Six weeks after the wedding, Ryan was gone.

 “Looking back on it, there was more love in that room than I have ever experienced in my life,” Bethany Smith wrote in reflection on her wedding day.

 “Although it was way too short, we were able to be married and celebrate our one-month anniversary, and that’s a gift no one can ever take away.”

 ‘I’ll always be there’

Ryan  was the kind of guy who knew what he wanted in life and went for it. But he could behave like a master chess player at times, not letting on that he’d already worked out all his moves in advance.

 “We were close friends for a while before we started dating,” Bethany recalled. “I really liked him and I couldn’t tell if he liked me. Then after we got together, I teased him and said, ‘If you liked me for so long, why didn’t you pursue me?’ He said, ‘I knew you’d come around.’ He knew he had it in the bag.”

 Ryan Smith and Bethany Schmidt spent six weeks traveling through Europe together in the summer of 2007. Their itinerary included several stops in Germany as well as Barcelona, Rome, Florence, Zurich, Dublin, London, Provence and Paris, where this photo was taken.

 On their one-year anniversary, Bethany gave Ryan a card that said, “You will not believe how glad I am to have met you.” Inside, she wrote:

 “Wow — I had a feeling I might fall in love with you but I had no idea it would be like this. I am so, so glad that I met you and our lives have become so intertwined. You mean more to me than just a boyfriend, you are more than just my best friend. I realized last night — you are my home Ry, and nothing compares to that. I’ll always be there — I promise. I love you.”

 They knew they’d marry someday, and they knew they wanted to have children someday — but they were in their early 20s, that stage of life when adventures beckon, responsibilities feel light and time feels limitless.

 Then Ryan got sick. Everything stopped: Work, travel, plans for the future. Bethany took a hiatus from her job as a designer at the University of Oregon’s Duck Stores; her colleagues there donated their vacation time so she could care for Ryan and still receive a paycheck.

 Last July — seven months after his diagnosis — Ryan and Bethany decided to take a small break and drive from Eugene to Bend, Ore., to visit their parents. As they neared Drake Park, a beautiful spot in downtown Bend with riverfront access, Ryan asked Bethany to pull over.

 “He said he was feeling uncomfortable from the car ride and he needed some fresh air,” Bethany said. “We were walking along by the water, and all of a sudden he dropped down on one knee.”

 Bethany realized what was happening when Ryan pulled a small box out of his pocket. She collapsed on both knees and joined him on the grass. He put the ring on her finger and told her she was his best friend. She cried and told him how much she wanted to marry him.

 Story: When ‘till death do us part’ has added meaning

That night they went out to dinner at Ariana Restaurant — a bistro in Bend where they would end up getting married five months later. The restaurant’s co-owner and chef, Ariana Fernandez, would prove to be a godsend when Ryan’s health deteriorated rapidly.

 “We set the date on a Thursday and we were married just three days later on Sunday,” Bethany recalled. “She helped with everything … I kept thanking her and thanking her and she said to me, ‘You’ve had to hear no so much this year. I just wanted to be able to say yes to anything you wanted.’”

 ‘It is what it is’

Ryan  developed a virulent form of testicular cancer that manifested itself as a large tumor in his colon. Because he also had a rare refractory disease, the cancer was impervious to chemotherapy.

 “He never, ever complained,” recalled Ryan’s mother, Carrie Smith. “We have all just marveled at this. He just never complained the entire time.”

 Ryan’s father, Peter Smith, said he once tried to encourage his son to vent a little bit when he was sick.

 “I thought it might be good for him,” he said. “But he just told me, ‘Dad, it is what it is.’ …

 “I’ve said to my own siblings that Ryan is basically setting an example for us as we’re all getting older. If anything like this happens to us, we should look at Ryan and see how to handle this sort of thing with grace and courage.”