It's a New Day…

Day 309 Question 309:

Is fear a bad thing?

Is fear one of those emotions that is always negative?  Is fear a part of our ego controlling us?  A part of me thinks yes but I also think fear is necessary to learn and to grow.  There is so much in this life that is unknown that it seems almost natural to have fear within yourself.  I found the excerpt below by Eckhart Tolle and it immediately spoke to me…it felt as if the words were written about where I am at this time in my life.  I used to be this person that was so social and constantly pursuing new relationships whether they be romantic or friendships.  I have become this wallflower that almost finds difficulty in starting relationships because I feel as if I can’t relate to many people.  I continually think about myself and diving into my deeper consciousness and I ache to study the world around me.  I am not insulting people for being different than myself….I have just found that I have not crossed paths with many (in this geographic area) that are experiencing this same part of the life journey.  Sometimes not being able to discuss these things because of not having the company or not being able to express it vocally can bring on fear.  I do fear the unknown but not in a way that is crippling to my existence.  I have learned that pretty much everything in this world is unknown so it is really a natural way of life.  I have just not been able to fully accept certain parts of these unknowns….I am unsure of what happens after we die and the thought alone can be very terrifying.  I knowing that dying is a part of living and everyone dies but I do fear that I may not ever be reunited with those that I love or that I end up in some sort of world all by myself….see, it is the fear of the unknown.  Again, this fear seems natural though and even though it can feel overwhelming I think it is important to question these things because it gives you a better understanding of life and of self.  I love the way that I think even if it can sometimes feel completely maddening…..like I am living in my own internal mental ward.

I believe that hate, anger and self-loathing are emotions that serve no purpose.  They are our ego controlling us like we are puppets.  Fear on the other hand keeps us on our toes.  Even if it is not a pleasant emotion, it is one in which we discover more about ourselves and find out what our true limits are.  We find out what is important to us and how much fear can overcome us….with fear we allow ourselves to step outside of our comfort zone and how many times have we heard that it is here that life truly begins.  :0)

Day 308 Question 308:

If you had to choose 5 things each human being had to do to help his/her fellow man/woman, what would they be?

1)      Control personal anger and remind oneself that anger and violence serve no beneficial purpose.

2)      Display love to children as often as possible and be a role model that does not use words and acts of anger or selfishness.

3)      Teach compassion and empathy every single day in any way possible to anyone willing to accept the lesson.

4)      Continually learn about the outside world…escape from our own personal bubbles to learn about other cultures and help wherever and however we can.  Learn about the differences between people of the world and use those differences for good instead of evil.

5)      LAUGH AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!!!!!

Day 307 Question 307:

If you were to write a letter to your ex what would it say?

First and foremost….this may be ugly and mean and just plain ridiculous.  I find it necessary to get it out though because last night I was working at the restaurant and I walked up to a 5 top table getting ready to start with their drink order and when I looked up from my pad of paper there sat my ex-boyfriend.  I have not seen this person in over 3 years and in one tiny moment all emotions rushed through my body and I felt anxiety overwhelm me.  The moment felt surreal and I made a break as fast as I could and I told my coworker that he had to take the table or I would have a full blown panic attack.  This entire wave of emotions completely took over my body and I returned to the worst time in my life and it was so overwhelming….I could not believe that one person could bring on such intense emotions that I thought were pretty much gone.  This person was an abuser…never physically but instead verbally and emotionally….I have said many times over that I wish he would have hit me because that would have been less painful.  I take full responsibility for staying with a person so vile and so hateful but that does not mean I am not allowed to feel anger and resentment toward him.  This person found pleasure in stripping my happiness away layer by layer and degrading me to a point that by the time it was all over I had completely lost who I was….I was shattered.  So here it goes….yes this letter is public but I am sure his eyes will never read these words and if they did I do not care.  Ok here it goes:

Dear Life Ruiner,

There is so much I could say to you but I will keep it simple.  You completely broke me.  You tore me apart in every moment we spent together.  I blame myself for staying with you through it all but what it comes down to is that you are a bad person and I feel very sorry for you.  I can’t wrap my brain around how a person could insult and treat someone as badly as you treated me.  By the time everything was finally over I no longer knew who I was….I was completely dead inside.  You are the reason that I have lost trust in majority of men and will push them out of my life before I even learn about them.  You are the reason that I have cringed thinking about what I look like.  I have had to completely rebuild my life because of you and I do not hate you…I instead feel so very sorry for you.   I would like to say that I hope you get your life together and find a place that brings you peace but to be honest I don’t care what happens to you.  Unless I happen to run into you, you do not exist.  I will leave you with these final words: GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU RAGING ALCOHOLIC THAT STILL LIVES AT HOME WITH HIS MOMMY AND CANNOT HOLD A JOB!!!!  YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT!!

~Diane

Day 306 Question 306:

 Where/what is heaven to you?

 I seem to always come back to the topic of creation and our purpose in this life and whether or not there is an existence of one or any God.  My roommate and I had a long discussion the other night about creation and evolution and how nothing is truly known for certain.  We spoke of people having such strong convictions and knowing there is an existence of this higher entity we call God and a place called Heaven that people go to after they die.

 I am a believer in previous lives and an afterlife.  I believe that we all live many different lives through many different time periods even if we don’t believe it.  Have you ever had that dream that felt so real to you but it was in a time and place you know nothing about?  I sometimes wonder if those are tiny pieces of a life that has already been or a life that will one day be.  The idea of Heaven in the manner in which it is presented by the majority of the population is beautiful and comforting but I (like everything else) am unsure if I believe this Heaven really exists.  I believe Heaven (if it does exist) is the place that every person has designed individually…their own place of peace and comfort.  I believe we experience Heaven in our daily lives while we are still living….we may be living in Heaven right now….we truly don’t know.  It is intriguing to think that maybe we have passed away and this is what Heaven really is and we are just unaware of it.  These are the things I think about day in and day out and sometimes these thoughts scare me (for lack of a better word) and sometimes they intrigue me so much that I want to dive into research and learn about other people’s thoughts.  I want to ask a million questions to perfect strangers and just try to see through their eyes.

 It is no secret that I am the type of person that believes in what feels natural and comfortable to me.  I am a storyteller and an artist.  I believe in painting my own picture of life and because of not knowing anything indefinitely then I can paint my own picture of what I think Heaven might possibly be.  I have never been one to see pearly gates or angels…but I do love that others have convictions so strong that they do.  Heaven is my place of peace….the place where worry and anxiety no longer exist….it is a place that not only looks beautiful but feels beautiful….a place of calm and tranquility.  Heaven can be molded by me every single day to fit my needs whether it be physically, spiritually or emotionally.  Heaven is the ultimate acceptance of oneself and what is.  When people tell me I am wrong, the more I believe in what I choose to believe in.  We all come into this world alone and depart this world alone.  We build relationships throughout all of this time and those relationships mold us but we live in one body with one mind and one soul.  I believe we are meant to continually dive deeper to find more and more of ourselves and this is why some people may view me as selfish.  If they believe that then that if their choice but I am the only thing I truly know for sure so I am what I can truly believe in.  If I want to believe that God is a part of me and is the love inside of me and that Heaven is molded to my needs and others want to see what as selfish and nonsensical then so be it.  Not ever would I want to live a life that is conformed by what others tell me to think and believe.  To me, there is no natural feeling that goes along with that.

 Heaven does not need to come at a particular time in a particular place.  If there is a God (outside of what I think he may possibly be) I believe he would be proud of me for questioning all that surrounds me.  I believe the worry inside of me is a challenge not a disability that is holding me back.  If God does exist, he would not punish me for questioning him and his existence because that is what life is about (at least that is what I believe).  I am strong but sometimes doubt myself so therefore these challenges are thrown at me to prove to myself that I am capable of more than I really believe I am.  This is why I say that Heaven is not a particular place that comes only at a particular time….Heaven is those moments when you find yourself and when you succeed in times when you were sure you were going to fail or when you find peace and love in times that feel like you have been kicked down and may never be able to get back up.  Heaven is a belief that everything will be ok even when we feel defeated (whether it be physically or mentally).  Heaven is being able to see the beauty and opportunity in all that is different from everything you have ever known.

Day 305 Question 305:

What cultural group do you feel gets a bad “rap” (has a bad reputation) in American society?

My class this semester for Grad school focuses on diversity as a whole.  Diversity is so more wide open than many people realize.  A room could have a mere 5 people in it and the diversity amongst them could be overwhelming.  Diversity goes so far beyond just race and cultural background.  Diversity is all of those differences that we have that make us all individuals and it is those differences that give us great potential to come together and work together for the greater good….at least this is how I want to see it.  Sometimes diversity drives people apart because of the unaccepting ways of people….the dislike of the differences.

After the terrible events that happened on 9/11/2001, the United States knew that life would never be the same.  An attack came on our soil that stole the innocent lives of thousands of people.  It is well known that the attacks were of terrorist nature and the attackers were militants associated with the Islamic extremist group al-Qaeda.  Since that day we have seen hatred grow in American people toward majority of those descending from the Muslim/Islam culture.  After these vicious attacks we read stories of innocent business owners and families being threatened or murdered because they were Muslims (some were not Muslim and were assumed to be Muslims because of the clothing and head pieces they donned).  One of the biggest piles of shit (and this is strictly my opinion), Bill O’Reilly (the biggest asshole newscaster on TV), sat on the couch with the women of The View and made a bold statement.  He said, “Muslims were to blame for 9/11.”  Our country is in the state that it is in because of ignorance like that.  I have grown very sick and tired of hearing about an entire group being blamed or stereotyped for the actions of a few.  I have friends that have moved to this country from Indonesia and they have been devout Muslims their whole lives.  These are some of the kindest people I have ever met with an eagerness to learn more about the United States and help make the country prosper.  I cannot even put the thought in my head of these people being terrorists or violent people.  The Muslim men I know would NEVER devalue women or treat them with disrespect….I have actually experienced the complete opposite.

This country is very different from many countries of the world.  Other countries have different traditions and values that may be completely un-relatable or misunderstood by us but we as people should be evolved enough to not blame everyone in a group because of these differences…we should choose to learn and try to understand why others do as they do instead of hold onto judgment and assumptions.  Yes, we have extremists in this world but that does not mean an entire population is to blame.  I am a white woman.  A white male that was considered a white supremacist went into a Sikh Temple and not only killed multiple people but also cowardly took his own life.  She shot a police officer 12 times and by some sort of miracle this police office lived.  A young white man shot up a movie theater in Aurora, Illinois and killed over a dozen people and has yet to show any remorse.  Both of these individuals are of Caucasian decent but we have no affiliation.  I would cringe at the thought of being hated because of the actions of these people….I do not agree with their actions at all…..I find their actions to be absolutely disgusting.  So, with this being said, I think about people of the Muslim faith a great deal and how so many of them have been treated so unfairly simply because of their faith and their cultural background.  I just can’t look at people and just hate them simply because they are different from me….or because they come from a culture that has violent “extremists”.  Trust me, there are more than plenty of violent “extremists” in this country….we just see it in a different light.

Day 304 Question 304:

 What does it mean to be an artist?

 When people hear the word artist the image of a person holding a paintbrush usually floods their mind.  Obviously, this is not the only form of an artist there is out there…although it is a great one.  Like so many things in this world, an artist is something that can only truly be defined on a personal level.  There cannot be one definition for the whole because art is different for everyone.  We are all artists in some form or another whether or not we know it or acknowledge it.  Life is our canvas and how we paint on it or design it is our individual choice.

 I have known I was an artist since I was very young.  I have felt a creative energy running through my veins for as long as I can remember and although my art does not come from the tip of a paintbrush or the lead of a pencil….I paint with words every day.  My art is my written expression….it is the person inside of me that is the truest and most honest.  To me, being an artist means to show vulnerability….art can be found in a simple conversation if someone shows their true and genuine emotions.

 The reason that I chose this question is because a couple of weeks ago I randomly saw a music video made by Pink for her new song “Try”.  I don’t know how I stumbled upon it but I was immediately glad I did.  I see all musicians as being artists but after seeing this video (and other interviews and videos with her) I found her to be such a beautiful artist.  She not only writes her own music which comes from her life experiences (even the most painful and ugly experiences) but she paints a story for her audience.  She does not just conquer what she is good at but instead embraces other forms of art….even if she doesn’t perfect them she at least tries them.  She has put on shows where she not only sings but also performs circus high-ropes acts and in this latest video it is so obvious that she learned the art of dance and not only did she learn it but she felt it….when you watch the video (at least for me) you can feel her emotions through the words in her song and in her movement.  I believe that to be the most beautiful form of art….to be able to express yourself and have your audience feel that expression.

 A true artist (and I say this only in my opinion) does not only express through personal experiences but also expresses through the experiences of what is happening around them.  I express my opinions every day but I talk a great deal about the experiences of others….I try to feel and understand what they feel.  The musings of life that surround us make this world our canvas and it is how we choose to express ourselves on this canvas that make up what art really is.  Even in the most horrific experiences such as murder and war we can find art because we see the multitudes of expressions of the people affected.  Even in the worst there is beauty that can be found.

Day 303 Question 303:

 Who is the most important person in your life?

 Today my dad called me and told me that my mother was in the hospital.  She had been having some sharp pains in her back near her left shoulder blade.  I had to be with her.  I stopped trekking on the elliptical and I headed straight for the hospital.  My mom had been admitted and all of the tests had come back clear but the doctor wanted to keep her overnight and do a few more in the morning.  I love my mom with every part of me.  I love my dad more than life itself as well but my mom and I have this connection…this connection that makes her the most important person in my life.  I sometimes think about the time I know she will be eventually gone and I can’t help but feel that my entire life is going to fall apart.  My mom has been there through everything but it is within this past year or so that we have really been close and I have been able to really understand and value our relationship.  I have wanted to give back so much to her to tell her thank you for everything she has ever done for me.

 I admit to taking my mom for granted for far too long and I have now seen what a beautiful, wonderful woman she is.  I cannot take back the past or relive it but I can make up for it in the here and now.  If I leave this life as kind-hearted and warm as my mother is then I will die happy….and I know my mother would be proud.  My mother is the most important person in my life because she has (unknowingly) taught me to love those around me and treat them with kindness.  She has taught me that speaking out of anger and getting all worked up will never solve anything.  My mother is the person that has always given me hope in humankind and if there were more people like her in this world….we would see a much more peaceful world.  There is not a single person in this world that knows me the way my mom knows me and I think it is because of this that I fear her departing this life.  My mother is my comfort in this life….she is the only person I truly believe when I hear the words “Everything is going to be ok”.

 The answer is simple because this wonderful woman gave me life and taught me what love really is.

Day 302 Question 302:

What is your “muse “, what stirs your creativity / your creative mind into action?

This question is quite simple to answer.  It is my life experiences that are my muse.  There is never just one particular thing, person or event that drives my creative energy into overdrive.  On a daily basis I feel the surge of creative energy flowing through my veins.  I feel lucky because it comes to me quite naturally…regardless of the setting.

I find life so intriguing because it is made up of such a wide variety of people.  Some of these people are artists while others are mathematicians and others are laborers.  I am fascinated when I see what comes so naturally to other people…what peaks their interest so much.  I am a natural writer and artist….even though the art does not come in the form of painting or drawing.  I can naturally create in my brain.  My muse is my life…it is the soul that lives within me that is able to see the beauty that surrounds me even through the most difficult times.  It is the part of me that sees the beauty and necessity of war and violence in order to embrace the peace and balance of the world.  It may sound ridiculous to some but in my head and my body it makes sense.  It is these natural feelings that give me my drive and my passion to continually create and to reach out into the world whenever and wherever needed.

Day 301 Question 301:

What was a horrible date experience you have had?

I am starting to wonder about where I am at in terms of relationships.  After the last guy I cared about and I went our separate ways I have found that I kind of went into (I guess you would call it) shut down mode.  Since him I just haven’t felt a spark or an interest…I really have put forth no effort…well maybe a little effort.  I met a guy online and we chatted on the phone a few times and I wasn’t really sure what I was thinking about him but I decided that after a year of dating no one I would go on a simple coffee date with this guy.  It lasted about an hour and I WANTED TO STAB MYSELF IN THE NECK OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!

I generally like to write about topics I feel passionate about and world issues that peak my interest.  Well today I must turn the tables and tell anyone and everyone that is reading that I went on a coffee date with the world’s biggest DOUCHEBAG and I may never go on a another date ever again (ok maybe that is a little extreme).  This guy is a divorced father of 2 and all I kept thinking was how sorry I felt for his children to have a father of this kind of jackass caliber.  Our “date” lasted one hour and in that time span this moron threw out the N word, referred to gay people as fags, talked about beating the shit out of his 30 year old brother for stealing money (and as a side note this guy is 34 and him and his 30 year old brother both live at home with mom and dad), he made every kind of racist, prejudice and sexist joke imaginable (and I am talking the crudest of the crude).  I am an avid writer and reader and he told me he hates to read and sees no point in it.  I told him I would like to visit third-world countries to educate and empower women and he told me that was stupid and unnecessary because they need to learn on their own….he implied we just need to turn a blind eye.  He told me he does whatever he wants and loves to embarrass the person that he is with because he thinks it is funny.  I literally just sat there speechless….I could not say anything because I knew if I did I would end up telling him what a waste of space he was.  At one point he even asked what I thought of him and I could not even answer the question…I sat there just shaking my head.  It had to read all over my face that I thought he was an embarrassment to society as a whole.  I am unsure if he was into me at all but I am pretty sure my facial expressions let him know that it would be a cold day in hell before I ever was within a 10 mile radius of him again.  He told me I was quirky and silly and one of those dreamer hippie types.  He is former military so I am sure my personality was a turn-off to him.  All I kept thinking about was how terrifying it is that jerkoffs like that are supposed to be defending our country and our freedom.  There was not one single appealing quality about this guy….I am unsure if I have ever been so turned off by someone as I was this guy.

In 2012 the dating pool seems to be very polluted.  I don’t understand why it has to be so difficult or where some of these people crawl out of the woodwork from but I believe I have finally just shut down.  When I took the time this past year to find myself and to embrace my passions I realized that I can’t ever settle again.  I never want to settle to settle.  If I end up with someone I want them to make me always crave more….in every way….mentally, emotionally, physically.  It has been a long time since someone has made me really excited….has made me just want to talk and be me around them.  I realized while on this horrific “date” today (oh and btw I bought my own coffee) that I don’t and don’t want to share the important parts of my life and pieces of me with anyone that is not going to appreciate it.  I can easily sit in silence and not tell a word about myself when I know that someone doesn’t really care.  This dickweed today talked nonstop about himself and did not ask me one single question….he never thought to ask me about myself…not one single thing.  Maybe this is crazy but I observe people in situations such as this and when someone never asks you about you and your life then there is no reason to invest the time or emotion….you may be talking but they aren’t listening….these people are just waiting for you to finish so they can go on talking about themselves.

So, even though I experience moments of loneliness and sometimes question whether or not I have officially become dead inside, I will continue to embrace my single life.  I may take the chance again at some point but I also may bring a helmet with me just in case. ;0)

Day 300 Question 300:

What is a big dream you have?