It's a New Day…

Day 349 Question 349:

What are your resolutions for the New Year?

2013 is fast approaching.  Some people say life is short while others say it is very very long.  I tend to feel like life passes by at neck breaking speeds but that is because I have 34 years old and still cannot figure out how that is quite possible.  I am not one of these people that bitches and moans about getting older…I actually love it because as cliché as it may sound I do feel like I grow wiser as time passes.  It can be a little scary sometimes though because there is job competition for jobs and I am no longer 25 and it is well known that companies look for longevity.  I am not completely settled in my life and I am unsure if I will ever be.  I am at an age where I should decide about children because the longer I go without conceiving the less likely it will ever happen.  I don’t stress out about any of this stuff but it does pass through my head because of how fast time seems to pass.  In my head I have always thought that at certain ages you would feel a certain age….I always assumed that into my thirties I would feel like this mature grown up that has life figured out….the mistakes and the silly worries would finally be gone.  I don’t feel that way at all.  I have learned a great deal and I have made much better choices in my older years but I still feel the same as I did when I was 18 years old.  I am still the silly girl inside that loves to laugh and aches to be around friends.  I don’t feel like what I thought I would at 34….I don’t feel maternal or “wife-like”.  I do not desire to own a house or to wear a business suit.  I always thought that was the way life was supposed to go if someone was going to be successful at this age.  I still have the desire to change my hair color (not bright blue or anything but I wouldn’t be opposed to a streak in there every once in a while) and try out new trends.  I just don’t want to do and wear all of the things that it seems society has pegged for someone my age.  If I am 60 years old and want to rock long hair and wear long skirts and a peasant top, then I am going to do it because that defines me.  That is what feels right to me.

I have never really been big on New Year’s resolutions because they never seem to be well thought out.  I am a person that needs to challenge myself and that challenge usually comes in the blink of an eye and I make a game plan right on the spot.  Resolutions seem to come with too much pressure and we tend to focus on our flaws that we want to fix and only end up disappointed when we don’t follow through.  I am however going to step outside of my comfort zone and look at resolutions from a different angle and I am going to make some.  I am going to set bigger and more specific goals….goals that will challenge me…goals that I will probably fail from time to time but will challenge me to pull myself back up.  So here we go:

Resolutions for 2013-A New Start (A pep talk to myself)

1)       Continue to get healthy-In 2012 you did well with weight loss and getting healthier but you really need to step up your game.  This does not mean restricting yourself but instead challenging yourself.  The biggest challenge will be cutting off night time eating….ignoring the voice in your head that says you are hungry when you really aren’t.  Start stepping up workouts and remain on a routine and do not beat yourself up when you miss one or if you eat poorly…..just start again!!!  Give yourself incentives to work toward!

2)      Meet new people-In 2012 people came into your life and people left.  There are only a small handful that you have now but there are many many more to meet.  Make that happen some way somehow because you need people.  You secluded yourself for long enough…it is now time to get back out there!!!  You can’t find more close friends or even a potential boyfriend if you don’t put yourself out there-yes it is scary and yes you will be rejected from time to time but the right ones will NOT reject you….they will see you not see through you and they will help you when you need it.  You will find those people you have been aching to talk to if you just put yourself out there.

3)      Meditate Meditate Meditate-You know this works and you know this brings you the inner peace you need—stop and take the time!!!!

4)      Volunteer your time when you can-You may not do it alone but you may have to.  This could be your opportunity to meet new people while also doing good for others.  Do your part to change the world if even just a little bit.  It is ok to be scared but don’t let that fear control you!!!

5)      Get on a better sleeping and eating schedule.  YOUR SUCKS-CHANGE IT!!  Stop being a stubborn ass….turn off the computer and silence your phone and get the rest your body needs.

6)      Explore Explore Explore-This area has nothing to offer you and your time expired here a long time ago.  Explore new areas and see where the potential is over this next year and make it happen.  I know you are scared to do it alone but if you really want to work in the human services field you have to go to where the opportunities are—-you can do it alone because you are way stronger than you think you are.

7)      Keep writing-Day 365 of this blog challenge is just around the corner.  This does not mean you can stop writing….this is just the beginning of the writing journey.  Writing is your gift….do something with it finally!!!

8)      Read more-You did well in 2012 but there is far more out there to learn about and you know how much you love to learn and how inspired you feel when you do….pick up a book and just start to read.  Read and reread every entry in this blog (try to make something of it) and see how much you have stayed the same and how much you have changed and inspire yourself!!!

I could probably write down 100 more things on this list but for now I will keep it as short and simple as possible.  It is easy to write down things like lose weight or read more.  I say those things to myself in my head on a daily basis.  This way I inspire myself….I see what is really important to me.  I truly believe that everything we do and say and feel in life is our choice.  I choose for 2013 to be the best year yet and to all of my friends here I hope yours is filled with magic and inspiration and more love than you know what to do with!

Day 348 Question 348:

The Beatles or Rolling Stones?

Day 347 Question 347:

What quotes have you read that have inspired you?  Quotes you hope will inspire others?

I spend a lot of time thinking.  That should come as no surprise.  Sometimes I feel like I should be doing something but I can’t always pinpoint what that thing is.  I admit to being scared of the unknown sometimes and scared of my life falling apart in one mere moment.  When I feel that way though I MUST remind myself of everything that life has given me and the strength that I have inside to overcome.  I know to a lot of people that just sounds cheesy but if I have learned anything over this past year it is that what you believe you are you are.  I wanted happiness so desperately and for so long I focused on the anxiety and all of the negative so I was unable to ever find that happiness.  Once I slapped myself around for a while and forced myself to start telling myself as often as I can every second, every minute and every hour of everyday how beautiful and smart and worthy I am, the world became a completely different place.  I finally started to see myself and I started to realize that even though I do care about what other people think, it is what I think that is most important.  This past year I buried myself in books and I asked a lot of questions…..I learned until I grew so tired that the only thing I could do was sleep and even then I believe my dreams were teaching me something.  I believe in life people need inspiration….they need a reminder of their value and their potential.  I ache to hear other people’s stories….I want to hear about what they fear and what makes them sad….I want to hear about they struggles they overcame and the goals they reached.

I must read quotes every day that inspire me…whether I find them in the most random of places or hunt them up.  Words of truth and words of encouragement are what (I believe) everyone needs in their lives.  I share these quotes with you:

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot

 “All our dreams can come true – if we have the courage to pursue them.” – Walt Disney

 “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” – Milton Berle

“An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.” – M.K. Gandhi

”Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ‘em.” – William Shakespeare

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

”You must be the change you want to see in the world.” – M.K. Gandhi

”Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination.” – Roy Goodman

”We see things not as they are, but as we are.” – H. M. Tomlinson

”I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.” – Winston Churchill

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

“Don’t go through life, grow through life.” – Eric Butterworth

Day 346 Question 346:

What is most important to you?

The answer will ALWAYS be family!…well of course Channing Tatum too (wink wink)

Day 345 Question 345:

What did you do today to Pay It Forward?

Well it is Christmas day 2012.  The world was due to end 4 days ago but I guess that just didn’t happen.  We have seen great tragedy occur not only in this country but all over the world this past year and sadly it seems to keep getting worse as time passes….well at least what the media is feeding us would lead us to believe that.  I spend several years being very selfish…especially at Christmas time.  I wanted this or that and I just never really took into account what other people had outside of my immediate family.  A few weeks ago I decided to do something today and I wasn’t sure if I would end up following through or not.  I saved up $150 and typed up the note below.  I printed 3 copies of the note into envelopes along with $50 in each.  I stopped at 3 random stores that were open and handed the clerk the envelope and said, “I know this sounds weird but this is for you…please make sure to open it.”  I turned around and left before they had a chance to open it….I was not looking to be praised or for a thank you.  I felt in my heart that  this was my time to perform a random act of kindness without asking for any sort of recognition.  So below is the note that I left for each of the 3 random clerks.  I share this with you…all of my blog readers…not because I want a pat on the back but because  I hope that all of you do something to pay it forward.  I truly believe the act of paying it forward can spread like wild fire and right now those acts of kindness are much needed.  So here is the letter:

Happy Holidays to you!  You may be a little confused and surprised because a perfect stranger just came to you and handed you money in an envelope.  There is NO motive behind this gesture (well, I guess there is but I will get to that).  Today is Christmas and here you are working.  I don’t know what religion you are or if you celebrate Christmas or any holidays at all.  That is not important.  What is important is that this is a day that many people are spending with all of their loved ones and you are working (most likely to keep your bills paid and to make ends meet).  This money is to say thank you!  I won’t tell you how to spend this money…I will simply ask for you to use the money in a way that will undoubtedly bring you happiness (it may require some heavy thinking to know what that might be).  Well I guess that was one motive…ha ha.  You don’t know me but I will tell you I am not a wealthy person.  I live a very average life with a normal 40 hour job like most people and like most people I have lots of bills to pay.  I spent many years of my life being selfish and expecting all kinds of gifts under the tree on Christmas and it took me over 30 years to finally see that there is so much in the world outside of myself….there are people struggling to feed their families and to make ends meet.  I know I will receive gifts from my family even though I asked them not to this year…it is in their nature to give.  This was my opportunity to pay it forward….to do what I KNOW is right.  I gave up the greed and embraced the giving and that is why this money is for you.  Besides using it for something that will bring you happiness, I also ask of you one more thing…I ask for you to pay it forward as well.  We have seen so much violence and hate in this world and it is time to turn it around and the only way to do that is to show our own personal goodness.  I do not know you and you do not know me but we both have goodness inside of ourselves and I ask of you to use your goodness to help others….even if the deeds are small.  I truly believe that kindness and the belief in good and love (even in the worst of times) can change the world.  I may want children one day and it is my hope that they come into a world where they experience kindness and compassion.  Remember, even the smallest gesture can make the biggest impact.  To you and all of your loved ones I wish you a wonderful 2013 and thank you again!

I also needed to take this opportunity to share a video I made of my mom on Christmas because I have the cutest mom in the whole world 🙂

Day 344 Question 344:

What about Christmas makes you feel warm and fuzzy?

It is no surprise that for many years I hated this holiday….I just generally hated this time of year.  My grandmother passed away on Christmas morning and it was my mother’s sadness that always stayed with me year after year.  For years on end I let the gray skies take a hold of me and instead of living I was just existing.  Over this past year I have seen my own selfishness and I have seen the life of anger and discontent that I was living and how I let that affect everyone around me.  I vowed to change because I want everyone to experience happiness and I know everyone is dealing with their own personal struggles.  This year I have decided to embrace Christmas and I know that my mom misses her mom but she also does not want all of us to relive it year after year.  I have invited my parents to come to my place for Christmas this year (and this will be the first time I have ever hosted).  It will only be the three of us but I am very excited about it because they are sharing my home with me.  I am able to do for them what they have done for me for the past 3 decades.  That is the feeling I have been aching for but just not realizing for so long.

Christmas is this one day that is so magical for children.  I remember as a young child sitting on a chair in my parent’s bedroom with my elbows propped up on the windowsill just staring at the night sky in hopes of catching a glimpse of Old St. Nick.  I remember racing down the stairs to see all of the cookies we had left out for Santa so he didn’t get hungry on his trip.  Even with such advancement in technology children can visit a website that tracks Santa’s location all throughout the night…I think that is so magical for children and it is the children that this holiday is for.  I do know the deeper meaning of Christmas and Jesus and I would never be disrespectful by taking that meaning away but for me it is the excitement in a child’s eyes and the belief in this magical man that brings him/her presents for being a good little boy or girl that has made me start to appreciate the holiday more.  I do not have kids and I more than likely never will but children are a huge part of my life and from this year on the holiday will no longer be about me but will instead be about them.

Twas the Night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

Day 343 Question 343:

What makes you YOU?

My life is so different than it was just ten years ago….and drastically different from what it was 15 years ago.  Back in the day I was the life of the party.  I was constantly seeking out different places to go and I would go with pretty much anyone.  I have become this person that has chosen quality over quantity.  I spend a lot of time alone and sometimes it bothers me but at other times it is all I want.  I think I spend a lot of time alone because I view relationships so differently now than I did in my younger years.  I have no desire to spend time with people that I share absolutely no common ground with and people that don’t get me excited to be with them.  Just like not ever wanting to settle when it comes to love, I no longer want to settle in my friendships either because that (to me) is voluntarily wasting your time.  I spent all of this time living on the surface and now that I have taken that deeper dive it is difficult for me to be around people still living on the surface.  I really do not mean that as an insult by any means and I also do not view myself as superior.  Like any relationship, there must be the ability to relate to each other in order to find success….to be able to continue the relationship.  I have backed out of dates more than once over this past year because I knew from the very beginning that the other person and myself were never going to mesh….our puzzle pieces were never going to come together.  It may sound like I am pushing people away and maybe I am doing harm but I have chosen quality over quantity.  I would rather have 1-2 friends that I can be myself with and say anything than dozens of people surrounding me and feel uncomfortable because I have no idea what to say.  I have grown confident over the past couple of years but I am also different and I yearn to crash into people that I can talk to with ease…..I am in desperate need to get excited about someone because they just seem to fit.  I need depth to better understand myself and to better understand the world around me.

I sometimes think I am extremely selfish.  I want to do things to benefit myself…..I want others to teach me and to help me grow.  I want to do for others anything and everything that I can but sometimes I do it for my own benefit…..so I don’t feel so lost….so I do what I believe my purpose is.  I am constantly thinking about me and what is going to happen to me and how I am going to handle things and I believe that I am that way because I am all that I really know and understand.  I can only feel through my senses and I am always seeking answers and have the urge to at least try to understand what other people think and feel.  I guess I am the person that still seems to think there is some sort of rule book for life and I just keep on breaking all of the rules…..like I am not living up to standard sometimes.  I am the girl with an endless amount of questions running through my head.  I am the girl that worries because I don’t know if I am feeling what I should be feeling….am I depressed by clinical standard?  Do I obsess over things that the majority doesn’t even think about?  Am I normal?  I know it sounds silly but when your brain is in such a constant motion you can’t help but wonder these things and I think it is this constant wonder that has made me become introverted and being this introverted is such a change of pace from the life I have always know.  I am having trouble accepting my new introverted ways.  I know that it is certain types of people that can bring me out of my shell and bring out my passions and desires and I will leave the nest when the time feels right with the right people.  I am the girl that has found this beautiful journey and appreciates this beautiful journey more than words can even say but I am also the girl that has not stopped beating herself and probably never will because it is all she has ever known.  I know it is not healthy to beat myself up but by doing so I stir my creativity and I push myself that much harder to keep fighting in this world that is headed in a direction that no one knows.  I am the girl that has spent a lot of time settling for so much less than she deserves and have given my everything in relationships (whether it be romantic, family or friends) and have fought for people that have made it clear that they have never and will never fight the same way for me.  I am the sensitive girl that just wants to be seen….the girl that wants people to get excited knowing that I am around.  I am the girl with love seeping from her pores waiting to share it….but sometimes feeling like wandering aimlessly alone through a crowd.  I am the contradiction to the rule.  I am far more beautiful in my soul than my body.  I am the girl that still fears a great deal but also knows she MUST be strong because this world is all about survival of the fittest.  I am the girl that will always be better on paper than in vocal word…although I can rock a good speech from time to time….I just can write with far more ease.  I am the girl with this entire life and thought process that I have never shared…that I have never breathed a word about.

Day 342 Question 342:

When you have fallen what do you do to pick yourself back up again?

I used to always say that my only goal in life is to change the world…little did I know that I did that the moment I was born.  With every choice I made the world changed just a little bit.  I have made some pretty big changes in this world without even realizing it.  By taking the time to cheer someone up or talk to someone when they just needed to vent, I changed the world.  I made a difference.  I do not say this to toot my own horn….I say this because it took a lot of courage to see my strength and the see my abilities and to see what a powerful force I am.  It has taken a lot of work and a lot of people have asked what it was that made me change…that made me see myself in such a different light.  Not every day feels good and not every day do I want to try but I do….that is what has changed me.  I grew strong convictions that I refuse to give up and I have reminded myself that the only way to survive is to believe in myself.  The only way to live a happy life is to remind myself of all of the good and stop letting the bad keep a hold on me.  This holiday season I think there are a lot of people in the world that need this same sort of encouragement.  I will tell you that it is not easy and there will be days when you just want to throw your hands up and stop trying because it feels like nothing is working.  I ask you to trust me though….you are what you believe you are.  I truly believe, even when people fight it, everyone wants happiness and everyone wants to love themselves.  We live in a world of chaos that sometimes tries to do everything to make us not love or believe in ourselves.  This is the time to fight back and show everyone your strength….show everyone that anger is not what you are known for….try like hell to let go of the depression.  It may sound cheesy but the quotes I have posted below are what has gotten me by….they are my reminders of my strength and my belief in goodness and love and inner peace.  I am here as a friend and a listening ear to all.  I send all of my readers great love because I think you all may not need it but you deserve it.  I bow my head to thank you for hearing my words over this past year…I have needed all of you….you have saved me and encouraged me and believed in me and there is no greater gift than to have support…to have people believe in you.  From the bottom of my heart…thank you!!!

Day 341 Question 341:

Where do you go for inspiration?

It is inevitable that throughout this life we are going to struggle.  There are people out there that are not going to like us for whatever rhyme or reason but we must keep moving forward.  I struggled for a very long time trying to find myself but I was never really lost….I just needed to dig deeper to find my passions and to learn to accept like and circumstances for what they are.  I needed to accept that there are people that I was never going to feel comfortable with and that was a signal that those people do not need to be a part of my life and that is not a bad thing.  My body reacts according to nature.  If I cannot accept what I feel then I am not truly living.  Feeling sadness and anger and frustration are natural to the cycle of life…we are presented with too much every day to not feel these things.  What is important though is how we react to these emotions.  Do we allow the anger to control us and then load the gun and take off or do we reach out for comfort?  Do we reach out to more than one person when we feel like the first, second or even third person wasn’t listening?  I know the feeling of not being seen.  I am always wondering if what goes on in my head is at all similar to what goes on in other peoples.  I sometimes have the urge to scream at the top of my lungs “LISTEN TO ME” but doing that does not mean I will be heard.  I appreciate the bonds I have with certain people in a much different way than I used to because I have learned the difference between forced relationships and natural relationships.  I want to say that I know I am different but then I remember that normal is only something that can be personally defined and I don’t want to be normal because to me that equates to being boring.  Strike me dead in this moment if I ever choose to just live the dull life because I grew sick of living and even trying.  I love my individuality and I will do everything in my power to grasp onto it with my tightest grip until the last breath I have leaves my body.

I go to my life for inspiration.  I go to my life and I write everything that I am feeling….I put the words to paper and that is what makes me feel alive.  My mother has always told me that I missed my calling in life and that I should be a famous writer.  Fame has never been something I sought after but I would love to share my words with the world….I want to inspire others to start believing and start living if they feel as if they have fallen…if they need to hear words of encouragement….if they just need answers.  I don’t have the answers to all of life’s questions but I believe my words could be answers what some people might need at certain moments in their lives.  When I write I imagine a young girl or woman living a poor and violence-filled life in a run-down third world country reading my words (somehow by some means) and feeling that there is hope….learning her value in that very moment….believing for the first time ever that she is beautiful.  I imagine the young girl that struggles with her weight reading and re-reading what I have written so she learns and absorbs that her outer self does not and will not ever define her!  I imagine standing in front of my parents friends and family members after they have passed and reading all of the things I have ever written about them and in that moment being able to relive all of the beautiful moments I had with the two people that gave me life…allowing everyone to see and feel even more of the gifts that my parents offered to the world day in and day out.  My writing is what inspires me because it is everything that I feel….it is who I am to the fullest extent that a person could possibly be.

Day 340 Question 340:

Do you believe in second chances? Are people really capable of change?

I believe in forgiveness.  I believe people make mistakes and deserve the chance to redeem themselves….yes even the people that make massive mistakes.  I  have to admit though that I struggle with second chances.  “You know that popular phrase:  Fool me once shame on you.  Fool me twice shame on me.”  I think the meaning behind that expression is stuck somewhere in the back of my mind just lingering.

The way I came up with this question is quite silly and superficial.  A couple of years ago I met a guy online (yes I have done the online dating this….with a busy schedule and being a non-drinker it is not always easy to meet people out and about) and we chatted for a good bit over email and over the phone.  We finally decided to meet just casually.  He said that his apartment complex was going to be having a big bonfire so I decided to meet him over there.  When I got there it was obvious that I did not meet his standards (I was in the middle of my weight loss journey).  He barely spoke to me and it just felt so awkward and uncomfortable.  He talked to everyone else BUT me.  I finally excused myself and just left and after that night I never heard a word from him again…UNTIL TODAY!!!  He must not have recognized me because he sent me an email saying how cute I am and how he would really like to take me out sometime.  I responded by saying: We have already met and it didn’t go well.  He apologized for being an ass and was hoping for a second chance.  I told him I was skeptical and he said he understood that and said he was in a bad place at the time and his priorities were in all of the wrong places.  Now here comes my character flaw….I want to give people the benefit of the doubt but in dating/potential relationship situations I just can’t.  My mind immediately assumes that this guy will still be the superficial asshole that he was to begin with and then I will have wasted my time once again (yea yea I know time is never wasted because you always learn something).  Then again I think about how different I am from just two years ago.  I can’t help but remember the way this guy made me feel the first time we met….I was not up to par…I was not good enough….I wasn’t worth his time.  I spent majority of my life thinking the same things about myself….why would I give someone else the opportunity to feel that way?  I believe people are capable of change….I have changed tremendously but I still have quite a ways to go.  I believe change only comes when you truly want it and when you put in an exhausting amount of effort.  How do I know that this guy has changed?  Would I be a fool for seeing if just maybe he has?

In many situations in life I have no problem with giving people second chances….like I said I know that mistakes are inevitable and I believe we all have goodness in us (it is just hidden much deeper in some than others).  When it comes to dating and relationships though….when I have been disappointed that feeling never seems to go away.  The last guy I dated well over a year ago was wonderful in so many ways but he also just crushed me in others….again I never felt like I was going to measure up.  He could come to me now and say he is sincerely sorry and explain to me his journey and how he has changed for the better and has realized how much I mean to him but I don’t think that feeling of being betrayed and feeling lesser of a person would ever cease.  Am I being selfish for not letting that go or am I being smart?  When do we know the right times to give people second chances?