Day 359 Question 359

Missing_Puzzle_Piece_by_SatsukiMikata

Day 359 Question 359:

What in life do you think you are missing?

“A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that 1,100 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by, and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace, and stopped for a few seconds, and then hurried up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping, and continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most talented musicians in the world. He had just played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, on a violin worth $3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste, and priorities of people.

The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?”

I am missing moments.  I am missing glimpses of beauty because I do not allow myself to slow down.  I am a person that is 50 steps ahead and sometimes I do not enjoy the moment I am in….I am always waiting for the next one.  I must bring awareness back to the now…back to these beautiful moments that are happening RIGHT NOW because I will blink and they will be gone.  The past can never be returned to me and right now is filled with opportunity.

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Day 358 Question 358

humility

Day 358 Question 358:

Is it possible for humanity to learn humility?

My roommate and I have these nights where we go around and around about all kinds of different topics.  We are two people of different ages from different worlds but our conversation seems to flow with ease.  There is a lot we agree on but a lot we don’t agree on….but that never seems to cause conflict.  I told her that I wish schools would implement the teaching of compassion and empathy more in schools.  I told her that some people may think that they are already teaching those things but it needs to start with the basics.  We can throw the word compassion around until we are blue in the face but until we define it, our children are going to wander aimlessly.  I believe the same goes for humility.  I, at 34 years of age, know what humility is but I just went to dictionary.com to make sure I really did.  I find no harm in going back to the basics when it is needed.  The information will always be there but sometimes we need a refresher….sometimes we need a reminder.

 When you practice humility you see so much of the world outside of yourself.  You portray a sense of humbleness to those around you.  You may be aware of your successes and your achievements but you prefer not to be known for those things and you don’t want to show those things off.  I am the type of person that can joke about how great I think I am but when an honest to goodness compliment is thrown my way I am usually unsure of how to handle it.  I thank the person and immediately try to move onto something else.  I do good for others not for recognition but because I think it is the right thing to do.  I think it will not only help them but it will also help me….it will continue to be part of my journey.  I am proud of who I am and I am proud of my achievements and my accomplishments but I would never be ok with bragging about those things.  My mother has always been the person in my life that I have looked to (without her even knowing sometime)….the person that I knew would mold me and there was no one more humble than her.  I am her.

 I look at where society has been, where it is and the possibility of where it is going and I do have some fears.  I think it is ok to look out for #1 but it is never ok to forget about #2 #3 #4 and so on and so forth.  Life is this great balancing act and when you look out for others you will reap the rewards….you will feel the happiness that everyone well deserves.  From my perspective we have turned into a “Me First” society.   We want to boast our achievements and we fight for the spotlight….just look at the anchors bullying each other on all of the different news channels.  It is ok to want to have your voice heard but it is important to do it in a way that proves you aren’t doing it only for your personal satisfaction.  The goal should always be to strive for the betterment of the whole not just the individuals.  I don’t know if we, as a society, are able to learn that or whether we have sunk too far.

 I have to share something that I just read that brought me to tears and (in my opinion) is a beautiful model of humility.  This is a blog piece written by a woman named Michelle Marchildon.

I Will Not Look the Other Way.

So here’s an interesting thing you may not have known about the young woman who was brutally raped by six men on a bus in India last month:

She was left naked and bleeding on the street, after her assailants rammed an iron pole inside her, which damaged nearly every major internal organ between her pelvis and her throat and caused her eventual death.

The passersby just stared. Nobody helped. Not. One. Person.

Even the police did not offer her and her male friend clothes, and it took them two hours to get help. What were the police doing? Having a smoke?

I may have an opportunity to go to India this year. For a yoga teacher and student of more than 15 years as well as the author of yoga books, this could be a great thing. India to a yoga teacher is like Jerusalem to a Jew; it is the spiritual motherland. Except that this motherland has a sick secret.

Women are raped. A lot.

While only 15,000 rapes were reported in 2011, there are hundreds of thousands more committed routinely against women who do not report these crimes, because to do so would ruin their families.

While rape may ruin a woman’s life, India has a culture where to report it and bring it into the light of justice would cause their family even more harm. They would lose their reputation, their jobs and their friends. They would be outcasts and have to leave the country. The stigma would even follow them to Indian communities in other countries.

It is a stain that cannot be washed away. Ever.

If there is any way to create change, it is economically.

Years ago, South Africa had no incentive whatsoever to deal with the effects of apartheid until the world shined a bright light on it and embargoed trade. Angola and Sierra Leone used Conflict Diamonds to feed their war, those mined by enslaved children as young as eight years old. Now, the largest diamond dealers are careful to trace their product and I can buy jewelry that is not conflict-produced.

If change is going to happen, then it will be started by the outraged world at large; the problem of rape, caste and stigma is too interwoven with the culture for the country to fix it from within.

The solution has to come from without. And that begins with us, the yoga community.

Yogis spend much more time worrying whether their produce is organic than they do that the women of India are safe. We have yogathons for the children of Cambodia and the starving in Africa and the gorillas threatened by the production of palm oil, which are all very good causes. But never, not once, have I been asked to raise money for the brutalized women of India.

Because, according to authorities, they do not exist…until they die in a Singapore hospital.

I will not let this young girl’s death go unnoticed.

I will not be like the passersby that evening in India who let her bleed out on the street like a feral dog.

I will stand with her father, who against all traditions in India demanded yesterday that his daughter be named publicly so that her death has meaning.

If I go to the motherland this year, this ‘mother’ will not go quietly; I will bring with me the outrage of millions of women everywhere.

I will shine a light on this disgrace at every touristy temple.

I won’t be wearing saris, with a dot on my forehead.

I will wear this woman’s name emblazoned on a shirt and stand with her until change, real change happens.

I will not look the other way.

I continually go back to speaking about educating children because that is where we need to start.  We need to stop treating our children like babies and start teaching them compassion and humility in the first moments that they can hear and talk.  Children are like sponges and even before they are able to form words they are absorbing and understanding our words.  We need to start teaching them about modesty and humility from the time they are born and never stop….not even into their adult years.  The only way we will ever have success in compassion, empathy and humility becoming a norm is by making it a revolution…..teaching it and modeling it and never stopping or giving up!!!!  We need to teach our kids that they are special and are wonderful and they deserve greatness but we must be honest in telling them that greatness will not always come…we need to show them that some people never experience greatness.  People will never truly understand what humility is until they are exposed to people with absolutely nothing….and those people are STILL putting others before themselves.  The woman who wrote the article above is willing to risk her own life for the sake of peace.  She is not looking for a pat on the back….she wants the violence toward women to just stop.  She wants these men to learn that there is nothing right about treating women in such a horrific manner.  Like anything else, humility is a very simple thing….it is something each and every one of us is capable of….but it takes work….work that will never end.  Until we become a society willing to do this never-ending work we will never see change.

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Day 357 Question 357

Promise Yourself

Day 357 Question 357:

How is your life different than what you were expecting?

 Growing up I was never really sure how my life was going to turn out.  I never really had a vision in my head.  I always heard about getting older and going to college then getting married and settling down and having lots of babies.  I never could picture my life that way….I never really could picture my life any certain way.  I may have had glimpses of what I thought or hoped would happen but never really a set life plan.  When asked what I wanted to be when I grow up I always said I wanted to be a reporter.  I have loved to write since I was very young.  I loved the ability to be so creative with words and being able to make a story out of almost anything.

 Here it is 2013 and I am single with no children.  I am not bothered by this at all because I never felt a connection to needing those things.  If they happen that is great but I never felt a need or a longing for them.  My purpose in life is to help others….to give as much as I can even if it is small.  I have to share something that changed my entire day yesterday.  A blog reader of mine had friend requested me on Facebook a little while back and nothing really came of it….I am sometimes horrible about staying in touch on Facebook.  I checked my Facebook in the morning yesterday to find that this young man (21 years old) had left a comment on my wall.  This is what it said:

i’m so sorry to bug you but…my god if there ever was a sense of relief and tranquility…your face and name would define it…lol your blog and even the presence of relation you have with many problems is awe inspiring..you make a kid who feels lost and broken…just try to get back on the horse of life and remain focused on all prosperities….i want to thank you a bunch i know it sounds very wild coming from a complete stranger..but…in all honesty you have really dried my tears and made a smirk appear in my face once again…thanks a bunch..i am forever indebted too you 🙂

I responded by telling him that that was hands down the most beautiful compliment I have ever received and his words made me feeling like I was serving my life’s purpose.  We both responded to each other one more time and this is what was said:

Him: Thank You for the extended hand …sometimes when sh** hits the fan ya’know the silence of the occurring just makes you feel like there is no good in this cruel world…you feel like an adult in a high school..ya’know you don’t belong..you ask why,why,why?!?!?..and in that you cry because no one answers the why?!?!?!…I know this is a long thanks but when you have a mental battle with yourself and you ask why?!?!…and from the dark you hear…this is why..and this is how you can overcome that…..it’s like the best deep breath you can ever have….trust me i may sound lol at times a little archaic and very dialogued lol but it’s a way too show an emotion with enough description and less tears (sorry to put you on the spot but i feel you deserve some recognition from somewhere lol Thank You) P.S. thanks for sharing a piece of a new cheese i have never tried before i think it’s called your life’s purpose it is not cheesy to fulfill a blessing placed upon you…it is very admirable of you to share it with people who have no direction.

Me:  Everyone has a direction….we just get a little lost sometimes It means the world to me that I have been able to guide you if even just a little bit. I spent a lot of time wandering myself and my path was filled with a lot of sadness and self-loathing….it took a lot of courage and stepping out of my comfort zones to get to where I am today. Not every day will be perfect or even good but everyday has something to offer. Your words made this day worth every second Thank you again!

Never did I think that I would be someone to help guide another person.  I don’t know what troubles this young man might have or what exactly he may be going through but my words have helped him to know that everything will be ok.  To know that I have helped him (a perfect stranger many states away) is the most amazingly overwhelming feeling in the world.  I could have stayed in a state of depression or self-loathing but I decided that I HAD to change….I NEEDED to change.  I shared my journey of all of my change in this blog and I have made new friends from all over the world and I have helped people through their struggles….because they are able to feel less alone.  I may not be a reporter but I am still writing and I know I will because it is my deep rooted love.  It is what keeps me sane.  I read a quote the other day and of course the author’s name has completely left my mind but it said: “The two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you figure out why.”  One year ago I would have thought nothing of that quote but now I know that once you figure out your purpose and your why….life will be forever changed.

cave

Hugging

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Day 356 Question 356

walk-away

Day 356 Question 356:

When is the time to walk away and when is the time to stay?

There comes a time in all of our lives when we get stuck at a crossroads.  We have absolutely no idea what direction to head.  Do we listen to our head or do we listen to our heart?  Unfortunately the head and heart are usually in conflict….on completely opposite ends of the spectrum.  I have found that what your head is telling you is usually your logical self that is crunching numbers and weighing all of the pros and cons while your heart is telling you to take a chance…to just dive in because you only live once.  I have learned over this past year (and probably longer without even realizing it) that we are so much more than our thoughts…we are our soul and our emotions that make us human.

 There is nothing more important in life than finding your happiness and the peace that is within each of us.  We will have times of chaos and heartache but it is important that we fight to overcome those things.  With that being said, I think it is important that we understand and accept our emotions and once we do that we can see clearly whether we should stay or whether we need to walk away.  I have to give you an example because it is so fresh in my mind.  I have this acquaintance on Facebook.  I know her through a mutual friend but we don’t know much about each other.  What I do know is that she spews a lot of her personal life on her Facebook wall for the public to see.  For the past year or so, her and her boyfriend have been on the biggest emotional rollercoaster imaginable.  They are together and so in love and five minutes later they are broken up and he is the spawn of the devil then ten minutes after that he is so sweet and loving and…well you get the point.  Right after New Year’s Eve she went on a long rant about how he is alcohol dependent and how it is over.  She went on and on about how he won’t leave her apartment (he is not on the lease) and she has been to the police and they said they can’t do anything because she has been letting him stay there.  I immediately felt like that was an excuse on her part but who knows???  She went back and forth with friends about the situation (yes in a public venue) and what got me all caught up was that she said she loves him with all of her heart but she doesn’t love how he treats her.  I couldn’t wrap my brain around it.  This is a man that is more or less abusive that has proven that she is not a priority in his life and he sucks the happiness from her but she loves him.  I know people will say you can’t help who you love but my question is, what is there to love?  This (in my opinion) is not love but instead it is need…it is the need to not be alone.  It is the need to feel wanted…even if it comes sporadically.  I may not be in love at the moment but I undoubtedly know what love is and that is not love….that is codependency and loneliness and abuse…..to self and to another person.  I can’t tell you how long it took me to figure this out.  I can’t tell you how many relationships and dating experiences I had where I compromised all of who I was to make another person happy and never did anything to make myself happy.  When it comes to deciding whether to say to go it really is simple (at least it should be)…..it comes down to questioning your own happiness.  If you are in a relationship of any kind and you find that happiness comes few and far between then it might be time to let go.

 I have an adopted sister that I have not seen or spoken to in almost 7 years.  When I say that to people, many tell me that I need to do everything I can to mend the relationship because she is family.  I understand where people are coming from but people don’t understand where I have come from in my relationship with her.  My sister made it very clear since we were little children that she resented me and that she was never going to like me let alone love me.  My sister made my childhood and teen years very difficult because she was mean and very hateful and she caused great strain on our family as a whole.  Throughout all of this time I tried…I tried and I tried and I tried.  In the back of my mind I kept saying that we are family and one day she will see that I am trying and she will change.  That day never came.  I finally had to decide whether to have her in my life or not and although she is family I could no longer sacrifice my happiness to try to get her to like me.  The time came to walk away because I was never going to be enough for her….or right for her.  I didn’t deserve to be treated like that because this is my life and I value my life and happiness more than anything because it is the only thing that is truly mine so if it means letting go of family then it was what needed to be done.

 I understand the struggle with deciding when to stay and when to walk away.  If we decide to walk away we know what emotions are going to follow and those emotions are never pleasant.  This is easier said than done but by allowing those emotions to come we also allow ourselves to see our strengths…even through the heartache we chose to leave because our happiness was being sacrificed or compromised.  Our happiness should never be sacrificed just to please others….our happiness should increase because of others.  When we find that that is not the case, it may just be time to walk away.

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Day 355 Question 355

earth-love-poet-quote-selfless-sky-Favim.com-103866

Day 355 Question 355:

Can we, as a society, become less selfish and understand that the needs of others are far greater than our own?

In only 10 short days I will have completed this journey I set forth for myself.  When I first started this blog project I was almost sure that I would end up abandoning it at some point because I would lose creative focus.  There were weekend days or days that I was just insanely busy that I took short cuts but I never gave up.  This blog has saved me and introduced me to the me that I did not know was there.  I can’t wait to be finished and to go back and reread all of my thoughts from this past year…to see all of the grammatical errors because of typing at warp speed to try to get all of my feelings and thoughts into words.

 This question was posed to me by a friend through Facebook.  I believe our own needs are important for survival but I also see life as this great balancing act.  There is something indescribable when choosing to do for others over doing for ourselves.  Over this past year I chose to see the world through different lenses.  I tried my hardest to understand the needs of others and give whenever and wherever I could even if it was just with words of kindness or encouragement.  I have learned over time that we are growing into a world that holds the mentality that we are all owed a favor (ok maybe not all but far too many).  I used to teach Teen Outreach Program classes and I had one class of students that were continually bitching and moaning about what everyone else had and how everything was always someone else’s fault.  Meanwhile these students sat in my class and disrespected me every time I was with them by speaking to me in a manner that said “I don’t give a shit about you” and texting on their smart phones while I was trying to teach.  It broke my heart to see a group of young people with such potential believing that there was nothing more important than their own individual needs.  By the end of the year I was ready to be done with this group of students because I felt so defeated and felt like I had made no head way. It was a constant battle because what I was teaching them conflicted with what they were learning from their parents and older siblings. I knew that these kids acted the way they did because they were being shown this type of behavior in their homes (majority of these students came from low-income families that had been living for years on the welfare system) and no one was addressing their behavior and teaching them why it is wrong….no one was showing or teaching them compassion.  Society has the potential to become less selfish but it won’t happen if we don’t look to ourselves and see our own faults and start modeling the behaviors we want to instill in children.  Selfishness and laziness go hand in hand.  If we want our children to practice compassion and kindness we have to do the work and model it for them…we need to admit our wrongdoings and show them when to take ownership.  Unfortunately, our society has become too lazy to do the work so we have placed blame and pointed fingers at everyone else instead of admitting we are/were wrong and apologizing and moving forward.

 The answer to this question is undoubtedly yes.  We can become a less selfish society BUT that does not mean we will.  I hate to say it but with the continual advancement of technology and the need for gadgets and material goods, we are losing sight of the importance of relationships.  We live in a country where even the politicians are only looking out for #1 (this last election proved that).  How can we expect our upcoming children to be compassionate and empathetic when our “leaders” are acting the most selfish of them all?  I have always believed that every school (starting in Elementary school) should have a class for all students that focuses on compassion and empathy and giving back.  Yes, I realize that a lot of schools give opportunities for kids to volunteer but I believe that children need to be taught what exactly compassion and empathy are and be given the opportunity to discuss it and decide for themselves how they are going to give back instead of being forced into it.  We need the basics in school (math, science, English, etc.) but with the state of the world we really need to start teaching our kids about humility and kindness and the importance of helping others….we will never walk in another person’s shoes so we have no idea what struggles they may be going through.  About 6 months ago I went to my usual gas station to get coffee and a couple was sitting outside with a sign that said: TRYING TO GET BACK HOME TO FLORIDA, COULD YOU PLEASE HELP?  The two were dressed kind of “raggedy” and could definitely use a shower.  Before getting back into my car I fished $10 out of my purse and handed it to the woman and said, “I hope that you may it back home soon and I ask of you to please do a good deed for someone when you get there.”  The woman was so thankful and said, “Yes maam, thank you maam, we sure will.”  I told a few people about them and everyone kept saying that I probably just fed their drinking or drug habits.  My response was, “That may be true and it may not be.  I have to believe that they were trying to get home and needed help.  They may have had kids waiting for them.  I do not know their story and in that moment the right thing to do was trust that they needed help and do what I could.”  I did not do this for any recognition or for a pat on the back.  I did it because two people were asking for help and I truly believe that when you do something good for another person/people it opens the door for them to do good as well.  I believe it could lead someone to be inspired.  There will come a time when I am going to need help and I have to believe that by doing for others I will have done for me in times of hardship.  I believe you get back what you put out there.  Yes, we are looking out for ourselves but at the same time we are teaching and modeling what humanity should be like.  This is what needs to be taught very early on in life….to belief in the goodness in people….to do everything to not judge or assume because everyone has a different life story.

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Day 354 Question 354

astrology

Day 354 Question 354:

Do you believe in horoscopes and everything that has to do with astrological signs?

I know very little about astrology and the aligning of the planets and all of their meanings but I surely do read horoscopes.  I can’t lie, I am often amazed at how closely my personal horoscopes match my daily life and who I am.  I am a Sagittarius.  I was born right on the cusp on November 24, 1978 at 5:08am.  There is so much of me in my sign that I see as truth.

Sagittarius women are quite independent and love their freedom.

If you want to get something done from a Sagittarian female, just ask her; don’t order. She will never ever do it. She is your better half and don’t you dare forget that. On the other hand, she doesn’t want a sissy for a husband or boyfriend. He has to be a real man, who has his ego and won’t stand for nonsense. So, you will be expected to balance politeness with firmness.

A Sagittarian female is very optimistic, but she is not irrational. She will judge the entire situation as per the facts, analyze its probable outcome and still believe that things will get better. Usually, she is very calm and composed. However, when you become rude to her or offend her, she may become like the fire-spitting dragon.

She says what she thinks and how she acts shows what she feels. This bluntness may cost her heavily at times, even to the point of ending the relationship. Still, she would act as if she’s not hurt at all and it is just one of the many harmless flirtations she’s had. People will even believe all this, while inside she will be weeping and nursing her wounds. All this time, she will be analyzing what went wrong and when.

She is very sentimental and emotional, though it seems otherwise. It just that, where her feelings are concerned, she becomes too shy.

Traits of a Sagittarius….

    Fun

    Optimist

    Good-natured

    Sociable

    Spiritual

    Impatient

    Fears responsibility

    Self-indulgence

    Fanaticism

    Peter Pan syndrome

    Tendency to gamble

Likes…

    Freedom

    Unusual ideas

    Being on the move

    Parties

    Luxury items

    Gambling

    New friends

    Flirting

Dislikes…

    Public disapproval

    Playing safe

    Confinement

    Monotony

    Tight clothes/areas

    Being doubted

    Being refused

The word ‘marriage’ makes a Sagittarian female a little nervous and you will need to tempt her in order to make her settle down. She is a little hard to catch and tends to be one of the boys all the time. That doesn’t mean she looks or acts like a man! Infact, she is as female as any other girl is. The society and its norms do not matter to her.

Their gifts fit Sagittarians for a number of widely differing professions. They are natural teachers and philosophers with a talent for expounding the moral principles and laws which seem to explain the universe.

Sagittarians have a positive outlook on life, are full of enterprise, energy, versatility, adventurousness and eagerness to extend experience beyond the physically familiar. They enjoy travelling and exploration, the more so because their minds are constantly open to new dimensions of thought. They are basically ambitious and optimistic, and continue to be so even when their hopes are dashed.

They are usually on the side of the underdog in society they will fight for any cause they believe to be just, and are prepared to be rebellious. They balance loyalty with independence.

They have both profound and widely ranging minds, equipped with foresight and good judgement, and they can be witty conversationalists. They love to initiate new projects (they make excellent researchers) and have an urge to understand conceptions that are new to them. they think rapidly, are intuitive and often original, but are better at adapting than inventing and are at their best when working with colleagues of other types of character that compliment their own.

 

 

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Day 353 Question 353

life and death

Day 353 Question 353:

If you could know exactly when, where and how you were going to die, would you want to know?  Why or why not?

Ok, so the question is morbid I know.  I have been obsessed with watching Greys Anatomy on Netflix and I have been fascinated with the amount of medical conditions there are in the world…the conditions that are curable and those that don’t even have a name.  My grandfather was never diagnosed with Alzheimers but he showed many similar characteristics.  At the end of his life doctors concluded that it was hardening of the arteries that caused his dementia and loss of memory.  My grandfather died when I was 13 years old and I have only 1 or 2 tiny memories of his being in a lucid state.  He was always very sweet and kind to people but (for what I remember) he didn’t know who anyone was…we were all strangers meeting for the first time and he was just very respectful and welcoming.  He engaged in conversation some but he was unaware of pretty much anything…he was unaware of his life as a whole.  It was almost as if his past never even existed and he never questioned that…because of his mental state he had no reason to.  My father visited his father as often as possible and he talked to him normally and asked questioned and just went on with life as normally as possible.  Now as an adult I wonder what my father was feeling inside.  I wonder if it tore him up knowing that his father had no idea who his own son was.  I don’t know if this is an awful thing to think but I have always said I would rather my parents pass away than live a life where they didn’t know who I am….I could not imagine a life in which my parents became strangers to me one day because they have no idea who I am and how I am important in their lives.

I have heard people say over and over again that death is a part of life.  I would like to think that when my time comes I would be ready and ok with it but right now I do admit to fearing death.  The reason I fear it is because it is something I will do all alone.  I may be surrounded by lots of people when I do but in the end…it is me and me only that is going and it is the unknown that scares me the most.  I am a curious soul in this life and I have no set beliefs or convictions when it comes to the idea of Heaven and Hell so I sit in this life just floating wondering what will happen to me when my final day arrives.  What is Hell does exist and it is 100 times worse than anything I could have ever imagined?  If there is a Heaven will I really be reunited with the people I have lost?  Will they know me?  Will I know them?  Is there an afterlife?  There is so much unknown and the nature of my being thinks there is great possibility of an afterlife (and of course previous lives) but this life thus far has given me no set answers and I wonder if any life ever will.  This sort of curiosity is part of the beauty of life (in my eyes) but also a factor to the madness that sometimes overwhelms my mind.

So many people say they would not want to know when and how they were going to die because it would put too much pressure on them….it would be too scary.  I understand that and a part of me feels that way too because it would be taking away from the natural progression of life BUT I also feel that if we were to know then we would have the chance to rewrite our stories and live life to the absolute fullest….at least I would choose to do so.  I admit that sometimes I stall in life.  I do not take advantage of all opportunities and sometimes I hide away.  I have yet to figure out if it is fear or just plain laziness that makes me that way sometimes….sometimes I think I am just sick of doing everything by myself.  With a deadline excuses become invalid.  If I knew that I was going to lose all memory I would try to make as many as possible before they were gone….before I lost who everyone was around me.

This question is such a hard one for me because I am the type that succeeds through challenge and deadline….that is where I see my purpose.  With that being said though, I strongly feel like knowing the when, where and how of your death would mess too much with the natural cycle of life.  We do not know for good reasons…because we are meant to live without knowing what our next step is going to be.  Even though the unknown can be scary….that is what life is….one challenge after another….the challenge to see how we are going to react and respond.  It is when I speak of this that I believe in the possibility of a God.  I believe that if a God does exist he lays a plan for everyone to see how they are going to respond….unfortunately some people react out of anger with violence.  It is through this violence and this anger that I remain grounded and remind myself that as hard as it may feel that compromise and rational thought are the best reactions in situations.  It took me a long time to realize and to learn that when reacting in anger or depression that my body and mind suffer.  Through everything that happens I believe in nature….I believe in the natural way of our being.  To take that away by being given a date of our death would destroy the natural state of life.

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Day 352 Question 352

Good-Bye-2012

Day 352 Question 352:

What were the most memorable moments of 2012?

GOODBYE 2012 HELLO 2013!!!!

We saw a lot of crazy and wild moments in 2012.  It is unfortunate that there were a lot of major moments that left people widowed and deeply saddened.  2012 was a good year for me but we did not come at all close to a work striving toward peaceful resolutions.  2012 (in my opinion) is a year to learn from and an opportunity to change because we desperately need change.  We need to give up the fight and anger and start listening to each other.  There was not all bad in 2012….there were incredible moments….watching the US take away so many gold medals make me feel great pride in my country.  Even through great devastation such as the Colorado movie theater shooting and the horrific massacre in Newton, we saw complete strangers come together and offer comfort to each other….we need more of this comforting and more of this compassion in the world and we do not need horrific events to be the reason behind this unity.  There were an incredible amount of memorable moments in 2012 but it is these images below that made a significant impact on me.  What were the most memorable moments for you…my readers???

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Day 351 Question 351

this is the year

Day 351 Question 351:

What do you hope for the New Year?

We have less than 24 hours before it is officially 2013.  In just 3 short years it will be 20 years since I graduated high school.  It seems impossible…time has flown by at warp speed.  I have no big plans to ring in the New Year.  I have become a low key person and even though it bothers me sometimes, I prefer it that way.

To me when we hope for things…they are the things that we want but we do not linger on disappointment if they do not happen (at least for me).  For the New Year ahead I have a great amount of hopes….for myself, for my family, for my friends, for my country and for the world.  2012 was my year of growth and self-discovery.  The year came with great clarity and great happiness but of course there were moments of sadness and let downs.  For the New Year I hope for good health for my parents so they are able to continue traveling and spending more time with their friends and soaking up all that life has to offer them.  I hope for many more new friendships.  I hope for even greater knowledge and experiences that make me grow.  I hope to be at least one step closer to publishing a book.  I hope that the world sees less violence (but unfortunately I doubt that will happen).

There is such great beauty in the world and I do everything in my power to focus on that but I believe there is still a lot that needs to be changed and redirected.  I am an advocate for women and love to see women thrive in everything that they want.  I hope to see more young girls stop worrying about their looks and their image and use their gifts and talents for a greater good.  I hope that we see less bullying and incidents of teen suicide.  I hope we as adults give more time to the young people and teach them compassion and empathy and the importance of humanitarianism.  I hope there is improvement in our government and our “leaders” stop being the face of bullying and start being the role models and mentors they are meant to be.  I hope that this country does not start becoming more aggressive….I hope war amongst our own people does not break out on our land.  I hope that with the continuing advancement in technology that we don’t lose sight of the importance of relationships and family.  I hope I keep stepping out of my comfort zone and continue to face fears.

Of course I could go on and on but alas I shall end for now.  To all of my friends that are reading this I hope your 2013 is filled with great love and you are surrounded with kindness and joy.

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Day 350 Question 350

Broken-heart-3

Day 350 Question 350:

What is something that you feel you have no control over?

I spent the day alone.  I never left my apartment.  I spent the day with my thoughts.  Sometimes I love days like that and other days I absolutely hate them.  I was texting a friend and happened to state that I have not been in a serious relationship in over 6 years.  The last guy I dated was over a year ago and I have not been touched by a man since then.  It hit me for some reason today….I really did give up.  After the last guy and I parted ways I said that I was done….I was not going to date and I was just over it all.  I have said that after every guy that I have dated or been rejected by but after the last one I realized that it really did stick.  Over the past year I have completely opened myself up to a world I had been so blind to but I have completely closed myself off to any form of romantic love.  It feels to me as if that part of me that ached for love at one time has died…or is very broken (possibly beyond repair).  I am tired of feeling sad and hurt and rejected and just not good enough and being 34 years old I have just lost hope.  I told my friend that I equate the wanting to be in a relationship to being weak.  I continually tell myself that I am better on my own because that way I won’t get my heart broken again….I won’t feel the disappointment or the self-questioning.  Dating and relationships are the only aspect of my life in which I question and doubt myself…..and I know how unhealthy that is but I am not going to deny it or lie about it.  I have been broken so many times and the last guy I dated seemed to be the final straw….he pulled me apart and I let him…..he took so much from me and I let him.  I wanted to love him and wanted him to love me back and the harder I tried the deeper the knife went into my heart and I know that is no one’s fault but my own.

You have this idea when you are a kid of what love is like.  Everything is always perfect and your Prince Charming will always say and do the right things and be there in your times of need.  I have never been able to stop believing in this idea….even if everyone tells me that fairytales aren’t real.  I don’t want any man except one that is kind…one that will do everything to not hurt me and will have a picture of me sitting in the back of his mind at all times.  I have always wanted to be someone’s everything and after seeing everyone else feel that and me only feel sad and disappointed I have given up.  I still believe in the fairytale and will only settle for that but it is now in the hands of my prince to find me because I am too exhausted from looking.  What is out of my control sometimes is my feelings and I have felt sad and lonely and when I feel this way I feel weak….I feel like I should know better.  I feel the need to prove to everyone that I am independent and I don’t need anyone to lift me up but I am lying not only to others but to myself.  Into the Wild is one of my favorite movies and Chris McCandless said “Experiences are always better when they are shared.”  He learned this when he hiked through Alaska all by himself before his untimely death…..he realized that his experience was amazing but it was not as amazing because he had no one to share the details with.  As independent as I try to be and as tough as I try to be on the exterior with my “I don’t give a shit” attitude, on the inside I do feel loneliness sometimes and I miss having someone to just be with….even just their presence without words is comforting.

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