Day 350 Question 350

Broken-heart-3

Day 350 Question 350:

What is something that you feel you have no control over?

I spent the day alone.  I never left my apartment.  I spent the day with my thoughts.  Sometimes I love days like that and other days I absolutely hate them.  I was texting a friend and happened to state that I have not been in a serious relationship in over 6 years.  The last guy I dated was over a year ago and I have not been touched by a man since then.  It hit me for some reason today….I really did give up.  After the last guy and I parted ways I said that I was done….I was not going to date and I was just over it all.  I have said that after every guy that I have dated or been rejected by but after the last one I realized that it really did stick.  Over the past year I have completely opened myself up to a world I had been so blind to but I have completely closed myself off to any form of romantic love.  It feels to me as if that part of me that ached for love at one time has died…or is very broken (possibly beyond repair).  I am tired of feeling sad and hurt and rejected and just not good enough and being 34 years old I have just lost hope.  I told my friend that I equate the wanting to be in a relationship to being weak.  I continually tell myself that I am better on my own because that way I won’t get my heart broken again….I won’t feel the disappointment or the self-questioning.  Dating and relationships are the only aspect of my life in which I question and doubt myself…..and I know how unhealthy that is but I am not going to deny it or lie about it.  I have been broken so many times and the last guy I dated seemed to be the final straw….he pulled me apart and I let him…..he took so much from me and I let him.  I wanted to love him and wanted him to love me back and the harder I tried the deeper the knife went into my heart and I know that is no one’s fault but my own.

You have this idea when you are a kid of what love is like.  Everything is always perfect and your Prince Charming will always say and do the right things and be there in your times of need.  I have never been able to stop believing in this idea….even if everyone tells me that fairytales aren’t real.  I don’t want any man except one that is kind…one that will do everything to not hurt me and will have a picture of me sitting in the back of his mind at all times.  I have always wanted to be someone’s everything and after seeing everyone else feel that and me only feel sad and disappointed I have given up.  I still believe in the fairytale and will only settle for that but it is now in the hands of my prince to find me because I am too exhausted from looking.  What is out of my control sometimes is my feelings and I have felt sad and lonely and when I feel this way I feel weak….I feel like I should know better.  I feel the need to prove to everyone that I am independent and I don’t need anyone to lift me up but I am lying not only to others but to myself.  Into the Wild is one of my favorite movies and Chris McCandless said “Experiences are always better when they are shared.”  He learned this when he hiked through Alaska all by himself before his untimely death…..he realized that his experience was amazing but it was not as amazing because he had no one to share the details with.  As independent as I try to be and as tough as I try to be on the exterior with my “I don’t give a shit” attitude, on the inside I do feel loneliness sometimes and I miss having someone to just be with….even just their presence without words is comforting.

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11 Responses to Day 350 Question 350

  1. Chuck says:

    I know what you mean. I’ve been dateless for a number of years now myself. I fill my time with various activities and stay busy, but it would be nice to have someone to to “be” with. I often find that I disappear into the crowd at events, talking to friends, mingling and making conversation. It’s fun and I enjoy it, but in the end, I go home and sleep alone. I realize it’s up to me to change things and I will, eventually…but for now, it is what it is.

  2. rheath40 says:

    Honey, I believe you have a lot to offer someone. You just haven’t found the one. The one that makes you want to be a better person. Not to worry, they haven’t found you either. Believe me they’re looking just as hard, for you. I’ve been married for 23 years. It’s not been easy. It is a struggle every day. But I know, I know the man makes me better. I make him better. That’s what a relationship is. We shouldn’t have to change who we are to be loved. Our beings become more vibrant when we are loved for everything we are and are not. You will find, the one.

  3. Aww.. I just want to give you a hug!

  4. frankoshanko says:

    I can totally relate. It can go both ways. What I’ve realized about me is that I needed to really love myself first, identify who I am and look to make friends with like-minded people. If one of those friendships develops into a healthy romance, wonderful! If not, I’ll be living a fulfilling life and giving myself the best possible chance of landing a healthy relationship. In the past, I’ve wanted love so badly that I’ve tried to make it work with women who weren’t ready or were not capable of healthy love yet. We do have to heal our wounds by knowing how wonderful we are. We also need to go slow in evaluating potential partners, so we can give ourselves good odds. Relationships are hard with good partners. When we pick unhealthy partners, our chances are not good! So instead of beating ourselves up, or giving up, or dreaming about fairy tale endings, we can be the healthy person who can attract the healthy type we’re looking for! I think you’re in for a wonderful surprise someday! 🙂

  5. bibuji says:

    Here we have 5 mins as 2012. Wish you a happy new year. Keep on questioning, you will have more than the answer!

  6. rich says:

    i don’t have control over my relationship with my older daughter because her mother consistently poisons her against me. the mom has gone so far as to suggest that i and my family have been involved in some horrible criminal activity. i told her lawyer that he better find a way to shut her up quickly.

    happy new year. i hope your year-long project was all you wanted and more.

  7. Anyone who calls it a ‘fairytale’ has never been in love, they’ve only been in lust.

    My mother once told me that the reason there are so many people in the world, is because there’s someone special and perfect for each of us, but that sometimes, some of us have to wade through a lot of turkeys before we can see and appreciate ‘the one’ when he comes along, which might sound cliché, but it made sense to me at the time.

    You’re not weak, you’re discerning. Love is the antithesis of weakness. He’s out there, looking for you as much as you are, him, I promise. Chin up, girlfriend…and Happy New Year Hugs to you 🙂

  8. Diane, life is full of seasons. Some are full of love, some are missing that component. Find the blessings in this season and prepare yourself for whatever the next might be. Many wishes for all the best in this new year.
    Carole

  9. I believe in fairytales too 😉
    I believe there is someone perfect for each and every one of us – and we are not weak for wishing to have a relationship like we see other people have.
    Although, we do not need a relationship to make us happy – we have to find that happiness on our own. Once we can be happy on our own, can we truly be happy with someone else.
    http://wp.me/p2tQeN-3c – is a post I wrote about this very thing.
    At 41 I’m still waiting!
    All the very best for 2013. xx

  10. jimmydevious says:

    Believe it or not, you’re not alone, pretty much everybody has been in the internal place where you are with love right now (well…uhh except manboy hunk sociopaths and psycho hosebeasts 😉 lol )

    But MOST of us have been in a similiar place. Hell, in some ways, I’m still there right now. I met someone fantastic long ago, I was forced by a “rock and a hard place” type circumbstance to let her go KNOWING that it was going to hurt, but, I had to. Never found anyone that has come close to her since, and have been in few “things” that I’d call relationships since her, but I still put myself out there when I can, because, well you never know. She dropped into my life out of the blue clear sky, so who knows? Maybe the lighting of love will strike twice? 😉 I don’t know, but I am always willing to hope. And when you’re ready, you’ll probably hope again too. 🙂

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