Day 353 Question 353:

If you could know exactly when, where and how you were going to die, would you want to know?  Why or why not?

Ok, so the question is morbid I know.  I have been obsessed with watching Greys Anatomy on Netflix and I have been fascinated with the amount of medical conditions there are in the world…the conditions that are curable and those that don’t even have a name.  My grandfather was never diagnosed with Alzheimers but he showed many similar characteristics.  At the end of his life doctors concluded that it was hardening of the arteries that caused his dementia and loss of memory.  My grandfather died when I was 13 years old and I have only 1 or 2 tiny memories of his being in a lucid state.  He was always very sweet and kind to people but (for what I remember) he didn’t know who anyone was…we were all strangers meeting for the first time and he was just very respectful and welcoming.  He engaged in conversation some but he was unaware of pretty much anything…he was unaware of his life as a whole.  It was almost as if his past never even existed and he never questioned that…because of his mental state he had no reason to.  My father visited his father as often as possible and he talked to him normally and asked questioned and just went on with life as normally as possible.  Now as an adult I wonder what my father was feeling inside.  I wonder if it tore him up knowing that his father had no idea who his own son was.  I don’t know if this is an awful thing to think but I have always said I would rather my parents pass away than live a life where they didn’t know who I am….I could not imagine a life in which my parents became strangers to me one day because they have no idea who I am and how I am important in their lives.

I have heard people say over and over again that death is a part of life.  I would like to think that when my time comes I would be ready and ok with it but right now I do admit to fearing death.  The reason I fear it is because it is something I will do all alone.  I may be surrounded by lots of people when I do but in the end…it is me and me only that is going and it is the unknown that scares me the most.  I am a curious soul in this life and I have no set beliefs or convictions when it comes to the idea of Heaven and Hell so I sit in this life just floating wondering what will happen to me when my final day arrives.  What is Hell does exist and it is 100 times worse than anything I could have ever imagined?  If there is a Heaven will I really be reunited with the people I have lost?  Will they know me?  Will I know them?  Is there an afterlife?  There is so much unknown and the nature of my being thinks there is great possibility of an afterlife (and of course previous lives) but this life thus far has given me no set answers and I wonder if any life ever will.  This sort of curiosity is part of the beauty of life (in my eyes) but also a factor to the madness that sometimes overwhelms my mind.

So many people say they would not want to know when and how they were going to die because it would put too much pressure on them….it would be too scary.  I understand that and a part of me feels that way too because it would be taking away from the natural progression of life BUT I also feel that if we were to know then we would have the chance to rewrite our stories and live life to the absolute fullest….at least I would choose to do so.  I admit that sometimes I stall in life.  I do not take advantage of all opportunities and sometimes I hide away.  I have yet to figure out if it is fear or just plain laziness that makes me that way sometimes….sometimes I think I am just sick of doing everything by myself.  With a deadline excuses become invalid.  If I knew that I was going to lose all memory I would try to make as many as possible before they were gone….before I lost who everyone was around me.

This question is such a hard one for me because I am the type that succeeds through challenge and deadline….that is where I see my purpose.  With that being said though, I strongly feel like knowing the when, where and how of your death would mess too much with the natural cycle of life.  We do not know for good reasons…because we are meant to live without knowing what our next step is going to be.  Even though the unknown can be scary….that is what life is….one challenge after another….the challenge to see how we are going to react and respond.  It is when I speak of this that I believe in the possibility of a God.  I believe that if a God does exist he lays a plan for everyone to see how they are going to respond….unfortunately some people react out of anger with violence.  It is through this violence and this anger that I remain grounded and remind myself that as hard as it may feel that compromise and rational thought are the best reactions in situations.  It took me a long time to realize and to learn that when reacting in anger or depression that my body and mind suffer.  Through everything that happens I believe in nature….I believe in the natural way of our being.  To take that away by being given a date of our death would destroy the natural state of life.