Day 343 Question 343:

What makes you YOU?

My life is so different than it was just ten years ago….and drastically different from what it was 15 years ago.  Back in the day I was the life of the party.  I was constantly seeking out different places to go and I would go with pretty much anyone.  I have become this person that has chosen quality over quantity.  I spend a lot of time alone and sometimes it bothers me but at other times it is all I want.  I think I spend a lot of time alone because I view relationships so differently now than I did in my younger years.  I have no desire to spend time with people that I share absolutely no common ground with and people that don’t get me excited to be with them.  Just like not ever wanting to settle when it comes to love, I no longer want to settle in my friendships either because that (to me) is voluntarily wasting your time.  I spent all of this time living on the surface and now that I have taken that deeper dive it is difficult for me to be around people still living on the surface.  I really do not mean that as an insult by any means and I also do not view myself as superior.  Like any relationship, there must be the ability to relate to each other in order to find success….to be able to continue the relationship.  I have backed out of dates more than once over this past year because I knew from the very beginning that the other person and myself were never going to mesh….our puzzle pieces were never going to come together.  It may sound like I am pushing people away and maybe I am doing harm but I have chosen quality over quantity.  I would rather have 1-2 friends that I can be myself with and say anything than dozens of people surrounding me and feel uncomfortable because I have no idea what to say.  I have grown confident over the past couple of years but I am also different and I yearn to crash into people that I can talk to with ease…..I am in desperate need to get excited about someone because they just seem to fit.  I need depth to better understand myself and to better understand the world around me.

I sometimes think I am extremely selfish.  I want to do things to benefit myself…..I want others to teach me and to help me grow.  I want to do for others anything and everything that I can but sometimes I do it for my own benefit…..so I don’t feel so lost….so I do what I believe my purpose is.  I am constantly thinking about me and what is going to happen to me and how I am going to handle things and I believe that I am that way because I am all that I really know and understand.  I can only feel through my senses and I am always seeking answers and have the urge to at least try to understand what other people think and feel.  I guess I am the person that still seems to think there is some sort of rule book for life and I just keep on breaking all of the rules…..like I am not living up to standard sometimes.  I am the girl with an endless amount of questions running through my head.  I am the girl that worries because I don’t know if I am feeling what I should be feeling….am I depressed by clinical standard?  Do I obsess over things that the majority doesn’t even think about?  Am I normal?  I know it sounds silly but when your brain is in such a constant motion you can’t help but wonder these things and I think it is this constant wonder that has made me become introverted and being this introverted is such a change of pace from the life I have always know.  I am having trouble accepting my new introverted ways.  I know that it is certain types of people that can bring me out of my shell and bring out my passions and desires and I will leave the nest when the time feels right with the right people.  I am the girl that has found this beautiful journey and appreciates this beautiful journey more than words can even say but I am also the girl that has not stopped beating herself and probably never will because it is all she has ever known.  I know it is not healthy to beat myself up but by doing so I stir my creativity and I push myself that much harder to keep fighting in this world that is headed in a direction that no one knows.  I am the girl that has spent a lot of time settling for so much less than she deserves and have given my everything in relationships (whether it be romantic, family or friends) and have fought for people that have made it clear that they have never and will never fight the same way for me.  I am the sensitive girl that just wants to be seen….the girl that wants people to get excited knowing that I am around.  I am the girl with love seeping from her pores waiting to share it….but sometimes feeling like wandering aimlessly alone through a crowd.  I am the contradiction to the rule.  I am far more beautiful in my soul than my body.  I am the girl that still fears a great deal but also knows she MUST be strong because this world is all about survival of the fittest.  I am the girl that will always be better on paper than in vocal word…although I can rock a good speech from time to time….I just can write with far more ease.  I am the girl with this entire life and thought process that I have never shared…that I have never breathed a word about.