Day 139 Question 139:

What makes you happy?

Having to work on a Sunday does not make me happy but it is one of those necessary evils of life.  I am happy about who I get to work with so it all evens itself out in the end.  I am about to head to the pool to catch some rays before having to go into work.  I decided on answering this question because I sometimes think we need those reminders of those things floating around in life that make us happy.  What would you add to your list?

1)      Laughing with a good friend(s) until my face hurts.

2)      Having a person in my life (friend, family member, wife, husband, etc.) that I can talk to about anything and you feel absolutely, 100% comfortable with.

3)      Having air in my lungs and opportunities to see and experience new things every single day.

4)      Having 2 loving parents that have shown me what love really is.

5)      Watching children grow up and learn to walk and talk….I may not have any of my own but I still find the whole process so beautiful.

6)      Looking at life in a positive light…there is bad in the world and some days might suck all of the life out of me but it doesn’t have control over me.

7)      Being who I am makes me happy.  I am compassionate, empathetic, kind and caring.  I want to help change the world for the better and every day I seek new knowledge because there is an abundance that can be learned and I want to take in as much as I possibly can.

I could list a million things that make me happy because I see so much opportunity in the world.  I have stopped taking so much for granted and I have soaked in the beauty that surrounds me.

Day 138 Question 138:

What are some images that have inspired you/moved you in some way or another?

There are images in the world that can move us to tears or inspire us to do great things.  I came across an image yesterday that inspired me to make this my topic for the day.  The world is the massive place all around us and there is so much we are all unaware of that is going on in other parts of the world.  I sat with a my very dear friend last night after we had finished work and I told him what great appreciation I had for working in a place with such diversity.  The staff at the restaurant is made up of people from northern US, southern US, Mexico, Indonesia, Thailand, etc.  It has been this enlightening experience because I have learned so much about me.  I have been able to see people in a whole different light and I was able to see that I did have unfair prejudices in the past.  The people I work with have taught me so much about the culture of the world.  I cannot even start to express how lucky I am to have such an experience that opened my eyes just a little bit more to this world around me.

I started to surf the Internet and I found new images and I found images I have seen many times before that brought me an immediate feeling of emotion….sometimes the emotion was disbelief while at other times the emotion was hope.  Some images gave me a hope for a better tomorrow and a better future and allowed me to see the beauty in humankind.  Other images allowed me to see how ugly humankind can be and made me understand the severity of war and violence that controls so much of the world.  Either way, these images moved me….these images made me feel alive and I wanted to share them with you.  If you have any images that you could share I would absolutely love that.  :0)

1) Phyllis Siegel, 76, left, and Connie Kopelov, 84, both of New York, embrace after becoming the first same-sex couple to get married at the Manhattan City Clerk’s office.

2)  Robert Peraza, who lost his son Robert David Peraza in 9/11, pauses at his son’s name at the North Pool of the 9/11 Memorial.

3)

“Gandhi at his Spinning Wheel,” the defining portrait of one of the 20th century’s most influential figures, almost didn’t happen, thanks to the Mahatma’s strict demands. Granted a rare opportunity to photograph India’s leader; Life staffer Margaret Bourke-White was all set to shoot when Gandhi’s secretaries stopped her cold: If she was going to photograph Gandhi at the spinning wheel (a symbol for India’s struggle for independence), she first had to learn to use one herself.

But that wasn’t all. The ascetic Mahatma wasn’t to be spoken to (it being his day of silence.) And because he detested bright light, Bourke-White was only allowed to use three flashbulbs. Having cleared all these hurdles, however, there was still one more – the humid Indian weather, which wreaked havoc on her camera equipment. When time finally came to shoot, Bourke-White’s first flashbulb failed. And while the second one worked, she forgot to pull the slide, rendering it blank.

She thought it was all over, but luckily, the third attempt was successful. In the end, she came away with an image that became Gandhi’s most enduring representation. it was also among the last portraits of his life; he was assassinated less than two years later.

4) World Press Photo of the Year: 1994 James Nachtwey, USA, Magnum Photos for Time. Rwanda, June 1994. Hutu man mutilated by the Hutu ‘Interahamwe’ militia, who suspected him of sympathizing with the Tutsi rebels. About the image Nachtwey says his specialty is dealing with ground level realities with a human dimension. He feels that people need photography to help them understand what’s going on in the world, and believes that pictures can have a great influence on shaping public opinion and mobilizing protest.

5)  Starving Boy and Missionary
Wells felt indignant that the same publication that sat on his picture for five months without publishing it, while people were dying, entered it into a competition. He was embarrassed to win as he never entered the competition himself, and was against winning prizes with pictures of people starving to death. (World Press Photo of the Year: 1980 Mike Wells, United Kingdom. Karamoja district, Uganda, April 1980).

6)  Slain Navy SEAL Jon Tumilson’s dog “Hawkeye” lies next to his casket during funeral services in Rockford, Iowa. Tumilson was one of 30 American soldiers killed in Afghanistan on August 6 when their helicopter was shot down during a mission to help fellow troops who had come under fire.

 7) US gay service members march in a gay pride parade for the first time ever.

8)  A U.S. Army soldier takes five with an Afghan boy during a patrol in Pul-e Alam, a town in Logar province, eastern Afghanistan.

9)  The Photograph That Ended a War But Ruined a Life “Murder of a Vietcong by Saigon Police Chief”Eddie Adams, 1968- “Still photographs are the most powerful weapon in the world,” AP photojournalist Eddie Adams once wrote. A fitting quote for Adams, because his 1968 photograph of an officer shooting a handcuffed prisoner in the head at point-blank range not only earned him a Pulitzer Prize in 1969, but also went a long way toward souring Americans’ attitudes about the Vietnam War.

For all the image’s political impact, though, the situation wasn’t as black-and-white as it’s rendered. What Adams’ photograph doesn’t reveal is that the man being shot was the captain of a Vietcong “revenge squad” that had executed dozens of unarmed civilians earlier the same day. Regardless, it instantly became an icon of the war’s savagery and made the official pulling the trigger – General Nguyen Ngoc Loan – its iconic villain.

Sadly, the photograph’s legacy would haunt Loan for the rest of his life. Following the war, he was reviled where ever he went. After an Australian VA hospital refused to treat him, he was transferred to the United States, where he was met with a massive (though unsuccessful) campaign to deport him. He eventually settled in Virginia and opened a restaurant but was forced to close it down as soon as his past caught up with him. Vandals scrawled “we know who you are” on his walls, and business dried up.

Adams felt so bad for Loan that he apologized for having taken the photo at all, admitting, “The general killed the Vietcong; I killed the general with my camera.”

10)  Picture of segregated water fountains in North Carolina taken by Elliott Erwitt

Lastly, the cover photo- Afghan Girl
And of course the afghan girl, picture shot by National Geographic photographer Steve McCurry. Sharbat Gula was one of the students in an informal school within the refugee camp; McCurry, rarely given the opportunity to photograph Afghan women, seized the opportunity and captured her image. She was approximately 12 years old at the time. She made it on the cover of National Geographic next year, and her identity was discovered in 1992.

Day 137 Question 137:

Do you believe that some people just don’t care?

This is a random question I know…and a vague one at that.  Yesterday I got out of work early so I did my usual routine of afternoon meditation then the gym.  It was nice to get done a little earlier because it gave me a little extra time to do some things…download music, enjoy a long shower, grill steaks, etc.  I decided to crawl into my bed last night after dinner and just relax my body and my mind.  I checked out Netflix and decided I was in a documentary kind of mood.  So much for turning off my mind.  I had read different reviews for the past few months on a documentary titled Dear Zachary: A Letter to A Son About His Father.  While surfing through documentary titled I stumbled upon it and decided this was the night to check it out.  What a sad but beautiful story.  Hands down I believe everyone should watch this because it gives such an honest look into the judicial system and an eye opening realism of how governments can be completely blind and completely crooked.

Just to give you an idea of what the film was about I have copied a plot summary from Wikipedia (yes I know Wikipedia can be a joke but after seeing the documentary this description is spot on):

The filmmaker is a childhood friend of Bagby, and when he begins making home movies, Bagby frequently appears in them. As they become more professional in quality in later years, Bagby invests in them as well. Bagby is a 28-year-old medical student when he meets Shirley Jane Turner, a twice-divorced Canadian American general practitioner thirteen years his senior. Bagby’s parents, friends, and associates are wary of the relationship, but initially Turner seems to keep Bagby grounded and relatively free of stress as he pursues his career. Turner lives and works in Council Bluffs, Iowa, while Bagby works as a resident in family practice in Latrobe, Pennsylvania. Eventually, the relationship crumbles and they separate. Turner returns to her home but then drives almost 1,000 miles overnight to meet Bagby at a local park on November 5, 2001. Bagby’s body is discovered there the following day, face down with five gunshot wounds.

Turner becomes the prime suspect in the murder investigation. Facing extensive evidence against her, she flees to St. John’s, Newfoundland. Extradition proceedings are initiated as Turner reveals she is pregnant with Bagby’s child. While extradition is pending, Turner is not held in custody. She gives birth to a boy she names Zachary. Bagby’s parents David and Kathleen move from Sunnyvale, California to Canada, determined to gain custody of their grandson and obtain Turner’s rendition for a Pennsylvania trial.

In late 2002, a Supreme Court justice in Newfoundland rules that there is sufficient evidence for an American or Canadian jury to conclude Turner killed Bagby, and she is taken into custody. Turner writes to a judge and receives a response detailing how to appeal her arrest and subsequent hold in jail. Turner is released by Justice Gale Welsh, who feels she has exhibited no behavior that suggests she poses a threat to society in general. Turner thus regains custody of Zachary. On August 18, 2003, Turner, carrying the 13-month-old infant Zachary, jumps into the Atlantic Ocean from a fishing wharf in Foxtrap; both perish.

The reason I chose the question of whether some people just don’t care is because this innocent man and this innocent child were killed and both could have been prevented (especially the 13 I couldn’t help but wonder while watching this film and even after watching it what some people are wired like.  I do not know any specifics when it comes to understanding genetic makeup or brain chemistry and functioning.  I am completely clueless when it comes to most things dealing with science and the functioning of the body.  I just couldn’t stop thinking that some people have to have certain sort of genetic and chemical makeups that make them so uncaring and so selfish.  The judicial/governmental system of Newfoundland put the “care” of this child into the hands of a killer.  One judge even said that she was not a threat to anyone in the community because killing the man that she did was an isolated incident and she was only angry at him.  This woman had 8 restraining orders against her prior to killing Andrew and Zacahary Bagby.  This woman had 3 other children all with different last names and she had no relationship with them.  This woman met a man 2 weeks prior to killing her son and when he was not interested in pursuing a relationship after 2 dates she called him 200 times.  Again, I do not know anything about human makeup, DNA, etc. but these things would certainly indicate that this woman was absolutely, 100% suffering from some form of mental illness.  She was a sick individual that took the lives of two innocent people and it was well-known by friends and family.  The parents of Andrew Bagby (Zachary Bagby) were allowed visitation rights with Zachary while he was alive but many of the visitations had to be supervised and many of the visitations they had to share with the mother (Shirley Turner).  I cannot imagine what it would be like to visit my grandchild and have to sit in the same room with a woman that knowingly killed my son and have her act as if nothing was out of the ordinary.  I can’t even start to describe the details in this entry because I believe people really need to see the film….and describing the film wasn’t my original intent.

My original intent was answering whether some people just don’t care.  In this case there were so many people that were involved that were fully aware that Shirley Turner killed Andrew Bagby yet they still allowed her to raise this child.  One woman worked as the head of a child protective service agency and she allowed the entire case to be brushed under the rug.  Is this just a case of laziness?  Is this the way that government really works?  Do some people just choose what they think is important?  Did any of them feel any remorse after this little boy was innocently murdered knowing that it could have been prevented?  Did anyone think about the emotional stress that this has taken on the parents/grandparents of Andrew and Zachary Bagby?  Are some people just designed to be robots?  Do some people just lack that piece of DNA that makes them care about others?  Innocent people die every day and the number of cases that could have been prevented is astronomical.  I understand that some things slip through the cracks and some people already do the jobs of 20 people but I cannot wrap my brain around someone knowingly putting a child’s life into the hands of a known killer.  Have we become a society so self-absorbed that nothing else is important except what happens to ME ME ME????  Has money become the source of power for the majority and it is now the thing that controls us even if the outcome means death of the innocent?

I have been thinking about this subject a lot lately because I believe that there is SO much going on in this world that I am obviously clueless about.  I want to give people and the government benefit of the doubt but it is becoming harder and harder to do.  I am starting to wonder if people (some not all) are becoming more accustomed to a robotic lifestyle and becoming un-phased by murders and horrific acts because they have become a daily norm.  I wonder what drives people to go into politics and what their true motives are.  I will always make MY life as beautiful as possible and I will ALWAYS help those around me because for me that is the only right thing to do.  I will always be an advocate for the rights and safety of children.  I will always fight for equality.  I will always encourage women and be a mentor when needed.  Sadly, I believe the governments of the world have become very corrupt and fewer and fewer people have the same goals as I do.  I believe people get burnt out and their ability to care  becomes less and less.  Change is not something that happens overnight.  Change is something that takes hours and days and years of hard work and we don’t always get the result we want but when you believe in something, even when you feel like you have been kicked down a million times, you keep fighting for it.

As I sit here I just keep thinking about the world around me and I am an optimist but I am also a realist.  I admit to being scared of where the world is headed.  I continue to think positive and I continue on my journey of helping when and where I can to improve my life and to help improve the lives of others but the world is HUGE and my dent in the world can only be so big.  It is these things that makes me question whether I really want to bring children into the world.  People can tell me that I should not live in fear….I am not living in fear…I am living in reality  Stories on the news become more frightening every day.  Government becomes more corrupt and we are losing human decency.  I don’t want to think negatively….but I am human and sometimes I feel lost because I don’t understand why certain things happen in the world.  I started this blog in hopes of encouraging people.  I certainly do not have all of the answers and I have my days when it seems like everything is just falling apart but I have changed.  Even through the worst of times I repeat to myself over and over again how beautiful life is and can be.  I have faith that everything can be better if we work toward that.  I sit here in hopes of inspiring others and reaching out my hand to those that might need it.  I sit here in hopes that in turn you (the reader) will do the same and maybe cause a huge chain reaction.  The world does not have to be this place that is becoming scary to the point of not wanting to leave our homes.  The world has great potential and in my opinion we just need a lot more positive energy to pass around….anything can become an addiction if we repeat it enough times.  Why not continually tell ourselves and tell others of the value that they hold as well as give them the help that they need when we know it is needed.  Too many people scream out for help but receive nothing.  Let’s change that here and now.  I challenge you to take the time out to “honor” three people in your life….spend time with them, tell them what they mean to you, offer your help, etc…..make them believe that everything is NOT going to fall apart….give them hope.  PAY IT FORWARD….but remember that the job of these three people is to pay it forward to three other people as well.  It really can become a revolution if we work hard enough and care enough.  I definitely care.  Do you?

Please check out this link for more information on the documentary mentioned above:

http://www.dearzachary.com/

Day 136 Question 136:

What is the difference between confidence and arrogance?

When I got home from work last night I crawled into my bed and just started flipping the channels on TV while relaxing and getting ready to call it a night.  Nowadays, channel after channel has been taken over by some sort of reality TV.  How they can even call these shows reality is beyond me.  Majority of these people are wannabe actors and actresses that have yet to make it big.  The attitudes portrayed on these shows are to the point of disgustingly sickening.  On so many of these shows, the men and women act vulgar, arrogant, and slutty.  I started thinking about the REAL population of people out there and where the line really was between being confident and crossing into cocky.

There are many instances where it is OBVIOUS that someone is just straight cocky.  For example, all of the big toolbags on The Jersey Shore have crossed the line by about 500 miles and are beyond cocky.  They walk around with their chest swelled out and act as if they are a gift to all women.  They refer to women as grenades.  I can’t quite wrap my head around why these guys think they are better than any other guys or more worthy of all women’s attention.  I do understand that it is a TV show and I am sure a lot of it is “scripted” but I believe wholeheartedly that all of these guys were probably big cocky douchebags before they were even a consideration for this horrific “reality” show.  The girls are the same exact way.  All made of plastic and spray tans.  Sadly, one of them is reproducing which is a very very scary thought considering none of them understand the concept of fidelity.  Ok, I just went on a serious hateful rant about jersey Shore and that was not at all my intention…hahahaha.

So where is the line between confident and cocky.  Honestly, I think confidence is an ability that very few people actually are able to achieve.  IN MY OPINION, confidence is believing in oneself and standing behind your morals and values but still exude respect to all audiences.  Confidence is being able to continually face your fears and take on challenges and when they are achieved having a feeling of pride but not becoming a show off.  I believe that people who act cocky and arrogant do so because they are either self-conscious underneath and feel the need to prove themselves or they have learned it over and over again in their environments.  They have been taught at some time in their lives that they are better than people so they make sure that they let people know that they are.  It is really quite sad.

I find confidence to be one of the most appealing qualities in a person.  I am naturally drawn to a confident person.  I am drawn to a person who believes in their way and they follow it but their actions are still modest.  As soon as someone crosses over into the dark side and takes on the cocky role I am immediately turned off.

I wanted to include a couple of pieces by other people just to see what their feedback is like.  I have my opinions but I love to hear where other people draw the line between cocky and confident.  I am dying to know what you think.  :0)

Confidence Vs. Arrogance

Written by Markus Ellek

Confidence might be the strongest aphrodisiac to women, while arrogance might be the biggest turn off of love.

The line between confident and arrogance are thin and unclear to many guys.

What I find the most challenging, is to calibrate how cocky and confident I come off, because I have noted that what one girl might find incredible confident and appealing, another girl might find tremendously arrogant and repulsive.

That’s why I have written this article about how to be confident and how to calibrate your confidence.

One thing you I have noticed is that it’s actually a girls own level of confidence on any given day that determines where the line between what she will find confidently attractive and arrogantly unattractive.

You have to read her confidence level and thus adjust your cockiness towards that.

Avoid this common mistake:

Girls are drawn toward guys who are slightly more confident than themselves. If a guy is “too” confident (compared to her own level of confidence) she will find him arrogant. But if she finds him to be less confident that what she feels herself, then she will lose attraction for him.

So the real key observation here is that the more confident she is, the more confident behavior you have to display to attract her, but don’t overdo because then you will come off as arrogant.

Cocky-funniness vs. arrogance!

Many guys (including myself) have tried to appear more confident by using cocky funny lines and behavior to spice up our dates.

The thing is though – that such cocky funny behavior can become a crouch of false confidence, and if you are not careful you might end up looking like you are trying to shield your insecurities of with arrogance.

This does not mean that cocky funniness and banter can’t used to create real long-lasting attraction, my point is that in my opinion its only possible if you really are as confident as you try to appear.

How to display REAL self-esteem and confidence:

Here’s what you do:

First you have known what makes the deference between arrogance and confidence.

Arrogance is when somebody tries to come across flawless, like they are perfect in any way; an arrogant person will thus tell you about all the positive and impressing things he or she has accomplished in life. He will brag and be a show of. Other arrogant individuals think of themselves as being better than everybody else. They think that they are better looking or more intelligent, more knowledgeable, or more superior in some way. This often appears condescending to the people around them and are thus a huge turn off.

Confidence is in my opinion the quite opposite, true confidence is when somebody dares to be them self, and dares to stand by their own flaws, not being a shame or trying to hide anything about them self.

Talking about your own flaws in a confident manner is a power way to display of true confidence.

I my experience too express one of your flaws or weakness’s to another person, first of all makes you very relatable, secondly it sets you apart as a confident man, because most people tries to hide their own flaws and weakness’s, but you are doing the quite opposite, and makes you come across as VERY confident.

There is a couple of pitfalls here: when you tell somebody about a flaw of your you have to do it in a confident tone of voice and with confident body language.

NOTE: Talking about your own flaws only displays confidence if it’s done in a non self deprecating way, this means that when you talk about one of your weaknesses you have to end it on a high note. You have to tell the other person that there is light at the end of the tunnel, that you believe it going to turn out positive.

Cocky or Confident?

What’s the difference between cockiness and confidence and the reality to both?

• By Meredith Holmes

In society today, as a whole, an extremely controversial issue is a person being confident in oneself or being ultimately cocky. Most say cockiness is a trait of an arrogant person which is a negative attribute to a person; on the other hand, confidence is looked upon being keen, which seems to be a positive attribute to society. Stating this, how can one be confident without a miniscule of cockiness?

There is an astronomic difference between cocky and confident. Cocky is bold, brash and brazen with a dose of sassy and saucy. There is self confidence hidden greatly under the behavior but it manifests itself rudely most of the time. Cockiness is the first thing a person can see; the way you walk, talk and promote oneself all proves the cockiness level of one being.

Self confidence is confidence in oneself and in one’s physical and mental powers and abilities. It’s being secure and having assurance in oneself. Self confidence is what makes people liked by others. It’s classy. Cockiness is simply unattractive.

When we look at many athletes, we only see their cocky side — their swagger, the sly smirks on their faces, revealing arrogance and pride. What we often do not comprehend is that’s just a misguided mask of “real” self-confidence without a place to rest. A more important trait for an athlete is possessing true confidence, when oneself knows for certain his abilities and strengths and how to fully utilize them. Confidence is needed by every athlete to fully rise to the top in his sport.

As entrepreneurs and business people, confidence is absolutely essential to the success of the business. For example, a Mac computer vs. PC is a constant battle that fills much publicity in America today. Both are extremely confident in one to constantly downgrade one another for the better of their self. However, this confidence is needed to stay aboard the fight for the customer.

Everyone needs confidence in oneself. However first we must know who we are, what we are capable of and what talents we have to successfully execute our tasks.  We should seek to improve our weak points and develop into a better, more balanced, enriched person. Ultimately being cocky turns people off. Being confident attracts people to us. One can never be too confident, however, be careful, because a cocky person is never good.

Day 135 Question 135:

What are your thoughts on alcohol/substance abuse?

I chose this question today because yesterday on the radio and all over the news was coverage of a story out of Miami.  The story was about a man eating the face of another man right on the side of a major highway.  Some people speculate that this is a zombie apocalypse.  My opinion is that this was a very bad drug trip that took a very gruesome turn.  Both men were homeless men and at this point there are no major details about who they were or whether the attacker was under the influence in some way or another.  I wanted to include a news article I found in case some people had not read or heard about this absolutely insane incident.  I warn you though that the details are gruesome.

Police shoot naked cannibal during zombie attack in Miami

On Saturday afternoon around 2 p.m. in Miami, Florida, a police officer was forced to shoot and kill a naked man who was eating the face of another man. The story that follows involves mutilation, cannibalism, and death and may be disturbing to some readers.

The officer…approached and saw that the naked man was actually chewing the other man’s head, according to witnesses. The officer ordered the naked man to back away, and when he continued the assault, the officer shot him.

The attacker continued to eat the man, despite being shot, forcing the officer to continue firing. Witnesses said they heard at least a half dozen shots.

Neither the slain attacker nor the victim has been identified. CBS Miami later updated the public with the following gruesome statement:

Armando Aguilar, who heads the local chapter of the Fraternal Order of Police, said he has spoken with the officer who responded. Aguilar said the officer saw what the man was doing, and ordered him to stop. He said the man growled at the officer, and then returned to his meal.

Aguilar said the man ate his victim’s nose and eyeballs.

The officer then used his service weapon and shot the man, Aguilar said, but the gunshot had no effect.

Other sources confirmed that the man refused to obey, and continued his attack. Aguilar said the officer had no choice but to keep shooting until the attacker was dead.

Investigators sharing limited details about the confrontation, saying only that the two men were fighting and the officers felt they had no choice but to take deadly force.”

“With the attacker dead, lying nude on the pavement, officers and paramedics were able to get to his victim and rush him to Jackson Memorial Hospital. Police sources say the man had virtually no face and was unrecognizable.

Despite the horrific and tragic nature of the case, bloggers, zombiephiles, and zombie news sites almost immediately picked up on the story as a real-life case of a zombie attack. Zombie news site Zombie Zone News has followed the story in order to document those aspects of the event that could link it to a widespread zombie outbreak.

While the attack is of course no laughing matter, that hasn’t stopped zombiephiles from speculating. The facts are these:

1. A man was eating the flesh of another person.
2. That man did not respond to verbal orders or react to      being shot.
3. That man snarled at the police officer who intervened      in the attack.

As the saying goes: If it eats flesh like a zombie, snarls like a zombie, and doesn’t react to outside stimuli like a zombie…

In a statement issued by Miami police, authorities have speculated that the attacker was suffering from “cocaine psychosis,” which often makes sufferers exhibit crazed behavior and to feel intense heat, causing them to remove their clothing. Another theory is that the attacker was being affected by a new drug known as “Bad LSD.”

Authorities are also referring to the officer who intervened as a hero for saving the victim’s life. At this time there is no new information on the victim’s condition.

Ok, so mind you, I chose an article that focused a lot on whether or not the attacker was a “zombie”.  I never rule anything out because in my opinion, anything is possible BUT I do believe this to be a really bad acid or PCP trip or the man was just straight up psychotic.

If the man was on drugs, it shows what horrid things can happen while being under the influence.  Trust me I am no angel.  I have partaken in my fair share of drinking in the past and I was your typical college stoner.  I never took it past those things though.  I am far too much of a nervous, worrisome person and the last thing I would need is to have a freak out while on drugs.  I had a friend in college that actually took acid one night while his parents were to be out of town until the next day.  So, he drops acid around 8:00pm and starts enjoying his trip.  Unfortunately everything ended up turning on him really quick.  His parents decided not to stay overnight wherever they were and appeared back home around 11:30pm.  My friend had gone to his room to try to avoid them but immediately he started panicking and his trip turned really ugly.  I am unsure of the exact details but his parents had to rush him to the hospital and for over 60 seconds he flat lined…yes, he was dead for over a minute.  The doctors revived him and he spent a couple of days in the hospital and due to this episode, he was checked into a rehabilitation center (not by his choice).  I remember talking to him years after the episode happened and he still could remember exactly the fear and the panic that he felt.  He said it was absolutely, without a doubt one of the most terrifying experiences of his whole life.  That was his rock bottom and from that day on he gave everything up.  He may have a drink on occasion but drugs were no longer an option.

I hate that something like that had to happen to my friend and I hate that he hit rock bottom but I am so glad that his rock bottom was it for him.  He learned his lesson and he went nowhere but up from there.  He improved his life drastically and moved forward.  My ex-boyfriend has hit what I believe to be rock bottom and he still has yet to change his ways.  After my ex and I broke up, his mom and I remained friends.  We would have dinner on occasion and just chat about things that were going on in our lives.  She always felt that I was the best thing that could have happened to her son but he was just in a bad place and alcohol was controlling his life.  She wished we could have been together but she knew the relationship was nothing but toxic.  This relationship made me fall into deep debt and very deep depression.  This relationship changed my life and although it was awful and painful and excruciating, I am glad it happened.  I needed it to happen in order to get to the place I am now.  That was my rock bottom and thankfully I came out on the other side.  My ex however has not and I hate to even write these words but if he does not change his ways, I do not believe he will make it to 40 years old (he just turned 30 in January).  About a year and a half ago I had dinner with my ex’s mom and she told me that her son (my ex) had been in the hospital for a week.  She hadn’t told anyone any details but she wanted me to know.  He had been at work (bartending-which was the last job he needed to be doing) and he started throwing up violently and he could not stop.  He left work and went home (he lived with his mom) and continued to throw up.  She gave him stuff to settle his stomach but nothing was helping.  She finally decided to bring him to the emergency room and shortly after being admitted, he was diagnosed with pancreatitis (a normal person’s levels in their pancreas is about 70, his was 9,000).  The doctor even told his mother that the next 24 hours would be critical and he was unsure whether or not he would make it.  He did make it and he spent the next 7 days in the hospital.  Over the seven days, my ex detoxed and it was a very horrific scene (I was not there thankfully-at this time we were not speaking).  While in the hospital room he had severe hallucinations and thought he was in a bar.  He was propositioning nurses sexually and asking them to bring him drinks.  He looked at his mother and thought that she was a waitress.  He didn’t know who she was.  Throughout the course of seven days he pulled out at least 4 IV’s which left blood splattered all over his room and a guard needed to be outside of his room on a 24 hour basis because he started to get violent and very angry.  He threatened his mother and even got right up in her face before a guard had to pull him away from her.  He started to get better and his pancreas levels had decreased significantly.  After seven days he was due to be released from the hospital.  The doctor came in to talk to him and his mother about follow up appointments.  My exes mom asked the doctor his he thought her son needed to be checked into a rehabilitation facility.  The doctor told her no.  They left the hospital and he stayed sober for one day.  The following day he went on a total bender and from that day on I had to separate myself completely from the entire situation.  Everything about the situation was unhealthy and I could no longer be witness to it or be a punching bag for someone that was constantly under the influence of alcohol or drugs.  It is impossible to help someone that has absolutely no desire to help themselves.  I hate that because my purpose in life is to help people but sometimes you need to take a step back.  I needed to take a step back in this situation.

Alcohol and drug abuse can do ugly things to a person.  I dated two alcoholics (yes that would be my fault because it was my choice) and both times I found that I, myself, would drink too much.  If I couldn’t fix them then why not join them.  It was usually easier to get along with both of them when we were both three sheets to the wind.  I didn’t have the drinking problems that they did but I knew I was on the verge and I needed to jump ship if I didn’t want to end up in a deep, dark place.  I quick drinking 18 months ago and at that time both of these people had been out of my life for a significant amount of time.  I quit drinking to become physically healthy and to just not have to deal with hangovers or the day after depression.  The thought of these two people have ran through my head over and over again though and I am beyond thankful that I have come out on the other side.  I cannot imagine what life would be like if a substance controlled me like that.

I could tell a million stories on this topic and some could include my mishaps and troublesome ways and others could include events I have witnessed.  Either way, alcohol and substance use is one of those things that I believe is only meant for the strong minded.  It is something that could turn ugly really fast and a lot of people believe that they can control it when in fact they cannot.  I do not criticize people for socially drinking and if someone were to smoke pot on occasion (as long as it isn’t all day everyday) I really could care less.  It is when someone has to rely on a substance to function.  There are a couple of people that I know that I so desperately want to ask when the last day was that they DIDN’T have a drink.  I already know that neither of them would be able to answer that question because it was that long ago.  It is truly sad what these substances can do to people.

Day 134 Question 134:

What is a challenge you plan on facing?

What a great weekend I had.  I was able to spend this holiday weekend with family and I took the time to remember what the holiday was all about.  I have focused a lot lately on not taking life for granted…to appreciate my friends and family and to offer them support and encouragement when they need it.  I have seen a huge change in myself as have others…my mother told me she noticed a lot less anger in me and other friends have noticed how relaxed I have become.  I was so high strung and always stressed out.  I was always tearing myself apart and letting every little thing get to me.  I still have a day here and there that life might get the best of me but I no longer let it control me.  I just let the moment pass and move on.

This big change in my life really began when I grabbed my life by the balls and decided there was no longer going to be a pity party.  I chose a healthy lifestyle and the meditation that I practice every day has given me this sense of calm and peace.  I no longer hold onto anger and irritation.  Don’t get me wrong, they still occur but they disappear so fast.  They no longer exhaust me and hold a power over me.  Since this huge change in my life I have given myself challenge after challenge.  Some challenges have been small while others have been much larger.  The goals that I have set for myself are realistic goals…I have learned to start slowly.  I never used to…I used to set about 500 goals at once and want everything to happen fast and I would either quit or would find myself disappointed because I couldn’t accomplish something.  I now enjoy the process and the journey of reaching a goal.

So, last night I was hanging out with a girl friend and out of nowhere she asked me if I would do a 5k with her sometime in the next few months (probably sometime in the early Fall).  I kind of stumbled when answering because I didn’t expect her to ask me that.  I told her that I was not a runner at all but I definitely would not shut out the idea.  The more I started to think about it the more I started seeing the challenge and well…I LOVE A CHALLENGE!!!  I knew that if I started “training” for a 5k and were to get myself running (even if I am not a fast runner) and completed the race that I would feel beyond proud.  I don’t always believe in myself the way that I should and that is what these challenges are about.  I don’t do things to prove myself to others.  I do things to prove to myself that I am capable and I am stronger than I sometimes believe I am.

I look at who I was 2+ years ago and who I am now.  I was a 30 year old woman that hated her body and to be honest I was just lazy.  I got myself stuck in this depressive rut and I let everything tear me down….I allowed it to happen.  By NO MEANS do I believe that looks are the most important thing.  I am now almost 70 lbs. lighter and I workout 4-5 days a week.  I still have cheat days and my eating habits aren’t perfect but I am so much healthier.  I didn’t want to be a person anymore that dreaded looking in the mirror.  I didn’t want to feel so uncomfortable in my own skin.  I did not want to continually hate myself knowing that I got myself to that point.  It became a matter of do or die…almost literally.  I am not the girly girl type but I am not a tomboy either.  I am just the type that likes to dress comfortably and go with what I like at that time.  That might be a flowy maxi dress or it might just be capris with a tank top and flip flops.  I have never been one to really go over the top because it doesn’t fit my personality.  Image and looks have never been as important as being known for my brains and my abilities.  BUT I am still a woman and I still wanted to feel pretty in a sense and I wanted to be healthy.  My body will never be “perfect” but for the first time I am ok with that.  I know where I have come from and I know how hard I have worked.  The stretch marks and the cellulite I may still have have never and will never define me.  What became important to me was being healthy.  I didn’t want to keep dreading going to the doctor and standing on the scale and then having to hear a lecture about why I needed to lose weight.  I knew that I needed to lose weight and I was just being ignorant at the time.  I didn’t need to lose weight to meet some image molded by society.  I needed to lose weight to be healthier and since I have lost weight I have become unbelievably healthier both physically and mentally.  I have learned that my body is not who I am and will never define who I am but it is my machine and I need to constantly make sure to maintain this machine so it doesn’t break down or die too early.

So with all of this in mind I texted my friend shortly after she left to count me in for a 5K.  I knew it was the challenge that I needed.  I write this blog for a wide variety of audiences and I hope that some young women tune in from time to time…maybe even youth and teens (and if not maybe their parents may mention it to them).  I think about young people all of the time…especially young girls.  We live in this society that has completely lost focus of who the individual is and now we only focus on what he/she looks like.  Image has been portrayed in the media in such a warped way and it absolutely breaks my heart to think about the young girls out there that look at themselves in the mirror (at the ages of 12 and 13) and hate their bodies.  They hate what they look like.  They hate that they are flat chested for that they have curly hair instead of straight hair.  I was one of those young girls but the pressure was not nearly as bad when I was young as it is now.  I have walked down the hallways of middle and high schools in the last couple of years and the remarks that I would hear kids make about images and what is important just made me sick.  I wish I could talk to every young girl in the world and tell them how beautiful they are.  I want to tell them that beauty has nothing to do with how they look on the outside and the first step to happiness is loving yourself (it may sound corny to some but the truth to it is larger than life).  I can be somewhere by myself and just sit and people watch and I tend to watch the young girls and women to see how they dress, how they act and how they react to certain things.  Young girls and women are so different and so much more bold than when I was young.  Life in general is so much different now than it was then.  Even when I see women that expose their bodies too much (at least I believe it to be too much) or act in a manner that is not very (self) respectful, I am still able to see the beauty they have within.  Every woman is beautiful no matter their size, shape, color, age, etc.  Being a woman, I absolutely love my gender.  I love being a woman and I love being a strong, powerful woman…I love being a beautiful woman.  I challenge all women (actually all people) out there to start loving themselves today and to not stop.  I may not be able to talk to every girl or woman in the world but to those that will listen, I know I do not have all of the answers, but I do believe you to be beautiful and I hope you believe yourself to be beautiful.

I have been faced with a challenge and although I admit to being scared and I have doubts of my ability, I am choosing to accept this challenge.  I will keep everyone updated on my progress and what I ask of you is for support and encouragement every once in a while and know that I would be more than happy to do the same for you if and when you ever need it.  Find a challenge and go for it…I believe in you! ;0)

Day 133 Question 133:

To whom would you like to give thanks?

The date is May 28, 2012 and we celebrate Memorial Day.  All days should honor those that put on a uniform and fight for our freedom but there is great love to celebrate on this day.  I wanted to take the time to thank those people young and old, men and women that have chosen to enter the military field and dedicate their lives for the protection and freedom of this country.  I am unsure if there is a more honorable job that someone could take on…especially those that make it a life-long career.

I wanted to include some tributes to show how much I admire and thank the people that have risked their lives for the freedom of all people that walk on this land.

Day 132 Question 132:

What does it mean to be a friend?

Yesterday was such a great day.  My good friend May and my roommate’s birthday fell really close together so we decided to have a small pool party/barbeque.  It couldn’t have turned out more perfect.  The crowd arrived about 4:00 (people had to work during the day) and we talked and laughed.  We grilled and enjoyed the not so cold temperature of the pool.

Some of these friends I have had for quite some time and some have just came into my life fairly recently.  This group of people has shown me what friendship is all about.  All of them have different personalities and different strengths and being around all of them is inspiring and motivating.  This to me is what it is to be a friend.  I had to weed out different people throughout my life and I realized that I could no longer surround myself with people that were constantly negative.  None of these people are like that.  Yes, they may have a bad day here and there but they don’t carry the load with them all of the time and bring everyone else down in the process.  We support each other, we listen to each other and we encourage each other.  We may not be able to spend the time we would like to with each other because of all of our responsibilities and obligations but we still know that we will always be there for each other.

A friend is someone that can make you laugh when you so desperately want to cry.  A friend is someone that will listen to you when you know you need to be heard.  A friend is someone that will never make you question who you are.  I chose this question today because I feel so lucky to have the friends that I do.  It is Memorial weekend and we have so many young men and women fighting for our freedom that do not get to be with their friends and family right now.  I am so lucky to be able to be with mine.

To all of my readers, if you have sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. serving in any branch of the military…I want to thank them for everything that they do.  If they are serving overseas and are away from their friends and families, I wish them a safe return as soon as possible.  I believe it is so important to not take for granted all that we have…especially when others are fighting for us every single day.  :0)

Day 131 Question 131:

What is a hero?

Instead of telling you I just wanted to show you :0)

Ordinary people honored as true heroes

Heroism no longer has the distinction it once did. Athletes are called heroes for tossing a ball through a hoop. Philanthropists are called heroes for signing a check.

On Wednesday, a group of real heroes — people who over the last year put their lives on the line for others they never knew — got their due at the annual American Red Cross Heroes of Mid-Fairfield County Breakfast at the Trumbull Marriott.

Among those honored was Bridgeport City Councilman Angel dePara, who on June 30, 2007, dashed into a burning tenement on Stillman Street to save an elderly woman and a young girl, and returned to the flames to save another man in his 20s. He returned a third time to make sure no one was left behind.

“I still run into him sporadically,” dePara said of the man he led to safety. “I was walking down the street a few weeks after it happened and I hear this guy call out, ‘Hey hero!’ — it turned out to be him.”

He also said that the elderly woman didn’t seem too eager to be rescued. “She thought that I was going to kidnap them or something. I literally had to drag them out.”

Another of the Heroes was Fairfield police Officer James Pauciello, who on Feb. 1, 2007, rescued a 13-year-old girl trying to take her own life by standing on the train tracks. He pulled her to safety just as a 100-mph Acela Express train was bearing down on her. As the train rushed by a few feet away, he had to fight her struggles to throw herself under its wheels. Hero honors also went to Lee Cooper, of Westport, who while vacationing in Palm Beach, Fla., over last Memorial Day weekend, rescued a 12-year-old girl and an older man who got caught in the ocean’s riptide.

“When I got out there, I realized that I could only save one at a time,” he said. “The man said, ‘Well, what about me?’ but I told him, ‘Hey she’s a girl, I have to get her first. But I promise, I’ll come back to get you.’ ” Cooper kept that promise. One of the Red Cross heroes saved a life with her voice.

On July 29, K.C. Duffy, of West Haven, an emergency medical dispatcher with the Southwestern Regional Communications Center in Bridgeport, talked a man through helping his wife deliver their baby. Twenty minutes later, his wife gave birth to a 6-pound, 2-ounce, 19-inch boy. Eleven emergency responders, a radio dispatcher from Fairfield and an American Medical Response ambulance crew were given hero awards for saving the life of bow hunter Neil Champagne, who suffered a heart attack while sitting in his tree blind platform 25 feet up.

“I owe you all venison dinners,” Champagne told his rescuers.

Trumbull lifeguards Cody Hutchinson and Matt Cellini were honored for a rescue July 11, 2007, of a young girl who was pulled, nearly lifeless, from the bottom of the town’s Beaches Pool.

After two minutes that must have seemed like an eternity, the girl coughed up pool water and began crying.

Also receiving the award were Trumbull police Officers Douglas Smith and Jay Leos, who responded to the scene of a horrific accident on the Merritt Parkway on Jan. 26, 2007, in which a Subaru split in two after striking a tree.

The driver, a young woman, is believed to have suffered among the worst injuries ever suffered in a Trumbull car crash and survived.

The two Trumbull rescues prompted Trumbull First Selectman Raymond Baldwin, the ceremony emcee, to remark: “After hearing these stories, it sounds like Trumbull’s a very dangerous place to live.”

Bridgeport Firefighters Eric Levine, John Prusak and Frank McNellis received an award for saving a woman on March 7, 2007, from a burning home, which involved setting up a 28-foot ladder to reach a second-floor porch roof, and another 14-foot ladder to access a third-floor window.

The woman, who was unconscious, had to be revived on the porch roof before she could be brought to the ground.

Also honored were Stratford sisters Caitlin and Rebecca Simon, who collected more than 1,000 Beanie Babies to send to soldiers in Iraq so they could be given to children in that war-torn nation.

The sisters also sold bookmarks to purchase defibrillators for the town of Stratford.

The students of Monroe’s Chalk Hill School were honored for a variety of charitable endeavors, such as organizing a coat drive, collecting food for the hungry, and collecting Halloween costumes for needy children.

Also, George Ciaccio, of Wilton, was cited for spearheading Wilton Commons, a reduced-cost housing complex for the elderly with 77 one- and two-bedroom apartments. It will be completed in 2010.

Day 130 Question 130:

Is there really a difference between right and wrong?

Is there a difference between right and wrong? If so, then who makes the rules? Government?  Our parents?  People of a higher social or financial status?  Teachers?  Police? Science?  Evolution?  Creationism?  If you have read any of my blog you already know I am this highly independent thinker that just does not want to be molded by anyone (not saying I never am…I just go back and forth with a lot of things because there are sooooo many things to consider).  I question EVERYTHING.  People can tell me something until they are blue in the face but in a lot of situations I still question the validity of some things.

I believe that nothing is 100% true unless I have personally experienced it….hence my skepticism on Christianity. I go with what I feel….I admire those that have convictions and believe in God but for me there is no connection because there has been no personal experience with God.  I shy away from politics because I believe politicians are trying to mold people to think their way…some may and some may not…but who decides which way is right and which is wrong?  Some political leaders were raised Christian and believe strongly in the bible so they truly believe abortion is wrong and gay relationships and marriage is wrong while others may not have a religious background and may be more liberal thinking.  How can one person decide what is best for the majority?  It seems quite unfair.  We do not embrace our individuality and our differences but instead we try to mold people to us….it is almost the natural way of people sometimes (myself included)…I have tried to persuade people to take on my point of view.  Is that right?  Is that wrong?  I keep going back over and over again thinking about how I do not understand how we can ever speak for the whole.  Like I said, how does the President determine what is right for the entire nation?  How does Bill O’Reilly sit on the couch of The View and say that Muslims were responsible for 9/11….it was a few that were responsible…how can he blame an entire population?  Why do some people clump ALL black people together and assume they are all thugs?  Why do some black people have resentment toward ALL white people because of slavery when it was not the fault of ALL white people.  We tend to blame all for the actions of some.  Is that fair?  Is that right?  Is that wrong?

I believe we are all pulled to believe what we feel is right and we all have our own paths that feel natural to us but we live in this society that does not allow us to be who were are 100% openly and honestly because we have soooooo many guidelines to follow and soooooo many people telling us what is right and what is wrong?  I do understand that there are some things such as murder, child molestation, spousal abuse, hate crimes, etc. that in my opinion are unquestionably wrong but there are other things such as gay marriage/rights, abortion, child rearing, education, etc. where are I cannot wrap my brain around how people can determine what is right and what is wrong for the whole.  Every household is so very different.  Every person feels love in their own capacity and every parent wants to do what they believe is best for their child.  Where is the line drawn of where other people are able to determine what is right and wrong for the individual, for the family, for the cultural group or for the gender?

My dad keeps popping into my head.  I love my dad with everything in me but there is a lot I don’t say because I know he will get frustrated, he will shake his head and he will tell me I am wrong….as I have done the same thing to him before.  My father is agnostic just like I am but he does not believe gays should be married.  He believes marriage is meant to be a union between a man and a woman.  I disagree and believe that marriage is supposed to be a union between two people that love each other.  Which of us is right and which of us is wrong?  People could swarm this blog entry with answers and tell me that the bible says this or the government says that but why is it that certain people have the power to be right?  Is it because of their political status or social status or financial status?  My dad believes that democrats are allowing the government to control us.  Maybe he is right.  I believe that regardless of politics we are all controlled.  We are all swayed by someone else’s thinking.  If someone is going to continually tell me that I am wrong, I am going to continually ask why?  Eventually someone is going to run out of answers and personally I have learned that the existence of right and wrong is man-made.  I believe as an entire world we have built so many guidelines and so many rules and we have become so detailed and descriptive and politically correct that we are no longer living as human beings but instead living as robots.  We are following the lead of certain people…and these people are constantly changing.  My dad is Republican and I am undecided of my political stance…I tend to saw more toward the left.  I admit to being terrified to saying those words to my father because on so many occasions I have heart him rant about how horrible the democrats are.  I am avoiding telling him this because I already know the heated debate we will get into about who is right and wrong on the issues when in my head I believe neither of us is right or wrong.  Government has taken too much control of us as people no matter what political party we follow.

In schools there are guidelines.  There are rules and there are regulations and that is understandable.  But when are there enough rules?  When are there too few?  I worked as the Education Manager for a nonprofit in a small, poverty-stricken area.  I would work with teens and talk to them about all sorts of issues…my program’s goal was to reach out to teens and help them through all of the issues they face.  We all know what teens face…self-esteem issues, sexual pressure, popularity pressure/status, etc.  I talked about a great deal of issues but there was always someone limiting me.  There was always someone telling me that I could not talk about this or talk about that.  My mouth was sewn shut on so many occasions because I needed to make sure I was being politically correct at all times.  Meanwhile these young girls and boys are learning only half (if not less) about what the world is really like.  By stating that certain things are right and certain things are wrong…we limit ourselves….we limit the future generations.  I was not allowed to discuss contraception with students because the county in which I resided supported abstinence only education.  The county spoke for me….I had no choice.  I believe kids these days need to learn about contraception because teen pregnancy is becoming an epidemic and that is terrifying.  I believe it should (hands down) be taught at home first…but realistically we know that does not happen so I believe someone needs to give them the information in order for them to make a well-informed decision.  We think we are protecting them when in truth (in my opinion) we are doing more harm than good).

This blog is titled In My Opinion because I KNOW that people will not always agree with me and there is absolutely nothing conclusive about my answers.  I may go on rants but I will NEVER tell people they are wrong.  What power or proof do I have to tell people they are wrong?  In the same though…I cannot tell them they are right either.  I came into this world as one person and I will leave this life as one person.  I may have similarities to others but I will never ever know if what we experience is exactly the same so I feel that the concepts of right and wrong are almost impossible to measure.  Every person on this earth has a different experience and different thoughts and feelings for their own reasons.  Again, call me a dreamer if you wish but it is how I feel and I can no longer abandon how I feel.  I want to live through what I feel as opposed to allowing my ego control me.  Once I do that I know I have given up all of my power.

As usual, you know I want to know your opinions and thoughts.  I have included below a video that Ellen Degeneres had posted on her Facebook page (as many of you know I loooove Ellen).  I, personally, am not a big fan of Obama.  I just have this gut questioning gut feeling about him…BUT I love everything about what he has done for the LGBT community (even if it is just for votes).  I believe ALL people should be free and the idea of separate but equal is absolutely ridiculous.  Thank you again for taking the time to ready my long-winded thoughts. :0)