It's a New Day…

Day 209 Question 209:

Are some people just innately bad/evil?

I always wonder how genetics and our human wiring really works.  I question everything…even science sometimes….strictly because we always see constant changes.  What is healthy for us one day can kill us the next.  The human body is such a mystery and I wonder if there are people that are born to be bad and to do “evil” things.  I have a sister that is not related to me by blood and it may not be a nice thing to say but I believe she was innately wired to be bad.  From as young as I can remember, this was a girl that found pleasure in harming people with her words and her actions.  That was NEVER taught to her….at least not by anyone in my family.  It is that continual debate over nature vs. nurture.  If we were to find out 100% that our genetics are who we are completely and our actions are due to these genetics would we kill of the people that we knew were innately bad?  Would that make us any better for doing so?  We see so much on the news about serial killers and mass murders and I wonder if some of these people were destined to do bad things.

I guess this topic stems from the previous topic of whether we were born with positive self-esteem and it just deteriorates over time or whether we have to develop it over time.  There are so many questions that cannot be answered and I find it fascinating but also kind of scary.  Being a person that is unsure of truth in anything can sometimes be unsettling.  Honestly, a lot stems to my questioning of creation and evolution.  I love the idea of God and the formation of mankind but I know I will never have a solid belief….I never have a solid belief in anything…unless it is something I have experienced first-hand.  If God did/does exist what would his purpose be of creating evil people??  Is it strictly to challenge us as a human race?  Is it so we are able to understand goodness more?  We need polar opposites in order to understand…i.e. love/hate, good/bad, rich/poor.  Without one we would not be able to truly understand the other…would we?  So if we were to find out that some people are born innately bad/evil, what is the solution?  Is it something we could find out about them at an early age?  If so, what do we do then?  If not, do we just wait to see what people do?  I find this topic so interesting because a part of me believes that some people are just wired to do bad things.  I believe EVERYONE has goodness in them but some people are wired so that the bad outweighs to the good…as naïve and silly as that may sound to some people.

I have always been a big supporter of the Nurture Theory….our environments determine who we are…but I also believe our genetics play a huge part.  I say this from personal experience in my very own family.  When I read about serial killers and murderers that feel no remorse and actually find pleasuring in harming, torturing and murdering people, I can’t help but think that their internal wiring is off balance.  It seems so unnatural (to me) to find pleasure in another person’s pain….but some people may not feel that same way….the opposite may be natural to them.

Yes, this is the stuff I think about A LOT!  I live only with this body and this soul so I am also so curious how other people function…what they think and what they feel.  I do not condone the actions of murderers but I always want to know what is going on inside of them internally.  Does it feel natural and right for them to harm others???  Twisted as it seems, I believe that is a real possibility for some.

Day 208 Question 208:

Are you a leader or a follower?

Being a follower has such a negative connotation behind in sometimes.  This question is one that would be answered based on what the circumstances are.  I could absolutely be a leader in some situations but sometimes I choose not to be.  I choose not to be because sometimes I enjoy stepping back and observing.  Leadership tends to come with a lot of pressure and stress…which is sometimes unnecessary.

 Now don’t get me wrong, there are situations in which I would love to be a leader and believe I could be a strong one.  When it comes to humanitarian causes, I could be an extremely strong leader because I do not see leadership as a position of power.  A leader is someone there to guide the group…not dictate and bark at (at least that is the way I see it…unfortunately many leaders do not see it the same way).  I sometimes think I see the world through rose-colored glasses and what some would say through naïve eyes.  I believe in coming together and working together as a whole…focusing on trying to embrace differences instead of pointing them out and dislking (or worse hating) each other because of them.  I love that I am that way though because honestly (without tooting my own horn) I believe it naturally draws people to me.  People can sense warmth from me because of my accepting nature and I strive to make people feel welcome and comfortable in as many settings as possible….it is not always an easy thing and sometimes I am rejected but I always make it a point to try.  I believe this is what a leader is and should be.  A leader does not need to run or Fortune 500 company or hell even run a country…leaders are everywhere in the world….and many don’t strive for recognition.

With this being said, I believe we are all followers as well.  We all are introduced to different trends daily in society and we will always choose to follow one or another…whether it be fashion trends, media trends or political trends.  We hear the opinions of others and we follow those same beliefs because it feels right to us.  Why is that a bad thing?  I guess it could be if you are abandoning your beliefs just to please others but if you are introduced to something and you naturally are drawn to it then you follow it…that does not seem like a bad thing to me….that tells me that you are being true to self.

I guess what kind of bothers me sometimes if the negative connotations that come behind some of the ways people are perceived.  We read so much about Being a Leader not a Follower.  Some people are just not natural leaders and that should not be found as a bad thing.  I have strengths and I have weaknesses just like everyone else and if I do not feel comfortable taking on a leadership position because I don’t believe I could do it justice then I don’t believe I should receive criticism over that…nor should anyone else.  Variety of personalities is what makes this world so interesting and I guess (as of lately) it just kind of gets under my skin how quickly we are able to point out what people are doing wrong over what they are doing right.  Why can’t we see those unique qualities as special instead of “weird” or “quirky”.  I believe that so many of these quiet loners snap because society beats them down so much for not fitting into the “norm”.  What is the norm exactly???  Why is being one way better than another?  I am not condoning their behaviors by any means…I am just saying that sometimes I understand the internal struggle of trying to fit into societal norms.  Some people are unable to handle that kind of pressure….myself included from time to time.

There are times in life when I absolutely love to lead.  I love to be a part of a group and share my thoughts and guide whenever I possibly can.  There are other times when I love to follow.  I love to sit back and watch the world pass me by.  I love to follow to see how and why people do as they do.  This allows me to find myself a little bit more…it allows me to see what I truly believe in and where my morals and values stand.

Day 207 Question 207:

Are we all born with innate self-esteem that erodes over time or is self-esteem something we were supposed to pick up along the way?

I found this question quite interesting when I stumbled upon it.  Where I found it, it was quoted by Oprah but I am not really sure if it is her that first posed this question.  Yesterday while driving to my second job I started to think about babies and toddlers and how much they really know when they are so young (0-2).  I was wondering if we are all born with certain abilities that just need to be developed through experience.  Life is complex and I have noticed (through working with so many young children) that there are things that they almost naturally know.  How do babies understand certain concepts without even having it explained to them and although verbal expression takes time, I have wondered many times what children at these ages were truly thinking.  They understand the concept of pain and know that it is a bad thing because their automatic reaction is to cry….this was never explained to them.  I find that absolutely fascinating.

So, in thinking about all of this, self-esteem is also one of those complex things.  Throughout life I struggled with my self-esteem and I can say with all honesty I have NEVER felt 100% confident.  I am more confident now at the age of 33 than I have been in my whole life but I still have minor struggled and self-image/self-esteem quirks to work out.  I believe I struggled with self-esteem issues throughout my entire life because of everything that has been thrown in my face and what I have learned through environmental interactions.  I wonder though, we watch children and they have moments of crying or whining but overall children are happy and seem so naïve to the world’s problems.  Their innocence allows them to love everything in the world including themselves because it would appear that there is no other way of thinking or being.  So, does this mean that our self-esteem deteriorates over time?  The more we start understanding the world the more we start finding our own flaws because of the way we compare ourselves to others?  Does our self-esteem start to come into question when we start learning about the ideas of right and wrong?

It is obvious that I don’t really have a solid opinion on this topic because of all of the questions I keep asking.  I just keep having these flashbacks of my younger years and being in elementary school with a bunch of different kids with all different backgrounds.  I see the deterioration of self-esteem starting at these young ages because some kids were smarter and acted cocky due to this and popularity status started going into full-effect.  I remember as a young girl being around other young girls in my class and getting a sense that they felt better than me.  It was something I did not understand but their attitudes were different than mine (at least that what it seemed).  I was not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc.  Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of friends but among a lot of kids there was always a struggle to fit in somewhere.  Trying to fit in and being rejected can be a real blow to one’s self-esteem.  So, this started at very early ages.  I keep thinking that the “popular” kids with the “better than everyone else” attitude had to be learning those actions from home.  It had to have been being fed into their heads.  I don’t believe a parent would act in that manner without there being a circumstance that caused it.  At what age and under what conditions did this parent start to act in a “better than everyone else” manner.  The same could go for the parent and child that struggles with self-esteem and self-image.  I guess my question is, where and why did this cycle start?  Did it form when media started to blow up?  Why do so many men have an attraction to thin girls when the average girl is a size 12-14?  Have we became brainwashed as a society and who is behind this brainwashing…I mean the absolute first culprit…it had to start somewhere right?

Yes, I read into a lot of things…I find so much interest in doing so.  I will most likely never get solid answers but only opinions because honestly, I am unsure of what truth really is???  A strong part of me believes that we are all born with an innate positive self-esteem and over time we are given the challenge of maintaining it.  Unfortunately many of us are unable to maintain it to its full extent.  Self-esteem is a life-long lesson…something that must be worked on continually throughout life.  Even those that appear to be completely confident sometimes can have their inner demons and mask those by showing “false” confidence.  I believe there is a big difference between having positive self-esteem and believing you have positive self-esteem.  One is a feeling and one is a thought and in my opinion the feeling is the only possibility of being right.  The feeling is in the NOW!

I would love to hear other people’s opinions on this topic because it is a subject that I find fascinating but I don’t have a lot of information or knowledge on it.  :0)

Day 205 Question 205:

What’s been tempting you lately?

I admit that I give in to temptation sometimes.  I will eat junk food or indulge in a sweet treat when I am just feeling a little naughty…hahaha.  Lately though, I have been tempted by something different.  I am happy with my life….there is way more good than bad but I am itching for a change.  As I change I want my environments to change.  I am that type of person that does not stand still for very long…and this includes where I live.  Since moving to SC 10 years ago, I have moved 9 times.  Many of the times were to get closer to work and change in roommates and although the whole process of moving sucks, I love the fresh new start in a fresh new place.  I have been tempted to make big changes…location changes, job changes, self-changes.  There are people in my life that I need to rid myself of and I want to open doors to meeting new and interesting people.  Any appeal to this tourist area that I live in now has been lost…I have never been able to call this place home.  I have been tempted to up and move to a place with more culture and more opportunity….a place that would be a much better niche for me.  I have had this same thought and feeling for a lot of years.  I have never felt like this place was right for me.  Having the beach only mere miles away is great but I don’t take advantage of it as much as I should and it isn’t a factor that lures me all that much.

People wonder why I have not already left if I feel this way and to be honest it is because I am nervous.  Moving to a new place all alone is scary.  I am outgoing and I would meet new people but making friends in your 30’s is not at all the same as making friends in your teens and early 20’s.  It is so tempting though….to jump so far out of my comfort zone and to challenge myself.  I have been doing a lot of that lately….just not as big.  I want to be working at a job where I interact with a lot of people in a day and I am part of making an impact.  I absolutely love my jobs now but I know I am not using my potential to its fullest.  I love change but it isn’t always easy.  I guess I just needed to put a few things down in writing so I knew what I really wanted.  I am not a dishonest person but I have come to realize that it is not easy to be honest with yourself.  I meditate every day and majority of my days are really good but at times I am just thrown off by a shitty day or a shitty week.  The past few days have been that way for me and it is lingering with me and (of course) it makes me feel bad.  I have a hard time accepting that bad days and bad moods and moments of vulnerability are normal and a part of life.  I am always wanting to put on the happy face but sometimes that feels like the hardest thing in the world to do.

What I just wrote is the reason I am tempted for change.  The problem is that patience is not my strong suit.  I want the change to happen NOW and I want all bad to be left in the past.  Yes, I do realize that life does not work that way but in my magical, fairytale world I sometimes wish it did.  I have tested my strength over the past year and have found that I am way more capable and way stronger than I thought I was but I still can be overwhelmed by my nerves.  I would pay money to go back in time and rid myself of anxiety…to rid myself of worry.  It has definitely lessened over time but it has not disappeared and I am not sure if it ever will.  It is the part of me that makes me feel a little bit broken.  I am fighting this though…don’t get me wrong…this entry did not start with the intention of getting depressing.  I am just writing what I feel right here right now.  There are very few people I feel absolutely comfortable talking to about my feelings and my concerns and my wants.  I hold a lot in and I know that is not healthy so I use this outlet to let it out.  As a person I am an observer.  I love to watch people and I see people do things that annoy me and seem quite desperate.  I wonder if I am being too judgmental and then I immediately wonder if I am guilty of those same things.  See what I mean when I am always saying that life is this great balancing act.  I believe that your life is truly balanced when you are able to accept ALL of yourself…even the bad.  That is the part I am still working on.  I tend to criticize myself for every little thought and action that may not be appealing instead of seeing that as living and being in the moment…accepting it for what it is and moving forward.  I linger in the past sometimes (the mistakes I have made) and I allow others opinions to hold a little too much ground in my life.  Sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit or believe in myself the way that I should.  I find it funny to know these things but the thoughts and the actions are not always in sync.  I was a late bloomer in life and I think it is just taking me time to catch up….taking me time to FINALLY feel comfortable in my own skin and accept and embrace change and to love myself for all of the good but even for all of the “bad” and the mistakes and the self-doubt.  One thing is for certain…I care so very much and I do not take life for granted.  People will tell me I am wrong and I am weird and I overthink all of the time and although those words will cut like a knife sometimes, I know that it is only me that lives in this body…it is only me who can fully understand myself.

I guess I went in a little bit of a direction than I even expected.  I love when that happens though.  It allows me to revisit my life whenever I wish and see how I was feeling at that moment.  It shows to me that I am living…not just alive.

Day 204 Question 204:

What is a bad habit that you want to break?

I have the worst habit of letting things build up.  I have been the person for as long as I can remember that just keeps her mouth shut and doesn’t speak her mind.  Sometimes this can be good because it saves on a lot of unnecessary drama but in the same, when doing this, I am letting my mind and body just fall apart.  Last night I ended up in the ER.  On Friday night I was finishing off work at the restaurant.  While sitting at the bar just talking to my boss I got this shard pain in my chest and it went away but there was a nagging pressure after that.  I just let it be and went home and went to pain.  The nagging pressure continued into Saturday and Sunday and by Sunday night while driving back from a friend’s house I decided to go to my parent’s to tell them about it.  The pain wasn’t horrific but it was uncomfortable enough to bother me.  I knew that I was also feeling anxious because of it which was not helping the matter.  My mom thought it would be a good idea for my dad to bring me to the hospital to get checked out….for health reasons and she knew it would give me peace of mind.  She told me today that she can read me like a book and she knew that I was thinking that I would feel better once I saw a professional.  Well with any sort of chest pain, doctors of course let you in immediately and they did an EKG, a chest x-ray and took 4 vials of blood.  My dad and I waited there on the results.  A nurse came in saying that they were going to have to give me a CAT scan.  My EKG was ok and it did not seem to be anything heart related but one of my blood samples showed some elevated levels (of what I am not sure) and because of that they wanted to check for a blood clot in my lung because the symptoms I was describing was common in a woman that has a blood clot in her lung.  Surprisingly, I held myself together quite well considered I hate hospitals and anything medical in general.  After much waiting, the doctor came in and told me that everything was negative (big sigh of relief).  He told me that I most likely pulled a muscle or possibly two in my chest because he could see some inflammation and it was the inflammation that was causing the pressure and discomfort in my chest and part of my back.  He told me to just take Motrin and take it easy for the next couple of days.

Obviously, what happened was uncontrollable.  I questioned whether or not I should even go to the ER but I knew I just needed that peace of mind and to be checked over to make myself feel better.  I talked to my dad while we were waiting and waiting in the ER and I told him that I do not handle pressure and stress well at all and I have been that way forever.  This past week was a rough one with working 6 days and dealing with family and landlord drama and working out hard on top of that and having school work as well.  When I overexert myself, my body and mind let me know that they are finished and it is time to rest up.  You would think I would learn after so many years but I don’t.  Even when I spend a weekend day being lazy, my mind is usually racing thinking about all of the things I need to do.  Old habits die hard.  I know that I need to get a normal routine back….including meditating more regularly.  I have been a worry-wart since I was a very small child and it moved right into adulthood and slowly but surely I am making changes and I have stepped out of my comfort zone and I continually remind myself that it is ok to not be “on” all of the time.  I sometimes focus so much on the need to be happy and positive and that is not realistic.  We all crumble in some way or another at some point or another…that is life.  We need those downs to appreciate the ups.  It is hard not to be your own worst enemy sometimes and I am learning that I am human…mistakes and flaws and insecurities and all.

Day 203 Question 203:

What is something in your life that is a necessary evil?

RED VELVET CAKE ;0)

Day 202 Question 202:

Do we have free will?

Upon surfing the great waves of the Internet I stumbled upon this question.  My interest was immediately perked.  I warn you, this entry will probably go in every direction possible by the time I reach the end.  I started to think about what free-will was (before actually going and doing some research) and the only thing that came to mind was people doing whatever they wanted…having the freedom to do what they feel like doing.  I then started wondering if this was an actual possibility…is free will really possible?  I believe that in life everyone has choices…millions of choices.  People can choose how they act and how they react to everything.  Loving someone is a choice just as much as hating someone is a choice.  The concept of free-will is a nice one but in all honesty, I do not believe as human beings we really are free.  The moment that the government became part of our lives, we gave up the freedom to make certain choices.  These choices were made for us.  I am not saying this is bad in all circumstances….murderers, rapists, child molestors, etc. need to be punished…there is a need for some control (in my opinion). However, if two men that love each other very much want to get married they are unable to in several states.  They have lost their free-will because someone else has made the choices for them.  Obviously, in the state that this world is in now, if people act as freely as they wanted, we would open the doors for mass chaos.  Being controlled to a certain extent has become natural to us….I believe at this current time we need some control based on how quickly we are seeing everything advancing.  I guess I am unsure if people really do have free-will.  I say this because people can choose to do and say anything they want but some of these things are going to lead to punishment…so do they really have a choice???

Is it possible for devout Christians to have free-will?  If they are true devout, practicing Christian they are living by the words of the Bible and the beliefs of God.  I am not insulting or saying it is wrong…these are just things I am questioning in my head.  With saying this though, these are people that are choosing to follow the word of God.  It gets very confusing.  I, personally, do not believe that religious/words of the Bible should be taken lightly.  I have met many “Christians” that seem to pick and choose what they want to believe in and follow when it comes to religion and the Bible.  It is their free will to do so but is that right???  In what aspects of life do we truly get to choose what is right and wrong and according to whom are these things determined as right and wrong?  I say this because people have said that God is the creator and the all-knowing, so I would think that they should follow his words verbatim but that is not the case for a lot of people.  Many Christians are sinners (just like I am too…but I am not a Christian) and choose what is right and wrong for them personally.  Is that allowed when it comes to practicing religion and being a Christian?  I am not asking in an accusatory manner by any means….these are just questions floating through my head.  I am not trying to step on any toes, I just needed and example and I felt that the practice of religion was a good one to use.

A lot of this thinking started over the whole Chik-Fil-A ongoings.  I do not want to get into all of the details because I have heard about it nonstop for days.  It is just one of those things that makes me question how much free-will we have if any.  The CEO of this company used his “free-will” to state his personal beliefs but immediately the media and the public and the government became heavily involved.  The government has been involved in the issue of gay marriage for a long time.  If there are two differing opinions by the masses, if free-will really a possibility.  On either side, people are going to debate, shout that the other is wrong and in some cases this could lead to violence.  We have seen hate crimes sky rocket over the years.  The homosexual person uses their free will to be openly gay and gets beaten horrifically or even killed.  The perpetrator uses his/her free will to be angry and act against and issue that he/she does not agree with.  The laws say this is not right so the perpetrator is to be punished.  Does anyone in this scenario really have free-will?  Can free will exist if we have laws set in place for the masses?

I guess I could go back and forth all day on this topic and what it comes down to is that I really don’t know if free-will is really possible.  I would love to hear what others have to say…not to influence me but to educate me.  I love to have my eyes opened to different view-points.  To my readers, I hope your weekend is magical and mystical and the sun soaks your skin and you smile a lot more than not!

Day 201 Question 201:

 What is a realization that you have had that was hard to accept?  What is something in your life that has been difficult to accept?

 It is hard coming to that realization in life that there are some things in life that you want that you unfortunately will never have.  For me, a close-knit big family is something I have wanted for as long as I can remember and as the years pass I know it is something that will never be.  I have so much love in my heart and I try so hard every day to do the “right” thing and treat people well and I have found out that in my family there are many hateful and judgmental people.  I am different from many people in my family in the way I think and view the world but I still do everything to bring people happiness and I treat them with kindness.  I do not feel comfortable being hateful to others…it is not a part of who I am.

Recently, I have felt betrayed and just overwhelmed by my family.  I love my life and I believe that family is what we make it and I am so lucky to have great friends that I consider to be family.  I have a mother that has shown me so much about compassion and empathy and she is the most beautiful person that is on this earth.  My father is a great man as well even if our relationship can struggle because of how different we are.  I sometimes wonder what he really thinks about me and I desperately want him to be proud of me…regardless of any of that though…I will love him every single day of my life.  My sister and I have a great relationship even if we can both be hard-headed…we are so much alike that neither of us wants to back down sometimes.  I am learning with age though that I need to sometimes just back down and express myself…I need to not act out in anger.  My sister is my best friend.  Unfortunately 1,000 miles separates the two of us and traveling to see each other does not come with ease.  These people are my family (and of course my 2 nephews and brother in law)…that is all that I really have.

I was going to post something on my mom’s Facebook wall yesterday when I stumbled upon a post that my cousin had put on her wall.  She told my mother (on her Facebook wall) that she tried to stay in touch with me but she found me to be weird and she just wanted to protect me from what was out there (I would copy and paste it but it is one big long run-on sentence).  I immediately felt my heart sink.  These words are coming from a woman that is a shut-in and has not left her couch (not even to shower or use the bathroom) in over 3 years.  She does not even know what life is like outside of her front door.  After 33 years of being belittled and talked down to like I was stupid or weird or just not good enough in the eyes of this side of the family, I spoke my peace…these were my words:

Those in glass houses should not throw stones.  You have not seen me in over 6 years. You do not know ANYTHING about my life. I do not drink, smoke, or do drugs. I work 2 jobs and I am working on my Master’s Degree. I do not need to be protected. I treat people every single day with kindness and respect. I do know what your side of the family thinks about me and that saddens me very much because I am being judged without being known at all. I have so much love in my heart but I prefer to share it with people that do not judge me and call me weird….you do not know me. I know what is out in the world….I have experienced SO much more than majority of my family has. I choose not to be ignorant and judgmental (as I could say many things about your side of the family but I choose not to out of decency and respect). If you want to know more about me then you can ask questions…if you choose to call me weird then that is your perogative (and the same with the rest of your family) but remember that saying that without knowing anything about me is just plain ignorance. You may understand why I never come to NY anymore….because I feel unwelcome by your entire side of the family.  I know my mom will not like that I even wrote this but I am tired of keeping my mouth shut. I need to stand up for myself and I am so hurt by the words that have been spoken about me by you, your sister and your parents. I would NEVER do that to someone in my FAMILY and it saddens me to be a part of a family that can talk so negatively about others. My parents are the most wonderful people on earth and they have taught me to treat people with kindness and without judgment. Apparently the same things were not taught on your side of the family. I am deeply hurt. I wish all of you the best in your lives. I hope that maybe you are able to see how ignorant and hurtful judging that you have all done can be.

Her, her sister and her parents I can no longer consider to be family.  It may be a harsh thing to say but I do not view family in a way that people are degraded and made to feel like less of a person.  This side of the family has done that to so many people and I can no longer be in their line of fire….I cannot be spoken of in a demeaning manner when I have not been in the physical presence of these people in over 6 years.  I believe there are times in life when ties must be cut with certain people in order to maintain a healthy mental state.  I will try as hard as possible but when the trying gets to the point of no results then I must call it a day…it is too mentally exhausting to keep wanting for something that is never going to be.  I cannot make people be something that they are not….I wouldn’t want to anyway.  If there comes a point when you dread being around certain people because you know how they are going to speak to you, then you need to let them go…unfortunately that can mean family too.  In my response to my cousin I could have been mean and ugly and mentioned her having no ground to stand on since she hasn’t seen the outdoors in over 3 years or how my other cousin was diagnosed with full-blown diabetes but chose not to share it with her parents because she knew how mean and ugly their reactions were going to be.  I may state them here but I have decency to not insult and degrade people….why do something to someone that you do not want done to you.  I guess what seems like common sense to me is not common sense to everyone.  It disgusts me how easy it is for these family members to throw out ugly and hateful words.  And although it sucks to not have the family I so wish I did, it reminds me all of the time to continually to treat people well…in hopes that others will follow your lead.  I may not be a parent but I would show to every child that I came in contact what kindness and respect was…I believe this should be shown and taught in every venue possible.

I have come to learn as I have aged what I am able to tolerate and what I am unable to tolerate.  In a heartbeat I will fight for those people that I love and care for and those that I have a deep respect for.  I do not wish bad things for any of my family members but there comes a time in life where you have to decide who you want in and who you want out.  You must question whether people are beneficial in your life or whether they are toxic.  It is unfortunate but there are several members of my family that are toxic and after trying to be kind and introduce the real me to them time and time again with only being rejected, I have concluded that the time has come to cut ties.  I want a big happy family but unfortunately that is not in the cards for me…well not in the traditional sense at least.  I have formed my own family….although they are not blood they are the people in my life that inspire me and drive me and are there to listen to me when they know I just need to be heard.  These are my friends and my remaining blood family (my mom, dad and sister and her family).  These are the
people that never make me feel like lesser of a person even if we may not always have the same viewpoints.  Maybe I am just too picky but I choose to keep people in my life that I find beautiful….not physically beautiful but personally beautiful.  I feel this natural draw to people that are funny and those that smile a lot…those people that want to do for others before doing for themselves….those people that ache with creativity….those people that focus on not judging as much as possible….those people that can admit that they are wrong and move forward instead of sitting in the issue forever.  With this part of my family that I have talked about, there has never been any kind of natural bond.  Every visit has been robotic and all conversations have been forced.  I have tried to reach out on different occasions but I found those times to be a waste….I would rather spend my time with people that lift me up and make me feel good than with those that make me feel like I will NEVER be good enough.  It’s not an easy thing to admit but that is a part of life…the more time passes the more you grow and the more you know what you as a person stand for.  This is the first time in my life that I have finally stood my ground because I feel that my feelings and my thoughts ARE important enough.

Day 200 Question 200:

What was the last thing that completely moved you?

Day 200…who would have thought I would make it this far?  When I first started this creative journey, I knew I wanted to write every single day for 365 days but a little part of me had my doubts of whether I would actually follow through.  Honestly, this blog has changed my life…in a sense it has saved me and it has allowed me to grow as a person.  By posing a different question to myself every single day I have forced myself to open my eyes to the world around me.  I have studied more about the world than I ever thought I would and I have found my passions and the things that really drive me.  I have found my voice.  I have traveled far outside of my comfort zone and I have finally started living because I have taken on the one thing that I love most in this world.  To write for me is like breathing…it allows me to express my thoughts at the tips of my fingers without having to vocally fumble over my words.

Yesterday while trucking along on the elliptical at my gym I caught a glimpse of a news story featuring a young boy that competed in triathlons.  The special part of the story is that he would compete as a team with his brother that has cerebral palsy.  He didn’t want his brother to be left out.  He didn’t find it fair that his brother was not able to participate in all of the things that little boys love when they are young.  I knew that I needed to do more research and I found the story featured on the ESPN website and in no time I was moved to tears.  Yesterday was a great day for me in that I felt motivated and driven and I officially signed myself up to run in my first 5K race in October.  I was (and still am nervous) but I thought that if this young boy could compete in triathlons with his younger brother in tote then there was nothing that should hold me back…even if I needed to power walk some of it (running is not my strong suit but I am working on it day by day).  I wanted to share this video and another that I found so very touching with my readers.  These two videos (in my opinion) show what real, unconditional love is and it warms my heart that they are young boys and still choose to love so much not caring what the world thinks.  I have the trailers below for both films but if you click on this link below you will be able to see the full ESPN video of the one story :0)  I hope you love it as much as I do :0)

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=7208128&categoryid=3060647