Day 205 Question 205:
What’s been tempting you lately?
I admit that I give in to temptation sometimes. I will eat junk food or indulge in a sweet treat when I am just feeling a little naughty…hahaha. Lately though, I have been tempted by something different. I am happy with my life….there is way more good than bad but I am itching for a change. As I change I want my environments to change. I am that type of person that does not stand still for very long…and this includes where I live. Since moving to SC 10 years ago, I have moved 9 times. Many of the times were to get closer to work and change in roommates and although the whole process of moving sucks, I love the fresh new start in a fresh new place. I have been tempted to make big changes…location changes, job changes, self-changes. There are people in my life that I need to rid myself of and I want to open doors to meeting new and interesting people. Any appeal to this tourist area that I live in now has been lost…I have never been able to call this place home. I have been tempted to up and move to a place with more culture and more opportunity….a place that would be a much better niche for me. I have had this same thought and feeling for a lot of years. I have never felt like this place was right for me. Having the beach only mere miles away is great but I don’t take advantage of it as much as I should and it isn’t a factor that lures me all that much.
People wonder why I have not already left if I feel this way and to be honest it is because I am nervous. Moving to a new place all alone is scary. I am outgoing and I would meet new people but making friends in your 30’s is not at all the same as making friends in your teens and early 20’s. It is so tempting though….to jump so far out of my comfort zone and to challenge myself. I have been doing a lot of that lately….just not as big. I want to be working at a job where I interact with a lot of people in a day and I am part of making an impact. I absolutely love my jobs now but I know I am not using my potential to its fullest. I love change but it isn’t always easy. I guess I just needed to put a few things down in writing so I knew what I really wanted. I am not a dishonest person but I have come to realize that it is not easy to be honest with yourself. I meditate every day and majority of my days are really good but at times I am just thrown off by a shitty day or a shitty week. The past few days have been that way for me and it is lingering with me and (of course) it makes me feel bad. I have a hard time accepting that bad days and bad moods and moments of vulnerability are normal and a part of life. I am always wanting to put on the happy face but sometimes that feels like the hardest thing in the world to do.
What I just wrote is the reason I am tempted for change. The problem is that patience is not my strong suit. I want the change to happen NOW and I want all bad to be left in the past. Yes, I do realize that life does not work that way but in my magical, fairytale world I sometimes wish it did. I have tested my strength over the past year and have found that I am way more capable and way stronger than I thought I was but I still can be overwhelmed by my nerves. I would pay money to go back in time and rid myself of anxiety…to rid myself of worry. It has definitely lessened over time but it has not disappeared and I am not sure if it ever will. It is the part of me that makes me feel a little bit broken. I am fighting this though…don’t get me wrong…this entry did not start with the intention of getting depressing. I am just writing what I feel right here right now. There are very few people I feel absolutely comfortable talking to about my feelings and my concerns and my wants. I hold a lot in and I know that is not healthy so I use this outlet to let it out. As a person I am an observer. I love to watch people and I see people do things that annoy me and seem quite desperate. I wonder if I am being too judgmental and then I immediately wonder if I am guilty of those same things. See what I mean when I am always saying that life is this great balancing act. I believe that your life is truly balanced when you are able to accept ALL of yourself…even the bad. That is the part I am still working on. I tend to criticize myself for every little thought and action that may not be appealing instead of seeing that as living and being in the moment…accepting it for what it is and moving forward. I linger in the past sometimes (the mistakes I have made) and I allow others opinions to hold a little too much ground in my life. Sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit or believe in myself the way that I should. I find it funny to know these things but the thoughts and the actions are not always in sync. I was a late bloomer in life and I think it is just taking me time to catch up….taking me time to FINALLY feel comfortable in my own skin and accept and embrace change and to love myself for all of the good but even for all of the “bad” and the mistakes and the self-doubt. One thing is for certain…I care so very much and I do not take life for granted. People will tell me I am wrong and I am weird and I overthink all of the time and although those words will cut like a knife sometimes, I know that it is only me that lives in this body…it is only me who can fully understand myself.
I guess I went in a little bit of a direction than I even expected. I love when that happens though. It allows me to revisit my life whenever I wish and see how I was feeling at that moment. It shows to me that I am living…not just alive.