Day 204 Question 204:

What is a bad habit that you want to break?

I have the worst habit of letting things build up.  I have been the person for as long as I can remember that just keeps her mouth shut and doesn’t speak her mind.  Sometimes this can be good because it saves on a lot of unnecessary drama but in the same, when doing this, I am letting my mind and body just fall apart.  Last night I ended up in the ER.  On Friday night I was finishing off work at the restaurant.  While sitting at the bar just talking to my boss I got this shard pain in my chest and it went away but there was a nagging pressure after that.  I just let it be and went home and went to pain.  The nagging pressure continued into Saturday and Sunday and by Sunday night while driving back from a friend’s house I decided to go to my parent’s to tell them about it.  The pain wasn’t horrific but it was uncomfortable enough to bother me.  I knew that I was also feeling anxious because of it which was not helping the matter.  My mom thought it would be a good idea for my dad to bring me to the hospital to get checked out….for health reasons and she knew it would give me peace of mind.  She told me today that she can read me like a book and she knew that I was thinking that I would feel better once I saw a professional.  Well with any sort of chest pain, doctors of course let you in immediately and they did an EKG, a chest x-ray and took 4 vials of blood.  My dad and I waited there on the results.  A nurse came in saying that they were going to have to give me a CAT scan.  My EKG was ok and it did not seem to be anything heart related but one of my blood samples showed some elevated levels (of what I am not sure) and because of that they wanted to check for a blood clot in my lung because the symptoms I was describing was common in a woman that has a blood clot in her lung.  Surprisingly, I held myself together quite well considered I hate hospitals and anything medical in general.  After much waiting, the doctor came in and told me that everything was negative (big sigh of relief).  He told me that I most likely pulled a muscle or possibly two in my chest because he could see some inflammation and it was the inflammation that was causing the pressure and discomfort in my chest and part of my back.  He told me to just take Motrin and take it easy for the next couple of days.

Obviously, what happened was uncontrollable.  I questioned whether or not I should even go to the ER but I knew I just needed that peace of mind and to be checked over to make myself feel better.  I talked to my dad while we were waiting and waiting in the ER and I told him that I do not handle pressure and stress well at all and I have been that way forever.  This past week was a rough one with working 6 days and dealing with family and landlord drama and working out hard on top of that and having school work as well.  When I overexert myself, my body and mind let me know that they are finished and it is time to rest up.  You would think I would learn after so many years but I don’t.  Even when I spend a weekend day being lazy, my mind is usually racing thinking about all of the things I need to do.  Old habits die hard.  I know that I need to get a normal routine back….including meditating more regularly.  I have been a worry-wart since I was a very small child and it moved right into adulthood and slowly but surely I am making changes and I have stepped out of my comfort zone and I continually remind myself that it is ok to not be “on” all of the time.  I sometimes focus so much on the need to be happy and positive and that is not realistic.  We all crumble in some way or another at some point or another…that is life.  We need those downs to appreciate the ups.  It is hard not to be your own worst enemy sometimes and I am learning that I am human…mistakes and flaws and insecurities and all.