Day 201 Question 201:
What is a realization that you have had that was hard to accept? What is something in your life that has been difficult to accept?
It is hard coming to that realization in life that there are some things in life that you want that you unfortunately will never have. For me, a close-knit big family is something I have wanted for as long as I can remember and as the years pass I know it is something that will never be. I have so much love in my heart and I try so hard every day to do the “right” thing and treat people well and I have found out that in my family there are many hateful and judgmental people. I am different from many people in my family in the way I think and view the world but I still do everything to bring people happiness and I treat them with kindness. I do not feel comfortable being hateful to others…it is not a part of who I am.
Recently, I have felt betrayed and just overwhelmed by my family. I love my life and I believe that family is what we make it and I am so lucky to have great friends that I consider to be family. I have a mother that has shown me so much about compassion and empathy and she is the most beautiful person that is on this earth. My father is a great man as well even if our relationship can struggle because of how different we are. I sometimes wonder what he really thinks about me and I desperately want him to be proud of me…regardless of any of that though…I will love him every single day of my life. My sister and I have a great relationship even if we can both be hard-headed…we are so much alike that neither of us wants to back down sometimes. I am learning with age though that I need to sometimes just back down and express myself…I need to not act out in anger. My sister is my best friend. Unfortunately 1,000 miles separates the two of us and traveling to see each other does not come with ease. These people are my family (and of course my 2 nephews and brother in law)…that is all that I really have.
I was going to post something on my mom’s Facebook wall yesterday when I stumbled upon a post that my cousin had put on her wall. She told my mother (on her Facebook wall) that she tried to stay in touch with me but she found me to be weird and she just wanted to protect me from what was out there (I would copy and paste it but it is one big long run-on sentence). I immediately felt my heart sink. These words are coming from a woman that is a shut-in and has not left her couch (not even to shower or use the bathroom) in over 3 years. She does not even know what life is like outside of her front door. After 33 years of being belittled and talked down to like I was stupid or weird or just not good enough in the eyes of this side of the family, I spoke my peace…these were my words:
Those in glass houses should not throw stones. You have not seen me in over 6 years. You do not know ANYTHING about my life. I do not drink, smoke, or do drugs. I work 2 jobs and I am working on my Master’s Degree. I do not need to be protected. I treat people every single day with kindness and respect. I do know what your side of the family thinks about me and that saddens me very much because I am being judged without being known at all. I have so much love in my heart but I prefer to share it with people that do not judge me and call me weird….you do not know me. I know what is out in the world….I have experienced SO much more than majority of my family has. I choose not to be ignorant and judgmental (as I could say many things about your side of the family but I choose not to out of decency and respect). If you want to know more about me then you can ask questions…if you choose to call me weird then that is your perogative (and the same with the rest of your family) but remember that saying that without knowing anything about me is just plain ignorance. You may understand why I never come to NY anymore….because I feel unwelcome by your entire side of the family. I know my mom will not like that I even wrote this but I am tired of keeping my mouth shut. I need to stand up for myself and I am so hurt by the words that have been spoken about me by you, your sister and your parents. I would NEVER do that to someone in my FAMILY and it saddens me to be a part of a family that can talk so negatively about others. My parents are the most wonderful people on earth and they have taught me to treat people with kindness and without judgment. Apparently the same things were not taught on your side of the family. I am deeply hurt. I wish all of you the best in your lives. I hope that maybe you are able to see how ignorant and hurtful judging that you have all done can be.
Her, her sister and her parents I can no longer consider to be family. It may be a harsh thing to say but I do not view family in a way that people are degraded and made to feel like less of a person. This side of the family has done that to so many people and I can no longer be in their line of fire….I cannot be spoken of in a demeaning manner when I have not been in the physical presence of these people in over 6 years. I believe there are times in life when ties must be cut with certain people in order to maintain a healthy mental state. I will try as hard as possible but when the trying gets to the point of no results then I must call it a day…it is too mentally exhausting to keep wanting for something that is never going to be. I cannot make people be something that they are not….I wouldn’t want to anyway. If there comes a point when you dread being around certain people because you know how they are going to speak to you, then you need to let them go…unfortunately that can mean family too. In my response to my cousin I could have been mean and ugly and mentioned her having no ground to stand on since she hasn’t seen the outdoors in over 3 years or how my other cousin was diagnosed with full-blown diabetes but chose not to share it with her parents because she knew how mean and ugly their reactions were going to be. I may state them here but I have decency to not insult and degrade people….why do something to someone that you do not want done to you. I guess what seems like common sense to me is not common sense to everyone. It disgusts me how easy it is for these family members to throw out ugly and hateful words. And although it sucks to not have the family I so wish I did, it reminds me all of the time to continually to treat people well…in hopes that others will follow your lead. I may not be a parent but I would show to every child that I came in contact what kindness and respect was…I believe this should be shown and taught in every venue possible.
I have come to learn as I have aged what I am able to tolerate and what I am unable to tolerate. In a heartbeat I will fight for those people that I love and care for and those that I have a deep respect for. I do not wish bad things for any of my family members but there comes a time in life where you have to decide who you want in and who you want out. You must question whether people are beneficial in your life or whether they are toxic. It is unfortunate but there are several members of my family that are toxic and after trying to be kind and introduce the real me to them time and time again with only being rejected, I have concluded that the time has come to cut ties. I want a big happy family but unfortunately that is not in the cards for me…well not in the traditional sense at least. I have formed my own family….although they are not blood they are the people in my life that inspire me and drive me and are there to listen to me when they know I just need to be heard. These are my friends and my remaining blood family (my mom, dad and sister and her family). These are the
people that never make me feel like lesser of a person even if we may not always have the same viewpoints. Maybe I am just too picky but I choose to keep people in my life that I find beautiful….not physically beautiful but personally beautiful. I feel this natural draw to people that are funny and those that smile a lot…those people that want to do for others before doing for themselves….those people that ache with creativity….those people that focus on not judging as much as possible….those people that can admit that they are wrong and move forward instead of sitting in the issue forever. With this part of my family that I have talked about, there has never been any kind of natural bond. Every visit has been robotic and all conversations have been forced. I have tried to reach out on different occasions but I found those times to be a waste….I would rather spend my time with people that lift me up and make me feel good than with those that make me feel like I will NEVER be good enough. It’s not an easy thing to admit but that is a part of life…the more time passes the more you grow and the more you know what you as a person stand for. This is the first time in my life that I have finally stood my ground because I feel that my feelings and my thoughts ARE important enough.