It's a New Day…

Day 319 Question 319:

Would you rather teach or learn?

I love this question because I desire both of these things so much.  I believe everyone in this world is a teacher in some form whether they realize it or not.  I love to teach.  I love to share my experiences and thoughts with others and guide them in a manner that will hopefully enlighten them or help them find a good place in this life.  I always give the disclaimer of not knowing truth in anything so my teachings can be shared so others can follow if they choose….otherwise people lose their individuality and I find individuality to be very sacred.  With all of this being said, if I had to choose between teaching and learning I would have to choose to learn.  This world that we know of is enormous and there are learning opportunities around every tiny corner that we turn.  I also believe that as we learn we unknowingly teach just through simple conversations.  Once we share our experiences with others we are teaching them something they never know previously.  I have said for as long as I can remember that I would be a student for life if possible.  I have found that this is possible….the only difference is that my environments have become my classroom and the people around me have become my teachers.  Through this blog I have met people from India, Algeria, England, Australia, and several countries of the Middle East.  Just this morning a Facebook friend from Nigeria struck up a conversation with me on Facebook and she asked me questions about my life and the United States.  I learned from her that sex before marriage in her country was punishable by law but many people have sex in secret.  She told me that a person can be jailed if they were found guilty and I did not ask but I was curious about whether the punishment could possibly be more severe.  My curiosity peaked in wondering what their legal and judicial system was like.  I ache to always know more and I love finding knowledge through books and film but there is nothing more genuine than learning through personal experience and through the words of someone that lives a life completely different from all you have ever known.

I want to learn so I can hear the excitement and pride in a person’s voice.  I want to learn so I can feel like I am part of the story if even in the smallest way.  When I learn I appreciate my life more and see that life is so much more than what I have known…more than what is the norm to me.  I believe that when you take time to truly learn, you are able to see people differently and understand them differently.  Not one of us has the same story so when we take the opportunity to learn we may find reasons behind the things that have bothered us, annoyed us or peaked our curiosity.  We may find heartache in places we never thought possible and traditions and customs could be uncovered because we took the time to see them.

Day 318 Question 318:

What qualities do the people I admire share?

There is nothing I admire more than a powerful, strong woman!  I love the take charge woman that is on a mission to get things done.  Don’t confuse this with the woman that is just a bitch….there is a very big difference.  I do not admire only strong women figures.  There are several male figures that have changed the path of this cruel world that hold qualities that I think are not only admirable but beautiful.  I speak of women so much because I am one and I know the shy little girl that I once was and I have watched myself grow into this woman that has a voice and strives to make a difference.  I see a woman that does not see only the world she lives in but the worlds so far outside of herself.

I don’t know why but I am drawn to the stories of women all over the world.  The women that live in third-world countries where violence and rape are an every day occurrence.  I cannot imagine living in a place where you live every day in fear…where you could be brutally raped and have your family disown you because you have shamed them.  There are women through this horrible circumstances that choose to constantly rise above and fight for the rights and freedoms that they know they deserve.  I admire the women of the world that may be victims of rape or violence but never see themselves as victims.  They are the women that fight for the rights of other women in hopes that they never have to suffer in the same way.

This past year I read the book Half the Sky and I was so glad to see a documentary aired on PBS.  This book changed my life.  This book made me see life through such different lenses and to value women a little bit more.  In the United States women have become CEO’s and have fought their way toward equality.  We still have steps to take and in some areas we may not be complete equals but we are certainly getting there.  I am proud to be a woman from this country because we are fighters and achievers and we are not thought of as lesser of people (for the most part).  In other parts of the world though, women spend day in and day out suffering because they are considered less than even street animals.  Women hold no value in other countries and they are unaware of this because it is all that they have ever known.  Some women believe they truly are lesser of people and less important or valuable because it is the way they have been treated since they were small.  This tears my heart apart completely because no woman should ever feel like that…no woman should ever be treated like that.  It is women that give life….there would be no men if it was not for the beautiful womb of a woman.  I cannot wrap my brain around why women would be considered less of people when they have this miraculous ability to bring life into this world.

Half the Sky is a book with many brutal and saddening details about the torture that women all over the world face day in and day out BUT the significance of the book is to introduce those women that have fought to save themselves and save other women.  It shows to the entire female population the true value of women and there is not one woman that should be treated like or believe that she is lesser of a person just because of her gender.  The women pictured below are the women that I admire.  They are selfless and they are warriors.  I have not experienced what some of these women have gone through but I would love to be part of the process to empower other women….to educate them and to rebuild them so they learn and believe the beauty and the power they all hold.  I see young girls and women (even friends of mine…and even myself from time to time) that doubt themselves and see themselves as lesser than what they are.  These women below do not focus on the superficial but instead empower women by showing them their abilities and their power.  Whether it be in this country or a country many thousands of miles away I ache to tell women (even women that I do not know) how important they are and how valuable they are to society.  I want to hold the hands of my sister and tell them to stop worrying about what is on the inside and allow their inner beauty to shine because each and every one of us have it.

Day 317 Question 317:

If you could sit down and have a heart-to-heart discussion with your younger self, what words would you share with her or him?

Hindsight is 20/20.  The past is the past.  I talk about this all of the time….it is something we can never get back.  What is there was a way though?  What if there was a way to visit ourselves at a younger age and have a conversation with that person?  Imagine how different your life could be just because of one simple conversation with your past/younger self.  So, the question is, what would I say?

I would tell my younger self to let go of worry and take chances.  Life passes by so quickly and you eventually reach ages where it is not so easy to accomplish those things you may have once thought about.  I would tell my younger self to not ignore her feelings but instead to live through them and grow from them.  I am now 34 years old and I am just starting to slowly step outside of my comfort zones.  I would encourage my younger self to take chances and remind her that she has greater strength than she even realizes.  I would tell her to embrace art and writing and all that she finds a passion in and not let anyone lead to her to feel or do a certain way….to live life in a way that feels natural for her.  I would tell my younger self what my journey has been like so far and tell her that although certain times were hard and others felt unbearable that they were worth it because I have grown.  I would never want to change my younger self….I would want to encourage her to learn more and do more while she still has her youth.  A life without pain is not worth living because it would be impossible to truly understand happiness or love.  If I had just one simple day I would teach/show my younger self everything that is so important to me now….the value of family, the importance of compassion, the need for knowledge, the desire to see beauty in all things whether good or bad.  I would share with her the importance of loving herself and finding her inner peace….I guess this may potentially change the path because if she were to do this then a lot of events that occurred may have never been a thought (self-loathing, treacherous relationships, etc.).   I would tell my younger self how the years of youth are the most important because it is when we feel most alive and have the most opportunities.

It would be far too easy to complain about all of the chaos in the world and how violence has become far too much of a commonplace.  Although there are days when I feel sad and angry because of the state of the world, no matter what I see the beauty in it.  I see the potential in people and I will believe that everyone has goodness (even if they never show it)…those are my convictions.  To my younger self I would share with her the importance of life outside of herself…the importance of embracing people very different from herself.  I would tell her that people will call her weird and tell her that she is a dreamer and people may want to beat down her ideas day in and day out but to never ever stop dreaming and living according to what she feels…not according to what everyone else tells her to be…..to live in her own state of natural bliss.  I could tell my younger self these words and she could potentially blow them off or not absorb at the moment but I know at some point she would understand because living this way is a part of her….it is what is most beautiful about her.  Even if she becomes the wallflower and rarely vocalizes her feelings to others, she holds this beauty inside of her….a beauty that comes from being selfless and empathetic.  A beauty that stopped focusing on the outer person and started seeing that beauty has nothing to do with the way we look but instead on the way we act.

Day 316 Question 316:

What changes do you want to make in your life?

Sometimes it feels next to impossible to describe how you are feeling.  It is as if the words to the feelings don’t exist.  I have felt different as of lately but I can’t quite put my finger on what I am feeling…..I guess lost would be the only way to describe it.  I am not unhappy I just kind of feel stuck in the middle of two places.  I feel like I am on a path to something big but in the meantime I am not running into people that I can relate to…or that can relate to me.  I feel like I am in a transitional period of discovery and I have not found comfort in sharing this with anyone.  I have hidden away a lot of me because I have not found another person (yet) that I am at ease with that I can explain (or at least try to) explain my feelings to.  My ex used to tell me that he was more comfortable with strangers and I always thought he was crazy for that but now I understand it.  Strangers aren’t going to judge you….well not in the same way that the people you know would.  If you unload to a stranger you do so with no intention of not seeing them again but getting out all that has been filling you up to your core.  It makes complete sense.

Not showing vulnerability and not being completely 100% honest with myself are my 2 biggest character flaws.  I am aware of it but doing either of those things feels like complete torture to me.  It brings a feeling of fear….I think it is a fear of loss.  I am still finding my balance and when I have admitted things to myself I have felt ashamed for some of my actions and embarrassed by the things I have said or done.  I know these moments are normal for everyone but the feeling is never a nice one.  I know that the past is something we can’t get back but I still look back at things I have done and wish I never did them or said them.  I know the changes I have made in life and how good it feels but sometimes I struggle because other people may not know and may still see the person that I was and it just is a reminder that I sometimes don’t want or need.  It makes me wonder if I have really changed or if I am just trying to convince myself that I have changed.  The biggest change I really need to focus on is allowing others to control my thoughts and my actions.  I get hung up on everyone’s opinions of me and it sometimes makes me feel absolutely mad….then I start feeling bad about myself and it just spirals downward.

I don’t know why it is but it seems like when you get kicked down it happens more than once all at the same time.  Everything can be running smoothly then it just seems like some force knows that so they need to throw you that curve ball to make sure you are really paying attention….it is a challenge (at least that is what I believe).  I have this great strength within me and I know this but I have these momentary lapses where I just feel like sinking…like crying (which I have)….like just screaming at the top of my lungs to just get it out of me.  The change I have to make is truly accepting what I feel even if I don’t like it and I need to stop worrying about what I am guilty of.  If I find myself upset at someone for their actions I am rarely unable to accept feeling that way….instead I analyze myself and try to see if I am guilty of the same thing.  I make my feelings completely invalid…I make my feelings insignificant.  I see my own flaws far too much and I know I must stop that.  I need to return to the regular meditation process and return to the place of peace I know is within me.  I need to remind myself of my gifts and my opportunities and stop reminding myself of all of the things that I have done wrong.  I need to remind myself that the past cannot be changed and I cannot continue to beat myself up for the person that I was because I am no longer that person.  This change comes with difficulty because old habits die hard.

Day 315 Question 315:

What are the best rules/instructions for life?

Day 314 Question 314:

How do you feel about Birthdays?

Well, today is my birthday.  I am 34 years old.  So many people hate birthdays as they get older but I love getting older.  I love that I learn more every year and am able to experience more of what life has to offer.  It’s just that simple :0)

Day 313 Question 313:

What is your favorite documentary and why?

The story of a band of brothers who travel the world in search of the answers to the burning questions: Who am I? Who is Man? Why do we search for meaning? Their journey brings them into the middle of the lives of the homeless on the streets of New York City, the orphans and disabled children of Peru, and the abandoned lepers in the forests of Ghana, Africa. What the young men discover changes them forever. Through one-on-one interviews and real life encounters, the brothers are awakened to the beauty of the human person and the resilience of the human spirit.

I introduced this documentary to my mom yesterday.  I thought Thanksgiving would be the perfect day to watch it again and share it with her for the first time.  This documentary is the essence of what humankind and humanity should be.  I would love to explain it in great detail because it is something that I could watch over and over again but I would rather people experience it for themselves if they are able to.  It is a story of forgiveness and a story of beauty….what beauty really is and really means. It is a story of friendship and unity.  It is a story of compassion and empathy.

There is no better time than now….this story is beautiful and it something that I believe everyone should see.  I believe you can find it on Netflix.  I even bought a very inexpensive copy to have of my own on Amazon.  It might even be on youtube for free.  Trust me, it is worth seeing…it will change your life. :0)

Day 312 Question 312:

What are you thankful for?

Well, this question was an obvious one for the day.  I first want to say Happy Thanksgiving to all of my friends (whether they be in-person or virtual) and to all of my much loved family.  I don’t believe that we should take only one day to be thankful but it is a nice reminder once a year of all that we are blessed with.  It is nice to share what we are thankful though and remind those around us to not take the beauty of this world for granted.  I am thankful for this life and the opportunities I have been given.  I am thankful for parents that believe in me even if we aren’t always on the same page.  I am thankful for finding my strength and my voice (slowly but surely).  I am thankful for all of those men and women out there that have sacrificed their lives because they have such deep love for our country and believe wholeheartedly in freedom.  I am thankful for the friends that have been there when I really needed them (and even when I haven’t).  Honestly, I am thankful for everything in this life because it has made me learn so much.  It has allowed me to learn who I truly am but also learn the importance of giving back…even if it is just a small gesture.  Life has shown me that we need struggles in order to learn and grow and I am thankful that I have finally grown to understand what that truly means.

I am thankful for my readers and my supporters.  I say this very rarely but I have needed you to help guide me and that you have….you have shared your own experiences, truths and lives and I am beyond thankful for that.  It may only be virtual but you are all of my friends and I am thankful for your thoughts and your beauty.

I hope everyone spends this Holiday with those that they love and remember how beautiful this life really is!  HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Day 311 Question 311:

Who is someone that you miss a lot?

I would like to say I think about my grandmother everyday but I don’t.  She does pass through my mind a lot though…during those times of personal reminiscing.  I speak of my grandmother on my mother’s side.  I can’t even start to describe what a wonderful woman my grandmother was.  I see her in my mother every time we spend time together and I think that is part of the reason I love my mom more and more every time we are together.  My grandmother was a woman filled with great warmth….she was the definition of selfless.  Even though I was only 13 when she passed I can still remember the way her house smelled and the way she smiled with such sincerity.  When I was 10 or 11 my parents left my sister and I at my grandparent’s house while they went Christmas shopping and I remember sitting in the living room just baking in the heat.  I am not sure why so many old people want their house to be 90 degrees all year round.  The hotter it got the sicker I felt.  My grandmother asked me if I wanted to sit on her lap and not even 30 seconds after sitting down I threw up all the way from her shoulders to her feet.  All my grandmother did was place my face in her hands and asked in the sweetest voice if I felt better and she just let out a little laugh.  She didn’t overreact or get upset, she loved me so unconditionally and I will hold onto that moment until my last day.

As I have grown in age I have asked my mom a lot more about her family and every time she speaks of her mom (my grandmother) I feel what my mom feels.  My mom loved her mother so much…I sometimes think that they are really the same person.  My grandmother passed away almost 20 years ago on Christmas morning (around 3am).  I remember lying in my bed and hearing the phone ring in my parent’s room and hearing my mom start to sob.  I didn’t move.  I just remained in my bed hoping that I would drift back to sleep.  The next morning my parents got us up to open presents and I waited for my mom to tell us but she didn’t.  She told us much later in the day and explained that she didn’t want to ruin our Christmas by making us all sad….she said she wasn’t going to tell us until the next day but her heart was hurting and she knew we would know something was wrong.  I never said anything to my mom until I was well into my 20’s.  We were sitting around talking about Christmas and she mentioned her mother and the phone call she received and I looked at her and told her that I knew…I told her that I heard the whole thing.  I was 13 years old and I knew then that my mom was being selfless in the exact same way her mother would have been by not telling us until the time was right….not putting a damper on our Christmas.  As I type these words right now tears have started to fall from my eyes because in my life I have been truly blessed to have known and learned from these two beautiful women….these women that have not just taught me but have shown me what is means to be compassionate and empathetic and to live life with great love in your heart.  I hope that if an afterlife of some form does exist that I get to spend more time with my grandmother because there is so much more I want to learn from her….I want to hear her voice and feel her arms around me….I want to tell her that she was a piece of strength in me that I didn’t know I had for a long time…for that I want to thank her.  I would give anything to spend one more day with my grandmother (especially at this age) so I could ask her the story of her life and tell her what an impact she had on me in just the 13 years we had together.  My grandmother was a hero in my eyes and I never told her that because it took me a long time to learn….I loved her though with everything in me and that she knew.