Day 316 Question 316:

What changes do you want to make in your life?

Sometimes it feels next to impossible to describe how you are feeling.  It is as if the words to the feelings don’t exist.  I have felt different as of lately but I can’t quite put my finger on what I am feeling…..I guess lost would be the only way to describe it.  I am not unhappy I just kind of feel stuck in the middle of two places.  I feel like I am on a path to something big but in the meantime I am not running into people that I can relate to…or that can relate to me.  I feel like I am in a transitional period of discovery and I have not found comfort in sharing this with anyone.  I have hidden away a lot of me because I have not found another person (yet) that I am at ease with that I can explain (or at least try to) explain my feelings to.  My ex used to tell me that he was more comfortable with strangers and I always thought he was crazy for that but now I understand it.  Strangers aren’t going to judge you….well not in the same way that the people you know would.  If you unload to a stranger you do so with no intention of not seeing them again but getting out all that has been filling you up to your core.  It makes complete sense.

Not showing vulnerability and not being completely 100% honest with myself are my 2 biggest character flaws.  I am aware of it but doing either of those things feels like complete torture to me.  It brings a feeling of fear….I think it is a fear of loss.  I am still finding my balance and when I have admitted things to myself I have felt ashamed for some of my actions and embarrassed by the things I have said or done.  I know these moments are normal for everyone but the feeling is never a nice one.  I know that the past is something we can’t get back but I still look back at things I have done and wish I never did them or said them.  I know the changes I have made in life and how good it feels but sometimes I struggle because other people may not know and may still see the person that I was and it just is a reminder that I sometimes don’t want or need.  It makes me wonder if I have really changed or if I am just trying to convince myself that I have changed.  The biggest change I really need to focus on is allowing others to control my thoughts and my actions.  I get hung up on everyone’s opinions of me and it sometimes makes me feel absolutely mad….then I start feeling bad about myself and it just spirals downward.

I don’t know why it is but it seems like when you get kicked down it happens more than once all at the same time.  Everything can be running smoothly then it just seems like some force knows that so they need to throw you that curve ball to make sure you are really paying attention….it is a challenge (at least that is what I believe).  I have this great strength within me and I know this but I have these momentary lapses where I just feel like sinking…like crying (which I have)….like just screaming at the top of my lungs to just get it out of me.  The change I have to make is truly accepting what I feel even if I don’t like it and I need to stop worrying about what I am guilty of.  If I find myself upset at someone for their actions I am rarely unable to accept feeling that way….instead I analyze myself and try to see if I am guilty of the same thing.  I make my feelings completely invalid…I make my feelings insignificant.  I see my own flaws far too much and I know I must stop that.  I need to return to the regular meditation process and return to the place of peace I know is within me.  I need to remind myself of my gifts and my opportunities and stop reminding myself of all of the things that I have done wrong.  I need to remind myself that the past cannot be changed and I cannot continue to beat myself up for the person that I was because I am no longer that person.  This change comes with difficulty because old habits die hard.