It's a New Day…

Day 339 Question 339:

What do you believe that everyone needs to be reminded of from time to time?

I spent many years disliking Christmas because my grandmother passed away on Christmas morning when I was only 13.  For a long time, I never really knew or understood the meaning of the holiday and this time of year.  It is about the gifts…it is simply about love.  I had only 13 years with my grandmother and I can no longer feel anger of sadness because she was taken away….I feel lucky to have had those 13 years.  There are families in Connecticut that has lost a small child….they will not be able to see the wonder and the curiosity in their eyes as they hear about the magic of Santa.  My grandmother was in her 80’s when she passed and for what I have known she lived a good life with many people that loved her.  These families did not have enough time with these little ones.  My time of sorry and anger because of my loss is over….it is my time to keep these people in my heart for years to come because their struggle will always be much bigger than mine.  Their loss is one that will never make sense to them and even though they may accept it as time passes they will always feel an empty place in their hearts.

I still am unsure what I believe in but I cherish the opportunities that I have to give to those that I love (and I try to do that all year round instead of just at Christmas time).    I have learned that no matter what religion or belief system you may hold, that life truly is short and we need to take advantage of the opportunities in every moment to show those around us that we love them….that they are important….that they matter. We need to stop criticizing and playing the blame game and focus on the good…we need to take the time to say I love you and to lend our ear or our shoulder to not only friends and family but to anyone that may need a helping hand. We must start learning and modeling compassion and empathy because that is what this world needs more than ever right now! So I ask for nothing this Christmas but this. To all those that are parents, I know you will spoil your children and they deserve it but remember to teach them about giving back….show them how much more meaningful giving is than receiving…this will allow them to model for others as they grow. To those without children, whether single, in a relationship or married (and even those with children)….stop for one moment and think before you speak or immediately judge and remember you have never walked a day in another person’s shoes.  The homeless man of the corner begging for money may not be a drug addict or an alcoholic….we do not know his struggle….give people the benefit of the doubt….trust me he already feels that the world is against him.   Have faith in goodness…believe in it with all that you have because you may be surprised by the power this one simple thing can hold!

With this whole tragic school shooting I have seen so many stories and a lot of arguments about gun control and mental health issues and criticisms flying all over the media about the mother of the gunman…..criticisms in general about what everyone thinks about this or that.  I ask for everyone to remember that we will never know another person’s motives or thought processes in any moment…we have never and will never spend a day looking through their eyes and thinking their thoughts.  The blame game and criticism will solve nothing….if anything it will just add fuel to the fire.  This is something so simple to understand but unfortunately anger and violence have become a norm in today’s society.  It can be difficult sometimes when you have been hurt over and over again but try to give people the benefit of the doubt and believe in their goodness….you may be the only one that does.

Always Remember:

– Charlotte Bacon, 2/22/06

– Daniel Barden, 9/25/05

– Rachel Davino, 7/17/83

– Olivia Engel, 7/18/06

– Josephine Gay, 12/11/05

– Ana M. Marquez-Greene, 04/04/06

– Dylan Hockley, 3/8/06

– Dawn Hochsprung, 06/28/65

– Madeleine F. Hsu, 7/10/06

– Catherine V. Hubbard, 6/08/06

– Chase Kowalski, 10/31/05

– Jesse Lewis, 6/30/06

– James Mattioli , 3/22/06

– Grace McDonnell, 12/04/05

– Anne Marie Murphy, 07/25/60

– Emilie Parker, 5/12/06

– Jack Pinto, 5/06/06

– Noah Pozner, 11/20/06

– Caroline Previdi, 9/07/06

– Jessica Rekos, 5/10/06

– Avielle Richman, 10/17/06

– Lauren Rousseau, 6/1982

– Mary Sherlach, 2/11/56

– Victoria Soto, 11/04/85

– Benjamin Wheeler, 9/12/06

– Allison N. Wyatt, 7/03/06

Day 338 Question 338:

Is mental illness real or is it simply a cop out/something for people to blame all of their problems on?

I realize I have talked about this horrible tragedy in Sandy Hook Connecticut for the past 5 days.  I just can’t get over how tragic it is and what could have been going through the minds of those students and even the gunman.  I also realize I will probably never know and even if I do the past cannot be changed.

The article below has caught much flack in the media since it has been published.  What bothers me so much is that this woman expressed herself and maybe not everyone was going to agree with her and maybe some were going to dislike what she said but she needed to say what she did.  It is VERY obvious that this woman meant no harm with her words and she is not a mental health professional….she is a mother that needs help and in the moment expressing her words was what helped (I do it every single day).  I don’t understand why people need to fight battles all of the time….I don’t understand why people can’t just let things be and just let people express themselves without a bunch of backlash.  I am not a mother at all and I cannot imagine how difficult it can be having a child with mental illness such as autism or aspergers.  I don’t say that with disrespect because no matter what a child is a child but it is no secret that having a child with a mental illness is going to produce more challenges and hardships throughout life….this does not mean that the love is any less.

After I read the article below I scanned through some of the comments to find a number of people stating that mental illness is not real and people use it as just an excuse.  Obviously, downs syndrome, autism, aspergers, etc are legitimate mental disorders.  What the people were getting at was that depression, anxiety, fear….all of those…..are not real.  They indicated that these were the weak people in life that just needed something to blame all of their problems on.  I believe that we have a great deal of control over our bodies and our minds and I believe there are techniques that we can use to better ourselves mentally (I am living proof) but I also believe that mental illness is 100% real.  We have evolved into this society of mass chaos and time is flying by at warp speed and sometimes our minds just aren’t able to catch up.  I have suffered two severe panic episodes in my life and I will tell you that never would I wish the same suffering on another person.  My attack did not just last for a few moments or only for a few hours….it lasted weeks….it lasted until I was medicated regularly.  I hated to have to be on medication and with this panic came depression because all I kept thinking was how pathetic I must have been….how weak I must have been.  I never had the urge to take my own life because I was afraid of the unknown so much but I completely understood why others did….I am sorry to say that but it is what I felt.  It is easy for those that have never experienced this sort of mental imbalance to be able to relate.  This started when I was 18 years old and it took me until I was 33 (with much studying and much meditative practice) to find a peaceful place and a way to deal with my emotions when they start to overwhelm me.  I was more of a fighter than I ever knew that I was…I was a fighter because I grew sick of self-loathing and always putting myself as 2^nd or 3^rd best.  I was sick of feeling nervous more than not.

I truly believe that most everyone can help themselves and find the peace that they need….the leaving behind of the mental illness (obviously not everyone) but the path is so unknown.  In moments of despair nothing seems possible….nothing could possibly work….and unfortunately a great deal of society reiterates this every day.  When we are overcome by fear we are called babies.  When we suffer from depression we are called drama queens.  When we suffer from anxiety or panic we are just plain ridiculous and just need to “chill out”.  Well, I know first-hand that there is no truth in any of these statements when your mind is any of these states….when you feel like you are going crazy and you are afraid that you will never feel “normal” again.  Mental illness is completely legitimate and there is a way out but we will never see society shift if people do not start practicing compassion and empathy regularly….if people just tried to understand others and hear them instead of immediately judging them.  Sometimes a person just needs to be heard…..I started this blog for that very reason.  I held onto so many thoughts and emotions and finally I couldn’t take it anymore.  I remember being in my junior year of college sitting in class and having to leave because panic suddenly overwhelmed me.  I walked back to my dorm and the Resident Director came to sit with me and called my parents and then walked me over to mental health services on campus.  She was concerned that I might do something drastic and I just wanted the feeling to go away.  I took medical leave from school for 2 ½ weeks and it was probably one of the scariest things I have ever experienced.  I slept very little…I couldn’t because the feeling of anxiety and nervousness kept me awake and I just couldn’t shake it and I also couldn’t pinpoint what was causing it.  It is terrifying to have an experience like this and have no solid answer as to what brought it on….to this day I still do not know but I would strongly assume that I just let everything build up internally and finally my body and mind could not take it anymore.  It was a wake up call that I needed to slow down and I needed help….and I needed to stop seeing failure in asking for help.  I am one of the lucky ones that got help and had an amazing support system to help me get through it…..some people are not so lucky and the end results can be quite damaging and frightening.

In response to this entry I do not want to hear scientific and mathematical facts…trust me I read about that stuff all of the time.  We are all human beings and human emotion does not always need to be linked to science and math…..I feel this way because it degrades human emotion and it makes it seem as if people’s feelings are invalid and only something to be studied.  The mother of Adam Lanza was shot to death and all I keep hearing and reading about was how irresponsible for having guns in her home with a mentally ill child.  Yes, it probably wasn’t the best idea but NO ONE was in that home to know what their relationship was like.  No one knew their struggles and for all we know she may have been trying any way she could to bond with her son (again, maybe it wasn’t the smartest idea obviously but she could not have known this would ever happen).  Tighter gun laws will not change anything but greater availability of mental health services just might.

I Am Adam Lanza’s Mother

Liza Long

Three days before 20-year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year-old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.

“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.

“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code says black or khaki pants only.”

“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have rights!”

“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I will take you to school.”

I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me.

A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books. His 7- and 9-year-old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael, then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.

That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.

We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a slew of antipsychotic and mood-altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.

At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.

Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30 to 1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18.

The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look, Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”

“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”

His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this car right now and kill myself.”

That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital, no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the opposite lane, turning left instead of right.

“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where are we going?”

“You know where we are going,” I replied.

“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re sending me straight to hell!”

I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waving for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the police,” I said. “Hurry.”

Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than he is, but I won’t be for much longer.

The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—”Were there any difficulties with… at what age did your child… were there any problems with.. has your child ever experienced.. does your child have…”

At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.

For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon as I get out of here.”

By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t believe them anymore.

On the intake form, under the question, “What are your expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”

And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.

I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am Jason Holmes’s mother. I am Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.

According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did). But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.

When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to you unless you’ve got charges.”

I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated population.

With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered, prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County Jail and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment centers in 2011.

No one wants to send a 13-year-old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”

I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way our nation can ever truly heal.

God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.

Day 337 Question 337:

What does prayer mean to you?

When I think of prayer my initial instinct is to picture kneeling at a pew at some church spouting off everything that I want to be different to some man in the sky.  I do not say this with any disrespect because I have changed so much and although I do not believe in organized religion or any religion specifically I do still believe in prayer.  Life it this thing so much bigger than us and I cannot help but wonder what is out there….how we were created….what is it that makes us what we are???  The more I see and the more I experience, the more I understand how and why people have the convictions that they do.  We have seen great tragedy this past year with the lives of many innocent people taken in the blink of an eye.  I have this great respect for the people that HAVE to believe in a higher power…the people that truly believe that when life is taken from a loved one that they enter into something serene and peaceful.  I do not feel a connection to the God that I have heard so much about in day to day society but I do feel a connection that drives me to believe that there is something bigger than us….something that drives us to be better people and do better (at least a lot of us….not all of us).  Prayer to me is not asking for everything we want changed but instead …talking to a power outside of ourselves and admitting our faults and trying as best as we can to always do better.  Prayer is wanting for others before wanting for ourselves.  Right now I pray that the families and friends of the children and adults killed in this senseless attack are able to one day find peace….I pray that their pain does not overwhelm their lives.  I pray that although the time was too short that they always remember and carry on the spirits of their beautiful babies and speak of them in a way that will bring much happiness instead of unbearable grief.  I have felt grief before and I fear feeling it again but I know it is inevitable.  I fear the death of my parents and I am sure at that time I will pray in selfishness for the pain to go away….but I also believe that many others will pray for me which will eventually ease the pain as time goes by.  Prayer, no matter what a person’s beliefs are, is such a powerful thing because it is this simple act that can bring people together…..people that would never come together under any other circumstances.

While walking out of the gym today I felt this surge of energy throughout my body and I knew that my endorphins were kicking into overdrive.  As every day passes I become more aware of life around me and I find myself furthering myself from the superficial and materialistic and finding no interest in what once seemed important.  This is my life and I get to choose each and everything in it.  I don’t know if there is real truth in anything but as time passes I do know and believe that I have to believe what I want to believe….I have to form my own convictions.  I have pushed away God and religion and church and although I have no desire in attending church and I still believe in a strong separation of church in state….I want MY God in my life and I want MY belief in prayer in my life.  I believe that there is something out there that keeps me going somehow some way and it is much bigger than me.  As I grow older what I feel becomes more important than what I think and I am thankful that what I feel drives me to want to do for others…even if it as simple as offering my words when needed.

Day 336 Question 336:

What is a message you would like to pass on to society?

You must go on with your life even through the most tragic and hard-wrenching events.  You may want to just crawl onto the floor and never get up again but unfortunately you can’t because there are too many people out in the world that need you (whether you realize it or not).  These last few days have been kind of cloudy because I can’t get Friday’s events out of my head.  The taking of innocent children’s lives should never be a headline that we have to read but unfortunately it happens every day all over the world.  In other parts of the world children are trained to be soldiers and they are never taught the value of their own lives….they are unaware that childhood should be made up of innocence and wonder.  Today is the day we need to stop sensationalizing murder and violence and senseless acts of terror.  We are growing into a society where almost everyone is experiencing some sort of mental health issue.  We need to turn off our televisions and turn off the computers and turn off the video games and every other piece of technology we can and we need to rebuild relationships….we need to start the learning process all over again.  We need to open our ears to the people that need to be heard….to the people that are suffering on the inside.  We need to not only teach what compassion is but be examples of it.

TURN OFF THE NEWS…….

Morgan Freeman’s brilliant take on what happened yesterday :

“You want to know why. This may sound cynical, but here’s why.

It’s because of the way the media reports it. Flip on the news and watch how we treat the Batman theater shooter and the Oregon mall shooter like celebrities. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris are household names, but do you know the name of a single *victim* of Columbine? Disturbed

people who would otherwise just off themselves in their basements see the news and want to top it by doing something worse, and going out in a memorable way. Why a grade school? Why children? Because he’ll be remembered as a horrible monster, instead of a sad nobody.

CNN’s article says that if the body count “holds up”, this will rank as the second deadliest shooting behind Virginia Tech, as if statistics somehow make one shooting worse than another. Then they post a video interview of third-graders for all the details of what they saw and heard while the shootings were happening. Fox News has plastered the killer’s face on all their reports for hours. Any articles or news stories yet that focus on the victims and ignore the killer’s identity? None that I’ve seen yet. Because they don’t sell. So congratulations, sensationalist media, you’ve just lit the fire for someone to top this and knock off a day care center or a maternity ward next.

You can help by forgetting you ever read this man’s name, and remembering the name of at least one victim. You can help by donating to mental health research instead of pointing to gun control as the problem. You can help by turning off the news.”

Day 335 Question 335:

What is something you find unfair?

I would rather die from someone hating my way of thinking….my belief that we need to love one another than to ever inflict violence on another human being.  I refuse to ever live through anger….to ever act violently out of anger. All day yesterday I felt completely empty.  My grandmother died on Christmas morning almost 20 years ago and since then I have disliked Christmas….I have never felt the spirit of it until this year.  I felt excited this year to be spending it with my parents in my home and to spend time with my dear friends.  That excitement has been lost because the lives of 20 innocent and beautiful young children have been taken.  I struggle right now to be able to look forward to something that I have had so many years to celebrate when these small, innocent children deserve to experience the magic of this holiday and they will no longer have that chance.  I cannot imagine being a parent of one of these murdered children and having to look at the presents that were already bought knowing that their child will never get to enjoy them….never again being able to see the excitement in their little innocent eyes.  I may not be a parent but I know undoubtedly that it is the hardest job there is.  Some of these children had siblings and their parents know that they have to keep it together as best they can for the living children.  I cannot imagine how difficult and both physically and mentally destroying that could be.  I hurt for these people because it is simply not fair.  I stood in front of the television watching scenes of terror flash across the screen and a tear fell from my eye and all I kept thinking is how I would want to protect those children as best I could even though they weren’t mine.  I would protect a child I had never even met in order to give that child many more years of life and many more years of much deserves experiences and adventures.  I am a nanny for twin girls that are almost 2 years old.  These little girls have amazing parents and I never get tied up in wishing they were mine and I always explain the difference between who I am and who their mommy is.  Their mother should always be their hero….I only hope that I might fall in the top five of people that have made an impact on their lives.  These children have changed my life and even though there is no blood line between us I know I would completely break if anything were to happen to either of them.  I would throw myself in front of a train if that meant they were able to live….I would do anything I could to take away their pain.  Childhood is the only time when a human being can truly be innocent and that innocence is the most beautiful thing in the world.  There is nothing more powerful than watching a human being grow and see the wonder in their eyes and have no knowledge or understanding of the mass chaos that is the world that they live in.  To a child the world is there playground and NO CHILD should be stripped of this beautiful innocence EVER!!!

Tomorrow is guaranteed to no one!  This past year I have thought so much about my parents knowing that their time here will only last for so long (not to be morbid).  I feel like a part of me will die when the day comes that I have to say goodbye.  I truly do not know how I will function or if I will be able to function.  A part of me fears completely breaking down and not being able to ever get back up again.  My mother is the person that has always given me hope.  She is the person that I go to when I need a shoulder to cry on or simply just feel like talking.  It has become a habit to call my mom just to say hey….even if I have nothing to talk about.  I know the pain will be horrendous but I also know that I will have had a good 35+ years to be with her….to love her with everything that I have.  These children that had their lives stolen no longer have that.  These children have been cheated and I ache for them and I ache thinking about the pain that their parents must be feeling at this very moment.  These children did not die in an accident or because of medical reasons….these children died in an act of violence that had absolutely nothing to do with them.  I cannot imagine holding onto that thought for the rest of my life.

A friend of mine posted a tweet she found and I found it so fitting: I’m not worried that the “world is supposed to end in a few days”. I am worried that it’s going to continue the way it is.

We, as human beings, need to regroup and remember that there is nothing more valuable than human life.  We need to stop being a society that is reactive and start being proactive.  We need to stop being victims and feel sorry for ourselves and start being leaders and prove that nothing is going to break us.  We need to rebuild humankind and be the country that we are meant to be.  I really do not want to look back in 20 years and see us on the same path….that would be what I would find most unfair because that would prove that we all just gave up….I refuse to give up and if I must I will be an army of 1.  I will always stand up for what I believe in even if it means standing alone!

Day 334 Question 334:

Why do some people succumb to violence at random?

It has become commonplace to open up my laptop and see a headline about a random shooting somewhere in the country (and horrific violence outside of the country is not uncommon in the slightest).  Just this week a young man at the ripe age of 22 walked into a shopping mall and starting shooting at random killing 2 people before taking his own life.  Why does this happen?  How do people take the lives of innocent strangers?  What is making them tick so badly that they believe that violence is the only answer?  I have to stop for a moment because I JUST opened up a new browser to check my email and the main headline on yahoo news is: Shooting at Newtown, Conn. Elementary School, Gunman Is Dead.  I am unable to wrap mu brain around the violence that keeps increasing day by day minute by minute.

My heart is truly breaking.  I had to stop writing to read that 27 people have been declared dead at a Connecticut Elementary school and thus far the count shows that 18 of them are children.  The shooter (they have now brought a 2^nd suspect into custody) was a 20 year old “man” that was the father of a student at the school.  This man has not only taken the lives of 27 innocent people….he has destroyed the lives of all of their families and friends and every single person that was in the school when this horrific event occurred.  Every single one of those young children will NEVER forget this day throughout their entire lives and that is just not fair!!  No child should EVER have to experience this kind of a violent and terrifying experience.  I do not have children of my own and my heart just aches….I cannot imagine what all of these people are feeling. I try so hard every day to believe in the goodness of all people but I cannot wrap my brain around this kind of violence and anger. I cannot wrap my brain around people taking the lives of the innocent….INNOCENT CHILDREN THAT HAVE EVERYTHING TO LIVE FOR!!!!  Why, as a country, that speaks so much of unity and freedom can we not come together and come up with a solution?  These disgusting acts keep occurring and all I keep thinking is that it is a very twisted way to get attention.  The more the media publicizes these acts of violence the more they occur and the more tragic they are each and every time.

I am sorry but right now I am angry.  Our country is manufacturing this kind of violence and no one is taking blame…everyone is just placing blame and moving on.  I just watched an interview with a guy that was shot during the Virginia Tech mass shooting and he said that the problem is that people feel deep sorrow and throw out their condolences and that is the end of the story.  There is no follow-up…..there is a conversation and education that is LONG OVERDUE!!!!  Our decision makers are so focused on bringing back the economy that they are forgetting about protecting the citizens….protecting innocent children!!!!!  I just don’t know what to say because I just can’t wrap my brain around it.  I cannot say it enough that violence will never be a solution….this country is being destroyed daily!!!  We have manufactured violence.  We have manufactured an entitlement mentality.  We have manufactured a society filled with people that have no concept of compassion or empathy.  Our lawmakers our supposed to be the biggest role models in this country but they are the worst culprits of all of these behaviors.  We hear anti-bullying campaigns all of the time and then turn on the news to see two political leaders bullying each other all over the place.  THIS NEEDS TO STOP!!!!!

I just can’t go on with this entry anymore because of the empty feeling inside of my chest.  I do not want to stop believing in goodness but I admit to being afraid of where this country (and world are headed).  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hug the ones you love today.  If you feel sad, depressed, stressed, angry….please talk to someone….please never use violence as the answer.  You may be remembered but it will never be in a good way…..do not be the person that everyone around the world will hate!  As people we need to start communication more with each other….we need to ask more questions and stop living like robots!  Life is not meant to be this selfish….we need to talk with each other and share our struggles as well as our dreams….we all need to be seen.  I know so many people are going to react in anger and will hold so much deep hatred for this shooter (trust me I am very angry at him too) but remember we have no what type of mentality that “man” had….we have no idea of what his life was like…..we have no idea what he was thinking.  Parents need to talk to their children EVERYDAY and teach them to react with empathy and compassion.  Schools need to dedicate time to communication with students….let their voices be heard.  Adults need to learn what it really means to be role models….especially those adults that are constantly in the public eye.  Our media needs to STOP being so greedy and stop working for evil (for the money) and start working for good….they have this powerful tool that could make a huge impact for good but is instead used creating so much evil!  “AN EYE FOR AN EYE MAKES THE WHOLE WORLD BLIND!” ~Ghandi.  WE MUST END THE VIOLENCE!!!

Day 333 Question 333:

What are your thoughts on sexual experimentation within a relationship or marriage/adding a third person into a relationship?

A fellow blogger sent me a very kind email the other night telling me that she really enjoyed my writings and she felt that I was wide beyond my years.  This was one of the best compliments I have ever received (and trust me if she would have known me just 2 years ago I highly doubt she would say the same thing…haha).  She threw out this subject because she was curious of my thoughts.  I have to admit I first wondered if her significant other maybe propositioned her with the idea.  I, of course, was not going to be completely nosey because her sex life is not my business.

This is an interesting subject to me.  Sexuality has turned into something completely different than it was maybe 50 years ago (well maybe it was going on then but it surely was not publicized the way that it is now).  We can’t even turn on our tv’s (even in the middle of the day) without seeing two people jumping in the sack together.  First, before I get to the experimentation part, many of you know that I really have no plans to ever get married because for my life it does not seem like the right fit or something very natural…so obviously waiting until marriage was not and is not an option for me.  I do not follow the words on the bible either so I don’t think that marriage is the end all be all of when two people should have sex.  I do not think it is a smart decision to sleep around and have multiple partners (and I admit to having more than I wish I did but that is one of those things you live and unfortunately learn….I equated sex with love for far too long….if he wants to have sex with me then he must be interested….unfortunately I was a complete blockhead about this for far too long).  I will be honest and say that I have not had sex in almost 14 months and the last guy that I did sleep with (we were dating) left a lot to be desired in the bedroom (TMI???  Too bad 😉  Since then every part of me felt different about sex.  He never made me feel desirable and never made me feel like I was good enough.  He was not a bad guy or anything but everything was so mechanical and never came with ease.  I believe that if you are looking for good sex…I mean mind blowing sex….there needs to be a connection between two people.  I believe that in order to have great sex, each participant needs to make the other feel completely comfortable…I have not felt this with someone in a very long time.

Ok, so I kind of went off the beaten path but I guess my reason for that diversion was to explain my feelings when it comes to sex and intimacy.  The two subjects are very different….everyone can have a sexual experience but not everyone can or has experienced intimacy.  I believe that if two people are in a committed relationship they have chosen to be in it because of the intimacy they have found between one another (and intimacy does not always have to be sexual).  I am a very liberal thinker in a lot of ways but I believe that if you are TRULY in love….throwing a third party into the mix will eventually lead to disaster.  Sexual experimentation can be a wonderful thing whether it entails getting naughty in a public place or experimenting with S&M but this experimentation should only involve the two people in a relationship.  Now, if people that aren’t in relationships that believe in “free love” then more power to them in bringing as many people into the party as they want (hopefully they are smart and will use protection).  But in a committed relationship, I just can’t be swayed to believe it will ever be a good idea.  I ask you to remember that I only speak from my perspective and what my gut tells me (I am not saying I am right or wrong).  I am going to loosely speak for the female population (and I realize this does not apply to all).  Females are sensitive creatures and whether we want to admit it we strive to be desirable and wanted.  We want one man (or woman depending on sexual preference) to find us irresistible and hopefully the feeling will be mutual.  I reiterate though, females are sensitive and emotional….we are hormonal and we think and act differently than men do.  I truly believe that hardly any women out there would be ok with their significant other wanting to bring a third party into the bedroom…..for me it would feel like a stab in the heart because I would feel as if I was not enough…..and in my opinion that can turn into a very depressing downward spiral.  Personally, I doubt myself far too much already, why would I voluntarily open the door for even more doubt.

A few years back I knew a married couple that were not your “typical” married couple.  They were artsy and they didn’t do all of the typical lovey dovey stuff that a lot of married couples do.  They were in love though….well at least I thought so.  After about a year of being married the husband propositioned to the wife trying out having an open marriage.  She agreed.  I can tell you right now that she agreed because she had low self-esteem and she did not want to lose her husband so if keeping him meant having an open marriage then that is what she was going to do.  I don’t know what their rules were in having this open marriage but I do know that on one or two occasions they brought a third party (female) into the bedroom and immediately after the relationship headed south.  The wife whom was already insecure started to wonder if her husband enjoyed the feel of the other woman more and she wondered if he was having relations outside of the home that she was unaware of.  She tip-toed around the subject and when she did bring it up, he threw it in her face that she agreed to it.  Within 6 months they were divorced.  As an outsider, all I kept thinking was why he suddenly wanted an open marriage after dating for so long and being married a year???  I wondered if the subject had ever risen prior to their marriage???  I wondered how she could possibly agree (because for myself, he would be served with divorce papers that day).  I couldn’t wrap my brain around it.

In relationships every couple is different.  Sometimes sexuality can bring two people together and sometimes this sexuality can be a lot more open than most people are used to.  If two people want to have an open relationship or an open marriage that is their decision but I believe it is something that must occur at the very beginning….the two people must be unbelievable sexually and emotionally confident and comfortable (and even at that people are constantly changing).  If one party introduces the idea a ways down the road into the relationship….my gut tells me that the best option is to run…..this is a sign for disaster.

Day 332 Question 332:

What would be your happy ending?

I know I don’t always invest time in people that I should.  I know I haven’t always been the best friend or daughter or sister or any other kind of label I could be.  What I do know is that in my 34 years of life I have become an artist.  I am a creator and this unexplainable passion drives throughout my veins every single day.  I have made big mistakes and I try so hard not to live with regret because regret serves no purpose….we cannot get the past back.  I have learned that all we have is now.  I am a writer.  I live through my words that are typed on a screen by the buttons pushed by the tips of my fingers.  I am more than words though….I am the meaning behind those words.  Never in my life have I been able to be as honest and more vulnerable and more real than I have in the written word.  It is kind of scary because it makes me feel like I am hiding…it makes me feel like I am not being honest to the people around me.  I always thought this was my character flaw but I no longer think that way.  This past year (for so many reasons) has shook me to my core and I not only know but I feel that I have to stop finding reasons to be angry at myself….and to stop belittling myself.  I am a person with a heart so full that some days it feels so full that it just might explode.  I am unable to express myself in vocal words the same way I am in the written word and I think that is why I wish that more people read the things that I wrote….especially those that I love.  My words (at least I think) show the person I was and the person I am….and the person who sometimes feels completely empty inside but can also feel euphoric in other moments just by simply enjoying the beauty of the little things.  It is not easy to live every single day with a mind like this….to have thoughts that can sometimes feel so overwhelming that your entire body feels like it is in complete shock.  As I am always saying, life is this great balancing act.

I hope my ending is a happy one.  It took me a long time to learn and accept that happiness is not a destination but instead it is the journey itself.  When I look back at my life in (hopefully) 40+ years I hope the happy ending includes the building of unbelievable friendships….of friendships from all over the world.  I hope my happy ending includes as much knowledge as I could possibly take in in this lifetime.  I hope that my knowledge comes mostly from experiences and conversations with perfect strangers.  Throughout this life thus far I have spent a lot of my time living for others (whether they knew it or not)….I have ached to be liked and accepted.  I am slowly trying to stop focusing on making others happy and doing what I think they would want me to do and focusing on what my heart is telling me….with the realization that I may lose a lot of people in the process.  My happy ending will come when I am able to completely accept myself for all that I am and for life the way that it is….even when I feel completely shattered and misunderstood.  Acceptance has to be one of the hardest things for us as individuals once we truly focus on it.  We all have these internal struggles whether we want to admit it at all and accepting those struggles and the things we may not like about ourselves is probably the hardest task we will ever have to face.  I want to grow old without becoming bitter….my life is my choice and if I want a happy ending it is me and me only that can make that happen.  Life is a series of one choice after another.  What I love is the feeling of inspiration….that exciting feeling when you fall from a high height and you stomach drops.  My happy ending will be endless inspirational moments from one day to the next.  I am different and I am “weird” and that is what I love about me.  I read inspirational quotes and images several times a day.  I remind myself that being unhappy or depressed is only my ego getting the best of me. Some people find my constant seeking of positivity to be nauseating but I would rather my life be lived in moments that strive to rid myself of negativity than a life lead by it…..I strongly believe that we are what we believe we are….if we constantly bitch about feeling sick or sad or depressed then we will be those things.  I gave that life up and focused on the inspirational and the heart-warming and the fulfilling and in truth I have found that I have many more better days than not.

My happy ending is a life filled with love and curiosity and discovery.  There is always comfort we can find from others but there is no comfort that is as great as the acceptance and love of self.

Day 330 Question 330:

How do you beat the holiday/winter blues?

For so many people it seems like there is this huge shift in mood when the winter season/holidays seem to come around.  I admit that I tend to fall into the winter blues sometimes (it doesn’t last long though).  I can’t quite explain what I feel this time of year.  It almost feels like a kind of discomfort through my body because the weather is constantly changing and it seems as if this gray color is constantly sitting in the air.  With weather change comes mood change.  It always amazes me the power that the sun can have over our moods.  So, the question at hand is how do I conquer these winter/holiday blues???  Well, for me, I just need to incessantly remind myself of how lucky I am.  The world is so much bigger than me and I just can’t allow my somber mood affect those around me….whether they be friends, family or even strangers.  I think it is important to push myself to see all of the good and to give back whatever and whenever I can during this time of year because it is the giving back that fulfills me and gives my life meaning and purpose.

I don’t have a big family.  My life is not made up of big holiday parties with lots of cousins and aunts and uncles.  For holidays it is usually just me, my mom and dad.  I have this longing for a big family and have for quite some time now and I think that plays a big part in the holiday blues that I experience.  I watch movies and talk to friends and see them having these big family gatherings and I don’t have that.  With this being said, I cannot take for granted what I do have.  I have 2 amazing parents that I would not trade for anything and they are getting older (72 and 74).  I pull myself out of the winter blues by doing whatever I can to make them happy.  I will have plenty of holidays without them eventually so now is not the time to fall into a slump of depression or general holiday sadness.  This is what I mean by the world is much bigger than me…it is not about me.  My parents gave me the gift of life and after being selfish for so many years I have learned that it is my turn to give back.  I beat the holiday/winter blues by reminding myself of all of the good instead of focusing on all of the bad.