Day 332 Question 332:
What would be your happy ending?
I know I don’t always invest time in people that I should. I know I haven’t always been the best friend or daughter or sister or any other kind of label I could be. What I do know is that in my 34 years of life I have become an artist. I am a creator and this unexplainable passion drives throughout my veins every single day. I have made big mistakes and I try so hard not to live with regret because regret serves no purpose….we cannot get the past back. I have learned that all we have is now. I am a writer. I live through my words that are typed on a screen by the buttons pushed by the tips of my fingers. I am more than words though….I am the meaning behind those words. Never in my life have I been able to be as honest and more vulnerable and more real than I have in the written word. It is kind of scary because it makes me feel like I am hiding…it makes me feel like I am not being honest to the people around me. I always thought this was my character flaw but I no longer think that way. This past year (for so many reasons) has shook me to my core and I not only know but I feel that I have to stop finding reasons to be angry at myself….and to stop belittling myself. I am a person with a heart so full that some days it feels so full that it just might explode. I am unable to express myself in vocal words the same way I am in the written word and I think that is why I wish that more people read the things that I wrote….especially those that I love. My words (at least I think) show the person I was and the person I am….and the person who sometimes feels completely empty inside but can also feel euphoric in other moments just by simply enjoying the beauty of the little things. It is not easy to live every single day with a mind like this….to have thoughts that can sometimes feel so overwhelming that your entire body feels like it is in complete shock. As I am always saying, life is this great balancing act.
I hope my ending is a happy one. It took me a long time to learn and accept that happiness is not a destination but instead it is the journey itself. When I look back at my life in (hopefully) 40+ years I hope the happy ending includes the building of unbelievable friendships….of friendships from all over the world. I hope my happy ending includes as much knowledge as I could possibly take in in this lifetime. I hope that my knowledge comes mostly from experiences and conversations with perfect strangers. Throughout this life thus far I have spent a lot of my time living for others (whether they knew it or not)….I have ached to be liked and accepted. I am slowly trying to stop focusing on making others happy and doing what I think they would want me to do and focusing on what my heart is telling me….with the realization that I may lose a lot of people in the process. My happy ending will come when I am able to completely accept myself for all that I am and for life the way that it is….even when I feel completely shattered and misunderstood. Acceptance has to be one of the hardest things for us as individuals once we truly focus on it. We all have these internal struggles whether we want to admit it at all and accepting those struggles and the things we may not like about ourselves is probably the hardest task we will ever have to face. I want to grow old without becoming bitter….my life is my choice and if I want a happy ending it is me and me only that can make that happen. Life is a series of one choice after another. What I love is the feeling of inspiration….that exciting feeling when you fall from a high height and you stomach drops. My happy ending will be endless inspirational moments from one day to the next. I am different and I am “weird” and that is what I love about me. I read inspirational quotes and images several times a day. I remind myself that being unhappy or depressed is only my ego getting the best of me. Some people find my constant seeking of positivity to be nauseating but I would rather my life be lived in moments that strive to rid myself of negativity than a life lead by it…..I strongly believe that we are what we believe we are….if we constantly bitch about feeling sick or sad or depressed then we will be those things. I gave that life up and focused on the inspirational and the heart-warming and the fulfilling and in truth I have found that I have many more better days than not.
My happy ending is a life filled with love and curiosity and discovery. There is always comfort we can find from others but there is no comfort that is as great as the acceptance and love of self.