Day 333 Question 333:
What are your thoughts on sexual experimentation within a relationship or marriage/adding a third person into a relationship?
A fellow blogger sent me a very kind email the other night telling me that she really enjoyed my writings and she felt that I was wide beyond my years. This was one of the best compliments I have ever received (and trust me if she would have known me just 2 years ago I highly doubt she would say the same thing…haha). She threw out this subject because she was curious of my thoughts. I have to admit I first wondered if her significant other maybe propositioned her with the idea. I, of course, was not going to be completely nosey because her sex life is not my business.
This is an interesting subject to me. Sexuality has turned into something completely different than it was maybe 50 years ago (well maybe it was going on then but it surely was not publicized the way that it is now). We can’t even turn on our tv’s (even in the middle of the day) without seeing two people jumping in the sack together. First, before I get to the experimentation part, many of you know that I really have no plans to ever get married because for my life it does not seem like the right fit or something very natural…so obviously waiting until marriage was not and is not an option for me. I do not follow the words on the bible either so I don’t think that marriage is the end all be all of when two people should have sex. I do not think it is a smart decision to sleep around and have multiple partners (and I admit to having more than I wish I did but that is one of those things you live and unfortunately learn….I equated sex with love for far too long….if he wants to have sex with me then he must be interested….unfortunately I was a complete blockhead about this for far too long). I will be honest and say that I have not had sex in almost 14 months and the last guy that I did sleep with (we were dating) left a lot to be desired in the bedroom (TMI??? Too bad 😉 Since then every part of me felt different about sex. He never made me feel desirable and never made me feel like I was good enough. He was not a bad guy or anything but everything was so mechanical and never came with ease. I believe that if you are looking for good sex…I mean mind blowing sex….there needs to be a connection between two people. I believe that in order to have great sex, each participant needs to make the other feel completely comfortable…I have not felt this with someone in a very long time.
Ok, so I kind of went off the beaten path but I guess my reason for that diversion was to explain my feelings when it comes to sex and intimacy. The two subjects are very different….everyone can have a sexual experience but not everyone can or has experienced intimacy. I believe that if two people are in a committed relationship they have chosen to be in it because of the intimacy they have found between one another (and intimacy does not always have to be sexual). I am a very liberal thinker in a lot of ways but I believe that if you are TRULY in love….throwing a third party into the mix will eventually lead to disaster. Sexual experimentation can be a wonderful thing whether it entails getting naughty in a public place or experimenting with S&M but this experimentation should only involve the two people in a relationship. Now, if people that aren’t in relationships that believe in “free love” then more power to them in bringing as many people into the party as they want (hopefully they are smart and will use protection). But in a committed relationship, I just can’t be swayed to believe it will ever be a good idea. I ask you to remember that I only speak from my perspective and what my gut tells me (I am not saying I am right or wrong). I am going to loosely speak for the female population (and I realize this does not apply to all). Females are sensitive creatures and whether we want to admit it we strive to be desirable and wanted. We want one man (or woman depending on sexual preference) to find us irresistible and hopefully the feeling will be mutual. I reiterate though, females are sensitive and emotional….we are hormonal and we think and act differently than men do. I truly believe that hardly any women out there would be ok with their significant other wanting to bring a third party into the bedroom…..for me it would feel like a stab in the heart because I would feel as if I was not enough…..and in my opinion that can turn into a very depressing downward spiral. Personally, I doubt myself far too much already, why would I voluntarily open the door for even more doubt.
A few years back I knew a married couple that were not your “typical” married couple. They were artsy and they didn’t do all of the typical lovey dovey stuff that a lot of married couples do. They were in love though….well at least I thought so. After about a year of being married the husband propositioned to the wife trying out having an open marriage. She agreed. I can tell you right now that she agreed because she had low self-esteem and she did not want to lose her husband so if keeping him meant having an open marriage then that is what she was going to do. I don’t know what their rules were in having this open marriage but I do know that on one or two occasions they brought a third party (female) into the bedroom and immediately after the relationship headed south. The wife whom was already insecure started to wonder if her husband enjoyed the feel of the other woman more and she wondered if he was having relations outside of the home that she was unaware of. She tip-toed around the subject and when she did bring it up, he threw it in her face that she agreed to it. Within 6 months they were divorced. As an outsider, all I kept thinking was why he suddenly wanted an open marriage after dating for so long and being married a year??? I wondered if the subject had ever risen prior to their marriage??? I wondered how she could possibly agree (because for myself, he would be served with divorce papers that day). I couldn’t wrap my brain around it.
In relationships every couple is different. Sometimes sexuality can bring two people together and sometimes this sexuality can be a lot more open than most people are used to. If two people want to have an open relationship or an open marriage that is their decision but I believe it is something that must occur at the very beginning….the two people must be unbelievable sexually and emotionally confident and comfortable (and even at that people are constantly changing). If one party introduces the idea a ways down the road into the relationship….my gut tells me that the best option is to run…..this is a sign for disaster.
It's a New Day... 
What are your thoughts on sexual experimentation within a relationship or marriage/adding a third person into a relationship?
I think that given the diversity of people’s needs and desires from within a relationship, I have absolutely no authority to offer anything than my perspective on what would be right for me.
I think I could be happy with one husband or hell, maybe even two. After all, love is not a finite resource. I’ve never been one to want a ton of different partners though. I can understand how that might be appealing for some but it’s just not my cup of tea. I need to have feelings for someone to be intimate with them.
I for one wholeheartedly agree with you. It’s not just about sexuality either. As a couple I think of us as a unit. It would be like cuddling up on the couch with a third party, or sharing a romantic meal with someone else. I know it might work for some people, but I think that if you want a threesome you should try it before you enter a serious relationship….
I think like a woman. I agree with your views on this subject. My insecurity is bad enough without having a third party to deal with on a regular basis or even once. If my partner is having extra relations, I don’t want to know. But I trust him enough that I would hear him out before just ending it. It is a tricky situation. In our community it is more acceptable, but it is not for me either. Perhaps if it was agreed to up front as you say. Otherwise, keep it as a fantasy and leave me out of it.
For me, it is all about communication. If there’s no communication, it doesn’t matter how many partners there are, the relationship is doomed to fail. I have a friend “with benefits” that is married. His wife is very nice and her boyfriend gets along with my friend. I am also dating another close friend. He is dating two other people. I have only met one of the pair, but I have no problems meeting the second person. But I check in with both of them often to make sure they are comfortable with where things are. Additionally, the married friend is *well* aware I will not be marrying him if he were to leave his wife.
We have discussed all aspects of our relationships in detail. I am of the opinion that any relationship is hard to keep over the long term. Communication is key and is (to me) what destroys almost every relationship. If you communicate with your partner honestly and transparently, then the issues you talked about with your friend wouldn’t have happened. If she was confident in herself *and* the relationship (more important to me), then she would have been able to tell her partner, “No.”
I also feel that people currently in a relationship that have extremely divergent sexual desires come from a place of miscommunication/lack of communication. You should have some sort of idea of your partner’s desires before entering into a marriage or partnership. I am not saying you have to have sex, but talk about it, yes. Otherwise when you do start talking about it, it can/will frighten/anger/hurt your partner.
But those are just my thoughts on the subject. This works for me, but it might not for others.
In any relationship, though, communication is what makes or breaks it.
I think you’re right. I really can’t get into other people’s minds, but when I’ve had amazing intimacy I’ve never had any desire to add another person to the mix. That seems destructive.
I hate to be the typo police but… “she felt that I was wide beyond my years.” :)))))
Haha thanks I will fix it 🙂
Your photo is very impressive. It illustrates the content very well and in some sense more successful to give a shock than with human nudes.
I know my girlfriend had a 3some while they lived in the Grand Strand area and it destroyed their marriage. The 3rd party was a male friend of theirs and the wife worked with him, then would go out after work with him to the bar and then talk to him on the phone in front of her husband until 3am in the morning. People in town thought they were having an affair, she denies it but it sure seemed like she was starting to have an emotional affair with him. Her husband became distraught. Such a sad situation, they were a beautiful couple.