It's a New Day…

Day 21 Question 21:

If you found out you had only one week to live, what would you do in that last week?

I went into the kitchen today and asked my roommate to come up with a question for me to answer in my blog.  He came up with this one.  At first I thought it was kind of cliché and generic and then I realized this was not an easy question to answer at all.  What immediately flew through my head was that I would knock off a bank so I could fly my nearest and dearest friends to me or vice versa but let’s face it, how successful do you think I could be at knocking off a bank?  I can’t tell a little white lie without smirking like a fool.  So, robbing a bank was crossed off the list.  I didn’t want to make the scenario unrealistic either by adding something like having an endless supply of money available.  I wanted to answer this as if starting tomorrow I had only one more week to live.  I could do whatever I wanted based on how my life is at this current moment.  The cause of death is not a factor to answer this question.  Let’s just say I will be in the same health all week as I am today.

Ok so I that gives me 7 days to wrap up everything.  It is easy to say I would want to spend as much time as possible with my closest friends and family…that is obvious.  This would be 7 days of very little sleep because there is a lot I would want to do an accomplish.  I do have some money saved and I would fly my sister, brother in law and nephews to the beach to be with me during this time.  Nothing personal to my sister but I do not want to spend my last days in the middle of the woods in the bitter cold (love you sis).  Wow this question is really hard.  Would I want to plan out my days or just let whatever happen happen?  I mean I am a planner so I am sure that is what I would do.  I am sure others would want to plan stuff too.  I know during this week I would want to be surrounded by as many songs that I have loved throughout my life.  I want to surround myself with everything that has held significance.  I would want to revisit photo albums of childhood and ask my parents to share with me as many memories as they possibly can.  I would want to write letters to everyone I care about and tell them how much I care about them and how wonderful it has been to have them in my life.  I would want to put my writings together and send them to publishing companies-or I would put them in the hands of someone very close to me and ask that my story be told and do whatever they can to get my work published.  I would write every single day, probably for several hours.  If possible, I would fly up to NY even if it is for only a couple of hours and visit the house that I grew up in.  I would ask the people that live there now if I could have a few moments to just look around.  I would soak up all of the memories and re-live my childhood.  I would visit many different places and meet absolute strangers and ask them to tell me their stories.  These last 7 days wouldn’t be about me.  These last days would be about everyone I love and everyone I have or could help in some way or another.  I would have no desire to be the center of attention (even though it would be inevitable considering everyone knows I will be gone in a week).  I would want to do everything I could to make a mark on the world in hopes that I could be a part of making things better even if it is only in a small way.  When I first saw the movie Pay It Forward I was amazed at how genius the concept was.  I would want to Pay It Forward to as many people as I could in that week to hopefully start a Pay It Forward revolution.  Yes that may sound so cheesy and cliché but if you think about what the potential results could be if everyone paid it forward to as little as just 2-3 people, life could be something completely different.  People would start understanding what true compassion and empathy really is.  No I am not trying to come off like I am some sort of Saint.  I am sure I would do some superficial things, like eat an assload of super fatty donuts or ride the Sky Wheel a bunch of times.  I would make sure to add a lot of fun into the mix too.  I just know that I want to make an impact.  I know what is inside of me and I know what I am capable of.  I would want to leave this Earth knowing I did everything I could to make as many people as I possibly could happy.  I would donate everything of mine.  I would ask those that I love to hold onto whatever pieces of me that they wanted.

I find it impossible to map out a plan of what I will do hour by hour minute by minute of my last week alive.  I know that those plans would get completely squashed anyway.  How many times have you gone to work with a complete game plan for the day and within the first 5 minutes of being there that whole game plan gets blown to bits.  Well, realistically, there would be a good chance that the same thing would happen in this situation.  It would be important for me to record a video-who knows how long it would end up being because let’s face it I can get pretty wordy.  I would want my last days documented.  I would want to watch this documentation on the last day.  I would want to pile all of my friends and family in a big room and watch it together.  I would leave a message for everyone.  I would tell them everything that I love about them.  I would tell them everything I could about me and how all I ever do truly want is for those around me to experience the most happiness and bliss they possibly can throughout their lives.  I would even make amends where I felt they were necessary.  A lot of people would tell me to focus only on the positive but I do think it is important to take ownership and in my life I have made several mistakes.  I have hurt people that did not deserve it and I would at least want to say I am sorry.  I would not want to die at this age for real but if it were to happen I do believe I have had a good life.  I haven’t experienced everything I have wanted to but I have experienced love and happiness in so many forms and I think that is the most important.  I have amazing people in my life that have taught me so much and I have grown into this person that I could not be more proud of.  If this was my last week I would want to thank everyone for making me who I am and teaching me all about life.

I do realize that there would be a lot of sadness and tears in the last week knowing these would be the last moments spent with those I love but I would also want to make sure that week was filled with laughter.  I would want to go to the comedy club since I have never done that and zip-line at Broadway at the Beach or go in those bubbles on the water that you try to walk around in.  I would want to do things I haven’t done but I wouldn’t care about novelty so much as who I am with.  A lot of people would want to jump on a plane and go somewhere exotic or go on insane shopping sprees but stuff like that has never really mattered to me.  What would be most important during those days would be letting people know how much I love them and how important they have been in my life.

In writing this I started to wonder how other people would respond.  I have never been married and I do not have children.  My life circumstances are very different from many people my age.  I would really love to hear how other people would respond that do have very different lives than mine.  Where would you go?  What would you do?  Who would you spend your last days with?  With this entry I would really like to hear a lot of other people’s choices?  Tell me, what would you do?  Where would you go?  Who would you spend the time with?

Day 20 Question 20:

What do women want?

Oh it is the age old question that all men want to know.  You better get cozy if you are reading this because I am about to blow your mind with my wisdom ;0)  Obviously, I only speak from my opinions and experiences.  I have to reiterate that in every blog so people don’t fly off the handle.  I do believe I have a pretty good grasp on things and I do think with some of the things I might share in this blog that a lot of women will say things like, “Oh I’m not like that” or “No way” but I think if they truly evaluate themselves and are completely honest they will find a lot of what I am saying to be truth.

As all of my blogs are, this one will probably be all over the place.  That is what keeps them interesting right?  I would like to say there is only one answer to this question but let’s face it, when it comes to women is there ever only one answer?  Women want an assortment of things.  Although people always state that men and women are so different I don’t think a lot of people truly understand that.  Men are more simplistic creatures (again general statement-so if you were ready to debate just get your panties our of a wad boys and take a breath) and they tend to accept things easily.  Women think with their emotions…yes I said it women and you know it’s the truth (so you can take a deep breath too).  We tend to evaluate a lot of situations and make them complex.  I am not stating that this is a bad thing.  It is just a fact.  So, when you think about it, it can be somewhat difficult for a man’s world and a woman’s world to collide.  I can only speak from the woman’s perspective because that is all I know.  I may make observations about a male’s perspective but there is no set fact because I do not have first-hand knowledge or experience.

When it comes to dating/men/relationships, women want a variety of things.  What every woman truly wants is to feel wanted.  No, not in a needy sense but in a sense in which a man shows her his attention and it is obvious he wants to be doing so.  A woman wants respect.  I don’t understand why relationships have become so complicated these days.  It really should be easy but unfortunately communication is being lost and honesty is becoming a thing of the past.  I am not saying that what a woman wants is more important than what a man minds.  I am just lending my insights.  I guess the easiest way is to speak directly for myself (because I think a lot of women would completely relate and would have the same thoughts).

When it comes to women, as much as we hate to admit it, a lot of us are die-hard romantics.  We do want the fairytale.  We do want to the prince to come on his white horse and rescue us.  We do, however, realize that these are called fairytales for a reason.  I have spent years reading about What Men Want and reading the Do’s and Don’ts of Dating.  The one book that just sends me over the edge is He’s Just Not That Into You.  Seriously, it is a book dedicated to all of the things women are doing wrong.  It basically implied that men are in control.  Yea, maybe I am just a huge feminist but that just doesn’t work for me.  Give me a fucking break (excuse the swear but I felt it was necessary).  We are living in a time where texting has taken over the world and people are meeting online left and right.  We have been overtaken by reality TV and have all of these images and portrayals of how we are supposed to be whether it be trends, looks-wise, how we are supposed to act on dates, what to say or not say-the list goes on and on.  One book says a man should wait 3 days to call then another book says this is 2012 and women should step up to the plate-men like an aggressive woman.  See why it is all so confusing?  I want a lot of things when it comes to a significant other but I realize the chances of me getting all of those things are probably slim to none.  The main thing I want though is a best friend.  I really believe this is what all women want when it comes down to it.  I feel awkward and strange around a lot of people because I am unsure of how to read them or what their personality types are.  When I meet people that I feel that immediate comfort with those are the ones I hold on tight to.  I know those are the people that are meant to be in my life.  This is what I want in a companion, a lover, a significant other.  I want someone that I can spend endless nights with having conversations that do not end.  I know, I know doesn’t everyone want that?  Of course everyone wants that but how often does that really happen?  In the quest to find our “soulmate” we tend to forget what is important to us and what we truly want and need in a relationship.  See what I mean when I say women are complex?  It may be a lot to handle sometimes but it really is what makes us beautiful.

I hate nowadays how often I hear men complain about women being needy.  Don’t get me wrong, I have witnessed it, (and probably have done it myself) some women are far too needy.  But some men really have no idea what is going on.  A woman is just really trying to show you that she wants your attention because she is into you and cares about you.  If you are into her why would you not show her that?  What is defined as needy anyways?  Is she needy because she wants to plan a date with you?  Is she needy because she wants to spend time with you?  Is she needy because she texts or calls you because she wants to talk to you?  Call me stupid, but those things seem to be a compliment.  Why is there a constant game of cat and mouse going on?  Again, I realize some women go overboard but it comes down to it that women are usually trying to impress a guy.  We want to show to you that we care.  We are trying to do the right things.  It seems though that it backfires far too often.  Women hope that these types of actions will be reciprocated.  Bluntly, if someone cares about someone else these actions should be reciprocated without question.  Ask yourself what is it about this other person I really like?  Then ask yourself, what would be holding me back from seeing/dating/pursuing/being with this person?  If you come up with a bunch of different answers then it is obvious this is not the person for you or you are not ready to be involved at all.  Ask yourself now if you are just making excuses.  Then followup that up with asking yourself why you are making a bunch of excuses?  Really, what are you afraid of?

Ok so let me give you MY list of what I need in a relationship and then I will give you my list of wants-some might overlap…

Needs:

1)      Someone extremely kind and caring

2)      Someone intelligent than can keep me intrigued and stimulated.  I love to ask questions.  I love learning about EVERYTHING (well almost everything).  I need someone that wants to learn with me-whether we learn something big or small every single day.

3)      Someone understanding-yes there will be times that I will be an emotional trainwreck and these will be the times I need that person more than any other time.  You may not be able to understand exactly where I am coming from but just being there for me will make a world of difference.

4)      Someone compassionate.  I cannot have someone in my life that is selfish.  It is important to learn from and help others in life.  It is important to be understanding and empathetic to others-even if their lives are completely different than ours.

5)      A great personality/great sense of humor.  I absolutely love to laugh.  Laughter can cure anything.  If you can never make me laugh then we definetly aren’t a match.  No serious Stanleys please :0)

Wants:  You will see that there are a greater number of wants than needs.  Needs are way more important though.  Wants are wants but they are not necessary…they are just the icing on the cake.

1)       I want a man that is college educated-not a deal breaker but it does show incentive and initiative.  If you aren’t college educated than I my hope is that you have a good job that you are dedicated to.  Either way I want someone that works hard and always strives for better.  Ok, maybe this should be a need ;0)

2)      I want a man with a strong sex drive-BUT is respectful.  If you are trying to get in my pants right away and that is all you care about then you better keep on moving.

3)      I want an attractive man.  This is a very general statement because being attractive is so broad.  I have met many very average looking men that have become extremely good looking because they had great personalities.  Understanding how to be confident as opposed to being cocky is totally sexy.

4)      I want a man that is artistic.  This can be a man that draws, paints, writes or is involved in music.  Someone that is in touch with their creative side.

5)      I want a man that has a strong relationship with his family.  No not a mama’s boy.  Just a man that cares very much for his family and holds them in high regard.

6)      I want a man that is financially secure.  Don’t get this twisted.  I said secure not wealthy.  I am not looking for a sugardaddy or someone to take care of me.  Unfortunately many women are because they think money=happiness.  They will learn quickly that is not the truth at all.  I have known all along.

7)      I want a man that is going to want to go on different adventures and push me more and more to step outside of my comfort zone-someone that is going to initiate different fun things-this actually should be under needs more than wants but I am just going to leave it here for now.  I have no desire to date someone and all we do is sit around.  I love nights in watching movies but I absolutely love going to the beach or trying new restaurants or going out of town.  There is far too much to do to just sit around just looking at each other.  Different adevntures lead to better stories later on.  Ok yea this is a need too-dammit I am coming to realize most of these are needs. :0)

8)      I want a man that is active.  I want someone that wants to work out together and do active thinsg-bike ride, go to the beach, go to the driving range or batting cages-anything.  Someone that is going to push me to keep going to the gym-not because he thinks I’m too fat but because he knows I want to stay active.

I could go on and on about my needs and wants.  We all have them and not every one of them are able to be fulfilled.  I really hate that dating and relationships have become so complicated and so much work.  Yes, I understand there needs to be compromise sometimes and 2 people aren’t always going to agree but when 2 people are right there really shouldn’t be complications.  Maybe I live in a dream world but I love this world because it makes me know myself and what I want.  This would probably be the reason I am not married-I may have settled when it came to boyfriends but I would never settle when it came to a husband or a long-term partner.

I have stated in a past blog how pathetic I think a majority of men are nowadays.  Again, so I don’t insult any Sensitive Sally’s out there, I realize that women are far from perfect—but we are talking about what women want so zip your lip and keep reading.  So to the men I will just say it-GET OFF YOUR ASS AND TAKE INITIATIVE.  That is what us women want.  Show us that you care.  We are sensitive and we need attention (yes some more than others).  This is just the way we are built-stop calling us drama queens and just give us some attention.  I think it is funny that so many men throw out the words drama queen or psycho with so many women (like it is just a normal way to describe us) and usually they are the ones with spoon in hand stirring the pot.  Just be honest with us.  Make sure your words and your actions line up.  With the last guy I dated it became so strenuous.  He was separated from him wife and when we met he was looking to date but nothing serious and I was looking for more long term.  We both knew that going into it.  Well, there was immediate attraction and the desire to spend a good bit of time together so that is what we did.  He would constantly go back and forth with me, saying how he loved spending time with me and how he never wanted to leave when we were together and we would spend consecutive days together going on different adventures and having amazing conversations and laugh until it hurt.  Then in the same breath he would say, “well I am just not ready to have a girlfriend.  I can’t right now with everything that is going on in my life.”  This would be followed up later in the same day with him talking about bringing me to his work Christmas party or planning a camping trip a couple of months down the road.  He would always talk about future plans.  I cared so much for him but it really got exhausting.  Now do you see why I say to make sure your words and actions line up?  If you are not ready for a relationship then get the hell out of the dating pool-it is not fair to any woman because all you will do is lead her on.  Also, if you aren’t into a girl do no string her along for any reason.  That is just mean and selfish.  If you need an ego boost then write some positive affirmations on Post-It’s and put them on your bathroom mirror and look at those everyday.  Don’t make someone else feel like shit because you need to know how great you are.  Just be respectful.  If you have to play macho in front of your friends and this causes you to demean a woman in the process then you should know that you have no spine and your friends are treating you like a puppet.  You are the one that looks like more of an ass-trust me on this.  I had this girl friend that was hanging out with this guy.  They spent time together on occasion and they would talk for hours.  He was the kind of guy though that was one person behind closed doors (kind, caring, sweet) and another person in front of everyone (show off, always trying to impress people, etc).  Well, one night he called her asking her to come over.  This is going to be a little personal but I don’t name names for this particular reason.  She went over and they ended up sleeping together and she spent the night with him then went to work the next morning.  Remember, he invited her over asking her to spend the night.  Later that same day while she was at work he posted a Facebook status that said: If you ain’t my girl you need to leave after we fuck.  No lingering.  She was so hurt by this.  I told her though that even though it hurts her feelings, he doesn’t realize by posting that status how much of an asshole and a follower he looks like.  He made it obvious he was just looking for a reaction and he needed the approval of others.  It was quite pathetic.  As a man, if you need the approval of others for who you date, are in a relationship with, are sleeping with, then it comes down to one thing and one thing only-YOU ARE NOT A MAN!

So men, I cannot speak for all women because I do not know all women but it really is pretty easy.  It may sound like a lot but it really is not.  Be kind to a woman.  Be respectful to her (don’t cheat on a woman because you can’t think with anything but your penis).  Be honest.  We are all grown-ups.  It is time to let this whole game go.  Feelings are going to get hurt regardless at some point, why add fuel to the fire by stirring up a bunch of lies?  Take ownership when needed.  Voice what is bothering you (sometimes we really have no idea).  It all comes down to communication and that is something that is really lacking these days.  I wish we could go back to a time when love and relationships were truly valued.  When relationships didn’t just consist of sending text messages to each other all day.  When I am with someone I want to hear their voice over the phone and listen to them tell me about their day.  I am full of never-ending questions.  That is not me being nosey or “annoying” that is me wanting to get to know you more and more everyday.  If you find that annoying then there is a good chance you and I will not be taking any trips down any aisles.  What woman want is really not as big of a mystery as people make it out to be.  Yes we are all very different but when it comes down to it we want to be loved and respected and treated with kindness and honesty.  If you have specific questions to throw my way please do so, you know you will get an honest answer from me and if you think I am all wrong here then I would love to hear your side.  :0)

Day 19 Question 19:

Why do you no longer drink?

This morning I was talking to the woman I work for (I am her nanny-she has 2 twin girls that are one).  We were just talking about general things.  She was asking about me not drinking and asked if I had been an alcoholic.  I get asked that a lot.  The answer is no.  I quit drinking 15 months ago.  I didn’t quit because I had a problem.  I quit just to get healthy, drop weight, detox my body and challenge myself.  I wanted to live a life where alcohol was never a factor in any of my decision making.  My original goal was to quit for 4-5 months.  Once I reached that goal I decided to just keep going.  I was seeing life through different lenses.  My boss looked at me and said, “You are so disciplined, that is great.”  The words struck me in an unexplainable way.  I knew that my life has changed drastically from doing this one small thing and I am no longer succumbing to peer pressure.  I really am disciplined.  If only I could be as disciplined when it comes to eating really healthy everyday-but that is a whole other subject.

The last time I have had an alcohol beverage was October 30, 2011.  I planned a Halloween party with friends and I knew that night was going to be my last night of drinking for a while.  I only had 2 drinks even that night.  I was ready for the challenge and the change.  I drink non-alcoholic beer every once in a great while just to enjoy the taste and I catch shit because people always say that has .5% alcohol in it so I didn’t really quit.  I let people be sticklers if they feel the need.  I know it would take me about 30 of them to get me drunk and I know I surely don’t want to drink 30 beers whether they are alcoholic or non-alcholic so in my opinion if someone asks me, I don’t drink.

Since I quit drinking, I realized how different life really can be and how differently people treat you when you don’t drink.  Again, it sounds like I had a drinking problem, but that was not the case.  Had I ever been hammered?  Yes.  Did I enjoy having drinks on occasion?  Yes.  Did I have control of it?  I did have control of it.  If I didn’t I would have never been able to quit cold turkey the way I did.  There are a lot of underlying factors as to why I quit.  It’s still strange and it has changed my life but I feel like it is one of the best decisions I have ever made.  I now always have a clear picture and my being is never distorted or altered.  People will like me or not like me and alcohol will never be a factor in their decision.

It didn’t take me long to figure out after I quit drinking who my real friends were and who my drinking buddies were.  There are people in my life that know I have not drank in over a year and they still try to persuade me to drink and say things like, ‘Oh come on, one drink won’t hurt you.”  Or, “You aren’t going to have a drink with on my birthday or to ring in the New Year?”  I don’t understand why my not drinking affects them?  I feel like it is a very positive change that I made in my life but people look at me like I am some sort of freak.  It is almost as if people assume I cannot be a fun, lively person if I am not drinking.  Those that really know me know that isn’t the case at all.  I can be serious yes but I also know how to have a great time when I am surrounded by great company.  It kind of sucks to feel like you are an outcast when you have done something that you feel could truly improve your life.

Yes this part of the not drinking sucks because it is usually a process in trying to figure out what other people’s drinking patterns are and how sincere they are about your choices.  You always have to question whether or not you will be able to spend time with people outside of bars.  People have slipped out of my life because I didn’t want to spend time with them.  Drinking is too important to them and this was not the place my life was anymore.  I don’t condone people for drinking.  Trust me that would be very unfair to do.  I just am very aware of how people drink and I know which kind of drinkers I can have in my life.  Social drinking is fine.  Binge drinking regularly is not ok.  I believe there are so many things to experience in life that doesn’t involve drinking and I notice that a lot of people rely on drinking to reach some sort of comfort level.  I have done that in the past.  I want people in my life that want to go on adventures where drinking doesn’t need to be an option.

I have touched a little bit on my past relationships in previous blogs.  I haven’t said a lot up until this point because 2 of them bring me back to pieces of my life that I just don’t like to revisit all that much if I don’t need to.  I have grown immensely from these 2 past relationships and I believe it was the hardships of these relationships that have given me a strength greater than I could ever imagine but it is still not easy to think about without getting a lump in my throat and that shallow feeling in my chest.  Both guys that I had significant relationships in the past were both alcoholics.  As I was famous for, I ignored all red flags and warning signs and of course I believed I could change these people.  There was no changing to be done.  The only changes that occurred were the deepening of my own self-loathing and embarrassment for being so weak at the time.  During the relationships I drank more than I should of just to keep up.  I didn’t develop a problem in either case but I could see the potential if I hadn’t gotten out.  That is a scary thing to think about where my life could be now.  The first guy was not as bad as the second.  The first guy and I should have never been together.  We kind of just got together in moments of weakness and desperation.  Our lives at the time were not exactly up to par and we had nothing else all that great going on so why not be together.  He drank a pint of vodka everyday then it turned into a fifth.  My last straw was spending the night at his house and being kicked in the bed because he was blacked out and didn’t realized I was there.  He got up from the bed in his black out state, walked into his living room and pissed all over his floor.  He walked back into the bedroom and face planted back onto the bed.  I got out of the bed and slept on the couch.  I almost left but I feared something happening to him because he was so drunk.  I was so furious (with him and myself) that I scribbled out notes about how pathetic he was and how I hated dating an alcoholic and I taped them all over his walls above his bed.  He got up early the next morning and woke me asking me why I was sleeping on the couch and I told him to go look at his wall.  He tore down the notes and came and sat on the couch.  I told him about pissing on the floor and he adamantly denied it.  He said it had to have been my dog.  I watched him with my own 2 eyes and he told me over and over again it did not happen.  We dated for a little while longer after that and the drinking didn’t decrease.  He eventually moved back to where he was from to work for his sister.  I was devastated because this was my first significant relationship but time was what I needed and I saw things for what they were.  I was young and naïve.  I got caught up in wanting romance and wanting to be with someone and I never realized at the time that I was just babysitting a drunk.  This relationship wasn’t based on anything a true relationship should be based on.

After this I stayed single for about 3+ years.  I dated on and off but just hadn’t met anyone that turned into a long term relationship.  I thought I had grown a lot and would no longer make the same mistakes.  I could not have been more wrong.  I finally met someone.  He was a little younger than me, attractive, and really fun.  He was also a SEVERE alcoholic and I stuck by his side for a year to take an unbelievable amount of mental and emotional abuse.  Yes, it was my choice.  Remember, hindsight is 20/20.  This relationship changed my entire life.  I still get overwhelmed with anxiety when I think about it and sometimes I can’t help but cry but I have grown into this beautiful woman because of this awful experience.  When this relationship started everything was fresh and new and really fun.  He was pursuing me and wanted to hang out with me all of the time.  This was new territory, I was loving it.  After time passed and he started being really comfortable with me that is when everything changed.  He still would call me and wanted to hang but he used me for everything.  He was always wanting me to buy beer or pay tabs at the bar or get him food.  If I told him I was broke he would make me feel insanely guilty and somehow or another I would scrape up money.  I bounced checks just to please him.  Yes, this is embarrassing to admit right now but it is what it is.  I put myself in serious debt (and I have no one to blame but myself) just to please this person that never did a thing to please me.  He never treated me to anything or took me out.  He used me.  This was a person that would drink all day long.  I recall being at my townhouse and we were in the bed together.  He got up at about 7:30am and went downstairs.  I assumed he was either using the bathroom or was getting water.  He walked back in with a beer in his hand, cracked it open and started drinking.  He would drink every day all day long.  This went on for months and months and the longer we continued the worse everything got.  One evening him and I went bowling.  We had some drinks (he of course drank in excess) and I, of course, picked up the entire tab.  There was this waitress that was working there that was dressed in these ridiculous leggings.  We made fun of her to each other all night.  After we bowled we decided to sit at the bar.  This girl came up and sat on his side.  She struck up a conversation and was extremely flirtatious.  I went to the bathroom and when I came back they were gone.  I walked out of the bowling alley to watch them pulling away together.  He went home with her and fucked her…while all of his stuff was at my house.  He had to come by the next day to get everything.  I was an absolute mess.  I drank more that night and drove home.  I should have never been behind the wheel of a car in the state I was in.  I put so many people at risk.  He came by the next day to get his stuff because he had to go to work.  The girl dropped him off.  I handed him his bag out the door and he left.  I called into work that day.  He came over a few days later so we could talk.  Of course by the time he got to my town house he was three sheets to the wind.  I told him how hurt I was and how angry I was.  We started getting pretty heated.  He responded by saying, “You are just pissed because I don’t want to fuck your fat ass anymore.”  My knees hit the ground.  He struck the one chord that he knew was going to hurt the most.  I crumbled in that moment.  That was the breaking point.  He left and that was the last time I ever saw him.  He would call here and there on occasion and would yell at me about random things-most of the time I never answered.  This one moment though was just a tiny tiny tiny bit of the tip of the iceberg.  I was destroyed by this point and I was completely lost.  I had absolutely no idea who I was anymore.  This person stripped me of everything.  Again, I know it was my fault for sticking around for it.  This was the time when I felt the absolute lowest in my life and it has taken me several years to recover from it.  I am still recovering to this day.  So much self-hatred and self-doubt emerged from this “relationship”.  This relationship that was based on an obscene amount of alcohol and countless drunken nights.  I have never felt as alone as I did at that point in my life.

I felt completely defeated but I was lucky enough to have a support system in my life that was not going to let me completely crash.  It took a lot of time but I got myself back together again after this.  I did continue to drink after this, not heavily or anything but socially.  I want to stop for one second and tell everyone that my point in sharing myself like this is not to convey myself as a victim of any sort.  I want to just show you who I am and why I am that person.  I am introducing everyone to significant pieces of my life that have impacted who I am to this very day at this very moment.

So my life has continued.  Drinking has been something that has weighed heavily on my mind because of these 2 situations.  I wanted to start dating and always be completely sober.  Unfortunately some of the people I have dated were unable to do the same thing.  I never ever want to be with someone that wants to be in an altered state during majority of the time they are with me.  That is nothing but a completely fake relationship.  I wanted to see what dating was like without ever drinking (me not drinking-I don’t mind if my date does as long as it is in moderation).  I wanted to be able to make clear, conscious decisions.  In this state I am way more in touch with how I feel.  I am no longer relying on liquid courage to get me through different situations.  I love no longer having to suffer through a hangover (and I was the queen of hangovers) and wasting a whole day being completely miserable or forget what I had done the night before.  I never have to go back and apologize for my dumbass antics when drinking.  I never have to question what I did because I drank too much.  I will make mistakes throughout my life but now I never have alcohol to blame.

As I am sure you have figured out by my blogs I am can be an anxious and nervous person.  Drinking would be fun in the moment but I absolutely detested the next day or 2.  There were times I would feel so incredibly depressed.  There were times I would sit in my bed and cry just thinking about so many things.  I finally got to a point where I wanted to try to be healthy in all aspects.  I have been unhappy with my body and have let that take over my mind for far too long…why add fuel to the fire?  My goal is to continually become better and better and I just started to realize that drinking (yes even one) was serving no beneficial purpose for me.  It has been an adjustment because people have such strange reactions when I tell them I no longer drink.  I have become part of the minority and it hasn’t been a simple task to find people that want to venture out and do things that don’t involve drinking.  Again, I am not criticizing people that drink.  I will go to bars from time to time to hang out with friends.  I have just made a decision for myself that I feel is beneficial in my life.  I stepped outside of my comfort zone and was surprised at how easy it really was.  Sometimes I feel like I come off like I am better than people and wiser than people when in truth I am just doing what I think is right for me.  I chose to share this blog with people so they would have a better understanding of me.  I have hidden a lot of who I am for a long time and I didn’t want to do that anymore.  I am sometimes nervous and uncomfortable vocalizing my thoughts so I wanted to use this outlet to show people who I am, what I love, what my fears are, what my dreams are…EVERYTHING.  I was thinking earlier today how great it would be to visit this blog 30 years down the road and see where was life was in comparison to where it is at that time.  I wanted to start documenting my life so I could have amazing memories.  My life gets busy and time flies by so fast and memories start to fade over time, the more memories that we make the more memories that we lose if we don’t document them in different ways.  This is my documentation.  I am now and open book for the world. :0)

P.S.  Losing 65lbs in the last 2 years didn’t hurt either 😉

Day 18 Question 18:

What is the latest epiphany you have experienced?

I just stood in my bathroom blow drying my hair and started thinking about sending the last guy I was dating an email…just a friendly hello.  We haven’t spoke in a few months.  We didn’t part on bad terms-our lives were just in totally different places and he had some serious baggage he needed to get rid of.  As I stood there I thought about all of the things I would tell him: how I have been doing yoga, how I am feeling happier than I have in quite some time, how I am going to take the Transcendental Meditation course that we talked about this month…I was going to talk about how far I have come since we parted.  I was going to tell him that he was a big part of this.  He told me he believed I was onto something big and he was right, I was onto finding my own strength.  By the time I came back into my bedroom and sat down and put my computer in my lap I knew I couldn’t write the email.  I HAD to test my own strength.  I am not going to be the one to always put forth the effort.  I do not hate him.  Hate is something I just can’t carry inside of me.  I do however have a lot of mixed feelings about him and the feelings that I never expressed were anger and hurt…not feelings I ever expressed out loud.  I have ignored these feelings and it took me until now to realize how I always put myself second in all romantic involvements I have ever been in (actually in a lot of relationships I have been in).  My insecurities made me push myself into people’s lives because I always believed that no one would ever try really hard or want to win my love or my attention.  It is kind of embarrassing to admit that but it is just the truth.  I can see so much goodness in myself and I know what I have to offer but for some reason I am not always able to believe the things I know about myself.   I am unsure why I never quite felt good enough or always believed I was second best.  I had/have always been striving to be something better than I am and I am finally learning that I have to accept myself for me because if I don’t I will always be striving for that something better that does not exist.  It is like reaching for the unobtainable.

So much in this life does not make sense to me.  My world is full of nonsense and comedy and every emotion possible and even those we don’t have names for.  I am sure you have learned this by reading my blogs.  My brain is always 25 steps ahead of me and it seems almost impossible to slow it down.  Sometimes this can be really bothersome and overwhelming.  It makes me question why me?  Over and over again.  Other times it feels like a gift.  I do feel like I am a unique individual that just wants to share so much with the world but isn’t sure quite what outlet to use.  The world is my muse.  Life is my muse.  I am learning everyday who I am and I am learning to accept this person but there are things I still want to change and that is requiring me to step out of my comfort zone in a big way.  Even in this blog I have censored myself to a degree in order to avoid offending anyone.  Let me give you an example of how my head works sometimes…ok a lot of the time.  I have been working on this blog now for 19 days.  I have been very honest but in some instances there is more that I feel like I could have said-things that are more blunt and to the point-potentially insulting or offensive to some but they are my thoughts.  Also, I have readers that I do not know-I have never met these people yet I am still worried about offending these people and getting some sort of backlash from these people.  So here is the dialogue that takes place in my head:

“Well this is what I am thinking but if I write that someone may be offended (I could have someone in particular in mind).  I am, however, being honest but they might say something to me and then how will I respond/react?  Should I say it?  Should I not?  Is it wrong for me to say it?  Will people be mad at me if I say it?  I really should say it if it is what I am feeling in the moment.  But is this what I really feel?  Am I being lead by my head or my heart? ”  This is the battle that goes on over and over again in my mind.  I am extremely uncomfortable with confrontation which has made me lead a life of hardly standing up for what I believe in or backing up my beliefs.  I am terrified of losing people I really care about by offending them or by judge being honest.  I don’t want to be viewed as a bitch.  I am working on accepting and moving forward but it is not always easy.  The one thing that is hardest for me to accept is that not everyone is going to like me.  Obviously, I don’t expect everyone that I encounter to like me, but I don’t want to be disliked based on snap judgments.  There are many topics/questions I have thought about writing about that I have a lot of strong feelings about and then I think about the people I know and who I could potentially offend.  I know that I need to stop worrying about that though because I am entitled to my own thoughts and opinions.  It has just never been an easy thing for me to do but I am DETERMINED to jump far outside of my comfort zone.  I know the person that I am is sincerely kind and caring.  I know that I would jump through fire to help those that I love.  I may make snap judgments and may make insensitive jokes but I also know that deep inside I regret doing that right after I do.  I don’t always say these things but I know when I am wrong.  In the same I am a clown sometimes and I do enjoy crude humor.  I am not always politically correct but  I am also compassionate and empathetic and in a minute I would do for someone else before doing for myself because I feel that is the right thing to do.  I really do believe even though I sometimes feel like a crazy person, that I am the right balance of person because I don’t just lean one way or another.  I don’t try to be prim and proper day in and out but I also do not act rude and obnoxious.  I find that middle ground because I understand the concepts of discretion and respect.  Through the nervousness, anxiety, self-questioning, fear and doubt, as hard as it is to admit and to believe sometimes-I know who I am.  I am a beautiful soul that wants to be a mentor and a role model.  I want to have several mentors and role models in my life.  Vocal expression is not easy for me.  I can be loud-mouthed and outgoing but I am still usually very nervous (even though most people would never guess that).

I just started wondering if your thoughts are who you are.  It didn’t take me long to come to the conclusion that the answer is no.  I think this is part of my struggle in expressing myself sometimes.  Sometimes I think things and what I feel may be different.  Thoughts are there for only a mere moment and they change rapidly.  This is why I don’t always state everything that I am thinking because (even though I might not always realize it at the time) I know there is no reason to stir up drama or chaos because of a fleeting thought that I had in a moment.  If you think about it, your thoughts are based on your feelings.  Your feelings are always changing based on your situations.  Say for example, you have been working your ass off at your job and your boss comes in and screams at you for something you are not at all guilty of.  You start to feel your heart beat rapidly and you are overwhelmed with a feeling of anger.  Your emotions are on overdrive.  So, what do you do?  You have several options.  You could scream back at your boss and tell him/her what an asshole they are.  You could sit in silence and nod your head.  There are a number of things you could do.  What you express in that moment is going to be based on what you are feeling.  It is important to get in touch with your feelings at a time like that because those feelings have everything to do with your reaction.  Ok, think about it (yes I said think-hahaha), situations can turn into a vicious cycle.  In this example if you decide to scream back at your boss you are vocalizing out of anger.  After time has passed you will cool down and most likely start to feel regret.  Your reaction was based on anger and you did not even consider what your boss was feeling (which would be causing his reaction directed at you-he/she may have gone through something angering right before he/she got to you).  Trust me, I realize not reacting immediately in some situations can be very difficult.  It sometimes almost feels natural to have an immediate response.  We are always ready to put our defense up.  I have just come to realize that once you are more in tune with your feelings and know which ones are beneficial and which ones are not you are able to control a lot of unneeded nonsense and hurtful words (that most likely later on you will realize that is not how you truly feel).  We need to rid ourselves of the ego.  Yes, I think it is important to protect ourselves in different senses, but we do not always need to be right.  How many of us have said something in the heat of the moment just to hurt someone even though it is not what we truly feel about them?  We just wanted to be one up on that person.  We wanted to be superior.  If you have a conscience though, guilt will follow and you will realize that you actually feel inferior for stooping to a level like that.  I think I stay censored sometimes because unconsciously I realize that I am not my thoughts-I am way more than this.  I am more in tune with the ego than I realized I was and I don’t want to be ruled by my ego.  Yes, I want to be liked and I want to be a mentor but I am not looking for fame.  I am not looking for people to fall all over me or praise me (yes of course it would feel nice to have that happen but it is definetly not my goal).  I just want to share my messages because they might make sense to other people.  Helping others does make me feel good.  It would feel good to anyone.  There is no such thing as a selfless good deed and I think that is ok because everyone benefits from it.

Sometimes it is hard to get beyond your own self.  We tend to have snap judgments about people and get annoyed at their reactions.  We tend to be selfish because we know what we know and we feel what we feel and that is it.  It is ok to be selfish sometimes-I mean we do walk around in this one mind with this one mind every single day.  The thing is (and I am not telling you you have to do this-just a suggestion) it is important to try to step into another person’s shoes.  Obviously you are never going to walk a day in their shoes but that is the point.  Even through a million annoyances, you will never truly know what another person is feeling.  I have a friend in my life that complains non-stop.  If it is not one thing it is another.  I have tried to spew out suggestions to her (positive affirmations, change of lifestyle, etc).  I got to the point that I needed to distance myself because I was getting severely annoyed.  I kept thinking “shit or get off the pot”.  I distanced myself because I did not want to get to the point of annoyance that I would start being rude and disrespectful.  I believe I chose the right way to go but I also realized that although the complaining was incessant she felt what she felt.  I was not in her shoes and she was obviously overwhelmed with various aspects of her life.  It was overtaking her and she was feeling an array of emotions.  Yes, I do believe people should take action instead of complaining non-stop but sometimes actually following through with the action is extremely scary.  It goes back to stepping outside of your comfort zone.  If you are reading this, take a minute to think about what stepping outside of your comfort zone would involve?  Is it scary or overwhelming?  I bet it is.  So, now think about where others are coming from.  You have never felt what they are feeling and have never lived one day of their life.  What is absurd to you might be completely normal to the next person.  Unless you persistently practice this day in and day out you will still have moments of judgment and the urge to lash out but once you become aware of it you could potentially see these reactions decrease.  Life comes down to certain questions: Is this really going to beneficial in the end?  Will this make me happy?  Will this hurt/harm others?  How would I feel if someone reacted to me in this manner?  When I am in difficult situations, even if it is for just a mere moment, I run questions like these through my head before I react.  I am amazed in how such a short time I have felt a sense of calm by doing this.  It is as if you gain a greater respect for yourself for taking the high road.  You know you have done the right thing.

I am now almost 2 hours deep into this blog.  Every blog that I write I am more in love because I am more in tune with myself.  I love seeing who I am.  I love the feeling of being re-born.  This person on paper (well typed up on a computer if we are going to get knit picky) is who has been missing for awhile.  I once was lost but now am found…who would have thought those words would ring so true.  Right before writing this blog entry I almost made an impulse decision to send an email that right now didn’t need to be sent.  If he emailed me I would be kind and respectful but I realized I cannot always be the first one to make the first move because that only ends up hurting.  I took that time to think about what I was feeling. I thought about what I would feel once the email was sent.  I was not and am not ready (and I do not want) to potentially feel sadness or hurt.  I knew that I would be revisiting these feelings if I sent out that email and then I asked myself the question: What reaction do you want from this?  BUT What reaction could you possibly get?  I was not going to risk it.  The anxiety and worry is not worth that.  My gut feelings know me the best.  As I stated before, my thoughts are always fleeting.  As the writer, I ask you the reader to just think about this.  I am not saying I am right (of course I think I am but I am far too respectful to shove that down someone’s throat) but just take a moment to think about what you are feeling and what you are feeling.  Ask yourself how you have reacted in various situations.  Were you reacting because of a moment of weakness?  Were you reacting out of momentary anger?  Were you reacting about something that was completely out of your control?  I am sure you answered yes to all of these questions.  I know I did when I reflected back.  The thing is that we all are in control of our lives and our reactions-this has been my epiphany.  I realized I could no longer blame outside sources for my problems and my reactions because I am in control of these things—even some of the hardest situations imaginable.  I want to leave this entry with some passages from one of my favorite books-The Art of Happiness by The Dalai Lama.  I have read this book twice and plan on reading it several more times throughout my life.  It is not a religious rant.  It is just a philosophy that is lived by many.  I recommend it to everyone to at least read once.  Not everyone will agree or love it the way I do but at least you will be able to say you open your mind to something different.  I hope you enjoy :0)

All quotes from The Art of Happiness by The Dalai Lama

“If you can learn to develop patience and tolerance towards your enemies, then everything else becomes much easier-your compassion towards all others begins to flow naturally.”

“So, although you may not always be able to avoid difficult situations, you can modify the extent to which you suffer by how you choose to respond to the situation.”

“If we allow our regret to degenerate into excessive guilt, holding onto the memory of our past transgressions with continued self-blame and self-hatred, this serves no purpose other than to be a relentless source of self-punishment and self-induced suffering.”

“If we define our self-image in terms of what we used to look like or in terms of what we used to be able to do and can’t do now, it is a pretty safe bet that we won’t grow happier as we grow older.  Sometimes, the more we try to hold on, the more grotesque and distorted life becomes.”

“The ability to shift perspective can be one of the most powerful and effective tools we have to help us cope with life’s daily problems.”

“When you are aware of your pain and suffering, it helps you to develop your capacity for empathy, the capacity that allows you to relate to other people’s feelings and suffering.  This enhances your capacity for compassion towards others.  So as an aid in helping us connect with others, it can be seen as having value.”

Day 17 Question 17:

Why do important things sometimes slip through the cracks?

I wish I could answer this question.  I really do.  My only guess is that people have become so lazy and choose to no longer take personal responsibility because they no longer care.  It is a vague question but a really important one.  I have been alive for 33 years now and I have seen (on the news of course-well some things I have seen up close and personal) gunman shoot and kill numbers of innocent people.  I have seen medical staff workers physically and verbally abusing their patients.  I have seen young people commit suicide.  You may now ask what has slipped through the cracks with these things I speak of?  Why have these people chosen what they have chosen?

I have been watching a lot of documentaries lately.  I tend to dive into a lot of nonfiction books and documentaries because they keep my mind stimulated and make me more aware of what is going on in the world around me when I am unable to experience certain things first hand.  This stuff gives me a grip on reality, even when reality can be really depressing or scary.  People’s voices are not being heard.  Unimaginable injustices are taking place everyday and our laws and government are allowing it to happen.  I have always liked the book 1984 but I never realized until the last couple of years how Big Brother really is watching all of us.   Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of these anti-government, crazy hippies.  I just think we are living by a set of rules that may no longer apply.  Society is moving at a rapid pace but our laws and rules aren’t moving along with it.  We, as a society are being controlled like puppets, and we are allowing it to happen.  We sit back and talk about everything is wrong but we do nothing, we allow others to take action.  We all have a voice and I don’t know why more people don’t use theirs in constructive ways.  I can get lazy just like anyone else but I think even this “little” blog is an impact because it is getting my voice out there.  It is stirring up discussions.  I meet brilliant people day in and day out that choose to do nothing and these are the people that could make the greatest impacts.  I would like to think I am a pretty positive person.  I try to see the good in everyone (sometimes this is hard as hell and sometimes I am unable to).  I will be honest and say though that I think our world has such great problems and it is angering and depressing because us as a population have put us in this state.  I hate that so many people no longer care.  So many people give up the fight (i.e. fighting for what they believe in).  Yes I realize fighting for what you believe in is what causes wars and destruction.  When I say what I say, what I mean is I don’t understand (and I guess this is one of the things that could be added to my last blog) how people can feel nothing and truly not care about others.  I have done bad things and my actions have been selfish but I have been overwhelmed with guilt and self-loathing because of my actions that were undesirable.  I believe this was my punishment and trust me this IS punishment.  I believe to this day I still need to make amends with certain people if I want to feel at ease.  But that is a different subject.  There are people in the world that can hurt others and demean others and belittle others and feel no guilt.  They can continue their lives day by day and be completely content with their actions.  Why do these people think that these actions are ok?  Is part of it because people aren’t doing their jobs?  Why are parents not beating it into their children’s heads that being polite and respectful to people is the only option?  Why are television networks broadcasting reality shows that blatantly reward bad behavior (for example Bad Girls Club-these girls cuss, fight, and berate other people and they are put up in a luxurious home for free and are driven to bars and clubs in a limousine).

I guess this question is kind of along the lines as my previous question.  I tend to hold onto a lot of my thinking when I answer a question and it streamlines right into the next post.  Anyhooooo, going back to how and why things/situations in our society slip through the cracks.  Last night I watched a documentary entitled Undercover Care: The Abuse Exposed.  This documentary focused on a live-in facility for individuals with severe learning disabilities.  I will share with you the synopsis I found on the website (www.topdocumentaryfilms.com)…which by the way is an awesome website:

On the top floor of a special hospital, locked away from their families and friends, a group of men and women are subjected to a regime of physical assaults, systematic brutality, and torture by the very people supposed to be caring for them.

The victims are some of the most vulnerable in society – the learning disabled, the autistic, and the suicidal. In a Panorama Special, Paul Kenyon exposes the truth about a gang of carers out of control, and how the care system ignored all the warning signs.

Joe Casey spent five weeks filming undercover in a private care hospital on the outskirts of Bristol after getting a job as a support worker. He was shocked by what he witnessed.

Police in Bristol have arrested four people after secret filming by BBC Panorama found a pattern of serious abuse at a residential hospital.

I am beyond shocked when I finished watching this documentary.  Paul Kenyon applied for the job once he had caught wind of the abuse taking place.  He had several hidden cameras (2 on his person) throughout the facility.  What took place was unimaginable.  The staff at this residential facility were absolute monsters and they found humor and comedy in torturing these patients.  I watched on staff member (a young, very tattooed man-they stated that his goal was to become a licensed tattoo artist-and he proved he had no interest in working where he was) pin a woman underneath a chair for 30 minutes while stepping on her hands so she was unable to get up.  This was a woman that did not act out aggressively or provoke this at all.  I watched several staff members take patients to the ground.  This is supposed to be the absolute last resort when it comes to these patients and if they are restrained they are to only be restrained for the most minimal time possible.  These people would be restrained for several minutes (up to 30 minutes).  One woman was brought outside in freezing cold temperatures and had water poured over her.  The video showed her laying on the ground speechless and shaking.  This woman is severely learning disabled and she was being treated like a barn animal.  Another male patient, who was tested and determined that he functioned at a 4 yr old level, was put into a headlock and was kicked and restrained by staff.  I could go on and on but I think you get the idea.  It was beyond disturbing and absolutely horrifying.  A former employee quit his job because of what was taking place there.  He sent a long detailed email about the abuse to the highest management officials in the company as well as to the government (I am unsure of what it is called in this part of Europe but it would be on the same level of a state house or high up government official).  He emailed on 3 or 4 occassions and each and everyone of his emails was ignored.  Not one person of authority took action to stop what was happening.  These people’s lives were being put in jeopardy everyday and the emotional and psychological damage was increasing every moment.  It absolutely disgusted me.  How could something so horrifying be blatantly ignored?  Why did NO ONE find this to be a pressing matter and rush to save these people?  If Joe Casey had not found out about this place and recorded these secret videos and blown open this entire situation, these people could STILL be living in this form of hell every single day.  The entire matter is currently being investigated and several of the patients have been pulled out of the facility.  What came as an absolute shock though is that the staff members that were guilty of this day in day out abuse were only suspended…not fired or jailed…just suspended.  These monsters could be put back into the workforce, in a similar environment and start the abuse all over for other innocent victims.  This is the kind of situation that slips through the cracks and it only societal ignorance that is to blame.  It is so sad. :0(

A swarm of different incidences flood through my thoughts.  I think about Phoebe Prince.  The young girl that was bullied so badly that she decided to take her own life.  This young girl came to the United States from Ireland (brought by her parents) and all she was looking for was a fresh start at a new school.  All she got was nonstop torture.  She was called a “slut” and a whore”  regularly.  She had objects thrown at her and it was even reported that during this time she was sexually assaulted.  She cried out for help.  She told her parents that school was intolerable and when the matter was introduced to faculty members, it was brushed under the rug and supposedly “these kind of things happen everyone, it just needs to pass.”  Nothing ever got better for Phoebe Prince and she took her own life.  Staff in her school library witnessed her being bullied the same day she took her own life and did absolutely nothing about it.  After she took her own life, one of the female bullies wrote “Accomplished” as her Facebook status.  Something like this should have NEVER happened and I just cannot understand how it did.  I don’t understand how the people that outright ignored her cries for help can live with themselves.  I guess I cannot understand how there are people in this world so heartless in cruel that have no conscience.  How do people feel nothing?  How could her bully feel proud of her actions after someone her same age took their life due to her actions?

I wish I had the answers.  I wish I had the solution but we are all each such individual, unique creatures and it is impossible to understand all of the things inside us that make us tick.  I suffer from anxiety sometimes (it has been on the level of severe on occasion), I sometimes feel so mentally unbalanced and out of wack but never in my life has harming myself or harming others been an option.  I have hated the government at times and the rules and regulations we have to abide by in order to be “free” and living in a country called the “United” Stated when we are anything but united but my frustrations have never even triggered a thought to harm others in order to make a point.  That would solve nothing.  I am only one person.  I can have an impact on the world in different ways but I cannot change the world all by myself and if I were to go on a rampage killing people, I surely wouldn’t be able to change anything.  The boys from Columbine High School and the young man from VA Tech obviously had mental issues.  It is beyond unfortunate that no one was able to get to them before both great tragedies occurred.  They were all sending a message and those messages came too late with far too many lives lost.

We are all on this earth walking around like a herd of elephants just trying to figure it all out.  This is a big statement, but I believe it to some extent, society is failing us.  We have become so lazy and so complacent (obviously I am not speaking for everyone in the world-it’s a general statement) and we no longer care to take the time.  Technology is driving us and we are losing all grip on personal relationships and we could not possibly need personal relationships more than we need them now.  I wish people (including myself-I am trying like hell) would just slow down and take a look around.  Have you helped a stranger out lately for no good reason?  Have you had an actual conversation in person or on the telephone with an old friend as opposed to just texting?  Have you taken the time to just listen to someone knowing they needed someone to just hear them?  Life is full of a variety of people and they are all so interesting.  Each and every person has their own story to tell but with us losing all forms of human contact we are missing out on these amazing stories.  I wish life was not headed in this direction.  I feel like I need to work hard and do something big but I haven’t quite put my finger on it.  I stay busy between working 2 jobs and working on my Masters Degree but I feel like I need to figure out time to spread my voice and ideas.  I feel like I just need to talk with young people so they can take focus off the superficial and focus on their dreams and see everything the world has to offer outside of all of the trends and fashions.  I just want to talk to young people so I can understand where they are coming from.  Maybe this would give me a better insight about myself, why the world is the way it is today and it might stir up some ideas to make some improvements-even if they are only in my small corner of the world.  The world is so much bigger than me and young people think the world is beyond bigger than that.  So many of them don’t realize how important their voices, thoughts and opinions really are.  Life does not always need an agenda.  Sometimes people just need to be heard without judgment or ridicule.  They just need to talk to get their feelings out of them because it is getting to the point of painful.  If you are reading this, and I hope you are, starting today are you willing to lend and open ear?

Day 16 Question 16

What are some things you have a hard time or just can’t wrap your brain around?

There are so many things in this ever-changing world that I just don’t understand.  I know I know we aren’t meant to understand everything.  I would love to crawl into the minds of others to experience their madness, their pain, their joy, their excitement.  So many of the things I cannot wrap my brain around exist because they are things I have never experienced.  They are things I do not know.  Some of these things just seem to me to be ultimately wrong while others are just things I don’t understand because some people are so different from myself.  These people were raised differently than I was and maybe they even come from different cultural backgrounds.  The things I can’t wrap my brain around are what make me seek more and more knowledge and experiences each and everyday.  They are the reason I never want to stop learning.  When you stop learning you stop living.  I don’t ever want to stop living, even if my body does die.  I believe my soul will always live on in some way or another.  So, I will guide you through with a list of things I think about and can’t seem to understand.  I hope none of these things offend anyone because they are not meant to.  I speak only from experiences and things I have been subjected to.  I do realize there is a world out there that is way way way bigger than me.

1)       I can’t wrap my brain around how a woman can have a child (give birth) and neglect or abuse them.  No I am not a parent and although a lot of pregnancies are unplanned, I don’t understand how a woman grow another human being inside of her (something that is part of her that shares her same DNA) and can look at that child and not feel love and a special bond that makes you want to protect them everyday of their life.

2)      I can’t wrap my brain around why people just settle in life.  I admit to being one of these people in certain areas of life and I beat myself up for it all of the time.  Life can be hard and life can have huge battles to fight but there are so many opportunities.  I don’t understand why people do not choose to continue moving forward.  I don’t understand why you would want to just stand still.  It seems so mundane and boring to me.  \

3)      I can’t wrap my brain around how and why people murder, especially those people that are found to be complete geniuses.  The Unabomber (Kazinski) sent mail bombs for years, killing people as well as injuring others.  This man was tested and found to function on the level of a genius.  Yes, I am sure he suffered from social issues but he had a gift in life that he could use for such good and decided to take an entirely different route.  He believed this was the scare that the American people needed.  I do not condone it but I do understand the kids that snap from being bullied so badly in school but I do not understand why our society is not moving at a rapid pace to fix this problem.  We know that the percentages of individuals diagnosed with some sort of mental disorder is constantly on the rise but we don’t seem to be doing anything to help the problem.

4)      I can’t wrap my brain around why men do not court women anymore.  Yes, I know this sounds so cheesy and we are in 2012 and what about womens lib and blah blah blah.  This is just how I feel.  I do not understand why chivalry is quickly dying out.  Romance is a concept that is being long forgotten.  Technology is making us lose all personal contact.  As a woman, I would absolutely love it is a man were to call me and ask me out on a date (and when he calls he actually has a date and a place in mind).  I don’t understand why so much has changed in such a short period of time.

5)      I can’t wrap my brain around other cultures and different parts of the world because I have never experienced them.  I am extremely curious too but I am also afraid because I know it will be a culture shock.  It would be very much out of my comfort zone but in the same an amazing learning experience.

6)      I do not understand racism/prejudice.  Do not get me wrong, I have made my share of racist/inappropriate jokes and by no means am I saying that is right but I also know that I do not feel a pure hatred toward any race or religion.  Slavery seems so unfathomable to me because it does not seem possibly that one race (my own race) could treat another race like they were animals.  Making them wait on them hand and foot and punishing them with whippings.  This day in age though the racism is shared on both sides.  I have experienced plenty of hatred from black people.  I have been told I was a stuckup white bitch that thinks I am better than everyone.  I have been pegged as rich because I am white (which couldn’t be farther from the truth) and because of this I was hated.  I don’t understand it at all.  We are all people.  We all have a heartbeat.  We all breathe the same air.  We all have all of the senses (well most-some people unfortunately do not have all of these things).  We all have the same capabilities (more or less).  But we are still divided in so many ways just based on our backgrounds.  It is so sad.  We could all learn so much from each other but so many people choose to hate because we don’t all have the same opinions, backgrounds or beliefs.  These things are an opportunity and so many people only see it as a threat.

7)      I can’t wrap my brain around child abuse or pedophilia.  I do not understand how a grown person could look down on a small child and beat them in any form or how they could have any sexual attraction or desires toward them.  Children are so defenseless and innocent.  It is sad because when a child is abused in any form that has the potential to affect them for the rest of their lives.  I had a really hard time watching the movie Precious because the scene where the mother and father are having sex and the father reaches over to fondle his 3 yr. old daughter just disturbs me.  It made me nauseous and I couldn’t stop thinking about how much stuff like that goes on in the world.  I can only think that these people must be very mentally ill if they think it is ok to harm a child.

8)      I can’t wrap my brain around people being married and cheating on their spouses.  I understand I am not married so maybe I should make no comment but I am human just like everyone else so I am going to.  I don’t understand how people cheat with such ease.  I am unsure if I ever want to be married and to be honest some of the reason is because I fear breaking my vows.  I believe vows are something very sacred.  You are promising to someone that you will love and cherish them the rest of your lives.  Your promise to do this through good and bad times, rich and poor, sickness and health.  If you feel that you are unable to make these promises then why get married?  And if you are married and you are unable to live up to those vows (and I am not judging) then why not get divorced?  Why would you deceive someone that you promised and made vows with?

9)      I can’t wrap my brain around why unhappy married couples stay together for the sake of the children.  I do understand children need stability and it is not ideal for them to have separated parents but what is it teaching them when their parents pretty much despise each other.  Children of divorce have a great chance of emotional instability yes but I don’t understand why people would not raise their children in 2 different households that they experience love in as opposed to one household where they lose all concept of what love is because their parents don’t love each other.  In my opinion it is just a recipe for disaster and the child may think that the instability of his/her parents is the norm when it should not be.

10)  I can’t wrap my head around why people bully other people and are just generally mean day in and day out.  I know that a lot of people are just insecure so they treat others badly but I cannot understand how people can outright be extremely rude to people or insult them and not feel guilt immediately after.  I don’t understand why they are ok with acting like this.  I have encountered people that are like this that are of all different ages.  I have an uncle that I rarely ever see.  Everytime I do though, he says to my mother, “Well it doesn’t look like you have gotten any fatter?”  or something to that nature.  He laughs and just thinks it is funny and waits for everyone around him to laugh.  He is always looking for an audience and he treats people like this all of the time.  He acts like he is above everyone else.  I cannot stand being around him or even really acknowledging that he is my uncle.

11)  I can’t wrap my brain around why actors/actresses and athletes make millions and millions of dollars every year but teachers make barely enough to scrape by.  Teachers and childcare providers help shape and mold thousands and thousands of children.  They teach them so many life skills as well as developmental and educational skills.  These people are critical for the positive development of our children (and I say our children because it really does take a village to raise a child).  I do know that actors/actresses and athletes work hard but I do not understand why they are considered so much more important in life to earn such a great deal of money when that money could be spent on things such as school supplies, unemployment (for those desparately searching for jobs), teacher trainings, school maintenance, after-school programs, etc.  It really blows my mind the way that money is spent in this country and how little concern there really is over the educational system.  Another reason I am hesitant about having children is because of this reason.  I want my child to have an amazing education and I want him/her to have teachers that truly care and provide tools and resources that would help him/her flourish.  If money is continually spent in the manner that it is and we don’t start focusing way stronger on the importance of our educational system that will never happen.

Like I said, there is so much in this world I don’t understand.  There is so much I can’t wrap my brain around.  I walk around in amazement everyday wondering why people do what they do and how things work as they do.  I am shocked I do not drool on myself more often from having my mouth gaped open from amazement.  I love it though.  Although I do not understand these things (and these are only a small few) I learn so much more about myself because of them.  I learn more about who I am and who I am not.  I think that is a beautiful thing.  Not knowing some of these things also gives me the opportunity to see things from another’s perspective.  In have read different books throughout times about serial killers and many were a look into their minds.  I would never ever condone their actions but because of my search for knowledge I understand better their mentality and how and why they did what they did.  Sometimes it is the teachings of our past that make us how we are.  If someone were to grow up in a household where racial slurs were thrown around day in and day out, how would they know any different that this was wrong?  I just finished a book called Room.  It is about this 19 year old girl that is kidnapped while walking through her college campus parking lot.  She is kept in this old shed where the man that kidnapped her keeps her locked in.  He has fencing below the shed and all the way around.  She has no means of escape.  He rapes her several times.  She has one stillborn birth and a year later she gives birth to a boy.  She gives birth to him by herself right in the room.  She loved him from the minute he was born.  She was no longer alone.  When the boy was 5, the mother and him escape.  I won’t give away all of these details in case I haven’t totally killed this story for you.  The little boy has no concept of the outside world.  He never even knew it existed.  All he ever knew was the room he was born and raised in.  His mother never told him anything about the outside world because she didn’t want him to know there was something so big and wonderful out there that he may never have.  It was an amazing journey to read about because this boy did not understand so much when he was thrown into society.  Nothing made sense because it was nothing he had ever been exposed to or experienced.  Although this is a fictional story, it is so true to life for many of us.  We understand life to some degree but there is a much bigger world outside of ourselves that we can’t even imagine because the chances are slim to none that we will ever experience them.

From here I will bid all of you farewell and hope that you have opened your minds.  I hope that you have thought about some of the questions I have answered and answered them yourselves, even if just in your minds.  Life is too short to just sit by and let it all pass you by.  I may not know all of you but I sending you so much love and hope you find happiness in every single day!

Day 15 Question 15:

What are some of your biggest dating disasters?

I thought for today’s entry I would add a little bit of comedy.  I usually take a serious spin in my writings but this is a topic that I know could bring on the laughs.  I have gone on more dates than I am able to count and I have been absolutely amazed at what crazies there really are out there.  Soooooo, I have decided to share some of my stories.  They may even make you feel better about your own dating disasters.  Haha.  Well here we go…hold on tight ;0)  Ok, while thinking about the dates I was going to share with the world, I realized I do not remember most names.  I would normally think that is bad but actually I think my brain is slowly trying to void out each and every one of these occurrences :0)

1)      I wasn’t sure what order to put these in.  I am pretty much going in the order in which the nightmares coming rushing into my head.  This first one took place about 5 years ago I would guess.  Again, my brain is blocking out some of the details…thank goodness.  I was actually out at a big Halloween party at the biggest hangout at the beach (Broadway at the Beach).  I was at a club called Revolutions with a few of my girlfriends.  I wasn’t dressed up.  Right now I am not sure why because I love Halloween.  Anyhoo, I was on the dance floor and I met this guy that was with a group of his friends and they were all dressed up like the characters from the movie The Life Aquatic with Bill Murray.  It was quite amusing.  This guy and I danced and talked for awhile and we exchanged numbers.  He shot me a text a couple of days later and asked if I wanted to go out.  We decided to meet down in Murrells Inlet and hit a couple of places along the marsh walk (this is a wooden dock that extends for about a mile or so that is full of different restaurants and bars and it is right on the marsh-people dock their boats here and it is really a cool place).  So we meet up and start having a couple of drinks.  Well, he didn’t hold back on starting to do shots-grand marnier, jose cuervo, lemon drops.  You name it, he drank it.  I paced myself while he ran up a $120 tab at one bar.  I was wondering if he just wasn’t interested in me so he needed to just start drinking but that was not the impression that I got from him at all.  I think he was just an alcoholic.  Ha ha.  So, the more shots that go down the louder this guy gets.  The place we were at is a bar and restaurant.  It was about 8:00 so there were still families there and this guy was throwing out the F bomb every other word.  People were staring at him and the bartender even told him he needed to keep it down.  I wanted to crawl under my stool.  I wanted to leave but unfortunately we came in one car.  So, we decided to get some fresh air and walk along the marsh.  He jets out of the back of the restaurant and runs full speed down one of the boat ramps.  I finally catch up to him and look down to find him peeing in the water.  Tons of people were walking by and seriously, I wanted to die.  He comes flying up the boat ramp and knocks his head on a big piece of wooden railing.  I was sure he was going to have a concussion.  I had stopped drinking quite a long time before this—so you can only imagine how annoying this all was.  I somehow coaxed him to the car and told him I was going to bring him home.  I didn’t know where he lived so I told him he would need to give me directions.  He lived about 7 minutes away from the bar we were at.  He sent me taking lefts and rights down about 15 different roads and about an hour and a half later we reached his condo.  He slurred everything and was just vulgar the entire drive back to his house.  I parked the car and looked at him and said, “well see ya later”.  He leaned in for a kiss and I couldn’t have leaned back far enough.  He started yelling profanities at me calling me a stuckup bitch.  I just shook my head and said, “Well have a nice night, get the hell out of my car.”  He got out of the car and slammed the door as hard as possible.  I screeched out of the parking lot and couldn’t have gotten out of there any faster.  I don’t even know if he made it inside.  He could have ended up sleeping on the sidewalk for all I know.  What is funny though is that the next day I got a text message from him saying, “I had a blast last night.  We definetly should do that again.”  I responded with, “I think I am going to pass.”  ARE YOU SERIOUS?????

2)      I completely admit that I have been on dating sites and I have met a few guys from online.  It is never easy meeting people so I thought what the hell and according to statistics a significant amount of people meet their significant others online.  Well a few years back I had been talking to this guy (nope, I have no clue what his name is at this moment in time).  I didn’t rush meeting him at all.  We emailed back and forth online and then started talking on the phone.  It was nice because he seemed to be a really nice guy and by his pictures he was quite attractive.  DOUBLE BONUS!!  So, we spent many nights talking on the phone, getting to know more about each other.  We finally decided to meet up.  We lived about 20-25 minutes apart so we decided to meet at a middle ground area.  We decided to just get some appetizers and have a drink.  Just something small and simple.  So, we decided we would meet at the bottom of the stairs at hard rock Café and then walk over to a small bar called Stool Pigeons.  I arrived first.  So I am just standing there waiting playing with my phone.  I hear, “Diane?”  I look up and didn’t recognize the person.  I said, “Yes?” in a very questioning manner.  He said, “Hey, Im whatever his name was, how are you?”  I stood there shocked but tried to make sure that was not showing on my face.  He looked nothing like his picture.  He was balding in a very weird way and just had an awkward demeanor.  I am not trying to judge but seriously I was not expecting that.  Oh well, I was going to be open-minded.  So we walked into the bar and sat in a booth.  We just chit chatted about different things as the time passed.  I am sure my confusion had to be showing on my face.  I finally got up the nerve and said, ‘I don’t mean to be rude but you look nothing like your picture online.”  He sat there for a minute while staring at me and FINALLY said, “yea, that’s my brother, I didn’t think girls would like me so I put his picture on my profile.”  HE FAILED TO MENTION ANY OF THAT DURING THE SEVERAL WEEKS WE SPOKE BEFORE MEETING!!!  Talk about awkward and uncomfortable.  I stumbled for what to say next.  From then on I just couldn’t wait to get out of there.  He kept going on and on how good looking his brother is and how he knew no girls would like him and so on and so forth.  Yes, I believe in attraction but someone doesn’t need to be drop dead gorgeous for me to date them.  What they do have to be is HONEST.  He started talking about how honesty is the most important thing in a relationship.  This came from someone that told a HUGE lie right from the very beginning.  He wanted to go out again but I declined.  Do people seriously do stuff like that????

3)      I have several stories I could tell but I will leave this one as my last so far because I know this entry is getting quite long.  Maybe I will do a part 2 at some point since it is quite amusing to revisit these times.  I think I will just reread these anytime I am feeling bad about myself and say “Well at least I am not these people.”  Ok so here it goes.  I had a friend (not a close friend-more of an acquaintance) set me up on a blind date.  Well, numbers were actually exchanged first to see if we communicated well at all and then we could decide if we wanted to go out.  So, I had been talking to this guy (again, no clue what his name is) for about a week.  He sent me some pictures online and he was pretty attractive.  I mean he wasn’t run across the street and drool over hot but he definetly had something about him.  We talked about general stuff in our lives and he told me he had been in a 4 year relationship before.  I usually keep certain things in mind when dating.  He gave me a little bit of an impression that is was kind of the clingy, needy time-almost kind of possessive but I didn’t want to immediately read into anything because I have sabotaged myself doing that in the past.  So after we talked a few times and felt comfortable we decided to have dinner at Carrabas.  I was excited but nervous.  When he got there we said our hellos and did the awkard ass out hug.  When we were sitted this was when the flood gates opened.  This guy did not stop talking to even take a breath and the things he said made me want to go running for the hills.  He started out by telling me how interesting he thought I was.  He told me he knew I had a Myspace account, a Facebook account, a Twitter account (and he even mentioned I don’t tweet very often), he knew I banked at BB&T and he really liked my writings from my livejournal account.  I never shared ANY of this information with him.  After he finished spouting off my resume and life history I just looked at him and said, “Well, you are a stalker.”  I did not at all hide my annoyance or looks of thinking he was a total crazy person.  I wanted to just get up and leave but I didn’t want to be completely rude.  I, then found out, that him and his girlfriend of 4 (maybe 5) years had just broken up 3 weeks prior to this date.  They owned a business together and lived together.  He came home one day and all of her stuff was gone and so was she and he had no clue where she went and never heard from her again.  He told me he hacked into all of her (not theirs-hers) accounts to find out where she had been spending money.  The only thing he knew is she went back to Ohio (where she was originally from) and her and all of her immediate family members that he knew must have changed their phone numbers because all of them had been disconnected.  This story went on in descriptive detail for at least an hour and I could not get one word in to try to get out of this AWFUL situation.  After he FINALLY stopped talking I could not hold it in and just told him he was an absolute crazy person.  I am sure I was rude by this point but I felt fine with that because this guy stalked my whole life.  I told him that it would be in his best interest not to contact me again and to stay completely out of my business.  He looked at me like he could not understand why I would say those kind of things.  I wasn’t scared of him by any means.  It was very obvious that he was just very desparate and self-conscious.  He just pushed some serious limits and I knew if I wasn’t really blunt he would never go away.

Out of the three of these dates I am not sure which one tops the scales of being the absolute worst.  You may understand now where I am coming from when it deals with dating (according to my last blog entry).  I am sure I have not been a perfect date either but damn there are some wackjobs out there and I don’t understand why I keep attracting them.  It’s strange because they seem so normal at first.  I am not that good of an actress.  Although these were absolutely the epitomy of bad dates, they have kept my life very interesting.  I now have stories to tell my friends and family members to give them a good laugh and I can never say my love life has been boring.  I would love to hear some of my readers horrible date tales as well if you are willing to share.  :0)

Day 14 Question 14:

How would you describe the dating world at this current time?

Oh the dating world.  All I can say is that it is an absolute nightmare.  I can say that because I have been in this world for approximately 15+ years now and the chaos remains the same.  It has progressively become worse the older I have become.  I would like to stay positive and in a way I do.  I believe there is potential to meet someone amazing but if it happens I believe it will be completely out of the blue by a complete chance encounter.  I am a unique snowflake that someone will have to love for being eccentric in many ways.  I still look but I am very doubtful that I will find what I am looking for.  It has taken me a long time to realize what I want and what I need when it comes to relationships-whether they are family relationships, friendships or romantic relationships.  I have spent a majority of my years focusing on what I thought relationships were supposed to be.  We grow up learning that we are supposed to get to a certain age (maybe mid 20’s) and get married, settle down into a house and have baby #1 by age 30 if not sooner.  This seemed to be what the norm was and in a way continues to be.  Marriage and children are supposed to be the American dream.  Everyone should want this.  My life has never panned out to feel that I needed to follow this guideline.  I am really glad I haven’t too.  Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore children and I completely respect people that are married (well most-not all-I think some people get married for all of the wrong reasons sometimes) but like different things I never have felt an absolute need for these things.  I never felt like these things were going to complete me.  I may feel differently in time with my circumstances always changing but with my life experiences it seems like things have fallen into place accordingly and marriage and children have not been on the agenda for very good reasons.  I believe I would be an amazing wife and mother but I am not ready yet for those things because my focus in still on myself.  Some people may view that as selfish but I see it as working toward a better life for myself which ultimately affects everyone around me.

Surprise, surprise I have gone completely off topic.  Back to the dating world.  Ugh do we really have to???  Yes indeed we do because I know I have a whole lot to say about it and this might bring some insight as well as some potential for animation.  My dating life could definetly be compared to a circus.  I have dated such a wide variety of men and with some it is hard to believe people like that actually do exist.  I could tell a number of stories of my many dating fiascos…if he was a nutbag then I probably dated him.  From my experience and observation (reread that-from MY experience and observation) men nowadays have really become pathetic when it comes to dating/relationships.  No, I cannot say all are this way but I will say a far too large number of men are.  And, no I am not saying women are perfect, they are far from it.  I have just found that (through my experience) men put in absolutely no effort when it comes to dating a woman.  I don’t know how many times I have had a guy tell me to pick the place to go, not offer to pick me up and some that don’t even insist on paying on the first date.  Now, I realize this is 2012 and I am more than willing to pick up a tab when I am dating someone (it is nice to split things once in a while) but on a first date I do believe a man should be a gentleman and insist on picking up the bill.  I do admit to having a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to dating/relationships.  I can’t even count the number of people I know that have or are currently cheating on their significant others/wives/husbands.  I have never cheated on anyone.  I have been the person someone has cheated with and yes that was wrong but it was a long time ago and boy did I learn how wrong it was.  I am just a horrible liar and if I cheated I would give myself up in a heartbeat.  I don’t understand how it is so easy for some people to cheat.  I have been hit on by married men many of times and when I mentioned them being married they would have a variety of excuses.  I have heard, “What my wife doesn’t know won’t kill her,” “Eatin ain’t cheatin (yea that’s one of the classy ones)”, “We have been rocky for awhile now (mmm hmmmm I am sure you are-and even if this is the truth, that makes it ok to cheat?)”  It is disgusting.

In the past I was so desperate because I thought having a man in my life/a relationship was what would make me complete.  I was always searching for this reassurance and wanted someone there to fall back on.  So now that I am understanding that it is so important to not lose yourself when you are in a relationship, it is so interesting to watch others.  I am able to see how I once was.  I know a lot of people would disagree with this, but I believe a lot of people settle just to settle.  They think it is the next step and it is what is going to bring them the happiness that they have been longing for.  What I see happen is that people rush into relationships because they are feeling moments of loneliness and they start compromising who they are to fit who they think the other person wants them to be.  Ask yourself (if you are in a relationship), and I mean answer this truly and honestly, what do you need from another person and what do you want from another person in a relationship?  Ok, now that you have answered that, ask yourself, are these the things that I am getting out of my relationship (again, be 100% honest with yourself)?  Take a look at yourself and see how you have changed in the relationship you are currently in.  Are the changes positive?  I ask these questions because I think they are of the utmost importance.  As humans we seek security but sometimes we seek it in the wrong places and we settle in a moment of weakness.  Yes life is short but when you think about marriage, that is a lot of years (hopefully) that you are vowing to be with the other person.  What are you willing to compromise and what are you not?  Where to you both stand on certain issues?  Do you know how to handle each other’s emotions?  Do you believe you both communicate well?  Can you honestly and truly picture each and every day for the rest of your life with this person?  This is not pessimism.  These are the things I think about because dedicating my life to a marriage with another person and making promises to be with them through good and bad times is no small thing.  When I venture through life, sometimes my intuitions will tell me which couples will stay together and which will not.  I, also sense which couples stay together at of convenience.  Love is no small matter.  Love is everything.

So, as you can probably guess, I am pretty particular when it comes to dating.  Don’t get me wrong, I am pretty open-minded.  You never know who could turn your world upside-down but I am starting to no longer compromise and mold myself.  Honestly, because I am older and my values have changed so much, nothing irritates me more than meeting a guy and within the first few minutes or even first few days of knowing each other, sex becomes the topic of conversation.  I have been asked, “So, what is your favorite position?” within the first 30 minutes of knowing someone.  This might have been fun and exciting talk (not to mention naïve and ignorant talk) at the age of 21 but I am 33 years old.  If you are looking to get laid on date 1 then you are barking up the wrong tree.  I am far from perfect and my past track record for dating is not all that impressive but nowadays I do believe I am a catch but the fishermen I guess are looking for something else.  I wonder what that is exactly?  Some people have said that I am too serious and just need to relax and I need to do this or that on a date but I just have a hard time doing any of that because that is not me.  Dating coaches tell women and men what they have to do to win the hearts of others.  Some of these people go through drastic transformations and change who they are completely.  Maybe I am confused but how many times do we hear people say, if someone is going to love you they need to love you for you.  Well when someone is molding you to be something else in order to impress the opposite sex where do YOU go?  YOU get pushed to the back burner because you are being told that you are not good enough or your qualities and mannerisms are not appealing enough.  Dating articles, dating coaches, reality shows are so damaging because they take away all sense of being genuine.  The dating pool is hard enough to swim in alone without all of the pirrahana chasing us forcing us in one direction or another.

So, to answer this question, I absolutely HATE the dating scene.  It is stressful and depressing and sad and exhausting.  It shouldn’t be that way but nowadays it is.  It has become such a game with so many rules and I am just tired of playing.  I know love is not an immediate thing but getting to know someone and spending time with them should not require jumping through a million hoops or sacrificing who you are just to please another person.  Yes, I am jaded but I am honest because I have learned so much about myself and who I no longer want to be.  Dating has become lazy and superficial and I am neither of those things.  It is rare for me to find someone that stimulates me the way I need it.  I am not insulting anyone.  I find many people interesting.  When it comes to a romantic, intimate relationship I have yet to find someone that is able to give me what I need.  I need a lot of mental stimulation and someone that challenges me constantly.  Someone that can hold my attention and make me want to talk to them for an endless amount of time.  Someone that can guide me to a different world that I have never experienced.  I don’t know where to find this kind of person and I am just too tired to keep looking.  If we are meant to be together our paths will collide at some point.  There are days that I do get really sad and wonder what is wrong with me and I tear myself apart.  I can sometimes believe that I am not good enough or pretty enough or appealing enough.  I hate days like that.  I do believe, however, that the right person (and I mean the right person-not the person I might think it right) will make all of that disappear without me realizing it because a real relationship is not at all based on the physical aspect of life.  It is so much deeper than that.

This entry was pretty jumbled after rereading it.  I did answer for the question for the most part but I also took a lot of detours.  I have a lot of strong opinions and thoughts when it comes to these subjects: love, dating, relationships, commitment, etc.  I have been on a slew of horrible dates—now that would be a fun blog entry ;0)  I have also been on good ones that just never went anywhere-they obviously weren’t meant to.  Even through this rant and some pessimistic thoughts thrown out there, I still believe in love more than anything in this world.  I say this though because I believe that I am one of the few lucky ones that knows what love truly is.  I may not have experienced this love in all forms but I know what it is.  I wish it is something I could explain but love really isn’t something you can put into words easily.  It’s a feeling.  You know it when you feel it.  I hope to experience greater amounts of love over time because that is all that is truly important.  🙂

Day 13 Question 13:

How far have you come?

Lucky #13.  I went back and forth about a million times on what question to answer today.  I want to make sure I keep this blog diverse.  I, generally look for inspiration in everyday.  I want to allow people to get to know me but I also want to discuss topics that other people find important and would like hearing others opinions on.  I was revisiting old writings and I was re-reading and looking at the person I was in days past.  I wanted to share an old writing because I look at the person that wrote it and I know longer want to be that person.  I really don’t think I am anymore…well at least most days I don’t think I am.  I wanted to share this particular past writing because I know it is relatable to people.  I never thought I would be one of those people that cared so much about what other people thought but it turns out I am.  So here it goes:

I get so frustrated that I try so hard with people (especially with guys-in a dating situation) because I am insecure.  I push and I push and I push.  I have this overwhelming desire for love and acceptance/approval and it makes me push people, and ask for constant reassurance.  I wonder even if I got these things from people if I would even be aware of it or accept it.  What the fuck is that all about?  Ugh, I know I would be annoyed if someone did that to me.  I am always in a conflicted state because I am aware of my insecurity and would really like to get to the root of where it came from but in the same, if I figured it out would it really matter?  I mean, shouldn’t I focus on moving forward from here?  In all honesty I am angry about this.  I know I have this amazing heart and want to share it with others but I feel so unbalanced with my thoughts and emotions.  It seems very unfair.  I guess this would be why I am seeking help.  I am CONSTANTLY  thinking and worrying about what other people think about me.  I worry that people I care about, that I have opened up to, are going to leave me in some way or another.  Why is that?  What has made my mind believe that what others think about everything I do is so important?  Shouldn’t I be the main source of approval for myself?   It is so embarrassing to be like this.  I am in a constant state of wanting to apologize to people for the way that I am (well those that I truly share myself with).  I should never have to apologize for who I am.  It seems like it goes against all laws of nature.  Should I not date because of this?  People have told me to focus on myself but that is what I have been doing for the last 4+ years…actually my whole life.  I am to the point of exhaustion of constantly self-analyzing and self-criticizing.  Yes, I want to learn the lessons and have the experiences but I want to not feel the doubt throughout the process that everything will eventually fall apart.  I want to feel and believe that what is meant to be will be.  I think this is where my past comes into my present.  This is where I would like to get to the source of where my worry comes from.  I believe it has to be something from my early childhood because I still remember starting school at a very young age (kindergarten, 1st grade, 2nd grade, etc.) and crying for the first 2 days strictly from being nervous.  I was out of my comfort zone and I feared getting in trouble and worried what the teachers and other kids were going to think about me.  I sought approval even then.  But I guess I have never really figured out what approval really is.  In writing this, I am realizing that I don’t know the definitions to a lot of things.  I mean there are dictionary definitions, but what are my definitions.  Such words that keep jumping off the page and through my mind are: approval, reassurance, happiness, success, love, etc.  I am starting to believe that these are words and concepts that I must define myself and have faith in.  I know how I feel and how I think so if I define them in my own manner, it says to me that I have faith in these things in a certain way.  In life there is always room for compromise but I am starting to wonder if I have compromised too much in certain areas and have neglected how I feel in order to satisfy others?  Its not easy to see that I may have done/am still doing this but with that, I guess that would be why I constantly self-reflect.  It’s a process of figuring myself out.  Hence, why I write.  It is easier to put the words onto paper than to always speak them clearly.  So let me take this moment to define the words I just mentioned in the way that I see them in my head.  The problem is, I may define them but I do not necessarily believe or practice what I define.  There is the contradiction in and of itself.   Again, hence why I am seeking help.  I want to get to a place of balance.

Approval:  Having others see me in a positive light.  Having them see all of the good things about me.

Reassurance:  People telling me the good things about myself and letting me know I am not crazy or a complete wackjob.  Knowing I am wanted and needed (but this gets tricky because people may tell me this but I may not always believe it…again, a source of the problem).

Happiness: A sense of confidence and belief in oneself in all aspects.  Seeing the beauty in the world through good and even bad times and being able to truly see it as a lesson and something positive.

Success:  Achieving happiness (as defined above)

Love (in the manner of a couple): The sharing of 2 lives in which there isn’t judgment.  There will not always be understanding but there is acceptance.  Love is a feeling between 2 people in which they “crave” each other in many ways: they crave to learn more about each other, they crave to feel each other physically, they crave to share experiences together,  they crave to teach each other new things and share their thoughts, morals and values with each other.  Love is wanting to help someone through hard times and not make them feel bad but instead try to build them up.  Love is something where 2 people can live without each other but they don’t want to.  Love is being able to appreciate someone in a way and look at them in a way that you know you will never see another person that way and you never want that feeling to go away.  Love is heartache and misunderstanding that makes both parties stronger.  Love is communicating who you are because you want the other person to do the same so you can understand each other more all of the time.  Love is sharing your past life and craving a future life together.  Love is feeling comfortable with yourself when you are with this other person because you know that is all they want for you.  Love is wanting the other person to be just as happy as you crave to be.  Love is feeling the other person’s happiness as well as their sadness, their hurt and their pain.  Love is wanting to take away a person’s sadness, pain or heartache away because you care so deeply for this person.  Love is seeing something in someone that you can’t quite explain but it makes your heart skip a beat and you get excited each and everytime you seem them.  Love is faith in yourself as well as faith in another person.  These two faiths come together to build an unbreakable force.  Love is another person driving you to better your life and reach your goals without even knowing that they are doing that.  Love is uncontrollable laughter.  Love is tears.

What Good Things Do I Truly Believe About Myself?

1)         This thought comes and goes but I know it to be 100% True-I am an absolutely beautiful soul that has an extreme amount of passion that strives for bettering myself constantly as well as helping others in their time of need.

2)         I am compassionate and empathetic in a lot of situations (not all but a lot)

3)         I am very smart in many subjects

4)         When I love people, I love them with all that I have

5)         I am not shallow.  I try my hardest to see the world through others eyes as much as I possibly can.

6)         I am extremely self aware

7)         Although I do not want them I see the beauty and wonder in children and have a strong focus and dedication to early childhood development

What Things Do I Have a Hard Time With/Make Me Not Believe in Myself:

1)         I am constantly worried what others are thinking about me and this makes me self conscious and constantly anxious

2)         I do not have self-confidence…or at least I am not in tune with it enough to put it out to the world and to myself.

3)         I am overly-critical about my body and the way I look-even though I am constantly improving myself

4)         I work hard but a lot of the times it is to please others instead of please myself.

5)         I am unsure of what I am looking for out of life whether it comes to my career, love life, location, etc.  Just very scattered in figuring out my path.

6)         I am tooooo self aware and see flaws and faults before the good

7)         I am constantly waiting for dooms day in most situations-always expecting the worst to happen

8)         Sometimes I say and do things trying to convince other people when in truth I am trying to convince myself

I was
going to answer the question: What makes you, you? today and in a way I guess I did.  This way of thinking is what makes me, me.  On the surface there may be simplicity to other people but on the inside there is no simplicity.  I am constantly observing and wanting more.  The road has not always been easily traveled but it definetly has been an amazing journey.  I sit here now, months after I wrote this original free-write and I see how different I am now.  I still feel the same way in some areas but I believe I am stronger and I believe in hope in a different way.  The way I think and feel is a choice like I mentioned in the last entry.  When you tell yourself that and really start believing it you start living it.  For all of my life I have been controlled by so many things and to this day I am not always sure how to respond or react to things and I experience discomfort in different situations but I am more aware of myself and know who I am.  I will have ups and downs in life and I will stumble upon a bunch of different mistakes but I realize that is life and that is what makes everything so special.  It is me who controls my own destiny.  You (the reader) control yours as well.  Knowing that, my question is, are you allowing your life to control you or are you controlling your life?  It is the latter that you should strive for because when you are in control it is amazing to think about the brilliance you can create in the world.

What is the biggest cause of unhappiness?

Do you ever just want to scream at the top of your lungs because your head is so full of thoughts and there is so much you don’t understand and you are pretty sure you never will?  It is so maddening but so beautiful all at the same time.  When you start accepting life for what it is and your feelings for what they are you really start to live.  My thoughts are all over the map everyday and sometimes I want to cut my head off and try to dump some of those thoughts out so I can have a moment of silence and stillness.  But if I did that then I would no longer be me.  Although the insane number of thoughts can be overwhelming they are a part of who I am.  They are my character.  Life really is like a movie that each of us plays a role in.  We experience all of the emotions and some of these emotions are harder to work through than others but I am starting to learn that once you start accepting and truly feeling those emotions your feelings of guilt and sorrow start to fade because you realize that it is these feelings that make you one of a kind, your own unique individual.  No one in the whole wide world is going to feel exactly how you feel ever.  There may be similarities but until they crawl into your skin and become your thoughts and emotions they will never know exactly what you feel and they are unable to say they feel the exact same way.  That thought is pretty wonderful but really scary as well.  It gives us our own individuality but in the same you are unsure if anyone is truly able to understand or relate to you.  In a sense you really are all alone in this world.  It’s a test.  A test of your own strength.  I believe it is part of the purpose.  In a kind of crazy way, it really is survival of the fittest.

As you can see from most of my blogs, I usually ramble my jumbled thoughts in the first paragraph.  Sometimes I write my thoughts so spontaneously because they are itching to get out of me.  I think my last few sentences are the reason most people live in long, drawn out states of unhappiness.  I think people are living in a state of fear.  We really do live in a society where we are unsure who to be anymore.  Fear is everywhere.  Take a moment to think about the things you fear.  Now think about where that fear originated.  Most likely, someone or some outside source instilled this fear in you because of their own fears.  We want certain things but we are afraid of failure or afraid of getting hurt and we internally beat ourselves up because of these fears.  I cannot speak for all people obviously, but how many times throughout your life have you questioned yourself or been upset because you felt like you were not good enough for some reason or another?  I really believe unhappiness comes from an outside source that is brought within ourselves.  Society has moved at such a rapid pace and we are all racing to keep up with the trends and what society is telling us is the way to be.  This is why I have issues with government.  I am not saying either way what I believe in.  I just cannot understand why certain groups are elected to determine how we should be as a whole.  Why are their thoughts and opinions right overall.  We are this big cultural melting pot that people are constantly trying to mold into one big robot.  People are unable to be themselves anymore because of so many rules and regulations.  I am working on my Masters in the Counseling field and the amount of red tape there is is absolutely insane.  My goal is just to tell people to be themselves and find themselves and still there are issues with that method.  How in the world are there issues and regulations on striving to someone to find themselves and embrace that person.  There is red tape everywhere and I think, without even knowing it, people are unhappy because they feel very limited in life.  Those that go out there and do their own thing are considered weird and odd.  I have met artists of so many forms that are expressing themselves in various ways.  It has been so obvious they love their art (whatever form it may be) and that is their way of getting their emotions out of them and sharing with the world.  In the same I have seen so many of these people criticized and called crazy and eccentric (not that that is an insult).  It seems that even when people try to be themselves they are judged and interrogated by the world.

These are the things I think about day in and day out.  I enjoy life and I love learning.  I love meeting random people and trying to learn their stories.  I love hearing about how people have overcame obstacles because it gives me hope that I can overcome mine.  My fears are what have made me unhappy at certain points in my life but for the first time I am getting a grip on these fears and facing them head on.  I have heard several times that after doing something for 21 days it becomes a habit (I don’t know whether this ever works when it comes to working out-hahaha).  I have been so focused on taking on a new perspective and opening up my mind to things that are so different.  I, honestly, feel changed as a person.  It is a strange feeling because I no longer can feel the person who I was before.  The person I was before seems almost like someone else.  There is no way that person could have been me.  Both of these people have had great fun in life and have really taken so much in but I really like the person I am now.  Instead of internally bashing myself for every little thing I do wrong or not fitting some mold, I embrace who I am because I am starting to learn there is no one else in charge of my thoughts but me.  I once read a quote that said “If you talked to your friends the way you talk to yourself sometimes, would they want to be friends with you?”  I held onto that because at the time I read that I knew immediately that the answer was no.  Unhappiness really is a choice.  There may be times (someone dies, a relationship ends, losing a job) that it is so overwhelming and you will experience unhappiness and that is completely ok but it is still a choice.  You can choose how long you want to be unhappy for.  Is an unhappy person who you really are?  If you answered yes to that question, I now ask why you would want to live that kind of life?  What is the benefit in that at all?  These are the things that I have to remind myself everyday when I am feeling like the world is against me.  The only person that controls me is me.  If I choose to be unhappy I cannot blame anyone or anything else for that.

Even in your darkest times, there is happiness available to you every minute of everyday in some form.  You just need to find it and hold onto it.  Will it always be easy?  Absolutely not.  Will you not be able to do it some days or even through lengths of time?  You bet.  But the fact still remains that happiness is a part of you.  It is and always will be your choice to feel it.  Happiness is the bliss that lives inside of you that sometimes gets pushed deep down.  I believe that if each of us focused on this then we could potentially see this world change.  The problem is that is would take work and this is a different kind of work that people are used to.  It all comes down to deciding what you want.  A life of unhappiness or a life of happiness and bliss?  The choice is yours! :0)