Day 13 Question 13:
How far have you come?
Lucky #13. I went back and forth about a million times on what question to answer today. I want to make sure I keep this blog diverse. I, generally look for inspiration in everyday. I want to allow people to get to know me but I also want to discuss topics that other people find important and would like hearing others opinions on. I was revisiting old writings and I was re-reading and looking at the person I was in days past. I wanted to share an old writing because I look at the person that wrote it and I know longer want to be that person. I really don’t think I am anymore…well at least most days I don’t think I am. I wanted to share this particular past writing because I know it is relatable to people. I never thought I would be one of those people that cared so much about what other people thought but it turns out I am. So here it goes:
I get so frustrated that I try so hard with people (especially with guys-in a dating situation) because I am insecure. I push and I push and I push. I have this overwhelming desire for love and acceptance/approval and it makes me push people, and ask for constant reassurance. I wonder even if I got these things from people if I would even be aware of it or accept it. What the fuck is that all about? Ugh, I know I would be annoyed if someone did that to me. I am always in a conflicted state because I am aware of my insecurity and would really like to get to the root of where it came from but in the same, if I figured it out would it really matter? I mean, shouldn’t I focus on moving forward from here? In all honesty I am angry about this. I know I have this amazing heart and want to share it with others but I feel so unbalanced with my thoughts and emotions. It seems very unfair. I guess this would be why I am seeking help. I am CONSTANTLY thinking and worrying about what other people think about me. I worry that people I care about, that I have opened up to, are going to leave me in some way or another. Why is that? What has made my mind believe that what others think about everything I do is so important? Shouldn’t I be the main source of approval for myself? It is so embarrassing to be like this. I am in a constant state of wanting to apologize to people for the way that I am (well those that I truly share myself with). I should never have to apologize for who I am. It seems like it goes against all laws of nature. Should I not date because of this? People have told me to focus on myself but that is what I have been doing for the last 4+ years…actually my whole life. I am to the point of exhaustion of constantly self-analyzing and self-criticizing. Yes, I want to learn the lessons and have the experiences but I want to not feel the doubt throughout the process that everything will eventually fall apart. I want to feel and believe that what is meant to be will be. I think this is where my past comes into my present. This is where I would like to get to the source of where my worry comes from. I believe it has to be something from my early childhood because I still remember starting school at a very young age (kindergarten, 1st grade, 2nd grade, etc.) and crying for the first 2 days strictly from being nervous. I was out of my comfort zone and I feared getting in trouble and worried what the teachers and other kids were going to think about me. I sought approval even then. But I guess I have never really figured out what approval really is. In writing this, I am realizing that I don’t know the definitions to a lot of things. I mean there are dictionary definitions, but what are my definitions. Such words that keep jumping off the page and through my mind are: approval, reassurance, happiness, success, love, etc. I am starting to believe that these are words and concepts that I must define myself and have faith in. I know how I feel and how I think so if I define them in my own manner, it says to me that I have faith in these things in a certain way. In life there is always room for compromise but I am starting to wonder if I have compromised too much in certain areas and have neglected how I feel in order to satisfy others? Its not easy to see that I may have done/am still doing this but with that, I guess that would be why I constantly self-reflect. It’s a process of figuring myself out. Hence, why I write. It is easier to put the words onto paper than to always speak them clearly. So let me take this moment to define the words I just mentioned in the way that I see them in my head. The problem is, I may define them but I do not necessarily believe or practice what I define. There is the contradiction in and of itself. Again, hence why I am seeking help. I want to get to a place of balance.
Approval: Having others see me in a positive light. Having them see all of the good things about me.
Reassurance: People telling me the good things about myself and letting me know I am not crazy or a complete wackjob. Knowing I am wanted and needed (but this gets tricky because people may tell me this but I may not always believe it…again, a source of the problem).
Happiness: A sense of confidence and belief in oneself in all aspects. Seeing the beauty in the world through good and even bad times and being able to truly see it as a lesson and something positive.
Success: Achieving happiness (as defined above)
Love (in the manner of a couple): The sharing of 2 lives in which there isn’t judgment. There will not always be understanding but there is acceptance. Love is a feeling between 2 people in which they “crave” each other in many ways: they crave to learn more about each other, they crave to feel each other physically, they crave to share experiences together, they crave to teach each other new things and share their thoughts, morals and values with each other. Love is wanting to help someone through hard times and not make them feel bad but instead try to build them up. Love is something where 2 people can live without each other but they don’t want to. Love is being able to appreciate someone in a way and look at them in a way that you know you will never see another person that way and you never want that feeling to go away. Love is heartache and misunderstanding that makes both parties stronger. Love is communicating who you are because you want the other person to do the same so you can understand each other more all of the time. Love is sharing your past life and craving a future life together. Love is feeling comfortable with yourself when you are with this other person because you know that is all they want for you. Love is wanting the other person to be just as happy as you crave to be. Love is feeling the other person’s happiness as well as their sadness, their hurt and their pain. Love is wanting to take away a person’s sadness, pain or heartache away because you care so deeply for this person. Love is seeing something in someone that you can’t quite explain but it makes your heart skip a beat and you get excited each and everytime you seem them. Love is faith in yourself as well as faith in another person. These two faiths come together to build an unbreakable force. Love is another person driving you to better your life and reach your goals without even knowing that they are doing that. Love is uncontrollable laughter. Love is tears.
What Good Things Do I Truly Believe About Myself?
1) This thought comes and goes but I know it to be 100% True-I am an absolutely beautiful soul that has an extreme amount of passion that strives for bettering myself constantly as well as helping others in their time of need.
2) I am compassionate and empathetic in a lot of situations (not all but a lot)
3) I am very smart in many subjects
4) When I love people, I love them with all that I have
5) I am not shallow. I try my hardest to see the world through others eyes as much as I possibly can.
6) I am extremely self aware
7) Although I do not want them I see the beauty and wonder in children and have a strong focus and dedication to early childhood development
What Things Do I Have a Hard Time With/Make Me Not Believe in Myself:
1) I am constantly worried what others are thinking about me and this makes me self conscious and constantly anxious
2) I do not have self-confidence…or at least I am not in tune with it enough to put it out to the world and to myself.
3) I am overly-critical about my body and the way I look-even though I am constantly improving myself
4) I work hard but a lot of the times it is to please others instead of please myself.
5) I am unsure of what I am looking for out of life whether it comes to my career, love life, location, etc. Just very scattered in figuring out my path.
6) I am tooooo self aware and see flaws and faults before the good
7) I am constantly waiting for dooms day in most situations-always expecting the worst to happen
8) Sometimes I say and do things trying to convince other people when in truth I am trying to convince myself
going to answer the question: What makes you, you? today and in a way I guess I did. This way of thinking is what makes me, me. On the surface there may be simplicity to other people but on the inside there is no simplicity. I am constantly observing and wanting more. The road has not always been easily traveled but it definetly has been an amazing journey. I sit here now, months after I wrote this original free-write and I see how different I am now. I still feel the same way in some areas but I believe I am stronger and I believe in hope in a different way. The way I think and feel is a choice like I mentioned in the last entry. When you tell yourself that and really start believing it you start living it. For all of my life I have been controlled by so many things and to this day I am not always sure how to respond or react to things and I experience discomfort in different situations but I am more aware of myself and know who I am. I will have ups and downs in life and I will stumble upon a bunch of different mistakes but I realize that is life and that is what makes everything so special. It is me who controls my own destiny. You (the reader) control yours as well. Knowing that, my question is, are you allowing your life to control you or are you controlling your life? It is the latter that you should strive for because when you are in control it is amazing to think about the brilliance you can create in the world.