Day 14 Question 14:
How would you describe the dating world at this current time?
Oh the dating world. All I can say is that it is an absolute nightmare. I can say that because I have been in this world for approximately 15+ years now and the chaos remains the same. It has progressively become worse the older I have become. I would like to stay positive and in a way I do. I believe there is potential to meet someone amazing but if it happens I believe it will be completely out of the blue by a complete chance encounter. I am a unique snowflake that someone will have to love for being eccentric in many ways. I still look but I am very doubtful that I will find what I am looking for. It has taken me a long time to realize what I want and what I need when it comes to relationships-whether they are family relationships, friendships or romantic relationships. I have spent a majority of my years focusing on what I thought relationships were supposed to be. We grow up learning that we are supposed to get to a certain age (maybe mid 20’s) and get married, settle down into a house and have baby #1 by age 30 if not sooner. This seemed to be what the norm was and in a way continues to be. Marriage and children are supposed to be the American dream. Everyone should want this. My life has never panned out to feel that I needed to follow this guideline. I am really glad I haven’t too. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore children and I completely respect people that are married (well most-not all-I think some people get married for all of the wrong reasons sometimes) but like different things I never have felt an absolute need for these things. I never felt like these things were going to complete me. I may feel differently in time with my circumstances always changing but with my life experiences it seems like things have fallen into place accordingly and marriage and children have not been on the agenda for very good reasons. I believe I would be an amazing wife and mother but I am not ready yet for those things because my focus in still on myself. Some people may view that as selfish but I see it as working toward a better life for myself which ultimately affects everyone around me.
Surprise, surprise I have gone completely off topic. Back to the dating world. Ugh do we really have to??? Yes indeed we do because I know I have a whole lot to say about it and this might bring some insight as well as some potential for animation. My dating life could definetly be compared to a circus. I have dated such a wide variety of men and with some it is hard to believe people like that actually do exist. I could tell a number of stories of my many dating fiascos…if he was a nutbag then I probably dated him. From my experience and observation (reread that-from MY experience and observation) men nowadays have really become pathetic when it comes to dating/relationships. No, I cannot say all are this way but I will say a far too large number of men are. And, no I am not saying women are perfect, they are far from it. I have just found that (through my experience) men put in absolutely no effort when it comes to dating a woman. I don’t know how many times I have had a guy tell me to pick the place to go, not offer to pick me up and some that don’t even insist on paying on the first date. Now, I realize this is 2012 and I am more than willing to pick up a tab when I am dating someone (it is nice to split things once in a while) but on a first date I do believe a man should be a gentleman and insist on picking up the bill. I do admit to having a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to dating/relationships. I can’t even count the number of people I know that have or are currently cheating on their significant others/wives/husbands. I have never cheated on anyone. I have been the person someone has cheated with and yes that was wrong but it was a long time ago and boy did I learn how wrong it was. I am just a horrible liar and if I cheated I would give myself up in a heartbeat. I don’t understand how it is so easy for some people to cheat. I have been hit on by married men many of times and when I mentioned them being married they would have a variety of excuses. I have heard, “What my wife doesn’t know won’t kill her,” “Eatin ain’t cheatin (yea that’s one of the classy ones)”, “We have been rocky for awhile now (mmm hmmmm I am sure you are-and even if this is the truth, that makes it ok to cheat?)” It is disgusting.
In the past I was so desperate because I thought having a man in my life/a relationship was what would make me complete. I was always searching for this reassurance and wanted someone there to fall back on. So now that I am understanding that it is so important to not lose yourself when you are in a relationship, it is so interesting to watch others. I am able to see how I once was. I know a lot of people would disagree with this, but I believe a lot of people settle just to settle. They think it is the next step and it is what is going to bring them the happiness that they have been longing for. What I see happen is that people rush into relationships because they are feeling moments of loneliness and they start compromising who they are to fit who they think the other person wants them to be. Ask yourself (if you are in a relationship), and I mean answer this truly and honestly, what do you need from another person and what do you want from another person in a relationship? Ok, now that you have answered that, ask yourself, are these the things that I am getting out of my relationship (again, be 100% honest with yourself)? Take a look at yourself and see how you have changed in the relationship you are currently in. Are the changes positive? I ask these questions because I think they are of the utmost importance. As humans we seek security but sometimes we seek it in the wrong places and we settle in a moment of weakness. Yes life is short but when you think about marriage, that is a lot of years (hopefully) that you are vowing to be with the other person. What are you willing to compromise and what are you not? Where to you both stand on certain issues? Do you know how to handle each other’s emotions? Do you believe you both communicate well? Can you honestly and truly picture each and every day for the rest of your life with this person? This is not pessimism. These are the things I think about because dedicating my life to a marriage with another person and making promises to be with them through good and bad times is no small thing. When I venture through life, sometimes my intuitions will tell me which couples will stay together and which will not. I, also sense which couples stay together at of convenience. Love is no small matter. Love is everything.
So, as you can probably guess, I am pretty particular when it comes to dating. Don’t get me wrong, I am pretty open-minded. You never know who could turn your world upside-down but I am starting to no longer compromise and mold myself. Honestly, because I am older and my values have changed so much, nothing irritates me more than meeting a guy and within the first few minutes or even first few days of knowing each other, sex becomes the topic of conversation. I have been asked, “So, what is your favorite position?” within the first 30 minutes of knowing someone. This might have been fun and exciting talk (not to mention naïve and ignorant talk) at the age of 21 but I am 33 years old. If you are looking to get laid on date 1 then you are barking up the wrong tree. I am far from perfect and my past track record for dating is not all that impressive but nowadays I do believe I am a catch but the fishermen I guess are looking for something else. I wonder what that is exactly? Some people have said that I am too serious and just need to relax and I need to do this or that on a date but I just have a hard time doing any of that because that is not me. Dating coaches tell women and men what they have to do to win the hearts of others. Some of these people go through drastic transformations and change who they are completely. Maybe I am confused but how many times do we hear people say, if someone is going to love you they need to love you for you. Well when someone is molding you to be something else in order to impress the opposite sex where do YOU go? YOU get pushed to the back burner because you are being told that you are not good enough or your qualities and mannerisms are not appealing enough. Dating articles, dating coaches, reality shows are so damaging because they take away all sense of being genuine. The dating pool is hard enough to swim in alone without all of the pirrahana chasing us forcing us in one direction or another.
So, to answer this question, I absolutely HATE the dating scene. It is stressful and depressing and sad and exhausting. It shouldn’t be that way but nowadays it is. It has become such a game with so many rules and I am just tired of playing. I know love is not an immediate thing but getting to know someone and spending time with them should not require jumping through a million hoops or sacrificing who you are just to please another person. Yes, I am jaded but I am honest because I have learned so much about myself and who I no longer want to be. Dating has become lazy and superficial and I am neither of those things. It is rare for me to find someone that stimulates me the way I need it. I am not insulting anyone. I find many people interesting. When it comes to a romantic, intimate relationship I have yet to find someone that is able to give me what I need. I need a lot of mental stimulation and someone that challenges me constantly. Someone that can hold my attention and make me want to talk to them for an endless amount of time. Someone that can guide me to a different world that I have never experienced. I don’t know where to find this kind of person and I am just too tired to keep looking. If we are meant to be together our paths will collide at some point. There are days that I do get really sad and wonder what is wrong with me and I tear myself apart. I can sometimes believe that I am not good enough or pretty enough or appealing enough. I hate days like that. I do believe, however, that the right person (and I mean the right person-not the person I might think it right) will make all of that disappear without me realizing it because a real relationship is not at all based on the physical aspect of life. It is so much deeper than that.
This entry was pretty jumbled after rereading it. I did answer for the question for the most part but I also took a lot of detours. I have a lot of strong opinions and thoughts when it comes to these subjects: love, dating, relationships, commitment, etc. I have been on a slew of horrible dates—now that would be a fun blog entry ;0) I have also been on good ones that just never went anywhere-they obviously weren’t meant to. Even through this rant and some pessimistic thoughts thrown out there, I still believe in love more than anything in this world. I say this though because I believe that I am one of the few lucky ones that knows what love truly is. I may not have experienced this love in all forms but I know what it is. I wish it is something I could explain but love really isn’t something you can put into words easily. It’s a feeling. You know it when you feel it. I hope to experience greater amounts of love over time because that is all that is truly important. 🙂