Day 20 Question 20:

What do women want?

Oh it is the age old question that all men want to know.  You better get cozy if you are reading this because I am about to blow your mind with my wisdom ;0)  Obviously, I only speak from my opinions and experiences.  I have to reiterate that in every blog so people don’t fly off the handle.  I do believe I have a pretty good grasp on things and I do think with some of the things I might share in this blog that a lot of women will say things like, “Oh I’m not like that” or “No way” but I think if they truly evaluate themselves and are completely honest they will find a lot of what I am saying to be truth.

As all of my blogs are, this one will probably be all over the place.  That is what keeps them interesting right?  I would like to say there is only one answer to this question but let’s face it, when it comes to women is there ever only one answer?  Women want an assortment of things.  Although people always state that men and women are so different I don’t think a lot of people truly understand that.  Men are more simplistic creatures (again general statement-so if you were ready to debate just get your panties our of a wad boys and take a breath) and they tend to accept things easily.  Women think with their emotions…yes I said it women and you know it’s the truth (so you can take a deep breath too).  We tend to evaluate a lot of situations and make them complex.  I am not stating that this is a bad thing.  It is just a fact.  So, when you think about it, it can be somewhat difficult for a man’s world and a woman’s world to collide.  I can only speak from the woman’s perspective because that is all I know.  I may make observations about a male’s perspective but there is no set fact because I do not have first-hand knowledge or experience.

When it comes to dating/men/relationships, women want a variety of things.  What every woman truly wants is to feel wanted.  No, not in a needy sense but in a sense in which a man shows her his attention and it is obvious he wants to be doing so.  A woman wants respect.  I don’t understand why relationships have become so complicated these days.  It really should be easy but unfortunately communication is being lost and honesty is becoming a thing of the past.  I am not saying that what a woman wants is more important than what a man minds.  I am just lending my insights.  I guess the easiest way is to speak directly for myself (because I think a lot of women would completely relate and would have the same thoughts).

When it comes to women, as much as we hate to admit it, a lot of us are die-hard romantics.  We do want the fairytale.  We do want to the prince to come on his white horse and rescue us.  We do, however, realize that these are called fairytales for a reason.  I have spent years reading about What Men Want and reading the Do’s and Don’ts of Dating.  The one book that just sends me over the edge is He’s Just Not That Into You.  Seriously, it is a book dedicated to all of the things women are doing wrong.  It basically implied that men are in control.  Yea, maybe I am just a huge feminist but that just doesn’t work for me.  Give me a fucking break (excuse the swear but I felt it was necessary).  We are living in a time where texting has taken over the world and people are meeting online left and right.  We have been overtaken by reality TV and have all of these images and portrayals of how we are supposed to be whether it be trends, looks-wise, how we are supposed to act on dates, what to say or not say-the list goes on and on.  One book says a man should wait 3 days to call then another book says this is 2012 and women should step up to the plate-men like an aggressive woman.  See why it is all so confusing?  I want a lot of things when it comes to a significant other but I realize the chances of me getting all of those things are probably slim to none.  The main thing I want though is a best friend.  I really believe this is what all women want when it comes down to it.  I feel awkward and strange around a lot of people because I am unsure of how to read them or what their personality types are.  When I meet people that I feel that immediate comfort with those are the ones I hold on tight to.  I know those are the people that are meant to be in my life.  This is what I want in a companion, a lover, a significant other.  I want someone that I can spend endless nights with having conversations that do not end.  I know, I know doesn’t everyone want that?  Of course everyone wants that but how often does that really happen?  In the quest to find our “soulmate” we tend to forget what is important to us and what we truly want and need in a relationship.  See what I mean when I say women are complex?  It may be a lot to handle sometimes but it really is what makes us beautiful.

I hate nowadays how often I hear men complain about women being needy.  Don’t get me wrong, I have witnessed it, (and probably have done it myself) some women are far too needy.  But some men really have no idea what is going on.  A woman is just really trying to show you that she wants your attention because she is into you and cares about you.  If you are into her why would you not show her that?  What is defined as needy anyways?  Is she needy because she wants to plan a date with you?  Is she needy because she wants to spend time with you?  Is she needy because she texts or calls you because she wants to talk to you?  Call me stupid, but those things seem to be a compliment.  Why is there a constant game of cat and mouse going on?  Again, I realize some women go overboard but it comes down to it that women are usually trying to impress a guy.  We want to show to you that we care.  We are trying to do the right things.  It seems though that it backfires far too often.  Women hope that these types of actions will be reciprocated.  Bluntly, if someone cares about someone else these actions should be reciprocated without question.  Ask yourself what is it about this other person I really like?  Then ask yourself, what would be holding me back from seeing/dating/pursuing/being with this person?  If you come up with a bunch of different answers then it is obvious this is not the person for you or you are not ready to be involved at all.  Ask yourself now if you are just making excuses.  Then followup that up with asking yourself why you are making a bunch of excuses?  Really, what are you afraid of?

Ok so let me give you MY list of what I need in a relationship and then I will give you my list of wants-some might overlap…

Needs:

1)      Someone extremely kind and caring

2)      Someone intelligent than can keep me intrigued and stimulated.  I love to ask questions.  I love learning about EVERYTHING (well almost everything).  I need someone that wants to learn with me-whether we learn something big or small every single day.

3)      Someone understanding-yes there will be times that I will be an emotional trainwreck and these will be the times I need that person more than any other time.  You may not be able to understand exactly where I am coming from but just being there for me will make a world of difference.

4)      Someone compassionate.  I cannot have someone in my life that is selfish.  It is important to learn from and help others in life.  It is important to be understanding and empathetic to others-even if their lives are completely different than ours.

5)      A great personality/great sense of humor.  I absolutely love to laugh.  Laughter can cure anything.  If you can never make me laugh then we definetly aren’t a match.  No serious Stanleys please :0)

Wants:  You will see that there are a greater number of wants than needs.  Needs are way more important though.  Wants are wants but they are not necessary…they are just the icing on the cake.

1)       I want a man that is college educated-not a deal breaker but it does show incentive and initiative.  If you aren’t college educated than I my hope is that you have a good job that you are dedicated to.  Either way I want someone that works hard and always strives for better.  Ok, maybe this should be a need ;0)

2)      I want a man with a strong sex drive-BUT is respectful.  If you are trying to get in my pants right away and that is all you care about then you better keep on moving.

3)      I want an attractive man.  This is a very general statement because being attractive is so broad.  I have met many very average looking men that have become extremely good looking because they had great personalities.  Understanding how to be confident as opposed to being cocky is totally sexy.

4)      I want a man that is artistic.  This can be a man that draws, paints, writes or is involved in music.  Someone that is in touch with their creative side.

5)      I want a man that has a strong relationship with his family.  No not a mama’s boy.  Just a man that cares very much for his family and holds them in high regard.

6)      I want a man that is financially secure.  Don’t get this twisted.  I said secure not wealthy.  I am not looking for a sugardaddy or someone to take care of me.  Unfortunately many women are because they think money=happiness.  They will learn quickly that is not the truth at all.  I have known all along.

7)      I want a man that is going to want to go on different adventures and push me more and more to step outside of my comfort zone-someone that is going to initiate different fun things-this actually should be under needs more than wants but I am just going to leave it here for now.  I have no desire to date someone and all we do is sit around.  I love nights in watching movies but I absolutely love going to the beach or trying new restaurants or going out of town.  There is far too much to do to just sit around just looking at each other.  Different adevntures lead to better stories later on.  Ok yea this is a need too-dammit I am coming to realize most of these are needs. :0)

8)      I want a man that is active.  I want someone that wants to work out together and do active thinsg-bike ride, go to the beach, go to the driving range or batting cages-anything.  Someone that is going to push me to keep going to the gym-not because he thinks I’m too fat but because he knows I want to stay active.

I could go on and on about my needs and wants.  We all have them and not every one of them are able to be fulfilled.  I really hate that dating and relationships have become so complicated and so much work.  Yes, I understand there needs to be compromise sometimes and 2 people aren’t always going to agree but when 2 people are right there really shouldn’t be complications.  Maybe I live in a dream world but I love this world because it makes me know myself and what I want.  This would probably be the reason I am not married-I may have settled when it came to boyfriends but I would never settle when it came to a husband or a long-term partner.

I have stated in a past blog how pathetic I think a majority of men are nowadays.  Again, so I don’t insult any Sensitive Sally’s out there, I realize that women are far from perfect—but we are talking about what women want so zip your lip and keep reading.  So to the men I will just say it-GET OFF YOUR ASS AND TAKE INITIATIVE.  That is what us women want.  Show us that you care.  We are sensitive and we need attention (yes some more than others).  This is just the way we are built-stop calling us drama queens and just give us some attention.  I think it is funny that so many men throw out the words drama queen or psycho with so many women (like it is just a normal way to describe us) and usually they are the ones with spoon in hand stirring the pot.  Just be honest with us.  Make sure your words and your actions line up.  With the last guy I dated it became so strenuous.  He was separated from him wife and when we met he was looking to date but nothing serious and I was looking for more long term.  We both knew that going into it.  Well, there was immediate attraction and the desire to spend a good bit of time together so that is what we did.  He would constantly go back and forth with me, saying how he loved spending time with me and how he never wanted to leave when we were together and we would spend consecutive days together going on different adventures and having amazing conversations and laugh until it hurt.  Then in the same breath he would say, “well I am just not ready to have a girlfriend.  I can’t right now with everything that is going on in my life.”  This would be followed up later in the same day with him talking about bringing me to his work Christmas party or planning a camping trip a couple of months down the road.  He would always talk about future plans.  I cared so much for him but it really got exhausting.  Now do you see why I say to make sure your words and actions line up?  If you are not ready for a relationship then get the hell out of the dating pool-it is not fair to any woman because all you will do is lead her on.  Also, if you aren’t into a girl do no string her along for any reason.  That is just mean and selfish.  If you need an ego boost then write some positive affirmations on Post-It’s and put them on your bathroom mirror and look at those everyday.  Don’t make someone else feel like shit because you need to know how great you are.  Just be respectful.  If you have to play macho in front of your friends and this causes you to demean a woman in the process then you should know that you have no spine and your friends are treating you like a puppet.  You are the one that looks like more of an ass-trust me on this.  I had this girl friend that was hanging out with this guy.  They spent time together on occasion and they would talk for hours.  He was the kind of guy though that was one person behind closed doors (kind, caring, sweet) and another person in front of everyone (show off, always trying to impress people, etc).  Well, one night he called her asking her to come over.  This is going to be a little personal but I don’t name names for this particular reason.  She went over and they ended up sleeping together and she spent the night with him then went to work the next morning.  Remember, he invited her over asking her to spend the night.  Later that same day while she was at work he posted a Facebook status that said: If you ain’t my girl you need to leave after we fuck.  No lingering.  She was so hurt by this.  I told her though that even though it hurts her feelings, he doesn’t realize by posting that status how much of an asshole and a follower he looks like.  He made it obvious he was just looking for a reaction and he needed the approval of others.  It was quite pathetic.  As a man, if you need the approval of others for who you date, are in a relationship with, are sleeping with, then it comes down to one thing and one thing only-YOU ARE NOT A MAN!

So men, I cannot speak for all women because I do not know all women but it really is pretty easy.  It may sound like a lot but it really is not.  Be kind to a woman.  Be respectful to her (don’t cheat on a woman because you can’t think with anything but your penis).  Be honest.  We are all grown-ups.  It is time to let this whole game go.  Feelings are going to get hurt regardless at some point, why add fuel to the fire by stirring up a bunch of lies?  Take ownership when needed.  Voice what is bothering you (sometimes we really have no idea).  It all comes down to communication and that is something that is really lacking these days.  I wish we could go back to a time when love and relationships were truly valued.  When relationships didn’t just consist of sending text messages to each other all day.  When I am with someone I want to hear their voice over the phone and listen to them tell me about their day.  I am full of never-ending questions.  That is not me being nosey or “annoying” that is me wanting to get to know you more and more everyday.  If you find that annoying then there is a good chance you and I will not be taking any trips down any aisles.  What woman want is really not as big of a mystery as people make it out to be.  Yes we are all very different but when it comes down to it we want to be loved and respected and treated with kindness and honesty.  If you have specific questions to throw my way please do so, you know you will get an honest answer from me and if you think I am all wrong here then I would love to hear your side.  :0)