It's a New Day…

Day 40 Question 40:

What are some of the craziest things you have ever encountered/have ever had happen to you?

We all have those days where we see/encounter something or something happens to us and we stop and think to ourselves, “Is this for real?  or Is this really happening?”  There have been times in my life that I swear I was waiting for a camera crew to pop out from the closets or behind the couch and tell me I am on candid camera.  I thought I would share some of these little stories with my readers in hopes that you all share some stories with me.  My stories vary from funny/OMG really moments to somewhat sad and wishing this wasn’t real life.  I thought I would give everyone a variety.  Although some of the stories don’t always have the happiest endings, I love sharing them because it gives me the opportunity to re-live pieces of my life that I had kind of put on the back burner.  It makes me see where I have come from and how far I have come.  Anyhoooooooo, here we go:

1)      This first incident happened just yesterday 2/24/2012.  I had been working at the restaurant and my manager asked me if I could go over to the liquor store to pick up an order.  This was something I did quite often so I didn’t mind at all.  I got to the store and told the cashier I was there to pick up an order.  She was just finishing packing everything up.  While standing there these two young men (I would guess about mid 20’s) came into the store and said, “Do you know that there is a dead raccoon in a plastic bag outside of your door?”  I immediately whipped my head in their direction and said, “No way!”  He waved me over and told me to come look.  I was apprehensive at first then thought, “Yea I totally have to see this.  Who in the hell would leave a raccoon in a plastic bag.”  The girl behind the counter, the two guys and myself walked out of the store and one of the guys looks down and looks up and said, “It’s gone.  It was right here a second ago.”  At that moment we all look up to watch this raggedy looking man walking into the woods behind the liquor store with the bag in hand.  One of the guys pointed and said, “He totally took the bag.”  We all looked up and sure enough one of the dead raccoon paws was sticking out the side of the bag.  We all stood there in disbelief thinking to ourselves what the man was potentially going to do with the raccoon and thinking that this man had to have picked up this piece of road kill with his bare hands.  We were all taking a pretty good guess that the raccoon was going to be the man’s dinner.  We walked back into the store and literally all stood there with our mouths gaped open and our jaws gathering dust on the floor.  I said to the girl, “Well, I guess if someone is desparate.”  She said, “He just came in and bought a 6-pack.  He is a regular customer.”  Well, I can definitely see where some people’s priorities are.  Ha Ha.

2)      The second incident I am going to tell you about happened in I believe it was 2008…maybe 2007.  I tend to get my years jumbled up the more time passes.  I was living in a townhouse with 2 of my girl friends.  Well, only one of them is a friend now.  The other was a completely crazy person…but I won’t get into all of that now ;0)  I had a guy friend from back home (northern NY-I currently live in Murrells Inlet, SC) and ask if he could come down and stay with us for a few days.  He was going to bring 2 of our college friends as well.  I was completed stoked and of course said yes.  I admit though that I was a little apprehensive.  These three guys were good friends of mine in college but they were also rugby players.  I knew them at a time that they lived in a church that was converted into a house.  It was pretty routine for them to hold keg parties with masses of people that would get pretty rowdy.  Holes being made in the walls was not uncommon.  I told my friend that we were all grown-ups now so we could not have any damage being done to my townhouse.  He just laughed and said that would not be a problem.  The boys arrived on a sunny afternoon and we immediately went to lunch.  The beers started flowing.  It was so fun to be back with these guys.  My new friends were meeting my old friends.  My boyfriend at the time was able to meet people from my past.  It was so much fun.  We stayed at the restaurant for a while just catching up and drinking.  We decided to go back to the townhouse and set up a beer pong table in the back yard.  The boys actually had a friend that lived in the area (about 45 minutes away) so he came down to hang with us as well.  There was about 10 of us there I would guess-the more games of beer pong that were played the hazier it got.  Well after an unknown number of games we decided that it was time to retreat inside and get set-up for some much needed sleep…or should I say it was time for everyone to pass out.  I walked into the living room and decided I was going to move the coffee table so we could set up the air mattress.  This was a glass top coffee table I must mention.  So, I picked up the piece of glass and was getting ready to lean it up against the wall.  Well my plans became botched instantly.  As soon as I picked up the glass off of the base (and we are talking about a 50-60lb thick piece of glass) it immediately buckled and the glass broke in two.  Due to how heavy it was I immediately fell to my knees and the glass hit the base of the table and broke again.  I wasn’t freaking out.  All that was going through my head was how much it sucked because I loved that table..UNTIL I suddenly saw blood squirting out of my arm.  I am not exaggerating when I say that the blood shot across the room and it kept spewing out of my arm.  After that the night becomes a little bit cloudy because of the loss of blood and insane amount of beer I had drank.  My roommate (she was in nursing school at the time) ran out of her room and immediately put a rag around my wrist and held it tight.  I lived about a mile from the hospital but there was a debate on how to get me there because everyone had been drinking.  Luckily, one of my friends arrived late and hadn’t been drinking at all.  All I remember is sitting in the driving saying that I did not want to die.  I forgot to mention that the cut was on my wrist…in the same spot where most people attempt suicide.  We arrived at the hospital, my roommate with no shoes and they admitted me in the Emergency Room immediately.  I was covered in blood from head to toe.  I had calmed down by this point because I knew I was in good hands.  The doctor came in and ask what happened.  I told him the whole story.  He numbed my arm and gave me five stitches.  Meanwhile the nurses must have asked me about 10 times if this was intentional (I did understand why they were asking) and finally I raised my voice and said, “YOU CAN SMELL THE BEER COMING OUT OF MY PORES-NO IT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL!”  She backed off pretty quick after that.  Luckily, I did not have to be admitted to the hospital.  I hate hate hate hospitals.  I arrived back home and pretty much everyone was passed out.  I went upstairs to my room and my boyfriend at the time was in the bed.  He rubbed my back a little and asked if I was ok—he wouldn’t recall doing that to this day because he was so hammered.  I pulled off my jeans and ended up having to scrub my legs because the blood had soaked through onto my skin.  The next day I woke up and asked my boyfriend what they did with the glass and he told me they dragged it out onto the backyard.  The same backyard that kids run through everyday.  I just shook my head.  I went downstairs and peeked out the back window.  The glass was covered in dry blood in 4 big shattered pieces.  By some magical force I got all of the blood on the glass and only 3 small droplets on the carpet.  Even my accidents I do in a neat manner :0)  I went outside and pulled the glass onto the porch and hosed it off so no one needed to be subjected to it.  For the entire day my arm throbbed all the way up to my shoulder but I was still in good spirits.  My friends and I went to the beach and had lunch at an ocean-front restaurant.  Everywhere we went they would tell the waitress that I tried to kill myself so I deserved a free meal.  I just sat there rolling my eyes and shaking my head so let’s just say that no free meals came to me that day.  While sitting there one of my guys friends from home said to me, “Hey Diane, remember when you told us not to f**k up your townhouse?  We weren’t expecting YOU to f**k it up instead.”  This is a story of karma biting me straight in the ass.  Although it was traumatic and blurry and insane all at once it is one of the best stories I have to tell.  If you were to ask my guy friends that were there they would tell myself that I threw myself into the table because I lost at beer pong.  :0)

3)      The last story I will share is one in which I wish I didn’t have to experience but in a way I am glad I did because it gave me a bigger glimpse into real life.  I will try to condense it some so I don’t go too overboard in this entry.  In 2008 I was a Parent Educator for a local nonprofit agency.  I would do home visits with parents (primarily single mothers that were low income/”at-risk”) and I would teach them various behavior models and developmental skills they could work on with their children.  I went into a lot of homes and some of these homes were extremely scary and it was hard to believe that people could actually live there.  I got a call from Department of Social Services asking if I could go visit this one girl who lived close to my office.  She was 14 years old with a 2 month old baby.  The reason I was called is because the baby had been in the hospital the week before with the flu and the doctor stated his concerns saying that the mother did not know how to take care of the child.  The day of the visit arrived and I decided to bring a coworker with me.  We pulled up to the house and in the driveway was a big truck with spinners and two big thug guys standing outside of it.  We went to the front door and when the door opened there was a waft of smoke and mold smell that hit my nose and never left.  The young girl came to the door and she couldn’t have handed me the baby fast enough.  It was almost like she wanted to give me the baby to take home.  While sitting there (which was frightening because the couch was so stained and absolutely reeked) it became very clear that this mother (remember she is 14 years old) was very slow developmentally.  I would guess her to be functioning on the level of a 7 or 8 year old.  She had no idea how to handle this baby let alone herself.  I came to find out that the baby was a product of rape (the story was unclear though).  The house she was staying at was her boyfriends (well his grandmothers-and they both lived there).  Her mom was in prison and her dad lived just down the road but his girlfriend that lived with him had 2 sons and said that the house did not have enough room for her.  My coworker and I tried talking to this girl about her social activities and what she would do with her baby and it was like pulling teeth trying to get anything out of her of any substance.  While sitting there I glanced to my right and saw a young girl (I think it was the baby’s aunt) sitting on the bed and spit into a Pampers box.  This girl looked extremely rough.  I found out when we were getting ready to leave that the girl’s boyfriend was there the whole time but he was asleep and decided to not come out.  The number of people that came in and out of this house during the time of the visit was unbelievable.  The grandmother came from the back, which I am assuming was the kitchen, with a broom in her hand (which at that point seemed pretty pointless) and this woman was absolutely frightening.  This might sound cruel but this woman looked like she had already died.  She looked like the crypt keeper with most of her teeth missing and all she did was grunt.  If she was saying actual words I have no idea what they were.  In one of the corners of the living room on an old, junky table there were approximately 15 stuffed bears all piled on top of each other.  The wallpaper was yellowing and peeling off the walls and there were pictures and statues of Jesus everywhere.  If Jesus is real then these people needed him more than ever.  A little boy (about 3 years old) ran in from outside.  I have no idea whose child this was.  He started yelling, “Look Look the Po Po is outside.”  He then ran into the back of the house.  I tried not to show the shock and disbelief on my face but I am pretty sure it was there for all to witness.  I felt like this was a scene in a movie.  There was no way this could be real.  After about an hour my coworker and I finally left.  We drove back over to our office and talked to each other about all of the horrors we just witnessed.  By the end of the day I left the building and went to my car.  I got in the driver’s seat  and just started to cry.  I felt absolutely helpless because I had no idea what I could do in this situation.  The next day I called DSS and told them about my home visit.  I told them that part of my job was as a mandated reporter and if I ever felt anyone was in harm I needed to report it.  I had come to find out that a social worker had been to this household several times before I had.  I strongly voiced my concerns and told the woman I spoke with that I felt as if they pawned this family off on me because they did not want to deal with it and a case of this size was far beyond my job.  I ended the conversation by telling the woman on the other end of the phone that if someone did not get into that home and try to do something about that situation that there was going to be a dead baby or a dead teenager very soon.  They were harsh words but this was the case of a child raising a child.  They were 2 helpless people that were in a situation that was so unhealthy and so dangerous.  To this day I have no idea what has come of this case.  I always want to help when I can but I knew that due to legalities and the harmful issues at hand that this was way above me.  It is stories like these that make me look at my own life that make me so thankful and appreciative of all that I have and for who I am.  These situations are what push me to help others and to open their eyes to better themselves and better their situations.  Not everyone can be helped because they refuse to be but I want to do what I can.  It absolutely broke my heart to see people living in a world like that.

Day 39 Question 39:

What is one of the most embarrassing moments in your life?

We all have those moments in life when we just want to crawl under a table and die or the moments where we laugh so hard every part of our bodies start to hurt.  I thought it would be fun to share one these moments…lighten the mood and give everyone a peek into my inner silliness.

 About 3 years ago I had a work conference to attend at this big hotel/conference center.  My boss was already there.  She spent the night there because her meetings started the night before.  I was only going for the day.  I was starting to work under a new grant and these meetings were an introduction to the program (it is a pretty large national organization) so I met a lot of the big dogs that day.  My boss at the time (and I do love her despite this) tends to be very opinionated and loud.  She doesn’t shy away from an argument.  During these meetings she chimed in a lot and it was very obvious that people were getting annoyed.  I pulled out my phone and sent a text to my friend (who was also the Administrative Assistant for my boss) and said:  XXXX(I figured it would be better if I didn’t mention her name..haha) Never knows when to shut the F**K Up!  I was sure I would get an immediate response because my friend knows exactly how she can be.  I got nothing.  I figured she must have been busy.  After the meeting was out my boss and I went downstairs to one of the restaurants to get a coffee.  We were sitting in a couple of chairs just re-hashing the meeting.  She pulled out her phone and said, “Oh I have 2 text messages”.  My heart started to immediately pound.  She opened one up and said, “Oh it’s from you!”  Well if you haven’t figured it out yet let me clue you in.  In my mad dash to send the text to my friend, I stupidly sent it to my boss.  I immediately told her I never wrote that and I stumbled over my words saying my phone had been all messed up.  She knew I was lying.  I knew I was lying.  Talk about AWKWARD!!!!  No, I never got fired because come the end of the day I was really good at my job but hands down that was the biggest disaster ever.  Everyone in my office teased me about it for weeks.  The story still gets told to this very day.

Yes, this was a bad situation and I should have been more careful.  I probably should have just kept the thought to myself but what is done is done and now a good story is able to be told.  Moments like these are what lead to great stories later in life.  There are many moments I am not proud of and many moments of “Did I really just do that?” and although at the moment you may just want to die they are the stories that mold you as a person.  They are a part of you.  I am sure I have several I could tell but today I am feeling like a nap before work so I am going to cut this one short.  I want to hear about your stories though. If you are willing I would love for you to share them with all of my readers.  They can be stories that made you pee your pants from laughing so hard or stories that made you not want to leave your house for days because you didn’t want to face people.  There is no judgment on my part…I can’t lie and say I will not laugh because well I love to laugh…but judgment will not be there.  We all do dumb, silly things from time to time and these are the stories that end up being the best parts of the story we call life. :0)

Day 38 Question 38:

What are some of your favorite quotes/book excerpts?

I thought I would change things up a little today to serve everyone a big slice of inspiration.  I am one that loves to read.  I love to read everything from philosophical books to fiction stories to trashy reality TV magazines.  I print out a lot of articles on different topics from various websites to read at the gym while trekking away on the elliptical.  I find it amazing how much inspiration and creativity I feel while I am reading these articles and just peddling away.  I thought I would take the time to share some of my favorites with you as a source of inspiration and happiness.  We all get caught up in the madness of everyday and I wanted to offer you some words of encouragement and well-being.  I like to read these quotes daily just to remind myself of how beautiful and hopeful life really is.  I even have some written on Post-Its taped to my bathroom mirror so I can see them everyday.  I hope you take them in and hold them near and dear to you.

“In life we cannot always do great things, but we can do small things with great love.”~Mother Teresa

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ~Leo F. Buscaligia

“We cannot change our past.  We cannot change the fact that people act in a certain way.  We cannot change the inevitable.  The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.” ~Charles Swindoll

“Always laugh when you can.  It’s cheap medicine.” ~Lord Byron

“Remember that anytime you’re filled with resentment, you’re turning the controls of your emotional life over to others to manipulate.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

“If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.” ~Barbara Angelis

“Life is unchartered territory.  It reveals its story one moment at a time.” ~Leo Buscalgia

“You control your future, your destiny.  What you think about comes about.  By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you most want to be.  Put your future in good hands-your own.” ~Mark Victor Hansen

“Looking down on disappointment only blinds you for what’s ahead, you can always benefit from a loss as long as it is a lesson to you.” ~Unknown

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of another.” ~Charles Dickens

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~Dalai Lama

“People are just people, and all people have faults and shortcomings, but all of us are born with a basic goodness.” ~Anne Frank

“Seek not to change the world, but choose to change your mind about the world.  What you see reflects your thinking.  And your thinking but reflects your choice of what you want to see.” ~A Course in Miracles

“The spiritual journey is individual, highly personal.  It can’t be organized or regulated.  It isn’t true that everyone should follow one path.  Listen to your own truth.” ~Ram Dass

“Where the heart is willing, it will find a thousand ways.  Where it is unwilling, it will find a thousand excuses.” ~Arlen Price

“Live life fully while you’re here.  Experience everything.  Take care of yourself and your friends.  Have fun, be crazy, be weird.  Go out and screw up!  You’re going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process.  Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it.  Don’t try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human.” ~Anthony Robbins

“Our world is like a boomerang.  If we throw anger, anger comes back; if we throw love, love comes back.  If we throw negativity, negativity comes back; if we throw positivity, positivity comes back.” ~Author unknown

“Everyday is a new chance to choose.

Choose to change your perspective.

Choose to flip the switch in your mind.  Turn on the light and stop fretting about with insecurity and doubt.

Choose to do your work and be free of distraction.

Choose to see the best in someone, or choose to bring out the worst in them.

Choose to be a laser beam, with focused intention, or a scattered ray of light that doesn’t do any good.” ~Ishita Gupta

“If you want to succeed in your life, remember this phrase: That past does not equal the future.  Because you failed yesterday; or all day today; or a moment ago; or for the last six months; the last sixteen years; or the last fifty years of life, doesn’t mean anything…All that matters is; What are you going to do, right now?” ~Anthony Robbins

“Dare to be remarkable.” ~Jane Gentry

“This life is yours.  Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well.  Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly.  Take the power to control your own life.  No one else can do it for you.  Take the power to make your life happy.” ~Susan Polis Schutz

“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker.  When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” ~Sue Patton Thoele

“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.” ~Oscar Wilde

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.  I can choose which it shall be.  Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet.  I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” ~Groucho Marx

“Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.” ~Buddha

“To love yourself as you are is a miracle,

and to seek yourself is to have found yourself, for now.

And now is all we have, and love is who we are.” ~Anne Lamot

“Imagine all the people living life in peace.  You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.  I hope someday you’ll join us, and the world will be as one.” ~John Lennon

I wanted to share this quotes/excerpts with everyone because even though sometimes it does not seem it, life really is short and passes us by so quickly.  I am 33 years old.  I remember celebrating my 18^th birthday and sitting on my bed in my college dorm getting ready to go home for Thanksgiving break.  That was 15 years ago.  That is absolutely mind-blowing.  I always thought like was this big mystery but I have come to realize that it is not a mystery at all.  It is an abundance of opportunities…opportunities to experience love and beauty, opportunities to correct your mistakes and fix any faults you don’t like about yourself, opportunities to practice compassion and see life outside of yourself, opportunities to learn an endless amount about all of the things you are curious about.  I believe you aren’t able to experience these things if you aren’t focusing on happiness…for yourself and for others.  Life is going to get us down and things are going to seem beyond unfair.  There will be times when the only thing that seems right is to just give up.

I left these quotes with you because even through the hardest times there is hope and there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.  As I always say, everything you do and think in life is a choice.  I hope you choose to be happy and realize that happiness is a journey not a destination (it took me a long time to learn and accept that).  I know so many of you don’t know me as a person (as an actual physical being) and I am only 1 person among billions but I truly believe (from my mind and from my experiences) that once you are able to accept things as they are and embrace them then the world because a much more peaceful place.  Things seem to come a whole lot easier and seem to make a lot more sense.  A lot of people might think of all of what I say as just some hippie mumbojumbo but I am always willing to challenge people.  I have found when you expose yourself to something outside of your norm, something you know nothing about, something you have doubts about, a lot of the time you find yourself to be surprised how drawn to things you never thought you would be.  You feel a connection to certain things.  You feel a comfort within yourself.  Humanity has does this giant shift and to be completely honest, as a population we have become very selfish.  Life has become a competition to beat each other at different games.  The thing is, life is not about any of these things at all.  Humankind is about compassion and respect.  I don’t care what religion you follow, what the color of your skin is, what country you are from, what your social status is, how much money you have, etc.  No matter what, as human beings we should focus on kindness.  We should embrace the opportunity to learn from each other without trying to be better than each other.  Sometimes I hear myself in my own head and think maybe I am being over the top with all of my positive affirmations and talk about happiness but then I realize it is what I truly care about.  If I didn’t focus on these things I wouldn’t be me.  I do not believe I am a saint (trust me I have done some things that would be considered very un-saint like in my day) but I have goodness in my heart because I want to continue to better myself but also help, mentor, care for, encourage, and believe in those around me.  Perfection is an impossible concept because it is something that is different for everyone.  I have a hard time seeing good in some people but I know it is there.  I believe some people have a hard time seeing good in themselves.  IT IS THERE!!  I know it may sound cheesy and to some it may be something that they roll their eyes at and think it is a pipe dream but I want people to be happy.  I want people to let go of their stresses and those things that cause them anger, hurt and pain and ask for help if they need it.  I want people to experience love on every level.  I want people to look back at their lives when they are old and gray and love the journey they have taken…I want them to be able to say they fell in love with life a little more every single day.  That is what I want.  :0)

Day 37 Question 37:

What is relationship advice you would give to women?

I was looking up different writing topics to see which ones jumped out at me today.  This was one that made me kind of giggle that I thought would be quite amusing to write about…considering I am a 33 year old single woman that has never been married and has no children….oh yea and I have only had 2 “serious” relationships.  I thought it would be fun to answer because although I have not (at least I don’t believe I have) experienced real love, I do believe I understand it and do see all of the ups and downs.  I mean I have been dating for about a million years now—I have met every Mr. Right Now, Mr. Wrong, Mr. Want Only One Thing, Mr. Can’t Stop Talking About Himself, Mr. Has to Drink from Morning to Night (I have met this one more than once), Mr. Calls Every Woman a Drama Queen, Mr. Doesn’t Know the Truth From a Lie…yes I have dated them all.  Maybe the problem is actually me but I am not going to allow myself to believe that.  I know the strengths and weaknesses I have and I know how I have sabotaged myself in relationships.  In 2012 dating has become next to impossible.  Dating has become day to day texting with no human contact.  I am not completely jaded (but I admit to having moments)…I just have a lot to say when it comes to the topic of dating/relationships.  When you see the divorce rate increasing continually (over 50% now) you start to wonder where everything is going wrong.  I just thought I would give my little pieces of advice.  I don’t believe them to be harmful…and they may not be right for every woman…I just speak from my own personal experiences in the dating world (remember I have dated A LOT).  People might even say that I am too picky when it comes to dating/a man and I am completely ok with that.  I would rather be picky and end up with someone that I know is right for me than someone that will do for the moment.  The older I get the more I learn about myself as well as those around me.  So here I leave my relationship/dating advice for all of those that might be interested…please take it as you choose.  :0)

1)       Don’t settle-Maybe you are gaining more years and you are wondering where your Prince Charming is…life does not have to be a certain timeline.  Be different and follow your own timeline.  Mr. Right will fall into your life when the time is right.  Don’t force something because of a moment of loneliness of weakness.

2)      Know what you want and want you need.  In a relationship you can make sacrifices and compromises but don’t change your entire self just to meet the other person’s needs.  Your needs are really important too and deep down you know that.  If you compromise your needs to meet someone else’s you will just build up more and more resentment toward the other person and more anger at yourself.  That doesn’t sound emotionally healthy does it?

3)      Don’t believe everything you read on the Do’s and Don’ts of Dating or rely on Millionaire Matchmaker or Tough Lough (VH1 show) to give you all of the answers.  Every area in the world is different and all people are different.  Dating in Los Angeles, California is going to be very different from dating in some small town in North Dakota.

4)      Don’t talk about your ex/exes…at least not right away.  This is a rule I hear always directed toward women and what I find funny is the last 3 guys that I have gone on dates with have mentioned there exes (some have even shared the lengthy horror stories) within the first 30 minutes of the date.  This rule applies to both sexes.  When you speak of your ex this soon in (a small reference is fine…a long-winded story is not) it just screams that you are bitter and not over this person.  Before anyone flies off the handle, yes I have been guilty of doing this in the past myself.

5)      If you don’t love yourself there is no way you can love someone else.  Oh it sounds so cliché but it is so true…trust me.  Insecurity is the absolute worst.  Think about it…if you are constantly self-criticizing and disliking/hating yourself and you get in some sort of relationship, how healthy is that really going to be?  Are you using this person to make yourself feel better?  Are you using this person to make yourself feel complete?  The chances are you are settling to try to rid yourself of this self-loathing feeling.  If you feel that this is the truth at all, my advice to you is get out.  This is the perfect opportunity to discover yourself and learn to love yourself.  Find all of those things that make you happy.  Figure out what your insecurities are and decided here and now that they are no longer going to control you.  Once you are able to do this you will realize that dating/being in a relationship feels way different.  You will be able to enjoy the companionship but also love your independence.  You will find a balance that you didn’t know existed.  If you love yourself…trust me when I say this…people will be drawn to you.

6)      Don’t use a man for his money.  It’s just tacky.  Yes I am blunt and I don’t care.  If you have had failed relationships in the past I know it is frustrating but making the comment that the next guy you end up with must be rich just makes you sound like a superficial bitch…plus it just gives guys the impression that all of us women are that superficial.  If money is all you care about then I recommend you re-evaluate life because love and money are two entirely different things.

7)      Yes, guys think about in excess every single day.  If you want a man to be in your life for the long haul, don’t act slutty just to get their attention.  Show a man how smart you are or how you can make him laugh.  Sex can be an important part of a relationship but you will find that if that is the only thing you two can relate to that the relationship will fizzle pretty fast.  If you are on a date make sure you aren’t oozing desperation.  Don’t tell your date about how you hung out in your bra and panties all day.  Trust me he knows what you are doing, he has pretty much assumed you are a sure thing, and the chances of a long term relationship are pretty much slim to none.  I know there have been occurrences where people have slept together on the first date then ended up together for years but nowadays the chances are very slim of that happening.  Have respect for yourself.  Leave some mystery.  I say this from experience.  I have rushed into having sex and have had my heart broken one too many times.  Men and women think very differently.  Once you start to accept that, you will start seeing the dating world in a whole different light.

8)      BE YOU!!!!  If a guy doesn’t like you, accept it and move on.  I know it can hurt because you want people to like you but not everyone in the world is going to.  You never want to convince someone to like you are to be with you.  It takes away the realness of the relationship.  I know for myself, that I want a man in my life that feels lucky to be with me and vice versa.  I truly believe that if it is the real deal that it should not be an abundance of work.  If you are dating/seeing someone and he wants to date a bunch of other people at the same time you need to evaluate if that is something you can deal with.  Maybe I am a dreamer but I want a man to meet me and will want to pursue me to see where things go.  Honestly (and this is just my opinion), I feel like if people date multiple people, that they are just selfish.  I know I don’t want to be with a man that is intimate with me and who knows how many more.  I have been there done that and the only outcome is hurt.  Don’t make excuses for a man.  Be you, accept how you feel and what you want (you are that way for a reason), and enjoy life as it comes to you.

A lot of what I say here might be completely cliché to some but I really do find truth in a lot of it.  It took me many years to finally accept what a disaster I was when it came to men.  The goal is not to mold myself but instead to respect myself.  I believe that this is what these pieces of relationship advice really come down to.  Take a look at yourself and see how you have acted in past dating/relationship scenarios.  What would you change?  What did you do right that you would not change?  What did you do wrong (honestly)?  It’s hard to swallow but I was the girl that was pushy and aggressive just to get attention.  I molded myself to what I thought the other person wanted me to be.  This lead to a world of self-esteem issues.  It can be a vicious cycle if you keep up these actions.

Ok to my readers, I want your input.  Share with me what you think of my advice.  What are some of your biggest dating disasters?  Do you have anymore bits of advice?  You know I am dying to hear them.  :0)

Day 36 Question 36:

What is happiness?

I am currently in Barnes and Noble (yes I love this place) and I just had the most delicious wrap and I am now starting on different projects.  An older couple (probably early 70’s) is sitting in comfy chairs across from me.  The woman is doing stuff on her Ipad and the man is flipping through a magazine.  They have been chatting back and forth about random things, travel plans, etc.  What I noticed was that even during the times they weren’t talking the man had his arm stretched to grasp onto his wife’s hand and was rubbing the inside of her palm with his thumb.  I have stated before my take on love and I really don’t think that many people get to experience what true love is.  I get a vibe though that this couple is experiencing love-not experienced but experiencing.  They seem to be the best of friends and just their actions show such an ease with each other.  I know that I don’t know anything about their lives but from this small glance it would appear that they have achieved happiness in their lives.  They are enjoying their journey and they are lucky to have found a companion to share the journey with.

I started to ponder the thought, concept, idea and feeling of happiness in this moment.  Happiness is one of those words that does not have a set definition.  Webster’s dictionary may disagree but I am going to stick to what I believe.  Happiness is a feeling.  It is a feeling that you can have in a mere moment or you can hold onto for hours and days and weeks and years.  Happiness is something you choose.  I think about my happiness.  The last guy I dated and I were laying in my bed one night and we were just talking about all kinds of things.  We started discussing happiness and he told me he didn’t want me to tell him that he made me happy.  I was shocked and so confused.  What he meant was…he wanted me to embrace my own happiness and realize that it is all mine.  No one else can make you happy.  You make yourself happy through your choices and your journey.  I wanted to tell him a million times that he made me happy but then I realized that I needed to rephrase it.  I would tell him that being with him made me feel happy.  His actions and his words made me feel happy.  It may seem like an odd concept to some but it makes perfect sense to me because in truth I own my happiness completely because being happy is my choice., no one else’s.

I have decided to start a personal list of those things that make me feel happiness.  The list could be endless but I will spare my readers too many words.  I want to do this so people are able to reflect on their own lives and think about what makes them happy.  I want people to think that happiness really is a choice.  Even in troubling times you are able to make yourself happy if that is what you really want.  You can allow yourself to see the silver lining even if it seems to be hidden behind dark, black clouds.  There is a lot of chaos and heartbreak that surrounds us in the world and I think that we need these things to think about sometimes.  I try to keep an upbeat tone in my writings as much as I can so people are able to (hopefully) let their problems go for even a moment and reflect on their lives and see what they are blessed with.  I, sometimes, take my life for granted and I need time to ground myself and think about what makes me happy and what I am thankful for.  Happiness surrounds me every day.

Happiness is:

1)      Watching a sitcom and laughing until you have tears on your face

2)      Watching an old couple (very obviously) in love

3)      Tucking yourself into one of your favorite spots and getting lost in a book

4)      Having an amazing conversation with a friend-feeling like this conversation has changed you and has made you see and understand the other person better.

5)      Watching the curiosity and wonder in a child’s face.

6)      A true and genuine hug from someone you really care about.

7)      A delicious hot coffee on a cold winter day.

8)      The most delicious piece of red velvet cake.

9)      Having friends in your life that you can have serious moments with but can also laugh for hours with (I like to call this achieving hanger face-you can’t stop smiling and it looks like you have a hanger stuck in your mouth).

10)  Seeing/Learning a different perspective

11)  Loving yourself unconditionally.

12)  Receiving an unexpected compliment that turns your whole day around.

13)  People watching-Making up the stories of complete strangers lives.

14)  Accomplishing a goal that you thought was impossible.

15)  A summer day spent at the beach-soaking up the sun and playing in the ocean waves

16)  Meeting someone new that you immediately feel comfortable with and know you want to spend more time with.

17)  Embracing the things you love and running with them-mine would be writing and creating.

18)  Paying a complete stranger a compliment because you want others to feel good.

19)  Owning up to your mistakes, apologizing, accepting and moving forward

20)  Trying something completely new and different-Going outside of your comfort zone.

21)  Hanging with friends/family beside a campfire roasting marshmallows

22)  Not having to rely on money-Finding plenty of things to do on a very limited budget and still have a blast.

23)  Art/photography that moves you.

24)  Listening to your favorite song/a song that you would swear was written for or about you.

25)  Learning about something new that you never thought would interest you and actually really enjoying it.

26)  Offering someone help when they need it.  A man in a motorized cart behind me at Walmart was trying to unload his groceries onto the conveyor belt and I asked him if I could give him a hand.  He couldn’t have been more thankful.  Acts of kindness and paying it forward can go a really long way.

27)  Have a child run and jump into your arms because they are so excited to see you.

I have to change gears for a minute because something so out of the blue and so surreal just happened.  I was sitting at a table sipping on a Chai Frappe talking to a girl friend of mine.  We had probably been sitting here for about an hour and a half.  My friend was dating a guy and it just ended.  We were discussing dating and its difficulties and what we are truly looking for now that we are getting older.  You know, the usual girl talk…no no not man bashing…hahaha.  Out of nowhere this man (I would guess him to be maybe mid 50’ or early 60’s-I am terrible at guessing age) came up to us and said, “Excuse me I don’t meant to interrupt but I just wanted to tell you something.  When you meet a man, the most important thing to watch for is how is interacts with and treats his mother.  This is what he knows and this is how he will treat you and expect to be treated.”  He stayed there for about 15 minutes and talked to us.  He was this kind man that I didn’t even know was listening to our conversation (he didn’t give me the impression at all that he was evesdropping-he just happened to overhear).  The way he spoke was so caring and so genuine.  A quality I do not encounter with many men these days.  By the way he spoke I could tell he was passionate as well as compassionate.  He spoke of his daughter that is a year younger than me and told us how she just sent him a very heart-felt email expressing what a wonderful man he was and how thankful she was that he always encouraged her to follow her dreams.  He talked about relationships and how it is about give and take and for a relationship to be successful you must grow with the person you are with.  He discussed how much he has changed as a person and how he has learned his wife’s habits and vice versa.  I told him about my parents being married for 43 years and how I have seen this positive change in their relationship since moving down south after my dad retired.  He told me that I was lucky to have what I did because most kids these days don’t have 2 parents that are still married that love each other.  We covered a lot of ground in 15-20 minutes and it just seemed so surreal.  It may sound so cheesy and corny but it was as if this man was just dropped in at that very moment to offer his insight.  He spoke in a manner that was not at all condescending or judgmental.  He offered his thoughts and offered compliments to both of us without even knowing us.  It truly was one of those moments to hold onto.  It seems like something so simple but it was something important.  This was a moment of happiness for me because this complete stranger offered his words and it allowed me to see from another person’s vision.  I wrote down my blog website on a piece of paper and handed it to him.  I don’t know if he will ever read this but if he does, I want to thank him for taking the time to talk to us.  Life is so fast-paced and we get wrapped up in so much that we sometimes don’t take the time to just reach out to people even if we might know that they need it. I think this guy sensed that his words could offer something to us and that they did.

For my readers, I know I am like a broken record, but these are the moments to cherish.  Life can sometimes get us so caught up that we forget what is truly important.  I ask of you to take a moment to look at what you have done lately.  Have you helped someone?  Have you paid someone an unexpected, genuine compliment?  Have you lent your ear because you know someone needed it?  I truly believe when you do these things that you will understand what true happiness is.  Happiness is something we feel within but it comes from all of the things outside of us.  Happiness can be found around every corner and one tiny thing can bring you an abundance of happiness.  I hope you take the time to find your own happiness as well as become a part of helping others find theirs.

Day 35 Question 35:

What is something that no one can take away or change about you?

I had a good laugh yesterday.  Someone (a reader) said to me, “I love your stuff, I wish you could condense it.”  If the content is too long then do not read it.  It is almost like saying, “I like your Star Wars movie George Lucas but I have things to do so could you shorten it?”  Really?  I admit to going on long rants but my thoughts are my thoughts and I guess I was under the impression that my blog was the place in which I could spill as little or as much as I wanted to.  I had a laugh because some people have what I like to call “Foot in Mouth syndrome”.  I have been just as guilty of this from time to time.  I just find it funny when people say things that are generally insulting and have absolutely no clue.  I love the back-handed compliment of “You are such a pretty girl, you would like so much better if you just lost some weight.”  I have put my foot in my mouth a boat load of times but seriously, what woman wants to hear that?????  I at least have enough common sense to not outright insult someone to their face.

The reader that made the comment could potentially be reading this now and not like my words but I must be honest here right???  I mean it is MY blog and all.  I am sure no real harm was meant with his words but we already live in a country full of censorship.  This is my outlet in which I can express myself as I please and if I feel like going on a rant for pages and pages and pages that is my right.  I talk about what I think is important that I feel that other people would potentially want to read about, think about or give me their advice/opinions on.  In my whole life we have all been shaped, molded and conformed to meet different standards: parents, schools, work places, etc.  This is the one place I refuse to be what someone else wants me to be.  This is the place you are going to get everything completely real and raw.  I send out invites for people to read and I accept everyone graciously and great kindness.  I accept constructive criticism and I am open to a lot of different points of views.  I have changed my mind on a lot of issues because of other people’s perspectives but when I am told I would be better if I did this or did that with no backup or logical reasoning I completely close my ears and move onto something way more constructive and open-minded.  Harsh words maybe but blatant ignorance is really not my thing.  One man told me that I should have more paragraph breaks because it would make my material easier to read.  I completely respected the way he came to me and said this and am now more aware of this and will try harder to do this.  He came to me in a manner in which he explained himself (he said his old eyes sometimes couldn’t handle so much writing without breaks-hahaha-it was cute).  I don’t mean to harp about being told to condense my material but it just seems so silly to me because this is something that is completely mine and I have not twisted anyone’s arms to read it.  If people don’t like or agree with what I write I will not be offended because we are all so different.  That is what makes the world most interesting.  But being told to condense my writings is like telling me to stop being who I am.  Stop thinking so much.  That is something I am not going to do.

I guess I am venting again.  Apparently I had more built up than I realized.  Ha Ha.  I just don’t understand why some people need to make comments about things that have absolutely no affect on their lives.  We live in this society in which we get so wrapped up in things that have absolutely no affect on us.  I admit to being just as guilty.  We speak before we think.  I think I sometimes can be opposite though.  I think so much that sometimes I am afraid to speak.  I am constantly reviewing my life and thinking whether or not I am guilty of something that I may accuse someone else of.  Sometimes I am guilty and sometimes I am not.

I look for inspiration in every single day.  Sometimes inspiration finds me by jumping right in my face or by bouncing off the walls that surround me.  No one can take away my inspiration.  Right now I am watching Dead Poets Society and I am only about 20 minutes in and I have already felt inspiration.  The words Carpe Diem were spoken and I immediately started to think about Seizing the Day.  Have I done this?  I believe I have, even in days I have been completely lazy.  I am seizing the moment and embracing how I feel in it.  Some days I feel like allowing my body to be lazy.  I allow my eyes to rest and drift in and out of sleep.  I allow my body to be replenished and allow my mind to be re-energized.  Seizing the moment is not a difficult task.  It does not mean you must scale a mountain or jump from an airplane.  It means taking advantage of the moments you have by doing the things that make you the most happy.  Expressing myself is what makes me the happiest and although I felt irritation from the comment I received from a reader, it is not going to stop me from writing at whatever length I chose.  I am also not going to hold any resentment or anger toward this person because I am going to choose to believe that the words were not meant to be hurtful.  I just had to get my feelings out.  I needed to seize the day.  I needed to seize the moment.  There will be times that may be portrayed as if I am just whining and complaining.  I may be.  I believe sometimes those moments are needed because those are the things that we feel and those are the things that make us real.  We need a variety of emotions in order to understand ourselves and how the world works around us.  Without hate we could not understand love.  Without weakness we would not understand strength.  Without sadness we wouldn’t understand happiness.  At least this is what I believe.  I go on tangents in my blog because I want to share so much with my readers.  I do not want to force my opinions or beliefs down anyone’s throats, I just want to give them the opportunity to see through different lenses and take with it what they choose.

I have an incredible love for words.  I love the way they sound and what they mean and how they make me feel.  Words are what make me feel comfortable because they are what I can put down on paper and I can describe things in a way that can make them seem so alive in that very moment.  I can make the words sparkle in a way that vocal word could never give them justice.  I try to write in a way that is open for interpretation.  I state my opinions but I allow others the opportunity to think….to see themselves and see what they really believe in.  That is why I go on the rants that I do.  My love for words makes them pour out of me and sometimes I do not want to stop.  My love of words and piecing them together into thoughts and paragraphs and stories is my deepest love.  It is what makes me feel complete.

I think it is complete bullshit that there is so many things in society or so many people that try to take our identities away.  I think it is bullshit that so many people don’t know who they truly are because of rules, regulations, laws, media, upbringing, schooling, etc.  I don’t blame people for not knowing who they are because that is just the nature of the beast.  I may not like the way society molds us but in the same I don’t really have a solution.  I do think the world would be way more chaotic if we didn’t have rules and regulations of some form but I also think we have tightened the reins of humanity so much that people are almost not allowed to have an identity or stand up for what they believe in…and a lot of the time if people do they are ridiculed and criticized….they are made the outcast.  Sometimes I feel like a complete outcast.  Sometimes I feel like the awkward kid and the weirdo that everyone is pointing at.  I feel this way because some things in society and in life just don’t seem natural to me.  I think I am a fairly pretty girl but dressing to impress (expensive clothing, dresses, heels, etc.) has never felt right to me.  It has never felt like my character.  Some other women feel like it is and I completely respect that.  I don’t feel comfortable following certain dating rules and do’s and don’ts in order to get a guy to like me.  I don’t feel comfortable with things that the media tells us.  If you are following my blog regularly you know this about me already.  I have watched The Biggest Loser and I could not be more happy for the people on the show to see the huge improvements they have made when it comes to their health.  The problem that I have is the unrealistic approach the show/trainers take.  These people lose an insane amount of weight in a very short period of time.  They workout 7 days a week for hours on end.  They do challenges that include scaling walls, bootcamp routines, etc.  Yes, I realize this is for entertainment value, but this is not real life.  How they actually call it reality TV is beyond me.  It is such a false impression.  Staying healthy and fit is a lifestyle in which is watch what you eat and you exercise regularly.  This show takes everything to the extreme and in my opinion that is not natural and it doesn’t give people the right message.  I can’t conform to these types of things.  Yes, some people need that push, and some people need that push a lot harder than others, but it is important to be realistic as well.  Trying to mold someone is only going to have a short-term outcome.  I believe in letting people find their way by exposing them to things that are within their reach.  I know I know…TV would not be so entertaining if that happened.  I guess I am just a fighter in this sense.  I like to argue and push the envelope because for myself I have to draw the line as to where I will allow myself to be conformed.  I have to put a stop to it somewhere.  I have to seize the day and be who I am to the best of my ability.  I will put my foot in my mouth more than once and I am sure I will offend people (unintentionally) along the way.  I will be misunderstood and disliked and that is ok but no one is going to take this outlet from me.  The choice is YOURS whether or not to keep reading or to state your opinions or likes or dislikes but the choice is MINE as to what I feel and what I want to say whether it be in 10 words or 10,000 words.

Day 34 Question 34:

What is something you would like to vent about/what are your pet peeves?

Today has been the laziest Sunday ever.  I work this morning to big claps of thunder and the sound of rain beating against my bedroom windows.  I knew it was going to be a day to stay in my pajamas and just relax.  I worked last night at the restaurant and it was our 2 year anniversary.  It was a good night…pretty busy and my body is feeling the crunch from running around nonstop for several hours.  I love the job though.  Many of the people that I work with have become family to me.  There may be hiccups that occur every once in a while and some nights may make me want to pull my hair out but overall I love the job because of the people I work with and how I get to interact with a wide variety of people while I am there.  I had never worked at a restaurant prior to this and I was nervous when I first started but to be honest once I got the hang of it I was pretty much a natural.  I have the personality for waiting tables.  Anyhoooooo…

The reason I chose to answer this question today is because lately I have noticed certain people’s characteristics and how they flow through each day (yes I do have certain people in mind).  There will be days I feel like shit or feel like nothing can go right but that is just life.  I bitch about it, I accept it and I move on.  It seriously amazes me how some people are unable to do that.  There have been one or two people (I will leave them nameless) that I have encountered lately that seem to bitch about every teeny tiny little thing that occurs in their lives.  There is a new woman that I work with at the restaurant (she is 43 years old) that started about 3 weeks ago.  In the restaurant business you can be trained but a lot of learning comes from trial and error and just having things come as they come.  It is really not difficult.  Unless you choose to make it difficult.  This woman CHOOSES to make EVERYTHING difficult.  She came into the job with enthusiasm and seemed very excited and she was told how everything worked.  Some nights may be chaotic and you will be moving for several hours straight.  She was told the good parts as well as the chaotic and stressful parts.  Nothing was hidden from her.  She was also told she would have a pretty set schedule which is very rare in the customer service industry so she has been very lucky.  For the past week all I have heard from her is nonstop bitching.  She is told one thing from one person and one thing from another person and it is just so frustrating.  I understand that can be frustrating but seriously…”Bitch for a minute to get it out and MOVE ON!!!”  She is absolutely incapable of doing this.  I had to listen to this woman complain about her frustrations yesterday for 7 straights hours.  She bitched about rice for an hour…her face read nothing but annoyance.  Seriously, how do people function like this???  If you listened to this woman talk, she acts as if her life is so traumatic and sooooo filled with stress.  There are people out there that have lost their limbs due to terrible diseases or have no food to eat or running water but her life is still worse.  It absolutely amazes me.  I hate even bitching about it because I like to try to think as positively as possible but it is the encounters with people like this that can really bring me down.  I just want to tell them to get in touch with reality and realize that there are millions of other people out there that have it way worse.

If she were to read this right now I would be willing to place money on her reaction.  She would tell me I didn’t understand and how dare I and blah blah blah.  It amazes me how some people have to live a life of drama in order to get by.  Everything needs to be blown out of proportion times 100.  She has a roof over her head (in a house that sounds pretty nice by the way she has described it), her husband works a good job, she has a job (that was pretty much handed to her), she has a daughter in a wheelchair (yes that can add some stress but her daughter has complete mental health and is able to get in and out of bed and has some movement).  I understand stress…trust me I do.  I had been diagnosed with panic disorder years ago and I have been on and off medication since I was 18 years old.  Even through the roughest of times, when I thought I was losing my mind, I never saw the benefit of bitching about every single little thing in life.  We control our lives and our circumstances.  We have choices.  How can everything be so bad?  This girl, came in and applied for the job and pretty much was hired on the spot and now she is bitching about not seeing her husband as much or having to work on a rainy Sunday.  I am confused as to what the hell she wants????  It reminds me of the women that constantly bitch about being fat but don’t do anything about it.  Yes, I have struggled with my weight all of my life but never did you hear me once bitch about being fat.  I was the one in control of it.  I knew that if I didn’t like the way I looked that I would have to work hard and change my lifestyle and the weight would come off…so that is what I did.  There is nothing I hate more than hearing a woman bitch about being fat while she is shoving a Krispy Kreme donut in her pie hole.

I feel like this is a negative entry and that is not my intention.  I have just come to realize that in life out path is determined by our choices and so many people whine and complain when it is their own fault for the situations they are in.  They want things just to happen for them but they do absolutely nothing to make those things happen.  I have a girl friend that nonstop bitches about hating where she lives and how she is meant to live somewhere else and blah blah blah (yes, after hearing it 1,000 times that is all I hear) yet she sends no resumes out or does not visit other places to see where she might like to live.  Does she expect a horse shoe to be shoved up her ass then suddenly everything will just fall into her hands????  That would be like magically winning the lottery without even playing.  Hard work can be hard (crazy huh) but the results in the end can make it all so worth it.  I have learned this time and again.  I did need to vent about this because lately I have encountered some of the laziest people that bitch about every tiny little thing and they do absolutely nothing to improve their situations.  Shit or get off the pot!  My boss at the restaurant works 2 jobs (easily 80 hours a week if not more) and he is one of the most positive, fun, happy people I know.  He is this way because he knows he works hard and he feels good about it.  He knows that not everything is going to run smoothly every minute but he accepts it and moves on.  If people need to vent about things that is understandable, I just don’t understand when people chronically complain about the same stuff over and over and over again.  Again, life is full of choices.  If you don’t like your circumstance then change it.  And if you are going to followup and tell me that you cannot then you are your own biggest obstacle.  I will be anyone’s friend and I am a great listener and I believe I am a great support system but to be completely honest, if someone is going to complain but never do anything to make the situation better then I can really only stick around for so long to hear it.  I don’t enjoy people like this because in my opinion they are selfish.  The only thing that matters is them and that is just not how I work or think.  I absolutely love helping others because that is what makes me feel good (maybe that is selfish but I would rather be selfish in this way than the other).  People that are focused on the negative like this don’t realize how often they put other people in bad positions.  Their attitudes bring everyone down.  In my opinion that is not fair at all.  I realize I am being negative now and after I post this I will let it go.  I will not let my pet peeve/need to vent control my entire day/week/month.  I just needed to get this off my chest because sometimes my pet peeves can get the best of me.  We all have them and I just thought this would be a good outlet for me to get it out.  Thank you for lending your ears.  :0)  Btw…what are some of your pet peeves???

Day 33 Question 33:

How have you changed over the years?

I decided to show some pictures of myself over the years so my readers can see how much I have changed :0)

For several years I kept a livejournal.  I would visit it every once in a while and then took many years off.  I was immersed in work, school, working out, etc.  After finally having a big epiphany about my own happiness I decided that I was going to write as often as possible.  I never want to force creativity but when I have the urge I now try to at least write down the thoughts and revisit them when I have a chance.  So, I decided to revisit my livejournal and skim through some entries.  I decided to share an old entry from February 28, 2006…yes, almost 6 years ago.  I have realized that there are a lot of similarities in my writings with the way I think but I see great differences as well.  In the past I mainly wrote when I was upset, sad or depressed.  Now I write through all of my emotions.  I state my opinions on what I believe matters the most.  I believe I have started seeing the picture along with all of its little details.  So here is the past entry (for those of you who have been reading my blog let me know if you see similarities and differences):

I have these surges in my body of feeling so good like I am floating on a cloud. I turn on a song I love, close my eyes and there is nothing but the lyrics and the music floating all around my body-bouncing off of my skin. I feel how wild it is to be able to relate to so many types of music. There are artists out there that have written songs I would swear were written about me. They are something I have felt so completely and I envy the expression they are able to preview to whoever they choose and be able to do it in such a non-boring way. I would do anything to just step into someone else’s body for just a little bit of time to understand how they feel and how they think. There are so many classifications of people in the world and I am not quite sure where I fit but if I were to have to put a definition on it I would say I am a philosopher and an artist. I see beauty in so many things and the goals I have in life focus so much on being able to excel artistically in many forms and I never stop questioning. I question life, love, reality, truth–I question everything. I can get caught up in ignorance and can sometimes overlook the things I shouldn’t but for the most part I am very aware. I am aware of my surroundings. I am aware of my faults and when I do things wrong. I am aware of my weaknesses. I am aware of how others act and although I may initially judge and not like or agree with their actions I try to understand and analyze why they do as they do and realize my judgment comes from the person not being like me. It is frustrating when people don’t think or act as we do because this is what we understand and when someone does or says something so drastically different it throws us off balance. We are all selfish. The word selfish though has been established with such a negative definition behind it and I personally don’t believe it should be. We have all heard there is no such thing as a selfless good deed, well this is ultimately true. We can do things because we want others to feel good but when they feel good we feel good. Our own individual happiness is what is most important. We all look out for ourselves because we are the one and only person that we truly live through. We can sacrifice and walk to the end of the earth for other people but it is our OWN emotions and being that do all of this. We may all live together but we all live as individuals separately. Is this scary? It can be but for myself I try to embrace my oneness and learn more and more about myself and the person I would like to be from the people that surround me. We are all muses in our each individual story of life. We all tell our own story to others and their perception of us can be like a movie that goes on and on. Sometimes they may want to turn the movie off and others may want to know what is going to happen next. I do not think I am better than anyone by any means, I just think that I, along with everyone else, have different perceptions of the world and what is most important to me and different goals of where I want my life to be right now and go to in the future. I have this idea of how I want people to perceive me and want them to like me for certain things but I can’t ask anyone to do this because people are going to like me or dislike me for their reasons. I will be honest and say I want people to like me for my intelligence and not have my looks be a factor into the equation. I want people to be able to see beyond the facades I put on and see there is something else there. In writing, this is hard to explain because a lot of the people that know me see me as a very bubbly, outgoing, goofy, quirky person and probably have no idea of the thoughts and emotions that are true to me. I may even come off to some people as a complete airhead, typical stereotype dumb blonde. I have a very hard time expressing my views and perceptions in fear of judgment. The moment is not always right for the thoughts I have right then and there or I fear people may look at me and think, “why can’t she just relax and take life with a grain of salt? or ” what in the hell is she talking about?” Rejection is harsh in any form. I make assumptions about certain people figuring they don’t think like I do so I don’t put myself out there but I also am uncomfortable telling certain people my thoughts and feelings. We perceive each other in certain ways and I just feel like I can only share this deep part of me with the people I believe in my eyes would truly appreciate it and react in the manner I would need them to. As I have said a million times over no one has to agree with one word I say but when I share these feelings and thoughts it is with someone that I feel would listen to me with an open mind and give me their input–not someone that would dismiss ideas in a second or only half listen. This is where the confliction comes in. I am a fun, very happy person most of the time that loves to make people smile and laugh but I am never giving my full self which I think can hurt me. I hold a lot of myself in. I am not honest the way I would like to be. I don’t want to be perceived as a silly, “dumb blonde” but when I am nervous this is what comes out. My humor is my defense mechanism and having someone laugh and smile at you is much easier to take than having them look at you puzzled or angry because they don’t like what you have said or done. I have such a hard time accepting the reactions that can hurt me (I’m sure it is not easy for anyone). I am not the type of person to just let things go. To some people all of the explanation in the world as to why I performed certain actions is not going to matter to them. They have seen me a certain way and are not willing to understand why I have done the things I have done. When this happens I question myself and start thinking about my faults and it all spirals into a million thoughts of how others perceive me but I also think how I cannot do anything about it now. The past is the past and now is now. I cannot fix the mistakes I have already made but I can try to change certain things that may bring me more happiness and less worry. This right here is why I have decided to keep this journal. Although this journal has no feelings or emotions and cannot judge me it helps me see myself in a better light. The words are so much easier to express on paper than they are vocally and although my mind can sometimes become boggled down with a million thoughts I am able to see more clearly where my thoughts are at from moment to moment when I have this escape.

In re-reading this I do see a lot of similarities within myself but I do see the difference now of not holding on to so much fear.  Now I allow creative expression overtake my fears.  I officially start my Transcendental Meditation course Tuesday and I am very excited to see what creative changes take place.  Studies have shown that the average human being uses on about 5-10% of their brain.  With TM, a person starts using their entire brain.  I have always been a very nervous person who is always thinking about 15 steps ahead and I complete forgot about the here and now.  That is why I decided to take this course.  I wanted to still hold onto my creativity but I wanted to slow my mind down and allow it to be more open.  Transcendental Meditation is known to help people in such a wide of ways in regards to their physical health as well as their mental/emotional health.  If you are interested in possibly doing it check out the website www.tm.org  I look forward to more of this creative journey and I hope all of you are as well.  Remember to bounce some questions my way of anything you think is worthy of discussing.  I am pretty much open to anything.  :0)

Day 32 Question 32:

What is on your bucket list?

This entry is going to be quite a bit shorter than my usual rants.  I am sure this list will get longer and longer as time passes because there are millions of things I want to experience but I thought this would be a good start and it would allow people to think about their bucket list.  In case you are reading this and you don’t know what a bucket list is, it is a list of things you want/hope to do before you kick the bucket.  I am off to Mt. Pleasant today for the first part of a Transcendental Meditation course I am taking.  I am beyond excited.  I now can say I will have one thing checked off the bucket list.  What’s on your bucket list?

Diane’s Bucket List:

~Traveling Abroad

~Making a monumental speech that impacts people’s lives

~Being a mentor/role-model

~Being a part of several projects that help the less fortunate

~Becoming a life coach or motivational speaker

~Learn to speak Italian or Spanish fluently

~Publish a book-hopefully more than one

~Put a message in a bottle and throw it off the pier into the ocean

~Visit a Buddhist Temple/Monestary

~Learn to paint

~Take photography class(es)

~Start a Youtube channel/make documentary

~Conquer my fear of moving somewhere all by myself

~Sing one more time at an open mic night

~Learn to play piano

~Own a house and create an art/writing studio

~Take an acting class