Day 37 Question 37

Day 37 Question 37:

What is relationship advice you would give to women?

I was looking up different writing topics to see which ones jumped out at me today.  This was one that made me kind of giggle that I thought would be quite amusing to write about…considering I am a 33 year old single woman that has never been married and has no children….oh yea and I have only had 2 “serious” relationships.  I thought it would be fun to answer because although I have not (at least I don’t believe I have) experienced real love, I do believe I understand it and do see all of the ups and downs.  I mean I have been dating for about a million years now—I have met every Mr. Right Now, Mr. Wrong, Mr. Want Only One Thing, Mr. Can’t Stop Talking About Himself, Mr. Has to Drink from Morning to Night (I have met this one more than once), Mr. Calls Every Woman a Drama Queen, Mr. Doesn’t Know the Truth From a Lie…yes I have dated them all.  Maybe the problem is actually me but I am not going to allow myself to believe that.  I know the strengths and weaknesses I have and I know how I have sabotaged myself in relationships.  In 2012 dating has become next to impossible.  Dating has become day to day texting with no human contact.  I am not completely jaded (but I admit to having moments)…I just have a lot to say when it comes to the topic of dating/relationships.  When you see the divorce rate increasing continually (over 50% now) you start to wonder where everything is going wrong.  I just thought I would give my little pieces of advice.  I don’t believe them to be harmful…and they may not be right for every woman…I just speak from my own personal experiences in the dating world (remember I have dated A LOT).  People might even say that I am too picky when it comes to dating/a man and I am completely ok with that.  I would rather be picky and end up with someone that I know is right for me than someone that will do for the moment.  The older I get the more I learn about myself as well as those around me.  So here I leave my relationship/dating advice for all of those that might be interested…please take it as you choose.  :0)

1)       Don’t settle-Maybe you are gaining more years and you are wondering where your Prince Charming is…life does not have to be a certain timeline.  Be different and follow your own timeline.  Mr. Right will fall into your life when the time is right.  Don’t force something because of a moment of loneliness of weakness.

2)      Know what you want and want you need.  In a relationship you can make sacrifices and compromises but don’t change your entire self just to meet the other person’s needs.  Your needs are really important too and deep down you know that.  If you compromise your needs to meet someone else’s you will just build up more and more resentment toward the other person and more anger at yourself.  That doesn’t sound emotionally healthy does it?

3)      Don’t believe everything you read on the Do’s and Don’ts of Dating or rely on Millionaire Matchmaker or Tough Lough (VH1 show) to give you all of the answers.  Every area in the world is different and all people are different.  Dating in Los Angeles, California is going to be very different from dating in some small town in North Dakota.

4)      Don’t talk about your ex/exes…at least not right away.  This is a rule I hear always directed toward women and what I find funny is the last 3 guys that I have gone on dates with have mentioned there exes (some have even shared the lengthy horror stories) within the first 30 minutes of the date.  This rule applies to both sexes.  When you speak of your ex this soon in (a small reference is fine…a long-winded story is not) it just screams that you are bitter and not over this person.  Before anyone flies off the handle, yes I have been guilty of doing this in the past myself.

5)      If you don’t love yourself there is no way you can love someone else.  Oh it sounds so cliché but it is so true…trust me.  Insecurity is the absolute worst.  Think about it…if you are constantly self-criticizing and disliking/hating yourself and you get in some sort of relationship, how healthy is that really going to be?  Are you using this person to make yourself feel better?  Are you using this person to make yourself feel complete?  The chances are you are settling to try to rid yourself of this self-loathing feeling.  If you feel that this is the truth at all, my advice to you is get out.  This is the perfect opportunity to discover yourself and learn to love yourself.  Find all of those things that make you happy.  Figure out what your insecurities are and decided here and now that they are no longer going to control you.  Once you are able to do this you will realize that dating/being in a relationship feels way different.  You will be able to enjoy the companionship but also love your independence.  You will find a balance that you didn’t know existed.  If you love yourself…trust me when I say this…people will be drawn to you.

6)      Don’t use a man for his money.  It’s just tacky.  Yes I am blunt and I don’t care.  If you have had failed relationships in the past I know it is frustrating but making the comment that the next guy you end up with must be rich just makes you sound like a superficial bitch…plus it just gives guys the impression that all of us women are that superficial.  If money is all you care about then I recommend you re-evaluate life because love and money are two entirely different things.

7)      Yes, guys think about in excess every single day.  If you want a man to be in your life for the long haul, don’t act slutty just to get their attention.  Show a man how smart you are or how you can make him laugh.  Sex can be an important part of a relationship but you will find that if that is the only thing you two can relate to that the relationship will fizzle pretty fast.  If you are on a date make sure you aren’t oozing desperation.  Don’t tell your date about how you hung out in your bra and panties all day.  Trust me he knows what you are doing, he has pretty much assumed you are a sure thing, and the chances of a long term relationship are pretty much slim to none.  I know there have been occurrences where people have slept together on the first date then ended up together for years but nowadays the chances are very slim of that happening.  Have respect for yourself.  Leave some mystery.  I say this from experience.  I have rushed into having sex and have had my heart broken one too many times.  Men and women think very differently.  Once you start to accept that, you will start seeing the dating world in a whole different light.

8)      BE YOU!!!!  If a guy doesn’t like you, accept it and move on.  I know it can hurt because you want people to like you but not everyone in the world is going to.  You never want to convince someone to like you are to be with you.  It takes away the realness of the relationship.  I know for myself, that I want a man in my life that feels lucky to be with me and vice versa.  I truly believe that if it is the real deal that it should not be an abundance of work.  If you are dating/seeing someone and he wants to date a bunch of other people at the same time you need to evaluate if that is something you can deal with.  Maybe I am a dreamer but I want a man to meet me and will want to pursue me to see where things go.  Honestly (and this is just my opinion), I feel like if people date multiple people, that they are just selfish.  I know I don’t want to be with a man that is intimate with me and who knows how many more.  I have been there done that and the only outcome is hurt.  Don’t make excuses for a man.  Be you, accept how you feel and what you want (you are that way for a reason), and enjoy life as it comes to you.

A lot of what I say here might be completely cliché to some but I really do find truth in a lot of it.  It took me many years to finally accept what a disaster I was when it came to men.  The goal is not to mold myself but instead to respect myself.  I believe that this is what these pieces of relationship advice really come down to.  Take a look at yourself and see how you have acted in past dating/relationship scenarios.  What would you change?  What did you do right that you would not change?  What did you do wrong (honestly)?  It’s hard to swallow but I was the girl that was pushy and aggressive just to get attention.  I molded myself to what I thought the other person wanted me to be.  This lead to a world of self-esteem issues.  It can be a vicious cycle if you keep up these actions.

Ok to my readers, I want your input.  Share with me what you think of my advice.  What are some of your biggest dating disasters?  Do you have anymore bits of advice?  You know I am dying to hear them.  :0)

This entry was posted in Inspiration, Life, Love, Philosophy, random thoughts, Thoughts, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Day 37 Question 37

  1. morezennow says:

    Dating disaster that turned into the man who wouldn’t go away until I married him and then divorced him. What was I thinking!! Then he turned stalker boy who said he was going to kill me for divorcing him. No lie. It was the worst thing I have ever done…accepting someone because he seemed to be tolerable but was hiding true lunacy. I can laugh about it a little now, only because I can’t believe I was that desparate for someone to love. I’ve grown up a lot. I try to teach my kids (they’re not his thank goodness) to always be true to self and to not like someone just because they like you. Hopefully my words will stick. I will show them this post, too!
    Great post!

  2. I really loved reading this and your advice is bloody marvellous. Kinda like you jumped in my head and stole all of my ‘takes’, so I don’t have muich more to give but if tbhis triggers owt later, i’ll comeback and share. Great post, thanks for a fab read. Dawny 😉

  3. My advice to the fairer sex would be, no matter how strongly you might feel the need to express your emotions, do not tell me you love me within the first ten days of our relationship.

  4. Cat Forsley says:

    between stalkers and baby boys —— ??? YIKES ——
    I think The key —- is honesty first and foremost – chemistry – mind/ soul and of course physical – really secondary – A beautiful Mind / Not wallet is A wonderful Place to start – Especially in Metropolitan Cities – men seem to think – and this is just an opinion! = that money defines them .
    Whereas = i think True Character – Kindness and boldness of heart are way more attractive —- 🙂
    awesome post xx cat

  5. Nina Taylor says:

    Excellent advice. When you learn to love and respect yourself, men will come, and you will be better equipped to judge who is good for you and who isn’t.

  6. Aurora, HSP says:

    Just awesome and just what I needed to read right now 🙂

  7. Aurora, HSP says:

    Reblogged this on AURORA MOREALIST ©2011 ~ Writer and commented:
    This is so awesome, just had to share this wise woman’s post!

  8. My wife and I met online over ten years ago. After many emails and phone calls we met. I had to go out of town (again) for a month. When I returned we spent the weekend togerther. That was techincally our second date. I went to work that Monday morning and she called me at work if I wanted dinner. I showed up and I only returned to my own house to let the movers in. We now have a wonderful 7 year old daughter and we have never been happier.

    This was both of our second marriages (with baggage.) We met when we were 33, finished with phd’s and settled in careers.

    My advice is to be secure in yourself, know who you are and what you want. Wait for the person who challenges you and also compliments you.
    Guys -keep it in your pants for a while-
    Ladies -yes! Some guys are pigs do beware- make them earn it. Regardless of what our society wants you to think women hold the strings.

  9. reeyah says:

    Thanks for this. You’ve stated universal truths, in my opinion, especially number 1. I’m happy that I’m not the only one who thinks it. Everything you’ve said applies to dating even here in my country. I’ve had first hand experience too with Mr Wants Only One Thing and what you wrote in #4 (blind date; guy sits down, first thing he says, “oh, you look like my ex” WTH).

  10. paul says:

    Some nice homegrown truths in your blog. Some women are worse than the men when it comes to unloading their emotional baggage! I really dont want to know all their hangups on our first/second/third etc dates. Grow into a relationship.

  11. reneeboomer says:

    Fantastic post!! I am going to print this off and show it to my Grand daughter in a few years. Thanks for your honesty. 🙂

  12. jim says:

    oh diane, there are so many. first i would say, if you’re thinking… this guy’s great except {fill in the blank here}, but i can change that. this will result in failure. people may change but they don’t change to suit someone else’s idea of how they should change. second, although there are plenty of examples of men behaving badly and bad men really, the vast majority of us are not bad. third, the incessant unrelenting desire for carnal relations is a biological necessity to the species (evolution-wise) and we as men, neither asked for it or consider it 100% positive. i’ve often said, if not for libido, i’d be king of the world. it’s amazing that i was able to get through college with the nagging, non-stop and completely distracting urge that starts anew upon waking each day. better stop there.

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