Day 37 Question 37:

What is relationship advice you would give to women?

I was looking up different writing topics to see which ones jumped out at me today.  This was one that made me kind of giggle that I thought would be quite amusing to write about…considering I am a 33 year old single woman that has never been married and has no children….oh yea and I have only had 2 “serious” relationships.  I thought it would be fun to answer because although I have not (at least I don’t believe I have) experienced real love, I do believe I understand it and do see all of the ups and downs.  I mean I have been dating for about a million years now—I have met every Mr. Right Now, Mr. Wrong, Mr. Want Only One Thing, Mr. Can’t Stop Talking About Himself, Mr. Has to Drink from Morning to Night (I have met this one more than once), Mr. Calls Every Woman a Drama Queen, Mr. Doesn’t Know the Truth From a Lie…yes I have dated them all.  Maybe the problem is actually me but I am not going to allow myself to believe that.  I know the strengths and weaknesses I have and I know how I have sabotaged myself in relationships.  In 2012 dating has become next to impossible.  Dating has become day to day texting with no human contact.  I am not completely jaded (but I admit to having moments)…I just have a lot to say when it comes to the topic of dating/relationships.  When you see the divorce rate increasing continually (over 50% now) you start to wonder where everything is going wrong.  I just thought I would give my little pieces of advice.  I don’t believe them to be harmful…and they may not be right for every woman…I just speak from my own personal experiences in the dating world (remember I have dated A LOT).  People might even say that I am too picky when it comes to dating/a man and I am completely ok with that.  I would rather be picky and end up with someone that I know is right for me than someone that will do for the moment.  The older I get the more I learn about myself as well as those around me.  So here I leave my relationship/dating advice for all of those that might be interested…please take it as you choose.  :0)

1)       Don’t settle-Maybe you are gaining more years and you are wondering where your Prince Charming is…life does not have to be a certain timeline.  Be different and follow your own timeline.  Mr. Right will fall into your life when the time is right.  Don’t force something because of a moment of loneliness of weakness.

2)      Know what you want and want you need.  In a relationship you can make sacrifices and compromises but don’t change your entire self just to meet the other person’s needs.  Your needs are really important too and deep down you know that.  If you compromise your needs to meet someone else’s you will just build up more and more resentment toward the other person and more anger at yourself.  That doesn’t sound emotionally healthy does it?

3)      Don’t believe everything you read on the Do’s and Don’ts of Dating or rely on Millionaire Matchmaker or Tough Lough (VH1 show) to give you all of the answers.  Every area in the world is different and all people are different.  Dating in Los Angeles, California is going to be very different from dating in some small town in North Dakota.

4)      Don’t talk about your ex/exes…at least not right away.  This is a rule I hear always directed toward women and what I find funny is the last 3 guys that I have gone on dates with have mentioned there exes (some have even shared the lengthy horror stories) within the first 30 minutes of the date.  This rule applies to both sexes.  When you speak of your ex this soon in (a small reference is fine…a long-winded story is not) it just screams that you are bitter and not over this person.  Before anyone flies off the handle, yes I have been guilty of doing this in the past myself.

5)      If you don’t love yourself there is no way you can love someone else.  Oh it sounds so cliché but it is so true…trust me.  Insecurity is the absolute worst.  Think about it…if you are constantly self-criticizing and disliking/hating yourself and you get in some sort of relationship, how healthy is that really going to be?  Are you using this person to make yourself feel better?  Are you using this person to make yourself feel complete?  The chances are you are settling to try to rid yourself of this self-loathing feeling.  If you feel that this is the truth at all, my advice to you is get out.  This is the perfect opportunity to discover yourself and learn to love yourself.  Find all of those things that make you happy.  Figure out what your insecurities are and decided here and now that they are no longer going to control you.  Once you are able to do this you will realize that dating/being in a relationship feels way different.  You will be able to enjoy the companionship but also love your independence.  You will find a balance that you didn’t know existed.  If you love yourself…trust me when I say this…people will be drawn to you.

6)      Don’t use a man for his money.  It’s just tacky.  Yes I am blunt and I don’t care.  If you have had failed relationships in the past I know it is frustrating but making the comment that the next guy you end up with must be rich just makes you sound like a superficial bitch…plus it just gives guys the impression that all of us women are that superficial.  If money is all you care about then I recommend you re-evaluate life because love and money are two entirely different things.

7)      Yes, guys think about in excess every single day.  If you want a man to be in your life for the long haul, don’t act slutty just to get their attention.  Show a man how smart you are or how you can make him laugh.  Sex can be an important part of a relationship but you will find that if that is the only thing you two can relate to that the relationship will fizzle pretty fast.  If you are on a date make sure you aren’t oozing desperation.  Don’t tell your date about how you hung out in your bra and panties all day.  Trust me he knows what you are doing, he has pretty much assumed you are a sure thing, and the chances of a long term relationship are pretty much slim to none.  I know there have been occurrences where people have slept together on the first date then ended up together for years but nowadays the chances are very slim of that happening.  Have respect for yourself.  Leave some mystery.  I say this from experience.  I have rushed into having sex and have had my heart broken one too many times.  Men and women think very differently.  Once you start to accept that, you will start seeing the dating world in a whole different light.

8)      BE YOU!!!!  If a guy doesn’t like you, accept it and move on.  I know it can hurt because you want people to like you but not everyone in the world is going to.  You never want to convince someone to like you are to be with you.  It takes away the realness of the relationship.  I know for myself, that I want a man in my life that feels lucky to be with me and vice versa.  I truly believe that if it is the real deal that it should not be an abundance of work.  If you are dating/seeing someone and he wants to date a bunch of other people at the same time you need to evaluate if that is something you can deal with.  Maybe I am a dreamer but I want a man to meet me and will want to pursue me to see where things go.  Honestly (and this is just my opinion), I feel like if people date multiple people, that they are just selfish.  I know I don’t want to be with a man that is intimate with me and who knows how many more.  I have been there done that and the only outcome is hurt.  Don’t make excuses for a man.  Be you, accept how you feel and what you want (you are that way for a reason), and enjoy life as it comes to you.

A lot of what I say here might be completely cliché to some but I really do find truth in a lot of it.  It took me many years to finally accept what a disaster I was when it came to men.  The goal is not to mold myself but instead to respect myself.  I believe that this is what these pieces of relationship advice really come down to.  Take a look at yourself and see how you have acted in past dating/relationship scenarios.  What would you change?  What did you do right that you would not change?  What did you do wrong (honestly)?  It’s hard to swallow but I was the girl that was pushy and aggressive just to get attention.  I molded myself to what I thought the other person wanted me to be.  This lead to a world of self-esteem issues.  It can be a vicious cycle if you keep up these actions.

Ok to my readers, I want your input.  Share with me what you think of my advice.  What are some of your biggest dating disasters?  Do you have anymore bits of advice?  You know I am dying to hear them.  :0)