Day 33 Question 33:

How have you changed over the years?

I decided to show some pictures of myself over the years so my readers can see how much I have changed :0)

For several years I kept a livejournal.  I would visit it every once in a while and then took many years off.  I was immersed in work, school, working out, etc.  After finally having a big epiphany about my own happiness I decided that I was going to write as often as possible.  I never want to force creativity but when I have the urge I now try to at least write down the thoughts and revisit them when I have a chance.  So, I decided to revisit my livejournal and skim through some entries.  I decided to share an old entry from February 28, 2006…yes, almost 6 years ago.  I have realized that there are a lot of similarities in my writings with the way I think but I see great differences as well.  In the past I mainly wrote when I was upset, sad or depressed.  Now I write through all of my emotions.  I state my opinions on what I believe matters the most.  I believe I have started seeing the picture along with all of its little details.  So here is the past entry (for those of you who have been reading my blog let me know if you see similarities and differences):

I have these surges in my body of feeling so good like I am floating on a cloud. I turn on a song I love, close my eyes and there is nothing but the lyrics and the music floating all around my body-bouncing off of my skin. I feel how wild it is to be able to relate to so many types of music. There are artists out there that have written songs I would swear were written about me. They are something I have felt so completely and I envy the expression they are able to preview to whoever they choose and be able to do it in such a non-boring way. I would do anything to just step into someone else’s body for just a little bit of time to understand how they feel and how they think. There are so many classifications of people in the world and I am not quite sure where I fit but if I were to have to put a definition on it I would say I am a philosopher and an artist. I see beauty in so many things and the goals I have in life focus so much on being able to excel artistically in many forms and I never stop questioning. I question life, love, reality, truth–I question everything. I can get caught up in ignorance and can sometimes overlook the things I shouldn’t but for the most part I am very aware. I am aware of my surroundings. I am aware of my faults and when I do things wrong. I am aware of my weaknesses. I am aware of how others act and although I may initially judge and not like or agree with their actions I try to understand and analyze why they do as they do and realize my judgment comes from the person not being like me. It is frustrating when people don’t think or act as we do because this is what we understand and when someone does or says something so drastically different it throws us off balance. We are all selfish. The word selfish though has been established with such a negative definition behind it and I personally don’t believe it should be. We have all heard there is no such thing as a selfless good deed, well this is ultimately true. We can do things because we want others to feel good but when they feel good we feel good. Our own individual happiness is what is most important. We all look out for ourselves because we are the one and only person that we truly live through. We can sacrifice and walk to the end of the earth for other people but it is our OWN emotions and being that do all of this. We may all live together but we all live as individuals separately. Is this scary? It can be but for myself I try to embrace my oneness and learn more and more about myself and the person I would like to be from the people that surround me. We are all muses in our each individual story of life. We all tell our own story to others and their perception of us can be like a movie that goes on and on. Sometimes they may want to turn the movie off and others may want to know what is going to happen next. I do not think I am better than anyone by any means, I just think that I, along with everyone else, have different perceptions of the world and what is most important to me and different goals of where I want my life to be right now and go to in the future. I have this idea of how I want people to perceive me and want them to like me for certain things but I can’t ask anyone to do this because people are going to like me or dislike me for their reasons. I will be honest and say I want people to like me for my intelligence and not have my looks be a factor into the equation. I want people to be able to see beyond the facades I put on and see there is something else there. In writing, this is hard to explain because a lot of the people that know me see me as a very bubbly, outgoing, goofy, quirky person and probably have no idea of the thoughts and emotions that are true to me. I may even come off to some people as a complete airhead, typical stereotype dumb blonde. I have a very hard time expressing my views and perceptions in fear of judgment. The moment is not always right for the thoughts I have right then and there or I fear people may look at me and think, “why can’t she just relax and take life with a grain of salt? or ” what in the hell is she talking about?” Rejection is harsh in any form. I make assumptions about certain people figuring they don’t think like I do so I don’t put myself out there but I also am uncomfortable telling certain people my thoughts and feelings. We perceive each other in certain ways and I just feel like I can only share this deep part of me with the people I believe in my eyes would truly appreciate it and react in the manner I would need them to. As I have said a million times over no one has to agree with one word I say but when I share these feelings and thoughts it is with someone that I feel would listen to me with an open mind and give me their input–not someone that would dismiss ideas in a second or only half listen. This is where the confliction comes in. I am a fun, very happy person most of the time that loves to make people smile and laugh but I am never giving my full self which I think can hurt me. I hold a lot of myself in. I am not honest the way I would like to be. I don’t want to be perceived as a silly, “dumb blonde” but when I am nervous this is what comes out. My humor is my defense mechanism and having someone laugh and smile at you is much easier to take than having them look at you puzzled or angry because they don’t like what you have said or done. I have such a hard time accepting the reactions that can hurt me (I’m sure it is not easy for anyone). I am not the type of person to just let things go. To some people all of the explanation in the world as to why I performed certain actions is not going to matter to them. They have seen me a certain way and are not willing to understand why I have done the things I have done. When this happens I question myself and start thinking about my faults and it all spirals into a million thoughts of how others perceive me but I also think how I cannot do anything about it now. The past is the past and now is now. I cannot fix the mistakes I have already made but I can try to change certain things that may bring me more happiness and less worry. This right here is why I have decided to keep this journal. Although this journal has no feelings or emotions and cannot judge me it helps me see myself in a better light. The words are so much easier to express on paper than they are vocally and although my mind can sometimes become boggled down with a million thoughts I am able to see more clearly where my thoughts are at from moment to moment when I have this escape.

In re-reading this I do see a lot of similarities within myself but I do see the difference now of not holding on to so much fear.  Now I allow creative expression overtake my fears.  I officially start my Transcendental Meditation course Tuesday and I am very excited to see what creative changes take place.  Studies have shown that the average human being uses on about 5-10% of their brain.  With TM, a person starts using their entire brain.  I have always been a very nervous person who is always thinking about 15 steps ahead and I complete forgot about the here and now.  That is why I decided to take this course.  I wanted to still hold onto my creativity but I wanted to slow my mind down and allow it to be more open.  Transcendental Meditation is known to help people in such a wide of ways in regards to their physical health as well as their mental/emotional health.  If you are interested in possibly doing it check out the website www.tm.org  I look forward to more of this creative journey and I hope all of you are as well.  Remember to bounce some questions my way of anything you think is worthy of discussing.  I am pretty much open to anything.  :0)