Day 169 Question 169:

What is something(s) you would protest for?

For the people that know me (whether in the real sense or virtual sense), you all know that I have this huge passionate part of me.  I love to educate myself on world issues and causes and become involved when I can (which is sometimes difficult with how busy my schedule can be).  I have never protested but I would without question if the cause were something that I felt that deep passion about.  The protest would have to be peaceful though.  I have never understand this strikes and protests that become violent…in my opinion, it completely defeats the point.

There are so many issues I would peacefully protest for: women’s rights, education (especially early education 0-5 years old), women’s right, equality for ALL, etc.  One major issue I would protest for would be for gay rights.  I write so much about my thoughts and opinions about gay rights that people could potentially think I am gay.  I am not but I believe that EVERYONE should have the same rights.  My closest friend is gay and he is such an amazing person that I would fight for his rights as if they were my own.  I love me some gays…hahaha :0)

Last night I watched a documentary called This Is What Love In Action Looks Like.  This emotional and revealing documentary examines the widespread religious intolerance of homosexuality by following the experience of a gay youth who is sent by his parents to a Christian-backed camp in order to be turned straight.  Adults could check into this program at their own will but parents could also force their children into the program to “change” them.  I was appalled that programs like this existed.  These “Christians” believed that people were not really gay but in fact they were just taking part in inappropriate behaviors.  They believed that they could change these young men and women by exposing them to “masculine” activities.  The amount of rules and regulations these young people had to follow were outrageous.  They were not allowed to wear anything by Calvin Klein or Abercrombie and Fitch.  They were not allowed to have eye contact with anyone.  They were not allowed to watch any TV or be exposed to any kind of media.  These people were being shamed.  They were being brainwashed to believe that there was something very wrong with them and that God would not love them or accept them if they were homosexual.  I couldn’t believe it.  I am unsure of my exact thoughts and beliefs on God but I do believe that if there is an existence of a higher power, that he would NEVER want people to be shamed like this.  I truly believe that God is Love.  I never really understand that expression until recently and I truly believe in it.  God is love and God (no matter what form he is in or how people believe in him or what they believe about him) loves all.

After hearing about a 16 year old boy that was being forced into this program (he started a blog talking about it prior to going..discussing how he didn’t want to go and he felt emotionally betrayed and saddened) protestors started forming outside of the program building in which he was staying.  His blog blew up in no time and people from all over started protesting.  They held up signs saying things such as: GOD LOVES ALL OF US and WE LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE!  These people were using their voice to tell a young man (that a lot of them didn’t even know) that there was absolutely nothing wrong with him.  They believed that what was taking place in this facility was so very wrong on so many levels.  It touched my heart to see people take a stand for a complete stranger and to try to encourage people to see through love and to embrace people for who they are…not try to “fix” them or “mold” them.  These people protested for several weeks and the Executive Director, John Smid was driving up to the building and the protestors chanted to him: GOD LOVES YOU TOO JOHN SMID.  He resigned from his job shortly after.  He realized that God would not want him to be changing people and telling them that they are “broken” and need to be “fixed”.  He was a “reformed” homosexual that later was married and at this current time, I do not know what he claims his sexual orientation to be but I was so touched that this man saw the err of his ways and he embraced life in a way in which he wanted people to be treated equally…and this happened because of the peaceful protest going on right outside of his office doors.

I wanted to share a couple of website links with you as well as articles that touched me…if only more people could change for the better.

http://www.truthwinsout.org/blog/2010/01/6184/

http://www.gracerivers.com/tag/john-smid/

Book Publishing process for “The Journey of Grace” has been put on hold.

Another book project has taken precedent!

The protest in Memphis on June 2005 brought a challenge to John Smid’s heart and to his belief system.  Since that day, there has been a dramatic transition of thought.  John has created a manuscript of the major challenges and his reactions to those challenges that is now in the process of becoming a book.

John’s working title is “God!  Surprise me.”

John Smid at GCN 2012-web flipAfter twenty-three years of faithful service to hundreds, if not thousands of men and women through a formal ministry called “Love In Action,” John resigned in May of 2008.

John has been known worldwide as one of the stable men who fought fearlessly for the truth of God that he believed condemned the practice of homosexuality. His ministry included one of the largest ministries that also included a residential program unparalleled other models of ministry that proclaimed “Freedom from Homosexuality through Jesus Christ.”

His ministry included speaking and leading conferences on three continents and travelling throughout the United States to release thousands of pages of personally written material into the hands of those hurting and desiring to hear that God could and would dramatically change someone’s sexuality so that homosexuality would no longer be a burden.

It was at the time of his resignation after several years of painful stress and personal challenges, that he chose not to make any plans for his future and prayed, “God, I don’t want to contrive my future plans, so surprise me!”

During the next four years, John began to evaluate his years of ministry and realized that there was something new coming directly from God that changed his entire baseline of thought. He also realized that he had made many mistakes. So, John took a deep personal inventory and has chosen to write an extensive weekly web-blog which would later also include a formal acknowledgement of the ways he feels he has been wrong.

Through these pages you will find not only vulnerable and extensive personal process, but also a serious apology unlike any that has been written before by anyone who was in leadership within the culture of what has been known as “Ex-gay” ministry.

John will also share with you the dramatic transition he has gone through that has brought waves of questions and shock to those involved in the communities he served for over two decades.

June 6th, 2005 a major protest occurred at a ministry that John was leading called “Love In Action”. The protests were organized by Morgan Jon Fox, a local Memphis film producer. The protests created an international stir which would have naturally created a field of animosity to sort out. Morgan developed a documentary called “This is What Love In Action Looks Like” that chronicles the two week protest event.  Due to their conflicting positions that drove a wedge between John and Morgan, it was clear that these two were virtual enemies. Amazingly, John and Morgan developed a respectful friendship and realized that it was because of the application of the nine core values in A Journey of Grace!

John  asked Morgan to write his thoughts on the book. This excerpt from what Morgan wrote gives some insights as to how Morgan saw these tools work in his relationship with John.

“Over time as me and John began to meet more and more we had long conversations about what was going on in our lives. We both shared deeply personal things about our families and friends. We didn’t debate, or argue about our differences. What this allowed was a chance for two people to find out they had plenty in common without dwelling on what made them opposites. It created a mutual respect that would lay the foundation for growth and trust. It opened the door for something I never could have seen coming…a friendship.”

Morgan Jon Fox, Love In Action Protestor; Filmmaker – Sawed Off Productions

A Letter of Apology by John Smid

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

For many years I have contemplated the times I have heard that some people have said they were harmed or wounded from their experience with Love In Action or Exodus International. More often than not my reactions have not been favorable. In my own mind I didn’t feel there was any merit to the accusations. After all, “I have given 22 years of my life sacrificially just to hear how we harmed you!”

Well I certainly know the sound of a defensive reaction when I hear one! I was it! I didn’t want to hear anything that was critical or negative. But, I believe in listening to the heart of others no matter how critical it may sound. I needed to check in on my own heart to see if there was any validation to their comments. Of course, there was.

Since I was in leadership with both organizations I have certainly have been at the center of many of the criticisms. The scripture challenges us to be careful with what we say and do as leaders because of the higher standard that is expected and deserved from those whom we care for.

In the last two years I have had a lot of time to ponder, pray, and sort through many facets of my vocational ministry history. Since I have had a lot of alone time my searching has been easier to handle.

I was recently contacted by David Roberts from the “Ex-gay Watch” and online blog for those following the ex-gay movement. David had seen a recent announcement of the new Grace Group that is being started by Grace Rivers and wanted me to write something. In our discussion we both felt it would be good for me to address some of the criticisms out there concerning my leadership in “ex-gay” ministry. I have taken the last week to write a letter and to that end, here it is.

It’s Time for Honesty!

From John J. Smid to the readers of Ex-gay Watch,

Just a little bit of history here. I became a Christian in 1982. My new faith created conflicts in my homosexual relationship and eventually we broke up. It was at that point and I decided to pursue my relationship with Jesus instead of looking for a new relationship right away.

When I had been celibate for several years I felt that I wanted be married to a woman. I had been married previously and in my heart wanted to give that a try again.

I met my wife Vileen in 1985 and we married in 1988. We have had a good, faithful marriage just as I had hoped. I told her about my homosexuality right after we had met. She has walked alongside me knowing that I have chosen her rather than to pursue a homosexual relationship. She is aware that my attractions haven’t changed in general towards men but that I love her deeply and make choices daily to remain faithful to our marriage and have not regretted that decision.

In 1986 I moved to San Rafael California to work as a volunteer for Love In Action. I am passionate about people and spent 22 years with Love In Action. Since Exodus International was in our same office most of those years I also became involved with them right away.

By 1995 I had been involved in Love In Action and Exodus for nine years and was asked to give a talk in a general session at the Exodus national conference. God had brought me to a point where I was willing to admit to myself that I still had homosexual attractions. As a result of my own internal process of disclosure I decided to give my talk on the topic of honesty. I spoke of my current homosexual attractions and challenged the audience to be honest with themselves. I have always been as intentional as I could to share freely about those things whenever I speak or meet with someone who can relate to homosexuality.

The Famous Protest

On June 6th of 2005, when the protestors showed up on the sidewalks in front of Love In Action to speak against the Refuge Program, my world was rocked. But within just a couple of days my heart was humbled by the gracious words coming from those who were outside such as “God Loves You”. The truth spoken from them caused me to think and began to soften my heart.

A lot has changed since then. God does love me and He loved me enough to continue to shave off some things in my life that have been wrong, offensive, calloused and judgmental. Through the humility of Morgan Fox, one of the leaders of the protest, I was humbled once again. His pursuit of a relationship with me, though I did not deserve it, has been another tool that God has used to break through parts of my heart that needed to be touched.

Morgan asked me to interview for a documentary he is producing about the protests. I resisted for a long time. After many meetings with Morgan I began to see his godly character and agreed to an interview because I trusted him. During our camera time the discussions involved things from the past that have been said about Love In Action or about me as the former leader. I had spent many hours and in some cases years, pondering these things and wondered how I could make amends for the things that had hurt or wounded others during my 22 years of leadership with Love In Action. Certainly there were many.

Please Forgive Me

In 1994 an article was written that said that I told a young man it would be better for him to commit suicide than for him to go into the gay lifestyle. I have been haunted by that article all through the years. I have felt defensive, reactionary and frustrated every time I have read it not knowing how I could in any way, clear it away. Maybe this will help.

I want to publically say to the young man, “I am very sorry for the conversation that I had with you that fateful day. I loved you very much as a brother and feel deeply grieved for the way that my words hurt you.” If I could, I would erase the conversation and start all over with ” I love you, and as you move on I will pray for God’s very best for you in your life. No matter what you do, Jesus deeply loves you.” “Please forgive me.”

Some people have spoken out about being wounded through their experience with Love In Action. ” I want to say I am very sorry for the things that have wounded you or hurt you by my hands of leadership at Love In Action or anything I have done personally that has harmed you.” “Please forgive me.”

Exodus International

I was a member of the board of directors of Exodus International for eleven years. I spoke on many occasions in general sessions and in workshops at the national conferences for most of the 22 years I was involved in Love In Action and Exodus. Thousands of men and women came to Exodus ministries and conferences looking for a hand, seeking hope, or for someone to hear their heart and understand.

I am a very verbal person and can speak at times without thoroughly thinking through what I might say before it comes out of my mouth. Without question I know I have said things that may have hurt someone or caused confusion or discouragement. Please forgive me for the things I have said that were not helpful or were further damaging of your tender heart.

As a board member of Exodus International I felt a strong sense of stewardship for the lives we hoped we would impact with the love of Jesus. I have learned a lot more over the last couple of years about how unconditional His love really is. I believe I could have done a better job of letting people know that Jesus loves them purely because He does, unconditionally. I am sorry for not being a better vessel of the Love of Christ to those who deeply need to know of His love. I realize I was often more concerned with telling people how to live than I was with imparting God’s grace so that they would want to live!

Refuge Program

Now, regarding the most highly publicized” Refuge Program” for teens that was held through Love In Action. If I could go back and do anything differently based on what I know today – it would be the Refuge Program. I have a hard time admitting it but the protests did bring about a season for me to reevaluate my life, my heart, and the Refuge Program. God did an amazing work in me through the challenges that resulted from the people who came to the streets in front of our ministry, morning and night, for two weeks.

I really wanted to help the young men in our program but in some cases the design of our program caused more harm for some of these kids that it did good. I am very sorry for the ways that Refuge further wounded teens that were already in a very delicate place in life. I am grateful for the way that God lovingly called us to revamp the methods for dealing with families with teens so that more teens weren’t hurt.

I have been a Christian for almost 30 years. There are myriads of things that I do or that go through my mind that aren’t biblically appropriate. There are many things that God wants me to change in my own life so that I can be a better person, love Him more and love others better.  I do not want a judgmental heart to separate me from people that I love dearly.

Leaving Love In Action

It has been almost two years since I left the ministry of Love In Action in May of 2008. I have had many days and hours alone to think and ponder the last 22 years. God has dug deep into my heart and caused me to see something very important that he wanted me to know. He loves me unconditionally. His grace is sufficient for me. I cannot do anything that He hasn’t forgiven, isn’t forgiving, and won’t forgive and it is up to Him to restore my soul, I can’t do that myself.

I am not the judge and jury of other people. I can’t see another person’s heart like He can. I cannot redeem anyone, only He can. I don’t know what someone might need today but he does.

If you have been wounded by me or harmed through the hands of my leadership; please come to me and allow an opportunity for me to personally apologize with the hope that we can both be released from the bondage of unforgiveness.

Grace Rivers

I am leading a new ministry called Grace Rivers. It’s primary focus isn’t to be an ex-gay ministry but within the context of offering grace and the Love of Jesus to our world we are starting grace groups for people impacted by homosexuality.

As a brand new start, Grace Rivers is an outpouring of the many of the changes in my own heart. I have based this work on nine core values starting with honesty, moving on to listening to others effectively, and in the end giving respect because God does. I have attempted to pursue these values in my own life to the best of my ability. God is still working on restoring me so I know He is doing the same with others. We are all on a road of life that is hopefully improving day by day. He says He will complete the work He has started so I trust Him fully with my life and with the lives of others who know Him.

Sincerely,

John J. Smid

Day 168 Question 168:

Do you believe there is such thing as an honest politician?

Well it is that time in our nation when politicians go head to head in the democracy ring.  Honestly, I HATE this time.  I detest all of the negative political ads where politicians bash each other and tell us all of the things their opponent is doing “wrong” but not once do they state what they themselves are doing “right”.  Do I believe that there is such thing as an honest politician?  No, I do not.  I believe politics has become a game and the people of this nation have been forgotten.   Yes, my words are blunt but it is how I feel.  I believe that almost any politician can be paid off it is means they are going to make more money or hold more power.  I find it mind-blowing how politicians will act (well just some people in general) in order to obtain power.  Were these the guys in high school that were picked on so now they have to prove that they are the big dogs?

I will admit 100% that I am not as well versed on politics as I should be.  I guess I am just so sick of hearing about all of the negatives…and that is pretty much all politics is.  It is a constant battle of he said/she said…well mostly he said/she said since there are very few women in the political game.  I watched a very interesting documentary the other day (for the life of me I cannot remember the title) and it had to do with politicians that were caught in same-sex acts yet when it comes to voting on certain issues they have all voted against same-sex marriage, gay adoption, hate-crime protection.  They are not true to themselves.  How can we the people trust them to be true and honest to an entire nation?  There are several politicians that have cheated on their spouses and they have taken vows.  Maybe I am just naïve but if someone cannot even hold up their end of the bargain in marriage, what is to make me believe that they will hold up their end of the bargain to do what is in the best interest of this country???  I think a majority of politicians are only looking out for #1.  I think it is gross that these political campaigns cost the amount that they do…when our country is already suffering financially.  I am sick of opening my computer and seeing different articles about which celebrity Obama is hanging out with today.  Really???  He is so desperate to win this election that he is going to buddy up to celebrities knowing that a lot of the population can be easily swayed by their favorite celebrities.

Yes, this entry would seem like a negative rant.  I guess in a way it is.  I just have become disappointed with the direction this country has taken.  We have this great potential but I believe it is being wasted.  Instead of coming together, the political system is driving us further apart.  I guess I just believe in honesty and trying to do the right thing without causing a big uproar.  I don’t understand why these powerful political figures feel that an argument and a fight is going to solve the problem.  People are going to think the way that they choose no matter how much they are told that they are wrong.  I worked in nonprofit for several years and I now refuse to go back to the county I worked in because there is absolutely no change occurring (positive changes) and there are far too many chiefs and not enough Indians.  No voices are ever heard and too many people want to be in power and no one wants to work together…even though 4-5 different organizations are doing the exact same thing.  God forbid we pool the money and work together….that would mean some people would need to step down from their titles and we know that it not going to happen.

Politics has made this world a very ugly place.  I do understand we need to do something to avoid mass chaos but politics has become so ridiculous.  People are unable to even speak nowadays without being slapped on the hand and told that they are being politically incorrect.  When did it all get so out of hand?  We go into other countries to fight in war and we can’t even get along in our own country.  We are divided on almost every issue.  It is quite sad.  I know it seems like I am being really negative in this post….I guess I just don’t understand why things are the way that they are.

I found an article on the issue that I wanted to share.  I apologize for my negativity…I just have to admit that I detest when the time comes of political campaigning and I feel like as time goes on the more dishonest and crooked we are finding politicians to be.

Dishonesty in Politics

Politicians are notorious for never giving a direct answer to anything. Why do we let them get away with this? Presumably they only do it because it works for them — perhaps they can’t risk providing their opponents with a juicy quote to exploit, so instead they merely waffle. But this can’t be good for democracy. We should be looking for ways to change our political culture so that sincerity is rewarded and disingenuity discouraged. We need to get the incentives right.

This means that journalists need to be willing to ask the hard questions. And if the politicians start to give misleading or waffly answers, they need to be called on this, interrupted, and told to state their position clearly or else shut up. If politicians are obviously being dishonest, then analysts shouldn’t hesitate to point this out, loud and clear, shaming the liars and forcing them to own their words. (Blogs are generally good for this much, if nothing else, as demonstrated by recent posts on Frogblog and No Right Turn, for example.)

Just as important, we should be willing to accept politicians who own up to making a mistake. When Labour makes a u-turn, they shouldn’t try to hide the fact. They should stand tall and say, “Yes, our past policy was stupid, for reasons x, y and z. That’s why we’ve changed it to this new policy which avoids these problems because of p, q and r. We’re here to promote what’s best for the country, and we’re not too proud to let our past mistakes get in the way.” (Of course, if they can’t offer any such explanation — say, because the new policy is actually no better, but is simply an opportunistic vote-grabber — then they shouldn’t be proposing the policy in the first place.)

My opinion of a politician would actually improve were they to make such a frank admission. But I guess I mustn’t be the average voter. Besides, no doubt partisans would jump all over such an admission, and use it to paint the politician as “incompetant” or a “flip-flopper” or some other nonsense. To any bloggers reading this who would be tempted to behave in such a fashion, I ask you simply: please don’t. You’re damaging the quality of political discourse. Just don’t do it.

Perhaps late-night blogging lends itself to misplaced idealism, but I simply cannot comprehend why we tolerate such unclarity in our political discourse. Surely our current political culture is not by necessity so muddled. We could make it better. So why don’t we?

Politicians should be exposed not just for dishonesty, but also illogic. An example that springs to mind is Rodney Hide telling National supporters to vote ACT instead because National “can’t govern alone” and so will need ACT there as support. But of course what matters isn’t the number of parties, but the number of seats obtained by the left vs right blocs. If National loses seats to ACT, that will do nothing at all to make a National government more likely. Rather, what National needs is for the center-right to get as many seats as possible, however they are distributed. So Hide’s argument is simply illogical. (There are complications regarding the 5% threshold which I won’t get into here. Suffice it to say that while there are possible situations where it would benefit National to sacrifice some of its votes to ACT, that is an entirely different argument from the idiotic one that Hide was presenting — which quite literally consisted of nothing more than the premise “National cannot govern alone”, from which he tried to derive “so National supporters should vote for ACT instead”. And he gets away with it too. Pitiful.)

There are some issues that are genuinely difficult, and we can’t expect any easy answers to them. But for others, it really isn’t that hard to come to the truth if one is willing to think critically. Politicians and partisans defend obvious falsehoods all the time. It shouldn’t happen. They ought to be exposed as either stupid or dishonest. Once we’re all agreed on the easy questions, then we can concentrate on disputing the hard ones. And if we continue to hold each other up to the high standards of reasoned discourse, then perhaps some real progress might be made. So why aren’t we doing this?

Day 166 Question 166:

What are you looking forward to?

Day 165 Question 165:

What do you think about at night when you can’t sleep/before you go to sleep?

I lay in bed every night winding down from the day.  Some of my days are nonstop and once my body is comfortable positioned in my bed I take the time to just relax my mind and body.  I can never go to sleep right away…even if I am really tried.  My mind has been wired to use this time to think and to wonder.  My thoughts are never the same of course.  I spend a little bit of this time reflecting on my day but mainly I think about the future and wonder what life is going to be like.  I try very hard to stay in the present and live in the now but I do love to spend time daydreaming (I guess in this case it would be night dreaming) and building “scenes” in my head of what the future could be.  I don’t stress over these things and wonder “what if?” as much anymore.  I just allow my mind to wonder and visualize things naturally.

Just recently I was lying in bed and I had finished reading the last book of 50 Shades of Grey.  I found the book quite cheesy and for the most part annoying (sorry ladies) but it got me thinking about my Prince Charming.  I am so undecided on whether or not I would ever want to get married.  I LOVE my independence.  I would love having a man in my life and share a lot of experiences with him.  I am just unsure about bringing any legal paperwork into the relationship.  I am not the typical girly girl that dreams of the perfect proposal and the lavish wedding.  I am simplistic.  I never pictured the proposal but I pictured myself in a white lace gown surrounded by a small group of friends and family followed by a party that was not overtaken by masses of people that I did not or hardly knew….small by perfect.  I thought about a life being built between us and I dreamt of art and creativity being a huge part of our home.  Who knows if these things are in my future….it is fun to fanaticize about.

I think about who will be a part of my life in the future.  I think about what the world will be like in 10 years.  I think about what I will be doing to make a difference in this world.  I think about the people in my life that are so important to me and I hope that they experience happiness that they all deserve.  I think about the good, the bad and the unbelievable.  I think about change a lot…changes I want to continue making for myself and changes I want to see in the world.   It takes a while for my mind to slow down and for my head to stop spinning.  I have finally come to accept that I am a person that does not stop very easily….even when I try to relax my mind makes mental to do lists.  At night I am making list after list after list.  I don’t beat myself up if I don’t do all of those things on the lists but I keep them in my mind just as reminders.  I think about all of the projects I am working on and the many that I want to take on.  I think about the books I want to write and how I want to stop talking about it and actually sit my ass down and put the hours and hours worth of work into it.  I know I have the talent…it is the organization I need to focus on…and probably sitting still for a lengthy period of time.  I can get so easily distracted. :0)

Lying in bed at night, winding down from the day is my favorite time.  I can zone out and watch episode after episode of Modern Family (because I have an almost unhealthy obsession with that show) or I can just lie there and think.  I can rest my body and just reflect….I can use this time for just me and my thoughts.  It is the time for no distractions.  What do you think about???

Day 164 Question 164:

What are some “strange” things you do/habits you have?

1)      I always eat the cake first then the icing…bottom to top.  This goes with a lot of desserts/foods…with Oreos I eat the cookie then the cream.  I save the best for last.  Wow now that I am thinking about it, I do a lot of weird things with food.  With bagels I peel off the edge and eat that first and save the doughy part for last.  I will sometimes eat the hamburger bun before the actual burger.  I am starting to think it could be a real show for people to watch me eat.

2)      I cannot eat when I get home from the gym.  I HAVE to shower before I eat no matter how hungry I am.

3)      I tap my fingers together (a lot of the time not realizing) while doing musical scales in my head…I don’t play an instrument. :0)

4)      I write important things I need to do on the space between my thumb and first finger.  I believe that if it is written on my body I cannot forget to do it.  I sometimes forget to do those things :0)  I may end up dying from ink poisoning and still have my to do list unfinished ;0)

5)      I cannot sleep with less than 4 pillows and that is the ABSOLUTE minimum.

6)      There are many foods I cannot eat simply because of the texture: calamari, mushrooms, tomatoes, jello, etc.  I HATE HATE HATE that slimy feeling…it makes me feel like I am eating slimy human body parts.

7)      I am TERRIFIED of raccoons.  There is NOTHING cute about them.  I think they are little mutants that just want to give the entire population rabies.

8)      Unless I am at a movie theatre, it is rare that I will sit through an entire movie/documentary without pausing it about 5-10 times because I have ants in my pants and just need to look at other things or get up and do something.  I am starting to wonder if I might just have ADD ;0)

9)      Everytime I see LOL typed out I cringe.  I admit I have written it but I try to avoid it at all costs.  There is probably less than a 1% chance that someone actually laughed out loud at that very moment….FALSE ADVERTISING…hahahaha!!!!

Day 163 Question 163:

What are you envious of?

Yesterday was an emotionally exhausting day.  It wasn’t a bad day…just a wide array of emotions felt throughout the day.  I have been thinking about family a lot lately.  My family is pretty small.  I have my mom and dad that live about 10 minutes away from me and then there is my sister, brother in law and 2 nephews that live 1,000 miles away.  This is pretty much what I consider my family to be.  There are obviously more members but some I have never met or have not seen since I was a young child.  I am envious of those people that have big, tight-knit families.  Don’t get it twisted..I am envious…NOT jealous.  I do not take for granted having the family that I do because they are the most important people in my life.  I just sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a big family Thanksgiving or Christmas surrounded by aunts and uncles and cousins and nieces and nephews.

If any of you tuned into my entry yesterday, you know it was an emotional one for me.  It was the peak of my emotional day yesterday.  I called my mom last night and talked to her for quite a while and I said a lot of things that I needed to say….the things that I usually put on paper as opposed to actually verbalizing them.  I told her how happy I am in life at this time (probably the happiest I have ever been) but I still do reflect back on the person I used to be and can’t believe some of my actions.  I used to hold in so much hostility and so much anger….and a lot of it got directed at my parents.  I told her how it hurt my heart thinking about the way that I treated them and I no longer wanted them to feel that they needed to walk on eggshells for me anymore.  I have found so much clarity and I do not let my past control me but I did feel bad for how I acted and for putting my parents in such a miserable situation.  I had so much bottled up self-hatred and emotional issues that I hadn’t been working out and I was just directing all of my pain at them.  My mom told me that over the past 3-4 months I have been a completely different kid (yes she still calls me a kid at 33 years old ;0).  She said I have become so much more calm and she has really enjoyed being around me.  I told her I was sorry for the past and she told me not to be sorry because it is the past.  I don’t know where this rush of emotions came from yesterday.  Some people think that the meditation I do is just goofy and is just some hippie mind-set but since I have started practicing I feel so much more at ease in my life.  I feel that I have dove so much deeper into my consciousness and I am no longer allowing my ego to control me.  Whether people “buy it” or not…I have never felt more at peace than I do now.  My emotional state yesterday was needed because I was finally addressing my thoughts and my feelings in a constructive way.

Anyhooooooooooooooo…as usual I went a little off base there.  So, in yesterday’s entry I mentioned that my nephew is 18 years old and has been in a Juvenile Detention Center since he was 14.  I have wanted to get in contact with him by writing him a letter to tell him that he is loved and hopefully form some sort of relationship with him.  I called the New York State Department of Social Services and asked if there was anyway of locating him or getting his contact information and the lady told me no because I am not his legal guardian.  She was a very kind lady and she asked if I could contact my sister to get his information and I had to tell her that I was unsure where she is.  The lady told me that she wished she could tell me because it sounded like he could use a support system but because of federal laws she was unable to give out that information.  I am determined to get to him though.  A friend of mine suggested seeing if someone with the Department of Juvenile Justice could forward a letter on to him so I am going to try that approach.  If worse comes to worse I will email my sister (I know she has a Facebook page) and hope that she will give me his contact information.  I have a strong feeling she will tell me to fuck off but it is worth a shot.

Family means everything to me.  There are people in my life that are not related to me that I would still consider my family because I love them so dearly.  I must repeat that although I am envious of those people with big families and great relationships, I am still beyond lucky for the people I do have in my life.  This life is flying by and I don’t want to miss out on opportunities.  Yes, I want my family members to extend their hands out to me from time to time but right now I am willing to do the work to try to bring people together if at all possible.  My mother and her sister have a very simple relationship.  They write letters to each other maybe once or twice a year and just talk about the usual (what family is doing, weather, etc.)  They do not have an emotional bond that I believe sisters should have.  Family (in my opinion) is something that should be easy and natural but I have found that it actually comes with a lot of complications and road blocks.  Since departing from my self-loathing and self-absorbed ways I have had a clearer picture of family and how much I value the people in it.  I have seen how different everyone is and have learned why some relationships have been strained or have become non-existent.  A part of me wants to forge through the wall and bring everyone together.  I want to write letters and express the importance of family….even through all of the differences.  My dad and I are rarely on the same page but I still love him unconditionally and that will never ever change.  My sister (biological sister) drives me crazy sometimes because she never calls me and sometimes I get really sad about this but I am not going to stop giving her the benefit of the doubt.  I know she loves me unconditionally….she can’t know that it hurts my feelings if I don’t tell her.  This process has allowed me to see my strengths and to also see my weaknesses.  I can’t assume people know what I am thinking or what I want.  There is work to be done if I want to see some kind of results.

Day 162 Question 162:

What are some things most people don’t know about you?

I would like to say that I am an open book but I really am not.  That is something that I just say out of habit when in truth there is a lot I believe people don’t know about me.  It’s not that I want to keep my life some big secret, I just haven’t really divulged all of my opinions and beliefs on people.  I guess you would say that there was never a right time or place.

I haven’t cried in quite some time and I have a feeling that the things I am going to open up about here might make me shed a few tears.  As a lot of you know, I meditate twice a day.  The type of meditation I do does not focus on silencing the mind but instead repeating a mantra and letting thoughts flow naturally.  Thoughts are going to come and go no matter how hard we try to silence them and stop them.  During these times of meditation is when I usually come up with ideas for writing.  I am usually flooded with so many memories and so many thoughts and ideas.  I am always amazed at what I think of and remember during these times of meditation.  My body is relaxed and my mind is relaxed too….it is this overall sense of being in a completely natural state.

Today, during my first meditation I started to think about my family.  I started to think about my life and how it has formed and shaped over all of this time.  There are several things that people probably don’t know about me.  I am outgoing with my friends and they know I love to laugh but a lot probably don’t know about my true inner self because I rarely express it vocally.  Sometimes I feel very uncomfortable talking about myself.  I can’t explain why…a part of me just cringes and just closes in at the thought of talking about my opinions and my life in general.  It is something I can’t quite explain.  It is the nervous part of me…the little girl inside of me that still pokes her head out from time to time.  The little girl that felt she never had a voice or felt that she was not quite as worthy as others.  I am growing though…the process has taken some time but it is definitely progression.  There are random things people don’t know about me such as: I have a full back tattoo, I believe schools should require kids to wear uniforms, I am a natural blonde (hahaha).

I debated whether or not to talk about a certain topic in this entry.  It is something that a majority of people that know me do not know about (or know very little about).  I have an adopted sister (and I use the term sister very loosely) that I have had no contact or relationship with in over 6 years.  My sister lives up in NY (at least I think she does) and I am in South Carolina.  We have not spoken one word to each other since attending my aunt’s funeral.  I do not hate my sister because hate (in my opinion) is a useless emotion.  My sister is just someone that I cannot understand in any way.  We share absolutely nothing.  Honestly, my sister has NEVER shown me any sort of love in my entire life.  She held resentment against me since I was born and throughout my childhood she let me know how she felt about me.  I have a memory of being 5 or 6 and it was night time.  I was heading down to the basement to play and halfway down the stairs my sister switched the lights off and I went tumbling down the rest of the stairs in complete darkness.  As I cried she stood at the top of the stairs laughing.  My sister was manipulative and just mean.  I never could understand it and I tried very hard to get her to like me but she never would.  I ached to have my big sister love me but for some reason she was unable to.  She looked at me and wanted nothing to do with me (luckily I had another older sister that I was and still am close to).  I have not seen or spoken to her in over 6 years and she has me blocked on Facebook so I make no contact with her.  I don’t know why….by no means am I perfect but I have never done anything to her to have her loathe me the way that she does.

I kind of went off the original topic I was planning to discuss.  My sister has two children.  My nephew is 18 years old and my niece is 10 (I think).  I have seen my niece only one time when she was 3 years old.  She would not be able to pick me out of a crowd and it saddens me to think of what her mother could have told her about me.  I saw a picture of my niece recently on Facebook and I cringed because this was a little girl that I did not know and I took notice that she was slightly overweight (not to be mean).  When I was younger I was “chunky” and my sister constantly called me a fat cow and made fun of me.  My heart sank thinking that she was probably saying the same things to her daughter.  I do not know though.

My sister is someone that I do not understand at all.  I truly believe she has some very deep issues.  I think she has mental illness too….what exactly, I do not know.  I wanted to write more of this entry about my nephew.  My nephew is now 18 years old and I think the last time I saw him he was 11.  He has been in a juvenile detention center since he was 14 years old.  I know he is in NY but I don’t know where.  I am not even sure where exactly my sister lives.  She has moved so many times throughout her life and has lived off of welfare that she could be anywhere.  By the time my nephew was 5 years old he had lived in at least 15 different places and didn’t even know who to call daddy because there was always a revolving door full of men with my sister.  She is remarried now and who knows what that marriage is like.  I didn’t even go to her second wedding.  I am taking a big step here by indulging private information.  It is something I have had on my mind for quite some time now.  My nephew is in a juvenile detention center because at the age of 14 he performed sexual acts on a boy and a girl that were 8 and 9 (I believe that was their ages).  His actions were SO wrong and yes he needs to take responsibility but I have so much anger at my sister because of this.  When this happened is when I shut out any type of relationship with her.  I completely stopped trying.  My sister is a VERY sexual person.  I may not have ever witnessed this but she is sick and twisted enough that I KNOW she had pornography on the television with her children around and it would not surprise me if she had sex in front of her children.  This is where I believe my sister has mental illness.  I question whether she ever did anything incestuous with my nephew.  It kills me to say it but I would not put it past her.  My nephew is where he is because of what he learned in life.  He really did not know the difference between right and wrong and appropriate and inappropriate when it came to sex.  His view was completely warped because of his mother.

I may have gone too far by discussing this but this story is a part of who I am and this part of my life changed my views on so many things.  I fight for human rights and for women’s rights because this stuff hits so close to home.  My parents are the two most amazing people in the world and they did not teach my sister ANY of these behaviors.  They did everything in their power to guide us and protect us and my sister has not done the same for her children.  She has rejected our family (she rejected me long before she rejected anyone else).  I spent a great deal of time with my nephew from the time he was born until he was about 6 or 7.  I miss that little boy.  He is now a grown man sitting in a juvenile detention center.  His mother and father have never gone to see him (they have only spoken to him on the phone).  He has spent the last 4 years worth of Birthdays and Holidays with no family or friends.  I do not know when he will get out or where he will go but I do know he will be a registered sex offender for the rest of his life.  His life was taken from him and it breaks me more and more every time I think about him because I don’t know what kind of chance he stands in life.  I wish he knew me…without being fed a twisted view of me.  I don’t know how I would find out his contact information but I do want to write him a letter (I would like to write my niece a letter too but I know my sister would get it first and I can only imagine what she would say or do).  I have thought over and over again how I wish I could bring him in with me and help him start his life over.  I want to teach him about the beauty in life and show him how valuable he is as a person.  My sister screamed at him nonstop as a child.  She detested him almost as much as she detested me.  My sister was full of hate and her own flesh and blood had to suffer the consequences.  My nephew does not know what unconditional love is…he doesn’t even know it is something that exists.  If I were to write him a letter I am not even sure how he would respond.  I am a stranger to him.  I may be the enemy to him if he takes in anything his mother may have said about me.

This is a part of me I rarely share with people.  It is a difficult thing to talk about as you can imagine.  My life has been molded in different ways because of this part of my life.  Although it is in my past it is something that still sits in m present and I hold onto quite closely.  I want to reach out but I am very scared.  I am not ready to start a war and I do not know if I am ready to endure that kind of emotional rollercoaster.  I have never had contact with my nephew and I have beat myself up over that for a long time.  I believe I am going to try to make contact if I possibly can….even if it is one-sided and only one letter.  There are so many family members that I do not know because of being spread all over the country and I hate that.  My nephew is someone I witnessed grow as a little boy and he has escaped my life.  In this journey called life I am still figuring out the right things to do.  This is one of the biggest battles I fight in my head.  I, honestly, have no desire to have any relationship with my “sister” but a big part of me wants to fight for my nephew…especially now that I have a much better grip on life.  I believe I could show him so many things and teach him about beauty and compassion and love….everything he was never taught or shown growing up.  I just needed to get these words out of me because I love my nephew with all of my heart even though we are strangers at this point in life.  I miss the little boy I knew and I want to meet the man that he has become.  Through all of his struggles in life, I still just want to hug him and tell him how wonderful he is.  I am unsure if that day will ever come and never did I think that something like this would hit so close to home.

Day 161 Question 161:

What intimidates you?

Ugh intimidation.  I hate the thought of being intimidated but (in my opinion) it is just one of those natural things in life.  At some point we are all intimidated by something or someone.  Some of us are intimidated by man things or many people.  My intimidations have lessened over time because of the strength I have built over time.  I am no longer intimidated by the woman with the better body than me or the woman I might think if better looking than me.  Those things are just superficial and exterior.  They don’t define us as people…once I realized and accepted that, those intimidations ceased.

My biggest intimidation though is people that are aggressive and (in my own words) outspoken.  I am not saying that these are negative qualities by any means.  Let me explain…  The people I am speaking of are the ones that can speak their mind at any time.  They express all of their emotions with ease and portray confidence in what they say and feel.  These are the people that will express their opinions and feel confident in what they say and do not care whether or not they offend anyone…because they feel as strongly as they do.  I admire these qualities (sometimes) but I am also intimidated by these qualities.

Don’t get me wrong…I can hold my own.  I can speak my mind and state my opinions.  I have just always been the person to tread lightly and consider other’s feelings before voicing my opinions…no matter how passionate I feel about something.  From a young age I was always taught to not be aggressive.  I don’t blame my parents…they didn’t want me to be a bully.  I understood where they were coming from.  It is such a tricky thing to teach a child.  There is this find line between being aggressive to get what you want and being abrasive and rude.  A lot of people fall into the latter.  I still struggle with this and when I come in contact with people that are able to speak their minds with such ease and say whatever they want when they want, I can become completely intimidated.  I feel like I am not conveying my point clearly…hmmmmm.

I am a woman with a lot of book smarts and a lot of “street” smarts.  I believe I flow well in day to day life and I work hard and I am able to get the results I am looking for.  I can sell myself in interviews and I can speak very passionately about certain topics.  I, however, have this shyness inside of me.  I HATE HATE HATE the thought and idea of offending people…even if it is a perfect stranger.  I am constantly thinking in my mind whether or not I have been guilty of the same thing I would be pointing fingers at someone else for.  I question myself a lot when it comes to expressing my thoughts because I know with some things I have not learned all there is to learn.  I cannot tell someone they are wrong because I don’t feel like that is my right.  I have made many mistakes in the past by talking about people (yes behind their backs) and I have lost friends by doing this (yes, it was my fault).  I expressed my thoughts with a third party instead of the party at hand.  I know this is wrong (trust me I know).  I just never know how people are going to react.  I always want to keep the peace…even if I don’t necessary agree with what others say and do.  I have a fear of losing people in my life so I just keep my thoughts to myself.  I am very uncomfortable with confrontation.  I witness people all of the time that are the complete opposite.  They will say and do what they want when they want.

This is one area in which I am still searching for that happy medium.  I would like to be more aggressive in certain ways but I do not want to be aggressive to the point of being unlikeable or unapproachable.  I hate to feel intimidated by people…especially people that (in my opinion) are very negative and selfish.  There is another fine line between being there for others and being there for yourself.  I know there are times when I destroy myself by not speaking my mind and by not standing up for myself.  This blog has helped in a big way…even though there have been times I have even felt intimidated here (by people that live FAR away from me…which is crazy).  It is a given that some people will not like me or will not like what I think or say…it is one of those things that sometimes I have a hard time accepting.  I have difficulty dealing with someone that expresses their dislike for me, my thoughts or my actions.  I have such a strong desire to be liked and I have this passion inside me for good so when someone says something negative on my behalf I feel completely lost…completely intimidated.

I am constantly working on me.  I know I should not feel intimidated.  It is one of those things that I think takes time to change and to work on.  I am working on finding my voice and working on accepting what is.  There will be people, no matter what, that just aren’t going to like me.  It is a hard thing to accept but it cannot control me.  Intimidation is just simply letting my ego take charge and now that I am aware of that….I am working toward stopping that.  To my readers, have you ever felt this way?  How did you deal with it?  I am a pretty sensitive person and I have a love/hate feeling toward being that way.  I love that I care so deeply for people and want to do for others before doing for myself but in the same I know I have a lot to say and to stand up for.  It is really hard to jump that hurdle….maybe I just need a push….maybe I just need some guidance.  Maybe that is why I am here.  Through my journey of self-improvement and self-discovery I have learned so much about who I am and there are places along the way where I have just needed to stop and ask for help….to ask for advice…to ask for a hand to help guide me to a better understanding or a clearer point of view.  That is where I am now….asking you for help. :0)

Day 160 Question 160:

What are the things in life that allow you to keep the faith/give you faith?

Faith is one of those concepts that I always related to religion.  I always put those two things hand in hand.  I am so undecided about my thoughts and feelings on religion.  I am slowly teaching myself about as much as I can out there and opening up my eyes to the spiritual world.  I am working on finding my spiritual self and finding what I truly believe in.  I sometimes feel a disconnect to the religious world and to the church and even sometimes to God.  I just am unsure.  Faith, though, is so much bigger than all of these thoughts of mine.  Faith does not just go hand in hand with religion.  Faith goes hand in hand with humanity and the belief that people can and are ultimately good.

There is so much violence and so many horrible events occurring in the world every single day.  All of these things can make it very easy to give up hope.  I refuse to.  I refuse to because I have faith in humanity.  I believe that many of the people that perform horrible/unkind/violent/ actions (some not all) ultimately have goodness in them but many of these people are just lost in life.  Many of these people have been lead to believe that they are not good or that violence or bullying or just having an unpleasant nature is the acceptable way to live.  I truly believe that every soul that walks this Earth has goodness in them…unfortunately some of these people are unable to get in touch with this goodness.  Some of these people have been brainwashed.  I have faith though that people are ultimately good.  The reason I have such faith is because of the good deeds I see performed everyday….even if they are miniscule in size.  As much as my heart hurts because of some of the awful things that are happening in this world, I do not want to give up.  I do not want to stop trying to help whenever and wherever I can.  I want to give people the benefit of the doubt because I believe in this goodness that I speak of.  This is what gives me faith.

I found a website that shows several pictures of good deeds done by the “average human being”.  These pictures touched me and I saw them on a day that I needed that boost…I felt like my faith in humanity was dwindling.  Through all of the bad I had been seeing and reading about, I knew that there was still SO MUCH GOOD out there.  I don’t ever want to forget about that.  I also wanted to include a video clip from a wonderful documentary that I watched called Saint of 9/11.  This documentary touched me and it moved me and it restored my faith in humanity.  No matter what my beliefs are or may be and through my confusion of trying to figure it out, faith is the necessary tool to lead a happy life.  The video clip is only 2 minutes long but through youtube it can be rented for $1.99 and I ABSOLUTELY recommend it.  It is a story of goodness and selflessness and faith in humanity.  It was the pick me up that I needed.  I hope you enjoy both the pictures as well as the article.  :0)  I hope you have a lovely Sunday filled with laughter, family, friends and love!

Pictures That Will Restore Your Faith In Humanity

1. This picture of Chicago Christians who showed up at a gay pride parade to apologize for homophobia in the Church.

 … and the reaction from the parade.

2. This sign at an awesome bookshop.

3. The moment in which this Ohio athlete stopped to help an injured competitor across the finish line during a track meet.

4. This exchange between a 3-year-old girl and a shopping center.

5. This note that was handed to a waiter along with a $20 bill by an elderly lady in his restaurant. (This is MY favorite)

6. This sign at an awesome Subway restaurant.

7. This picture of a villager carrying stranded kittens to dry land during floods in Cuttack City, India.

8. This sign at an awesome drycleaner’s.

9. This photograph of a man giving his shoes to a homeless girl in Rio de Janeiro. (This is my 2^nd favorite)

10. This picture of a firefighter administering oxygen to a cat rescued from a house fire.

11. This interaction between a Guatemalan girl and a tourist she just met.

12. This gesture from a neighbor.

13. These photos of two children collaborating to rescue a dog who had fallen into a ravine.

14. This note on a young family’s check.

15. This exchange between a protester and a soldier during a protest in Brazil.

This last photo is of  Father Mychal Judge, chaplain to the New York City Fire Department, is best remembered as the faithful Franciscan priest who was killed on 9/11. The beloved friar lived a fulfilling life helping the needy and wasn’t your ordinary man of the cloth: he battled alcoholism and was a privately gay man. Through interviews, archival footage and Sir Ian McKellen’s narration, Glenn Holsten documents this extraordinary man’s life until his untimely death.  He served his purpose and died doing exactly what he wanted to be doing.  The picture is sad but so very beautiful at the same time. (If you get a chance please check out the documentary or just learn about this extraordinary man’s life…he was a saint and didn’t even know it).