Day 161 Question 161:
What intimidates you?
Ugh intimidation. I hate the thought of being intimidated but (in my opinion) it is just one of those natural things in life. At some point we are all intimidated by something or someone. Some of us are intimidated by man things or many people. My intimidations have lessened over time because of the strength I have built over time. I am no longer intimidated by the woman with the better body than me or the woman I might think if better looking than me. Those things are just superficial and exterior. They don’t define us as people…once I realized and accepted that, those intimidations ceased.
My biggest intimidation though is people that are aggressive and (in my own words) outspoken. I am not saying that these are negative qualities by any means. Let me explain… The people I am speaking of are the ones that can speak their mind at any time. They express all of their emotions with ease and portray confidence in what they say and feel. These are the people that will express their opinions and feel confident in what they say and do not care whether or not they offend anyone…because they feel as strongly as they do. I admire these qualities (sometimes) but I am also intimidated by these qualities.
Don’t get me wrong…I can hold my own. I can speak my mind and state my opinions. I have just always been the person to tread lightly and consider other’s feelings before voicing my opinions…no matter how passionate I feel about something. From a young age I was always taught to not be aggressive. I don’t blame my parents…they didn’t want me to be a bully. I understood where they were coming from. It is such a tricky thing to teach a child. There is this find line between being aggressive to get what you want and being abrasive and rude. A lot of people fall into the latter. I still struggle with this and when I come in contact with people that are able to speak their minds with such ease and say whatever they want when they want, I can become completely intimidated. I feel like I am not conveying my point clearly…hmmmmm.
I am a woman with a lot of book smarts and a lot of “street” smarts. I believe I flow well in day to day life and I work hard and I am able to get the results I am looking for. I can sell myself in interviews and I can speak very passionately about certain topics. I, however, have this shyness inside of me. I HATE HATE HATE the thought and idea of offending people…even if it is a perfect stranger. I am constantly thinking in my mind whether or not I have been guilty of the same thing I would be pointing fingers at someone else for. I question myself a lot when it comes to expressing my thoughts because I know with some things I have not learned all there is to learn. I cannot tell someone they are wrong because I don’t feel like that is my right. I have made many mistakes in the past by talking about people (yes behind their backs) and I have lost friends by doing this (yes, it was my fault). I expressed my thoughts with a third party instead of the party at hand. I know this is wrong (trust me I know). I just never know how people are going to react. I always want to keep the peace…even if I don’t necessary agree with what others say and do. I have a fear of losing people in my life so I just keep my thoughts to myself. I am very uncomfortable with confrontation. I witness people all of the time that are the complete opposite. They will say and do what they want when they want.
This is one area in which I am still searching for that happy medium. I would like to be more aggressive in certain ways but I do not want to be aggressive to the point of being unlikeable or unapproachable. I hate to feel intimidated by people…especially people that (in my opinion) are very negative and selfish. There is another fine line between being there for others and being there for yourself. I know there are times when I destroy myself by not speaking my mind and by not standing up for myself. This blog has helped in a big way…even though there have been times I have even felt intimidated here (by people that live FAR away from me…which is crazy). It is a given that some people will not like me or will not like what I think or say…it is one of those things that sometimes I have a hard time accepting. I have difficulty dealing with someone that expresses their dislike for me, my thoughts or my actions. I have such a strong desire to be liked and I have this passion inside me for good so when someone says something negative on my behalf I feel completely lost…completely intimidated.
I am constantly working on me. I know I should not feel intimidated. It is one of those things that I think takes time to change and to work on. I am working on finding my voice and working on accepting what is. There will be people, no matter what, that just aren’t going to like me. It is a hard thing to accept but it cannot control me. Intimidation is just simply letting my ego take charge and now that I am aware of that….I am working toward stopping that. To my readers, have you ever felt this way? How did you deal with it? I am a pretty sensitive person and I have a love/hate feeling toward being that way. I love that I care so deeply for people and want to do for others before doing for myself but in the same I know I have a lot to say and to stand up for. It is really hard to jump that hurdle….maybe I just need a push….maybe I just need some guidance. Maybe that is why I am here. Through my journey of self-improvement and self-discovery I have learned so much about who I am and there are places along the way where I have just needed to stop and ask for help….to ask for advice…to ask for a hand to help guide me to a better understanding or a clearer point of view. That is where I am now….asking you for help. :0)