Day 276 Question 276

Day 276 Question 276:

Is our judicial system completely corrupt?

So the other night I was at the gym and while I trekked away on the elliptical I started watching the show that was on the TV.  I have no idea what the name of the show was but the subject matter concerned long-tern inmates that were going to get DNA tests to either prove their innocence or guilt.  There were 2 men being filmed but I only caught one story.  This one man was arrested in 1982 and charged with 3 counts of rape and several other sexual assault charges.  He was sentenced to 30 years and when more information was supplied in court another 10 years was tacked on.  This man plead innocent from the very beginning and continued pleading innocent throughout the entire trial and prison time.  After 26 years DNA evidence found that this man was indeed innocent and they even found out who the real criminal was.  A million questions were going through my head.  Here is a man that served 26 years for a crime he did not commit.  He was ripped from his family (his wife was pregnant when he was put in jail) and of course lost his job.  He lost society as a whole and for 26 years he sat in a concrete block.  Does he simply get released with a pat on the back and an “Im Sorry”?  How does this man start to function in a society that has changed so drastically over the last 26 years?  How is he possibly going to get a job?  Is the judicial system at all afraid that this man might have built up resentment and go on a killing spree?  I meditate twice a day and I would like to think I am a pretty relaxed person but if my life is stolen from me like this mans was, I can only imagine the anger that has the potential to build up.  I wrote a post on Facebook to find out what information people knew about the subject and the answers that I received were quite interesting.  This was my post:

Ok I have a question. Say someone was sentenced to 50 years in prison and claimed to be innocent and after 30 years the justice system found out that he was….besides releasing him do they do ANYTHING for him? What would that be?  Money, free therapy so he doesn’t go on a killing spree from being pissed from being wrongfully sentenced, a house, a job????

These were the comments I received:

Charles: That’s the problem, measuring the debt owed.

Mike: I think they say “sorry ’bout that, bro” and high-five him on the way out.

Lori: I agree most states do nothing but I would hope they would at least help them with an occupation since being out of work force for so long… monetary wise it would be nice but I can’t see most states with budgets doing that. There’s no accidental “put someone in jail” insurance coverage

Diane: Its just so crazy. I feel like some people would be so angry about it that once they were out they’d go on a killing spree.

Charles: I don’t think it’s as much the monetary restitution but to be recognized again as being honest and trustworthy. A reaffirmation of their dignity.

Loran: If you’re in Texas…they execute you anyway

Lee: Leave him in prison. The American justice system isn’t designed to reform or reintegrate individuals back into society. After 30 years in prison, his mind is so warped that he’ll have a better chance of navigating the prison society he’s come to know. (I’m playing devil’s advocate here people, calm down)

Diane: I kept thinking about how difficult it would be to get acclimated into society after that long.

Lee: I doubt the justice system would ever admit it’s wrong; doing so would undermine its authority. Therefore, the bureaucratic machine would suggest that the individuals lawyers didn’t do a sufficient job OR that the appeals process is designed to allow for such an event to occur. The system believes it is perfect; therefore spending 30 years in prison was all part of the process.

One of my friends even left me a link to the article below to give me a better idea of what happens to the wrongfully accused.  The topic at hand is not really so much rehabilitation as it is the judicial system and how corrupt it can really be.  I believe there are prisoners that are confined that would not stand a chance for rehabilitation but I do believe there are some that have had no opportunities in life that have great potential but for someone to be wrongfully convicted then either kept in jail in order to not deal with the problem or thrown onto the streets left with the words good luck is just so morally and ethically wrong.  It makes me wonder how much of our judicial system is like this and how many times cases have been botched because no one really wanted to deal with the long-term work that would need to be done.  Our countries financial state is in the toilet and here we have innocent men and women sitting in jails raking up more and more cost.

The Price of Freedom: What Happens to the Wrongfully Convicted?

On May 21, 1980, Katherina Reitz Brow was stabbed to death in her home in Ayer, Massachusetts. Three years later, the man accused of the crime was convicted of first degree murder and sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. That man, Kenneth (“Kenny”) Waters, would serve eighteen years in jail for a crime he didn’t commit.

Kenny’s story doesn’t end there. He appealed his sentence a number of times unsuccessfully. Frustrated at the process and convinced of his innocence, his older sister, Betty Anne Waters, went back to school and earned her college degree and a law degree. Nearly two decades after his conviction, Kenny Waters was set free.

At trial, most of the evidence against Kenny had been circumstantial and, it was alleged, marred by false testimony and bungled police work. Betty Anne believed that DNA evidence, which had previously been withheld from the defense team, would be the key factor in his release. She worked with lawyers from the Innocence Project, a non-profit legal clinic affiliated with the Benjamin N. Cardozo School of Law at Yeshiva University, to have an independent lab examine the evidence. That DNA proved what Betty Anne knew: her brother did not kill Katherina Brow.

Waters’ extraordinary story attracted attention from Hollywood and was eventually made into a feature film, Conviction, starring Hillary Swank. His story is, however, not completely unique. Studies suggest that between 2.3% and 5% of those sitting in U.S. prisons are actually innocent; since 1989, more than 250 people in 34 states have been exonerated and released from prison through post-conviction DNA testing.

What happens to those folks whose lives have been turned upside down after a wrongful conviction? In addition to the years of lost time with friends and family, they walk into a world that may be completely different than before they were sent away. Some have never seen or used a cell phone and are wowed by a world that includes gadgets like iPads and Nooks. Others may be looking forward to things you don’t expect: in Kenny’s case, “He couldn’t wait to go to a Home Depot. He had never been to such a big store before.”

Most, however, walk out to slim prospects and empty pockets. Up to 40% of those released from prison after being wrongfully incarcerated receive no compensation.

Some states – and the federal government in some circumstances – now offer compensation to exonorees. Many do not. Those that do not currently offer compensation to the wrongfully convicted are: Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Delaware, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Michigan, Minnesota, Nevada, New Mexico, North Dakota, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Washington and Wyoming.

Even those that do offer compensation may impose limits that make them essentially meaningless. New Hampshire, for example, caps compensation at $20,000 and Louisiana caps compensation at $250,000 irrespective of the length of time served. Montana only provides educational aid.

Florida became the most recent state to make news when it debated a bill that would grant William Dillon compensation in the amount of $1.35 million for spending 27 years in prison for a murder he did not commit (that works out to $50,000 per year). That approaches the Innocence Project’s recommendations which suggest a “minimum of $50,000, untaxed, per year of wrongful imprisonment and $100,000, untaxed, per year on death row” based on the federal government’s standard created through the Innocence Protection Act of 2004.

Currently, what compensation is payable may be subject to federal income taxes. The law can be confusing depending on how the compensation is classified, an issue that some in Congress want to see resolved. This year, Rep. Sam Johnson (R-TX) introduced H.R.4241, Wrongful Convictions Tax Relief Act of 2012. The purpose of the bill is to exclude from gross income “any civil damages, restitution, or other monetary award (including compensatory or statutory damages and restitution imposed in a criminal matter) relating to the incarceration of such individual” who was exonerated. The bill currently sits in committee.

I talked with Stephen Saloom, the policy director at Innocence Project, about the bill. It doesn’t make sense, he pointed out, to tax funds paid to the wrongfully convicted as compensation from the government for taking years from their lives; it was as if they were being punished again. Saloom said that the bill was meant to “clarify” the notion that the compensation was not meant to be taxed.

I asked Saloom whether he found it odd that the bill would come out of Texas, which has become quite notorious for its high rates of wrongful convictions: since 1994, Texas has released at least thirty-nine innocent people who had collectively served over 500 years in prison for crimes they did not commit (report downloads as a pdf). Saloom was quick to say that he didn’t find it incongruent at all, noting that Texas had been working in recent years to change many of its policies and is, in fact, a leader in wrongful conviction reform. Today, the Lone Star State has one of the highest levels of compensation for the wrongfully convicted with options that include job and vocational training.

I wondered, then, if there was a political divide on the matter. Surprisingly, Saloom says that this is an issue that has broad, bipartisan support. He has found that folks, no matter their political persuasion, are disturbed at the idea of sending the wrong person in jail. “Nobody,” he says, “wants to see a wrongful conviction.”

And if being wrongfully convicted is bad enough, not being compensated for the resulting damages is similarly repugnant. There is a fairly universal sense that some how, this thing that was so grossly unfair should be made better, that these folks deserve a second chance at happiness.

Sadly, Kenny’s story doesn’t have a happy ending. Six months after he was released from prison – having spent a third of his life behind bars – he died in a tragic accident.

Katharina Brow’s real murderer has never been found.

Posted in Blog, Blogging, Diane, Fun, Health, Inspiration, Journal, Life, Love, Philosophy, random thoughts, Thoughts, Writing | 5 Comments

Day 275 Question 275

Day 275 Question 275:

What is something that someone has shared with you that really made you question your way of thinking or really impacted you in a major way?

So I was bantering back and forth with a friend yesterday and we randomly got on the topic of previous lives and afterlife and as many of you know I am a big believer in both.  I do not believe that this life that we know at this very moment is all that there is.  My friend sent me a link and I was immediately absorbed into every word.  It may sound strange to some but there was a connection to the story being told and it felt like there was a great potential of truth and possibility.  Our actions in other lives represent our emotions toward self at different points in those lives (you will understand what I mean when you read).  I wanted to share it with my readers and hear what they have to say about it.  I question everything and I am unsure of a solid truth to anything but I found this story to be intriguing because if we think about our lives and how much we have experienced and all of the emotions we are meant to understand…it doesn’t seem so crazy.

The Egg

By: Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing  particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you god?” You asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”

“My kids… my wife,” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”

“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”

“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” You said.

“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”

“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.

“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the millions he killed.”

“I’m Jesus?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.

Posted in Blog, Blogging, Diane, Fun, Health, Inspiration, Journal, Life, Love, Philosophy, random thoughts, Thoughts, Writing | 2 Comments

Day 274 Question 274

Day 274 Question 274:

What life lesson did you learn the hard way?

Ugh life lessons….how many do we have to learn throughout this life?  Ha Ha!  There are times when all of us grow sick of the lessons but come the end of the day we do understand them.  As children and teens our parents drive us absolutely crazy and we do whatever we can to avoid them and defy them and we hated listening to the broken record phrase, “you will understand when you are older”.  It was so easy to just roll your eyes and move on.  We had it all figured out.  Now looming in my mid 30’s I have realized I knew absolutely nothing and I am able to completely understand what my parents were saying.  There were so many things that I was told and I would let the words just deflect off of me…I didn’t hear them.  Even the simple most common phrase, “Stop and smell the roses” was just cliché and meant nothing to me.  I understand it now.  Life passes us by so fast and it is so important to take time to appreciate what we have and all that surrounds us.  My 34th birthday is in a little over a month and I feel like it was just last week that I celebrated my 33rd birthday with a big group of friends.  My 18th birthday was almost 16 years ago and I remember getting stoned in my dorm room getting ready to leave for Thanksgiving break (see how times changed….the times of me partying and smoking pot seems like eons ago and a whole different person ago but I remember it as clear as day).

Over all of this time I have learned so many lessons and some have brought a lot of pain and some have brought more happiness than one could even imagine.  Out of all of the lessons the one that took me forever to really learn and hold onto is to love and accept myself for all that I am.  I believe that in life this is the most important lesson for everyone and unfortunately some people are never able to rise to this challenge (I mean it did take me pretty much 33 years).  Once I started to love and accept myself for my pluses and my negatives, my attributes and my flaws, I saw life so differently.  The superficial stopped mattering and my relationships became more real.  I have gained friends and lost friends and I have evaluated the reasons as to why but I do not blame or dislike myself because of the losses.  Being human means making mistakes and no matter what there will be people that will never be able to accept those mistakes and people that won’t like you but in this life we are all the navigators of our own ships.  We can’t allow others to steer our course….this was a very difficult lesson to learn but the most important lesson that I needed to learn.

I wasn’t sure how this blog would pan out when I started it or what direction it would take but I have found that it has been my opportunity to be completely honest with myself.  I have found that I have reminded myself of the wisdom and the beauty that I hold within me and that these are the most important aspects of my person.  This life lesson came from experience in this huge world and a society the ability to chew us all up and spit us out.  After loathing myself and living in a constant state of anxiety I took control and decided that I was not going to be a victim.  I was not going to let my ego control me or the egos of all of the superficial “minds” of the world.  It became easy when I opened myself up to knowledge and I realized that life is made up of choices….our choices not everyone else’s choices.  I am small and the world is huge and there is opportunity in every moment.  I will not be able to take advantage of every opportunity but I am sure going to try my hardest to grip onto as many as I possibly can.  As you can see there isn’t one specific life lesson that changed me…there were lots.  I share this stuff with my readers because I know others have struggled and have questions and are looking for answers and I want people to know that I am and have been in that very same boat.

Posted in Blog, Blogging, Diane, Fun, Health, Inspiration, Journal, Life, Love, Philosophy, random thoughts, Thoughts, Writing | 8 Comments

Day 273 Question 273

Day 273 Question 273:

What do you do to unwind/de-stress?

I think about all of the things I am thankful for and remember what a beautiful life this is!

Posted in Blog, Blogging, Diane, Fun, Health, Inspiration, Journal, Life, Love, Philosophy, random thoughts, Thoughts, Writing | 8 Comments

Day 272 Question 272

Day 272 Question 272:

What is one issue that you feel VERY passionate about?

This should come as no surprise but I love the gays.  It may sound ridiculous but every gay person I meet in life I want to befriend.  I have always believed that people are born gay.  Not one ounce of me believes that a person would choose to be gay….at least not in this ugly, angry world.  So much research has been done that has shown that the brain patterns of heterosexuals vs. homosexuals is different.  For me this is a selling point.  A part of me even believes that this differing brain makeup has made majority of the gay population much nicer and way more fun than the heterosexual population (I say this based on the amazing gay friends that I have had throughout my life).  I am speaking with ease right now though with a humorous tone in my words but in all seriousness, the topic of homosexuality is one that I am always feeling so passionate about.  I have been asked at different times if I am a lesbian simply because I am always talking about and fighting for gay rights.  No, I am not a lesbian.  I just find it very unfair that a group of individuals can be treated with less respect than others simply because of who they decide to lay down with at night.  No, I do not look at in the same respect as slavery.  Homosexuals are not being made servants and forced to do hard manual labor for little or no pay.  Many however are subjects to hate crimes and that is absolutely disgusting in my eyes.

This post is not meant to go in the direction of ugly and to point out all of the horrid things that have been done to people in this population.  I do get angry at people I find to be ignorant but I am not looking to argue.  This post is actually to celebrate the coming together of people for a cause….people coming together to unite all people regardless of race, creed, gender or sexual orientation.  I had to post the video below because it touched my heart so deeply.  Here is a father that is giving his daughter away and handing her over to another woman to be her wife.  I do understand the apprehension.  We have lived in a society that for so long only recognized marriage being between a man and a woman.  What touched my heart in this video was the fact that this father stopped seeing gender and the only thing that was important was his daughter’s happiness.  I wish more people could see in that way.  Happiness should always be the goal day in and day out and not just for ourselves but also for those around us.  There is nothing more enlightening and more beautiful than to be able to experience someone else’s happiness…to have the opportunity to feel their elation and joy.  We are not meant to understand everyone else or understand their choices but we should strive to accept them and hope that they are experiencing the most happiness they possibly can.  People may not believe it when I say it but I even hope for great happiness for people that have parted from my life (whether they be enemies or old friends that drifted).  I may not understand their choices and I may choose not to include them in my life but that does not mean that I would ever want bad things to happen to them.  I believe if more people could find their happiness we would see a much more peaceful world….but that is once again me being a dreamer.

I believe that human life and love are the most important things in this life…they are two things to never be taken for granted.  I do not find it fair to dismiss people’s love simply based on their preference of who they choose to be in a relationship with.  This life is chaotic and confusing for pretty much everyone whether they admit that or not.  I cannot even imagine what it would be like to come out of the closet and to struggle with your sexual identity…especially in such a critical society.  Every person that walks this earth has their own story and I have to remind myself of that all of the time.  It is easy to judge and to assume and to never change our views (I can be stubborn too) but no matter what…it is simply….we are all human beings deserving of love and all of the same opportunities.  If there is a God I truly believe that is what he wants us to ALL to learn in this life.

I had to watch the video again and all I keep thinking about is my dad.  I love my dad with every part of my being.  A life without him is unimaginable.  I know he loves me but sometimes I wonder if he is proud of me.  I wonder if he sometimes wishes I was different.  I wonder if he would be able to let his “beliefs” go if I were to want to marry a woman….and truly accept it because my happiness is what is most important.  I understand the struggle of being different and feeling unaccepted.  I am like no one else in my family and even though I know there is love there…there is always a wonder of whether or not I am truly accepted.  It can hurt so badly to feel different unaccepted, so when my aunt and cousins told my mom I was weird and spoke of me in a negative way, I felt broken and I had to dismiss those people from my life.  I don’t hold onto the judgments of others and allow them to control me but I am sensitive and  I believe that I steer so much in the direction of equal rights for homosexuals  because of knowing what it feels like to be the outcast and feeling like you are not good enough….and having to hide who you truly are because everyone is waving their finger at you.

Posted in Blog, Blogging, Diane, Fun, Health, Inspiration, Journal, Life, Love, Philosophy, random thoughts, Thoughts, Writing | 7 Comments

Day 271 Question 271

Day 271 Question 271:

What is one of the best websites you have ever seen?

Ok, so my entries lately have been quite deep and heart-felt and I wanted to take the chance to switch this one up and allow everyone some good ole laughs :0)  Plus I have a buttload of school work together so I apologize if my next few entries are brief.

I am going to post a few pictures here but I HIGHLY recommend everyone checking out the website  This site will have you in absolute hysterics.  If you find yourself in a bad mood just trot your way onto this site…I promise it will lift your spirits.  I hope you enjoy as much as I do.

Posted in Blog, Blogging, Diane, Fun, Health, Inspiration, Journal, Life, Love, Philosophy, random thoughts, Thoughts, Writing | 3 Comments

Day 270 Question 270

Day 270 Question 270:

Are you holding onto any resentment in your life?

So I am always talking about how holding onto negativity serves absolutely no purpose.  There is no purpose of regret because the past is behind us and will not be relived.  The same holds true for resentment.  When we are in a state of resentment we are holding a grudge against something that has already happened…something that is now completely out of our control.  So, do I hold any resentment.  As much as I hate to admit it, the answer is yes.  There are things from my past that I have yet to let go of….things that linger and still have this stupid hold on me.  I don’t like it but it is there and I accept it.

So, where does my resentment lie?  There are different areas that still have that lingering hold over me.  I think about my family on my dad’s side and I still hold some anger inside of me due to being unfairly judged.  I spoke my peace via email but never voiced how I really felt.  It still sits with me and I question whether or not I have blown it way out of proportion of whether I need to take a step to actually talk to them.  It has been almost seven years since I have been in their physical presence and at this moment I am allowing them to control some of my thoughts because of my internal questions and doubts of the situation.  It is only a small resentment that does not affect my daily life but it looms in the backdrop from time to time and deep down I know it is something I really should face in order to move past it.

It has been almost a year since I dated someone.  I dated someone from August-October.  It was brief but passionate and chaotic and every emotion mixed into one.  Whether I want to admit it or not there is still a great deal of resentment toward this person.  For months after our split I gave him the benefit of the doubt and wanted him to improve his life and I lived in a fantasy world thinking our paths will cross again when the time is right.  I finally slapped myself in the face and popped back into reality.  I chose this relationship and I realize I am the only one to blame but there still is resentment there.  I was the puppet and he was the puppeteer.  Here was a man that was freshly separated from his wife that had far too much baggage to mention and there was me….the girl so eager to please and to feel wanted.  I never truly felt wanted.  Our short-lived relationship was nothing but constant work and emotional breakdowns.
His words and his actions were never in sync which caused me to be in a constant state of confusion and self-questioning.  I have anger inside of me toward him and I never expressed that to him and I believe that is why there is a continual lingering resentment sitting inside of me.  I believe that is the reason I have shut myself off from the dating world and put up a big unbreakable wall.  I have not dealt with my anger and pain because they are emotions I am very uncomfortable with.  To me they are signs of weaknesses and I am unsure of a healthy way to deal with them.  I keep telling myself that I just need to get over it but that is so much easier said than done.  My resentment is really not toward him…it is more toward myself if anything.  I am almost 34 years old and any and all relationships I have been in have been failures that have proven that I give and give and give and the only thing I ever get in return is pain.  I have tried to make hopeless situations work out far too many times and I have wanted to believe that people are something they are not.  I hate talking about this stuff because I feel like I am having a big ole pity party for myself….I don’t know maybe I am.  I have changed my life so drastically because I have learned that this world is really survival of the fittest and I don’t want to continue to be one of the weak ones anymore.  I don’t want to rely on people anymore.

 I try so hard every day to make people happy and to be a good person but sometimes I wonder whether what I convey on the outside is at all the same as how I feel on the inside.  I sometimes wonder if people look at me as an easy target to walk all over.  I seriously even hate writing these words but I think it is vital to get my thoughts out on the table to finally face.  I may not be speaking them to anyone but I am at least getting out what I have been holding in….I am getting out the resentment and pain that has lingered.  If you have gotten this far in this drawn out entry I don’t want you to think I am unhappy.  This is not the story of Woe is Me!  We are all made up of these various parts of ourselves and this is only a piece of me.  This is the piece of me that is hardest to express because I don’t like being so honest about these feelings that I have.  I meet people throughout life and some inspire me and push me forward while others do the complete opposite.  I wanted so badly to believe in the last guy I was dating (and I am not saying he is a bad person) but his life and my life would never coincide and his actions broke me just a little bit more.  Again, I do not resent him….I resent the fact that I put so much effort into something that I pretty much knew would amount to nothing.  This is the aspect of my life I can’t quite figure out yet….I believe it is the aspect with the greatest challenge.  I love and hate these challenges (ha ha).

For now I will depart because when I start babbling like this I could go on forever and I will go on a long drawn out rant about my purpose in this life.  I would do that but I have homework shouting my name.

Posted in Blog, Blogging, Diane, Fun, Health, Inspiration, Journal, Life, Love, Philosophy, random thoughts, Thoughts, Writing | 2 Comments