It's a New Day…

Day 289 Question 289:

What gives your life meaning?

Yesterday I found out that an acquaintance of mine was killed in a car accident the previous night.  This was a girl that I had met through mutual friends at their wedding and we had mingled at a couple of different parties together.  The main memory I have of her is at our friends birthday party we were all playing badminton and her and I decided to team up.  I remember laughing so much and thinking about how funny she was.  She was only 21 so there was a decent age gap between the two of us but we became Facebook friends and we would comment to each other here and there.  She was a huge fan of Kelly Clarkson and just a few months ago she was finally able to see her live and had the luck of being able to meet her as well.  She also had a great opportunity to study abroad in China and she was due to leave in a few weeks and her excitement was so infectious.  She raised $500 for the trip and I remember thinking to myself that I should do something for her to help her out.  The thought came and went and I wish I had went with my gut feeling in the moment.  She was only 21 years old and her life was cut so short and although I did not know what her well it just doesn’t seem possible….it is really very sad.

My heart had felt heavy all day thinking about her and thinking about all of her close friends and family (she had so many).  On top of this sadness came the wrath of Hurricane Sandy that narrowed in so many parts of New England and while I trekked along on the treadmill at the gym I watched the images on TV and I thought about what damage a storm like that could do….I felt kind of choked up.  It was hard to watch the images of homes being flooded to a point of no repair and the idea of people losing such personal possessions and possibly never returning to the place they always called home.  I realize that they a lot of it is only material items but I could not help to think about the memories being lost and having your life changing so drastically in just mere moments.

I can’t help but replay certain images in my head.  I replay images of people in poverty stricken countries that survive off of nearly nothing.  I replay images of people that have no family.  I replay images of women and children that have been beaten and left for dead and have had to endure a life of psychological trauma.  These images are not pleasant to have or to even think about but they are what give my life meaning.  These images drive me to not live in a selfish manner and to give back whenever I possibly can.  I sometimes feel like in these entries I try to portray myself in a saint-like manner or come off to people as almost phony.  I hope that is not the case.  I just look at the life that I have lead and I believe I have been given enough and it is now my time to give back.  My mom keeps asking me what I want for Christmas and I keep telling her that I really do not want anything….and I mean it.  I would rather have the moments of my life spent with the people that give my life meaning than be given material possessions.  Material possessions can be replaced but people cannot.  My parents have helped me through financial turmoil and have paid bills for me when I was unable to scrape the money together and all I keep thinking about is how it is my time to repay them.  They won’t ask for it and I don’t just hand them money but I make sure to do the little things as often as I can.  The other day I saw this t-shirt on Facebook that said: Short People.  God Only Lets Things Grow Until They Are Perfect.  Some of Us Didn’t Take as Long as Others.  My mother is 4’11 and she is the first person that came to mind and of course I shared it with her on her wall.  She commented and said she wished she had that shirt to take on her upcoming cruise.  Little did she know that right after I saw it posted I went to a website and ordered it for her.  I was going to make it a surprise and just let it show up at her doorstep but she called me last night and told me she really wanted that t-shirt and was asking if I knew where she could get one.  I had to let the cat out of the bag and tell her that I already ordered it for her.  It is moments like those that give my life meaning…to be able to do for others and to experience there happiness whether it be little or big.

It is moments of being able to hug the people that I love and tell them everything that I love about them that give my life meaning.  It is taking the opportunity to listen to people when I know they need to be heard.  It is not taking for granted everything that I have been blessed with thus far.  People tell me I am crazy all of the time for exposing myself to images of poverty and violence and world chaos but I know it is what I need in order to feel that passion inside of me.  It drives me to appreciate my own life but also to give back when I can…to remember that I have no reason to complain about the superficial things in life when so many others have nothing and are extremely content.  It is the opportunity to gain knowledge every single day that gives my life meaning and to experience life outside of my own little bubble.  I may sound annoying to some with all of this “goody goody” talk but I know that it is my time in this life to give back…it is my time to discover life outside of me.  I was born to be a humanitarian and to do service for others…I feel that in my bones.  I truly believe I would never grow if I was not able to see this.

Day 288 Question 288:

Are you open to change?  Do you have difficulty with it?  What changes have you made in your life?

Over the past 33 (almost 34 years) I have subconsciously watched this person grow.  Of course I am talking about myself.  I sit here now thinking about who I am and how much more life I have to experience.  I sit here right now wondering about what life will bring to be and what obstacles along my journey I will need to overcome.  I sit here and wonder if we do have a purpose in life and if and when we ever figure out what it is.

So, the question at hand is whether or not I am open to change.  I guess change is a very broad word and idea.  Those that know me know that I love to change my appearance.  I love to change my hair color and length and style probably more than so many other women out there.  I change my clothing options and I have changed my body by taking better care of myself.  I believe in change probably more than anything else in this entire world but it can be one of the most difficult things to do.  When we set our mind on change it usually comes along with the idea that we are not content with something right now….we don’t like the way that we are navigating certain things.  Admitting to oneself the things that we don’t like that we know are detrimental to us is very difficult….no one enjoys seeing themselves in a negative way.

I can’t tell you an exact moment when I knew changes needed to start in my life….I think for me it was a progression.  I think I grew tired of not enjoying anything and living a life of self-loathing.  The visions of myself started to become clear and I was not happy with that I was seeing.  I knew that inside of me was this person with great strength and a strong voice that had all of these talents and abilities but on the outside I was this person constantly taking part in my own pity party.  It all felt so confusing because there was so much I didn’t understand in life and for so long I never took the time to try to figure it out.  I never took the time to examine myself and face those demons that I was allowing to control me.  I was never asking myself why I let myself get to the weight that I did or why I led such an unhealthy lifestyle for so long.  I never asked myself why I felt the need to always put a mask on on the outside for everyone else and act as if everything was just fine.  I portrayed myself as strong but inside I was so weak.  I never faced the fact that I allowed myself to be in these relationships with people that brought my down all of the time.  I knew what I wanted out of life and chose to settle for so much less.

Today this person I speak of has become an illusion.  The last “relationship” I was in sent me over the edge and I grew very sick of making the wrong choices.  I grew really sick of putting in the effort with people that never put in the effort for me.  I took this past year of my life to work on me….to figure me out….to not focus on relationships (romantic relationships that is)….to ask questions….to dive into books….to learn what my passions are.  I still absolutely love doing for others but I stopped forgetting about myself….everyone needs to feel special and to feel needed in other people’s lives.  I had to stop lying to myself and making a bunch of excuses.  The last relationship changed me because for months after we ended I still made excuses for him and preached about what a good guy he was and how the timing just wasn’t right.  I finally screwed my head on right and realized that it was very doubtful that I was passing through his mind.  He didn’t care the way that I cared and as painful as that feels, I don’t want to fight for someone that doesn’t want to fight for me.  Over this past year I have changed so much and I have not only reminded myself of my beauty and my value but I have believed it.  I talk about myself so much in this blog because I want to be able to look back and remember this time and hold onto this person…..I want to have the reminder of the time that I truly found myself.

I have difficulty changing certain things in my life but I have awareness…I don’t deny the things I know I need to change.  I guess I should say want to change more than need to change.  I still worry far too much and I still have a silly addiction to technology.  I meditate which helps an insane amount but I don’t rest my mind enough.  I don’t express myself vocally enough and stand up for myself enough.  I am blissfully happy with where my life is at this very moment but I have yet to figure out completely what I want and what I need…..I guess that is all part of the journey.  I sometimes wish my brain had an off button because the thoughts can be overwhelming and I am unsure why I am the way that I am.  My nature of a person is so different from anyone in my family and I really don’t know why and being different than everyone can sometimes be intense and confusing.  I can’t always express what I am feeling and sometimes I wish there was that one person in the world that would just give me their genuine, undivided attention whenever I needed it and lend me their hand to guide me…and once those words were typed I knew people would think that God is that person.  Maybe that is true but right now I want someone in the flesh to just comfort me in moments of need and listen to me when I want to just babble about these overwhelming thoughts and feelings.  I was called weird by my family members and that was a stab to the heart and they may think it is no big deal but when you feel weird and quirky and already unaccepted and then have your thoughts verified, it can be quite painful.  Again, I love myself more than I ever have and this journey has been amazing but the balancing act is not always easy…..the ability to show vulnerability feels almost impossible.

As you can see, change has been huge in my life and will continue to be.  In order to change we have to accept what is and that usually never comes easy.  I have had to accept that some of my mistakes in life have caused me to lose friendships and relationships that to this day I wish I had.  I know I am a good person with this huge heart…..I want to help people find their happiness and hold onto it.  In the process though I do not want to take my happiness for granted or get lost in the worry of trying to be the person I think others want me to be.  Acceptance is the change that I need to keep working on and ridding myself of the worry that tends to overcome me.  I need to shut of the voice that is telling me that I am too dramatic and people are going to think I am fake or needy or this or that.  Change is this beautiful thing and it is something I completely embrace but it is something that does not always come so easily.  I hope to look back on this time in my life, reread this entry and see this kind person still coming through….I hope the changes have come in abundance….I hope the belief in myself continues to flourish.

Day 287 Question 287:

What are some words that you live by, and why?

The words that guide me through life are: Do no let your ego control you!  It is you that makes your choices in life.

I am made up of this beautiful soul and times are going to be hard every once in a while but once I came to learn and accept my emotions for what they are and once I learned that it is my ego that holds all of the negativity, everything changed.  There are days that I feel overwhelmed with every emotion in the spectrum and when I feel like that I remind myself to focus on the now because the past is gone and I have no control over the future.  What is going to happen is going to happen.  I may think negative things in a moment but I no longer live to believe those things.  I remind myself silently every day that I am beautiful and that I am kind and that I have more potential that I could have ever imagined.

Day 286 Question 286:

What is something you would want to share to inspire others?

24 Things to Always Remember. . .

and One Thing to Never Forget

your presence is a present to the world.

You’re unique and one of a kind.

Your life can be what you want it to be.

Take the days just one at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles.

You’ll make it through whatever comes along.

Within you are so many answers.

Understand, have courage, be strong.

Don’t put limits on yourself.

So many dreams are waiting to be realized.

Decisions are too important to leave to chance.

Reach for your peak, your goal, and your prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.

The longer one carries a problem, the heavier it gets.

Don’t take things too seriously.

Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way.

Remember that a lot . . . goes forever.

Remember that friendship is a wise investment.

Life’s treasures are people . . . together.

Realize that it’s never too late.

Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.

Have heath and hope and happiness.

Take the time to wish upon a star.

And don’t ever forget . . .

For even a day . . .

How very special you are.

Day 285 Question 285:

What’s your single greatest moment of personal failure?  Looking back on it now, did it make you weaker or stronger?  What did you learn?

I hate to think about failure but it has happened to all of us.  We strive to do what we think is best and along the way we just fuck up many many times.  That is what life is all about though.  Without failure we would never truly not know success feels like.

The year of 2007 was my biggest failure.  Ok, not the year itself.  Let me explain.  In 2007 I met a guy through mutual friends and we immediately clicked.  At the time we met he had a girlfriend but she was 1,000 miles away and that relationship fizzled very fast.  This guy and I spent A LOT of time together.  It had been a long time since I had a guy show interest in me so of course I fell right into the trap.  This guy was a severe alcoholic and for an entire year I took being used and going into financial debt and I took emotional/verbal abuse that broke me to a point that I no longer knew who I was.  I think about him very rarely now but when I do I flash back to this time where I see myself as being so pathetic.  Not once did I stand up for myself.  This was a “man” that allowed me to pay every single bar tab and meal ticket.  In the whole year that we “dated” or whatever it was, he paid maybe twice.  This was a “man” that stood in my home and screamed in my face saying, “You are just pissed because I don’t want to fuck your fat ass anymore.”  This was a “man” that took every little thing from me and I allowed it to happen.  You may read this and question how in the hell I could be with someone like that.  It was your typical scenario of someone’s true colors coming out slowly and through every verbal beat -down I still held onto the few kind and fun moments.  I truly believed he had goodness in him and that he would one day realize what a gift he had by being with me.  Hindsight is 20/20 because I know now that he was never going to see this “gift” because I, myself didn’t see it.  I would be lying if I said I did not still hold onto some anger to this very day when I think about the whole situation but the anger doesn’t control me by any means.

I don’t reflect back on this year of my life very often but when I do the tears usually start to shed from my eyes.  I do not blame him for his actions because it was my choice to put up with his actions.
I feel sorry for him in having to lead a life the way that he does but that is his choice and I no longer need to be a part of it.  I am merely speaking of the past but remember that this time in my life does not have a hold on me because I see life through much different lenses now.  Back then though, as hard as it is to admit, I was so broken and so weak.  It makes my heart hurt to think about allowing someone to tell me every horrible thing he thought about me and continually staying around.  I was allowing myself to be tortured and the end result was a complete and utter break down.  I had to rebuild my life from rock bottom up and it is until only recently (within this last year) that I feel both mentally and physically healthy.  I am not in the “perfect” place but I am in a place that makes me happy.  I get asked all of the time why I don’t have a boyfriend and why I am not married with children.  Just yesterday my mom got a letter from my aunt that I have not seen in many years and the first thing she asked was whether or not I had a boyfriend.  I understand it is natural for people to ask that and I don’t get offended but it was this time in my life that changed me.  I am not opposed to being in a relationship and of course meeting someone great that would complement my life would be amazing but right now at this time in my life, the focus is on me.  I spent too much time living by the rules of other people and allowing others to dictate what I do and what I feel.  People tell me all of the time that I can’t always be so cautious when it comes to relationships and I can’t let my past control my present and my only response is, “This is my life and I will handle it according to how I feel.”  I don’t want my past to control my present but I do want to make better decisions  from here on out and when I see red flags I no longer ignore them….people can tell me until they are blue in the face that I am too picky or too critical and I allow them to think it but it is only me that lives in this body and feels what I feel.

I have never considered or would ever consider suicide but the year of 2007 it would not have mattered because I already felt like I was broken and damaged beyond repair that nothing made any kind of sense.  I felt lifeless.  It truly was the worst time in my life and there is nothing I am more thankful for than being able to make my way through it and having support from the people that see me and love me for everything that I am.  It is hard to call this time in my life a failure because of the leaps and bounds I have come from it.  At that moment I was failing because I was unable to believe in my own beauty and my own value….I was letting myself down every single day by choosing to allow this shitty person to control my belief system….I allowed him to make me believe that I was not and never would be good enough.  The choices I made during that time were completely toxic.  Because of his alcoholism I started drinking more myself.  I enabled him and in the meantime lived in a continual state of haze.  I started to fear that I might even be developing a problem.  When I tell people I don’t drink I explain it was a lifestyle change but in truth, it is the flashbacks to this point in my life that really drove me to just eliminate it.  I never saw or felt anything good from it and I just wanted it out of my life.  This one little substance brought so much pain to my life and I finally decided that it was now or never and in 4 days it will be 2 years since I have consumed any alcohol….and I can say I have no intentions of picking it up again.  I am so in love with the fact that I challenged myself and went far beyond my expectations.  Why would I break this long streak for only moments of “fun” when I can do that already in a completely sober state.

I think about the person that I was in 2007 and I think about the person I am in this very moment and it seems very surreal.  It feels to me like who I was was simply a figment of my imagination.  Here I sit now as this strong willed woman with all of these plans and all of these accomplishments under her belt and it is unreal to think of a time when I could have been so self-destructive and self-loathing.  As damaging and torturous as that time was, I believe it happened because it needed to….I needed to feel that kind of pain in order to strive for so much better and to truly start to love myself for who I am.  It was a time of beautiful chaos and melodic torture.  It is a time that I will look back on that will bring a rush of emotions but those emotions will always end in pride and self-love because I stopped allowing the anger and the pain to control me.

Day 284 Question 284:

If you were to make a Time Capsule right now what would you put in it?

When you were young did you have to do a time capsule for class?  I remember doing one in the 4^th grade and I am almost certain it is still buried in the back yard of the house that I grew up in.  I have very little recollection of that could be in that box except for a class picture and a few strands of my own hair.  I hope that one day I might just get my hands on that box but if not I hope whoever does is able to find a box full of memories of a young child.  I hope they are able to embrace the innocence and the excitement of the items the box contained.

I have wondered about what items I would put in a time capsule now that I am an adult.  What things are significant enough that I would want to dig up in 30+ years or have someone else find in hopes that they appreciate what is in that box.  Well, I guess here is my chance to figure it out.

1)      I would print all of my writings from this blog and bind and cover it and include prints of some of my favorite artwork from Georgia O’Keefe, Andy Warhol and Banksy the most amazing street artist.

2)      I would include my copy of The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama.  The copy that has been highlighted so I can remember those parts that were obviously important in the moment.

3)      I would include a letter…just a general letter for whoever were to open the box.  A letter of what I hope the world may have become….a letter encouraging the reader to believe in love and to find their personal path in life.  A letter that would encourage them to find their happiness and to remember that it is a journey not a destination.

4)      I would include pictures from every period of my life so I could see my own evolution (or whoever were to open the box could see it).  I would label each picture and doodle a small note about what I remember about my life at that time.

5)      I would include folded notes from my friends and family that had never been read by anyone (except for the person writing them) and ask them what happiness means to them and what they hope the world will be like in 30+ years.  I would allow them to express as much or as little as they wanted.

I am unsure of what else I would include in this time capsule.  I could include material items but those are the things that don’t hold much significance to me.  It would be interesting to see how certain materials have changed over time but I am more interested to learn how people have changed over time and to see if society has progressed or regressed (which would obviously be a matter of opinion).  I would want to share my important thoughts and feelings at this moment in life in hopes to revisit and see if I still hold onto the same beliefs and values and if the box is opened by hands other than my own I hope they are able to feel the passion through my words and I hope that passion drives them in some way or another.  I hope my words have a power to move someone…..to make them want to continue to be better and to do better.

Day 283 Question 283:

At what point are we good enough? When are we self-improved enough to accept ourselves?

Take a look at your life.  Can you TRULY say to yourself that you love everything last little thing about yourself?  Can you spend each day not criticizing at least one thing about yourself?  We all have our moments of self-doubt and self-questioning, whether it be linked to our physical attributes or our psychological state.  We are creatures of question and continually wanting to improve ourselves in some way or another.  The question is, when are we really good enough?  Is there a peak that we can possibly reach in which we can go no further?  By what person’s rules are we living by to say what is really good enough?

I have spent the majority of my life feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.  Self-criticism came far too easy and far too often.  In the blink of an eye I have up living with all of this self-doubt and decided I was going to accept myself.  I can choose to change certain things but I strongly believe in the natural way of things.  I believe that there is a big different between being comfortable and confident with oneself and convincing oneself that you are truly comfortable and confident.  I fall right down the middle between the two.  I know I am a great writer and have the natural ability to welcome people into my life and make them feel comfortable.  I have a nurturing way about myself that comes with ease and never feels forced.  I am smart and sophisticated but I still have moments of unease.  I am constantly looking for improve myself and I guess the question at hand is what are my goals and why are those my goals?  I continually work on my body and want to get to a healthy place.  My body will never be “perfect” in comparison to society’s standards because there are stretch marks and cellulite and loose skin that will never stretch back to normal.  No, I do not enjoy looking at it but that does not mean I quit the challenge for wellness.  I believe we are good enough when we set realistic goals and reach those goals….when we are able to accept that society is not who we need to look to for approval but instead decide what we want and work toward those goals (hopefully they are healthy goals…and I say this loosely because what one may consider healthy another may not).  Hopefully young girls will strive toward focusing on keeping themselves healthy and by this I do not mean by being a size 2 or fitting into a tiny bikini…by healthy I mean making conscious choices that will keep their body running to the best of its ability and feeling comfortable in their own skin.  As a society, we are continually looking to others for approval and we don’t even know how to look at ourselves for the same approval.  It is unfortunately what the natural way of things in this society that have been for a very long time.  I have internal battles all of the time because I know that sometimes how I feel and what I want do not coincide with what others think is right.  For example, when I had issues with family members talking negatively about me I stood up for myself.  I never used to do that but I have grown to feel that we should all do that (in a constructive way of course) because it allows us a freedom to be ourselves.  My father does not like confrontation and believes I should have just let it go.  I respect my father greatly so I debated back and forth whether or not what I did was right or wrong.  Did I overstep any boundaries?  Did I say the wrong thing?  It was because of my father’s beliefs that I had all of these questions and self-doubt because I didn’t want him to be upset with me or disappointed with me.  I had to go with what my feelings and my gut were telling me and I knew in the end that I made the right decision.  I knew that if I did not express my hurt to these people that it would stay bottled up inside of me and would just turn into continual resentment and dislike for these people.  Being honest is not always an easy thing….especially being honest in a tactful way.

I do think we (as a society of people) can be good enough but it only goes along with being accepting of ourselves.  I truly believe that accepting oneself fully may potentially be one of the hardest things for us to do.  There is no easy way to accept flaws or faults.  If you think about your life, how have you handled heartbreak or doubt?  It is hard to accept the pain and the just allow it to be what it is….we want it to go away immediately and when it doesn’t it stirs up even more negative emotions such as anxiety and anger.  These emotions are toxic for your body and mind.  They will come and go and when we accept that we are able to see the natural flow in life.  This may sound all hippie dippy to some but it makes a lot more sense once you starting practicing it….instead of reacting to certain negative emotions just let me be what they are.  I have personally found that by doing this that the negativity passes much quicker and I problems become insignificant.  I no longer let that negative ego have control over me.

Honestly, I think being good enough comes with finding an inner peace and to be honest many people don’t find it because of the chaos that surrounds them every day and some don’t strive to find it.  It is something that is not introduced very often because life is so fast paced and we are always on a constant track forward and must keep going and going and going.  I may not love every part of myself but I know I am good enough simply because I am (finally) living in a natural state….I am living to meet my expectations not the expectations of the masses.  I continually challenge myself to keep my mind sharp and my senses alert.  Once I stopper living to meet the outer beauty standards of society and stopped listening to everyone up on their soapbox and started listening to my own inner voice (without doubt and questioning), I knew then that I was good enough….better than good enough.