Day 288 Question 288:

Are you open to change?  Do you have difficulty with it?  What changes have you made in your life?

Over the past 33 (almost 34 years) I have subconsciously watched this person grow.  Of course I am talking about myself.  I sit here now thinking about who I am and how much more life I have to experience.  I sit here right now wondering about what life will bring to be and what obstacles along my journey I will need to overcome.  I sit here and wonder if we do have a purpose in life and if and when we ever figure out what it is.

So, the question at hand is whether or not I am open to change.  I guess change is a very broad word and idea.  Those that know me know that I love to change my appearance.  I love to change my hair color and length and style probably more than so many other women out there.  I change my clothing options and I have changed my body by taking better care of myself.  I believe in change probably more than anything else in this entire world but it can be one of the most difficult things to do.  When we set our mind on change it usually comes along with the idea that we are not content with something right now….we don’t like the way that we are navigating certain things.  Admitting to oneself the things that we don’t like that we know are detrimental to us is very difficult….no one enjoys seeing themselves in a negative way.

I can’t tell you an exact moment when I knew changes needed to start in my life….I think for me it was a progression.  I think I grew tired of not enjoying anything and living a life of self-loathing.  The visions of myself started to become clear and I was not happy with that I was seeing.  I knew that inside of me was this person with great strength and a strong voice that had all of these talents and abilities but on the outside I was this person constantly taking part in my own pity party.  It all felt so confusing because there was so much I didn’t understand in life and for so long I never took the time to try to figure it out.  I never took the time to examine myself and face those demons that I was allowing to control me.  I was never asking myself why I let myself get to the weight that I did or why I led such an unhealthy lifestyle for so long.  I never asked myself why I felt the need to always put a mask on on the outside for everyone else and act as if everything was just fine.  I portrayed myself as strong but inside I was so weak.  I never faced the fact that I allowed myself to be in these relationships with people that brought my down all of the time.  I knew what I wanted out of life and chose to settle for so much less.

Today this person I speak of has become an illusion.  The last “relationship” I was in sent me over the edge and I grew very sick of making the wrong choices.  I grew really sick of putting in the effort with people that never put in the effort for me.  I took this past year of my life to work on me….to figure me out….to not focus on relationships (romantic relationships that is)….to ask questions….to dive into books….to learn what my passions are.  I still absolutely love doing for others but I stopped forgetting about myself….everyone needs to feel special and to feel needed in other people’s lives.  I had to stop lying to myself and making a bunch of excuses.  The last relationship changed me because for months after we ended I still made excuses for him and preached about what a good guy he was and how the timing just wasn’t right.  I finally screwed my head on right and realized that it was very doubtful that I was passing through his mind.  He didn’t care the way that I cared and as painful as that feels, I don’t want to fight for someone that doesn’t want to fight for me.  Over this past year I have changed so much and I have not only reminded myself of my beauty and my value but I have believed it.  I talk about myself so much in this blog because I want to be able to look back and remember this time and hold onto this person…..I want to have the reminder of the time that I truly found myself.

I have difficulty changing certain things in my life but I have awareness…I don’t deny the things I know I need to change.  I guess I should say want to change more than need to change.  I still worry far too much and I still have a silly addiction to technology.  I meditate which helps an insane amount but I don’t rest my mind enough.  I don’t express myself vocally enough and stand up for myself enough.  I am blissfully happy with where my life is at this very moment but I have yet to figure out completely what I want and what I need…..I guess that is all part of the journey.  I sometimes wish my brain had an off button because the thoughts can be overwhelming and I am unsure why I am the way that I am.  My nature of a person is so different from anyone in my family and I really don’t know why and being different than everyone can sometimes be intense and confusing.  I can’t always express what I am feeling and sometimes I wish there was that one person in the world that would just give me their genuine, undivided attention whenever I needed it and lend me their hand to guide me…and once those words were typed I knew people would think that God is that person.  Maybe that is true but right now I want someone in the flesh to just comfort me in moments of need and listen to me when I want to just babble about these overwhelming thoughts and feelings.  I was called weird by my family members and that was a stab to the heart and they may think it is no big deal but when you feel weird and quirky and already unaccepted and then have your thoughts verified, it can be quite painful.  Again, I love myself more than I ever have and this journey has been amazing but the balancing act is not always easy…..the ability to show vulnerability feels almost impossible.

As you can see, change has been huge in my life and will continue to be.  In order to change we have to accept what is and that usually never comes easy.  I have had to accept that some of my mistakes in life have caused me to lose friendships and relationships that to this day I wish I had.  I know I am a good person with this huge heart…..I want to help people find their happiness and hold onto it.  In the process though I do not want to take my happiness for granted or get lost in the worry of trying to be the person I think others want me to be.  Acceptance is the change that I need to keep working on and ridding myself of the worry that tends to overcome me.  I need to shut of the voice that is telling me that I am too dramatic and people are going to think I am fake or needy or this or that.  Change is this beautiful thing and it is something I completely embrace but it is something that does not always come so easily.  I hope to look back on this time in my life, reread this entry and see this kind person still coming through….I hope the changes have come in abundance….I hope the belief in myself continues to flourish.