It's a New Day…

Day 50 Question 50:

What is one of your favorite places in the whole world?

Well I made it to Day 50.  Who would have thunk it???  I just finished my first meditation of the day and when I first come out of it I usually feel groggy but that usually passes quickly and it is followed by the feelings of motivation both physically and mentally.  This form of meditation is supposed to assist with memory and it was so strange because while I was in my relaxed state I had an image of my old house back in NY.  The house that I grew up in.  I felt like I could take in all of the smells and feel the carpet under my feet.  This house was one of my favorite places in the whole world.  There will never be another place that I will be able to call home and get the same feel as I did when I lived in this house.

I grew up in a small town in northern N.Y. on a residential street.  Our street was made up of houses on two sides of a grassy island.  My house was three stories.  Yes, it was big but don’t get the wrong idea it was not a mansion.  We were always a middle-class modest family living in a modest home.  The house was built in the early 1900’s (I believe in the 1920’s).  I was born in the hospital right down the street…only 2 short blocks away.  This house was everything to me.  I never mentioned it on my bucket list but I would do anything to buy this house one day…maybe not to live in permanently but to just go back to when I was feeling nostalgic…to sleep in my old room and start a fire in the woodstove.

The memories I have from this house are absolutely endless.  It truly was home because it had that feeling of family.  We had a big yard with tons of room to run around and a swingset and a pool in the back yard.  My dad put up a basketball hoop on the garage.  All of the neighborhood kids rode their bikes around the park (that is what we called the grassy island in the middle of the street) for hours.  I love where I live now because the weather is beautiful and the beach is so close but the feeling of family and the same security is nonexistent.

My house growing up was brown and white with a red painted roof over the porch that stood out like a sore thumb.  I remember my dad repainting that roof every few years and us sisters would beg him to paint it a different color.  A birch tree sat in the middle of our front yard and finally met its demise during the Ice Storm of 1998.  There was also a tree that sat on the far left corner of the front yard.  I have no idea what kind of tree this was but we always referred to it as the umbrella tree because it was shaped just like an umbrella.  Unfortunately this tree met its final days during the same ice storm.  I wish I had more pictures of these things that are floating into my memory at this very moment.

This house that I grew up in was filled with warmth and family.  We had a front porch that entertained a wide variety of people young and old.  Our porch was a place where a lot of people were drawn to…adults would sit outside and have a cocktail enjoying the breeze, talking about life.  The kids would sit on the side banisters and dare each other to jump down onto the driveway (many injuries occurred from this senseless act ;0)  The front door going into our house was solid and heavy but beautiful.  The thing about the door though was it was quite tricky to open.  In order to get out or in, you had to push the door knob in and then turn it to the right.  You had to get it just right to get the door open.  All of us that lived there knew this trick like the back of our hand but it was always amusing to watch strangers try to leave….it was like we were holding them captive.

My father built on a family room to this house in 1978, the same year I was born.  Until the day the house became empty of all Owens memories, in this room was a red shag rug.  This was a rug that (in my opinion) came out way before it’s time.  It screamed 1970’s all the way but it had this amazing retro feel that would always be timeless.  I remember begging my dad to check if any pieces were left anywhere so I could bring it to college and put it in my dorm room.  I would kill to have this rug somewhere in my condo now.  While writing this I had a good chuckle because I immediately pictured my sister shaking her head in disbelief that I actually loved this rug.  Let’s just say our styles were always really different.  I was always the one to push the envelope a little too far.  ;0)  Regardless of the rug though, this room was where we lived.  We spent a majority of our time in this room with the woodstove burning on freezing cold nights.  The windows had rollers and would push out as opposed to being pulled up and down.  One wall was made up entirely of brick and there was a heat vent in the floor that I remember as clear as day.  As a little girl I would stand over it in my nightgown and watch all sides of the material puff right out as it would fill with the heated air.  So many members of our family and friends gathered in this room for parties and get togethers alike or just to pile in and watch a movie.  Our home always had this cozy feel that people just loved.

I could go on forever describing this place that I loved so much.  I am happy with my life and I love that I have experienced different places and have lived in really nice places since but I miss this house more than anything.  This house is the place that holds most of my memories.  I started my life in this house and I grew up through so many phases of my life there.  I still can picture sitting on the counter in the kitchen looking into the backyard or playing for hours with my neighborhood friends in the basement.  I can still remember taking pictures with a huge group of friends before venturing off to senior prom then coming back afterwards for a big slumber party.  I remember sliding down the banister and almost taking out the light sitting on the front table more times than I would like to admit.  I remember falling asleep in my parents bed as a young girl (or at least fake being asleep) and having my dad come in and carry me to my own bed (I loved when he would do that).  I remember standing in the kitchen and watching clothes come flying down into the driveway because my mom was so sick of my sister never cleaning her room that she decided to open her bedroom window and throw all of her stuff out (no my mom is not a total nutbag…she is just a mom-haha).  This was a house with a million different places to hide for a thrilling game of hide and seek.  We had many nights of the smell of skunk pouring in through our windows as well as a night of 6 bats flying through the house and my sister taking cover under her ski jacket (don’t worry my dad and his broom took care of the problem).  This was the house that I remember sitting in a recliner in my parent’s room and looking out the window on Christmas Eve night hoping for a glimpse of Santa and his sleigh.

As I sit here writing this entry I am amazed at the memories that flooded my head.  I feel beyond lucky to still be holding these memories because this house (it was never just a house, it was always home) is a huge part of me.  It makes me cringe slightly to think of other people living there and remodeling and redecorating (even though, to be honest, it really did need it) and building their own memories of what they now call home.  I hope to one day (if I am unable to buy this house) visit this place I once called home.  I have no shame in ringing the doorbell and asking the people if I can just take a look around.  Unless they are complete a**holes, I highly doubt they would deny me this.  This was a really wonderful trip down memory lane.  I am going to have to make sure to share this entry with my family and friends that I grew up with so they are able to rehash their old memories as well.  Thank you so much for checking me out today and I hope maybe I was able to spark up some of your wonderful childhood memories.  :0)

P.S.  I thought I would include some old school pictures that show some of the house in the background.  Check out the awesome cat wallpaper in the last picture and how awesome the candy cane striped swingset was in the first picture…oh yea and I am sure you didn’t miss the orange velour chair (that my parents still have to this day).  Ha Ha.  I loved EVERYTHING about this house :0)

Day 49 Question 49:

Who are you?

Life is full of these twists and turns.  Life is a story that makes absolutely no sense but follows this path that makes us all feel secure enough to go on another day.  I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  I have been reaching out to feel as many different things as I can through as many different outlets as I can.  I am not looking for an answer.  There is no answer.  Life is about what we feel.  We don’t always understand why we feel the way that we do and sometimes we hate the way that we are feeling but there are times when we feel this complete sense of euphoria.  We have those small moments when everything seems to make complete and absolute sense.

I sit here and I stroke the keys in front of me to feel the sensation on my fingertips.  I watch the rain outside of my window and want to stick my arm out and watch the droplets of water disappear from my skin.  I want to feel its mixture of warmth and cold.  It might seem strange but sometimes when I read things or when I see things I fall into a different world.

There seems to be this order to life that so many people follow.  We live a childhood and go to school, we go to college or get a job, we find “the one”, we get married, we have babies, we live happily ever after.  I see bits and pieces of this picture.  I have never been able to see any of these things clearly without feeling suffocated.  I cannot equate love with settling down.  I equate love to this amazing sense of desire.  I picture so many scenarios in my head of what I truly believe love is.  I think this scenario is my head is what makes me believe that most people that say they are in love really aren’t.  This scenario is what makes me believe that most people are settling because they are afraid of being alone.  I am afraid of being alone but I do not want to settle.  I do not want the house with the white picket fence.  I don’t need the materialistic things to share with another person.  In my vision I imagine sitting on a blanket on the beach watching the tide roll in together and sharing stories about our dreams, what makes us crazy, what makes us laugh, what makes us cry.  I picture endless moments together learning every moment and every aspect we can about each other.  I see creating art together in different ways, whether it be by taking pictures of each other in the most random of times just to capture and hold onto that moment—to be able to revisit that feeling.  When I think about love I feel it in every part of me.  I am alone right now because of this vision I have.  I want something that maybe is completely unobtainable.  I don’t want to give up this vision though.  One time I thought I felt what love was, at least parts of it.  I felt love in a short time and I had doubts because everything in society told me that it is impossible to love someone right away.  Is it?  Love for everyone is so very different.  I do not mean to devalue love by saying a lot of people settle…I am just going by what my internal feelings are…something I am unable to control.

I am in a calm place in my life right now but I still experience moments of madness in my mind.  There is nothing about my thought process that will ever be simple.  I don’t know why I am like this.  On the outside most people wouldn’t know I am like this.  My head sometimes is this never-ending series of questions and desires to walk different paths.  I met this man once in the past that made me feel like my way of thinking was ok…it was better than ok.  When you fall in love does everything all of a sudden fall into place and make sense or does everything become even more confusing?

With this blog entry there was absolutely no direction to be taken.  I have meandered from one idea to the next and to the reader it may not make even a little bit of sense.  I have those moments when I just need to spew anything out that I can because my feelings inside are so intense.  I look at my life and I wonder where I have come from.  I seem so different from my family members (I love them dearly).  I cannot figure out where this natural curiosity and wonder about every little aspect of life came from.  I must have learned something somewhere that got the ball (actually the boulder) rolling. On the outside I believe I appear to be pretty normal but on the inside sometimes I feel like I am so odd and so strange because I think about things that seem to really be of no concern to others.  I chase after knowledge and information of things from the past to keep learning.  When I spent time with the man from my past there was something inside of me that always wanted me to ask him why things were the way they were or why things happened as they did or why I felt or thought the way  that I did.  Something inside of me always felt when I was with him (even through a lot of our chaos) that he had the answers…he understood it all.  Why did I feel that way?  What is that?  Is that was true and honest love feels like even if it is not reciprocated?

I cannot lie, I want this feeling back.  I don’t need it back from this same person (I am not sure how I would even act if the opportunity arose).  I just love that sense of security within yourself because of the presence of another.  I love the feeling of hanging off of someone’s every word because they intrigue and they inspire you just by being themselves.  I love to see someone experience weaknesses and have flaws because it makes them more real and it makes me love them even more.  I can be by myself.  I have made it this long and I have experienced a happiness that I know some people could only dream of but I want this feeling back.  Things you experience alone may be wonderful but they are undoubtedly 100 times better when they are shared.  In a way, love is about attraction but it is more (in my opinion) about understanding someone.  Love is about having that uncontrollable urge to ask someone to tell you in great detail what the journey of their life has been like so you can build a story in your head.  Love is doing the simplest of things but finding great joy in them because you are with this person that makes you feel alive…more than alive.  I don’t want my path determined for me and when it has come to meeting people of the opposite sex and swimming in the dating pool, I feel like with so many everything would be mapped out.  With so many there would be no curiosity, no intrigue, no wonder, no mystery.  I have hoped it would be there but unfortunately it has not.  Maybe I am living in my own fairytale and maybe I am the big stubborn ass that is unwilling to change but that has always been me.  I cannot do things that feel so unnatural.

I asked the question of who I am and I have given you sneak peeks.  Being asked who you are is such an abstract question.  I will not answering by telling my occupation or by describing my physical nature.  Those are superficial things about me….those things give me no definition.  I can answer this question but I admit it would be way more interesting to find out how others around me would answer the question.  It would give me a look inside of them…how they view me.  I am obviously the only person that will ever truly “know” me.  I know that there is nothing that is ever permanent about me.  I am constantly changing from one concept to the next to try everything I can out.  I am a wanderer and an artist.  I am a seeker of beauty in all of its forms.  I am an embracer of words.  My physical self is not who I am.  My thoughts are not who I am because those exit just as quickly as they enter.  I am this soul that feels every variety of emotion imaginable.  I believe I have even experienced emotions and feelings that remain nameless.  I struggle with the written word sometimes because what I feel is not able to be put into words…at least not in a manner that makes a lot of sense.  For example, when I meditate I do not try to push my thoughts out of my head because thoughts are natural.  When I reach a state of relaxation and sit with my eyes closed I feel a warmth go through my body and a sense of tingling (usually in my hands and feet).  Although my eyes are closed, I see waves of colors…it is as if they are being painted on the backs of my eyelids.  I do not focus on any of these things, they are just there.  When I finish meditating I open my eyes slowly and bring myself out of the relaxed state.  I usually don’t realize how relaxed I was until I am out of it.  See, what I am trying to describe about my feelings is coming off jumbled because it is undescribable.  What I find intriguing is how calm I feel after I meditate.  I feel so at ease and I feel like my creative juices just pour out of me.  I reread what I write and I am impressed with my thoughts because I am now able to express them in a way I want to.  I am able to be me in front of anyone and everyone that is willing to take the time to read.  So who am I?  I am this person that watches the world go by everyday.  I build relationships with people that I hold so dearly.  I am a person that will never be understood fully except for in the written word.  Comfort lies in my words on paper never though vocal words.

I hope I have not run anyone off with my craziness in this entry.  I have felt kind of unbalanced (for lack of a better word) all day.  I know that writing is what brings me back to my center…even if the words and the thoughts are all over the place.  This entry is filled with madness and disorganization but that is me.  I do not want to hide anymore.  I want to lay myself out there for everyone to see and hopefully more people will love me for that than not.

Day 48 Question 48:

What was your college Experience? What stands out the most? Did you find it difficult? Did you get good Grades?

There is absolutely no way I would be able to summarize my college experience in just a few pages.  I would need to publish a book or two to get all of the details I remember out of my system.  College was one of the best experiences of my entire life.  I now meander through Facebook and I see all of the friends I made back in the college days and memories immediately start rushing through my head.

I started college in the fall of 1996….I cannot believe it has been 16 years…where the time goes I do not know.  I came from a really small town (and I went to college in another small town about 40 miles away) and it was a completely different world.  I stepped on the campus feeling overly nervous and absolutely intimidated.  It didn’t take long for those feelings to cease.  I started my freshman year living in a dorm with all freshman…it was nice because we were all in the same boat.  I made friends with the people on my floor almost immediately.  I don’t want to give you a play by play of my entire college experience, I figure it would be much better and probably far more amusing to share the memories that flood through my head almost instantaneously.

Let me answer one question though, did I get good grades?  I ended up on academic probation after my first year at school (as did a majority of people in the freshman hall did).  It took me a little time to get out of party mode and realize that college was actually there for me to learn.  After freshman year I got my s**t together and my a** was found in the library quite often.  I  was never a 4.0 student (I still like to have my fun) but I balanced my time and priorities better.

I must admit that the memories that stick with me the  most are the one’s of wild parties and surroundings of new people almost always.  The amount of people I met and befriended in college was absolutely crazy.  I met people that came from all over the state and even some that came from out of state.  It was obvious that some kids were going to stick to their inner nerd and maintain that 4.0 no matter what (I should have followed their lead a little bit more) while others introduced me to all of the social aspects that college had to offer…they were the free spirits…the lovers of life (they seemed to figure it out way before I did).

I will go in no particular order here, because let’s face it I am lucky to piece anything together when it comes to college…chronological order is just not on the agenda.  As stated, I came from a small town and I admit to living a pretty sheltered life.  My parents were protective and I never was the kid to push the limits…until college that was.  I didn’t drink many times before going to school and I surely didn’t do anything else (i.e. smoke pot, do any hard drugs).  I never got into hard drugs during my college years but I will admit (yes pause for gasp) I smoked a good bit of weed back in my day.  I can still recall the first time I ever got high.  I had smoked a couple of times after parties my roommate and I would go to but I didn’t feel anything.  One day a ton of people (I cannot even recall who in all was there) all piled into our dorm room (yes we were geniuses and smoked pot in our dorm room all of the time—this is where the term paranoia first evolved—haha).  I was sitting on the end of my bed with 2 other people and other people were spread out throughout the room on chairs and on my roommates bed.  We were smoking a bowl just passing it one by one.  I remember thinking that I wasn’t feeling anything until all of a sudden I leaned back and this goofy ass grin came across my face.  I knew in that moment I was stoned.  My eyelids felt like they weighed 1,000 pounds and everything in the room just struck my interest.  I sat there in silence just watching and listening to everyone in complete awe.  My heart was pounding pretty hard but I was trying to ignore it (luckily I was able to).  The guy sitting next to me cracked some jokes and I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face.  Under normal circumstances I would have never found these jokes this funny but everything seemed to be more interesting and way more amusing in this stoned state.

My freshman year I spent a good deal of stoned.  I was by no means a pothead (smoking weed morning and night day in and day out) but I definitely enjoyed smoking a bowl or a joint on occasion…and finding weed in college was not difficult by any means.  After freshman year, failing grades and going on anti-depressants I just had to get rid of it (I would smoke once in a blue moon after that but never to the same extent).  I have no regrets though.  I will even admit to having a blast while smoking weed with good friends.  I experienced something in life and I took chances and tried something new.  I had what I believe is the college experience and luckily I was a smart enough girl to prioritize (unfortunately some people are unable to).  I could go on a rant saying how bad weed is and how it ruined my life but I would be lying.  Smoking weed was part of my college journey that has allowed me to have hilarious stories that I will be able to share with old friends for many years to come.  No, I do not smoke pot now and I have no desire to.  I don’t condemn people if they do….smoking weed is judgment call for everyone individually.  I am too nervous of a person with too much at stake now to take the risk.  I did it before, I had a lot of fun, I got it out of my system and I moved on.

Boy, this entry so just went in a direction I was not expecting it to go at all.  Not in a million years did I think I would reference pot this much in any of my blog entries.  Ha Ha!  I believe it makes me a little more human.  I tend to go on positivity and inspiration rants and I don’t want people to get the wrong idea about me.  I am not Mother Teresa by any means.  I am this person that has gone through a lot of different experiences and has had this amazing journey to learn from.  I have made A LOT of mistakes and made A LOT of poor choices and those days will never be done because that is what makes us grow and learn.  I guess I chose to share some of my college tales to let everyone see that I am a real person.  I love to have fun (the ways I have fun now are considerable different than they were back in my college days-but fun is still fun).  I absolutely love to laugh until it hurts and I believe in spending as much time smiling as I can.

I love thinking about college.  I love thinking about the people I met and those that I still keep in contact with.  My junior year of college I became friends with a bunch of rugby players from the other college that was in the same town.  Two of the guys were from my hometown so it was easy to meet a lot of people through them.  Rugby guys are a whole different breed of guys.  All I can say is there are absolutely no limits and no boundaries.  5 of these guys lived in a house that was an old church that they converted into a house—yes it was creepy and to top it off there was an old gynecologist table in the front hallway—I never asked questions.  These guys had parties all of the time and it was never unusual for holes to be made in the walls and people to be squashed in a room like sardines drinking beer.  It was the beginning of finals week and I was in the computer lab in my dorm.  During this week the dorms had what they called “silent hours”.  During majority of the days, there was to be no excessive loud noise.  I was working on one of my final papers when 3 of these rugby players come trotting into the computer lab (how they knew where I was I have no clue).  I was chillin in my pajamas just working on my paper when these three guys surround me, pick me up out of my chair and carry me outside throwing me in their car.  I am screaming and yelling telling them that I have a final to work on and everyone in the computer lab is just staring but no one decided to get up.  After being thrown in the car we headed in the direction of their house (no I was no scared or anything-I knew they were up to something-they were good friends).  We were driving downtown and got to a stop light.  I thought I would be brave at that moment and get out of the car and just start running back to campus.  My plan was botched pretty quickly.  I got out of the car and started running….seriously, I was trying to outrun rugby players (GENIUS) and my friend tackled me to the ground and threw me back in the car.  We finally arrived at the house and I was escorted in to find about 10 other girls hanging out there in lounge clothes looking all disheveled.  I laughed my ass off.  These guys went from dorm to dorm kidnapping all of their female friends in order to have a party.  I ended up saying screw my paper (so did all of the other girls because how could they pass up this story-telling opportunity) and played many rounds of beer pongs with new and old friends alike.  While everything was happening I was confused and all I could think about was my paper and all of my stuff that was sitting in the computer lab (I called a friend in the same dorm and asked her to get my stuff and keep it in her room).  Once I arrived and everything became clear I could not help but think what a genius plan this really was.  This was one of the most fun days I had in my entire college experience and it is a story that will stay with me forever.

I could go on and on and it is so fun to revisit my college years in my head right now.  College was a rollercoaster ride with many downs but the majority of my time was amazing.  I learned so much about who I am as a person, I learned about independence, I learned a lot about boys, I learned that this experience was going to leave me with stories that will always make me smile.  I made some great friends during these years and I realize that college is not for everyone and it is important that if you do decide to go to remember why you are there.  I would recommend college to ANYONE simply for the experience.  If any of my college friends are reading this now I would love for you to share a story or two (I know you have them—wink wink).  It would share with my readers what our college experiences were like as well as allow us (us as friends) revisit a time in our lives that now seems so far away.  And to my readers, what was your college experience like???

The video below was not my personal college experience but if you experienced college and you watch this I bet you could find a lot of the clips relatable.  I got a big kick out of it so I thought I would share.  :0)

Day 47 Question 47:

What is something that changed your life?

I got a text from a girl friend today (she works at a store in the mall) and she told me the last guy that I dated came in and asked about me.  In a moment I felt overwhelmed.  I still think about this person but I believe I had finally let go because I had to.  An array of emotions swarmed my body all at once.  She stated that he asked in a manner in which he was concerned about me which I thought was odd but I was not going to read into it.  I decided to send him a text and tell him I was well and it didn’t take me long to realize that I really am.  I FINALLY feel like I am at peace with myself.  I still overanalyze some things and I am not always sure of what I am feeling or how I am feeling but I am in a place where I have felt acceptance with how I am.  I am now at a place where I seem to be able to let things go fairly quickly.  Things don’t seem to sit with me for long.  I do think it has a lot to do with my new meditation techniques.  It is like drawing a line in the sand and having the water flow over it and wash it away.  It was there in a moment and gone in the next.  I have finally learned and now truly believe that I will never be able to enjoy the NOW if I hang onto the past.

I am in love now.  I am not in love with someone.  I am in love with my life.  The guy I spoke of above was  HUGE inspiration in my life.  He made me come to a lot of realizations about myself, my life, my thoughts, and my feelings.  He was the person in my life that pushed me harder and farther than anyone else ever had…well besides myself that is.  I am always the only one that will challenge myself just that much more than anyone else will.  This man from above though, although there are times I miss him and I have urges to tell him things (he always felt like the missing piece of the puzzle—the one that understood me-I still have the urge to tell him things in moments of excitement because at the time it was easy to babble to him), made me realize that I am in complete control of myself.  When we parted ways I was confused and lost.  I couldn’t feel more opposite of that than I do right now.  I see who I was and I see who I am and I realize that the only truth that there is in the world is that all we have is NOW!!!  I allowed my past to control my present for my entire life and after we parted ways and I took time to hibernate I found myself.  I found what is important to me.  I found my value.  I found my importance.  I found my opinions.  I found my voice.  I found my gift.  I will still shy away from certain things and I may not always say what I am thinking but I have grown extremely tired of allowing others to mold my thinking and actions.  They aren’t at fault for allowing those things to happen-I WAS!

I have finally taken ownership.  There are a lot of things I think about when it comes to the mystery man I speak of above and I admit some of the things may bring hints of anger or resentment but those are my emotions and if I choose to hold onto them then I am allowing outside factors to take away my happiness and my bliss.  I am allowing all things but myself control me.  If that doesn’t seem unnatural I don’t know what does.  We all have complete control of our happiness and our reactions to situations but we have grown so accustomed to blaming outside factors for all of the negatives instead of looking within.  I was speaking to a friend on the phone and I used this example (I know a lot of people will think it is harsh and will not agree with it but in my opinion it is 100% truth).  I said, “For example, if I was in a relationship with a man for a year and he beat the shit out of me (that did not happen-I am just giving an example) and after time it finally ended under some sort of circumstance, it is MY choice only how I deal with it.  I cannot blame him for my emotions.  If I am angry and depressed and enraged I am choosing to be that way.  No one has control over my emotions but me.  Situations can stir up the emotions but it is me and me only that has control over them.  So, with this being said I am going to choose to be happy as often as possible.  I am going to take notice of my emotions and tell myself that I have control over them.  If I choose to be angry or hold resentment then all that means is that I am allowing myself to be someone else’s puppet.  I am allowing them to have control over me even when they don’t know they even do.  I am just handing all power to them.  Now why would I give my power to someone else?  That just seems silly.”  This is a big statement to make but I really think that if you were to think about it and digest it, a lot of people would see the truth in that statement.  I think that is why nowadays I am so turned off by negative people.  I realize they are choosing to be negative and they also have a choice to better their situations and they are choosing not to.  Some people just don’t want to do the work.  Some people have gotten used to being a certain way and just refuse to change.  Change should not be scary…it is beautiful.  Falling and failure is inevitable but some people just aren’t willing to take chances because they are living in a constant state of fear.   I used to be one of those people.  I could make a million excuses why I wouldn’t do or say something.  That got really exhausting really fast.  Every choice I make in life is mine.  If I want to let my past control me and be unhappy then that is no one else’s fault but my own.  Someone else’s actions may have hurt my feelings but if I am going to hold onto those feelings I cannot blame anyone else but myself.  I refuse to be defined by my past.  My past has made me into a beautiful person but it has never and will never define me unless I let it.  I define who I am in this very moment.  The past is uncontrollable because it is the past and the future hasn’t happened yet so I have no control over that either.  Both of them are just an illusion.

In the past few months I have read a ton of books, watched a lot of documentaries, sought out various forms of inspirational expressions and I have found that the one thing that changed my life and made me realize the ultimate truth was the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.  I found myself in this book.  I revisit it regularly.  I recommend this book for everyone.  I ask for opinions and thoughts.  Debate it if you wish…I am always up for different viewpoints.  What I know though is that I have found my truth.  This book made me feel alive….not the book but what the book represented.  When you live in a state of constantly planning for the future and worrying about what is going to happen, you completely miss out on the now.  You miss out on the beauty that is surrounding you and the happiness you could be experiencing.  What benefit is there in that?

What I feel in this very moment is an overwhelming amount of happiness and appreciation for life.  I feel completely at peace with myself and my surroundings.  When I first started this blog I felt a tad anxious and I thought all of my old feelings about my ex would be re-hashed but I don’t feel that.  I feel at ease because I have FINALLY embraced myself.  I am seeing that I am not defined by others or by my appearance or outside factors.  I am something much deeper than that and I believe this inner peace will naturally draw and keep the right people in my life.  There is no more need to enable to try to fix others or mold them to be what I want them to be.  That is unnatural.  All I can do is state my thoughts and hope other people are able to experience and intense happiness throughout their lives because happiness should be something that everyone has.  The two most important things to have in life are happiness and love and if you don’t have these things it might be time to take a step back and figure out why…it is easy…you are choosing to be unhappy.  If you don’t want to be unhappy anymore then don’t.  Yes it really is that easy.   I feel like I want everyone to be able to experience what I am feeling because it seems to be what should be natural in life.  This may not make sense to everyone but I am introducing it just to give people something to think about.  These are the types of thoughts that I believe may be able to turn a person’s life around if they were to embrace them and see that their lives can be full of inspiration and happiness if they choose that.

My life is happening right here and right now.  I can’t make any choices for any other people…only for myself.  People have left me at various times in my life and it was hurtful at the time but I have moved on.  It was their choice not to see/experience the beauty I hold within myself.  I am done with blaming myself for others actions (guys not wanting to date me, people not wanting to be friends with me, people judging me for superficial reasons).  I know that I am beautiful because I am choosing to finally be in the here and now and I am choosing happiness in the here and now.  I choose to not allow any other options.  Silly as it may seem to some, I can look at others and say I am happy and I believe I will be from here on out because I finally figured it out…ALL THERE IS IS NOW!  Can you disagree?  Can you argue this with valid points?  Do you believe you could sway me to think differently?  Remember, we are not our thoughts.   If I haven’t explained this in enough detail then I challenge you to read the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle….you can buy it cheap on www.thriftbooks.com (I love love love that website-I have bought a ton of books for so cheap).  Do not get this twisted, I am not forcing anyone to think the way I do, I am just throwing out a challenge to check out something new.  I hope you accept this challenge.  :0)

Day 45 Question 45:

Can men and women be JUST friends?/Can men and women go back to being friends after dating/a relationship?

I just finished meditating.  I meditate twice a day for 20 minutes each.  I have made this part of my daily routine and have found the benefits of it to be amazing so far and I believe the more I practice the more benefits I will feel/see.  I am rambling about this because I should be focused on my Grad school work but whenever I come out of meditation I always feel creative and inspired.  The thoughts come rushing into my head.  There is something I must share that I found interesting this morning (yes, it is off the topic of the question but I am getting there I promise).  This morning I got on the scale and it showed that I had put on a couple of pounds.  Under normal circumstances in the past I would freak out.  I would obsess over it in my mind and I would start feeling completely down on myself.  After I stepped off the scale I shrugged my shoulders and said to myself, ‘Well you know what you have to do.  A little more time at the gym and focus more on healthier eating.”  I realized I am currently experiencing that fun time of the month (sorry to share boys) and at that time I always weigh heavier.  I accepted and moved forward.  I realized that the meditation I have been doing is easing me a great deal.  In a weird way, meditation is helping me to re-prioritize.  This blog I believe becomes truer and truer day by day because I am able to open up more due to the lessening of stress I feel.

Anyhooooo, there wasn’t a significant point to that rambling except for my wanting to share.  I believe feeling good can be infectious so I guess part of me wanted to put it out there.  As far as the above question goes…hmmmmm…..well it is an age old one that is for sure.  Can men and women be friends?  Can men and women go back to being friends after dating/being in a relationship?  Honestly, I really don’t know.  I think most people would say yes but I am unsure.

In regards to men and women being just friends I do think it is possible.  I also think though that a lot is dependent on the type of relationship the two people have.  If a male and female spend a lot of time together, doing various things (watching games, going to bars, going to the beach, etc) I do believe at some point there is a solid chance that one will become attracted to the other.  A part of me feels that we are built in a way that either draws us closer to someone of the opposite sex or pushes us further away (either because we aren’t attracted to them or because we are and we know it will never happen so we abandon the situation).  There are very few guys in my life that I would consider close friends that at some point I did not feel an attraction to at some point.  I have a male roommate and I do look at him as a close friend (and if he read this or his mom read it by chance I would probably want to crawl in a hole and die) but when we first met and became roommates I admit that the thought did ponder my mind about a romantic or intimate relationship.  I felt attracted to him but was unsure of what my feelings really were.  I pushed the thought out of my head and I still have remained friends with him (the thought of being with him in any physical or romantic way now is not even a possibility) but at that time I realized I needed to keep my life separate in certain ways from his.  I needed to focus more on me in order to not get all wrapped up in that kind of situations.  So, yes, we are friends but there are boundaries I make sure to never cross.   I guess what I am saying is that men and women can be friends but it usually goes along with more rules and regulations.

  I can’t believe I am going to admit this (thank goodness I do not use names) but at one time, probably a year and a half back, I had a male friend that I would go to happy hour with and just chill with from time to time.  It sounds kind of mean but he was kind of the guy I went to when nothing else was going on and I was itching to get out of the house.  This guy is nice but we would not be compatible in the least.  He is your stereotypical engineer nerd (yes he even says that about himself) and our personalities are soooooo extremely different.  I am bubbly and silly and loud and he is more analytical and “know it all”.  We are not a match even a little bit.  Our personalities worked together in certain situations.  One night my old roommate and I had a party and I admit that the alcohol was flowing.  In a mere moment I found myself attracted to him.  The thought of him being snuggled up to me in bed entered my mind.  The next day I was in complete denial that I ever felt that.  I kept telling myself that thought could not have possibly entered my mind.  I know to this day I would never want to be with him but for a minute (or maybe for more than a minute and a few drinks) I felt it.  I am telling you this because I believe at some point or another, if a man or a woman has a friend of the opposite sex there will come a time they will find themselves attracted to them.  I guess what matters the most is how that person reacts to that feeling.  I believe 100% at some point or another my roommate considered me in some way or another.  I am sure it was just a passing thought but I guarantee it was there.  The good thing about us is that there is not a chance we would act on it because we have seen each other so much and know each other so well now that any attraction or romantic/physical possibilities has ceased.  I feel like I keep contradicting my answer.  See why I said I don’t know.  :0)

What I do know (well what I believe, I can’t really say know) is that men and women being friends after dating/a relationship is very rare.  The chances of a long-term successful friendship after being involved is slim to none.  I believe that it is a form of regression if people try to be friends after being romantically involved.  Obviously, if two people have been romantically involved then there is attraction there.  Attraction doesn’t simply go away.  If it does go away then I believe that there is a good chance you don’t even want to be around that person anymore.  I think people need time to heal and explore themselves and potentially meet someone else when the time is right and maybe after enough time has passes then two people that have been romantically involved may be able to become friends again but I still have doubts about it.  The last guy that I dated and I tried it and it took very little time to realize it was not going to work.  He ended us being romantically involved because he had far too much on his plate too deal with (going through a divorce, blood disorder, getting his house back in order, etc.).  A little time passed and I asked him to dinner (our birthdays were only a week apart so I thought we could go out to celebrate).  I said ahead of time that I would like to be friends with him and keep him in my life but as I sat there with him it hit me hard that it could never happen.  It sounds pretty intense but it had to be all or nothing for me.  Friendship was not an option because I was too drawn to him romantically and physically and the idea of him being with another girl just tore me up.  There was no way I could accept that.  He said he believed he would seek me out after all was said and done with his divorce and who knows if that day will ever come but I realized that keeping him in my life right now was not going to be healthy for me…and most likely not for him either.  I knew deep down that I would be constantly hoping that things would take a turn and he would realize that I was truly what he wanted and he would forget everything else and just dive in.  I finally stopped dreaming and realized I could not live like that.  So, through my experiences, and in my opinion, I do not think it is healthy for two people to “try” and remain friends after a break up.  I am not implying they should be arch enemies by any means but I do think that people need their space and time away from each other to regain their independence and their individuality.  During those times is when you realize what is truly important to you and if a relationship ends like that then long-term was never meant to be.  I may be a die-hard romantic and a dreamer but I truly believe that when it is right it is right…there won’t be a whole bunch of breaking up and getting back together, there won’t be the question of whether to date other people, there won’t be an issue of timing.  When it is right, in my opinion, there are no questions and no doubts.  A friendship later could be possible but I think initially is not the right time.

What do you think?

Day 44 Question 44:

If you HAD to choose would you rather be deaf or blind?

I have been asked this question several times throughout my years.  I have even posed it to others several times.  It is a tough question but my answer never changes.  If I absolutely HAD to choose there would be no contest, I would choose to be deaf over being blind.  I have an insane love of music and I do love the sounds that surround me day in and day out but nothing compares to my vision.  Being able to see allows me the ability to create.

There is always the question of whether one were born blind or deaf or whether is occurred later in life.  I would much rather be born one way or the other than have it occur at a later time.  I say this because if you are born without sight or without hearing that would be what you always know.  It could be something you could work with from the very beginning.  I feel that if one or both of those things were taken from you that it would be jarring and an extreme adjustment, especially going blind.

The reason I chose this topic was because I started reading a book called “If I Loved You, I Would Tell You This.”  It is a book of short stories obviously based on different forms of love.  The first story I read was that of a young girl (17 years old) that was going off to college and was going to get a guide dog.  Her father had been her eyes all her life for her and she was finally going to have someone (something) else taking over the role.  This young girl lost her sight at the age of 7.  She had been playing in a garage with another young boy and he was telling her to shake an aerosol can as hard as she could.  She did this and in the midst of one of the shakes the can exploded directly in her face.  She was in surgery for several hours and hospitalized for several days.  Doctors knew that she would never regain sight.  I immediately started to think about what it could possibly be like to go from seeing all that surrounds you, seeing colors, shapes, forms, facial expressions, etc to living a life of complete blackness.  Knowing myself I believe I would go in a state of panic, a state of anxiety.  I am sure in time I would adjustment but I believe I would be saddened to have my sight taken from me and not be able to experience the true beauty of the world except through descriptions people give me.  It could be interesting and intriguing to visualize in your own head what you want the world to look like but you would never know if you were even close.

I would absolutely hate losing my hearing but between the two senses I would rather have this taken away.  My creativity is a direct product of my visual stimulation.  I don’t need to hear words or sounds in order to be inspired (sometimes I am through those things but moreso through my vision).  A person that has never had hearing or has lost their hearing still can communicate in a very almost natural way.  There are adjustments but I do not believe they are quite as large as those that someone who is or were to go blind would have to make.  We live in a society very technology friendly and deaf people have so many ways to communicate now.  I do realize that blind people also have many options as well, I just cannot help to think how much harder they would have to work to adjust to life.  When you cannot see you are unable to know the lay of the land.  Every new room that you walk into must be navigated and described by another person and even at that there is still a chance of running into things or getting hurt.  I am only speaking from what I can imagine (I could be totally wrong and I am sure it is completely a matter of opinion) that it could be very emotionally draining…especially if you were to lose sight after having it for a period of time.  I would be curious to read stories about people who have gone blind after having been able to see.  I would love to know how they dealt with this radical change in their lives.  To me, because I know I can be an extremely nervous and anxious person, I believe my first reaction would be to have a full blow breakdown.  I admire people though…as random as that sounds.  I have encountered people in my life that have lost their sight and seem happier than most people.  I admire people for choosing to thrive instead of allowing something to completely control them.  This is off the beaten path but there is a girl that goes to my gym (I believe she has muscular dystrophy) and she is wheelchair bound.  This girl rocks it out at the gym 4-5 days a week and everytime I see her she is dressed in a super cute gym outfit and her hair is always pulled back in a fun ponytail.  She will accept help if someone were to offer to hold the door for her but her mobility to me is absolutely amazing.  Her mother picks her up and they chit chat while moving her out of her wheelchair into the front seat.  They both just act like two “normal” human beings.  I have never seen the mother treat her like a disabled person or act as if she is at all burdened by her.  It is truly inspiring and heart-warming.

When you start pondering questions like this you start to have an appreciation for all of your senses (if you have all of them) and you start to realize how lucky you are to be able to smell freshly cut grass or a fresh pot of coffee brewing or see the smile on a child’s face or the glow of the moon on a clear night or the sound of your favorite song on the radio as you cruise down the highway.  These are just a small list.

My uncle has a form of glaucoma.  I do not know all of the details.  Over time his vision has deteriorated.  All he can see now is outlines and shadows.  In the next year of two he will most likely be completely blind.  He is unable to drive and he had to sell his boat.  He has a camp on the St. Lawrence river and although he still loves going there he is unable to see the sights of nature that surround him.  I have not seen my uncle in a few years due to the distance (miles) between us but according to my father he is taking it well.  I think a lot of it is due to his age and awareness that our bodies due tend to function less and less as time passes.  I feel sadness though for him because he is slowly having to give up a lot of things that became a part of who he was.  He will no longer be able to read the morning newspaper (a daily routine that he started when he was young), he will no longer be able to watch Syracuse University basketball games (he will be able to hear them but is that the same as seeing the movement of the player and the excitement of the crowd), he will no longer be able to drive his boat down the river for miles upon miles waving at oncoming boats and checking out all of the other camps along the way.  Eventually he will no longer be able to see the face of the woman he married and has loved since they were teenagers.  I love his acceptance and his “life must go on” attitude but it is sad to think about.  He will at least be able to have the vision of her in his mind.  He is lucky to have lived this many years in pretty good health and has children and a nice home and stories upon stories so in the end it probably isn’t that bad.  I guess I just keep thinking about the change…the difference in life by being continually in the dark after majority of the time being surrounded by light.

I am curious to know which you would choose and why?  Does the way I feel make sense?  I didn’t think I would have much to say on the subject until I started imagining it all and as usual I went on and on.

Links to Inspirational Story of  Lost Sight:

http://www.visionaware.org/my_story_jeremiah_taylor

Day 43 Question 43:

What is normal?

First and foremost I recommend to EVERYONE to watch the documentary I have attached at the top.  I was given this link by a fellow blogger and I loved every single minute of it.  This documentary represents what life should be.  It has a magic and a beauty to it and it gives you hope for humankind and human goodness.

I chose this question today because I believe it goes hand in hand with the documentary.  Normal is another one of those words that in my opinion is undefinable.  Normal doesn’t exist because I believe that if it did the idea of being unique would not be able to exist.  We are all unique souls in that no one will ever experience our every feeling, emotion, thought, action, etc.

This film/documentary shows the story of a man that was placed in a mental institution in 1920 and he lived there for 44 years.  His family abandoned him and he was labeled as being mentally retarded.  While watching the documentary you realize quickly that this man does have special needs.  You know that he does not function mentally like several people in society.  The beautiful part of this man though was the spirit he had.  All documentation of him represented wonder and curiosity and a love for life that is admirable and makes me envious.  I love life immensely but I truly believe I can’t even touch the way this man loved life.  Society would label me as normal and him as abnormal.  I started thinking about this and it seemed so silly and almost contrary to me.  Most people live their daily lives coping with stress, heartache, pain, etc. and it makes them depressed, sad and angry.  They go through the daily grind and question what is even important.  A lot of people get so caught up in the stress that they are unable to see the beauty and the opportunities around them.  This man was born with a “mental defect” but very obviously loved deep from his heart and saw the world in a way that he felt absolutely blessed to be alive every single day.  He did not enjoy being in the institution but instead of harping on it or carrying anger within himself, he just said he would rather focus on now.

Normal is this concept I believe that we have come up with that equates to being successful.  Success can be driven by money, marriage, material items, having children.  Success is a concept that usually is in sync with what we consider normal.  If you follow a certain path you are most likely to achieve success (college degree, obtaining a good job, getting married and having children)…success can mean many things to people and I think we have paired success and normalcy.  We (I use we in a general manner) find people abnormal if they test the rules of society.  A person covered in tattoos is ridiculed by many because they are different and because they are “artsy and weird”.  A person is not considered normal if they do things that a lot of people don’t do or don’t understand.  I admit to using the phrase, “That is just not normal.”  I believe I use it more out of habit and because of my own personal definitions but in truth normalcy is an impossible concept.  Normalcy goes along with being molded to what the majority wants us to be.  I have a very hard time with this.

One very interesting and enlightening experience I got from this documentary was a little bit of a different look at religion.  This man continually praised the lord and always spoke so highly of the lord.  He was actually Jewish and in his 60’s the was given a Bar Mitzvah.  His look at religion gave me a glimmer of hope that there might be a higher power (God) that is a true savior (trust me watch this documentary).  So, this man that is labeled as “mentally retarded” has shown me a different side of religion and has depicted the true meaning of love and kindness and humanity as a whole (at least what it should be) and he is not considered normal.  He is considered different and to some strange.  It doesn’t seem to make sense to me…but then again there are a lot of things that don’t make sense to me.

Being considered normal is just something that people need to put them at ease.  There is not one thing wrong with being different.  I would tell anyone to do what they can to stand out from the crowd (obviously without hurting themselves or others).  I guess if I were to define normal it would be being true to who you are.  It would be to love those around you and always trying as hard as you can to continually better yourself and to help those around you to feel good in your presence.  Being normal is having faults and flaws and accepting these things because EVERYONE has them.  Being normal is being as abnormal as possible.  :0)

I normally would never beg people to do anything but I do ask of you with nothing but good intentions to please watch the attached documentary.  I know life is very busy but if you can find the time I promise it will be worth it.  I believe it is something that should be viewed by young and old alike because it truly will give you the warmest feeling in your heart.  I even made this entry a little shorter to save you some time to watch it. ;0)

Day 42 Question 42:

Do you believe the government/media covers up/hides a lot from the American people?  What is your opinion on this?

There are so many people in this world that I have never met that I want to hug.  I want to befriend them.  I want to hear their stories.  I say this because I have become a documentary nut.  I tend to lean toward societal documentaries.  I just finished a documentary called Equality U that focused on a group of young people (LGBT) that visited different Christian based college campuses to spread their message and ask to be treated as equals.  I am currently watching 9/11; The Falling Man.  A lot of people don’t understand how I can watch such things but I feel that I need to in order to get a better perspective on life.  These documentaries allow me to appreciate my life in a much bigger way and drive me to want to meet other people and allow them to feel a comfort with me.  I want to lend my ear to people.

In response to my question, I absolutely think  many truths are covered up or hidden.  I know there are certain circumstances in which events or occurrences are covered up in order to protect us as people but my question is where is the line?  In the documentary 9/11: The Falling Man, a picture of a man falling to his death from a high floor of the Twin Towers was published in a New Jersey newspaper.  Immediately there was controversy.  Yes it is extremely hard to look at but it is reality.  On the news they showed dead bodies in the streets after Hurricane Katrina blasted through Louisiana.  I have seen documentaries of people that have climbed Mt. Everest and have reached a point where they were unable to continue up or down.  They were stuck and their deaths were inevitable.  These people were on film.  What are the boundaries is my question?

By no means am I a news or government junkie.  I admit to actually being somewhat ignorant about some happenings in the world.  I know some would say that I have no right to voice my opinion then but I would have to disagree because no matter what I am still a person.  I admit to not knowing everything and everything I state is purely opinion based on what I know.  I would love for others to share their viewpoints with me and enlighten me…hopefully they will do it with respect and tact but if not oh well.

I know a lot of people would label me as one of those “peace loving hippies” and maybe in a sense I am.  I love the country I was born and raised in and I do believe that we do need rules and regulations in certain forms in order to prevent complete chaos.  I admit though that my gut tells me that there is so much going on in the government that the American people have no idea about.  When Osama Bin Laden was killed there was a lot I questioned.  This was a very evil man that was responsible for so many innocent people’s deaths.  After the raid and his shooting there was great controversy over whether or not to publicize the pictures of him deceased.  After government talks, it was decided that the pictures would not be shown to the public.  I won’t lie, a part of me wondered if he was even killed.  I wondered if the government captured him and had him hidden somewhere and could be potentially torturing him.  Deep down I do believe he was killed but I don’t understand why pictures were never shown to the people of this country.  This was a man that was behind the plot of the 9/11 tragedy.  This was the man that was responsible (along with several other extremists) for taking the lives of thousands of innocent individuals.  Media has shown images of students that were slain in campus murders but they refuse to show pictures of the dead body of a man that felt no remorse in killing people???  I know that there was fear of terrorist attacks if this were to happen but I guess I just wonder how much the government really does know.  This is why I believe that freedom isn’t really free.  I am actually unsure of what freedom really is anymore.

 I don’t believe I live shackled in this world.  I do believe I have rights in certain forms and I do enjoy life for the most part but I also admit that I believe a lot of decisions are made for me and this I do have trouble swallowing.  I didn’t really get a taste of politics/government until I started working in nonprofit and worked alongside the school district.  At that time I was full of ideas and I wanted to do so many things that I believe could make an impact but I was constantly bombarded and told NO.  I was unable to speak about contraception…the state and the school district would not allow it…meanwhile that year (2008) 171 teenage girls were pregnant (42 under the age of 17).  This county was not that big.  Moving from the north to the south was also a huge transition.  No I am not going to be one of those people that says, “well, we didn’t do it that way in the south” because I chose to live here and I believe in respecting the people I am surrounded with whether they be northerners or southerners.  I will never say the “northern” way is the correct way but I will not say the “southern” way is either.  I believe there is opportunity for both to join forces but we have far too many stubborn people that cannot and will not accept change.

One thing I could not and still do not understand though is prayer in school.  Up north this is something you never see.  It is believed that prayer and religion is a personal choice and this should not be something forced upon anyone.  Bringing it into the schools would be inappropriate.  Down here (at least in SC-I am not sure of other states) I have sat in School Board meetings where they say a prayer before beginning the meeting.  I have witnessed prayer in classrooms and I have witnessed discussions between non-profit directors and students about homosexuality being a sin and if someone if gay that means there is something “wrong” with them.  It seriously blew my mind and I didn’t understand how it was happening.  Again, I am ignorant and I guess government rules and regulations vary from state to state but in my opinion religion is something that should never be imposed on someone.  Religion is a personal and family matter and decisions should be made privately.  A lot of other issues are decided for the whole as well though that I do not agree with…I completely support gay marriage but I know in my lifetime the laws will not be passed in every state to make it legal.  This is because we have people in our government that are unable to separate their personal viewpoints from others.  There is a huge divide between church and state and personally I do not like that the church has as much control as it does.  So many wars have been caused by religious divide.  Maybe I am being hypocritical by saying that religion should be personal and private but if we are so aware of the chaos and the destruction that it can cause why would we (actually I should say the government) allow it to be any basis for public decisions.  The public does not get to decide…the government does.  In a way the government owns us.  If we do not allow 2 people that are in love no matter what their sexual orientation is then we are taking away people’s freedom.  We are insulting the sanctity of marriage.  Everyone says marriage it to be between a man and a woman but in truth marriage is about the LOVE that two people share.  People tend to forget about the LOVE part of it all.  When planning a wedding people tend to get so wrapped up with the plans that they forget that it isn’t about the flowers and the dress and the cake but instead it is about the marriage and about spending the rest of your life with the person you love more than anything in this world.

With my words my goal is not to insult anyone or throw my opinions down anyone’s throat.  I am not trying to twist anyone’s arm to believe the way that I do.  I write this because I admit that there is so much I don’t know and I don’t understand.  Being an adult now I have re-prioritized and I have really learned who I am and what is important to me.  I don’t like the idea of being controlled in some form or another.  I lean toward Buddhist philosophies and I practice mediation because I believe these things keep me at ease and make me embrace my happiness.  I am able to alleviate my stresses and feel a lot more at peace.  I do wish more people would try these techniques but I understand it is not for everyone.  We live in a stressful world and I do not have all of the answers as to how to make it better.  I talk about the things that I do because they are important to me.  As you will notice I bring up the topic of homosexuality and gay marriage a lot.  I, myself, am straight but I support gay marriage through and through.  I have gay friends and no matter what I believe love is love no matter what the sexual orientation of the person is.  I ache on the inside thinking about the struggles that gay people have to go through in their lives.  First off they must listen to ridicule of how it is a “sin” and how they are going to hell and then the government gets to decide if they are able to be married or not.  I feel like these people are treated as if they are specimens not actual people with a heartbeat and feelings.  They are looked upon as if they are a different class of people.  Every part of me thinks that is wrong because I do believe people are born gay.  Studies have even shown that brain structure has been found to be different in many gay test subjects.  It breaks my heart that some gay people cannot live their lives openly because they fear the consequences.  It seems so very unfair and a lot of the segregation and the judgment comes from political figures and church pastors/preachers.  I used to look at the church as a place that should be a complete safe haven but I no longer see it that way.

I have gone all over the map as usual and I do not want to rant too much.  I admit to being a little nervous about the responses that I may receive to this entry.  I may be called ignorant or uneducated and I will not be offended because I admitted that in some areas I am.  I am only stating my opinions because I see all kinds of potential for humanity to better itself by practicing love and compassion as opposed to hatred and judgment but unfortunately this idea seems to be fading away more and more everyday.  I don’t want to live in a state or fear but I admit to having them and I admit that these fears are what make me skeptical about bringing children into the world.  I would hate to think of my children surrounded by a world with so much hatred, anger and pain.  I know there is goodness and I know I would show them happiness and compassion and teach them all kinds of positive things but that does not mean that the bad does not exist.  We are only able to protect others for so long.  As stated in my last blog, I believe love is a much stronger emotion than hate.  A reader stated that hate can be controlled but love cannot therefore it is absolutely the stronger emotion.  I wish more people believed and lived this way.

Day 41 Question 41:

What is the most important thing you have ever learned? /Where have you learned your greatest Lessons?

I debated which question to answer today.  I had several in mind that I felt like I could touch on.  I thought about answering the question: Is freedom really free?  I then realized that I could answer that question by answering this question.  I have spent the last week learning and practicing Transcendental Meditation.  I had read many reviews on this technique and I became more eager to do it.  I admit though that I was skeptical  I was worried that I would not be able to do it because my mind is constantly going and going and going.  In the 5 days I have been practicing (20 minutes twice a day) I have felt more calm and at ease than I have felt in probably all of my life.  I feel like things are more clear and I am more in tune with myself.  I tell you this because in writing these blog entries the words seem to be coming much easier.

The most important thing I have learned is to love myself unconditionally.  To accept and believe in myself.  This is a lesson that I have not always been able to hold onto.  I have spent several years of my life in stages of self-loathing because I wasn’t skinny enough or didn’t feel pretty enough but I am finally realizing, learning and fully accepting that those are not the important things that make up life.  Love is what makes up life.  There was another question I debated answering that was: Which emotion is stronger: love or hate?  For a while I debated and thought the answer was hard but in truth it is not at all.  Love is a much stronger emotion because it is a real emotion.  Love is what each and every human being has inside of them.  Yes, some people may be hiding behind anger or hatred but the love is and always will be there.  Hatred is a mask that can be removed at any time.  It does not need to be a permanent emotion because it serves no purpose.  Love serves every purpose.

Sometimes I cannot pinpoint where I learned things.  I may have learned certain morals and values from my parents.  I may have learned about certain concepts from TV.  My teachers throughout the years have expanded my mind in different ways.  I have learned everything from outside of me.  I give everyone and everything credit for this.  I do feel like a unique soul.  I do feel like my own individual that is unlike everyone else.  There are times when I feel like I couldn’t be more different than my parents or those that surround me.  I love that.  I used to worry about that and always search for why I think differently and finally I stopped searching and started embracing.  I am love in every way.  I wish everyone could experience the love that I feel (most of the time-hahaha).  To go from the extreme of self-hatred to self-loving has been such an amazing journey.  I don’t know when it happened but I started to let go of the worry and started to let go of the self-doubt and I started realizing that I was missing out on life.

Several years ago (I believe it was 2003) I dated a guy for about a year.  This story is not going to make me look good.  When I first met this guy he was dating another girl (they had been together for 13 years). We all worked together and her and I became friends immediately.  We would go to happy hour and go to the haunted mansion together.  We did have a lot of fun.  Her and him eventually ended their relationship.  I always found him attractive and in no time I pounced.  My actions were completely selfish and it took me a long time to realize how desperate I acted and how I lacked any sort of self-esteem.  This girl friend of mine found out about us dating and she lost it, understandably so.  Our friendship ended immediately.  I dated this guy for about a year before he ended up moving back to Ohio where he was originally from.  I had then lost 2 people in my life but what took me quite some time to realize was that only one of them really mattered and that was my girl friend that I treated with the utmost disrespect all because I was desperate to have a boyfriend.  Him and I were not even right or good for each other.  I didn’t realize then how shitty my actions were.  I followed the same path of desperation for longer than I would like to admit and finally one day I had enough with all of it.  I was done hating myself and done with all of my stupid actions.  I have embraced a whole new lifestyle now and my priorities are FINALLY straight.  I don’t know exactly when the moment of clarity came but I finally knew that there was no one else to blame but myself and I was the only person that could make the changes in order to become the person I wanted and knew I could be.  What girl wants to be known as the boyfriend stealer? Or the girl that will have a one night stand?  It is embarrassing to think about but in the same it has taught me so much about life and I believe I needed these things to finally have the big kick in the ass that I needed.  This girl that I have been talking about recently contacted me over Facebook asking if we could meet up.  I admit when I first got the email I because super nervous but I also knew that this was my opportunity to apologize.  I knew she may not accept it but I knew that it was the right thing to do.  I told her that my actions were absolutely awful and that she did not deserve the way I treated her.  I told her how I have progressed and have realized that I had to change in order to be happy in life.  I am happier now because I don’t live that kind of life anymore.  That life always left me empty and feeling so un-loved.  It took me going outside of my comfort zone and challenging myself to live a different way to realize that if I didn’t change my path would only become more and more destructive.  This girl and I have been trying to meet up to talk but unfortunately both of our schedules have been nothing but madness for the past few weeks.  I know she has a lot she feels and she still holds a lot of emotion inside of her and wants to know why.  I will meet her and tell her again I am sorry and I have even expressed this to her over text.  She has been kind enough to accept my apology and stated that is all she has ever wanted.  I told her that I do hope we are able to possibly rekindle a friendship but whatever the outcome may be I do hope she does and always will have happiness in her life.

I have learned so many great lessons in life: The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return, treat people with respect, be compassionate, don’t judge a book by it’s cover, don’t give up even when you think something is impossible, love yourself, forgive yourself, own up to your mistakes, fight for what you believe in, be who you are even if other people don’t like it.  I could go on and on.  These are all of the essentials in life.  They may sound cliché but each one holds great truth.  Once you are able to understand and follow these lessons you are able to see life in a different light.  You are able to re-prioritize your life and realize that a significant other can be a great bonus in your life but they do not define you, there is a world of undiscovered beauty waiting for you, the truth really can and will set you free, people have a greater respect for you when you are honest and kind, and when you give love it comes back to you ten-fold.

It has taken me a long time to get here but I am here.  I want to share everything I feel with the world (or at least anyone willing to listen) because inside all of us is this love and this passion.  Even if we may not state it to another person because we are embarrassed or worried of being ridiculed, it is there.  I write so people can read and share with others or so they can spend time alone reflecting on the goodness they have within themselves…so they can escape if even for a moment from the madness that overcomes their lives day in and day out.  I write so people can hopefully believe that they are something and they do have a chance in this life.  I feel love in abundance now and I want to spread that in hopes that others can have this same experience or one very similar. “Some people say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one…”