Day 47 Question 47:
What is something that changed your life?
I got a text from a girl friend today (she works at a store in the mall) and she told me the last guy that I dated came in and asked about me. In a moment I felt overwhelmed. I still think about this person but I believe I had finally let go because I had to. An array of emotions swarmed my body all at once. She stated that he asked in a manner in which he was concerned about me which I thought was odd but I was not going to read into it. I decided to send him a text and tell him I was well and it didn’t take me long to realize that I really am. I FINALLY feel like I am at peace with myself. I still overanalyze some things and I am not always sure of what I am feeling or how I am feeling but I am in a place where I have felt acceptance with how I am. I am now at a place where I seem to be able to let things go fairly quickly. Things don’t seem to sit with me for long. I do think it has a lot to do with my new meditation techniques. It is like drawing a line in the sand and having the water flow over it and wash it away. It was there in a moment and gone in the next. I have finally learned and now truly believe that I will never be able to enjoy the NOW if I hang onto the past.
I am in love now. I am not in love with someone. I am in love with my life. The guy I spoke of above was HUGE inspiration in my life. He made me come to a lot of realizations about myself, my life, my thoughts, and my feelings. He was the person in my life that pushed me harder and farther than anyone else ever had…well besides myself that is. I am always the only one that will challenge myself just that much more than anyone else will. This man from above though, although there are times I miss him and I have urges to tell him things (he always felt like the missing piece of the puzzle—the one that understood me-I still have the urge to tell him things in moments of excitement because at the time it was easy to babble to him), made me realize that I am in complete control of myself. When we parted ways I was confused and lost. I couldn’t feel more opposite of that than I do right now. I see who I was and I see who I am and I realize that the only truth that there is in the world is that all we have is NOW!!! I allowed my past to control my present for my entire life and after we parted ways and I took time to hibernate I found myself. I found what is important to me. I found my value. I found my importance. I found my opinions. I found my voice. I found my gift. I will still shy away from certain things and I may not always say what I am thinking but I have grown extremely tired of allowing others to mold my thinking and actions. They aren’t at fault for allowing those things to happen-I WAS!
I have finally taken ownership. There are a lot of things I think about when it comes to the mystery man I speak of above and I admit some of the things may bring hints of anger or resentment but those are my emotions and if I choose to hold onto them then I am allowing outside factors to take away my happiness and my bliss. I am allowing all things but myself control me. If that doesn’t seem unnatural I don’t know what does. We all have complete control of our happiness and our reactions to situations but we have grown so accustomed to blaming outside factors for all of the negatives instead of looking within. I was speaking to a friend on the phone and I used this example (I know a lot of people will think it is harsh and will not agree with it but in my opinion it is 100% truth). I said, “For example, if I was in a relationship with a man for a year and he beat the shit out of me (that did not happen-I am just giving an example) and after time it finally ended under some sort of circumstance, it is MY choice only how I deal with it. I cannot blame him for my emotions. If I am angry and depressed and enraged I am choosing to be that way. No one has control over my emotions but me. Situations can stir up the emotions but it is me and me only that has control over them. So, with this being said I am going to choose to be happy as often as possible. I am going to take notice of my emotions and tell myself that I have control over them. If I choose to be angry or hold resentment then all that means is that I am allowing myself to be someone else’s puppet. I am allowing them to have control over me even when they don’t know they even do. I am just handing all power to them. Now why would I give my power to someone else? That just seems silly.” This is a big statement to make but I really think that if you were to think about it and digest it, a lot of people would see the truth in that statement. I think that is why nowadays I am so turned off by negative people. I realize they are choosing to be negative and they also have a choice to better their situations and they are choosing not to. Some people just don’t want to do the work. Some people have gotten used to being a certain way and just refuse to change. Change should not be scary…it is beautiful. Falling and failure is inevitable but some people just aren’t willing to take chances because they are living in a constant state of fear. I used to be one of those people. I could make a million excuses why I wouldn’t do or say something. That got really exhausting really fast. Every choice I make in life is mine. If I want to let my past control me and be unhappy then that is no one else’s fault but my own. Someone else’s actions may have hurt my feelings but if I am going to hold onto those feelings I cannot blame anyone else but myself. I refuse to be defined by my past. My past has made me into a beautiful person but it has never and will never define me unless I let it. I define who I am in this very moment. The past is uncontrollable because it is the past and the future hasn’t happened yet so I have no control over that either. Both of them are just an illusion.
In the past few months I have read a ton of books, watched a lot of documentaries, sought out various forms of inspirational expressions and I have found that the one thing that changed my life and made me realize the ultimate truth was the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I found myself in this book. I revisit it regularly. I recommend this book for everyone. I ask for opinions and thoughts. Debate it if you wish…I am always up for different viewpoints. What I know though is that I have found my truth. This book made me feel alive….not the book but what the book represented. When you live in a state of constantly planning for the future and worrying about what is going to happen, you completely miss out on the now. You miss out on the beauty that is surrounding you and the happiness you could be experiencing. What benefit is there in that?
What I feel in this very moment is an overwhelming amount of happiness and appreciation for life. I feel completely at peace with myself and my surroundings. When I first started this blog I felt a tad anxious and I thought all of my old feelings about my ex would be re-hashed but I don’t feel that. I feel at ease because I have FINALLY embraced myself. I am seeing that I am not defined by others or by my appearance or outside factors. I am something much deeper than that and I believe this inner peace will naturally draw and keep the right people in my life. There is no more need to enable to try to fix others or mold them to be what I want them to be. That is unnatural. All I can do is state my thoughts and hope other people are able to experience and intense happiness throughout their lives because happiness should be something that everyone has. The two most important things to have in life are happiness and love and if you don’t have these things it might be time to take a step back and figure out why…it is easy…you are choosing to be unhappy. If you don’t want to be unhappy anymore then don’t. Yes it really is that easy. I feel like I want everyone to be able to experience what I am feeling because it seems to be what should be natural in life. This may not make sense to everyone but I am introducing it just to give people something to think about. These are the types of thoughts that I believe may be able to turn a person’s life around if they were to embrace them and see that their lives can be full of inspiration and happiness if they choose that.
My life is happening right here and right now. I can’t make any choices for any other people…only for myself. People have left me at various times in my life and it was hurtful at the time but I have moved on. It was their choice not to see/experience the beauty I hold within myself. I am done with blaming myself for others actions (guys not wanting to date me, people not wanting to be friends with me, people judging me for superficial reasons). I know that I am beautiful because I am choosing to finally be in the here and now and I am choosing happiness in the here and now. I choose to not allow any other options. Silly as it may seem to some, I can look at others and say I am happy and I believe I will be from here on out because I finally figured it out…ALL THERE IS IS NOW! Can you disagree? Can you argue this with valid points? Do you believe you could sway me to think differently? Remember, we are not our thoughts. If I haven’t explained this in enough detail then I challenge you to read the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle….you can buy it cheap on www.thriftbooks.com (I love love love that website-I have bought a ton of books for so cheap). Do not get this twisted, I am not forcing anyone to think the way I do, I am just throwing out a challenge to check out something new. I hope you accept this challenge. :0)