Day 41 Question 41:
What is the most important thing you have ever learned? /Where have you learned your greatest Lessons?
I debated which question to answer today. I had several in mind that I felt like I could touch on. I thought about answering the question: Is freedom really free? I then realized that I could answer that question by answering this question. I have spent the last week learning and practicing Transcendental Meditation. I had read many reviews on this technique and I became more eager to do it. I admit though that I was skeptical I was worried that I would not be able to do it because my mind is constantly going and going and going. In the 5 days I have been practicing (20 minutes twice a day) I have felt more calm and at ease than I have felt in probably all of my life. I feel like things are more clear and I am more in tune with myself. I tell you this because in writing these blog entries the words seem to be coming much easier.
The most important thing I have learned is to love myself unconditionally. To accept and believe in myself. This is a lesson that I have not always been able to hold onto. I have spent several years of my life in stages of self-loathing because I wasn’t skinny enough or didn’t feel pretty enough but I am finally realizing, learning and fully accepting that those are not the important things that make up life. Love is what makes up life. There was another question I debated answering that was: Which emotion is stronger: love or hate? For a while I debated and thought the answer was hard but in truth it is not at all. Love is a much stronger emotion because it is a real emotion. Love is what each and every human being has inside of them. Yes, some people may be hiding behind anger or hatred but the love is and always will be there. Hatred is a mask that can be removed at any time. It does not need to be a permanent emotion because it serves no purpose. Love serves every purpose.
Sometimes I cannot pinpoint where I learned things. I may have learned certain morals and values from my parents. I may have learned about certain concepts from TV. My teachers throughout the years have expanded my mind in different ways. I have learned everything from outside of me. I give everyone and everything credit for this. I do feel like a unique soul. I do feel like my own individual that is unlike everyone else. There are times when I feel like I couldn’t be more different than my parents or those that surround me. I love that. I used to worry about that and always search for why I think differently and finally I stopped searching and started embracing. I am love in every way. I wish everyone could experience the love that I feel (most of the time-hahaha). To go from the extreme of self-hatred to self-loving has been such an amazing journey. I don’t know when it happened but I started to let go of the worry and started to let go of the self-doubt and I started realizing that I was missing out on life.
Several years ago (I believe it was 2003) I dated a guy for about a year. This story is not going to make me look good. When I first met this guy he was dating another girl (they had been together for 13 years). We all worked together and her and I became friends immediately. We would go to happy hour and go to the haunted mansion together. We did have a lot of fun. Her and him eventually ended their relationship. I always found him attractive and in no time I pounced. My actions were completely selfish and it took me a long time to realize how desperate I acted and how I lacked any sort of self-esteem. This girl friend of mine found out about us dating and she lost it, understandably so. Our friendship ended immediately. I dated this guy for about a year before he ended up moving back to Ohio where he was originally from. I had then lost 2 people in my life but what took me quite some time to realize was that only one of them really mattered and that was my girl friend that I treated with the utmost disrespect all because I was desperate to have a boyfriend. Him and I were not even right or good for each other. I didn’t realize then how shitty my actions were. I followed the same path of desperation for longer than I would like to admit and finally one day I had enough with all of it. I was done hating myself and done with all of my stupid actions. I have embraced a whole new lifestyle now and my priorities are FINALLY straight. I don’t know exactly when the moment of clarity came but I finally knew that there was no one else to blame but myself and I was the only person that could make the changes in order to become the person I wanted and knew I could be. What girl wants to be known as the boyfriend stealer? Or the girl that will have a one night stand? It is embarrassing to think about but in the same it has taught me so much about life and I believe I needed these things to finally have the big kick in the ass that I needed. This girl that I have been talking about recently contacted me over Facebook asking if we could meet up. I admit when I first got the email I because super nervous but I also knew that this was my opportunity to apologize. I knew she may not accept it but I knew that it was the right thing to do. I told her that my actions were absolutely awful and that she did not deserve the way I treated her. I told her how I have progressed and have realized that I had to change in order to be happy in life. I am happier now because I don’t live that kind of life anymore. That life always left me empty and feeling so un-loved. It took me going outside of my comfort zone and challenging myself to live a different way to realize that if I didn’t change my path would only become more and more destructive. This girl and I have been trying to meet up to talk but unfortunately both of our schedules have been nothing but madness for the past few weeks. I know she has a lot she feels and she still holds a lot of emotion inside of her and wants to know why. I will meet her and tell her again I am sorry and I have even expressed this to her over text. She has been kind enough to accept my apology and stated that is all she has ever wanted. I told her that I do hope we are able to possibly rekindle a friendship but whatever the outcome may be I do hope she does and always will have happiness in her life.
I have learned so many great lessons in life: The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return, treat people with respect, be compassionate, don’t judge a book by it’s cover, don’t give up even when you think something is impossible, love yourself, forgive yourself, own up to your mistakes, fight for what you believe in, be who you are even if other people don’t like it. I could go on and on. These are all of the essentials in life. They may sound cliché but each one holds great truth. Once you are able to understand and follow these lessons you are able to see life in a different light. You are able to re-prioritize your life and realize that a significant other can be a great bonus in your life but they do not define you, there is a world of undiscovered beauty waiting for you, the truth really can and will set you free, people have a greater respect for you when you are honest and kind, and when you give love it comes back to you ten-fold.
It has taken me a long time to get here but I am here. I want to share everything I feel with the world (or at least anyone willing to listen) because inside all of us is this love and this passion. Even if we may not state it to another person because we are embarrassed or worried of being ridiculed, it is there. I write so people can read and share with others or so they can spend time alone reflecting on the goodness they have within themselves…so they can escape if even for a moment from the madness that overcomes their lives day in and day out. I write so people can hopefully believe that they are something and they do have a chance in this life. I feel love in abundance now and I want to spread that in hopes that others can have this same experience or one very similar. “Some people say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one…”