Day 49 Question 49:
Who are you?
Life is full of these twists and turns. Life is a story that makes absolutely no sense but follows this path that makes us all feel secure enough to go on another day. I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I have been reaching out to feel as many different things as I can through as many different outlets as I can. I am not looking for an answer. There is no answer. Life is about what we feel. We don’t always understand why we feel the way that we do and sometimes we hate the way that we are feeling but there are times when we feel this complete sense of euphoria. We have those small moments when everything seems to make complete and absolute sense.
I sit here and I stroke the keys in front of me to feel the sensation on my fingertips. I watch the rain outside of my window and want to stick my arm out and watch the droplets of water disappear from my skin. I want to feel its mixture of warmth and cold. It might seem strange but sometimes when I read things or when I see things I fall into a different world.
There seems to be this order to life that so many people follow. We live a childhood and go to school, we go to college or get a job, we find “the one”, we get married, we have babies, we live happily ever after. I see bits and pieces of this picture. I have never been able to see any of these things clearly without feeling suffocated. I cannot equate love with settling down. I equate love to this amazing sense of desire. I picture so many scenarios in my head of what I truly believe love is. I think this scenario is my head is what makes me believe that most people that say they are in love really aren’t. This scenario is what makes me believe that most people are settling because they are afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being alone but I do not want to settle. I do not want the house with the white picket fence. I don’t need the materialistic things to share with another person. In my vision I imagine sitting on a blanket on the beach watching the tide roll in together and sharing stories about our dreams, what makes us crazy, what makes us laugh, what makes us cry. I picture endless moments together learning every moment and every aspect we can about each other. I see creating art together in different ways, whether it be by taking pictures of each other in the most random of times just to capture and hold onto that moment—to be able to revisit that feeling. When I think about love I feel it in every part of me. I am alone right now because of this vision I have. I want something that maybe is completely unobtainable. I don’t want to give up this vision though. One time I thought I felt what love was, at least parts of it. I felt love in a short time and I had doubts because everything in society told me that it is impossible to love someone right away. Is it? Love for everyone is so very different. I do not mean to devalue love by saying a lot of people settle…I am just going by what my internal feelings are…something I am unable to control.
I am in a calm place in my life right now but I still experience moments of madness in my mind. There is nothing about my thought process that will ever be simple. I don’t know why I am like this. On the outside most people wouldn’t know I am like this. My head sometimes is this never-ending series of questions and desires to walk different paths. I met this man once in the past that made me feel like my way of thinking was ok…it was better than ok. When you fall in love does everything all of a sudden fall into place and make sense or does everything become even more confusing?
With this blog entry there was absolutely no direction to be taken. I have meandered from one idea to the next and to the reader it may not make even a little bit of sense. I have those moments when I just need to spew anything out that I can because my feelings inside are so intense. I look at my life and I wonder where I have come from. I seem so different from my family members (I love them dearly). I cannot figure out where this natural curiosity and wonder about every little aspect of life came from. I must have learned something somewhere that got the ball (actually the boulder) rolling. On the outside I believe I appear to be pretty normal but on the inside sometimes I feel like I am so odd and so strange because I think about things that seem to really be of no concern to others. I chase after knowledge and information of things from the past to keep learning. When I spent time with the man from my past there was something inside of me that always wanted me to ask him why things were the way they were or why things happened as they did or why I felt or thought the way that I did. Something inside of me always felt when I was with him (even through a lot of our chaos) that he had the answers…he understood it all. Why did I feel that way? What is that? Is that was true and honest love feels like even if it is not reciprocated?
I cannot lie, I want this feeling back. I don’t need it back from this same person (I am not sure how I would even act if the opportunity arose). I just love that sense of security within yourself because of the presence of another. I love the feeling of hanging off of someone’s every word because they intrigue and they inspire you just by being themselves. I love to see someone experience weaknesses and have flaws because it makes them more real and it makes me love them even more. I can be by myself. I have made it this long and I have experienced a happiness that I know some people could only dream of but I want this feeling back. Things you experience alone may be wonderful but they are undoubtedly 100 times better when they are shared. In a way, love is about attraction but it is more (in my opinion) about understanding someone. Love is about having that uncontrollable urge to ask someone to tell you in great detail what the journey of their life has been like so you can build a story in your head. Love is doing the simplest of things but finding great joy in them because you are with this person that makes you feel alive…more than alive. I don’t want my path determined for me and when it has come to meeting people of the opposite sex and swimming in the dating pool, I feel like with so many everything would be mapped out. With so many there would be no curiosity, no intrigue, no wonder, no mystery. I have hoped it would be there but unfortunately it has not. Maybe I am living in my own fairytale and maybe I am the big stubborn ass that is unwilling to change but that has always been me. I cannot do things that feel so unnatural.
I asked the question of who I am and I have given you sneak peeks. Being asked who you are is such an abstract question. I will not answering by telling my occupation or by describing my physical nature. Those are superficial things about me….those things give me no definition. I can answer this question but I admit it would be way more interesting to find out how others around me would answer the question. It would give me a look inside of them…how they view me. I am obviously the only person that will ever truly “know” me. I know that there is nothing that is ever permanent about me. I am constantly changing from one concept to the next to try everything I can out. I am a wanderer and an artist. I am a seeker of beauty in all of its forms. I am an embracer of words. My physical self is not who I am. My thoughts are not who I am because those exit just as quickly as they enter. I am this soul that feels every variety of emotion imaginable. I believe I have even experienced emotions and feelings that remain nameless. I struggle with the written word sometimes because what I feel is not able to be put into words…at least not in a manner that makes a lot of sense. For example, when I meditate I do not try to push my thoughts out of my head because thoughts are natural. When I reach a state of relaxation and sit with my eyes closed I feel a warmth go through my body and a sense of tingling (usually in my hands and feet). Although my eyes are closed, I see waves of colors…it is as if they are being painted on the backs of my eyelids. I do not focus on any of these things, they are just there. When I finish meditating I open my eyes slowly and bring myself out of the relaxed state. I usually don’t realize how relaxed I was until I am out of it. See, what I am trying to describe about my feelings is coming off jumbled because it is undescribable. What I find intriguing is how calm I feel after I meditate. I feel so at ease and I feel like my creative juices just pour out of me. I reread what I write and I am impressed with my thoughts because I am now able to express them in a way I want to. I am able to be me in front of anyone and everyone that is willing to take the time to read. So who am I? I am this person that watches the world go by everyday. I build relationships with people that I hold so dearly. I am a person that will never be understood fully except for in the written word. Comfort lies in my words on paper never though vocal words.
I hope I have not run anyone off with my craziness in this entry. I have felt kind of unbalanced (for lack of a better word) all day. I know that writing is what brings me back to my center…even if the words and the thoughts are all over the place. This entry is filled with madness and disorganization but that is me. I do not want to hide anymore. I want to lay myself out there for everyone to see and hopefully more people will love me for that than not.